Stress Kills......

Nothing new to report today. Just thought I would pop in and give an update. 5th day of my cycle I'm on the 3rd day of my Femara. 2 more days to go. I figure I will start the OPK's tonight. Since I ovulated on day 7 of my last cycle and missed my window, I wanna be sure I start POAS early enough. No side effects really.....just a slight headache each day.

I'm so confused as to why my cycle was so short in November. Was it the Prometrium that I was on back in October? Was it stress? All I know is that this has never happened....not in my entire life! And of course it happens when I'm trying to get KU. Grrr.

Speaking of stress I would like to vent. I'm having an extremely difficult time at work with some serious A**holes that are in my department. My best friend stabbed me in the back and 4 of my other "friends" completely turned their backs on me. I have been so stressed it's made me sick to my stomach. My typical "guts of steel" have done a 180 and have not been very nice. The whole situation couldn't come at a worse time. I'm trying to get pregnant for F**k's sake!!!

So what I am thinking, is that maybe I could talk to my doctor when I do get knocked up. I would like to take a couple of weeks off work. I don' want anything coming between me and a healthy full-term pregnancy. And if stress is giving me the scowers, then who knows what it would do to a potential pregnancy. I need to be in a serene environment with no outside distractions that could jeopardize my chances of being successful. I've never asked for short term disability and I wouldn't even know how to ask for it, or if it would even qualify for STD. Has anyone ever taken STD for anxiety/depression?? And would this be something that my infertility doc could do or would it be just my regular family physician?

I am alive :)

Hello all! How is everyone doing? I am doing great, Little PB&J Bud and I just got back from a trip to San Francisco. We had a blast but we are happy to be home. I took a charting break but I am hoping I made it home in time for O, which I am not sure if I did or not. Only time will tell. Argh, traveling only intensifies the stress of TTC!

Speaking of traveling........I travel a lot. I am a SAHM and I am very fortunate in that I have no restrictions of when I can travel (ie - no vacation time issues). Mr. PB&J is a Border Patrol Agent which means we live in rural Texas, by the border and far from family. I really dislike the town we live in (it's a dump) but it has been our home for the last 8 years and will continue to be our home for at least a few more years. Any opportunity I get I try to travel back to Florida to visit family. Both my parents and my ILs live in Orlando and I like to visit them every 4 to 6 weeks. Unfortunately Mr. PB&J Bud doesn't get to accompany us on most of our trips so booking travel around potential O dates can be stressful, especially when I don't O consistently on the same CD. A few cycles we have had bad timing because we were both in two different cities. Which has lead to a few breakdowns by myself.

And speaking of stress........I think over the last 6 months I have REALLY become obsessed with TTC. I have Googled every aspect of TTC that I thought could have pertained to me and in turn I have made myself one big stress ball. Not to mention the stress I put myself though with my POAS addiction. I was really causing myself unnecessary stress. I recently surpassed the one year TTC mark and I think with that I accepted defeat. Not defeat in that I will never get pregnant, but defeat in the sense that no matter how much research I do or how many sticks I pee on, the outcome will still be the same. I can't keep putting myself through the same heartache cycle after cycle. It's exhausting and it's not healthy.

Lately I have been trying to keep myself busy. I have redirected my attention to my old hobby of mine, photography and I feel a sense of relief. No longer do I dream about pregnancy or miscarriage. No longer are my thoughts consumed with TTC. I mean, I still chart, use OPKs, and have sex as often as I can but TTC is not ruling my life anymore. I try not to let myself become overwhelmed with my emotions but instead I just stick to the basics. I feel more sane because of it and a better wife and mother.

So that folks, is an explaination on why I haven't been posting more often. But stay tuned, I have a confession to make in my next post!!

.........don't you hate when bloggers do that?!?!........

PB&J Bud :)

14 weeks + nursery furniture!!

Hey everyone! Today I am 14 weeks 2 days pregnant & feeling pretty good. I still get random aches & pains in my sides, hips & ute area, but I have come to expect them daily & they don't worry me any more. It's essentially soreness in that entire area & I actually get worried when I don't feel it for too long of a time period. I'm also happy to report that today I eliminated a MAJOR source of stress in my life...I don't really want to bore you with the details, but I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, whew!

In other news, we got the final results from our NT Scan last week & everything looks great! The geneticist said that our baby Worry Bud has a 1 in 10,000 chance of being born with Downs Syndrome, Trisomy 13 or 18 - she said that was the lowest possible risk factor based on their standards. I wasn't necessarily worried about the results, since my pregnancy was considered relatively low risk for any of those genetic disorders based on my age & absence of history of any such genetic issues in either of our families, but it still feels great to hear our LO is healthy in there! Thank God!

According to The Bump (photo credit), this week Baby WB is the size of a lemon or a fist!! S/he is busy with thumb sucking, toe wiggling, making urine & breathing in amniotic fluid as his liver, kidney & spleen continue to develop. S/he is also covered in lanugo, which is a thin hair, that grows all over a developing baby's body for warmth - stay warm in there Baby WB!

In other news, we picked out & ordered our nursery furniture this weekend! Babies 'R Us was having a huge sale & we got 20% off both pieces we bought - the convertible crib (plus the conversion kit) & the dresser/changer combo. They are from Baby Cache, which got a A- rating in Baby Bargains & good reviews everywhere else I researched! The finish is called "cherry wood," but in person it's a little darker than traditional cherry wood, so it works since we initially wanted dark wood furniture. It'll be delivered to our house late this week actually - much sooner than I expected, so Mr. Worry Bud is going to be hard at work painting the nursery (a gender neutral, aqua blue) this week! Woot!

Photo Credit

My next OB appointment is next Friday - May 21st & I'm hoping to schedule the BIG u/s that day! I can't wait to find out what we are having so that I can start decorating Baby WB's nursery! And finally, I leave you with my 14 week "bump" picture:


Hope everyone has a great week & farewell to Glow Bud...we'll miss you 'round here!

Talking about IF with others

I don't know if it was the post-Christmas blues, the end of 2009, or our upcoming IVF, but starting the middle of last week I was feeling pretty horrible - lonely & anxious to be exact. I told Mr. Worry Bud about it & told him that I think I want to speak to one of the IF counselors at my RE's office & he agreed that I probably should...he even offered to go with me! So, I am calling today to to see if we can get an appointment sometime in the near future. I just want to be sure I talk about my anxiety & why I am scared with someone who has experience with IF. I feel like it will better prepare me for IVF & all the emotions that go along with it.

Photo Credit

I also told my mother & sister about our IF this weekend. They were both very understanding & supportive & I am soooo happy I told them. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off me now that they know. I can't really explain it, but that's how I feel. It made the whole rest of my weekend better after talking to both of them about everything we are going through. I saw both of them in person & I basically just explained how we started seeing a Dr. about my short cycles & that as part of standard procedures, they test both partners. I told them that all of the testing on me came back normal, but the testing on Mr. WB revealed that his semen quality was not ideal for us to conceive the natural way. I told them that I would not discuss the specifics of the S/A findings, and they respected that. I told them the Dr. gave us a less than 5% chance of conceiving on our own & that Mr. WB & I had decided to move forward with IVF. My mom - who is not a very emotional person - said that she was very sorry to hear about it & asked lots of questions about my RE (success rates, how good the fertility center was). My sister asked more about the IVF procedure itself & I explained all that I could & told her we'd be starting shortly. They both asked how much it was going to cost us & I told them what we were paying & how many cycles it included. I am so happy that I told them now - they are probably the only IRL family (or friends) that we will tell. I think we may talk about it more after we have children, but for now we want it to be a private matter.

My next hurdle will be telling my job. We have a very very liberal sick leave policy & I know my supervisor won't ask too many questions, but I am still scared to tell him/them about what's going on. I'm not sure how exactly I will tell them, but I will most likely do it in the next month or so. Obviously before the actual IVF cycle starts, but probably after the mock embryo transfer & any other testing/procedures that takes place in the month preceding the actual ER/ET. I want to talk privately with my boss & ask that he keep the information to himself, and say that I am undergoing treatment for a non-serious (it is to me, but I don't want to give TMI) medical condition that will require outpatient surgery & monitoring appointments before/after the procedure. I think that telling them once, even if we have to do IVF more than once (H&P that we don't!), then they won't really question me switching my telework days around, coming in to work late, or taking sick leave when needed. I am not going to give them a time frame & hopefully they won't ask. I hope that they respect my privacy & do not tell any other management (some of the managers in my office have big mouths)...and I don't want any of my colleagues questioning me about what's going on. Photo Credit (for above image).

As far as my current cycle, I have been slacking this past weekend on temping - I would wake up & then fall back asleep before temping. I temp REALLY early - at 5am, so it's really hard to wake up on the weekends! I did temp consistently until I confirmed my O for cycle #7 and then off & on since then. I noticed this AM (7 DPO) that my temp dropped pretty close to the cover line, so we will see what happens. I am not feeling the familiar twinges that tells me AF is coming, but sometimes I don't really before hand. Once/if (still wishful thinking that we could have a miracle BFP ;o) AF starts, I will call my RE nurse & get further directions on when to start the BCPs. I am feeling okay, mostly just ready & full of hope to become a mommy soon! Please continue to pray for us & send any positive thoughts for a successful 1st IVF attempt our way...your T&P mean more than I can ever express in words!

Crazy Cycle

So, here is where I am in the 2WW - 4 DPO. Yes, last time I visited, I was 5 DPO. This cycle has been so strange and I attribute it all to stress. First, Fertility Friend and my body indicated that I ovulated on CD 11. I had lots of EWCM and some with spotting. Then, Fertility Friend said that I ovulated on CD 16. Not a lot of EWCM, but I did have headaches. And now, Fertility Friend has moved my ovulation day to CD 22. There was some definite EWCM on CD 22 and a small amount a few days later. I suppose this is what buying a house and being stressed at work can do to your body. The only thing left to do now, is wait. Wait to see if FF changes my O day again, wait to see how this 2WW goes and wait to see if all the stress actually got me pregnant (crossing fingers it did). Please say a prayer that this crazy cycle is the charm!

P.S. I will be posting some pictures of the house by the end of the week for those that were curious.