Guys, I am SO sorry that it's been 3 weeks since my last post! It's super hard to believe. Life has been quite hectic lately...my brother left for Coast Guard boot camp, my dad's cancer has gotten worse, work has been really busy with sinus infections and bronchitis and we're changing to a new electronic medical records system at work and I have to stay after work a lot for classes. Plus, I got sick with a bad head cold a couple of weeks ago and then hurt my back last week. Whew! Ready for things to calm down a little.
Okay, first thing's first. ALRIGHT DIVA!!! Whoop whoop! Go 'head girl! That is FANTASTIC!!! I knew it was coming...I felt it in my bones. And I love the way you told Mr. DBud. Don't worry about a thing babe, ya'll got this!
I will be 15 weeks on Wednesday...so Skittle will be 13 weeks old. The crown to rump length for this week of pregnancy is 4-4.5 inches. Baby continues to grow rapidly. Skittle has thin skin and at this point you can see blood vessels through the skin. The lanugo hair covers the baby's body. It may be sucking it's thumb and its eyes are at the front of the face but still widely separated.
My symptoms have pretty much disappeared but I still get some nausea occasionally. The fatigue is pretty prevalent (cleaning the house is a major undertaking). I still get some cramping occasionally but I attribute it to "growing pains." I got a pair of maternity jeans and shirts a few weeks ago and am so much more comfortable. I have to wear a belly band at work (mostly for my back, though I do notice some abdominal cramping when I don't wear it) and my scrub tops and pants are getting pretty snug. My face still breaks out (something I've never been lucky enough to not have to worry about) but worse at the 4 week increments. I have more of a belly now, though mine still isn't as cute as Lucky's. I've gained about 9 pounds so far...something I intend to keep a closer eye on.
I listen to Skittle's heart beat about every other night before bed. I'd listen to it all night if I could. It's staying between 155 and 160. Mr. CB and I think we got to feel baby move the other weekend. It was Sunday morning and I had to pee (big surprise, right?) so my uterus was pushed up. I decided to try and see. So I applied some pressure and waited. Then I thought I felt a fluttering under my fingers. I excitedly told Mr. CB (who hadn't long before gotten home from working 3rd shift) so he rolled over and tried for himself. And he got to feel it too! Just a little rolling movement under the fingers. It seems God and this baby are continually letting me know that everything is/will be okay.
This past week has been a little hard emotionally at work. Thursday marks the EDD for my second baby. It's hard to listen to the girls at work (especially the BF who's baby is about 4 months old now) talking about their kids. Sometimes I can't help thinking "it should be me talking about getting up at all hours...nursing a sick baby...whining about sore breasts because I need to pump...showing off pictures...bragging about baby's first giggle...needing to buy bigger baby clothes." God knows I'm happy about this miracle that I've been blessed with. But I can't help to still be sad about the two I haven't been able to meet...and won't until I go to Heaven. I don't like the pain. But I refuse to ever really let it go. When I pray, I ask the Lord to share my love with my babies and to let them know that I will never forget them and can wait to meet them.
I will close for now (sorry about the sad closing). I'll try to do better with my blogging.
Showing posts with label Miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Miscarriage. Show all posts
February 20, 2012
December 11, 2011
Oh, Brother!
I've been riding this TTC roller coaster for 3 years now. Mr. Bossy & I are becoming accustomed to disappointment. It's hard knowing that my worst fear has come true: Infertility.
Recently, I felt like I was sucker-punched. My little brother (by 3 years) married his fiance in July of this year. They had been together for 2 years. His wife (who is 22) had mentioned to me in June that she couldn't wait to start a family. I wanted to tell her to slow down and enjoy life (she had just graduated from college for goodness sake!), but I REALLY wanted her to wait until Mr. Bossy & I had started our own family first. I mean, I'm the oldest and I've been married longer. Shouldn't I provide my parents with their first grandchild?
I got the phone call in late August (one month after they were married). My brother and I are not that close. He only lives 30 minutes away, but we don't EVER chat on the phone. We'll occasionally phone each other when there is something important to discuss. I knew right away by the way he was keeping me on the phone that there was something else he had to say. Then came the words I was dreading- "J's pregnant!" A honeymoon baby! He said it was a "surprise." I tried my hardest to act excited, but I'm pretty sure I didn't. I hung up the phone and cried.
I know that it wasn't done to hurt me, but I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I realize that everywhere around the world, people become pregnant unexpectedly. But this felt different- I had to look at it every time I logged onto Facebook (I've since hidden their posts) and see her bump every time the family got together. I thought our prayers had finally been answered when Mr. Bossy & I discovered a month later that we had a little one coming also! Imagine our heartbreak when we were told a month later that our baby didn't have a heartbeat.
My brother and J found out the sex of their baby the day after my d & c. Perfect timing. And to top it all off- the family is getting together this afternoon to celebrate J's birthday. I've been down-right nasty to Mr. Bossy this entire weekend, and it's not even his fault! Where is our silver lining? When will it be our turn?
I promise this will be my last depressing post for a while. I just needed to vent, and I know that this is a place where others will understand.
Bossy Bud
Recently, I felt like I was sucker-punched. My little brother (by 3 years) married his fiance in July of this year. They had been together for 2 years. His wife (who is 22) had mentioned to me in June that she couldn't wait to start a family. I wanted to tell her to slow down and enjoy life (she had just graduated from college for goodness sake!), but I REALLY wanted her to wait until Mr. Bossy & I had started our own family first. I mean, I'm the oldest and I've been married longer. Shouldn't I provide my parents with their first grandchild?
I got the phone call in late August (one month after they were married). My brother and I are not that close. He only lives 30 minutes away, but we don't EVER chat on the phone. We'll occasionally phone each other when there is something important to discuss. I knew right away by the way he was keeping me on the phone that there was something else he had to say. Then came the words I was dreading- "J's pregnant!" A honeymoon baby! He said it was a "surprise." I tried my hardest to act excited, but I'm pretty sure I didn't. I hung up the phone and cried.
I know that it wasn't done to hurt me, but I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I realize that everywhere around the world, people become pregnant unexpectedly. But this felt different- I had to look at it every time I logged onto Facebook (I've since hidden their posts) and see her bump every time the family got together. I thought our prayers had finally been answered when Mr. Bossy & I discovered a month later that we had a little one coming also! Imagine our heartbreak when we were told a month later that our baby didn't have a heartbeat.
My brother and J found out the sex of their baby the day after my d & c. Perfect timing. And to top it all off- the family is getting together this afternoon to celebrate J's birthday. I've been down-right nasty to Mr. Bossy this entire weekend, and it's not even his fault! Where is our silver lining? When will it be our turn?
I promise this will be my last depressing post for a while. I just needed to vent, and I know that this is a place where others will understand.
Bossy Bud
November 30, 2011
The Waiting Game.
Tomorrow will mark 3 weeks since we discovered our baby didn't have a heartbeat. Honestly, it feels like forever ago. There was denial (the doctor could be wrong, right?) numbness, and TONS of tears. I'll admit that I'm doing much better now, but tears still come to my eyes when I least expect it.
I opted for a natural miscarriage. A few friends were surprised to learn about my decision. In fact, one response was, "Dear God, bless you." Another friend asked, "Why?" I honestly could not answer. It was just what I wanted. I wanted (for once) my body to do something naturally. I wanted to be able to say goodbye to our child on "my" terms.
Sadly, that didn't work out. I never miscarried. I returned to my doctor this afternoon, and she told me that we could wait another week and see what happens. I chose to go ahead with the D&C. Not to sound cold- but, I'm ready to move forward and I feel like the longer we prolong this, the longer it will take to prepare my body for the FET.
My D&C is scheduled for Monday morning.
I was able to ask my RE a lot of questions pertaining to the FET (I'm obviously a planner). She said that we will transfer two embryos this time instead of one (we did one for our fresh cycle). She also told me that they are seeing a greater success with their FETs compared to their fresh cycles. She went on to explain that my body will be under much less stress, and she promised that our frozen embryos were of excellent quality.
I learned that they freeze the embryos in sets of two. And, I also learned that they don't freeze the "best of the best" together. Since my clinic is trying to reduce the number of multiple births, they freeze a "top notch" embryo with a mediocre embryo. Regardless, my RE told me that our chance of success is 53%. It was 50% for our fresh cycle. I'll take it!
Now- if only I could fast-forward til' February. Perhaps I should change my name to Impatient Bud!
-Bossy Bud
I opted for a natural miscarriage. A few friends were surprised to learn about my decision. In fact, one response was, "Dear God, bless you." Another friend asked, "Why?" I honestly could not answer. It was just what I wanted. I wanted (for once) my body to do something naturally. I wanted to be able to say goodbye to our child on "my" terms.
Sadly, that didn't work out. I never miscarried. I returned to my doctor this afternoon, and she told me that we could wait another week and see what happens. I chose to go ahead with the D&C. Not to sound cold- but, I'm ready to move forward and I feel like the longer we prolong this, the longer it will take to prepare my body for the FET.
My D&C is scheduled for Monday morning.
I was able to ask my RE a lot of questions pertaining to the FET (I'm obviously a planner). She said that we will transfer two embryos this time instead of one (we did one for our fresh cycle). She also told me that they are seeing a greater success with their FETs compared to their fresh cycles. She went on to explain that my body will be under much less stress, and she promised that our frozen embryos were of excellent quality.
I learned that they freeze the embryos in sets of two. And, I also learned that they don't freeze the "best of the best" together. Since my clinic is trying to reduce the number of multiple births, they freeze a "top notch" embryo with a mediocre embryo. Regardless, my RE told me that our chance of success is 53%. It was 50% for our fresh cycle. I'll take it!
Now- if only I could fast-forward til' February. Perhaps I should change my name to Impatient Bud!
-Bossy Bud
November 28, 2011
Bossy Bud's Intro!
Hi Everyone! I can be a little long-winded, so I'll give you a summary (or as my students like to call it- the short version). Mr. Bossy Bud (who is anything but bossy) and I live in Central Florida. Ironically, we aren't Disney fans, but we adore the beach and eating seafood. We met and fell in love ten years ago. Five years ago, he made me his wife. Up until three years ago, we were living our lives quite happily. You see- I'm extremely bossy (hence my Bud name) and I plan everything to the last detail.
I had everything figured out:
We (of course) thought TTC would be simple. Just ditch the birth control and BD as much as possible. Boy- were we wrong. After one year of trying, we visited my OB/GYN who diagnosed me with PCOS and placed me on met-formin. She ordered some tests on Mr. Bossy Bud and determined that he was fine. Then- she referred us to a RE.
Two years later, three unsuccessful IUIs, IVF, and a recent missed miscarriage have led us to today. I can honestly say that our journey has only made us stronger and brought us that much closer. Our current plan is to remain hopeful and prayerful for a FET in January/February.
The following Bible verse comes to mind every time I find myself questioning the plan:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I'm beginning to realize that I can't be in control of everything (no matter how hard I fight it), and everything happens for a reason. I'm hoping that blogging on Bloomin' Babies will help keep me focused and allow me to share and learn throughout my journey!
-Bossy Bud
I'm so pleased and honored to be able to join the Bloomin' Babies Board! I've been interested in blogging for quite a while now, but I've never had the courage to jump into it. I can't wait to share our TTC journey with each of you.
I had everything figured out:
- Get engaged. (July 4th, 2004)
- Graduate college with my Bachelors. (May 2005)
- Teach one full year. ( August 2005- June 2006)
- Begin graduate school. (August 2006)
- Get married. (October 2006)
- Build our first home. (September 2007)
- Graduate from graduate school. (August 2008)
- Begin TTC. (October 2008)
We (of course) thought TTC would be simple. Just ditch the birth control and BD as much as possible. Boy- were we wrong. After one year of trying, we visited my OB/GYN who diagnosed me with PCOS and placed me on met-formin. She ordered some tests on Mr. Bossy Bud and determined that he was fine. Then- she referred us to a RE.
Two years later, three unsuccessful IUIs, IVF, and a recent missed miscarriage have led us to today. I can honestly say that our journey has only made us stronger and brought us that much closer. Our current plan is to remain hopeful and prayerful for a FET in January/February.
The following Bible verse comes to mind every time I find myself questioning the plan:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I'm beginning to realize that I can't be in control of everything (no matter how hard I fight it), and everything happens for a reason. I'm hoping that blogging on Bloomin' Babies will help keep me focused and allow me to share and learn throughout my journey!
-Bossy Bud
November 22, 2011
And on CD14...
Ok, so I have been taking the OPKs since CD6. Every day has been blatanly negative. Last night I said something to Mr. CB about possibly not ovulating this month either because I haven't noticed any changes in my CF - dry as a bone. Ironically, this morning I was surprised with this:
Sorry the pic is so blurry. Maybe I was too excited to hold the camera still. We have been FWPing every other day so far. It looks like it's time to step things up a little though, huh?
I babysat for the BF this past weekend. I swear, if I can be so blessed I promise to try my hardest to not fuss and complain about the lack of sleep, the poopy diapers, the sore boobs or the post-partem bleeding. I promise that I will remind myself everyday how lucky I am to overcome such adversity while never forgetting and always remembering the babies I've lost.
Amen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I would like to send a formal "WELCOME!" to Buckeye Bud. I'm sorry I haven't done this earlier but my poor old laptop struggles sometimes. Anyway, as I'm sure you are quite aware, this is an exceptional group of women. I have learned a tremendous amount since joining this blog and find immeasurable comfort in knowing that I am not alone in these struggles. I hope that Bloomin Babies is as therapeutic for you as it has been for me. And I wish you all the luck in the world in having a baby of your own!
Sorry the pic is so blurry. Maybe I was too excited to hold the camera still. We have been FWPing every other day so far. It looks like it's time to step things up a little though, huh?I babysat for the BF this past weekend. I swear, if I can be so blessed I promise to try my hardest to not fuss and complain about the lack of sleep, the poopy diapers, the sore boobs or the post-partem bleeding. I promise that I will remind myself everyday how lucky I am to overcome such adversity while never forgetting and always remembering the babies I've lost.
Amen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I would like to send a formal "WELCOME!" to Buckeye Bud. I'm sorry I haven't done this earlier but my poor old laptop struggles sometimes. Anyway, as I'm sure you are quite aware, this is an exceptional group of women. I have learned a tremendous amount since joining this blog and find immeasurable comfort in knowing that I am not alone in these struggles. I hope that Bloomin Babies is as therapeutic for you as it has been for me. And I wish you all the luck in the world in having a baby of your own!
November 20, 2011
Buckeye Bud - An Introduction to My Journey
I am SO excited to not only be the newest addition to this blog but also to be joining an amazing group of women with similar life struggles. I never imagined how hard this journey would be or why God would choose me to be a passenger on this unfair journey. Here is a quick wrap-up about how I got here today.
My first pregnancy occurred in July 2010. I went in for my ten week Ultrasound on a Friday and found out my baby stopped growing at seven weeks. I had a missed miscarriage that weekend and a DNC the following Monday. I was completely and utterly devastated beyond belief. I had never in my entire life felt pain to that magnitude. My life was over, my dream was destroyed, and the light at the end of the tunnel was 20 light-years away. Everyone I encountered seemed to say all the wrong things. “It wasn’t meant to be,” or “it will happen again just be patient” were some of the worthless rubbish I heard on a daily basis. People didn’t mean to be cruel; they just don’t know what to say in situations like that.
Three very long months later I got pregnant again. Shocker…another miscarriage at six weeks. Four months later I got pregnant AGAIN and had a miscarriage at six weeks. By this time, I was completely numb from the pain. I had cried so much over the past year that I was completely out of tears by the time I found out about an unexpected tubal pregnancy in August 2011. A persons mind is a very sensitive thing and for it to be beat up so much in so little time put me in such a deep depression I never thought I would find my way out. But hope has pulled me out.....it's all I have left!
My goal of joining this blog are to become a support system for other women in situations similar to my own. Helping others helps with healing my own self, so I am tremendously eager to get started!
-Buckeye BudNovember 16, 2011
Not much to report (yet again). As I'm sure you all guessed, no BFP this month. Ironically AF came the very evening of my last post. =o(
Like Diva, I have decided to go the OPK route. And like her again, I bought the pharmacy generic brand. I decided to buy the kind with the strips rather than the POS kind. I started Monday, so we'll see. Everyone around me seems to swear by OPKs but I'm the only person I know with two MCs under my belt. I hope the OPK will prove as successful for me and Diva as they have for others.
Like Diva, I have decided to go the OPK route. And like her again, I bought the pharmacy generic brand. I decided to buy the kind with the strips rather than the POS kind. I started Monday, so we'll see. Everyone around me seems to swear by OPKs but I'm the only person I know with two MCs under my belt. I hope the OPK will prove as successful for me and Diva as they have for others.
July 15, 2011
Its Here
(Image credit:http://tinyurl.com/6kc4lkm) The due date from my first pregnancy has finally arrived. It seemed ages away when I miscarried last November. 35 weeks later, here we are.
I've had such a crazy mix of emotions this week. On the one hand, I'm grieving over what could've have been had the first pregnancy worked out. On the other, I'm so thankful for the little guy I've got growing inside now. Its a strange feeling knowing that he'd not have been possible had the pregnancy with his sibling worked out. In my situation, the first pregnancy would've only been at the 13 week mark when this pregnancy began. What's hard to explain is that I want the impossible. I want BOTH babies.
To make this week even more emotional, we're also at the crossover to 3rd Trimester (27 weeks tomorrow). I'm finding that a part of me wants to mourn what today should've been, and another part wants to celebrate the milestone for the little one on the way.
As sort of an aside, I'd like to suggest to all those that know someone who has had a miscarriage that you ask them when the due date would've been and acknowledge it when the time comes around. Not a single person I know in real life has acknowledged what today is, not even my husband. Not surprising for nobody to think of, but it kind of stings. It seems like a lot of people don't realize that even if a pregnancy loss happens really early on, there's a good chance that the mother-to-be has already calculated roughly when the due date would be. Its a date that sticks in your mind, no matter how much life has changed since the miscarriage happened.
June 13, 2011
Heartbroken for a friend...
I wanted to share something with all of you. Some thoughts about miscarriage, from my perspective now that I've been through one and am having a healthy pregnancy so far.
Mr. Magnolia Bud and I have suspected that our best friends have been TTC for a couple of months now. This weekend, DH's best friend let it slip that they were, but his wife was miscarrying. My heart just sunk when he told us. I hate that she has to go through the worry, the heartbreak, the life-altering emotional roller coaster that too many of us know all too well. I spent the whole rest of Saturday night trying not to cry. I couldn't sleep at all once we got home, and woke up early the next morning to send her a message to let her know I'm thinking of her and want to be as supportive as she'll let me be.
Maybe I'm having such a strong reaction because ours is still fresh in my memory (and may be forever). Maybe it's because our first EDD passed on June 2 without recognition from anyone else. I think though, that I'm having such a strong reaction because I know how much it hurts, and I wouldn't wish that much pain on anyone--especially someone who holds such a dear place in my heart. I foolishly thought that when I did get pregnant, hearing about a loss wouldn't be as hard--because we'd be secure in knowing that our baby was safe and healthy. This weekend I learned that not only am I experiencing a very similar heartbreak as I did for our loss, but I'm also feeling guilty that this pregnancy is going so easily for us knowing how hard a time she's having right now.
Don't get me wrong--I love Baby Magnolia Bud more than anything. But I feel guilty about life's unfairness. Why great people who are in a healthy place in their lives, who want nothing more than to become parents, are the ones who I hear about that have to deal with pregnancy loss, complications, worry, and heartbreak. Why the people we know (especially in our families) who aren't in a good place financially, emotionally, etc. are the ones who go through their (sometimes unplanned) pregnancies without worries, fears, or complications? Why, in our group of friends, can't we be the 1 in 4, but instead are 3 in 5?
I know there aren't easy answers (or any answers?) for why life hands us what it does. I also know that with the right support, each of us is strong enough to get through anything that comes our way--despite how hopeless it seems while we're in the midst of the problem or situation. So I'll be the support. I hope that I can help make my friend's life easier over the next days, weeks, and months. And I really hope she gets her take-home baby soon, because I can't think of a better mom than she'll be.
Mr. Magnolia Bud and I have suspected that our best friends have been TTC for a couple of months now. This weekend, DH's best friend let it slip that they were, but his wife was miscarrying. My heart just sunk when he told us. I hate that she has to go through the worry, the heartbreak, the life-altering emotional roller coaster that too many of us know all too well. I spent the whole rest of Saturday night trying not to cry. I couldn't sleep at all once we got home, and woke up early the next morning to send her a message to let her know I'm thinking of her and want to be as supportive as she'll let me be.
Maybe I'm having such a strong reaction because ours is still fresh in my memory (and may be forever). Maybe it's because our first EDD passed on June 2 without recognition from anyone else. I think though, that I'm having such a strong reaction because I know how much it hurts, and I wouldn't wish that much pain on anyone--especially someone who holds such a dear place in my heart. I foolishly thought that when I did get pregnant, hearing about a loss wouldn't be as hard--because we'd be secure in knowing that our baby was safe and healthy. This weekend I learned that not only am I experiencing a very similar heartbreak as I did for our loss, but I'm also feeling guilty that this pregnancy is going so easily for us knowing how hard a time she's having right now.
Don't get me wrong--I love Baby Magnolia Bud more than anything. But I feel guilty about life's unfairness. Why great people who are in a healthy place in their lives, who want nothing more than to become parents, are the ones who I hear about that have to deal with pregnancy loss, complications, worry, and heartbreak. Why the people we know (especially in our families) who aren't in a good place financially, emotionally, etc. are the ones who go through their (sometimes unplanned) pregnancies without worries, fears, or complications? Why, in our group of friends, can't we be the 1 in 4, but instead are 3 in 5?
I know there aren't easy answers (or any answers?) for why life hands us what it does. I also know that with the right support, each of us is strong enough to get through anything that comes our way--despite how hopeless it seems while we're in the midst of the problem or situation. So I'll be the support. I hope that I can help make my friend's life easier over the next days, weeks, and months. And I really hope she gets her take-home baby soon, because I can't think of a better mom than she'll be.
June 2, 2011
Remembering...
I'll post an update in just a few minutes (everything's good!), but I wanted to post separately for this.
Today I'm a little melancholy. Very happy to be pregnant, but missing Baby #1. Today was my original due date. Until now, the date's been in the back of my mind as a day that probably wouldn't be easy for me, but now it's here. All I can think about is that today I should be visiting with the midwives for my 40 week appointment. Maybe having an NST or an ultrasound to make sure baby's doing fine. Probably starting at-home techniques to put myself into labor and trying hard to enjoy the last few days of my pregnancy.
Instead, today we're remembering our first baby while going about our lives. We're thankful that our take-home baby will be here soon--but that doesn't make us miss our first baby any less.
Today I'm a little melancholy. Very happy to be pregnant, but missing Baby #1. Today was my original due date. Until now, the date's been in the back of my mind as a day that probably wouldn't be easy for me, but now it's here. All I can think about is that today I should be visiting with the midwives for my 40 week appointment. Maybe having an NST or an ultrasound to make sure baby's doing fine. Probably starting at-home techniques to put myself into labor and trying hard to enjoy the last few days of my pregnancy.
Instead, today we're remembering our first baby while going about our lives. We're thankful that our take-home baby will be here soon--but that doesn't make us miss our first baby any less.
April 21, 2011
My Miscarriage
I want to preface this post by saying that this IS NOT about my current pregnancy. It is about my first pregnancy, which occurred in November 2010. I purposely backdated this post (it's really May now) so that it would not appear on the front page of Bloomin' Babies and alarm people. I feel like it's important to get my story on here though for those going through similar, particularly since I referenced this blog when I was going through my loss, so here goes...
Please be warned that I am going to speak frankly, and sometimes graphically, about the experience. If either of those things bother you, please scroll on by this post. For those living through a miscarriage, knowing the nitty gritty details is important...and this post is for them.
I got my first BFP on November 9, 2010. For a few glorious days there were the first few signs of pregnancy. The slight nausea, super smell, exhaustion beyond words. That all changed around 2am on November 12.
I was woken up around 2am by excruciating cramps. They whipped around my right side, felt like they were following my abdominal muscle. The pain was so intense that it woke me from a dead sleep and had me crying out in pain. The cramps moved like lightning. There were two or three waves of them, then they disappeared. I never felt another pregnancy symptom after that moment. Not one.
The next morning I felt totally normal...which made me really uneasy since I'd been exhausted in days prior. Around noon, the spotting started. At first it was brownish red, by bedtime it was pink. When I woke up that morning, there was absolutely no question what was happening. Bright red blood. Lots of it. This was on November 13th, a Saturday. Since it was a weekend and we had company in town, I wasn't able to get to the doctor until Monday morning. I knew there was nothing they could do to save the pregnancy at that point, so I didn't feel it was urgent for me to get checked out. Nature was taking its course.
On Monday the 15th, I was able to reach my doctor and they got me in as soon as they could. By that time I was passing clots in addition to the heavy bleeding. Cramping was present as well, though it was never horrible, moderate mostly. There was tissue passing as well, including **graphic warning** the embryo. I'd never heard nor read that they embryo would be recognizable at the gestation I was (5w1d). It passed completely intact within its amniotic sac. That was the single image of the whole miscarriage that was burned into my brain. It literally looked like the 5 week image from the Pregnology website (www.pregnology.com), except with the sac. All told, it was about the size of a ping pong ball.
Please be warned that I am going to speak frankly, and sometimes graphically, about the experience. If either of those things bother you, please scroll on by this post. For those living through a miscarriage, knowing the nitty gritty details is important...and this post is for them.
I got my first BFP on November 9, 2010. For a few glorious days there were the first few signs of pregnancy. The slight nausea, super smell, exhaustion beyond words. That all changed around 2am on November 12.
I was woken up around 2am by excruciating cramps. They whipped around my right side, felt like they were following my abdominal muscle. The pain was so intense that it woke me from a dead sleep and had me crying out in pain. The cramps moved like lightning. There were two or three waves of them, then they disappeared. I never felt another pregnancy symptom after that moment. Not one.
The next morning I felt totally normal...which made me really uneasy since I'd been exhausted in days prior. Around noon, the spotting started. At first it was brownish red, by bedtime it was pink. When I woke up that morning, there was absolutely no question what was happening. Bright red blood. Lots of it. This was on November 13th, a Saturday. Since it was a weekend and we had company in town, I wasn't able to get to the doctor until Monday morning. I knew there was nothing they could do to save the pregnancy at that point, so I didn't feel it was urgent for me to get checked out. Nature was taking its course.
On Monday the 15th, I was able to reach my doctor and they got me in as soon as they could. By that time I was passing clots in addition to the heavy bleeding. Cramping was present as well, though it was never horrible, moderate mostly. There was tissue passing as well, including **graphic warning** the embryo. I'd never heard nor read that they embryo would be recognizable at the gestation I was (5w1d). It passed completely intact within its amniotic sac. That was the single image of the whole miscarriage that was burned into my brain. It literally looked like the 5 week image from the Pregnology website (www.pregnology.com), except with the sac. All told, it was about the size of a ping pong ball.
At my appointment on Monday, the doctors office was awesome. I didn't realize this until I went in for my current BFP, but they got me in immediately (so I didn't have to sit amongst the visibly pregnant ladies) and brought me in to a neutral exam room (as opposed to the one with Tinkerbell stickers in it I went into for this BFP). They asked me to describe what I'd experienced and I could tell by the look on the doctors face that my thought of miscarriage was right...especially when I described the embryo. She did a pelvic exam and confirmed an open cervix & heavy bleeding. The diagnosis given was "partial spontaneous abortion". (Don't even get me started on how awful it is to have the word 'abortion' given to you when you are having a miscarriage...) She said the 'partial' part was because it was still ongoing. She gave me paperwork to get an ultrasound done to confirm the progress of the miscarriage a few days later. They needed to make sure all of the "products of conception" got out so that there were not further problems down the road.
The ultrasound a couple of days later was not AT ALL like I'd imagined my first ultrasound would be. For starters, I kicked things off by warning the tech that things were a bloody mess down there when he asked me to get into the johnny. I have no idea how I held myself together in that ultrasound room. I think being a scientist helped...I found it fascinating that he could tell what was my ovaries, see the fallopian tubes, even see the bleeding. Physically there was some discomfort, particularly when the vagcam bumped the cervix. As it turned out, I was experiencing the best case scenario for a miscarriage. I completely fell apart when I got out to the car.
The doctor saw me again a couple of days later and confirmed that I'd now experienced a "Complete Spontaneous Abortion". My bleeding lasted 7 days total, with the worst happening in the first 3-4 days.
There were all sorts of aches that went with the miscarriage that caught be by surprise so I want to be sure to mention them. For a couple days in the thick of the miscarriage my cervix and uterus felt really irritated. For about a week after that, my ovaries just ached and ached.
My cycle returned exactly on time, 29 days later...though as charting post miscarriage would show, the ovulation date and length of my luteal phase changed post miscarriage (changes in your cycle are common, as it turns out). For the first couple of post-loss cycles, things were haywire physically. One month my boobs ached excruciatingly during the 2ww. Another month my ovulation pains were intense (I occasionally feel them, but never more than a twinge...this was waaay more than a twinge).
Emotionally during the whole miscarriage experience I just felt broken. When I got the BFP it felt like it was my job to protect this little life and I'd failed. I felt like I was apparently incapable of doing something that women have been able to do since the beginning of time. There was an incredible amount of fear that subsequent pregnancies would have the same ending and that this was the first sign that we would have a much more difficult road to having a family. I'd never realized until I was experiencing it how incredibly hard it is to go through even the earliest of miscarriages.
I realized that most likely there was something wrong with the baby from the moment of conception (~50% of all miscarriage prior to 6 weeks are due to chromosomal abnormalities rendering the baby incompatible with life). Thing is, hearing that there was probably something wrong with the baby and it was probably for the best wasn't comforting. My first thought when I was told that (and I'm being completely honest here) was, "Great, so you're telling me we can make little mutant babies..." Hearing that there was likely a chromosomal defect to my 34 year old eggs was far from a comfort.
One of the only things that really gave me comfort, was thinking of the people I know who had a loss of their own and had gone on to have one (or more) healthy babies. People like my friend K, who had a late 1st Tri loss and went on to have three kids. Or my friend S, who had a chemical pregnancy and at the time of my loss was 20 weeks pregnant (she's since delivered a little girl). Or my mother, who had a miscarriage just before she conceived my youngest brother. The hope that their stories gave me is why I'm sharing my story with you. I feel that its important to talk about pregnancy loss. Its important to remove the taboo. Its important for those going through it to know that they aren't alone, that this is (unfortunately) quite common...and most importantly that it is in no way their fault.
March 23, 2011
Is It Ovulation?
So I am going to switch back to gluten-free cause I just felt so much better on that. I lost about another 5 pounds since aunt flo left. So on that note I've felt this twinging of pain and it makes me wonder if I'm ovulating? That would be awesome if that is what the pain was :) but of course with that comes the creeping fears of miscarriage.
What is more frustrating is I thought I was beyond that... thought I was okay and ready for this. Don't get me wrong I am, but those fears are creeping back in about will I make it past those 6 weeks and if I do will my anxiety fears calm down? Will I not feel peace until I hold the bundle of joy in my arms. UGH!
All these thoughts have been getting me down the last few days... which I don't want. So I had a long talk with God and I just have to put it in his hands. I have to put complete trust that he will take care of me and the miracle my heart so desires... and know it will be okay if I get pregnant this cycle.
I can't help [despite the fears of miscarriage & thinking I wanted to wait two more cycles] hope that I will get pregnant this cycle. And as the days near the end of this cycle I am hoping I get a BFP. I don't think that hope really ever leaves when TTC... even though I say next time I won't get my hopes up or set them to high, but I do anyways... every time without fail.
So as I wait out these last weeks I will wait and see if my next cycle starts or just maybe [hoping] I get a BFP.
What is more frustrating is I thought I was beyond that... thought I was okay and ready for this. Don't get me wrong I am, but those fears are creeping back in about will I make it past those 6 weeks and if I do will my anxiety fears calm down? Will I not feel peace until I hold the bundle of joy in my arms. UGH!
All these thoughts have been getting me down the last few days... which I don't want. So I had a long talk with God and I just have to put it in his hands. I have to put complete trust that he will take care of me and the miracle my heart so desires... and know it will be okay if I get pregnant this cycle.
I can't help [despite the fears of miscarriage & thinking I wanted to wait two more cycles] hope that I will get pregnant this cycle. And as the days near the end of this cycle I am hoping I get a BFP. I don't think that hope really ever leaves when TTC... even though I say next time I won't get my hopes up or set them to high, but I do anyways... every time without fail.
So as I wait out these last weeks I will wait and see if my next cycle starts or just maybe [hoping] I get a BFP.
March 22, 2011
He's Here!!!
After a long Journey, 2 m/c and 1 cp Our little man arrived February 15th at 1:36pm and we could not be happier. He is so perfect and we are so much in love. Labor was amazing and I would do it again in a heartbeat!
Here is my birth story -
Monday 2/14, I had my 39 week appointment and I was 4 centimeters dilated. My Dr stripped my membranes and asked me if I would like to be induced that afternoon or first thing in the morning. Since I knew induction would take a long time I choose to be induced first thing the next morning so that I was able to go home to pack up any last minute things and rest.
Tuesday 2/15, We checked into the hospital at 7am and was in our room and hooked up to the IV's with pitocin by 8:30am.
10:40am - the nurse checked me and I was a little over 5 cm dilated. The contractions were not as painful as I thought but I requested the Epidural just in case the intensified or it was too late to request it (I am so glad I did this).
11:45am - my doctor came to check my progress and break my water. This was the oddest feeling ever... I felt as if I had the Niagara Falls coming down my leg, I can not image my water breaking at home.. I would have freaked out!!! My Contractions were slowing down from 4 minutes apart to 6 minutes apart. My doctor estimated he would be here by 2.
12pm - The cafeteria opened to I told my DH to go grab some lunch since my contractions were slowing down and this would probably take some time. He left with my cousins and I took the opportunity and rested.
1:05pm - I was on skype with my sister and feeling a little pressure and this odd feeling that the baby was pushing and trying to get out of my butt (odd explanation).
1:15pm - The nurse comes in to check on my contractions and I explain to her this odd feeling I was having (truthfully.. I thought the epi was running out and I was feeling the contractions.. I did not want to feel that pain and was ready to ask for another dose of epi). She was hesitant to check me because she had just checked me less than 2 hours ago ans was worried of the risk of infections. I requested her to please check for some assurance. When she lifted the sheet she jumped up and scream.. 'He's right there!!!' OMG.. I almost died.. I was going to have this baby without my doctor and he's not going to be ok.
1:24pm - The nurse runs out of the room screaming to call my DR and grabs another doctor to stand in the room just in case my doctor did not make it on time. She tells me not to push nor make any movements. My DH keeps telling me.. 'This is not our doctor.. where the hell is out doctor?!?!?'...
1:29pm - Thank God my doctor comes running in and gets to work. It was amazing how quick he was dressed, prepped the table and coached me on what to due.
1:32pm - I start pushing.. three pushes later my son was born at 1:36pm weighing 8 pounds 7 ounces at 20 1/2 centimeters. He was so alert and cried for two seconds and then just looked at my Husband and me. Amazing, the best moment of my life.
I had an episiotomy because my hemorrhoids were out to the point my doctor did not want for me to push as much to make the situation worst. My recovery has been challenging due to the hemorrhoids, I had a thromboses Hemorrhoid and went to the rectal surgeon to have it removed but he did not recommend removing it since I have had this procedure done in the past, and prescribed new antibiotic. Two weeks later I can finally sit straight without any pain and my doughnut pillow.
LO almost had to stay in the nursery because of the Billy Rubin due to our blood types not being compatible. The pediatrician told us on our last day of the hospital he was border line but will be able to go home, just to make sure he had sun baths, feed and pooped enough to fight any my blood.
BF was difficult in the first few days, because I was not able to sit due to the hemorrhoids and the only position LO was only able to latch was when we were both laying down. When we arrived home I started pumping to supplement while I recover and now he is back on the breast.
Here are a few pictures...
The day before going into labor -
2 Weeks old -
1 Month & 1 Week -
Thank you for all of those who have wished us well through out my pregnancy. Please never give up, always keep your head up and stay positive. I wish the best to all of those that are TTC.
Lots of love,
Flora Bud
Here is my birth story -
Monday 2/14, I had my 39 week appointment and I was 4 centimeters dilated. My Dr stripped my membranes and asked me if I would like to be induced that afternoon or first thing in the morning. Since I knew induction would take a long time I choose to be induced first thing the next morning so that I was able to go home to pack up any last minute things and rest.
Tuesday 2/15, We checked into the hospital at 7am and was in our room and hooked up to the IV's with pitocin by 8:30am.
10:40am - the nurse checked me and I was a little over 5 cm dilated. The contractions were not as painful as I thought but I requested the Epidural just in case the intensified or it was too late to request it (I am so glad I did this).
11:45am - my doctor came to check my progress and break my water. This was the oddest feeling ever... I felt as if I had the Niagara Falls coming down my leg, I can not image my water breaking at home.. I would have freaked out!!! My Contractions were slowing down from 4 minutes apart to 6 minutes apart. My doctor estimated he would be here by 2.
12pm - The cafeteria opened to I told my DH to go grab some lunch since my contractions were slowing down and this would probably take some time. He left with my cousins and I took the opportunity and rested.
1:05pm - I was on skype with my sister and feeling a little pressure and this odd feeling that the baby was pushing and trying to get out of my butt (odd explanation).
1:15pm - The nurse comes in to check on my contractions and I explain to her this odd feeling I was having (truthfully.. I thought the epi was running out and I was feeling the contractions.. I did not want to feel that pain and was ready to ask for another dose of epi). She was hesitant to check me because she had just checked me less than 2 hours ago ans was worried of the risk of infections. I requested her to please check for some assurance. When she lifted the sheet she jumped up and scream.. 'He's right there!!!' OMG.. I almost died.. I was going to have this baby without my doctor and he's not going to be ok.
1:24pm - The nurse runs out of the room screaming to call my DR and grabs another doctor to stand in the room just in case my doctor did not make it on time. She tells me not to push nor make any movements. My DH keeps telling me.. 'This is not our doctor.. where the hell is out doctor?!?!?'...
1:29pm - Thank God my doctor comes running in and gets to work. It was amazing how quick he was dressed, prepped the table and coached me on what to due.
1:32pm - I start pushing.. three pushes later my son was born at 1:36pm weighing 8 pounds 7 ounces at 20 1/2 centimeters. He was so alert and cried for two seconds and then just looked at my Husband and me. Amazing, the best moment of my life.
I had an episiotomy because my hemorrhoids were out to the point my doctor did not want for me to push as much to make the situation worst. My recovery has been challenging due to the hemorrhoids, I had a thromboses Hemorrhoid and went to the rectal surgeon to have it removed but he did not recommend removing it since I have had this procedure done in the past, and prescribed new antibiotic. Two weeks later I can finally sit straight without any pain and my doughnut pillow.
LO almost had to stay in the nursery because of the Billy Rubin due to our blood types not being compatible. The pediatrician told us on our last day of the hospital he was border line but will be able to go home, just to make sure he had sun baths, feed and pooped enough to fight any my blood.
BF was difficult in the first few days, because I was not able to sit due to the hemorrhoids and the only position LO was only able to latch was when we were both laying down. When we arrived home I started pumping to supplement while I recover and now he is back on the breast.
Here are a few pictures...
The day before going into labor -
2 Weeks old -
1 Month & 1 Week -
Thank you for all of those who have wished us well through out my pregnancy. Please never give up, always keep your head up and stay positive. I wish the best to all of those that are TTC.
Lots of love,
Flora Bud
March 19, 2011
Some Things Change You
Sorry to be Debbie Downer, but I wanted to get these feelings out there. I figure by doing so, perhaps someone else who has experienced similar will feel some comfort in not being alone.
Once you've beaten the odds to lose a pregnancy, once you've become one of the 'others' that such things happen to...it changes you. The innocence of pregnancy is gone. You know what it feels like to have a miscarriage. You know what its like to have your dreams come crashing down around you. To feel like you've failed everyone, especially your child. You know what its like to feel more broken than you ever imagined. You know what the dreaded cramps and bleeding combo are like, or maybe you know what to expect with a D&C. You might even know what its like to lay on the u/s table and have the tech look at you with sad eyes and tell you the baby is not alive. The heartbreak is something that is indescribable.
It changes how TTC feels too, at least it did for me. Getting AF was hard before, but after the loss it was a stake through the heart. It was like hitting reset, sending me back to zero...when I was supposed to be at 8 or 12 (or however many) weeks. Every time she showed up it was another glaring reminder of what I'd lost.
And then I got pregnant again. I had no idea how scary those first 6 weeks would be (my loss was at 5+). I had thought that if I could just get pregnant again that things would be fine. The mix of excitement, fear, anxiety and hope in those first few weeks is palpable. Its eased some since the symptoms started to settle in a little more, but its still there. I find myself being somewhat detached from this pregnancy. I'm trying to enjoy it and take it all in, but I honestly don't believe yet that I might actually have a baby in my arms come October. When I discuss it in real life, its usually "If this one sticks..." or "If we're lucky enough to have this work out..". Always with the IF. I realize its a protective mechanism. I want this pregnancy to work out more than anything. I even say a little prayer each night that the little bugger is growing healthy and strong and thanking it for staying put for one more day.
I haven't grieved much for my loss in a few months. Been caught up with TTC and then with being pregnant. I had a moment this past week where it really hit me though. I was walking the dog and was feeling pretty good for the first time in weeks and the thought occurred to me that I was getting into the homestretch of 1st Tri. Then it hit me, my loss EDD and my current EDD are almost exactly a trimester apart. If I'm nearing the end of 1st Tri with this pregnancy, my previous pregnancy would have been approaching 3rd Tri. I'd be feeling the kicking and know if it were boy or girl. Cue waterworks.
I've also had a spotting scare this past week. One involving bright red blood and my pacing around the bathroom while hyperventilating and saying, "No, no, no! This can't be happening. Not again." Scared just doesn't do that moment justice. Thankfully the spotting soon tapered off to brown and involved no cramping. At this point, its being attributed to my cervix being irritated the evening before. In the moment though, I was having flashbacks to November. Last time blood that red meant really bad things.
Once you've beaten the odds to lose a pregnancy, once you've become one of the 'others' that such things happen to...it changes you. The innocence of pregnancy is gone. You know what it feels like to have a miscarriage. You know what its like to have your dreams come crashing down around you. To feel like you've failed everyone, especially your child. You know what its like to feel more broken than you ever imagined. You know what the dreaded cramps and bleeding combo are like, or maybe you know what to expect with a D&C. You might even know what its like to lay on the u/s table and have the tech look at you with sad eyes and tell you the baby is not alive. The heartbreak is something that is indescribable.
It changes how TTC feels too, at least it did for me. Getting AF was hard before, but after the loss it was a stake through the heart. It was like hitting reset, sending me back to zero...when I was supposed to be at 8 or 12 (or however many) weeks. Every time she showed up it was another glaring reminder of what I'd lost.
And then I got pregnant again. I had no idea how scary those first 6 weeks would be (my loss was at 5+). I had thought that if I could just get pregnant again that things would be fine. The mix of excitement, fear, anxiety and hope in those first few weeks is palpable. Its eased some since the symptoms started to settle in a little more, but its still there. I find myself being somewhat detached from this pregnancy. I'm trying to enjoy it and take it all in, but I honestly don't believe yet that I might actually have a baby in my arms come October. When I discuss it in real life, its usually "If this one sticks..." or "If we're lucky enough to have this work out..". Always with the IF. I realize its a protective mechanism. I want this pregnancy to work out more than anything. I even say a little prayer each night that the little bugger is growing healthy and strong and thanking it for staying put for one more day.
I haven't grieved much for my loss in a few months. Been caught up with TTC and then with being pregnant. I had a moment this past week where it really hit me though. I was walking the dog and was feeling pretty good for the first time in weeks and the thought occurred to me that I was getting into the homestretch of 1st Tri. Then it hit me, my loss EDD and my current EDD are almost exactly a trimester apart. If I'm nearing the end of 1st Tri with this pregnancy, my previous pregnancy would have been approaching 3rd Tri. I'd be feeling the kicking and know if it were boy or girl. Cue waterworks.
I've also had a spotting scare this past week. One involving bright red blood and my pacing around the bathroom while hyperventilating and saying, "No, no, no! This can't be happening. Not again." Scared just doesn't do that moment justice. Thankfully the spotting soon tapered off to brown and involved no cramping. At this point, its being attributed to my cervix being irritated the evening before. In the moment though, I was having flashbacks to November. Last time blood that red meant really bad things.
February 16, 2011
Final Medical Update/Follow-Up
I called the Doctor's office to follow up on yesterday's appointment and blood work. I found out that I am A positive (yay! No RhoGAM shot) and that my HCG level was at 1... Good news, I guess.
When I get out of work, I will pick up my prescription to help the process along a bit, so we can put this past us... At least one can hope :-/
Still, it's even hard to put something like this behind you when TheBump and BabyCenter keep sending e-mails about the progress of my pregnancy (which no longer exists), even though I updated my account to show no due date :-/ going to have to look at that again and make sure it has been changed correctly.
Thanks for the continued prayers and support, ladies! I really appreciate it :)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
When I get out of work, I will pick up my prescription to help the process along a bit, so we can put this past us... At least one can hope :-/
Still, it's even hard to put something like this behind you when TheBump and BabyCenter keep sending e-mails about the progress of my pregnancy (which no longer exists), even though I updated my account to show no due date :-/ going to have to look at that again and make sure it has been changed correctly.
Thanks for the continued prayers and support, ladies! I really appreciate it :)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
February 15, 2011
Follow-up with OB/GYN
So after yesterdays tragedy (there really is no other way to put it in my eyes) I had a follow-up appointment with my Doctor. Mr. DBud accompanied me to the appointment for moral support, and so we can both get all the facts. She checked me out and saw that my cervix was perfectly closed up, and the bleeding wasn't too profuse. I actually haven't even passed much tissue, to tell you the truth - a bit TMI, but c'mon, it's a sit about TTC and birthin' babies for chrissake! ;) ;) ;)
Anyway, so we chatted a bit about what may have happened, etc. I mentioned
my first tests that I took the week before and how faint the results were, and we also discussed all the symptoms I felt leading up to the actual miscarriage. She predicted, based on my symptoms and tests, that one of 2 things may have occured... I may have had a Chemical Pregnancy or a Blighted Ovum. Either way, it was definitely a miscarriage, so I am officially going to fall under the "TTC after a Loss" category, and have to wait 4-6 weeks for everything to get cleaned up down there and for AF to show her ugly face before we can think of TTCing again. My Doc gave me a prescription for a pill that will help flush me out (I forgot the name of it right now, and already dropped off the prescription), but said I may not need to take the full 9-days. She also told me not to continue taking it if I felt that it was making me cramp too much and not too much blood was coming out. She also sent for some blood work to find out my blood type (yup, it has taken me 28 years to find that out...), so if I am RH Negative, I'll need to get the RhoGAM shot. But, the part that really sucks now is NO SEX for about 4 weeks... BLAH!!!! Me. not. happy. Mr. DBud. not. happy. either. It would've been nice if we could've "relieved some stress". Oh well...
I started wondering why this happened to us the way it did, and I can't help but wonder... being Catholic and having strong beliefs in God... did he do this because he wanted me to know that it IS possible for me to get pregnant, but that right now is not a good time? I mean, I have a big audition coming up i
n three weeks, so who knows? Maybe HE wants me to do that first... But one thing is for sure... having to wait until at least April to TTC again gives us time for things to happen, especially giving me time to see where my Opera career is headed (because of the big audition). I am glad to know I was able to conceive without much help, and hope that next time I have a sticky baby to take home in 9 months...
So, for now, I am not going anywhere. I will continue to post here and there, letting you know what's up. But I am sure my TTC Journey won't be very eventful until AF shows up, signaling a new cycle. In the meantime, tons of luck and baby dust to all my Buds and all the readers!!!!! I love you all, and am so glad you can all be part of this journey with us :)
February 14, 2011
It's over :(
Well, we just got home from the Hospital, and the news is not good... We officially miscarried. Happy Valentine's Day to us. :-/
After experiencing the spotting yesterday, I kept a close watch on my vaginal discharge. At around 5:20pm today, I noticed some heavier, brighter red, bleeding, accompanied by some brown clots. Of course, I freaked out and called my Doctor... She advised me to go to the ER. I got home and was accompanied by Mr. DBud to the hospital.
The end result? My cervix was closed shut, but it was full of older blood. They ran, not one but two betas and both came up negative. Conclusion? Brief miscarriage.
I spoke to my Doc on the phone again after leaving, and agreed to see her tomorrow afternoon for a check up, so she can take a look for herself and we can discuss everything.
I am absolutely heartbroken... I have cried and cried. I just want to bury my head in the backyard and stay there... But thanks to Mr. DBud, I don't need to. He stood by me the entire time, and was truly my rock. I don't know what I would do without him. I guess Valentine's Day for me this year was about truly seeing what I have next to me in a whole new light... And boy, am I lucky.
I will be posting another update tomorrow after meeting with the Doc... Until next time! Keeping my chin up :)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
After experiencing the spotting yesterday, I kept a close watch on my vaginal discharge. At around 5:20pm today, I noticed some heavier, brighter red, bleeding, accompanied by some brown clots. Of course, I freaked out and called my Doctor... She advised me to go to the ER. I got home and was accompanied by Mr. DBud to the hospital.
The end result? My cervix was closed shut, but it was full of older blood. They ran, not one but two betas and both came up negative. Conclusion? Brief miscarriage.
I spoke to my Doc on the phone again after leaving, and agreed to see her tomorrow afternoon for a check up, so she can take a look for herself and we can discuss everything.
I am absolutely heartbroken... I have cried and cried. I just want to bury my head in the backyard and stay there... But thanks to Mr. DBud, I don't need to. He stood by me the entire time, and was truly my rock. I don't know what I would do without him. I guess Valentine's Day for me this year was about truly seeing what I have next to me in a whole new light... And boy, am I lucky.
I will be posting another update tomorrow after meeting with the Doc... Until next time! Keeping my chin up :)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
January 27, 2011
Introducing Cactus Bud!
Hi Everyone,
I'm happy to be a part of Bloomin' Babies as I think it's a great idea to show the different paths we follow on the road to becoming a parent.
I'm Cactus Bud, chosen because I'm a recent transplant to Southern California. No shortage of cacti out here! I'm here in California courtesy of Mr. Cactus Buds job with the military. Before moving here, we lived in Virginia, but we're both from New England originally. We knew each other in high school, but were just friends. We started dating around the time of our 10 year reunion. We've been together more than 5 years now, married for about a year and a half of that. As you probably gathered from the numbers I just mentioned, we're in our mid-thirties, which is adding to our desire to start our family sooner rather than later.
I guess our TTC journey began in December 2009 when I went off the pill. Within weeks of that the military sent Mr. Cactus Bud went on a little trip which ultimately led to us living apart for upwards of 8 months. I used the time apart to learn how to chart and to let my body acclimate from coming off the pill. Thankfully my body adjusted to being off the pill quickly, becoming relatively predictable (avg ~29 days) within a couple months. We were reunited in September 2010, and that's where our TTC journey began in earnest.
We got our first BFP at the end of our second cycle trying (November 2010). I hadn't really been charting that month and was pretty surprised as I didn't think we'd timed things well at all. About a week after the BFP, near the 5 week point in the pregnancy, I had a miscarriage. I'm sure I'll discuss the loss more in a future post, so for now I'll just say it was a heart wrenching experience that I hope nobody reading this ever has to have.
I'm currently in the midst of my second cycle TTC after a loss and am finding it a much different experience mentally than before the loss.
I'm looking forward to sharing this journey with you all.
Take care,
I'm happy to be a part of Bloomin' Babies as I think it's a great idea to show the different paths we follow on the road to becoming a parent.
I'm Cactus Bud, chosen because I'm a recent transplant to Southern California. No shortage of cacti out here! I'm here in California courtesy of Mr. Cactus Buds job with the military. Before moving here, we lived in Virginia, but we're both from New England originally. We knew each other in high school, but were just friends. We started dating around the time of our 10 year reunion. We've been together more than 5 years now, married for about a year and a half of that. As you probably gathered from the numbers I just mentioned, we're in our mid-thirties, which is adding to our desire to start our family sooner rather than later.
I guess our TTC journey began in December 2009 when I went off the pill. Within weeks of that the military sent Mr. Cactus Bud went on a little trip which ultimately led to us living apart for upwards of 8 months. I used the time apart to learn how to chart and to let my body acclimate from coming off the pill. Thankfully my body adjusted to being off the pill quickly, becoming relatively predictable (avg ~29 days) within a couple months. We were reunited in September 2010, and that's where our TTC journey began in earnest.
We got our first BFP at the end of our second cycle trying (November 2010). I hadn't really been charting that month and was pretty surprised as I didn't think we'd timed things well at all. About a week after the BFP, near the 5 week point in the pregnancy, I had a miscarriage. I'm sure I'll discuss the loss more in a future post, so for now I'll just say it was a heart wrenching experience that I hope nobody reading this ever has to have.
I was very lucky in that my body miscarried both spontaneously and completely, allowing me to not need surgery and to TTC again after just one cycle. I was also lucky in that my body didn't miss a beat in getting back to a normal cycle. There have been some changes to my cycle since the loss, namely that I'm apparently ovulating a little later and have a shorter luteal phase. Its apparently pretty common for there to be such changes, and my doctor says the luteal phase length should be fine.
I'm currently in the midst of my second cycle TTC after a loss and am finding it a much different experience mentally than before the loss.
I'm looking forward to sharing this journey with you all.
Take care,
December 2, 2010
First O After M/C, Check!
I haven't been posting as much as I'd like to recently, because it's been hard for me to talk about the in-between. You know, the time in-between when I miscarried, when I felt my worst (physically and emotionally), and now, when I feel sort of better but still have some terrible moments that strike unexpectedly.
Mr. Magnolia Bud and I spent Thanksgiving weekend with my family, and had a nice weekend. Not stress-free or relaxing, by any means, but at least we were able to spend a little fun time with people who are important to us. My family lives near Chicago, so it was a chilly weekend!
Today is the first day of Hanukkah, and Mr. MB and I are using it as a new beginning. We're trying to stay positive, and are both tentatively excited about TTC again next cycle. I'm more ambivalent than he is, but as this cycle progresses, I find myself thinking ahead instead of only about what happened. We decided that even if we're going to not-not try, I'm still going to be taking Vitex and Maca Root, so that if I do get pregnant, the corpus luteum will be at its strongest and will have the progesterone it needs to survive until my body takes over. We're also excited about Maca's reputation for increased energy & libido...I haven't really had the best sex drive since the miscarriage. Poor Mr. MB!
Speaking of this cycle, it looks like I've O'd! At 3DPO I had solid crosshairs, and they've since changed to dotted...but I have a feeling it's from CM inconsistencies. I've been taking a lot of antihistamines this cycle since I had hives about two weeks ago. All of the open circles are from taking my temp too early, given all the travel we've been doing for a few weeks. I'm hoping this means my cycle will get back to "normal" in a couple of days with AF's arrival...
November 28, 2010
Getting Better
Hello, everyone. Just wanted to check in to let you all know I'm still alive.
Wow, what a depressing month it has been. But I have to admit, I am feeling better. Its probably been about a week since I have cried and I've been feeling a lot more like myself.
However, I have made the decision to go back on my antidepressants. I have been off of them for almost 2 years now because I was TTC. But right now, I need to jump back on that bandwagon. I am not myself and I am a little scared of the path I have been taking. I know the patterns and what they lead to, and it needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later.
FYI - TTC on happy pills is a no no. This is fine with me. I need some time to repair and recover both physically and emotionally. I have toyed around with getting back on BCP, but I just can't bring myself to do that yet.
Right now I'm going to focus on my diet, my emotional health and my marriage. No more obsessing about babies, miscarriages and peeing on sticks. A welcomed break.
I wanted to give a huge heart-felt thank you to all the Buds and readers here at Bloomin' Babies. The kindness and compassion you have shown to me has really touched my heart and has made me get through one of the most horrible times of my life. To the other Buds that are going through what I am, I hope you find comfort soon.
And to my dearest, darling Sunflower Bud - I am so, so happy and excited for you and wish you the happiest and healthiest 9 months anyone could have. God knows you deserve this.
Wow, what a depressing month it has been. But I have to admit, I am feeling better. Its probably been about a week since I have cried and I've been feeling a lot more like myself.
However, I have made the decision to go back on my antidepressants. I have been off of them for almost 2 years now because I was TTC. But right now, I need to jump back on that bandwagon. I am not myself and I am a little scared of the path I have been taking. I know the patterns and what they lead to, and it needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later.
FYI - TTC on happy pills is a no no. This is fine with me. I need some time to repair and recover both physically and emotionally. I have toyed around with getting back on BCP, but I just can't bring myself to do that yet.
Right now I'm going to focus on my diet, my emotional health and my marriage. No more obsessing about babies, miscarriages and peeing on sticks. A welcomed break.
I wanted to give a huge heart-felt thank you to all the Buds and readers here at Bloomin' Babies. The kindness and compassion you have shown to me has really touched my heart and has made me get through one of the most horrible times of my life. To the other Buds that are going through what I am, I hope you find comfort soon.
And to my dearest, darling Sunflower Bud - I am so, so happy and excited for you and wish you the happiest and healthiest 9 months anyone could have. God knows you deserve this.
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