Job Interview!

Photo credit goes to http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/.

Hilarious stuff.

This is pretty much me this afternoon. I got a call asking if I could come in for a job interview on Monday!

The Background: In August I left my job in Virginia so that I could actually live with my husband again. We'd lived apart for 8+ months courtesy of the Navy. Part of that time Mr CB was underway and the rest we were living bi-coastally.

I've only had one interview, and that was by phone as I was on the East Coast still. It wasn't a good fit.

Needless to say being sent rejection letters from every place under the sun is pretty depressing. Especially when it continues for months.

The Scoop: The job is a PT gig at a local department store. Something I'm totally confident I can handle as I've done most of what was on the job description back in my high school and college days. Yeah, I'm over qualified. I have a BA degree and 10 years experience in my field. But you know what? My field isn't hiring right now. Even if it was, I work with hazardous waste and I literally can't go on those job sites if I'm pregnant.

This PT job is actually a potential really good fit for once the baby arrives as it would allow me to be home with the baby while my husband is at work and work a few evening/weekend shifts each week.

Financially, we can get by on my husbands income. It will be tight, but doable. My having an income will allow a little breathing room. It also will help occupy my days and help me feel a little more like I'm part of the world. This gap in my employment is my first time since I was about 16 years old that I've not had an income of some sort coming in. Its been an adjustment.


The Question: When would you tell them about the pregnancy?

I know they legally can't ask during the interview. If the subject comes up, I'll politely deflect. That said, when should I let them know? When an offer is on the table? Once we're out of 1st Tri? Once I'm showing?

I'm really uncomfortable telling people in real life about the pregnancy this early. My own mother doesn't even know yet and we're pretty close. I'm having a hard time with the thought of bringing it up to a complete stranger before I've even seen a heartbeat...but I don't know what the right thing is to do.

I'd love to hear what you would do in this situation, assuming they offer the job that is (please, please, please).

Why Must She Toy With Me?

I am terrible. I haven't posted in weeks. Life has been crazy which is no excuse.

First, to address the title of my post, I am really really mad at AF. She toys with my emotions and crushes my spirit, and I am fed up with her. DH and I have moved into the "not not trying" phase. He is in the final phases of hiring for a job, and while it hasn't been formalized yet, we are quite confident that it will be. I am actively applying, and am feeling optimistic about a couple of different opportunities. That said, we decided that while we are definitely not actively trying, we would be ok if it happened.

I know this might seem crazy to some people, and maybe it is, but we were talking the other week about how despite how worried we were when our employment situations changed, we have really really been ok. Financially we haven't had to make many sacrifices. We have no consumer debt. We haven't been late on any bills. We have savings. We have made things work. Has it been perfect? No. It has not been ideal. But we have worked hard, and we have made things work. Comparatively speaking (and I know comparing is a terrible idea), but I know several couples with children who were in a worse financial situation when they made the decision to start their family, and they are making it work just fine. I know we could do the same.

Anyways, sorry about the tangent, but the point is, that AF was 2 days late. No symptoms. And this little voice in my head was telling me that despite the fact that it was extremely unlikely, maybe, just maybe, I could be pg. I didn't let myself think it for more than a split second, because I didn't want to be disappointed. But the little voice in my head persisted. It was somewhat terrifying to think that this could be it, but tormenting to think that it most likely wasn't. And then late last night, AF showed up. I felt partial relief, but mostly just sadness. And I think the sadness strengthened the notion that this is what I am ready for. It's not just talk. It is every fiber of my being that wants a child, that wants to start our family. And I hope with everything in me that we won't have to wait much longer.

WOW - OUCH - REALLY?

Before I dive in to the emotional rollercoaster that has been this weekend, I want to start with the good news, and that is the fact that Mr.FB's birthday party went extremely well! Close to 40 people came to celebrate with us, and it was a really good time. Mr.FB was so happy, and I was so glad to see him enjoying time with his friends and not having to worry about the job situation for one evening. It ended up being the perfect way to ring in the big 3-0.

On the other hand, aside from the party, my weekend was chaotic. I started getting sick at the end of last week, and spent the last 5 days doped up on cold medicine, with pockets full of Kleenex and cough drops. :( Being sick isn't fun no matter what, but ESPECIALLY when you work 75 hours per week, like me. Luckily I have a casual office and we are pretty much self-governed, so I was able to sneak in a short nap in lieu of a lunch break which helped a bit. I am sure that the stress isn't helping health-wise. I am always exhausted, and my stress level is high. I keep telling myself that I only need to maintain this pace for another 5 weeks, and then there will be some reprieve........although hopefully not too much reprieve, because I need to find another job after this!

Anyways, the Wow, the Ouch, and the Really, are all of course related to TTC....or lack thereof. It has been such a mix of emotions going through this waiting period. Mr.FB and I have always known that we wanted children. We have talked about it a lot. I knew that I was ready before Mr. FB, but I never wanted him to feel pressured, so I let him come to terms with when to start TTC on his own. And now, we are both SO ready, and can't do anything about it. :( I love my husband so much, and while I am so glad that he is emotionally ready for this, it makes my heart ache each time he tells me that he can't wait to see me with a pregnant belly, or that he is so excited to be a dad, or that he can't wait to see me as a mother. I want all of those things too....SO badly, but we can't have them because even after over 400 applications, my husband still does not have a job, and we are just not at a place where this is a good idea practically speaking.

This week my sister got to hear her baby's heartbeat, and she hit the 15 week mark. My friend made it to 10 weeks and got to break out the bella band. My other friend also just announced on Facebook that she is pregnant.

Today I went to lunch with one of my best friends. She was my maid of honor in my wedding. I was in her wedding. We have been friends for 10 years and have been through so much together. In fact, we even decided that we wanted to try to have our kids close together because we wanted to share that experience. And while I realize that it is silly to try to plan those things, it was fun to think about and hope for the shared experience. She asked me today whether we were going to start TTC as planned (this was going to be our month), and I told her that, no, we still had to wait, that there wasn't a job and that we were hoping for the best. Then she got choked up a bit and couldn't even look me in the eye as she told me that she is pregnant. I am SO SO happy for her, and I am so sad that she felt sad telling me her news. I love her dearly, and while it is bittersweet, I am thrilled for her.

I am hoping that someday soon I can share news of my very own. And I told my friend that it wasn't too late to still go through part of this pregnancy together.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

You're going where to do what???

Planning this trip to Costa Rica and Panama has been a very interesting process. We decided early in April that this was the best option for Mr. CB and I, but there was so much uncertainty about Mr. CB and his work schedule that it wasn’t possible to book everything right away. It was a weird place to be ~ we knew I was going the whole time, but didn’t know if Mr. CB would be there the whole time, or if he would be there half the time and my mom would be there the other half, or if all three of us would be there together some of the time. For someone who likes to go full steam ahead once a decision is made, it was very difficult! We finally made the decision the first week of June that Mr. CB will there the entire time with me. This makes me extremely happy, of course. In a future post I’ll detail our travel plans and the fun exciting places we will be visiting, but I think most are wondering about how this whole IVF in another country works…so I’ll start there.

The doctor I will be seeing is Dr. Ariel Perez Young. His practice is established in San Jose, Costa Rica, and from what I’ve heard, it is THE clinic to go to if you’re struggling with infertility. I haven’t spoken to Dr. Perez at all. Any contact I have is through Mark Semple, the president of Passport Medical. He’s basically my middle man (which is good since I don’t speak any Spanish!) and he has set up all of my appointments and answered any questions I have about the process. If I have a question for the doctor (I was wondering a few weeks ago what his minimum lining thickness was for transfer), then Mark will email Dr. Perez and then get back to me.

I started birth control pills when I started my May cycle. Luckily I started my period towards the end of the month, so I will be on the pill for a total of five weeks. This will suppress my ovaries and allows my cycle to line up with the time frame needed for travel. I stop the pill on June 26, and fly to Costa Rica on July 1. I will have my first monitoring appointment that afternoon, and start my stimming medicine that day as well. I go back for monitoring on July 7 and July 10. Hopefully I have tons of great looking follicles and at this point my egg retrieval will be scheduled.

On July 12, we fly to Panama with Dr. Perez. The reason you have to go to another country is because IVF is illegal in Costa Rica. I did a little research, and basically back in the early 2000’s IVF was banned in Costa Rica because of religious reasons. There are still some artificial reproductive technologies that are acceptable, but IVF is not one of them. So to get around this law, Dr. Perez takes his patients to nearby Panama to perform the actual retrieval and transfer. We’ll be in Panama from July 12-19, and during this week we will have the retrieval and transfer. We fly home on July 19, and then wait a few days before POAS! Any after care I need will be through my OBGYN.

So this in a nutshell is IVF in Costa Rica and Panama. It’s a lot of planning and traveling and uncertainty, but the same can be said for an IVF cycle in the US. What is really different is the price. We had a quote from our local RE of about $14,500 for IVF and medications. We will be approximately $4500 for the same procedure and the same medications in Costa Rica/Panama. The IVF is $2800, three monitoring appointments are $85 each and medication is roughly $1500. Even when we add in our travel costs, we will be well under what it would have cost us here. And we’re going on a vacation for 19 days! You can't beat that!

We're approved, part II & staying positive!

This week, I have been working out all of the many financial details that go along with OOP IVF. We received final approval & signed off on our $20K loan for the shared risk program. Mr. Worry Bud & I are going to pay the other $2K OOP tomorrow when I go in for my mock embryo transfer (MET) & injects training class. Now, the only other thing money-wise is completing the FSA forms for reimbursement. Usually with FSAs, they require that all services you are being reimbursed for have been rendered, but in this case I'm not sure how they are going to handle it since technically "services" could mean anywhere from 1 cycle (hopefully!) to 6...more if you count the FETs that are included in the program. The financial coordinator from my fertility center says that she has had to deal with several patients who did shared risk & used their FSA for partial reimbursement & she doubts there will be a problem. I had a few conversations with an FSA representatives before signing up & they assured me that my IVF would be covered, so I hope we don't run into any road blocks with them. Mr WB & I agreed that I, Worry Bud - an avid questioner of circumstances - will never be completely satisfied with any answer any one gives me & to just take a leap of faith that everything will work out how it should, and so that's what we did. I will be talking to our RE's financial counselor tomorrow a little more about how to get the documentation for FSA reimbursement.

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Tonight I am attending a free (woot!) IVF support group the counseling group that works with my fertility center is holding. I am hoping to meet other women in a similar situation & gain even more hope & confidence that this will be it for us!! Tomorrow is my MET & injects training, and we got all of my meds on Tuesday (I'll post a pic of all the meds next time). I start Lupron injections & baby aspirin next Tuesday, so in just a few short days. So far, I'm feeling good & very positive about this cycle. As I mentioned before, I am doing a lot of preparation emotionally to get through this cycle - I know it'll be tough & I definitely have my moments of being worried if it will work or not, scared & nervous about everything I will have to endure, but I am trying not to focus on those feelings right now. I am acknowledging & accepting the fact that they are there...my IF counselor I went to see last week says that those are normal feelings & that I need to just accept that there is a certain degree of uncertainty, but in the end there's nothing you can do to change that, but how much energy you put into those feelings are what matter. So I am making a conscious choice to focus my energy on being positive & reflecting on the VERY exciting possible outcome!!! Again, thank you SO much to everyone who is keeping us in their T&P during this time...it means so much to us! :o)

We're Approved!!!

Yesssssssss. One less thing to worry about: we got a letter in the mail on Friday that we have been approved for our Fertility Center's Shared Risk program!! I was told that acceptance into the program was contingent upon completion of all fertility workup screening results + your mock embryo transfer (MET). All the testing is done, but we don't do our MET until this Friday January 22nd. I guess my RE, after looking over all of our test results, spoke to the committee & they felt confident enough to approve us for the program! I am sooo happy that we know we are approved, but now we have to pay up! We owe the full $22K for the program by January 23, 2010. We plan on putting down $2K, financing the other $20K & then using both of our FSAs to immediately pay the finance company $10K back. Then we hope to pay off the remaining $10K within a year. I left a message with my RE office's financial counselor to call me tomorrow to help me apply for the loan. Mr. WB & I have always been very responsible with money & thankfully, we both have excellent credit, so I don't anticipate there being any issues getting the loan. But, of course, I'm a worrier, so I always worry until something pans out, lol.

I also got the call about shipment our my meds from the mail order pharmacy - I overestimated how much the meds would cost us OOP...they will only be about $260 including shipping! We should be receiving our meds on Tuesday. I know that we are truly very fortunate to have this Rx coverage & God willing, if this cycle gives us a little baby Worry Bud, then I plan to donate any unused meds to an internet message board that I frequent's Rx donation program.

On January 22nd, I have my MET & injection training class, so hopefully that'll help me with my fear about giving myself injections. Then, on January 26th, I start my first Lupron injection, along with baby aspirin. That's only a little over a week away & I am surprised how quickly this cycle is coming up on me! I told my mom & sister the tentative dates for our IVF cycle & my sister is SO excited! She's trying for #2 & is hoping that we are pregnant together. She is so confident that it WILL work & she's hoping for twins for the WBs! We went to Target & browsed the baby aisle; she was just so positive & enthusiastic for me, it feels good to have her in my corner.

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Her confidence that this cycle will work for us really lifted my spirits & I have been really positive about everything all weekend. I hope to keep this optimism going into our upcoming IVF cycle. I don't think she'll ever know how much her support means to me. And with any luck (& some divine intervention), we will both be expecting new nieces or nephews soon!

On BCPs for IVF now!

Literally hours after my last post AF arrived & the beginning of my IVF journey began! As soon as AF arrived, I called my IVF nurse. She wasn't in that day, so I called the backup nurse & left a message. The other nurse called me back in about an hour & told me everything I need to know to get this cycle started. She instructed me to start BCPs on Friday, January 8th and continue them thru Thursday, January 28th. I also scheduled my mock embryo transfer & injection training course for next Friday, January 22nd. If all goes well at the mock transfer, then I will be accepted into my center's Shared Risk program. That same day, I will plan on applying for the loan to cover the costs of my cycle(s) (after Mr. Worry Bud & I put down about $2K, it'll be just about $20K). Once we get the receipt from our Dr.'s office, we will submit it to our FSA to get reimbursed for the $10K.

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The nurse also sent me my IVF calendar: I start Lupron injections & baby aspirin on January 26th; my estimated Egg Retrieval (ER) is February 13th (the day before Valentines!) & my estimated Egg Transfer (ET) is February 16th (the day after my Mom's birthday & days before Mr. WB's!). I am hoping to have lots of good looking embryos on day 3 & hopefully make it to a 5-day blastocyst transfer. At our IVF consult, we discussed the risks with our RE & he agreed with our desire to transfer two embryos vs. the one he originally recommended! So, hopefully our busy month of February will end in happy birthday news for both my mom & Mr. WB!!

I also got a call from my insurance company regarding the medication prescribed for this cycle, which consists of:

• Lupron
• Menopur
• Gonal-F
• Novarel (HCG trigger)
• Azithromycin
  
• Endometrin

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I had to wait until Monday to get the cost of the meds from my insurance company, but I had the option of going thru another mail order pharmacy that my insurance covers & they were almost $300 cheaper! So, the estimated costs of the meds are going to cost a little under $350 including needles & shipping! I know that is it WAAAY more expensive for many other women undergoing IVF treatment, so I feel very blessed to at least have prescription coverage for the IVF drugs.

Oh & last, but not least, I am seeing an IF counselor for a one-on-one session this Friday, January 15th. I'm not sure exactly everything we will discuss, or even that sure of my expectations for the session, but I am very interested in any coping strategies she can suggest for the roller coaster of emotions that I know my upcoming IVF cycle will bring. My clinic also has a FREE IVF support group meeting next Thursday & I am considering attending that. I just want to make sure that I am emotionally as ready as possible since I believe that the mind-body connection is a very important & often overlooked component of IF treatment. That's all I got for now...thanks for all the thoughts & prayers - please keep 'em coming!

Mixed Emotions

As I posted awhile ago, I stopped charting. It was stressing me out, I was having difficulties due to my schedule, and since we are not TTC, it seemed a bit unnecessary at this point....although I definitely see the value in it! Other than keeping track of CM I haven't done anything to keep track of O'ing. DH and I have been semi-careful, not BD'ing when CM indicates that O is near, but I completely realize that method is not fool-proof, and we were ok with that. Basically, our half-assed attempt at TTA, while being ok with a surprise if it happened.

The other day, I entered my CM into my chart, and I suddenly realized that I was on CD 29. I have only ever had one 29 day cycle before. They are always 26-28 days. Instantly I had a moment of panic and hopefulness at the same time. It was really too soon to think that I could maybe be KU, but deep down, I have to admit there was a little part of me that hoped it wasn't just a random long cycle. I debated back and forth about whether to test, or to just wait another day, expecting that AF would show up. I allowed myself to entertain the possibility that maybe this was the "surprise" that I have halfway been expecting since we went off bcp in June. I allowed myself to panic just a little bit......although I would be excited, was I as ready as I thought I was?? What would DH think?

For those of you that have been following my posts, you know that DH and I are both ready and excited for children, but our job situation with my husband being recently laid off, has kind of put our TTC plans on hold. While half of me feels that we need to be practical, the other half of me feels like we should just go for it. That things can change a lot in 9 months, for the good or the bad. That part of me thinks that even if DH did have a fantastic job right now, that might be different in 9 months. And the fact that he doesn't have a job now probably won't be a concern 9 months from now. Life hands us so many unexpected circumstances, that we can't count on anything.....we can't plan our lives around "sure things." Then the practical side of me fights back. It is always this internal battle, trying to make sense of one of the biggest decisions we will make in our lifetime together. It is so hard.

Well all of the emotions that I was feeling on the infamous CD 29 were wasted. AF showed up on CD 30.

It's back to the drawing board.....or to the think-tank.....or the hamster wheel......or whatever you want to call this process. And honestly, I think that the process of making the decision to TTC is almost as craptastic at times, as TTC itself.

Today I did something I never thought I'd do again...

I called my pharmacy and re-filled my Rx for my old BCPs (AKA the "devil").

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I don't know why, but that felt like a HUGE step for me. A few months ago, I declared that I would never take them again & now here I am, about to begin taking them to make a baby (or two)! Seems counter-productive right?!

I am pretty certain that I will be O'ing today or tomorrow. I have had 2 + OPKs today, lots of O pain & some EWCM. I actually hope I don't O until tomorrow b/c we BD'ed yesterday & I wanted to give Mr. WB's little swimmers time to recuperate before BD'ing again. I will know for sure by tomorrow's temp. The past few cycles I have been getting + OPKs the day before I O though, so hopefully it'll be like that this time as well. I know it's pretty crazy of me, but I just keep hoping & praying that we will just get our miracle BFP before we move on to IVF. I know that my RE said our chances are less than 5% of that happening, but that is not 0% right? Oh & 1 last note about this cycle - I decided NOT to do the Prometrium suppositories & just let this cycle finish up naturally. I figure if I'm meant to have a longer LP, then I will & if not, then on to IVF & hopefully our miracle & sticky BFP!!

So, I know a few posts ago I discussed our financing plan. We are still sticking with that, but my RE also offers Shared Risk IVF. Our RE was one of the first fertility centers to offer any program like this & I have done my research & they have one of the best Shared Risk programs available both in & outside of our state. Basically, you get up to 6 fresh IVF cycles & unlimited frozen embryo transfers (FETs) - however many it takes for the delivery of a live baby. So if you get pregnant on your first cycle, but miscarry - even a late loss, then you can go through the process again. If you do not deliver a live baby by the end of all of those fresh/frozen cycles, then you get 100% of your money back. You must be accepted into the program, but my RE says that he is 99% positive that I will be accepted into the program. The only thing I have to do is the mock embryo transfer & if all goes well then we will be in! I am very optimistic that there will be no issues for us getting in to the program based on my health & absence of any female fertility issues. I know you are all wondering what the cost of something like this is - well, at my fertility center, for IVF w/ ICSI it's $22K. It sounds like a lot, but it is just a little bit more than 2 IVF cycles. If we get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby(ies) on the first try, then that is awesome...we won't feel like we lost out on the additional money because we will have our darling little baby(ies) in our arms. Doing it this way will give us financial peace of mind as we go through the process of IVF, which will certainly relieve some of the stress that some other IVF'ers feel. I feel so blessed that we go to an RE that even has option like this available & am confident that we will have a LO of our own one day soon! Please continue to send all the prayers & wishes that all goes well our way...they mean more to me than you will ever know. :o)

Are We There Yet? Are We There Yet?

Although it reminds me of a long family road trip circa 1989, the lingering question remains, "Are we there yet?"

Unfortunately this time the question refers to TTC. DH is ready. I am ready. Our careers are not, and there are a whole lot of four letter words that could describe how I feel about that. DH and I were SURE we would be TTC at this point. We were both SURE that DH would have a job by now. We were both SURE that it couldn't possibly take me so long to find a different job in my field. We were SURE we would have a 2010 baby. Now I am positive that we were both wrong about the first three statements, and likely wrong about the fourth. Frustration doesn't even begin to describe what I am feeling.

I have spent a lot of time thinking, "why me?". While I don't generally feel it productive to wallow in self-pity, I would be lying if I said I hadn't done at least a little of this since I realized that my timeline was basically shot. Every day I say a little prayer that maybe today will be the day our luck changes. If you are the praying kind, I wouldn't mind having some additional shout-outs going up. I know that things can turn around quickly. I know that maybe on Monday DH will get an interview, or I will make an awesome connection, or somehow everything will fall into place a little bit better than it is now. I know that things will not always be this challenging. But I think I need an extra dose of God's grace to keep me going right now.

FINALLY...some good news!!

When I last left off, I was in talks with a potential insurance carrier that my job offers to see if they would cover our IVF prior to the 2-year of infertility stipulation. I was in good spirits because it looked as though we may be able to get coverage.

But, Wednesday was a bad day for the Worry Bud Family - the day just kept getting worse & worse. First, the answer from the insurance about waiving the 2-year IF stipulation prior to them covering 50% of IVF was NO. :o( Unfortunately, they cannot waive that & the guy who had been helping me said he did some research for me on the other potential carriers available to us in our area & none of them would be able to cover the IVF at this point either.

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As a result, we have decided to stick with our current insurance carrier - we are on separate insurance, but have the exact same insurance since we both selected the same carrier & work for the same employer (our insurance does not offer the "self + 1" option, only "self + family", so it's cheaper to stay on separate insurance until we have children). Our current insurance covers 85% of IF diagnosis & treatment, but 0% of assisted reproductive technologies (ART), so since we are still in the diagnosis/treatment phase, we are sticking with them. Although, if (God forbid) we are not pregnant by the end of next year, then we will most likely consider switching to the previously discussed provider, since we will be closer to the 2 year IF waiting period by that time. And with our employer, there are no pre-existing condition exclusions allowed for any of the insurance carriers.

Second thing that happened on Wednesday - we found out that Mr. WB's best friend & his wife are expecting. I am pretty good friends with his wife & they were not trying to get pregnant (although I have a suspicion, based on the discussion we had, that she may have been trying to get pg w/o him knowing - she's always trying to school me on the best time to have sex in order to achieve pg...little does she know, I know all that & then SOME about the subject!), but she was late & I told her to test, so she POAS & of course - BFP. Ugh. I hate feeling like this - they are both very excited/happy, so I'm happy for them, but it just sucks that we are dealing with this. I wish we could just be a "normal" couple, who could have sex & get pregnant. It's just that this whole ordeal has lessened the excitement of the "trying" part of TTC. Now it's more like GATC - getting assistance to conceive. I try to put on a happy face when others announce their pregnancy & I know it's not a race to get pg, but I just feel like we are beginning to get left behind because all of our friends are starting their families pretty easily (some even working on #2) & we are struggling to even get pregnant with our 1st. Sigh.

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And last but not least, my lovely AF decided to make an appearance on Wednesday evening. It started out light late on Wednesday, but my RE doesn't consider it CD 1 unless the flow starts before 5:30pm that day, so I marked it as spotting on Wednesday & AF/CD1 for Thursday. She brought along with her, a lovely set of cramps - thanks for that. So that means my LP is down again from 9 days to 8 days, but still better than previous cycles' 2-3 days.

But, finally, a bit of a silver lining in what has been a pretty horrible week for me - Flexible Spending Accounts (FSAs)! Hallelujah & praise God for them. Our employer offers an FSA that you can max out at $5K each year. The money is taken each pay period - PRE TAX, so it potentially puts you in a lower tax bracket & saves you money in the long run. The FSA is pre-funded for both of us, so it starts out with however much you elect to withhold. I had a lot of questions for the FSA program & got all of them answered, so here's our new plan to pay for IVF:

1. Both sign up for & max out both FSAs (spousal care is included, so I can use mine on him & he can use his on me if our individual FSA gets exhausted).
   
2. We will save as much as we can - approximately $1-$2K per month & finish up our testing/treatment prior to IVF. I am suspecting that Mr. WB will be seeing a urologist & perhaps getting some treatment to help improve his counts. And I will ask about getting on progesterone supplements for my LPD, so that we can continue to try on our own while we are doing the rest of the diagnostic testing & follow up with other specialists.
3. When/if we are recommended to go on to IVF, then we will put down as much as cash as possible, then finance the remaining portion thru Fertility Finance, which our RE is a participating provider with.
4. They will pay the balance on our account on our behalf prior to beginning actual IVF treatment.
5. Then we will get the statement showing the account is paid up from our RE & submit the claim form to our FSA.
6. The FSA will reimburse us $10K immediately & we will use that money to give to the finance company & then reimburse ourselves if any money is left over.

Oh & our current insurance company does cover some of the medications we will need for IVF - whew. So, I am hoping this all works out & we get a little one in my belly in 2010! We are currently still waiting on Mr. WB's medical records fromt he Dr. who performed his testicular torsion surgery & the results of the repeat S/A. Please continue to send all the T&P you have our way that this works out for us!!!

PS - I want to send special T&Ps out to Dandelion Bud - I am praying that your follies continue to grow as they should & you get your long awaited sticky little DB (or 2)!! And to Sugar Bud - I am so sorry for everything you are going thru & wish the best for you & Mr. SB...please let me know if there is anything you need.

My apologies...

For being away for so long!

I truly hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving. For the first time in my life, my Thanksgiving was celebrated at Mr. Snow Bud's family friend's home, instead of my own families. I will admit, there were a few points during dinner that I wanted to burst into tears, I was so homesick. All in all, it was a good time though. I was able to see snow, which made my heart happy!

We drove to Ohio (14 hours) to see Mr. Snow Bud's mom, he hadn't seen her in 4 years! It was so nice to FINALLY meet her. They have a somewhat distant relationship, but she was such a sweet lady.

We are still TTA. We talked to a financial advisor last week, who said that in his mind, we are doing great. He thought we had smart investments, a good amount in savings, his only advice/critique of our finances was that it seemed that we spent a lot of money on "stupid" stuff. His suggestion? Allot a certain amount of spending money each week, take that exact amount from the checking account in the form of cash, and only spend cash. He said that lots of people get in over their heads because it is very easy to swipe a debit card. So, we are going ahead with that plan. It's amazing how fast your money goes when you are holding it! There are still a few little things he suggested before trying for a baby, and we are going to dutifully follow his advice.

I hope everyone is staying warm during the holidays!

Until next time,

Bad Blogger

I must admit I have been a bad blogger. My life has been chaotic with all sort of things to fill my days.
DH got laid off finally. It sucks, but honestly, I am glad that the waiting game is over so we can't keep getting our hopes up for more time. Now we can just move on.

I also hosted a Twilight:New Moon premiere event with some friends, and while you can criticize me all you want about the fact that I am almost 29 and head-over-heels for a fictional vampire, I seriously had a ton of fun. Aside from the movie itself, it was just great to get together with people. I don't get to do it much, so I had a blast.

My quarter-life crisis is definitely in full-swing. Suddenly I feel as though I am truly looking at my life for the first time.....or maybe just more closely than I ever have before. Thinking about what I truly want, and why. Thinking about why I have become such a cynic. Realizing that the reason I haven't followed many of my dreams is because I was afraid of what people would think. Scared to NOT follow them anymore. I am putting myself out there. I have made it my goal to do at least one thing every day that scares me. Simple or small, no matter. Yesterday the thing that scared me was to go to the gym and do 10 miles on the bike. I didn't think I could. And I did. So today I am going to do 12. Because now I know that I can.

I also made an appointment for a consult on the tattoo that I want. I have a tattoo that I got on my 18th birthday from a place that gave 50% off tattoos on your 18th birthday....so needless to say, I am now ready for a cover-up! I have spent a LONG time deciding what I want to do and I finally came up with a design that is super meaningful and beautiful, and I hope to get myself inked really soon!

Lastly, I booked a trip to NYC in March. A good friend lives out there, and I have been wanting to see her for years, but schedule and money and all sorts of other excuses prevented me from going. Not this year. I am going. I realize there is a possibility that I could be KU at that point in time, but I am going regardless. I don't want another opportunity to pass me by. I also was invited to the Sundance Film Festival in January, and that one might be a little bit more of a stretch for me, but I am going to weigh it out and see if it is feasible.

In any case, the point of this long drawn-out post is to say that 1) I am still here and 2) If you get one message from this post at all, let it be this. Never ever ever give up on your dreams! We never know how much time we have....all of our days are numbered. So how will you live them??? In the words of Thoreau: "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you have imagined."

Pep talk concluded. Have a wonderful day!

Time to put on my big girl panties...

WARNING - this may be a LONG post, with lots of jumbled up thoughts, but I am just putting it all out there.

I know it's been a while since my last post, but not too much has been going on with the Worry Buds - just getting ready to host our first married Thanksgiving at our house this year. That alone has been keeping me VERY busy to say the least & then add in the renovation of our master bath and I'm sure you can understand why I have been MIA. I have been feeling optimistic lately - my cycles seem to be normalizing (even think I may have O'd yesterday - on CD 13!!) & all of my tests were coming back perfectly normal. I was just truckin' along, that is...until yesterday - November 24, 2009. Yesterday my whole world was turned upside down with one phone call.

I was sitting at my desk at work checking the voicemail I had missed while away from my desk & I saw my RE clinic name pop up on the caller ID as an incoming phone call on the other line, so I switched over. It was Dr. G. He never calls to deliver results, usually it's my nurse, Jane. But, then again, I have only been working with them for just about a month, so maybe this was normal?? This is how the conversation went:

Dr. G: "How are you today?"
WB: "I'm great & you?"
Dr. G: "Good...so, I'm calling b/c we got back you husband's S/A results."
WB: "Mmmmhmm"
Dr. G: " And we identified some problems."
::heart drops::

Without going into the specific counts & percentages, etc. - I may later, but I'm just not ready to do so at this time - we have a problem...major problem. I didn't even know how to think/act/feel at that moment. It has seriously been my biggest fear ever since learning about Dandelion Bud's story. In all honesty, I did not want to be honest with myself. I knew it was possible that there could be a problem - I knew years ago when my serious boyfriend at the time (now Mr. Worry Bud) told me he had undergone emergency surgery on his testicles when he was a senior in high school. At the time, he told me it could be difficult for him to have children, that it was possible, and I heard him, but I just didn't think it would be a problem if we ever got to the that point. I wasn't even thinking about kids then. I was an undergrad in college for goodness sake. Who thinks about kids at that time in life?

Fast forward about 4 years later to after we are married & when we start TTC & I notice that I'm having short LP issues. I suggest going in to see an RE, who, as a matter of routine, tests my husband's sperm in addition to looking in to my problem. And come to find out, I am perfectly fine (at least seems that way from the tests so far), but there is a issue with my husband's sperm. Let me back up a bit here - when you are preparing for your first RE visit, they send you a big packet with a lot of paper work to fill out. During the course of us filling out said paper work, I finally discovered exactly what Mr. WB had gone through. I had never really asked too many questions about the surgery before. Frankly, I did not ever really think it would be a huge concern for us & Mr. WB was a little sensitive about the topic, so I just pushed - no forced - it to the back of my mind. He had undergone surgery for testicular torsion.
Here is an illustration of his condition at the time; the picture below shows one normal testicle (left) & one of a torsed testicle (right):

Photo Credit

The condition requires emergency surgery in order to prevent a loss of the effected testicle. It is extremely painful. In Mr. WB's case the effected testicle was "saved", but I am assuming got damaged somehow. What I don't get is why it has caused problems now - if only one testicle was effected, and he has two, and you only need one normal testicle to make a baby, then why isn't the other one functioning as it should? All questions we will be discussing with my RE & most likely, a urologist at some point.

So where do we go from here? The RE said that they would like to do a repeat S/A, and do some hormonal testing on Mr. WB to make sure that the results weren't due to a fluke/bad day & that there are no underlying hormonal issues. However, Dr. G seems to think that the problem was caused by the surgery. He also said that we will most likely need to pursue a more aggressive treatment than he originally thought - possibly IVF. Ugh. I am absolutely TERRIFIED of IVF. It flat out scares the bejesus out of me - the emotional toll, the cost, the physical toll, the shots, taking BCPs again to gear up for an IVF cycle, etc. etc. Ugh again. I didn't cry & I haven't yet....I am trying to be strong for my husband. This is devastating news for us both, but truly devastating to him - he wants to be a daddy more than anything & I wish I could just wave a magic wand & fix this, but I can't.

There is a possibility that the second S/A could show that there is nothing wrong, but I doubt it. I am only 26 years old - I never imagined having to deal with anything this earth shattering at such a young age & in our first year of marriage. I don't know what to do or how to feel, but I know I need to do SOMETHING to occupy myself. Yesterday, I ordered some books about infertility that I will be reading to familiarize myself more with my new reality. I also already follow several blogs of women who have gone through IVF, plus of course Dandelion Bud is a friend. I am trying to learn as much about all of this as possible. I am going to make a list of questions for the RE when we meet again with him on December 18th, but I am holding off on considering us "diagnosed" with MFI until we have our follow up appointment with Dr. G. I am looking into different insurance options that are available to me (thankfully, it's open season at my job & there are no exclusions for pre-existing conditions for our health care options). We will talk to the Dr. about counseling & see if he thinks we should be talking this out with someone. My biggest concern right now is with my husband - I know he feels horrible & I have been telling him that it's not his fault - and it's not. Sometimes life hands you lemons & I truly do believe that the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. If that is true, I hope that this is it - I don't think I can handle anything else, but I guess He knows best. Please keep us in your prayers - I will update as much as possible. I feel like I just got on a roller coaster that I don't want to ride. Please, please let me off.