Two lines.

I never, in my life, thought I would see two lines on a pregnancy test.  I thought it wasn't in the cards for me.  We never took a HPT when we did our fresh IVF cycle last fall.  I knew there was a risk of getting a false positive, so we waited for my beta.

This time, though.  I couldn't wait.  I took my first HPT on Friday, April 27th as soon as I woke up.  I didn't even tell Mr. Bossy I was going to do it.  Like I said-  I'm a chicken.  This is what I saw.

I couldn't believe my eyes.  I began shaking and before I knew it, I was sobbing. I scared Mr. Bossy half to death when I stood next to the shower holding out my positive pregnancy test.  He thought something was wrong.  Boy, was he ever wrong.

We spent the weekend doing fun activities; all the while knowing that my beta was on Monday. We kept our secret under wraps.  We didn't want to spill the beans before family knew, and we had also decided that we would not share our good news with as many people this time.  Just to be on the safe side.

I bought picture frames and typed up this little poem to put inside:

Next January-
In this place
You can a picture
of your
grandchild's face!

We presented my mother with hers on Saturday night (my dad was already in bed due to working early the next morning).  She knew my beta was on Monday, but I wanted to surprise her in a fun way.  She didn't even have the wrapping paper completely off before a smile spread across her face.  She was totally shocked!  I put the frame next to my dad's sink so that he would see it first thing in the morning when he woke to shower and brush his teeth.

We gave Mr. Bossy's mom her frame on Sunday when she stopped by to visit.  Her reaction was-  What does this mean?  I politely told her to infer (she can act really stupid at times), and she was able to figure it out.

I decided to take my second HPT this morning before I left for my RE's office.  Even after Friday's positive result, I was still scared to death.  I kept telling myself over the weekend that maybe that stick was telling a lie!

This is what I saw:

The vertical positive line had gotten darker!!! 

My nurse notified me earlier today that my beta is 319.  I return on Wednesday for my second one.  We're being cautiously optimistic.  We sure hope this little one sticks around for the next 9 months!

Please pray for a good, strong number on Wednesday. :)

Bossy Bud

The itch.

Today is 7dp5dt, and I'm itching to take a HPT.  I know, I know.  It's still too early.  I've done ALL of the reading online.  Most sites say 9dpt is long enough to detect HCG, but I frequent the infertility board on thebump and a woman got a BFP on 6dp5dt.  I'm losing my mind.

I have two tests waiting for me underneath the bathroom sink.  They are literally calling my name.  We didn't do a HPT with our fresh cycle last fall because my trigger (lupron) contained HCG and could give me a false positive.  Also, I was too chicken.  This time, though, it was a FET, so my RE said I could test before my beta.  I just don't know.  I keep preparing myself for a negative, but I'm still praying for a positive.

I've also been comparing this cycle to the last one.  I did have cramping during our fresh cycle.  In fact, I remember crying in our bed while Mr. Bossy held me.  I was convinced it hadn't worked and the cramps were AF.  I was obviously wrong.

I have had some mild cramping here and there, but nothing like last time.  I have to continuously reassure myself that it doesn't mean it didn't work.

Do I hold out until Monday for my beta, or do I take a HPT beforehand?

Hi-  My name is Bossy Bud and I'm scared sh*tless.

 

                Bossy Bud

Embies on Board!

Today was our FET!

Since my darling 3rd graders have FCAT testing this week, I went in to work this morning to administer the test. I left immediately after, and Mr. Bossy & I drove to the clinic.

There are 4 REs at the clinic, and they all have an assigned IVF day. My RE is not the IVF doctor on Wednesday, but the clinic's founding doctor is. He's old enough to my grandfather and super nice. He actually did the transfer for our fresh cycle last fall.

To make a long story short, I guzzled water all the way to the clinic so that I would have a full bladder for the ultrasound, and they sent me straight into the operating room. We transferred two (a 4BB blastocyst and a morula) embryos. The RE called the 4BB a "beauty." The RE was really funny, and he kept the mood light while I had my legs up in the air. I reminded him that he had done my fresh transfer, which was successful (even though it resulted in a miscarriage), so I knew that this transfer would also work. It just had to. He laughed and agreed with me. I was able to watch the spectrum being inserted and saw the embryos release into my uterus. As soon as he released them, he said- "That's it! You're pregnant." That got a good laugh out of me.

Mr. Bossy treated me to Cheesecake Factory for lunch on the way home. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with my couch for the next 5 days. :)

Here are our two little rockstars!! (Please excuse the blue sticky note. I used it to cover up my name)

















Bossy Bud

A Sock Story.

I'm not superstitious. At all. I am; however, a firm believer in doing things that make you happy.

When we began our IVF journey last summer, friends and family were very supportive. They shared words of encouragement and prayed, but they didn't know what else to do for us.

I shared a story with my girlfriends about a woman who had asked her friends to buy her a pair of silly, fun socks to wear to her appointments while she underwent fertility treatments. I loved the idea, so I asked my girlfriends if they would be willing to do the same for me. I figured if I had to have my feet up in the air, I (the nurses & doctors) may as well be a little entertained.

I was amazed at the number of friends that immediately gave me a pair of socks (my BFF gave me two), and it immediately became a "must" to wear a different pair each time. I've received lots of comments from the nurses and my doctor about the socks. Mr. Bossy even joined the fun and gave me a new pair in my stocking at Christmas and one in my Easter Basket yesterday!

I recently read online that the actor who plays Dr. Spencer Reed in Criminal Minds wear mismatched socks for luck in real life. I'm definitely doing this on Friday and for our transfer.
I figure we can use all the luck we can get!

Tomorrow, Tomorrow.....

It's only a day away!!

I jinxed myself in my last blog when I wrote that the first week on BCPs flew by because the second week took F-O-R-E-V-E-R.

Tomorrow I'll return to my RE to see if my BCPs have shrunk the cyst. It needs to be less than 12 mm for us to proceed safely. I'm so scared and anxious. Mr. Bossy & I have waited to move on since December, and I'm not a very patient person.

My nephew will be making his debut in a couple of weeks. My SIL told me yesterday that she'll probably be induced the week after Easter since he's getting bigger and she has such a small frame. It's funny how two months ago, I was super excited about being an aunt. I was getting used to the situation. Still extremely jealous, but getting more and more excited. I spoke with my SIL about our FET plans, and she couldn't have cared less. That broke my heart. With our "bump in the road", I've noticed myself slipping back to my old feelings. I feel like things are just not working out for Mr. Bossy and I, and I often throw myself a pity party.

Something else I've noticed about myself is I'm no longer as open about our infertility and doctor business with family and friends. I never told the world, but I shared with certain people. Recently, I've been keeping pretty quiet. I figure if people want to know, then they'll ask.

I'm going to close this blog with a song that I know we can all relate to. Grab some tissues.






Bossy Bud

Sittin' Tight.

Not much to say....


I've been on my new BCPs for a week now. Thankfully, this past week flew by!! I'm really hoping that this next one does the same.

I return to my RE's office on April 2nd to see if the cyst has shrunk. Until then, I've been keeping busy with projects around the house. I LOVE Piterest! Is anyone else as addicted as I am? :)




Bossy Bud

A bump in the road.

AF finally showed her face Friday afternoon. I've been on Spring Break this past week, and all I've done is wait and pray for her to come. I had three tentative appointments (Monday, Wednesday, & Friday), but I couldn't go to any of them because she hadn't arrived.

I almost cried tears of happiness when I saw red on the toilet paper. I called Mr. Bossy and my mom to tell them the good news. I was so excited to finally get the ball rolling. We had waited 3 months to do our FET. I phoned my nurse and she set me up for a 8:15 appointment on Saturday. I happily set the alarm clock for 6:30 am Friday night (our clinic is an hour away), put out my lucky socks (I'll explain these in another blog), and had my green outfit (Saturday was St. Patty's Day) selected. I was ready. I had to force myself to go to bed Friday night. I felt like a child on Christmas Eve.

Fast forward to Saturday morning. Mr. Bossy and I make the hour's drive to our clinic. We walk in to the clinic where I greet the receptionist with the biggest smile. We take our seats and wait to be called. They called me back for blood work first. Finding a vein in either of my arms is always a challenge for the nurses. I'm not the type that looks away when they insert the needle; I have to look. I don't mind the pinch, and it never really hurts very much. The nurse inserted the needle and MAN, did it hurt! We had to go back to the waiting room and wait to be called back for the ovary check.

The nurse called my name within a few more minutes and we were walking happily toward the examining room. She even commented on my dress, and said that it was the perfect outfit for an ultrasound. She left us in the room to get situated, I put on my socks, and waited on the table. She came back rather quickly and we began the ultrasound. She made a comment that we were looking for a nice thin lining and no cysts. I kept my eyes glued to the screen. Then I heard her say- Ohhh. My heart dropped. It didn't sound good. I looked closer at the screen and saw it. A huge, honker of a cyst. She confirmed it. She said that the doctor on call would have the final decision, but she didn't think we'd be able to proceed with the FET. I had waited 3 months for this? I must be cursed.

Mr. Bossy and I left the clinic and attempted to salvage our day. We shopped a little on the way home. I was in Hobby Lobby (one of my favorite stores!) when the nurse called me with instructions.

The bad news- I wouldn't be able to proceed with the cyst.

The good news- I have to take two more weeks of birth control pills and return on April 2nd to see if the cyst has shrunk. If it has, then I can move forward on the date and I don't have to wait for another period. The nurse also prescribed me some stronger birth control pills.

Mr. Bossy was so sweet. He said if we can wait 3 months, then what's two more weeks?! My mom was also encouraging and called this a "bump in the road." I'm still really disappointed, but I'm trying to look on the bright side. At least, I don't have to wait 3 more months...




Bossy Bud

It never hurts to ask.

It's shocking how much infertility can cost. Especially when your insurance doesn't cover it.

Mr. Bossy and I are OOP for all infertility procedures. Fortunately, my hysteroscopy was covered by insurance due to my PCOS diagnosis, and I do receive free metformin from our local grocery store's pharmacy because of their fight against diabetes. But nothing else is covered. Florida BCBS just doesn't have it in their plan.

We knew this when we began our journey, and we've been blessed with a generous family. We went with the Attain Program that works exclusively with our clinic. We paid $15,700 for four attempts (two fresh and two frozen). Meds for our first fresh cycle amounted to almost $3,000! Our RE is positive that one of our attempts will result in our take home baby.

After the d&c, Mr. Bossy and I returned to see our RE to discuss the FET protocol. As we were leaving, I spoke with the receptionist to pay for our visit (Insurance does cover for me to see a specialist. My co-pay is $40 per visit). The receptionist told me that we had a previous unpaid balance. [ I remembered receiving a statement in the mail from the clinic a few weeks prior with an amount that I didn't agree with. At the time, I called the billing department and spoke with someone in charge. She agreed that something wasn't adding up, and she would have her boss look over my account with a "fine-toothed comb."] I relayed the information to the receptionist, and she told me that the amount had become larger due to insurance not covering the entire d&c. Everything totaled to almost $500. I was livid. The receptionist was really nice, and told me that she would write a note on my account to have the billing department call me again. I did NOT pay the full amount that day. I had some calls to make.

I called my insurance company to question the amount that was not covered. I'm typically a very go-with-the-flow kind of person. I do what I'm told, and I don't rock the boat. Infertility costs have changed me entirely. I wanted to know why I owed such a large amount. A d&c is not infertility. Fertile women have miscarriages all of the time. I needed answers.

I spoke with a representative from BCBS. Now- with all of my anger, I was still able to be polite. I realize that the person on the other end of the line is not personally responsible for any mistakes that were made and being nasty to them isn't going to help the situation. I explained that I didn't understand the amount that I owed and it was more than I had expected to pay. The woman from BCBS was SO nice. As I explained our IVF and d&c, I began to cry. She completely understood, and she worked feverishly to find out why my coverage was denied. It took some time on the phone, but she agreed that insurance should have covered the entire procedure, and I should have only been charged my co-pay - $40! She submitted the claim to be re-reviewed and told me it would be about 30 business days until they made a decision. I told the representative that she was officially my new best friend!

The anesthesiologist had also charged me too much, and BCBS submitted that claim to be reprocessed. I was walking on air!

Yesterday- I received a new statement in the mail from BCBS saying that they had reprocessed my claim. I, now, only have to pay $40! When in doubt, it never hurts to ask!





Bossy Bud

Finally!!!

Aunt Flo arrived yesterday!! After cramping for almost a week, she finally showed her face. I have to admit, I was starting to wonder if we had succeeded on our own this cycle. But- she finally arrived, and I'm totally fine with it.

Now, it's time to get this show on the road! I immediately phoned my favorite nurse, and she instructed me to begin my BCPs on Thursday. I will take my last one on Thursday, March 8th. My first appointment for our FET is Monday, March 12th. I'm also supposed to begin retaking my metformin tonight. Who would have ever thought that I would be SO stinkin' excited about Aunt Flo showing AND starting BCPs?! As Mr. Bossy said to me this morning- "It's babymakin' time!"

I am also so excited for my sister buds!

Diva- I think about you every day! You've got this, girly! Sending you tons of positive vibes and sticky mojo. :)

Buckeye- I'm so glad that you were able to meet with your new RE, and you were finally given a diagnosis. What a relief you must have felt!

Curly- Glad to see you and Baby Curly are doing well! I was beginning to wonder where you've been.

Bossy Bud

Soon....

We're still waiting for AF to arrive so that we can begin our FET. According to my calendar, she should be arriving this weekend. I've been really crampy ALL week, so I think she'll be here soon. I've never been more excited for a period to come!

On a sad note, my grandpa passed away this afternoon. He was a wonderful man, and he will be greatly missed. I know he's holding our little baby in his arms right now. Thank you all for your prayers.



Bossy Bud

The proof is in the Pudding

3 +s by 12DPO can't lie! I hope this is is, and we have a little sticker...




Now, I have to think of how I'm going to surprise Mr. DBud tonight. We have plans to go out for Valentine's, so I was thinking of something cute I can do for him.,, any suggestions???

So excited :)




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

BFP?!

As per FF, I am 11DPO. I went and bought some HPTs to use tomorrow. Couldn't resist, and had to go real bad, so used one at 9pm when I got home...

2nd line or my imagination?! PLEASE discuss!!!!!

Thank god I have 4 more tests (FRER and E.P.T.)!!!!!







- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A year ago...

I can't believe it... Today marks exactly one year since I got my official BFP (on a CBED), only to miscarry 4 days later, on Valentine's. Since I don't want to commemorate something depressing on a day used to celebrate love, I thought I would stay positive, and remember the "good" which occurred a year ago, today.

Getting my official BFP was such an awesome feeling! I hope that I can relive that feeling again... In the meantime, here is a little something for those Angel Babies we have lost...

"I didn't get to feel you kick, or look into your eyes. I didn't hold you in my arms, or hear your little cry. I didn't get to see your smile, or even know your name. But, you'll always be my baby and I love you just the same."
-Summer Herbst

Here's hoping our luck changes. All of us :)




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

2WW madness!!

I HATE this part... The dreaded 2WW. With everything I have going, and with how busy I am, I still can't take my mind off of it. Especially when I enter my morning temp into FF and see a spike! I know it's too early at 7DPO, but I POAS for the heck of it. BFN, of course. I just hope that's not all I will see throughout the remainder of this cycle... Crossing my fingers for a BFP this month!!! :) :) :)



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Crosshairs! And 5DPO :)

Here we have it... An official set of crosshairs!


I am currently 5DPO :) FF seems to have my crosshairs on my 1st peak day, even though I thought they would pinpoint ovulation on CD23 (based on my temp drop and rise).

Now, we wait. I have a digital, or two, and I am waiting until at least Valentine's Day (12DPO) before I POAS. Hopefully it'll be some good news.

As of today, I feel like crap. I tossed and turned a lot last night, and woke up a bit dizzy :( I don't want to be calling in sick to work, so I bit the bullet and came in. Thankfully, Tuesdays are not too bad, and hopefully it'll go by relatively fast.

One thing is for sure... I can't wait to POAS! I hope I get my BFP :) hopefully I can fall in that group of 17, who got their BFP the 1st month using the CBEFM.



(Photo credit; Baby Center Community Poll)




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Just as I suspected...

Ladies (and Gentlemen) we have reached the "PEAK"!!!!!




I KNEW it! CD21 (20 on the CBEFM) and finally seeing peak fertility.

Also, the dotted crosshairs are gone... Leaving me a totally crazy chart, which doesn't really bother me. It is what it is!




Now, we just have to continue BDing until the monitor goes back to showing a "low" reading, which is what is recommended.

I'm getting excited. I HOPE this is IT!!! :)




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Grandpa's Girl

No baby-making news to report. Still waiting for AF to arrive one more time. Then it's a "go" for our FET. We can't wait.

I'm going to get a little off topic on this post and discuss my grandpa. He turned 81 last July, and he's the only grandpa I've ever had. When I was a child, he always seemed so "no nonsense" and a little scary. My parents would take my younger brother and I to our grandparents' house for one week during the summer since my grandpa was retired. Grandma still worked, and she would get up every morning to get herself ready. I would wake up and go into the bathroom where she was, and I would always beg her to not go to work. I didn't want to stay at the house with grandpa. Grandpa was mean.

Of course, he really wasn't "mean". He would take my brother and me to swim in the lake, bowling, to McDonalds for lunch, and even to the children's museum. He was just an older man. He had raised his children and was more strict than my parents. I loved him, but I was also a little scared of him.

As I grew up, I developed a stronger relationship with my grandpa. I'm not his only grand-daughter, but I am the only one that lives close by. I became his "monkey" and he would always tease me about misbehaving (I promise, I was a perfect child). I was born with naturally curly hair, and it looks pretty wild at times (due to the humidity in FL). He would laugh and say that he could mop the floor with my head. He became more affectionate as I grew up; always hugging me and kissing me on the cheek when we would say our goodbyes. I became a grandpa's girl.

Sadly, my grandpa's health is declining. He was diagnosed with throat cancer a couple of years ago and has been treated for it. He's lost a lot of weight, and he's become very ornery. It breaks my heart to see him this way. He's not my same grandpa anymore. Two weeks ago, he was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. He had to have a tube put in his lung to the drain the fluid, and he was released to a nursing home soon after. The plan was for him to receive rehab while he was in the home, and then return to his home with my grandma where she would continue to care for him. He lasted 2 days in the nursing home and had to return to the hospital due to a fever. We're waiting to see how he does.

I remember sitting on my grandpa's couch 3 years ago with Mr. Bossy and telling my grandparents that we were ready to start a family. When our first round of IVF worked, my grandma shared the good news with him, but he didn't completely understand. His mind is beginning to slip. I'm beginning to realize that my grandpa might not be alive for the birth of my children. Knowing that they will miss meeting such a great man is devastating to me.
If you pray, please pray for my grandpa.

XOXO,



Bossy

Conflicting Data

Take a look at my current chart...


CD20 and still seeing dotted crosshairs, predicting O on CD10 due to temps. Meanwhile my CBEFM states otherwise. I have a feeling I may be getting a "peak" reading tomorrow, based on all other signs, and how far into the cycle I am.

My "normal" cycles were 35 days, which means that CD21 leaves 14 days until AF shows or until we see a BFP. I am trying to stay positive yet realistic. It would actually be great to get a sticky BFP around Valentine's, since last year I spent it in the ER miscarrying our first.

Any thoughts on this cycle's chart?



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

A Religious Experience

I want to start this post by saying that this post reflects my personal beliefs, and I am in no way attempting to force my religious beliefs on anyone. I totally and completely respect other religions and the choice to practice what we believe. :)

With that said, today, I had an experience. Mr. DBud and I were in St. Augustine, Florida celebrating our Wedding Anniversary. It's an awesomely quaint city, jam-packed with History and charm, so we figured it would be nice to visit, and spend a couple of days taking in the sites, and doing a little relaxing. We had been to the city before, but it had been a while, so we decided to head that way and see a few different things we hadn't seen before (such as the San Sebastian Winery where they offer a FREE wine tasting - very nice). All in all, the trip was great :)

In a previous post (don't remember exactly which - it's been a while), I mentioned a location in St. Augustine known as the Sacred Shine of Nuestra Señora de la Leche (Our Lady of Milk) dedicated to Mothers, women wishing to become mothers, and women seeking a smooth labor. I had been to this site before, and always thought it was peaceful and beautiful - but, obviously, I wasn't interested in any of the things it stood for (not at that point in my life). Well, being that we haven't had a lot of "luck" in that department, I was pretty adamant about visiting the shrine, and praying to the Virgin. I have always been a spiritual/religious person, growing up in the Catholic faith, and I believe in everything it stands for, so I figured it was important for us to visit the Chapel.



Photo credit: Me :) Taken with the iPhone Hipstamatic App

Mr. DBud and I quietly walked in, and had a seat on one of the benches in the tiny chapel, but not before picking up a free rosary (sometimes, they are donated and are left out for visitors). I whipped out my iPhone and pulled up the following Prayer, which I meditated with...



Photo credit, and more info: http://www.missionandshrine.org/la_leche.htm

Then, we just sat quietly, and I just prayed... I prayed that God would grant me the blessing of being a Mother, and that I could know what it's like to have a child of my own. I vowed to bring the child to the location, and raise the child to walk in his footsteps, as I did. As I prayed, the bells on the grounds started to play... And I felt all this emotion grow inside me. I couldn't help it... I started to cry. Mr. DBud had his arm around me, and he kissed my forehead. When he noticed I was weeping, he hugged me tighter, and just sat with me. After a few minutes, I whispered, "Let's go" and we exited the Chapel. When we got out, I carefully wiped my tears as I wept some more. I had all this emotion stirring inside me, and I honestly could not control it. We walked a little in silence, until I calmed down a bit, and we started talking about all the little squirrels that roamed the grounds. We didn't have to utter a word about what happened... He knew how I felt. After walking a bit, we visited the gift shop where I purchased a Prayer card with a prayer for those wishing to become mothers, as well as a rosary bracelet which I put on in the car.

Now, I guess we'll see. I have continued temping and using my CBEFM, even while on vacation, and haven't had anything major show up... But so far, so good, I guess. Just lots of ups and downs. I just hope I can see an O this month... For now, this is what my current chart looks like:



One thing is for sure... I am very lucky to have Mr. DBud... He's my Wonderwall.

Continuing to stay positive :)




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Up and down...

Well, I'm currently on CD11 (10 as far as my CBEFM is concerned), and my temps are rising and dropping like crazy! I know it's too early in the cycle and that later on when we look at the big picture things will make more sense... But it's just weird, you know?

Anyway, here's a screen shot of my chart as it currently stands:

In the past, O has happened around CD 18, so we have a few days to go. I am curious to see what the CBEFM says... This is my first time using it, but hopefully it'll be able to help me :) Maybe this will be the month. Ironically, last year around this exact week was when I got KU, so it would be weird if it happened again in the same exact month (last time, it happened our Anniversary weekend, which is now, so it may happen a week later this time). We'll see what happens!!! Staying positive :)




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad