1 Week Post Failure

This past week hasn't been as bad as I thought. I of course cry here and there and get mad when people say dumb things trying to say something to make me feel better. In case any one was wondering there isn't anything that you can say or do, unless of course you can get me knocked up then there is!! Last night though I went to my friends book club and three other girls there all have infertility issues and two were currently pregnant and one had just had her baby. It was nice to hear their stories and experiences and talk about mine to people that get it. I had soo much fun and didn't even feel sad or jealous or frustrated, all but three of us were pregnant so I was a bit worried how I might feel. I guess I am not jealous of people that are married, have their lives together that they can have kids or their fertility treatments worked because I feel they deserve it. It is the teenagers or single girls that are young, have a one night stand and keep the baby because they think it will be "fun" or the parents that resent their kids or ignore them or hate being a parent that make me frustrated and question why did they get to have kids and we don't!!

Anyways enough ranting and raving, I really am doing much better than I thought I would be so I figure it will just keep getting better.

First O After M/C, Check!

I haven't been posting as much as I'd like to recently, because it's been hard for me to talk about the in-between. You know, the time in-between when I miscarried, when I felt my worst (physically and emotionally), and now, when I feel sort of better but still have some terrible moments that strike unexpectedly.

Mr. Magnolia Bud and I spent Thanksgiving weekend with my family, and had a nice weekend. Not stress-free or relaxing, by any means, but at least we were able to spend a little fun time with people who are important to us. My family lives near Chicago, so it was a chilly weekend!

Today is the first day of Hanukkah, and Mr. MB and I are using it as a new beginning. We're trying to stay positive, and are both tentatively excited about TTC again next cycle. I'm more ambivalent than he is, but as this cycle progresses, I find myself thinking ahead instead of only about what happened. We decided that even if we're going to not-not try, I'm still going to be taking Vitex and Maca Root, so that if I do get pregnant, the corpus luteum will be at its strongest and will have the progesterone it needs to survive until my body takes over. We're also excited about Maca's reputation for increased energy & libido...I haven't really had the best sex drive since the miscarriage. Poor Mr. MB!

Speaking of this cycle, it looks like I've O'd! At 3DPO I had solid crosshairs, and they've since changed to dotted...but I have a feeling it's from CM inconsistencies. I've been taking a lot of antihistamines this cycle since I had hives about two weeks ago. All of the open circles are from taking my temp too early, given all the travel we've been doing for a few weeks. I'm hoping this means my cycle will get back to "normal" in a couple of days with AF's arrival...

Beta hell

Last night I had a good-old-fashioned pity party. It's something I have to hide from Mr. GB, because he gets so upset when I'm upset. I've perfected opportunistic crying. Mr. GB goes upstairs to pay bills--I cry. We go to bed and Mr. GB reads with his headphones on--I cry. I even got in a bonus cry by waking up at 3am and crying myself to sleep just moments before my alarm went off. And this morning I cried as I drove to an all-day customer meeting. Good times.

I swear 2010 has been the year of pity parties. I've had more than I can count. No, actually, I can count them, by heart:

• Donor #1 fert report
• Donor #1 freeze report
• Donor #1 bad transfer
• NT Scan
• Termination
• Found out D&C #2 couldn't be scheduled for over a month after my hysteroscopy
• Donor #2 drama (break-up nearly derailed our cycle)
• Donor #2 lining issues
• Donor #2 low beta

I have cried more this year than I probably have in my previous 38 years combined. Fortunately I tend to cry preemptively, and thus I'm usually prepared for bad news. And sometimes I end up with good news and my crying was all for nothing. I'm really hoping today is one of those times.

So I'm on my second batch of pee sticks. Same brand but the packaging is different. The pee sticks aren't getting any lighter, but they aren't getting significantly darker. Mr. GB is still hopeful, and my cycle buddy (who had a miraculous late-implanter) is also hopeful. Symptom-wise it's hard to gauge what's going because of the massive progesterone and estrogen I'm taking. I never had morning sickness last time so I can't even count on that.

I truly am prepared for the number to go down. All things considered, I'll take a chemical over a miscarriage any day. It's one more thing to add by my Bitter Infertile Bucket List, which I'll be publishing here if things don't go my way. It's something that other infertiles can print out and track on their own. You know, things like "IVF BFN" and "Donor's worst cycle ever." And don't forget such classics as "Cycle delay due to cyst" and "Cried at the RE's office." Check check check check.

I'm going to be at a customer conference again tomorrow, so I'm going to ask my donor coordinator to just email my results because there's no way I want to get that phone call in front of other people. I'm grateful for the distraction.

More tomorrow.

Night all,
Golden Bud

Back in limbo

I have known my donor coordinator long enough that I can tell by her voice when something is wrong.

She called me today with my blood results and yes they are positive, but the number is "a little low." My hcg level is 34. She said they'd like to see it >50. Granted I did go in a day early, and by tomorrow it may very well be 50, but today it's 34 and now I have something new to obsess about. Great. I was trying very hard not to compare cycles and yeah my pee sticks took longer to darken up this time, but in my head I'd already calculated the doubling rates and knew that if I had a 5 or so at 9dpo (apparently these sticks are sensitive enough per reviews on Amazon), then yeah by now it'd still be on the low side and I'd secretly prepared myself for that. What I also didn't confess to you is that last week I ordered a refill on my pee sticks and they are coming today, and you can bet I will be peeing on them for another couple days.

Can this get any harder?

PS: Hugs to Magnolia Bud for her spotting scare. I hope your ultrasound goes well tomorrow.

Thanks everyone for your well wishes thus far. I hope I don't let you down.

Golden Bud

faint line limbo

I now have in my hands 4 hpts with lines so faint that I need my glasses to see the line. On the one hand, a line is a line. On the other hand, by this time in my last cycle (8d3dt or 11dpo) I had a faint but unmistakable positive. This time I need magnification and a bright light to see the line. Granted, I'm using a different brand of test than last time (similar cheapie internet strip), so perhaps these aren't as sensitive. I'm also worried that I may be seeing evap lines. But then again, I have another 5-6 hpts that don't have the line. I also used one to test Mr. GB's urine and his has no line.

Here you can see what I'm talking about. I had to tweak the contrast to make the line stand out. Sorry about the bizarre colors.

Here's another view with a series of tests. Mr. GB's test from this morning is on top. I have a few other clear negatives that I didn't include because their surfaces were kind of scratched and they were hard to read.

I have too much time on my hands!

So here I wait for the evening to test again, which is when I seem to get better results.

Ugh.

Praying for a line,
Golden Bud

Good news, bad news

Went to my RE's local office today for my suppression check and lucky me we're in limbo again.

Bad news: I have a cyst on my left ovary.
Good news: The nurse says that because my lining is thin and my period started, the cyst is likely non-functioning, meaning it's probably not producing hormones and therefore won't affect my cycle.
Bad news: If my estrogen level comes back at 50 or higher, I have to delay the cycle and keep coming in every 4-5 days until the cyst goes away. I'll know this afternoon what my level is.
Good news: Because I have a cyst, my insurance will cover the ultrasound today.

Now we wait.