Why Must She Toy With Me?

I am terrible. I haven't posted in weeks. Life has been crazy which is no excuse.

First, to address the title of my post, I am really really mad at AF. She toys with my emotions and crushes my spirit, and I am fed up with her. DH and I have moved into the "not not trying" phase. He is in the final phases of hiring for a job, and while it hasn't been formalized yet, we are quite confident that it will be. I am actively applying, and am feeling optimistic about a couple of different opportunities. That said, we decided that while we are definitely not actively trying, we would be ok if it happened.

I know this might seem crazy to some people, and maybe it is, but we were talking the other week about how despite how worried we were when our employment situations changed, we have really really been ok. Financially we haven't had to make many sacrifices. We have no consumer debt. We haven't been late on any bills. We have savings. We have made things work. Has it been perfect? No. It has not been ideal. But we have worked hard, and we have made things work. Comparatively speaking (and I know comparing is a terrible idea), but I know several couples with children who were in a worse financial situation when they made the decision to start their family, and they are making it work just fine. I know we could do the same.

Anyways, sorry about the tangent, but the point is, that AF was 2 days late. No symptoms. And this little voice in my head was telling me that despite the fact that it was extremely unlikely, maybe, just maybe, I could be pg. I didn't let myself think it for more than a split second, because I didn't want to be disappointed. But the little voice in my head persisted. It was somewhat terrifying to think that this could be it, but tormenting to think that it most likely wasn't. And then late last night, AF showed up. I felt partial relief, but mostly just sadness. And I think the sadness strengthened the notion that this is what I am ready for. It's not just talk. It is every fiber of my being that wants a child, that wants to start our family. And I hope with everything in me that we won't have to wait much longer.

No Escape

Well hello blogosphere friends! It has been awhile since my last post. Life has been slightly crazy (although I suppose that is always the case). The last couple of weeks have kept pace with the last year or so, with the same themes emerging as always; 1) Fear about our employment situation, 2) Irritation about our forced inability to TTC at present, and 3) The ongoing desire to get my butt in gear and shape up! So an update in all of my regular categories;

1) EMPLOYMENT: Mr.Fitness Bud was passed on to the next phase of the hiring process for the job that he received a contingent offer for. This is GREAT news. We are fairly confident that he will make it to the end and receive the final offer, but again, after such a difficult year, it is hard to have much confidence in anything. He has a computer based test on Tuesday, and once he passes that, he will move on to the next phase of the process. Thoughts and prayers are welcomed and appreciated! As for me, I don't remember if I mentioned that I got a temporary extension of employment by way of being hired on as staff for the recount in our governor's race. This only buys me an extra month, but it is a lot less work than I was previously doing, and surprisingly enough, more pay, so I really can't complain. Timing is less than impeccable, since this position ends shortly before Christmas, but I am still hoping and praying that something else will come my way in the very near future. If the process goes quickly for Mr.FB, I will have significantly less worry about the timing of my own employment!

2) TTC: Like I said, there is no escape from the constant reminders that basically everyone around me is pregnant, and I am not. I went halfway across the country to visit a friend, whilst there, had lunch with another friend in the area, and what do you know, she announces that she is pregnant. Now, I really and truly could not be more happy for this friend. She is the best kind of person, and will be a wonderful mom. But it still stings, and I feel like a terrible person for feeling that way. I don't even venture onto Facebook much anymore, because I can hardly handle the easily 30% of my friends who are expecting or recently gave birth, and all of their glowing pregnancy pictures or cherubic photos of their little ones. Mr. FB and I talk constantly about how we wish it was our time. How we desperately want children. How he can't wait to be a dad, and how I hope that I have no trouble becoming a mom. I don't know if these conversations make it worse or better, but they are hard to avoid......we are in too deep now. We know this is what we want, and nothing will change it. I had my annual OB visit last week, and it was a sad reminder that my visit last year was a pre-conception visit. I have stopped charting, and just decided not to purchase more PNV's because it gives me false hope. Once this employment thing is worked out, I will go forward with gusto, but not now.

3) SHAPING UP - Well, I have no new pictures to post this week, but I have lost 3 pounds, so I feel good about that! Yesterday I splurged on a piece of pizza and a cake pop, but aside from that, I have been very good. I am actually excited about eating healthily, and excited that I will hopefully start seeing more results.

Until next time,

Fitness Bud.

Disgusted

When I started blogging over a year ago, I was in a very different place. I have talked plenty about the frustration of going from a place where we were ready to start TTC over a year ago, to employment situations changing, to now being in limbo and on hold. What I haven't talked about is the reason I have the screen name that I do; Fitness. Way back when, when TTC seemed like it was just around the corner, I was focused on fitness. I was working out regularly, I was eating well, and though I wanted to lose a few pounds, I wasn't overly concerned about where I was at.

My how times have changed. I don't know if the stress did it, or the disappointment, or the setback from being involved in a car accident. It could have been campaign season that did me in, or really just my own sheer stupidity. Either way, I am now 20 pounds heavier than I was, and I feel absolutely disgusted with myself. My clothes don't fit, and things that used to look good on me now look far too snug.

Mr. Fitness Bud has always been my biggest fan. Even as I started gaining weight, he never stopped telling me I was beautiful, but I definitely stopped believing him. This is not a fun place to be in. I hate watching the numbers on the scale climb, yet I know that it is completely my fault. I may not be able to control my employment situation right now, but I CAN control my weight, and the time for that is now.

This was me on my wedding day. This was me when I was at a weight that I was comfortable with. I felt attractive. I felt comfortable in my own skin. I wasn't at my lowest weight, but I was at my "perfect" weight. I just felt good.

I don't feel good anymore. Which is maybe why I don't have any recent pictures.....I don't want to be in them!

This is the first time I have said this "out loud". I felt that with everything going on, that my weight was the least of my worries. But I need to get back to feeling good about myself. I need my confidence back.

So, it starts today. I am going public with these stupid weight struggles. I want to lose the weight BEFORE I get pregnant, so that I don't have an additional 20 pounds to lose AFTER. And I need accountability, so I am trying this again.

I know this is a sensitive subject for a lot of people. I know that I am not severely overweight. I also know each of us have different body types, and different sizes at which we feel comfortable. I am not saying that one way is better than another. I am only speaking for myself and how I feel comfortable in my own skin. And I am asking for help and support so that I can get there.

Thank you all so much. Today is a new day. And hopefully it will be a better one.

This is Not the Life I Planned For

My third anniversary is just around the corner, and I am so excited to celebrate another year of marriage. I love my husband dearly, and though we have had ups and downs over the last 3 years, I couldn't be happier that this is the man I am spending my life with. When we were married 3 years ago though, I never guessed that this was where our lives would be now.

3 years ago, I was 1/2 way through grad school. We had just purchased our home. My hubby was applying for grad school. We had grand plans of fixing up our home, getting going in our careers, and starting our family. We were certain that by the time we were 30, we would have decent jobs (in our fields of study), at least one child, and a renovated home. While things have definitely not turned out as planned, I can't say that we haven't benefitted from our stuggles. We know that all we can count on is each other. We know that at the end of the day our marriage is more important than money or belongings.

At the same time, I still find myself asking "why me?" Why are some people finding GREAT jobs, yet despite investing in our education, we cannot find employment? Why are friends or ours able to purchase nice homes and fill them with nice things, while we have a laundry list of projects that need to be completed and items that need to be bought? Why are what seems like ALL of our friends able to start their families while we need to sit by and watch and wonder when it will be our time?

My husband is the eternal optimist and is my encourager when I am down. He reminds me of the fact that we have a roof over our heads, we are still paying our bills, we are in love with each other, and we truly do have all that we need.

I hope that the saying "Good things come to those who wait", holds true for us.

WOW - OUCH - REALLY?

Before I dive in to the emotional rollercoaster that has been this weekend, I want to start with the good news, and that is the fact that Mr.FB's birthday party went extremely well! Close to 40 people came to celebrate with us, and it was a really good time. Mr.FB was so happy, and I was so glad to see him enjoying time with his friends and not having to worry about the job situation for one evening. It ended up being the perfect way to ring in the big 3-0.

On the other hand, aside from the party, my weekend was chaotic. I started getting sick at the end of last week, and spent the last 5 days doped up on cold medicine, with pockets full of Kleenex and cough drops. :( Being sick isn't fun no matter what, but ESPECIALLY when you work 75 hours per week, like me. Luckily I have a casual office and we are pretty much self-governed, so I was able to sneak in a short nap in lieu of a lunch break which helped a bit. I am sure that the stress isn't helping health-wise. I am always exhausted, and my stress level is high. I keep telling myself that I only need to maintain this pace for another 5 weeks, and then there will be some reprieve........although hopefully not too much reprieve, because I need to find another job after this!

Anyways, the Wow, the Ouch, and the Really, are all of course related to TTC....or lack thereof. It has been such a mix of emotions going through this waiting period. Mr.FB and I have always known that we wanted children. We have talked about it a lot. I knew that I was ready before Mr. FB, but I never wanted him to feel pressured, so I let him come to terms with when to start TTC on his own. And now, we are both SO ready, and can't do anything about it. :( I love my husband so much, and while I am so glad that he is emotionally ready for this, it makes my heart ache each time he tells me that he can't wait to see me with a pregnant belly, or that he is so excited to be a dad, or that he can't wait to see me as a mother. I want all of those things too....SO badly, but we can't have them because even after over 400 applications, my husband still does not have a job, and we are just not at a place where this is a good idea practically speaking.

This week my sister got to hear her baby's heartbeat, and she hit the 15 week mark. My friend made it to 10 weeks and got to break out the bella band. My other friend also just announced on Facebook that she is pregnant.

Today I went to lunch with one of my best friends. She was my maid of honor in my wedding. I was in her wedding. We have been friends for 10 years and have been through so much together. In fact, we even decided that we wanted to try to have our kids close together because we wanted to share that experience. And while I realize that it is silly to try to plan those things, it was fun to think about and hope for the shared experience. She asked me today whether we were going to start TTC as planned (this was going to be our month), and I told her that, no, we still had to wait, that there wasn't a job and that we were hoping for the best. Then she got choked up a bit and couldn't even look me in the eye as she told me that she is pregnant. I am SO SO happy for her, and I am so sad that she felt sad telling me her news. I love her dearly, and while it is bittersweet, I am thrilled for her.

I am hoping that someday soon I can share news of my very own. And I told my friend that it wasn't too late to still go through part of this pregnancy together.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

The Waiting Game

September was going to be the magic month for us. We were certain Mr.Fitness Bud would have a job, and that we would be in a good place. We were positive that September would be perfect timing because then I could take my legislative job and if we were lucky enough to get pregant quickly, the timing would work out well with the legislative session. Turns out, O came and went, and TTC was not in the cards for us this month.

As I mentioned in my previous post, my DH has been laid off for 10 months. He has applied for over 400 jobs, and while we knew the market was tough, never in a million years did we think we would be looking back at almost a year of no work. He is depressed about it. His 30th birthday is in a week and today he said to me, "What do I have to celebrate? I am 30 years old, I have no job, no kids, my mom just died.......I'm not looking forward to this one." It killed me. He is the most optimistic person I have ever met, so seeing him down is tragic to me.

I planned a big party with all of his friends to try to lift him out of his slump, so I am looking forward to next Saturday and hoping that it turns out to be a celebration after all. We are having tacos-in-a-bag (which are awesome if you have never had them before), a keg, lawn games, and just to kick it old school, a beer-pong tournament. :) I also picked out some Armani aviator sunglasses that DH has been wanting for awhile but would never buy for himself. I am hoping that he will ultimately look back on this birthday and feel happy. I am also hoping that this will be his last birthday before he becomes a father. We both want that so much.

I go back and forth between knowing that the responsible thing to do is WAIT until he actually has a job, and saying "The heck with it!" and starting now, based on the assumption that within the next 9 months he WILL find one. I feel like I don't know what is realistic or rational anymore, because everything that we thought a year ago is completely different from what our reality is now.

If you are the praying kind, I would appreciate your prayers for my husband to find work, and for me too. After November I will be looking as well, and while my prospects seem to be very promising, I am learning that nothing is as it seems.

Introducing...Magnolia Bud!

Hello! I'm Magnolia Bud, and I'm excited to be sharing my/our journey with you.

I’ll start with why I chose my Bud name—I think it will help introduce myself. I’ve lived in the southeast for almost six years now, and have been visiting regularly for more than ten years. Magnolias bloom about the time spring turns to summer, which is the part of the year I look forward to most—the days are long, the temperature’s high, there’s always a new hiking trail to explore or a new festival to experience, the grill has been dusted off, and everyone is in good spirits. Their scent is intoxicating, and the fact that each bloom only lasts a few days before it starts to brown makes me look forward to seeing the first bloom on my runs every spring. And when I do, I find myself running a lot further (and every day) during magnolia season so I can enjoy the blooms for as long as they’re around.

With that said, here are my essentials: I’m 29, and I’ve been married to Mr. Magnolia Bud for three years. We are parents to two cats, who we’ve had since they were teeny babies. I’m an attorney working in the nonprofit world, and Mr. Magnolia Bud works in biochem. For fun, I run, read, cook, scrapbook, spend time outdoors, and spend time with Mr. MB and our friends. I say “I run for fun” in a way that actually means I’m quite preoccupied with it--I’m training for my seventh(!) marathon right now, and will be running my fourth Goofy Challenge in January. (The Goofy is when you show up to run a half marathon one day, and a full marathon the next. Through all four parks at Disney World. Yes, I realize that qualifies me as somewhat maniacal.)

Now, the important part. I have many ‘charming’ hobbies, but only Mr. Magnolia Bud knows that my true hobby has become obsessing over babies, baby stuff, and getting pregnant. And I do mean seriously obsessing. Charting, chart stalking, looking up prospective due dates, looking into parenting styles that might work for us, investigating the world of cloth diapers, picking the brain of all possible co-workers with children (and it does NOT help that one has a pair of 5-month old twins!). All of the other hobbies have become mere distractions until it’s our turn to TTC.

So where are we? We’re on CD13 of our last cycle TTA. I’ve been charting since May, and we’ve been TTA to get into a better place financially as well as making sure we’re both done with school and started in our careers. Because we both have post-graduate degrees, all of these needed to be important to us to give future Baby Magnolia Bud a great start.

My charting has shown me that I have a short luteal phase (consistently 8-9 days). I had a LEEP in April, and I worry about potential cervical length issues (among other things). I've started seeing a nurse-midwife at the birth center we plan to use, and we’re going for a tour of the birth center at the end of the month. I’ve started prenatals, and am taking B6 (200mg/day), red raspberry leaf/nettles/oat straw/green teas (most days), and have read TCOYF and What to Expect multiple times. I’ve bought a CBEFM, and ordered my first HPT’s from Amazon.

I hope you’ll enjoy following my journey. Until we TTC, I’ll be talking about getting my body in baby-ready shape, my struggle with a short luteal phase, and my challenges and successes in TTA.

Lots of Love (and baby dust),

Magnolia Bud

Re-Introduction

You may (or may not) have noticed that I haven't posted in a very long time. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you don't remember me at all. So I am re-introducing myself, and telling my story. I am Fitness Bud. Actually, I could probably call myself Unfit Bud, nowadays. :( When I began blogging I was very active, running, lifting weights, and in addition to feeling more comfortable in my own skin, was preparing my body for baby. Things have gone VERY downhill in the last several months, and that is part of my story too.

At this time last year, we were ready to have kids. We were holding off for a little bit, as I was hoping to find a more secure job, but life was good, we were ready, and we were excited to begin TTC. Then, in November, my husband lost his job, and all of our plans were put on hold. While his being laid off was a huge blow, we were confident that with his experience and education, he would find a job quickly. In the mean time, I was continuing to look for a more secure job in my field. Then, in January, I was in a car accident. It wasn't major, but my car was totalled, my back was injured, and the person who hit me didn't have insurance. In addition to having a tighter financial situation, I now had to add the expense of purchasing a new car, and due to my back injury, I was in no shape to continue working out like I had been. 

Fast Forward 9 months, to now. I have not been able to work out like I had been and am feeling terrible about myself. My husband still has no job. We have depleted half of our savings in an effort to pay our bills and stay afloat. I have a new job, but it doesn't pay too well, and I am working 75 hours a week. I took this job because it was an "in" in my field, but it is a temporary position, so as of November, I will be looking for employment. (Although I have repeatedly been assured by my bosses that with my newfound connections it should be no problem). Needless to say, life is not what we thought it would be. It is not what we planned. Last year at this time, I was certain I would be holding a baby in my arms by now. Instead, I am watching my sister, and 7, yes SEVEN of my friends have babies. It blows. 

BUT, I am back. I need to talk about my current station in life. I need to have some way to track my progress. To look back one day and know that things have gotten better. And hopefully it will be therapeutic for me, and just maybe it will help someone else out there as well.

Job Interview

Yes.....I have one! I don't want to get my hopes up, but I can't help it. The interview is with a company with which I have several "ins" if you want to call it that. DH used to work there and left on extremely good terms. He still speaks regularly with many of his former co-workers. We have two friends that work there that I am certain would give me a good recommendation. The organization is also one of the clients that my fellowship group is representing this legislative session, so I know their policy people. AND, their President and CEO was one of my graduate instructors, and I got an "A" in his class. So I HOPE that one of these connections in addition to my interview will be enough to get me in the door!

The interview is next Friday so I am trying to prepare as best I can, in hopes of knocking their socks off. Getting this job would be the first step in finally getting more established in my career, having more financial stability, and being able to set a DEFINITE timeline for TTC! Just as importantly, I know that I would really enjoy the work. This is an organization that I really believe in what they do, the clients they serve, and their business model.

PLEASE send up thoughts, prayers, good vibes, etc. this week. I would really really appreciate it!

I want a baby...

So bad it hurts. It seems like it's a dull ache in my stomach on a daily basis. I'm ready to TTC. I'm ready to be a mom. I've stopped badgering Mr. Snow Bud about it constantly, and I know that he thinks that I've somewhat "put it on the back burner". Nope. Some people make lists of things to do during their 2WW... I've decided to make a list of things to do while dreaming of baby. Maybe it will help someone else out there as well?

1. Organize my house.

2. Make healthy eating choices

3. Read a book a week

4. Enjoy preTTC babymaking time... It's not about anything else right now!

5. Go out with friends

6. Deep clean the kitchen

7. Clean up the yard for winter

8. Travel a little- take weekend trips without worrying about a baby.

9. Clean out my closet

10. Improve on my photography

11. Bake

12. Make a 101 in 1001

13. Blog more

14. Study for my massage national

15. Be spontaneous (we all know that won't be as easy once I'm a mom!)

..... For now, these things keep me busy! Hopefully you find something to keep you busy in your TTA/TTC journey!

Until next time,

A new ride!

So, one of the things that Mr. Snow Bud and I wanted to accomplish before TTC again was to have two cars. We sold his motorcycle a few weeks ago, and we were going to wait until we had put more money into savings to buy a second car. That was until we only had one mode of transportation. Yikes!! For anyone out there who shares a car with their significant other, I commend you. We just couldn't do it. So, Mr. Snow Bud and I hit the car lots last week. We test drove tons of cars it seemed. Since we already have an SUV, we wanted just a 4 door car. We drove Mazda's, Toyota's, Honda's, Volkswagen's, oy. Mr. Snow Bud hated the Mazda 6, I loved it. Mr. Snow Bud loved the Honda Accord, I hated it.

So, when we both climbed into a brand spankin new Honda Civic Hybrid, we both fell in love.

It was between that, and a VW Passat. Volkswagen would not come down at all on a price for their Passat (they had it marked $2500 more than it was worth!), so we went for the Hybrid. I think we ended up with a pretty good deal. We bought it for about $1000 below invoice, as it was their last 2009 Civic on the lot and they wanted to get rid of it below the New Year.

Anyway, so that was our Merry Christmas present. Also, one step closer to TTC. The only bummer is that we took our spring Alaska trip savings to use as a down payment for the car, so we ended up canceling our trip home for now. At least the airlines were kind enough to give us all our miles back without any sort of fee. Sometimes being responsible is hard :] BUT, we love our new car and it's 45+ miles per gallon!!

Until next time,

Finally getting somewhere!

Alright. So I had a mini-meltdown yesterday.

I don't know if it's because everyone and their mom seems to be pregnant around me, or if I keep getting the "So, are you pregnant yet?" questions, or if it's simply for the fact that I have baby rabies.

I finally cracked to Mr. Snow Bud, and told him that we are taking all the right steps financially, we are doing great, much better than we expected. We are saving, we are financially stable, we are OKAY. We talk about getting pregnant daily, babies are a daily passing conversation. I'm ready. I've been ready. Nothing has changed for me, I want a baby.

Of course, I said this all through tears and was a big sniffling mess. I received the hugs, and he even tried to cheer me up by offering to go get chinese food and watch girl movies all night. He didn't say much otherwise.

.... Until this morning. He said that he stayed up last night thinking about what I had said, and this morning thought about it, and decided that he may be able to get on board with a St. Patrick's day continuation of TTC date. He said that at that point, we will be able to see if we are still in fact on track, doing well, and gives us both a date to look forward to.

YAY!!

Let's hope this isn't how our St. Patty's goes this year...

Until next time,

Are We There Yet? Are We There Yet?

Although it reminds me of a long family road trip circa 1989, the lingering question remains, "Are we there yet?"

Unfortunately this time the question refers to TTC. DH is ready. I am ready. Our careers are not, and there are a whole lot of four letter words that could describe how I feel about that. DH and I were SURE we would be TTC at this point. We were both SURE that DH would have a job by now. We were both SURE that it couldn't possibly take me so long to find a different job in my field. We were SURE we would have a 2010 baby. Now I am positive that we were both wrong about the first three statements, and likely wrong about the fourth. Frustration doesn't even begin to describe what I am feeling.

I have spent a lot of time thinking, "why me?". While I don't generally feel it productive to wallow in self-pity, I would be lying if I said I hadn't done at least a little of this since I realized that my timeline was basically shot. Every day I say a little prayer that maybe today will be the day our luck changes. If you are the praying kind, I wouldn't mind having some additional shout-outs going up. I know that things can turn around quickly. I know that maybe on Monday DH will get an interview, or I will make an awesome connection, or somehow everything will fall into place a little bit better than it is now. I know that things will not always be this challenging. But I think I need an extra dose of God's grace to keep me going right now.

I'm getting incessant

... About babies, that is.

Mr. SnowBud pointed out to me this afternoon that I ask him DAILY if it's our time yet.

I don't see how that could get annoying, do you?

I really don't mean to, and don't even really notice it. I do know that I've always been like that, blame my spoiled childhood if you will. I am an incessant person when it comes to something I want. I'm not sure why, but I hope that it's a somewhat lovable characteristic.

Not much to report on the TTA front. It was just so hard getting into the swing of charting this month, we were out of town, a few times my phone (alarm) died in the night so I didn't temp, and now I figure that since I know that I O'd, there isn't a major point to temping right now anyway. I'm feeling a little blah about the whole thing.

I hope everyone is getting finished with their Christmas shopping today I wrapped all of my gifts and they are now under the tree, waiting to be mailed out!

Stay warm everyone!

Until next time

My apologies...

For being away for so long!

I truly hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving. For the first time in my life, my Thanksgiving was celebrated at Mr. Snow Bud's family friend's home, instead of my own families. I will admit, there were a few points during dinner that I wanted to burst into tears, I was so homesick. All in all, it was a good time though. I was able to see snow, which made my heart happy!

We drove to Ohio (14 hours) to see Mr. Snow Bud's mom, he hadn't seen her in 4 years! It was so nice to FINALLY meet her. They have a somewhat distant relationship, but she was such a sweet lady.

We are still TTA. We talked to a financial advisor last week, who said that in his mind, we are doing great. He thought we had smart investments, a good amount in savings, his only advice/critique of our finances was that it seemed that we spent a lot of money on "stupid" stuff. His suggestion? Allot a certain amount of spending money each week, take that exact amount from the checking account in the form of cash, and only spend cash. He said that lots of people get in over their heads because it is very easy to swipe a debit card. So, we are going ahead with that plan. It's amazing how fast your money goes when you are holding it! There are still a few little things he suggested before trying for a baby, and we are going to dutifully follow his advice.

I hope everyone is staying warm during the holidays!

Until next time,

Not Much To Report!

Well, it's very odd going from full blown TTC to TTA. Your life becomes so non-consumed with things that were previously so important to you.

I noticed that I haven't been to FF in a week or two, I haven't thought about AF coming, or whether or not I should have a drink, or whether or not I remembered my B6. I tell you, it's all so boring!

We are still on track to continue TTC in a few months, and that's okay. Mr. Snow Bud and I talk about having babies constantly, although I think he's trying to get out of the mentality more so than I am. He just keeps saying that our time will come. He's right.

I'm currently waiting for AF to show up, once she does, I am going to TTA with charting. I don't think charting will be QUITE as fun knowing that I'm not TTC, but it will be good to figure out my body and know it inside and out when our time comes.

So, I suppose back to my somewhat normal before TTC life, a lot of that revolves around school. I graduate December 5 from massage therapy school, I cannot wait.

Until next time,

Big Test Tomorrow Morning.....

Tomorrow morning I will be using the First Response Fertility Test after a few sketchy cycles to determine once and for all if I am just crazy-bad at temping.....or if God-forbid, something might be up. Obviously the test is not comprehensive, but it will be a good starting point. I am excited, but also a little scared. Basically the test checks FSH level to determine the quantity and quality of eggs, thus an indicator of a woman's ability to get pregnant. I am hoping and praying that tomorrows test will have a positive result....I just want to know that when we start trying in a couple months, that we at least have a better idea of my ability to conceive. That way if there is a problem, we know where to start.

Maybe it is too early to worry.....maybe I am jumping the gun. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I want to be as proactive as possible now so that when the time comes to TTC, I am as informed and knowledgeable as possible about what is going on with my body. I will post results tomorrow.....keep your fingers crossed that all is well!

Nieces are Nice.

Last weekend DH invited his brother and sister-in-law over with our two nieces, ages 3 years and 15 months. For one, I was surprised that DH made the invite......I figured he was either losing his mind, or not truly sure what he was in for.....or a little of both. While I was so excited to see our wonderful nieces, I was also slightly panic-stricken, thinking that this lone visit could make or break DH's desire to have children any time soon. Not only is one of the girls in the very active 3-year age group, but the other is still very young, and still does not always sleep through the night.

In my worst-case-scenario, I envisioned 3-y.o. running around like crazy, with more energy than all of us combined, and the baby being upset about being in a new place and crying nonstop. Not that I would have minded, but I thought that scenario would most certainly put the kibosh on any child-bearing in my near future. In my best-case-scenario, both of the girls were total angels.....and then DH would not have any realistic picture at all about children and would be in for a very rude awakening. I was hoping that the weekend would pan out somewhere right in the middle of both scenarios.....and it did. It was awesome!

We had some great quality time with the girls, both of whom gave uncle J lots of love. The baby who is notorious for not wanting to be held, snuggled right into DH's arms without so much as a squirm, and DH was loving it. Our older niece spent much of the time with me, making brownies, coloring, playing dress-up, and watching movies. I think DH was pleased to see that I could handle it. The baby cried at night, but not for long, and the 3-y.o. loved her play time, but was well-behaved enough that there wasn't a temper tantrum all weekend. Honestly, it was fabulous.

After they all left DH and I settled onto the couch to relax, and both agreed that while we were exhausted, we loved every minute of it. It was a little glimpse into our future, and now I know that it is our near future. While DH's job officially ends due to layoff next Friday, we are hoping and praying that something else comes along very soon. But now we have additional reasons for this hope.......because once something does come along, we will be trying to begin our family. I CAN't WAIT!

I Think the Universe Has a Message For Me....

And that message is "STOP CHARTING!" I know, this is a terrible terrible idea but all signs point to this one resounding message. After being sick, losing the BBT, buying a new BBT, finding the old BBT at the bottom of my garbage can, deciding to throw out old BBT and use only new BBT, I have discovered that the new BBT is only giving me one temp. And that one temp for the last 10 days has been 97.90. No variation at all. Thus, I have concluded that new BBT really does not work and that the cosmos are trying to send me a message. I thought I was doing everything right by charting, trying to figure out O, learning how my body works, etc., and it has been one giant exercise in how to watch things backfire terribly. I feel less sure of what my body is doing now than I did 5 months ago. The only thing I am certain of is that my dear sweet DH is ok with being a little "risky gettin' frisky." And I am ok with that too. Maybe I will try charting again after a few months if I don't wind up with a bun in the oven.

Putting It On Hold

Well, we decided to put TTC on hold for now. We are going in to talk to a financial advisor on November 24th, and will see what they think. We are not destitute, and we aren't over extended, but Mr. Snow Bud is not completely comfortable with our financial situation, mainly the hit to our savings, to TTC right now. We have decided to put it on hold for at least 6 months. As of February 2011, Mr. Snow Bud will be re-enlisting into the military, where we will get a nice sized bonus to pad our savings, so that is our "final resort" if our savings aren't where we want them to be by then. I have complete faith that we will build it back much sooner than that, but it's nice to know that at the very least, I won't have to wait any later than June 2010.

Anyway, I'm really trying not to think about it. I was at a get together with families for Mr. Snow Bud's work this last Friday, and two of the wives just had babies. It just about made my heart drop, I think I really had to work on fighting back tears. It's hard.

Mr. Snow Bud and I decided that I won't go back on birth control, as I want my period as regulated as possible, so will be charting until then. I figure if anything, you can now keep up with me TTA for now!

Thanks so much for all the support I've received, I truly appreciate it!

Until next time,