I'm Finally Back.....

...............and knocked up.

Yep, after 4 miscarriages, I'm pretty sure I'm going to get my take home baby.

After my 4th miscarriage, I took a break from this blog and all things baby, for about a year. After coming home from vacation in July, I looked and Mr. SB and asked him if he wanted to give it the old college try again. If it didn't work this time, we would make our way to the Cleveland Clinic for IVF with genetic testing on the embryos - although deep down I know my heart couldn't take coming to that. Mr. SB agreed and I made a call to my RE that afternoon.

Our first cycle was in August. I upped my Clomid dose to 150 mgs (helllooo crazy!), and the cycle failed. My first only failed cycle with Clomid. Devil pills worked like a charm every time before. So, being the neurotic head case that I am, I convinced myself I couldn't even conceive anymore.

Next cycle was in September - 150 mgs again (poor Mr. SB).

10 DPO - nada

12 DPO - peed on stick, went in shower, washed hair, looked at stick, thought I saw 2 pink lines, thought my eyes were still "sleepy", jumped out of shower, woke up Mr. SB to confirm lines, lines confirmed by Mr. SB, phone call made to RE. Diagnosis? Pregnant.

The next few weeks was pretty much the hardest thing I have ever been through. Blood test after blood test to make sure the babe was growing. The first was the worst - especially since my beta was a mere 14. But 48 hours past, and it jumped to 110. Bingo.

And at 8 weeks I saw this, and was released from my RE:

To date, my most treasured picture. This is the little dude at 7 weeks 5 days with a strong heartbeat. One of my saddest days was saying goodbye to my RE's office, especially to Nurse K - who hugged me and cried with me when we found out I had miscarriage #4. Their last words to me were, "Make sure you send us a picture of your baby!", and my eyes instantly welled up with tears. It made it all seem so real - it was really happening - I was having a baby.

A few days after this picture was taken, morning sickness kicked in full force. Have you ever driven down a highway at about 65 mph, find yourself dry heaving and despite your best efforts can't find ANYTHING to puke into inside your car? And you find yourself praying to Baby Jesus that if he spares your freshly cleaned upholstery just this one time, you promise to never cuss, take a fake sick day or gossip (insert sin here) ever again? Well, that was a day in my life, and after that day, I never left home without my trusty puke bucket (pictured below):

I was one of those lucky broads that was sick for about 16 weeks. Not the oh, I kind of feel like I have bad heartburn sick, but the holy bajesus, I need to go to the bathroom now and oops I just puked on my pants kind of sick. I kept a peppermint teabag at my desk so I could just smell it when some idiot cooked fish or burnt popcorn in the break room. Ginger ale and saltines were my new besties that I couldn't go an hour without.

I also ate orange sherbert - a lot.

But as bad as it was, morning sickness gave me a great sense of security. If the dude wasn't growing, I wouldn't be hurling - so in a way I sort of appreciated it (not that I'd want it back or anything, but you know).

So this was a basic recap of my first trimester. I'll post again soon to recap the second (didn't want to make it too long).

Congrats to all my buds that are now pregnant (Diva, I'm looking at you!), and for the ones that aren't don't give up hope. You will all have your take home babies soon as long as you keep the faith.

Who Ever Said Nothing In Life Is Free?

So I went to pick up my script today for my Femara. Thankfully there is a generic for this drug which makes it much more affordable. However, to my surprise, this medication was not only covered by my insurance, it was FREE!!! Yes Free! How? Why? Don't know and don't care!

I grabbed those pills and pretty much sprinted out of Walgreens as fast as I could before they could tell me something was wrong. Is this a sign that I'm supposed to get knocked up soon?! Lets hope so! I will start on this medication around mid December.

Instructions for use: Take 2 tablets (2.5mg) by mouth everyday on cycle day 3-7

For the hell of it, I thought I would post some basic info about this Clomid replacement.
Credit: http://www.ivf1.com/letrozole-femara-infertility/

Letrozole, also sold under the name Femara, is being used commonly as an infertility treatment. It is also medication that has been widely used in women with breast cancer. Letrozole, taken during cyle day's 3-7, is a medication that is metabolized rapidly in the body and is not thought to have significant levels in the blood or tissues for a prolonged period of time.

Credit: http://www.advancedfertility.com/femara-letrozole-fertility.htm

• Femara is known to have a short half-life in the bloodstream and is given early in the menstrual cycle - several days before a fertilized embryo is present.
• It is believed that the drug has cleared from the system before the egg is fertilized. Therefore, it is puzzling as to how the drug could cause birth defects.
• The manufacturer of the drug has apparently not filed for FDA approval to use it for infertility. However, physicians often use medications in an "off label" way. When the off label use is safe and effective it is perfectly legitimate.

Another GREAT resource can be located at:
http://www.ivf.com/clom.html

And let me remind you of what my doc said......."All of the benefits of Clomid, but without the nasty side effects!"

The Weight Has Been Lifted

Sitting at my desk at work at around 10:30ish my phone rings. It’s my doctors office. HOLY CRAP. My stomach immediately goes into a pretzel like formation and I start getting the pre-vomit watery jaws. I am absolutely terrified they are going to tell me it’s another stinking ectopic.

“Hey, great news……you have no pregnancy in your system!”

I swear 200lbs lifted off my shoulders at that very moment. I don’t think I have EVER been so relieved to not be pregnant in my entire life! First thing I thought……”THERE IS A GOD!!!!”

I talked to the nurse, whom by the way I absolutely ADORE, for about 10 minutes. She said that my body might just not react the same way some ladies do while on Prometrium. And if my body wants shorter periods, then so be it!

She then started to talk to me about Clomid and another medication that does the same thing called Femara. Here is what she told me:

Clomid makes some ladies crazy and gives them very intense side effects. It is FDA approved and most likely covered under your insurance.

Femara does EXACTLY the same thing Clomid does but WITHOUT the side effects. It is used for treatment with breast cancer patients but infertility doctors and mine specifically, LOVE it. The nurse said their office has had a ton of luck with this drug and highly recommend it!

However, the downside is that it is not FDA approved and might not be covered under my insurance.

I didn’t think twice and told her to call me in a script for the Femara and if I couldn’t afford it I would just call them back for the Clomid. So it’s settled, I start Femara on cycle day 3 and continue until cycle day 7 (Around December 15th). Two pills a day at the exact same time. I will still need to do my OPK’s and begin another 12 day cycle of Prometrium one day after FWP.

I am supposed to ovulate next weekend so I'm not sure if we should TTC on our own or just wait until the end of December when I'm set to begin my cycle again. What do you think??

Confession Time.....

I have a confession to make......

I am taking Clomid unmonitored.

::gasp::

I have debated outing myself publicly because I know people feel very strongly against unmonitored Clomid. But I figured what the hell, I'll come clean and document my experience.

I have been taking Clomid unmonitored since April but I had to take a break for the month of May (since I was out of town and away from H during potential O). I am getting ready to start another round of Clomid in the next few days since I am currently on CD 2. While I feel that this is a decision that shouldn't be made lightly, me, my H and my OB have had many in depth discussions (as well as hours of research on the internet) regarding Clomid and it's side effects. I feel comfortable with my decision to forgo the ultrasounds. The risk of OHSS is relatively low on Clomid alone and I just don't think that paying out of pocket for the ultrasounds is worth the added expense. I am sure some of you are rolling your eyes right now. And maybe I will regret my decision because stats don't much matter if you're the one with the negative side effect.

I was put on the lowest dose of Clomid and thankfully I had minimal side effects during my first round. Unfortunately I didn't get pregnant. The only noticeable side effect was painful ovulation, but it was nothing a little Tylenol couldn't cure.

So that's my big confession :) Nothing too major but it is somewhat of a controversial subject.

PB&J Bud :)

New Cycle. New Plan.

So I guess by the title of my post you figured out last cycle was a failure?! It took six BFNs before it was drilled through my thick skull that I wasn't KU. I finally accepted defeat last Friday (11 DPO) and called my OB to set up a WTF appointment since I wasn't pregnant. He wanted me to wait two cycles after my Chemical Pregnancy before meeting with him to discuss my next steps. Thankfully my OB's office doesn't have a crazy wait and they were able to squeeze me in for a Saturday appointment. Nice. I always feel like the nerdy OB patient showing up eagerly with my charts in hand. My doc always gives me a little laugh and the side eye, kinda like whoa, you're serious about this stuff. Guessing from his reaction I assume that not many of his OB patients take this active of a role in the fertility process. LOL. But nonetheless, he is always impressed with my energy and does study my charts (or at least pretends to). It's nice to know that my efforts don't go to waste.

He looked over my chart, made a few notes, asked a few questions before he concluded that I have a mild case of PCOS. He had always suspected I had PCOS but this time he officially diagnosed me. Awesome. But hey, at least we have a starting point to figure out why the hell I can't get pregnant. We discussed testing and medication and decided that for my particular set of circumstances Clomid would be the best option.

"Wait, what about the HSG or the SA? Shouldn't we start with those steps first?" I was kind of shocked that Clomid was his first suggestion. His reasoning for bypassing those other options is because a) I have a 1 year old daughter b) got KU in December and c) have the same husband. But I was still scratching my head. "Why would you prescribe Clomid if I am ovulating? Isn't Clomid prescribed to people who don't ovulate?" Well, Clomid will help regulate my cycles to a more acceptable length, meaning I will ovulate sooner in my cycle. Apparently the quality of the eggs could be compromised due to late ovulation. Which might have had something to do with my Chemical Pregnancy in December. Gulp. You mean there's a real possibility I could have another chemical pregnancy? He said it's possible there was a correlation between the two but obviously we don't know that for sure. Yikes, that wasn't an angle I hadn't considered. That kind of put things in perspective for me, Clomid could help me get pregnant and possibly lessen my chances of another miscarriage.

::side note:: among my cycles in the last year, I have had two 60+ day cycles that had to be ended with a round of Provera. I also had one 19 day cycle in which I have no clue if I ovulated since I was on a charting break. And just recently, my last two cycles were 40 days with ovulation somewhere around CD 27.

My doc wants me to wait until I have had three cycles from my chemical pregnancy before starting a medicated cycle. According to my calculations, the earliest that would be is the beginning of April. Surprisingly, I am ok with the thought of waiting until then which is probably baffling to some of you. Patience is not my strong suit, hence my POAS weakness. Ha. But before you go thinking I have turned over a new leaf, I should disclose that I will be out of town and away from Mr. PB&J during my fertile window. So this cycle was a bust anyway.

So that's the plan stan. I am not pregnant, won't be next month either, and if I am lucky I will have a baby by January. And if you made it this far, thanks for reading my long winded update :)

PB&J Bud :)

Waiting for the Big O

I finished my 3^rd cycle of Clomid yesterday. I am so thankful to be done with those pills. I honestly felt like a crazy woman. Mr. Determined Bud left on Friday for a friend’s bachelor party weekend and partly because of all the extra hormones I bawled that he was leaving me. All Friday and Saturday I was in a huge funk because he wasn’t here. I am going to blame the hormones because I was truly excited for the guys and their weekend of fun. Last night after my final pills I went out for Mr. DB’s friend’s wife’s bachelorette party. We went out to a few local clubs and I was lost in a world I didn’t fit in. Don’t get me wrong I had fun celebrating her last week of being single but it made me realize how much I have changed in just a little under 3 years. I am so thankful for all the changes I have been through. I am so thankful to not have to be in the world of hook ups and dating. I am truly content lying in bed with Mr. DB dreaming and planning our family and future!

As for me, I am in the waiting to see if I ovulate. I get to start peeing on the sticks in 3 days. I always feel like I am peeing on some kind of stick either hoping I am ovulating or hoping I am pregnant. Hopefully this is my cycle; hopefully this cycle gives Mr. DB and me what we have been dreaming for!

Valentines Day & Cycle 3

My valentine’s day started out with getting up at 3am to send Mr. DB off to work on his day off. He has been trying to work as much OT as possible to save up for all these fertility treatments and our new home. Mr. DB then called me around noon to let me know they need him to stay and work more OT (guess all the hubby/wives are calling in today). Oh well, I am sure we can celebrate once he gets home around 8pm! I can’t wait to give him tons of hugs and kisses.

I also received a call from my RE setting up my Clomid check for 1:50pm. Gosh, don't you just love the transvaginal ultrasound to check your ovaries and uterus (total sarcasm). I hate every minute of the ultrasound. It is one of the most uncomfortable things I put myself through each month. I still get nervous every time I go in for the appointment. I worry I won’t be cleared for another round, but Happy Valentine’s Day to me, everything was perfect and I was cleared for another round. My RE decided to up the dose this time.

Starting tomorrow 100mg of Clomid (2 tablets daily for 5 days), Clomid Crazies here I come! Bring on those pills, hot flashes, mood swings, irritability, sore breasts, headaches and complete inner craziness!

I know all of the craziness will be worth it in the end! Nothing but high hopes that this is my cycle, this will be the one to give us our little miracle!

So for now I will keep hoping and wishing!

Photo Credit

Hope everyone had a wonderful time with their Valentine! We are all so lucky to have someone in our lives who care about us through all the ups and downs of IF. I know I am truly thankful for Mr. DB! He is my valentine, my rock, my strength, my true love and my best friend!
Happy Valentines Day!!!

Clomid Crazies

After my first cycle on 5 days of 50 mg of Clomid, I really couldn't understand what women meant when they talked about the Clomid crazies. However now I do. My emotions and mood swings have just begun to subside after taking my last pill on Sunday night. All I can say is poor Mr. PB. That man bore the brunt of the abuse. For example, Sunday night I was watching the Golden Globes, but wanted to go to bed with him. I full-on through a hissy fit about wanting to go bed and how he NEEDS to let me watch it in bed.

With the craziness also went deep into sadness. I have always been someone who cried fairly easily, but this last week was ridiculous. I think I have cried at every commercial about a family and most of the shows that I watched.

Add in the hot flashes...this weekend was a blast. I can't wait to go in for my monitoring on Friday morning. Hopefully we can do the IUI on Saturday and Sunday. I feel bad about missing all this work.

And we start again...

That's right another IUI! AF decided to show her ugly face yesterday when we were trying to celebrate my father's birthday. I was so sure there for awhile. I had it all planned. We would wait until after a couple beta tests to tell my parents. I would get a Disney vacation guide and leave it at my parents with a belated birthday card to my father from the baby. It would be cute yet witty. I really don't know why I do this month after month! I hope I will eventually be able to use one of my ideas.

In addition to AF, I got to wake up at 5 am this morning so I could be at my useless beta for 6:30. I then had an appointment with my RE. Even though I am sure he says this to everyone, I was touched when he said he was upset it didn't work. He also said that he doesn't see any reason for us not being pregnant by the end of the year, especially since we are young. Our plan is do two more IUI cycles with Clomid since my body reacted well with it. If these don't work then we will go onto IVF, something I have a lot of faith in.

I feel like we are back to our first few months TTC. I am upset that it didn't work but I keep telling myself that it was only the first try and these things take time. I just hope I am not planning myself into a corner.

Ready, set, trigger!

First time I ever had to stick myself with a needle and I completed it successfully. Mr. PB wimped out and left me to my own devices when I had to take my Ovidrel shot mere minutes ago. To be honest it wasn't so bad, especially considering up until about 10 years ago I had a HUGE fear of needles of all kinds. I am now ready for IUI #1 tomorrow.

Let me jump back a few days. One Christmas Eve day, Mr. PB and I got up early to head to the ultrasound clinic to see how my follicles have responded to the 50 mg of clomid I took from CD3 to CD7. The ultrasound clinician who was working was incredibly nice and explained the whole process to Mr. PB (who had no clue what was going on) and me. Turns out I had two nice follicles ready, one in each ovary (18 mm and 20 mm). After getting some blood work taken, Mr. PB and I went home to stare at the phone until it rang with the results. The nurse called me by about 1 and let me know that I needed to trigger on Christmas night and come in for my IUIs on Sunday and Monday.

Since we live 40 minutes away from the clinic, we planned our course and times that we needed to leave. However, living in New England nothing can be that simple in December. My parents came over this morning for Christmas breakfast with news that the small snow storm we were supposed to get from Sunday into Monday has turned into a mini-blizzard (over a foot is expected). The great parents that I have fear we will not be able to make it to the clinic on time (7 AM) Monday and are paying for a hotel and dinner for us right near the clinic for Sunday night. Now not only do we have a chance for our Christmas wish to come true, we get a mini-vacation. This is just one of the many reasons I am thankful we have been open about our infertility.

Hopefully some Christmas magic will follow us for the next few days and give us IUI beginner's luck. As much as I love spending Christmas with my cousins and their children, I cannot wait until it is my child everyone is fussing over.

20 Questions? More like 200!

It seems like over the past few days for every one question I get answered, another six pop up. I have a feeling this is what the next few months will entail. AF officially came yesterday, which signified the start of our first IUI cycle. Both Mr. PB and I are incredibly excited that we can do something to help us get pregnant, but I am also incredibly nervous.

The minute AF arrived the questions started arriving. How do I get my Clomid prescription? What pharmacies carry it? What time of day should I take it? How will I react on it? After some confusion between myself and my RE's nurse about my clomid got cleared up, most of these questions were answered. However almost immediately a crop of new questions popped up. What happens if I forget to take it? What will happen on my ultrasound day? Since it will not be at my RE's office, will I get results right away? Will I have to wait until Monday for answers? When will I have to take my trigger shot? What happens if I need to come for another ultrasound, but I don't know since the ultrasound isn't with my RE? When will my IUI be scheduled?

I know I can call my RE's office and ask these questions, but I feel bad about calling all he time. I have called 3 different time since Monday and I still have yet to ask about Mr. PB's repeat S/A. I am sure I am not the only one, but I don't want to become annoying to them. I know I will need them for support throughout this problem. I hope these questions will be answered soon.

The road is now mapped out

Mr. PB and I just returned from our RE results appointment. Dr. A seems very optimistic due to our diagnosis and young age (I am 27, DH is 25). Dr. A believes that we have unexplained infertility, but he is having Mr. PB do a repeat S/A to rule out mild male factor infertility. The original S/A results bad; there was 20 mllion (or 25, I can't really remember) and 25% motility. It is the motility that makes him think it may be a mild MFI, but he says a lot of things may cause that, especially our 5 days of abstinence prior to the S/A. This time we will strategically plan to ensure that we can take full advantage of my upcoming O and get his S/A completed.

We have a plan! We are going to start with a Clomid cycle (50 mg) combined with a double IUI (insemination 2 days in a row). Mr. PB is a little nervous about all the side effects listed with this drug. While I am looking forward to the hot flashes, especially during these cold NE winters, he is fearing the hormonal mood swings that he knows are coming. Even without drugs, I can be very moody the first few days of my cycle. Mr. PB maybe contacting some of you looking for a crashpad that first week or so.

Overall, I am very excited to have a plan. We know that it can take another year or so, but at least we have a plan. I am just hoping we are a lucky couple that gets it the first shot. I am sure we won't, but that is why I am happy to have such a great support system, both online and in real life. I thank you ladies for everything you have given me over the past few months.

You Want Me To Put What, Where?

I just finished my progesterone supplements. And as much as I am an oversharer, I'm quite shy about my, ummm, Chucky.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that I did not take these by mouth. When the pharmacist described them as suppositories, I did a side-eyed double take. Ya, these were not to be taken by mouth, but put closer to where the baby would be (God bless the woman's heart who explained this to me).

You guys? I dont even use tampons unless absolutely necessary. I don't like My Chucky to be invaded.

Despite my apprehension, after the first night, I was fine with them...except for what transpired the next morning.

I'm going to do everyone a favor and not describe what happened the next morning - I'm sure you can use your imagination.

So, at 15 DPO I am not pregnant, and I stopped taking my progesterone. Ya, it is kind of a bummer not to be knocked up, but it is sweet relief to be rid of theose demon pill for just a little while - if only for the phatom symptoms they caused me (fatigue, sore BBs and mild cramping).

This cycle, because my progesterone was only at a 7, my doctor will be upping my Clomid dose to 150 mgs. I'm scared for Mr. SB.

I hate to say it, but I have a REALLY good feeling about this cycle. Even though My Chucky still isnt too keen on the progesterone supplements, I'm hoping that it will help us have our long awaited for take home babe.

Be Careful What You Wish For

For the past few weeks, I had been feeling frustrated by having no real diagnosis. I had a few seemingly unrelated abnormalities like mild ovulatory dysfunction and fibroids and also the glaring fact that I cannot seem to be pregnant. The treatment plan outlined by my RE (3x clomid/IUI cycles, 3x injectibles/IUI cycles, then IVF if no success) was basically the generic plan for unexplained IF. I found it frustrating that without knowing what was going wrong, we were sort of taking a shot at the dark and hoping for the best and yeah, for a minute or two, I might have just wished I had an official diagnosis with a specific plan targeted to the problem.

Fast forward to this week when I went in for my final monitoring ultrasound before IUI. I had 8 medium to mature follicles. This was on the lowest dose of Clomid (50mg). "Sweet!!!" I thought to myself, "I responded swimmingly!" Um, the RE had quite a different take on my response to Clomid and my previously noted odd follicle maturation patterns.

In fact, what he said totally surprised me. He told me that he felt fairly confident that I have an atypical case of "lean" PCOS. He also told me that because I am low weight and likely not insulin-resistant (the most common form of the disease is insulin-resistant and affects primarily overweight women since excess fat tissue is what fuels the hormone imbalance), I would be more difficult to treat and more difficult to get pregnant than most PCOS patients.

Since only 2 of the 8 follicles were fully mature, he told me to trigger right away and do the IUI the next day (which was yesterday) in the hope that no other follicles would have the chance to mature further. I still have a risk of higher order multiples this cycle that I am honestly not totally comfortable with. My impression is that 8 follicles on an injectibles cycle is not crazy at all, but 8 follicles on the lowest dose of Clomid is quite unusual and bodes poorly for my ability to handle more aggressive hyperstimulation.

I suppose the larger underlying issue is this: I can't get pregnant on my own but yet with even the lowest dose of ovarian hyperstimulation I over-respond which places me at high risk for OHSS and HOM. No picnic here. If this cycle doesn't work, he said we need to re-think the old plan and go back to the drawing board.

Yesterday we did IUI #2. Unfortunately, our numbers were half of what they were last cycle (12.8 million/50% motility). I hope that I will get lucky this cycle, but not too lucky. Again, I have to be be careful what I wish for! I would love so much to be just 'medium lucky' with one healthy singleton. I am still trying to process all of this new information about my situation and to learn more.

Clomid Cycle #3

I've debated writing this post. I am usually not an emotional person, and do not wish to be portrayed as such. I view emotion as weakness, and for the most part, try to keep it at bay - especially in front of strangers.



However, I think it is time to come clean. I could just sit here and type to you matter of fact postings describing how crazy fertility drugs make me, but that is not the reason why I joined this blog. In my short 4 month here, I have come to see you all not as strangers, but as a supportive community. You have all shared your ups and downs with me, and I think it is time to share mine with you.



After AF decided to announce her presence (on her own this time, which is very out of character), I began Clomid cycle #3 on 100mgs of pure insanity.



This time? Was kind of anti-climatic. I was a little weepy the first night, and I continue to have a few hot flashes, but so far I have not been an emotional basket case nor have I spit my gum on the side of someones car because they cut me off in traffic (Wait, did I forget to tell you guys that story? Its probably for the best.). Basically, I have just been hanging out and FREAKING THE EFF OUT over becoming pregnant again.



I'm scared to death that if I become pregnant and lose a fourth pregnancy, it will be the one that breaks me. On the other hand, I feel like I cannot move forward with my life until I get past this hurdle. I feel like I have been stuck in a time warp, and when I think that we have been trying to have a baby for almost 2 years now, it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

Not to mention how much I feel like a failure. I feel like I am letting everyone down with my infertility. My poor husband - what did he do to deserve this?

Speaking of my poor husband, I think he knows more about the female reproductive system than any man ever wants to know. No man should know what EWCM is, let alone what it looks like.

So here I am, wallowing in my own pity, and moving forward without knowing if I should. However, if I always feared the unknown, I would be sitting alone, in my house, with approximately 10-15 cats (all of which I would be knitting socks for).

I think right now its best to take a chance. Because without chances, I think we all would become Crazy Cat Ladies.....and I'm not that great of a kniter anyways.

Diagnosis: Crappy Luck

Lesson learned - always go with your gut feeling. There was a reason why I felt uncomfortable about my new RE.

On Monday, I spotted - just once - and it never came back. It was way too early for my period, so I immediately thought this was implantation bleeding and had a minor freak out (and by minor I mean major because I'm not one for surprises or things that aren't planned for). I called my new RE and asked about the progesterone supplements just in case I was pregnant. And do you know what I was told? I was told that they do not assist patients who become pregnant on their own.

Nope, no need to go back and re-read that sentence, you read it right.

And if that statement was not bad enough, I was also told that the doctor would call me back, but not today because he was on vacation. If I didn't receive a call back by Friday, the nurse instructed me to call them. You know, just in case I was "lost in the shuffle."

Again, no need to re-read. True story.

When situations arise such as this, I have to remember that I am a grown up and have to conduct myself in a "mature" manner, not like a member of The Bad Girls Club. And let me tell you, it took everything I had to not flip out on this poor, unsuspecting nurse and tell her what a crock of crap that practice was. I instead, thanked her for her time and immediately set up an appointment with my old RE to go over the information I was given with my second opinion (woo hoo! grown up status has been achieved!).

And just as I suspected, every single test the Second Opinion RE wanted to do on me was not necessary. Dr. T just kept repeating, "It wouldn't hurt, but its not necessary." It was nice to know that my current doctor is more concerned about keeping me pregnant than getting a fat payout.

So, I'm back with Dr. T and will start my Clomid again this cycle (hold onto your butts, readers). My TTC hiatus has officially ended only after 2 months (but 10 lbs gone!). I'm ready to give this another shot and feel like I am both physically and mentally ready.


Let the baby making (and keeping) begin.

Week One Down!

I have had a very busy week, and I really did not get to go into much detail with how everything panned out from my HSG. I have now spoken to my doctor a bit more in depth about things, and can see a clearer picture now. The HSG hurt so bad that my mind was still pretty hazy directly after, and it really did bother me that I was their for the HSG...when all I really wanted was to be there because I was PREGNANT. I can't remember if I told you that they gave me a pregnancy test before my HSG. This just about shattered my heart. I know it is probably routine to do this because they want to ensure you are not pregnant for risk to the baby if you underwent the procedure pregnant. But, jeez, it was really hard having them do that because I wanted so badly to be pregnant. It was only a pee test, but still. The little voice in my head kept saying, "BE PREGNANT!!!! Be pregnant! Maybe this whole PERIOD thing you are on is just a fluke!!!!" But lo and behold...it was negative.

I have completed my Clomid. My doctor prescribed this to me for days 5-9 of my cycle. He said that although my tube was clear, and that it appears I do ovulate each month, he wanted to ensure O happened and did not want to waste this cycle. From days 10-13 I am on Estrace 3 times a day. Then from days 16-30, I am on a vaginal insertion of Prochieve, which is a Progesterone cream injected into the vagina that helps thicken the lining of your uterus and helps to 1. achieve pregnancy, and 2. sustain it if conception does indeed occur. Now, this med was 300$, which I chose not to pay. Not because we couldn't afford it, but that this money really needs to be saved in case we face other obstacles in our TTC journey. So, my doc gave me samples for the 14 days I need it, which are a 4% level rather than an 8%. So, I will gamble with it this cycle and if no luck I will discuss with Mr. JB about buying the regular prescribed amount out of pocket.

The Clomid was not too bad, but it did cause me to feel as if I was experiencing hot flashes at certain points of the day, but did not necessarily bother me just at night. It also did make me kind of moody, and gave me some sharp abdominal pains a few times a day. Oh, and wonderful gas. Yes, lots of gas LOL. But, other than that it was ok. I think I am coming down with a cold, so I cannot necessarily tell how the Estrace is affecting me; but I can say that as I sit here and type this I am feeling a bit warm and hotflashy. :-)

Mr. JB also had his SA. Lucky for him, he did not have to sit in a cold room and watch 80's porn. He got to take the sample jar home, provide his sample and bring it back. Thank goodness I was at work. It would have just been weird, lol. But, he did have a very funny encounter upon returning the little brown bag with his specimen in it...

I had left the jar and the brown paper bag on the counter for him, as I had picked the jar up at my HSG appointment. There was also a label for him to affix to the jar with his name, etc on it. I had left a piece of paper nearby that I had filled out with some necessary info the doctor needed on it, and left it next to the paper bag. So, before I leave for work, Mr. JB asks me, "Should I masturbate more than once so that they have a bigger amount to look at?" Me, "um, no honey...they need to see what your ACTUAL specimen contains and its motility when you ejaculate, so doing it multiple times would not give us an accurate answer." Mr. JB, "Ok, ok."

So, we had already discussed the issue of amount, etc. I know he wants to feel adequate, so I knew where he was coming from as soon as he asked it...but, still. It gets funnier though...

He does what he needs to do and heads to the lab to turn in the specimen. He hands the lady the paper bag awkwardly, and waits. She looks in the bag, looks at Mr. JB and says, "Is this it???" Mr. JB about DIES, and thinks oh GOD! I DON'T Produce ANYTHING!!!!!!! He is sooo mortified now, and stutters, "Uh, ya." She says, "Oh, ok well there is supposed to be a piece of paper in here." He remembers then that he had stuck the piece of paper in his pocket. He hands it to her and sighs a huge sigh of relief. The poor women was probably thinking he was crazy. HAHAHAHA!

Anyhow, now to wait for the results and pray. Mr. JB really feels the issue lies with him. I of course, think it is me. So, then I bring my best friend up to date on everything, as she lives 1500 miles away from us. She mentions to me that maybe the issue IS with Mr. JB because of Chemotherapy and Radiation he had to undergo for a lengthy period of time as a child due to tumors in his leg that kept growing back. I had NEVER, EVER thought that may be the cause of our issue, but the more said talked about it, the more sense it made. Now, I am REALLY nervous to find out the results.

Waiting Stinks. But, here I sit and pray.

June Bud

Holy HSG!

I had my HSG Ultrasound yesterday. WOW. I knew it would probably hurt a bit, but it REALLY did. It was like my Uterus was going to explode. Well, not really, but you know what I mean. The cramping was unbearable, but I made it through. The doc said I have at least one good tube, they could not see the other one on the ultrasound, but he suspects it is good as well. He did prescribe me Clomid, and Mr. JB has Semen Analysis tomorrow.

The sad part was that I was SO depressed at the OB's office. They had me take a pregnancy test to rule out that I was pregnant before they did the U/S. Well, I knew I was not pregnant, because they perform the HSG while you are on AF, but of course I had that glimmer of hope. I kept thinking how badly I wanted to BE THERE to confirm I was pregnant and start that wonderful journey. Then when they did the actual U/S I kept thinking that SOMEDAY I would be there for an U/S to see my baby. Sigh...OH, and every time a cute little pregnant lady came in for an appointment, I teared up.

Moving on...

Can anyone explain to me what Clomid might do to my temps? I got a big temp spike this morn after taking it last night. I went up from 96.80 to 97.33. Just wondering if it makes it go up a bit. Anyways...the road goes on...

Now that I'm done being indecisive...

The Dr's visit went as scheduled. Chit chatted with Dr. Baggins, had a blood draw (I was scolded for having tiny veins, as I always am. He called me "titchy".) was told I probably don't have PCOS (huzzzah!) or a thyroid disorder (double huzzah!), but I did have to convince him that I don't have an eating disorder.

***This is a sidetrack that has nothing to do with TTC. At. All.***

Let me sidetrack for a moment. Doctors ALWAYS think I have an eating disorder. ALWAYS. I am small. Very small, and I always have been. I throw a party if I can manage to get the scale to go over 110. I have told this to every doctor I have ever been to, and yet I always get the same quiz. "What did you have for lunch today??" This puts me in the incredibly fun spot of playing "What would the anorexic say?". I usually can't say right off the top of my head what I ate, and I worry that if I take too long, he'll think I'm trying to lie. If I answer to quickly, he'll think that I am obsessed with food. It really is lose-lose. Oh well. Anyways,

***End Sidetrack***

He gave me a prescription for Clomid that I can take to any pharmacy to have filled. I thanked him (He really is very sweet, anorexic suspicions notwithstanding) and left.

On the way home though, I got this overwhelming sense of "This isn't what you need to do." It had nothing to do with fear or pride or anything else. It was simply a clear, very strong sense that we needed to wait a little longer before using the prescription. I should mention that Mr. Cherry Bud and I are Christians, and both of us are firm believers that God gives us direction for our lives. I understand that this gets me the side-eye more often than not. I'm ok with that.I'm also not saying that God came down in a pillar of flame and said "Thou shalt not CLOMID!!" I simply felt a quiet place inside me saying "Wait. This isn't the right move right now"

When I got home, I talked to Mr. Cherry Bud about it and found that he had felt uneasy about the Clomid as well and had wanted us to wait, but wanted it to be my decision, as it is my body.

So, while I do want to make it clear that I see nothing wrong with any kind of intervention to achieve pregnancy, we have made the decision to save the prescription and give my body a few more months. That prospect scares me a little. I like to have complete control over any given situation, So relinquishing the sense of control Clomid would give me is a little scary, but I am aware that God has a plan, and that Pharmaceuticals may, or may not, still be part of that plan. We will just have to see.

Hoping I'm making the right decision,
Cherry Bud

The Clomid Discussion

Tomorrow is The Appointment.

Tomorrow I meet with Dr. Baggins to discuss Clomid.

I have mixed feelings about it, to be honest. On the one hand, Mr. Cherry Bud and I are ready to be parents. We want to hold Little Cherry Bud in our arms and be Mommy and Daddy. On the other, there is a voice in the back of my brain that is insisting "Too soon!". This obnoxious little voice is firmly convinced that, despite Dr. Baggins's assurances otherwise, six months TTC is not long enough, and that we need to try for a few more months without pharmaceuticals before we take that next step. Notwithstanding that I am arguing with a voice in my head,

Photo Credit
I can't decide if this is the voice of reason or if it is my own pride, which, admittedly, wants the satisfaction of knowing I can conceive without medical intervention.

I should add that I knew Clomid was a possibility. Dr. Baggins told me so at my Pre-TTC appointment. I've been mentally preparing myself for it for the last few months. This didn't come as a surprise. What surprised me is how suddenly hesitant I am to "admit defeat" (words that spring unbidden from my brain every time I think of Clomid) and allow modern medicine to help me out. I am completely aware of how ridiculous this is, even when I'm in the middle of thinking it.

Even with my reservations, most of my brain is ready to be a Mom, regardless of what it takes.

My doctor is an understanding man, so I'll tell him all of this tomorrow and see what he thinks.

FYI: I tried to find a cartoon illustrating the whole "pride goeth before the fall" thing. I found nothing helpful, but did find many fascinating pictures from various LGBT Pride Events.