One Month Out...

It's been one month today since my miscarriage. And I'm still feeling pretty blue. The week leading up to the miscarriage was really, really hard, but it seemed to get easier from there. About a week ago, I got really emotional again all of a sudden, and have stayed that way since. I'm crying at the drop of a hat again, I feel very detached from what's going on (at home and at work), and I've lost my appetite again.

We've told a few people now about our loss, and while they say all the right things when we tell them, nobody has asked since how I'm doing. Granted, they probably wouldn't like my answer a whole lot right now, but it would still be nice to be asked...

Mr. Magnolia Bud and I have decided to give it another week, and if I'm still feeling like this once we're back from our Thanksgiving travels, I'm going to call a therapist. Thanks to the profession I'm in, I feel lucky to have a referral line open to me 24/7, and am able to see a therapist for free when I need one. Honestly, until now I haven't felt so vulnerable, so alone, or so helpless in my entire life.

I'll leave you with two good things that have happened, despite the emotional roller-coaster. I've been traveling a lot for work. Two weeks ago, I was in Atlanta and was able to spend a long evening with one of my best friends. It was the first time I had met her son, who was such a joy to spend time with. He is such a happy baby, and she is so excited for us to be TTC. Last week, I was in D.C., and was able to reconnect with a dear friend. We've known each other since we were 14--freshman year of high school--and spent more hours together through high school and the first half of college than I would ever dare try to count. We lost touch after that (my fault), and it was incredibly good to reconnect last weekend. I hope it's the start of rebuilding our friendship.

In other news, I'm still waiting for AF to show, though I had a teeny bit of spotting over the weekend. My temps are still all over the place, and I wonder if AF showing will give me the closure I need to move on.

Hope floats.

Floats right out the darn door.

AF showed yesterday with a vengeance. And she is pissed off. This is one of the worst, painful periods I've had in awhile. I don't know what I did to tick the wench off.

So here we go again. On to another dreaded cycle of no treatment. Yay.

(can you sense the sarcasm there? I'm sooo excited.)

I gave in and called a therapist who specializes in infertility. I called last Tuesday. It's now over a week later and no return call to set up the appointment. I can see urgency isn't there foremost focus. Um, hello, depressed person calls you, YOU CALL THEM BACK.

So now I'm off to find someone else to cry to about how much this all sucks.

20th cycle. It feels and sounds worse than moving into the "teen" cycles did.

Sorry to be a debbie downer.....

This month has been so hard for me. As my EDD approaches, I'm finding it really hard to deal. The only time I find peace is at night, when I'm sleeping. When I'm working, I can usually focus on work but even now it's starting to affect my performance. Almost every day I shed at least a few tears and more often than not, I'm crying myself to sleep.

Poor Mr MB doesn't know what to do with me. He asked his buddies at work how to help. I don't really mind him asking, because I think it's a sweet gesture. He is so strong. And I know he's not nearly as affected by our loss as I am, and that's okay with me... but man is he strong. He's such a rock. He's my support system. He's everything. But for some reason I just can't keep it together.

I remember back in December we went to a perinatal bereavement service that the hospital put on and one of the speakers (also a mommy who had had a loss) said, "Grief is 100% healthy, but when the days seem to run together like a rolling thunderstorm with dark clouds, you should seek help." My thunderstorm won't go away. So, I'm seeking help. I plan to look at therapists in my area that specialize in grief. I just don't think I can do it myself anymore. I have a degree in psychology, so you'd think I'd be more comfortable doing this but I am scared to death!

I've seemed to lose a lot of myself through our loss and my grief. Mr MB and I are also trying to change our health-habits and he's going so good. Down almost 15 pounds since 1/1/10 and I've been stuck at -5lbs for three weeks. I can't think of a single thing that motivates me these days. Usually I am motivated by SOMETHING... but my brain just shuts off.

As for TTC... AF is due any day now, my chart is confusing as all get out. FF took my cross hairs away, I had a +OPK but may not have ovulated at all (at least its not saying I did since it took my CHs away), all HPTs I've taken have been BFNs... and to top it off, I found out two of my friends are expecting today and my trainer at work found out she was having a girl today. *sigh* It's been a rough day. I'm really hoping AF doesn't show this week and I can be blessed with a BFP. If not, I'm charting for one more month and then if that cycle is negative I'm calling our OB. I need some answers.

What are your guy's experiences with therapists? When did you know it was time to seek help?