My Ovaries Suck.

O - Where oh, where are you? Your inconsistent appearances makes TTC difficult. You give signs you are going to show and then don't. Positive OPKs, EWCM, and a high, soft cervix? All are signs you are on your way. But here I am on CD 27 and there's no confirmed O :( Please make up your mind and decide one way or another what you are doing. If you are coming, great. If not, stop leading me on with fertility signs.

Due to my lack of O and my promising fertility signs, Mr.PB&J and I have been having sex on a regular basis......too regular. And if I can be honest, I'm tired. Some married couples complain they don't have enough sex, I on the other hand, am complaining because I have too much sex! Mr. PB&J is worn out too. Months and months of sex will do that to a couple. Now I have to entice Mr. PB&J with bribes of back rubs and sandwiches in exchange for sex. Ha. I swore I would never let TTC take over our sex life but here we are.......here. I tease Mr. PB&J that he is living in a world of paradise. Sex everyday, followed by a back rub and a sandwich! Life is good! Hmm, maybe he's smarter than I give him credit for and he's milking sex for all it's worth?!

Haha.

Wait. Hmm??

But check out my whacked out chart. I can't make sense of it. All signs are pointing to yes, I am going to ovulate in the next few days. I hope so. But that just means more sandwich making in my future.

Until Next time,

PB&J Bud

Sex life, what sex life?

The most intimate I have been with anyone in the recent past was the nurse who completed my IUIs this weekend. To think I have had more sex with a catheter than with my husband, crazy! We have always had a relationship where I was the one who wanted the most sex, but recently I have had not desire what-so-ever. Mr. PB has been so busy that he hasn't really even tried. The whole situation is making me a little sad. Everyone always says that TTC affects your sex life and while we worked hard to time our sex, we have never gone so long without really wanting it. We both mentioned how grateful we were to have to have the IUI; that way we wouldn't have to "fit" in sex. How sad is that? Hopefully this is something that will change soon; it makes IF so much more difficult not to have this intimate connection with my husband.

As I mentioned earlier, I had my double IUIs this past weekend. I had one follicle at 22mm, so I wasn't too confident going in. However my faith dropped even more after we got Mr. PB's sperm counts for Saturday and Sunday, 9 million and 11 million post-wash respectively. After my last IUI I was making plans for how I would tell the people I wanted to tell and how I hide it from those I didn't. This cycle, I am just trying to get through it so we can start again. We have one more cycle of 50 mg clomid with a double IUI before we move on. I really wanted to try a different medication, but my RE said he likes to do 3 cycles before moving. Hopefully our numbers go up.

Beta for this cycle is Superbowl Sunday, which also happens to be my best friend's baby shower. Let's see how her family deals with the sobbing infertile. This could be fun.

Welcome to Town, Cycle 4!

Here we are. AF has come and gone, and I am ready to start over. HUZZAH!

I'm telling myself to feel optimistic about this cycle for a few reasons. Number one being that I have cleared the requisite three cycles post-BCP that it should take for my body to regulate. Never mind that my body has never been what one might call regular. Details, that's what they are, and hardly ones worth mentioning.

Secondly, my Mother is thoroughly convinced that this is TOTALLY my cycle. She looked at me all serious-like the other night and said "Look at me. It will happen soon." It was all very prophetic sounding, though I'm not sure what this says about my future child. Will he/she be born at the solstice and be the One?

I get that I'm grasping at straws here, but the beginning of a new cycle does this to me. After the monotonous waiting through a super long Pre-Ovulatory phase, then a freakishly long luteal phase and finally being back where I can DO something, is pretty darn exciting.

Plus, I'm totally BD-ing tonight. I guess its not really BD-ing though, if I'm still waiting to O. But seriously, it's been like a week because of AF. Unacceptable.

Hoping you love me even when I am inappropriate,

Go directly to testing, do not pass Go, do not collect $200

After only have some breast tenderness and not my normal pre-AF cramping and no holds bar bitchiness, my confidence in our work for cycle #6 was on the upward swoop. I was even beginning to think that we would actually have something to celebrate this weekend...silly rabbit. CD 10 brought a temp below my coverline (BAM) and CD 11 brought another fairly low temp even though I slept horrible (BAM) and CD 12 starting with spotting (BAM BAM). By noon, I realized that is wasn't CD 12, but really CD 1 of cycle #7. Now I know 6 months for a 26 and 25 year is not unheard of or even considered IF, but I was getting concerned. I never really had luck with OPKs. Yes there are positives in my chart, but except for one most were almost positives, an itty bitty sliver of the line may or may not have been slightly darker than the control. Also many of these "fake" positives occurred after my thermal shift. I was determined to be proactive.

I spoke to a nurse at my OB's office this morning and went through the whole explanation. I just got off the phone with my OB's recommendations. Ready for them?? I have to have CD 3 blood work tomorrow to look for FSH levels and then need CD 20 blood work to look for progesterone levels. She also wants me to continue using OPKS (even though I switched to CBEFM last month) and if/when I see a positive, we are to have sex that night and the next. Can I start tell DH I got the positive now, so we can have lots of sexy time this month??

I also outed us to my mother. I wanted to see if she wanted to go out for lunch after my bw since I will be right by her work. I basically broke down on the phone, but it felt good to tell her. I have been wanting to talk to her and get her support, but I can't help but feel like I am letting her down. I am her only child who is even considering having children and we aren't doing a very good job at it.

On that note, I am going to end this post before it morphs into a pity party. I just have to keep reminding myself:
1) a June baby is perfect for us which means conceiving in September
2) I can enjoy my friend's bachelorette party next Saturday
3) I won't be pregnant at her wedding
4) I may be able to ride all the roller coasters in Disney in August
Most importantly, 5) I am happy, financially secure and am married to my best friend.

I will update you ladies when I get the results!

Heading into another 2WW

According to FF, I am 3 dpo, but I really think I o'ed yesterday, making only 1 dpo. I had some cramping midday and my cm was drying up when I checked last night, which always happens on O days. If this is true, DH and did not do well this month and I completely and entirely blame the Celtics. DH works some nights at a hockey rink and switched days from Thursday to Wednesday so he could have game 7 off. That meant both Wednesday and Thursday there was no bding. That probably means just like Celtics, we are left without a trophy. It seems like every month something gets in the way of us really trying. I guess that is what happens with life.

I don't quite know if I will do anything different if we aren't pregnant this cycle. I am contemplating calling my OB and see if they can do anything, but I am not sure. We are still both young and definitely could wait a few more months, since a June baby would be perfect for us. I am just have this itching feeling that something is wrong. This honestly could be nothing, but the fact that things (school, dance, teaching) normally come easy for me. I am not used to struggling that much.

Oh well, I have a lot of non-baby things to look forward in the next few months. As of right now I have a day and a half left of school for the year, I am beginning a camp that I love in a week, my friend's bridal shower is next week, and her bachelorette party and wedding are in July. As much as I want to be pregnant, these events may be hard to handle with first trimester queasiness. At least, this is what I am trying to tell myself.

Well, here's to a miracle this month and I am already ready to move onto my next cycle.

No update so far!

Just cruising along on the hormone therapy. I am on 25 days of Premarin and then on days 13-25, I take Provera. I start the Provera today.

Only thing going on is I'm terrified to have sex. We are clear to have sex now and I tried and had to stop and shook like a leaf for about an hour afterward. I'm afraid of bleeding and pain. Hopefully I get over that sometime soon...

Back to the RE on July 15 for my followup and discuss what our TTC course of action will be now. Hopefully it won't involve anymore surgeries!

Sarcastic Bud In The House....Errr, Garden

Hello everyone, Sarcastic Bud here, and I'm super excited to join the Bloomin Babies Garden. Since this is my very first post, I wanted to give you lovely ladies a background on my TTC adventure.

My journey started in November 2008 when Mr. SB and I decided to ditch the BCP and switched to TTC on our honeymoon. We were both so excited and totally ready to have a baby - until my arch nemeses, Auth Flo decided to skip town - and it wasn't because I was pregnant. Well, she didn't exactly skip town, as much as she would show unexpectedly and demand to be accommodated. Mr. SB and I had previously decided to wait one year until we would talk to our doctors about our TTC woes, but we knew something was wrong and that it had to be addressed.

I was diagnosed with PCOS in June of 2009 and given the drug Provera to stop a visit from Aunt Flo that had lasted for over three weeks (Worst. Houseguest. Ever.).

The next month I showed signs of fertility and we were so happy. I began to think that maybe the Provera was all that my body needed to kick my ovaries back into gear! We did the Wild Monkey Dance when we thought we were supposed to and waited.....until Aunt Flo decided to crash the party a few weeks later (I imagine that in real life, Aunt Flo is the type of party crasher that would steal your toilet paper and draw obscene pictures on your face while your asleep). Although we were disappointed, we started to see a light at the seemingly never ending TTC tunnel.

The next month the same thing happened. Signs of fertility, Wild Monkey Dance, 2WW. Except AF decided not to pay a visit that month. I wanted to think I was pregnant, but because my cycle was so irregular, I didn't want to get my hopes up. Until the day when I bought a pregnancy test.......and 2 lines appeared. Mr. SB and I were over the moon! We thought that our wait was finally over and that we were finally going to be able to have our dreams fulfilled....we were going to be parents.

Then the bleeding started at 6 weeks. I miscarried.

I cannot even put into words what I felt during that time. I felt like someone had yanked my heart out of my chest, stomped on it, and then roundhouse kicked it Chuck Norris style around the tri-state area. I spent the next 2 months in a whirlwind of emotions. Sad, angry, defeated.

Mr. SB was my rock, the best support system I could have ever asked for. We reveled in the fact that, at least, we still had each other - which I now know was my saving grace. We found strength in our love for each other.

We waited one cycle and after that, decided to try again. I remember sitting at my parents' house on Christmas and feeling that ever familiar sharp pain in my lower abdomen. I feared the worse, and even though I knew it was early, when I got home that evening I immediately took a pregnancy test.....which was negative. I let out a huge sigh of relief and tried to put it out of my mind.

A few days later I started spotting. Still fearing the worse, I took another test. Negative. Once again, relief swept over me.

Until 2 days after that when I started to bleed again. I knew this pattern, and my heart sank. Taking a pregnancy test for the third time confirmed my fear - I was pregnant and was losing my baby, once again. Blood tests from my doctor's office confirmed this, and at that moment, I think I forgot to breathe. I couldn't believe that we had to go through this again.

Except this time, I refuse to be defeated. I know that if I want to achieve my dream of becoming a mother, I will have to fight for it. After checking out a few RE's (against my regular OB's unwarranted advice. In her words, "Only two miscarriages? I think we should try one more time." Haha - right Lady), I found one that was perfect for me. Was he a "Warm Fuzzy"? No, which is pretty awesome being that I am the type of person where any unnecessary touching makes me want to recoil in disgust (yes, I'm a hug hater, respect the personal bubble). Did he know his shit? Absolutely. I picked him.

After our initial consultation, he decided to put me on Clomid. My saline ultrasound came back perfect (besides the polycystic ovaries), and right at this moment I am on my first round of 50 mg Clomid, with minimal side effects (Have I woken up in the middle of the night sweating like a fat kid chasing M&Ms? Yes, but that's what I consider minimal).

I am ready for this, I am ready to try again.

Big Fat Negative

Well, another cycle down, another disappointment.

I'm going to apologize in advance for the depressing tone of this post. If you want to be happy and blissful, please stop reading now.

I promise I'm not this depressed/resentful/jealous/psychotic all the time. Really, I'm not.

Things have just been hard lately. And they're only going to get harder.

You see, I know the reason that I'm not pregnant: We only had sex THREE times this last month. And we only had sex those three times because I insisted on it.

My husband told me last night that he doesn't want me. That he doesn't want to have sex.

It's not a physical issue. I won't get into details, but the three times we did have sex, there was no problem.

And I'm just so confused.

We talked about having a baby, he said he wanted to. That he wanted to have a family with me. But now, it's like he's sabotaging that plan, like he's trying his very best to not make it happen.

Now, I know that I married a nerd. And I mean a socially-awkward-walks-around-with-his-fly-down-all-the-time-and-doesn't-realize-it nerd.

So, after we decided to give this a go, I told him exactly what I needed from him: "Babe, I need you to take initiative and try to have sex with me on a regular basis. It doesn't have to be every day or even every other day. I just need to feel like you really want to do this. I want to feel like you want me."

Man, it totally sounds like I'm just whining. But I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. How can a man not want his wife? How can he say he loves her, but not want to hold her? How can he sleep in the same bed with her night after night and not want to touch her?

It feels like he's not ready to have a baby and I don't want this to be something that I make him do. I feel so lost. He's telling me one thing: "I love you and I want to have a family with you," and doing another. Do I trust his actions or his words?

I want to go see a therapist. I just don't think I can handle this stuff on my own. I've never done that before, so that will be a new experience.

Sorry to be such a downer again. Hope everyone is doing well and feeling those baby flutters!

Taking the Next Step

It's funny how once you want to have a baby and are actively TTC all those signals your body was giving you before, that you just ignored, are now flashing at you like a neon sign in Las Vegas. Who knew ovulation pain could be so significant? Man my ovaries were trying to tell me something the past 48 hours. You better believe Mr.Travel Bud and I acted on that sign.

I'm trying to be more proactive than that, though. Even though my cycles have been like clockwork the past 7 months I don't trust the thought of my O-date always being the same. It would be normal if you had a 28 day cycle to ovulate on the CD14 but I just don't trust it. Like this month I felt O-pain on the right side on Sunday and then on the left side yesterday. I want to get this timing thing down as best as possible so I bought OPKs at Walgreens yesterday. When I went home to test it wasn't quite positive yet but we BD'd anyway but I'm hoping today I get the full green light and then we'll BD again tonight. :)

More and more each day I just think about being a Mom and how I feel it's just something that will come so naturally to me. I know that might sound kind of dumb. But sometimes I feel that women were designed to be mothers. There's just this connection that I feel whenever I hold a baby and when people I know see me interacting with a baby, they always comment that I look like such a natural.

My ute is dying to have a baby inside. I can just tell. Everyone at my work is nagging me about the fact that I need to have the next baby. I'm working on it ladies, I'm working on it. Hopefully this cycle is successful.

This baby is a work in progress.

Houston, We Have a Problem!

Well folks, this is my TMI post of the week, so forgive me for over-sharing.

In my attempts to analyze my charts more thoroughly and figure out what the heck is going on with my O date, or lack there-of, I started to examine all of the additional signs I had been charting, and came to one very astounding conclusion that caused a light-bulb to go off in this little noggin' of mine: Based on my past charts, I totally get the farts right around the time I O! SERIOUSLY??? For now, we are TTA, so I don't care and can avoid BD'ing on my "less pleasant" days, but the thought of farty sex really really upsets me. I need a solution, pronto! I may just have to hang my head in shame and hope that I can avoid the awkward teenage boy in the checkout lane when I go to purchase my Gas-X. :( Two thumbs down. I am already mortified.

Waiting to Ovulate Pretty Much Sucks.

It's been said before that waiting to "O" is just annoying. I have to agree. When we were TTA, it was "when do I ovulate so that we can do what is necessary to avoid?" Now it is "when do I ovulate so that we can do what is necessary to make a baby?" That last thought is a lot more stressful than the first. You want to make sure you do everything right - eat right, sleep right, fornicate right, EVERYTHING needs to be just so.

However, I will say that charting is really something I enjoy. I enjoy knowing exactly what is going on with me. I enjoy seeing my chart fluctuate and give me signs. I enjoy knowing that my body does some weird things.

It's funny what us girls go through to make a baby and what guys don't go through. Women who TTC methodically have to make sure to temp and chart correctly. We have to make sure to have sex on the correct days and time everything just right. What do men have to do? SEX, that's what they have to do. If your husband is anything like mine, he really ejoys sex-anytime, anyday, anywhere, so this is no big deal to him. He is really lucking out that we are TTC because he is getting so much that he doesn't know what to do with himself (TMI, sorry).

Don't get me wrong, I am NOT complaining by any means. I am so excited at the thought of TTC and the idea that I could possible get pregnant this cycle. I really enjoy sex with Mr. SB and I really try hard to not think about sex as a "deposit" and to think of it as sex with my wonderful husband.

I am on cycle day 9, so I guess sometime within the next week or so I will be ovulating. I guess, anyways. Maybe? Oh hell I don't know. Ugh, why is TTC so complicated?

Does Everyone Feel This Way?

Image Source
So, this week has been our first bedroom adventures without the added protection of Mr. Rubber Bubber.... (LOL! I just cracked myself up with that one!) ....EVER! I don't know if I even thought about the difference I would feel. Not talking about the actually physical feelings, just the emotional ones! I love Mr. Brainy Bud and sex went off as normal, but laying there afterwards....well, I had a thousand and one things run through my mind that it was difficult to sleep.

"Why didn't I think to get a towel previously?"
"I'm already nervous about being pregnant, what was I thinking?"
"How will I feel if I become pregnant?"
"Will my family be happy or concerned when they find out?"
"How does Mr. BrainyBud feel about all of this? I wonder what he's thinking?"
"Is it supposed to feel this iky?"

And I could go on, and on, and on, but these are the honest thoughts that ran through my head! I have to keep telling myself that I have to go through this to get that wonderful baby we've planned so hard for. I just hope that these "feelings" get better to understand, even if I cannot handle them.

I have to ask... Does everyone feel this way?


Faith, Love, and Baby Flutters
Mrs. Brainy Bud

1st Time Sex

Well you ladies are really going to give me some crap for this one... I haven't admitted it to anyone but Mr. GB (who's been less than pleased).

But yes, it took 11 weeks for the 1st time to have sex while pregnant. Ok that's not entirely true - there were a few times before we found out we were KU where we did the baby dance - however it's been a long 6 week dry spell since we got those 5 positive HPT's.


I'm crazy right? I've read web sites, I've asked friends, and Mr. GB even asked Dr. C at our consultation appointment - all confirmed it's OK to have sex while you are KU!

I don't think my problem was only with the fact that I was nervous. While I wasn't having any morning sickness, I still wasn't feeling myself. I felt bloated and I was tired. I just wasn't in the mood.

Anyway, last night Mr. GB had HAD it... it was go time. So even though I'd already went to bed an hour before him, I was still awake when he came into the room. He put on his best moves and got the deed done. Sorry if that's TMI but it was great! It was like the 1st time all over again and we've been together for almost 9 years.



Now that that's out of the way... on to 2nd trimester sex! I've heard it's fabulous! :-)