Tomorrow, Tomorrow.....

It's only a day away!!

I jinxed myself in my last blog when I wrote that the first week on BCPs flew by because the second week took F-O-R-E-V-E-R.

Tomorrow I'll return to my RE to see if my BCPs have shrunk the cyst. It needs to be less than 12 mm for us to proceed safely. I'm so scared and anxious. Mr. Bossy & I have waited to move on since December, and I'm not a very patient person.

My nephew will be making his debut in a couple of weeks. My SIL told me yesterday that she'll probably be induced the week after Easter since he's getting bigger and she has such a small frame. It's funny how two months ago, I was super excited about being an aunt. I was getting used to the situation. Still extremely jealous, but getting more and more excited. I spoke with my SIL about our FET plans, and she couldn't have cared less. That broke my heart. With our "bump in the road", I've noticed myself slipping back to my old feelings. I feel like things are just not working out for Mr. Bossy and I, and I often throw myself a pity party.

Something else I've noticed about myself is I'm no longer as open about our infertility and doctor business with family and friends. I never told the world, but I shared with certain people. Recently, I've been keeping pretty quiet. I figure if people want to know, then they'll ask.

I'm going to close this blog with a song that I know we can all relate to. Grab some tissues.






Bossy Bud

NOYB!

OMG, I totally lied all over my eye doctor's paperwork yesterday. I went in for my yearly check-up, been going there for years, but he's got all these new forms to fill out and I was unprepared for the invasiveness of the questions. It was like a TSA infertility patdown.

Let's see what I wrote down:

Are you pregnant or nursing? Yes/No
Not hard to guess my selection here. But, if they asked if I was menstruating, I would lie and circle "No." I'm surprised the form didn't ask for my LMP.

Please list your current medications, including contraceptives: _______________________
Um, where do I begin here. Does stopping BCPs for this cycle mean I don't take them, or I didn't take them last night but still in general I take them to cycle but not for actual controlling of birth? Lupron shots. Estrogen patches starting tonight. Estrogen pills shoved in dark places starting next week. Progesterone shots in the fanny. 4 doses of folic acid plus prenatals (with built-in stool softener) plus calcium.

Well shoot, there wasn't enough space for me to write all this down so I just left it blank.

Please list all major surgeries: ___________________________________
Do you REALLY want to know? What do 2 egg retrievals and 2 D&Cs have to do with my eyes? Like I'm going to tell you this. My parents go to the same clinic. Loose lips sink HIPAA ships. No thanks.

I left the line blank. It's not like I lied and wrote "None," right?

<List of health issues omitted but basically I had to go and put check marks next to all kinds of symptoms and maladies>

Other health issues not listed above: ______________________________
Am I supposed to write "infertility" here? Seriously? If my health insurance won't treat it, it's not a health issue and therefore I don't have to indicate it here. Thankyouverymuch.

What do you like to do for fun?____________________________
At this point I was so annoyed that I left this line blank. This is what infertility has done to me. (But the truth is I love photography, so I'm not completely devoid of inner life and happiness. I just don't feel the need to answer this question on some stupid form.)

In other more relevant news, I had my suppression check yesterday and everything looked perfect. No cysts to foul up the cycle, and I have to say that I thought my uterus looked pretty good (the lining was thin as expected, but I just thought it looked really good on the screen). I start my estrogen patches tonight and decrease my Lupron, which is a good thing because I've got a Lupron headache that's driving me crazy.

I'll check in as the cycle progresses.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Golden Bud

IVF Update: BCP & Lupron

I feel like my pre-IVF cycle is moving right along!

I am on my 3rd and final week of BCP. The first few days I felt completely fine on it. Then I became an emotional mess for another few days. I think my body has finally gotten used to it. I feel totally normal now!

I started Lupron 5 days ago. Lupron is taken as an injection to my stomach. The first few injections were uncomfortable. The needle itself didn't hurt but the injection site stung for about 15 minutes after. I figured out that if I pinch the skin before putting in the needle and then let go of the skin before I pull it out, the Lupron doesn't leak out at all, which is what I think was causing the pain. Mr. Sassy Bud did my first injection, but he got home late the second night so I did my own. It was actually really easy and I prefer doing it myself. I never thought I would be able to give myself an injection so I am proud of that. I have heard some pretty nasty side effects from Lupron, but so far I haven't had any. I do my injection right before bed and feel totally fine in the morning.

On Sunday I go in for a suppression check. This is to make sure that the BCP and Lupron are doing their jobs. A few days after that I start my stimulation meds, while continuing the Lupron. I can't believe how quickly everything is happening. I should be all finished with my IVF cycle, including betas, by the end of this month.

No news is good news

Photo credit: Golden Bud

On Monday our donor had her suppression check. My coordinator didn't call me with the results, which I assumed to be a good sign (this time anyways). A quick email confirmed that our donor had no cysts and would be starting her stims this Friday.

I've been on Lupron and estrogen patches (the square patches weirdly known as "Dots") and am popping Tylenol daily to deal with the annoying Lupron headaches. I go in for an estrogen test this Friday. That'll be our next hurdle -- we need a good number to show that my lining is increasing. I've never had lining problems in the past, so I expect smooth sailing.

As our donor's egg retrieval draws near, I've been shopping on Etsy for donor gifts. It's common to deliver a gift for her to receive after her surgery. I'm collecting a few goodies in her favorite color (teal) and ordered a necklace that I hope she likes.

Things are pretty boring right now, but that's ok. No news is good news.


Til next time,
Golden Bud

31.8

That was my estrogen level on Thursday afternoon. My donor coordinator called with the news. Anything below 50 and we could continue the cycle without delay.

I can't tell you how relieved I was. We needed a little luck.

But I admit I was worried. All day Thursday and Friday I could feel the cyst twinging and buzzing in my abdomen. I was worried that it was growing, not shrinking. I put my first estrogen patch on Friday night as scheduled, and I wasn't surprised when half an hour later I felt the cyst burst. Wasn't painful, just weird. It hasn't bothered my since. I think it's gone.

The next step in my cycle is a blood test this coming Friday. It's another estrogen test to make sure my lining is increasing. A week from Friday I go in for another blood test and ultrasound, again to check my lining. At some point in the next two weeks I'll hear about my donor's suppression check and how many follicles she's growing. Her egg retrieval should take place in early October. That's just around the corner. It's almost hard to believe.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Golden Bud

Good news, bad news

Went to my RE's local office today for my suppression check and lucky me we're in limbo again.

Bad news: I have a cyst on my left ovary.
Good news: The nurse says that because my lining is thin and my period started, the cyst is likely non-functioning, meaning it's probably not producing hormones and therefore won't affect my cycle.
Bad news: If my estrogen level comes back at 50 or higher, I have to delay the cycle and keep coming in every 4-5 days until the cyst goes away. I'll know this afternoon what my level is.
Good news: Because I have a cyst, my insurance will cover the ultrasound today.

Now we wait.

Dusting off memories

Sometimes it's tough coming here and reading about the pregnant Buds. A couple months ago I could not have read these posts at all. I never ventured beyond the Miscarriage/Loss board on the Bump. I couldn't even bring myself to look at the Infertility boards until after my second D&C was scheduled. Thank goodness I'm terrible with dates and numbers, so I quickly lost track of how many weeks pregnant I would have been on a given day. But when I come here I recall that Dandelion Bud and I had our BFPs around the same time and yeah, it makes me sad, but I've come a long way since May. I am seeing signs of life.

This weekend I peeked at the few pregnancy supplies that I'd stashed away after our loss. I'd collected some pregnancy books from the RE, OB, and Costco. I'd purchased a Doppler (found the HB at 10 weeks). And I'd ordered a few cute stuffed animals on Etsy. Everything is still concealed until I get my BFP.

On a more positive note, we have a few important milestones this week in our donor cycle.

• I started my Lupron shots and took my last birth control pill.
• Mr. GB is headed to our RE's local office tomorrow to sign consent forms and make our final payment of $14,800 for this cycle. (We've already put down a $5k deposit and paid about $1800 for donor meds. We'd owe another $2k if our RE hadn't waived our coordination fee. And to think we've already done a donor cycle once before. Ouch.)
• Thursday is my suppression check and the official start of my donor cycle. Assuming I have no cysts, I'll start wearing my estrogen patches and go back for 2 appointments to check my lining thickness and estrogen levels.

Going in for my suppression check Thursday is going to be bittersweet. The last time I was at the RE's local office, I was pregnant and hugging everyone goodbye. I didn't expect to see them so soon. I hope I can hold it together.