Final Results

I went in on New Year'e eve morning to have my blood drawn and then ran some errands while I waited for the RE to call. Luckily I managed to be heading to my car when the call came in so I wouldn't be surrounded by people!! My levels dropped to a 2, so I am officially not pregnant. I had a feeling that was the results since I started bleeding the night before. It was brown but a lot more blood than spotting.

I feel kinda numb right now, I am sad but I am not as sad feeling as the past two times. I am not sure why that is but at least I am functioning better. I definitely had the right support group this time around. The first time I told family and a couple close friends, the second we ended up telling a ton of people and I hated getting to tell everyone it didn't work and being asked about it. So this time we only told the people that "got it" and would be the support system that both Mr. Explorer Bud and I needed. With all the ups and downs of this cycle my support group, including my buds, were what kept me sane and positive throughout. Thank you soo much!!!

Whats next? I briefly talked to the RE about doing Hormone Replacement Therapy before trying another cycle so I am going to call and make an appointment this week to really talk about it. I am also going to look into acupuncture to see how much it will really cost us to do as well. I am not sure what else we can change that will make IVF work, there isn't anything else left.

Thoughts for the New Year

To our Jewish readers and my fellow Buds, L'Shanah Tovah!

Today is the Jewish New Year, and I wanted to reflect on the past year and what my hopes for the New Year are.

Last year, Mr. Magnolia Bud and I were in a tough spot. I was working only part-time (at a firm where I was miserable), and he had just started his post-doctoral fellowship. I was also in school part-time for my master's, and had nothing but tough classes on my plate (I was studying for my LL.M. in tax. Every class was a bear!). We were renting a condo, and had just moved to North Carolina--away from many friends who had turned into family in the five years we lived near them. We decided our goal for the next year was to become stable, and work on both our marriage and ourselves so that we could have a clutter-free, chaos-free, financially- and emotionally- stable home.

Since we made that decision, we have made a lot of other smaller (but related) decisions that support our choices. We made a budget, beefed up our savings, bought a home in November, made friends in our community and our neighborhood, worked on our marriage (and our sex life), and we've individually been pursuing things that help us live a more peaceful/less chaotic life. For me, those things are finding a new job (which I did in January), finishing school, yoga, acupuncture (occasionally now that my acute issues have been fixed), running, and other hobbies.

Every day I'm thankful for the peace that I have found in my life.

This coming year, I hope that we will be able to continue working on our home, our faith/religious observance, and am looking forward starting our own family. I hope that Mr. Magnolia Bud will find a job that he loves (his fellowship is coming to a close over the next 6 months+, so he's started looking). I also hope that all of you, whether TTC or TTA, are blessed with the families you hope and pray for.

Wishing you a sweet new year,

Magnolia Bud

New Beginnings for a New Year

I know it has been a while! Our first IUI cycle ended in AF, which had already become obvious last time I posted with my temp landslide. A couple days later, we were off to North America for Mr. Blueberry Bud to attend a conference and to spend quality time with both of our families. The last few months have been pretty stressful for me between TTC difficulties and work/grad school-related woes, so the change of scenery has been refreshing and it is always great to see our families, since we live half-way across the globe.

On the TTC front, we are on a break from treatment this cycle as we take a break from our normal lives. My gosh, it is so liberating! No more ultrasounds, bloodwork, fretting, acupuncture appointments, waiting rooms, etc for one whole month. I've also ditched the thermometer (not waking up to temp every morning has helped to free my mind from the constant reminder of TTC and our lack of success). The past two cycles I was reticent to give up the BBT even though I was being monitored by ultrasound despite pleas from DH and the nurse at the fertility clinic, so this is a huge step for me in giving up a little bit of my obsessive need for control. I am just happily plodding along keeping track of CM and using OPKs.

Psychologically it is still difficult -- on one hand I have very limited expectations for this cycle since we aren't doing any treatment and those low expectations are actually liberating; on the other hand, I am secretly praying for a Rosh Hashana miracle this week. I am pretty sure I will actually O at a normal time this cycle and not so late like last cycle because I have lots of fertile CM that began yesterday at CD12.

One thing that has been really awesome about this break is that I have taken it as an opportunity to get back into my running groove. Since getting married I have really "let myself go" as they say:) Not in terms of weight, but in terms of sitting on my freaking butt and vegetating. I have tried to get back into running several times since TTC, but getting truly back in shape involves some pain, pain and stress on my body that I felt could interfere with our TTC efforts. I decided that since this was our "off" cycle I would use it as an opportunity to push myself and get back into shape, with the goal of maintaining it but not necessarily pushing myself too much further when we go back to IUIs. I am so glad that I did--not only do I feel better, but the running has truly lifted my spirit. I am still feeling down about work/grad school related stress, but I am generally feeling more optimistic about things in general.

As Rosh Hashana , the Jewish New Year, approaches, I wish a year of many sweet and new things for all of us -- may we be blessed with the things we have worked so hard for and long desired and also some happy surprises along the way! The image for this post is a pomegranate, called a reemon in Hebrew, because it symbolizes new beginnings for a the start of a new year, as well as health and yup, fertility:)