Hormone Replacement Therapy

So with the New Year, we have a new plan. We are going to Hormone Therapy for the next 4-6 months, I am going to lose the extra weight, get in shape and try another IVF cycle at the end of our hormone treatment cycle. This is something I can do to try and improve our chances and something I have control over so pretty much it will keep me sane, for awhile! :)

I met with the RE today and talked about what Hormone Replacement Therapy ("HRT") could do for my "issues". The RE said that HRT has shown to improve egg quality, help increase insulin sensitivity and balance my hormones to treat my PCOS symptoms, increase my sensitivity to the fertility drugs in future IVF cycles and help me feel better overall. I did appreciate this statement from the RE "You deserve to feel good after all the stuff you have been through". Amen to that!! With treating the PCOS and Hypothyroid symptoms I should be losing this lovely extra 15-20 pounds I am carrying around, have more energy, clearer mind, sleeping better, better sex drive, stronger nails, less dry skin and better muscle tone (I used to have amazing muscle definition before all these problems started).
I had my blood drawn to test my thyroid levels, total and free testosterone, FSH, progesterone, estradiol, and prolactin. My veins are a nurses nightmare because they are by feel only and like to disappear and it seems my left arm is really the only one nurses can find. I had to drink 32 oz of water, eat some crackers and be stuck four times to get enough blood to run the tests. PURE JOY :)
We will wait and see what all my levels are looking like so the RE will know the dosage to give me of hormones. The procedure sounds pretty simple, the RE will make a small incision above my hip and place a pellet of natural testosterone and estrogen mixture that will sit and be absorbed over the next 4-6 months. Every day 14-28 of my cycle I will need to take natural progesterone to make sure my lining is shedding properly. The effects are supposed to be noticeable from 1-4 days of putting in the pellet. If they are not then they may need to add another pellet due to my hormone levels being depleted for so long that they need an extra boost.

After 4 months the RE will test my Testosterone levels to see if they are down to a normal level and if they are we can do another IVF cycle then or we will need to wait till about month 6 when the hormones have completely left my system.

I am going to also start talking with acupuncturists in my area that specialize in infertility to see what they recommend for someone with my problems doing IVF and what they charge.

I am getting tired of the emotional roller coaster and am ready to do all that is available out there. I am not sure how much more I can handle of failures, it is just so depressing and long and stressful and tiring and emotional and, and, and...

35/35

That is... 35 weeks down - 35 days to go!

35 Days???? eeeeek!!!!

That's just amazing to me. It's FLOWN by! I was thinking today about what we have left to do?! This was my preliminary list... I'm sure I'm forgetting something!

1. Tour labor & delivery with Mr. GB - make sure he knows how to get to the hospital :)
2. Pre-natal massage (I still haven't fit this in to my appt rotation although it is MUCH needed!)
   
3. Pre-register at the hospital
   
4. Pack my hospital bag
5. Finalize birth plan with Dr. C
   
6. Arrange for our neighbor to come feed our dogs while we are at the hospital
7. Finalize maternity leave paperwork and plans
8. Finish washing Baby GB's newborn and 0-3 month wardrobe
9. Finalize plans for induction (if Baby GB doesn't decide to come on his own!)

Hmm... yup - I'm sure there's more! Feel free to leave me comments with anything and everything that helped you other mom's-to-be in planning for your delivery!

I'll leave you with what Baby GB is up to this week!

Baby's now the size of a honeydew!
From now on, baby's growth is mostly in the plumping up department -- though he won't get much longer, he'll put on a pound or more of baby fat before birth. (He's about 15 percent right now and will be about 30 percent by full-term.) His hearing is totally developed (tip: baby responds best to higher pitches), and if he really is a "he," his testes have probably completed their descent.

Mixed Emotions

As I posted awhile ago, I stopped charting. It was stressing me out, I was having difficulties due to my schedule, and since we are not TTC, it seemed a bit unnecessary at this point....although I definitely see the value in it! Other than keeping track of CM I haven't done anything to keep track of O'ing. DH and I have been semi-careful, not BD'ing when CM indicates that O is near, but I completely realize that method is not fool-proof, and we were ok with that. Basically, our half-assed attempt at TTA, while being ok with a surprise if it happened.

The other day, I entered my CM into my chart, and I suddenly realized that I was on CD 29. I have only ever had one 29 day cycle before. They are always 26-28 days. Instantly I had a moment of panic and hopefulness at the same time. It was really too soon to think that I could maybe be KU, but deep down, I have to admit there was a little part of me that hoped it wasn't just a random long cycle. I debated back and forth about whether to test, or to just wait another day, expecting that AF would show up. I allowed myself to entertain the possibility that maybe this was the "surprise" that I have halfway been expecting since we went off bcp in June. I allowed myself to panic just a little bit......although I would be excited, was I as ready as I thought I was?? What would DH think?

For those of you that have been following my posts, you know that DH and I are both ready and excited for children, but our job situation with my husband being recently laid off, has kind of put our TTC plans on hold. While half of me feels that we need to be practical, the other half of me feels like we should just go for it. That things can change a lot in 9 months, for the good or the bad. That part of me thinks that even if DH did have a fantastic job right now, that might be different in 9 months. And the fact that he doesn't have a job now probably won't be a concern 9 months from now. Life hands us so many unexpected circumstances, that we can't count on anything.....we can't plan our lives around "sure things." Then the practical side of me fights back. It is always this internal battle, trying to make sense of one of the biggest decisions we will make in our lifetime together. It is so hard.

Well all of the emotions that I was feeling on the infamous CD 29 were wasted. AF showed up on CD 30.

It's back to the drawing board.....or to the think-tank.....or the hamster wheel......or whatever you want to call this process. And honestly, I think that the process of making the decision to TTC is almost as craptastic at times, as TTC itself.

Are We There Yet? Are We There Yet?

Although it reminds me of a long family road trip circa 1989, the lingering question remains, "Are we there yet?"

Unfortunately this time the question refers to TTC. DH is ready. I am ready. Our careers are not, and there are a whole lot of four letter words that could describe how I feel about that. DH and I were SURE we would be TTC at this point. We were both SURE that DH would have a job by now. We were both SURE that it couldn't possibly take me so long to find a different job in my field. We were SURE we would have a 2010 baby. Now I am positive that we were both wrong about the first three statements, and likely wrong about the fourth. Frustration doesn't even begin to describe what I am feeling.

I have spent a lot of time thinking, "why me?". While I don't generally feel it productive to wallow in self-pity, I would be lying if I said I hadn't done at least a little of this since I realized that my timeline was basically shot. Every day I say a little prayer that maybe today will be the day our luck changes. If you are the praying kind, I wouldn't mind having some additional shout-outs going up. I know that things can turn around quickly. I know that maybe on Monday DH will get an interview, or I will make an awesome connection, or somehow everything will fall into place a little bit better than it is now. I know that things will not always be this challenging. But I think I need an extra dose of God's grace to keep me going right now.

Bad Blogger

I must admit I have been a bad blogger. My life has been chaotic with all sort of things to fill my days.
DH got laid off finally. It sucks, but honestly, I am glad that the waiting game is over so we can't keep getting our hopes up for more time. Now we can just move on.

I also hosted a Twilight:New Moon premiere event with some friends, and while you can criticize me all you want about the fact that I am almost 29 and head-over-heels for a fictional vampire, I seriously had a ton of fun. Aside from the movie itself, it was just great to get together with people. I don't get to do it much, so I had a blast.

My quarter-life crisis is definitely in full-swing. Suddenly I feel as though I am truly looking at my life for the first time.....or maybe just more closely than I ever have before. Thinking about what I truly want, and why. Thinking about why I have become such a cynic. Realizing that the reason I haven't followed many of my dreams is because I was afraid of what people would think. Scared to NOT follow them anymore. I am putting myself out there. I have made it my goal to do at least one thing every day that scares me. Simple or small, no matter. Yesterday the thing that scared me was to go to the gym and do 10 miles on the bike. I didn't think I could. And I did. So today I am going to do 12. Because now I know that I can.

I also made an appointment for a consult on the tattoo that I want. I have a tattoo that I got on my 18th birthday from a place that gave 50% off tattoos on your 18th birthday....so needless to say, I am now ready for a cover-up! I have spent a LONG time deciding what I want to do and I finally came up with a design that is super meaningful and beautiful, and I hope to get myself inked really soon!

Lastly, I booked a trip to NYC in March. A good friend lives out there, and I have been wanting to see her for years, but schedule and money and all sorts of other excuses prevented me from going. Not this year. I am going. I realize there is a possibility that I could be KU at that point in time, but I am going regardless. I don't want another opportunity to pass me by. I also was invited to the Sundance Film Festival in January, and that one might be a little bit more of a stretch for me, but I am going to weigh it out and see if it is feasible.

In any case, the point of this long drawn-out post is to say that 1) I am still here and 2) If you get one message from this post at all, let it be this. Never ever ever give up on your dreams! We never know how much time we have....all of our days are numbered. So how will you live them??? In the words of Thoreau: "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you have imagined."

Pep talk concluded. Have a wonderful day!

Big Test Tomorrow Morning.....

Tomorrow morning I will be using the First Response Fertility Test after a few sketchy cycles to determine once and for all if I am just crazy-bad at temping.....or if God-forbid, something might be up. Obviously the test is not comprehensive, but it will be a good starting point. I am excited, but also a little scared. Basically the test checks FSH level to determine the quantity and quality of eggs, thus an indicator of a woman's ability to get pregnant. I am hoping and praying that tomorrows test will have a positive result....I just want to know that when we start trying in a couple months, that we at least have a better idea of my ability to conceive. That way if there is a problem, we know where to start.

Maybe it is too early to worry.....maybe I am jumping the gun. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I want to be as proactive as possible now so that when the time comes to TTC, I am as informed and knowledgeable as possible about what is going on with my body. I will post results tomorrow.....keep your fingers crossed that all is well!

Putting It On Hold

Well, we decided to put TTC on hold for now. We are going in to talk to a financial advisor on November 24th, and will see what they think. We are not destitute, and we aren't over extended, but Mr. Snow Bud is not completely comfortable with our financial situation, mainly the hit to our savings, to TTC right now. We have decided to put it on hold for at least 6 months. As of February 2011, Mr. Snow Bud will be re-enlisting into the military, where we will get a nice sized bonus to pad our savings, so that is our "final resort" if our savings aren't where we want them to be by then. I have complete faith that we will build it back much sooner than that, but it's nice to know that at the very least, I won't have to wait any later than June 2010.

Anyway, I'm really trying not to think about it. I was at a get together with families for Mr. Snow Bud's work this last Friday, and two of the wives just had babies. It just about made my heart drop, I think I really had to work on fighting back tears. It's hard.

Mr. Snow Bud and I decided that I won't go back on birth control, as I want my period as regulated as possible, so will be charting until then. I figure if anything, you can now keep up with me TTA for now!

Thanks so much for all the support I've received, I truly appreciate it!

Until next time,

Preparing for TTC.

I think I am one of the few Buds that is not actively TTC or currently KU......therefore I am in a very different place than those that are charting to concieve and not to avoid, and those that are trying to concieve versus preparing to TTC. It is amazing to me the gigantic leap that it takes to move from one phase into the other. DH and I have known since we started dating that we wanted children. Actually getting to the point of taking the plunge and saying "let's do it" has been the challenge. There are so many days that I wish that I could be one of the ones that was actually TTC, not just talking about it.

At the same time, I have found so much benefit in talking about it, and in really thinking through the things that were important to us before TTC. I realize that this is TOTALLY different for everyone and what works for some people doesn't work for others, so I hope that this does not come off and some sort of exhaustive TTC checklist. These are just the things that WE talked about. I decided to share, in the hopes that maybe it could benefit someone else.

1) Age. I am 28. DH is 29. We are not old by any means. I don't feel like my biological clock is ticking. I still feel very youthful. BUT I have older parents. My dad will be 70 next year. While he is still in great shape and also very youthful, it makes me so sad to think that my kids may not get all of the quality years with their grandparents that I had with mine. DH's mom is disabled and likely only has 5 years left at most. I would be heartbroken if my children never had the opportunity to know her. So while I am not in a rush based on my own age so much, I really have had to consider not only our ages but the ages of the family members who we want so desperately for our children to know.
2) Education. I was working on my Masters degree when DH and I started talking about when to TTC. We agreed that I would need to be done with my degree first. While I totally believe that moms can work and go to school successfully, I know my propensity to give-up if given the opportunity, and I knew that if I didn't finish before hand I likely never would. DH is still working on his Masters but is about halfway done. We can live with that, because he won't be the one carrying the baby. :P I finished my degree in August, which was a big milestone towards TTC.
3) Debt. DH and I wanted to be completely credit card debt free before TTC. I paid off my credit card last year, and we are almost done paying of DH's card. We bought some new appliances for our house on credit and those will be paid off in January, so hopefully by the first of the year we will be cc debt free. The other debt like mortgage and student loans....those we can live with because they will be around until we are 40. :P
4) Jobs. Up until recently, DH's job situation was really good. However, he just learned that he will be laid off as early as the end of November, but no later than the end of January. Thus, our circumstances could drastically change in the coming months, since 3/4 of our income is from his salary. I have been job searching ever since completing my degree, but have not yet had any success. We agreed that his job would need to be secure and I would need to be in a career-job before TTC.
5) Insurance. Thankfully, I have both DH and I covered under my insurance through work. It isn't the most phenomenal insurance, but it gets the job done. This has been a huge blessing now with him getting his layoff notice because we will not be uninsured when this happens which is fantastic. We have both decided that if we were to get KU unexpectedly, our insurance would be satisfactory enough that we could handle the expense.
6) Savings. I was insistant that we had developed our savings before TTC. I am the saver in our relationship and DH is the spender. I think of the big picture more, and he lives in the moment. A year ago when the TTC conversation first came up, I decided to open a higher interest rate CD and contribute directly from each paycheck both to the CD and to our savings account. Our savings was minimal a year ago, and in that time it has grown almost 7 times it's original value which is super exciting to me. I feel like we have a nice cushion which I feel is important before TTC.
7) Health. I wanted to be in great shape before TTC. I knew that this would benefit both me and our baby. However, this has been the toughest one for me to be on board with, and I can tell you the reason why has been stress. I WISH I was one of those people that coped with stress by working out or running. I cope with stress by eating candy. I am honestly surprised I still have all of my original teeth, but I brush regularly. :P I am not overweight at all, but I wouldn't call myself healthy. I drink too much caffiene, I don't exercise as much as I should, and I eat sweets like they are going out of style. I am 28 and my triglycerides are high. That CAN'T be good. so as I said when I started posting, part of what I want to write about is my struggle/intention of getting healthy before TTC. I have accomplished a lot, but this one is a challenge for me in particular.

I hope that can help even one person as they think through their decision to TTC. There is so much to consider and I wouldn't even say that what I wrote is the half of it. We also had to talk about space in our house, whether we would need to move first, the fact that I would need a bigger car, the fact that we wanted our dog to be a little older, the fact that we wanted to get a vacation in first, the fact that I didn't want my husband to be interning when I had a new born......the list goes on. It is a huge decision, and each person reaches is on their own terms. These were ours.

Speaking of planning...

Sugar Buds recent post about planning made me laugh as I've been thinking about how while I'm only 10 1/2 weeks, I haven't really planned a thing! Thanks for the segway Sugar! :-)

Normally I feel just like Sugar Bud - I'm a planner and usually have things planned out WAY too far in advance! I too planned my wedding in a few short months when I had a year an a half. I plan vacations day by day, I always have directions even if it's just to someplace across town and we must always have reservations! I plan weekend BBQ's weeks in advance and get a irritated when our friends "will let us know" if they'll be able to make it. People, how am I supposed to PLAN how much food and booze to buy if you don't know if you'll make it until the day before - yes or no!

Ok maybe I'm not that bad but I like to have a direction, an idea, something...

Thus far:

• I have a 1/2 empty spare bedroom.


• It's painted a medium grey color that I originally thought would work but now I'm hating. I have yet to express the paint color concern to Mr. GB because I swore up and down I wouldn't repaint.


• I DO have the previously mentioned hand me down crib set up although I haven't made any effort to locate the missing part.


• Mr. GB and I have had approximately 10 conversations regarding names - none of which were successful.


• I'm breastfeeding - with no promise of how long this will last.

So in 10 1/2 weeks that's what I got... a whole lot of nothing! After my next doctor's appointment next Wednesday and we are safely out of the 1st trimester I'm going to kick things into gear. I know it's crazy but I think there's just still a small part of me that can't believe this is really happening. Will it ever seem real?

Anyway, here's what fruit thebump.com compares Baby GB to this week:

Baby's now the size of a prune!
With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will start working too.)

Some call me a planner.

Man, I love to plan and I love to plan way ahead! My entire wedding was planned in about a month and I had 9 months to plan it. I can tell you what I am doing on the weekend usually by Sunday of the weekend before. It is kind of an obsession, really.

So, since this TTA stuff is so dull, I thought I would share my already planned out stuff for our future baby.

Names:
First girl - Allysen Victoria (Mr. SB's fave girl name and my fave girl name)
First boy - Jerry Michael (our fathers' names)
Second girl - Margo Ellise (just because it's pretty and unique)
Second boy- Hudson Andrews (Mr. SB's mother's maiden name and my best friend's maiden name)

Nursery decor:
We are painting the room a green color (Valspar Bamboo Shade).
Girl - pink accents with elephants
Boy - brown accents with elephants
I LOVE elephants, so either way, our first will also love elephants like Mommy does J

Other things we want to do:
We are going to use cloth diapers.
We are going to have swim lessons immediately.
We are not going to breastfeed.
We are going to make the baby food ourselves.

What about you guys? Do you do this, too?