Things I Wish I'd Known

Several of these things are specific to being pregnant after a loss, but not all of them. These cover things through about Week 20 or so of the pregnancy. Maybe I'll do another one of these after delivery...



1) Getting pregnant after a loss is scary.

When I was TTC after my loss I had it in my head that getting pregnant again would magically make everything OK. It doesn't. Its scary to be pregnant again with a little one that you want so badly when you know so much about what can go wrong.


2) Spotting doesn't always mean miscarriage.

It can, in fact it did for me the first time around. This time though I spotted a lot (see chart) and he's still very much still around. I guess I'm pretty much a great example of the 50% chance they give you of a miscarriage when you're spotting. Spotting is terrifying though, especially when you've been down the road of it meaning the beginning of the end before.


3) Symptoms can come and go.

For a lot of ladies, the bulk of 1st Tri symptoms don't really start to kick in until around 6-7 weeks. For me, weeks 7-9 were the most worst. Its totally normal to feel nauseous or tired as anything one day and fine the next. The same has held true for my 2nd and 3rd Tri symptoms so far. Movement has come and gone. Swelling has come and gone.


4) Its common for 1st Tri symptoms to drop off around 10ish weeks.

My symptoms completely tanked around 9 weeks and were all but gone by 10 weeks. Turns out a ton of the ladies on Pregnant After A Loss (a board on The Bump) were experiencing the same thing. Pretty sure around that point is when the placenta takes over, making those annoying 1st Tri symptoms fade.


5) Not everyone gets morning sickness (or other 1st Tri symptoms) really bad and every pregnancy really is different.

I'd heard all these horror stories about morning sickness. None of them were true for me. To this day I've not puked when pregnant. I had nausea, sure, but only a handful of times was it to the point where I thought I might puke...and it was never in the morning. I was an evening nausea girl. I never had Super Smell with this pregnancy (did a little with the first one), just a sensitivity to a few odors. With my first pregnancy I was exhausted, this one just a few days here and there.


6) Make Mr. Metamucil your BFF.

Taking Metamucil (I'd recommend the clear and free kind that dissolves in just about anything) can really help you if you get backed up...something that is common in early pregnancy but that people don't often talk about. Other things like colace, fruit, drinking tons of water, etc can also help.


7) The days before ultrasounds are nervewrecking.

Having had my miscarriage confirmed via seeing my empty uterus on the big screen, I was terrified going in for ultrasounds early on. The worst, by far, was the one where I knew there should be a heartbeat but I had no tangible proof that the heart was in fact beating. I was scared beyond words walking into that appointment. Seeing that beautiful flicker was absolutely amazing, there just are no words. I've gotten better about ultrasounds now that I can feel him and he's passed his anatomy scan, but I still worry a little.


8) When you get news that your child might have something that will make his/her life more challenging...nothing else matters.

OK, I kind of knew that in theory going into pregnancy, but processing the news that our little one had a 1:10 chance for Down Syndrome (courtesy of the Quad Screening) was hands down the hardest moment thus far for this pregnancy. I just wanted our child to have the best chance at the best life possible...and hearing s/he might face extra challenges was hard. It did put things into perspective though and helped me realize that as disconnected as I'd felt from this pregnancy (emotionally protecting myself from another loss, I think) that I really did love the baby already.


9) The amnio wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

It was scary seeing the needle in the amniotic sac on the ultrasound screen, but the procedure itself didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. The worst part of the whole experience, by far, was waiting for the results. Given that I'll be of advanced maternal age for future pregnancies, thus increasing my risks for several things the amnio can check for, I'll likely get an amnio instead of the Quad Screening in future pregnancies. So many of the other tests they can do just give you odds of a problem or can't rule things out completely. With amnio they are checking the DNA and you get a definitive answer. Sometimes just knowing one way or the other what is going on is necessary...at least it was for me.


10) The first movements don't always feel like flutters.

For me it felt like a bug was crawling inside of me. Why everyone else gets butterflies and I got a giant beetle...I have no idea. I've heard other ladies describe the feeling they had as it being like a vibrating cell phone.


11) Its totally normal to only feel movement intermittently before the start of 3rd Tri.

Even if your little one has been predictable as anything with their movements, when they are still relatively tiny, sometimes they can get themselves into a position where you can't feel them. Sometimes their sleep/awake patterns can change as well. If you have any concerns, absolutely call your doctor or go into Labor & Delivery (I did)...just go in knowing that in most cases the baby is fine.


12) Registries: Baby Bargains, Lucie's List and a game plan

Walking into a Big Box baby store as a first time parent is overwhelming. I found doing some research beforehand really helped me calm down. I highly recommend the book Baby Bargains (2011), available on Amazon for about $11 (image credit: http://www.amazon.com/). They literally go through and rate every product by pretty much every manufacturer and outline things like features, recalls, etc. The book will more than pay for itself. Seriously. Another thing I found helpful was http://www.lucieslist.com/. This website outlines the bare minimum of what you really need for baby. I don't agree with all the recommendations for big ticket items (a personal preference thing), but the listings of how many of this, that and the other thing you really need was helpful.


When it comes time to actually register, do what you can online. When you go to the store (there will likely be things you'll want to see in person), keep in mind that you don't have to do it all in one day. We did strollers and car seats one week, cribs and pack n'plays the next...you get the idea. You can always tweak it online at home. Oh and another important tip-If you get tired, that's a GREAT time to try out the gliders. Just sayin'.

My Miscarriage

I want to preface this post by saying that this IS NOT about my current pregnancy. It is about my first pregnancy, which occurred in November 2010. I purposely backdated this post (it's really May now) so that it would not appear on the front page of Bloomin' Babies and alarm people. I feel like it's important to get my story on here though for those going through similar, particularly since I referenced this blog when I was going through my loss, so here goes...


Please be warned that I am going to speak frankly, and sometimes graphically, about the experience. If either of those things bother you, please scroll on by this post. For those living through a miscarriage, knowing the nitty gritty details is important...and this post is for them.


I got my first BFP on November 9, 2010. For a few glorious days there were the first few signs of pregnancy. The slight nausea, super smell, exhaustion beyond words. That all changed around 2am on November 12.

I was woken up around 2am by excruciating cramps. They whipped around my right side, felt like they were following my abdominal muscle. The pain was so intense that it woke me from a dead sleep and had me crying out in pain. The cramps moved like lightning. There were two or three waves of them, then they disappeared. I never felt another pregnancy symptom after that moment. Not one.

The next morning I felt totally normal...which made me really uneasy since I'd been exhausted in days prior. Around noon, the spotting started. At first it was brownish red, by bedtime it was pink. When I woke up that morning, there was absolutely no question what was happening. Bright red blood. Lots of it. This was on November 13th, a Saturday. Since it was a weekend and we had company in town, I wasn't able to get to the doctor until Monday morning. I knew there was nothing they could do to save the pregnancy at that point, so I didn't feel it was urgent for me to get checked out. Nature was taking its course.

On Monday the 15th, I was able to reach my doctor and they got me in as soon as they could. By that time I was passing clots in addition to the heavy bleeding. Cramping was present as well, though it was never horrible, moderate mostly. There was tissue passing as well, including **graphic warning** the embryo. I'd never heard nor read that they embryo would be recognizable at the gestation I was (5w1d). It passed completely intact within its amniotic sac. That was the single image of the whole miscarriage that was burned into my brain. It literally looked like the 5 week image from the Pregnology website (www.pregnology.com), except with the sac. All told, it was about the size of a ping pong ball.

At my appointment on Monday, the doctors office was awesome. I didn't realize this until I went in for my current BFP, but they got me in immediately (so I didn't have to sit amongst the visibly pregnant ladies) and brought me in to a neutral exam room (as opposed to the one with Tinkerbell stickers in it I went into for this BFP). They asked me to describe what I'd experienced and I could tell by the look on the doctors face that my thought of miscarriage was right...especially when I described the embryo. She did a pelvic exam and confirmed an open cervix & heavy bleeding. The diagnosis given was "partial spontaneous abortion". (Don't even get me started on how awful it is to have the word 'abortion' given to you when you are having a miscarriage...) She said the 'partial' part was because it was still ongoing. She gave me paperwork to get an ultrasound done to confirm the progress of the miscarriage a few days later. They needed to make sure all of the "products of conception" got out so that there were not further problems down the road.

The ultrasound a couple of days later was not AT ALL like I'd imagined my first ultrasound would be. For starters, I kicked things off by warning the tech that things were a bloody mess down there when he asked me to get into the johnny. I have no idea how I held myself together in that ultrasound room. I think being a scientist helped...I found it fascinating that he could tell what was my ovaries, see the fallopian tubes, even see the bleeding. Physically there was some discomfort, particularly when the vagcam bumped the cervix. As it turned out, I was experiencing the best case scenario for a miscarriage. I completely fell apart when I got out to the car.

The doctor saw me again a couple of days later and confirmed that I'd now experienced a "Complete Spontaneous Abortion". My bleeding lasted 7 days total, with the worst happening in the first 3-4 days.

There were all sorts of aches that went with the miscarriage that caught be by surprise so I want to be sure to mention them. For a couple days in the thick of the miscarriage my cervix and uterus felt really irritated. For about a week after that, my ovaries just ached and ached.

My cycle returned exactly on time, 29 days later...though as charting post miscarriage would show, the ovulation date and length of my luteal phase changed post miscarriage (changes in your cycle are common, as it turns out). For the first couple of post-loss cycles, things were haywire physically. One month my boobs ached excruciatingly during the 2ww. Another month my ovulation pains were intense (I occasionally feel them, but never more than a twinge...this was waaay more than a twinge).

Emotionally during the whole miscarriage experience I just felt broken. When I got the BFP it felt like it was my job to protect this little life and I'd failed. I felt like I was apparently incapable of doing something that women have been able to do since the beginning of time. There was an incredible amount of fear that subsequent pregnancies would have the same ending and that this was the first sign that we would have a much more difficult road to having a family. I'd never realized until I was experiencing it how incredibly hard it is to go through even the earliest of miscarriages.

I realized that most likely there was something wrong with the baby from the moment of conception (~50% of all miscarriage prior to 6 weeks are due to chromosomal abnormalities rendering the baby incompatible with life). Thing is, hearing that there was probably something wrong with the baby and it was probably for the best wasn't comforting. My first thought when I was told that (and I'm being completely honest here) was, "Great, so you're telling me we can make little mutant babies..." Hearing that there was likely a chromosomal defect to my 34 year old eggs was far from a comfort.

One of the only things that really gave me comfort, was thinking of the people I know who had a loss of their own and had gone on to have one (or more) healthy babies. People like my friend K, who had a late 1st Tri loss and went on to have three kids. Or my friend S, who had a chemical pregnancy and at the time of my loss was 20 weeks pregnant (she's since delivered a little girl). Or my mother, who had a miscarriage just before she conceived my youngest brother. The hope that their stories gave me is why I'm sharing my story with you. I feel that its important to talk about pregnancy loss. Its important to remove the taboo. Its important for those going through it to know that they aren't alone, that this is (unfortunately) quite common...and most importantly that it is in no way their fault.

12 Weeks!

(Image source: http://tinyurl.com/mua5ws )

By now, nearly all of your baby's organs, structures and systems are fully formed. The heart begins pumping several quarts of blood through your baby's body every day. Your baby has also begun to develop nerves and a spinal cord, allowing him to feel some types of pain. While your baby's brain is not the same size it will be at birth, it does have the same structure. Fingers and toes have separated and hair and nails continue to grow. Your baby is approximately 2.5 - 3.5 inches and weighs about 12 - 14 grams.

Also, the external genitals can now show definite signs of male and female gender. Before, where there was only reflex movement, your baby now moves spontaneously and at random, although his movements are still too slight to be felt. With the use of a Doppler, you may be able to hear your baby's heart beat at this office visit. It will sound very fast, similar to the sound of a running horse's hooves. Once you hear this sound, you can rest assured that your risk of miscarriage is greatly reduced. (Source: http://tinyurl.com/4ygshag )

How far along: 12 weeks

Total weight change: +3

Maternity clothes: I finally pulled the trigger and got some. I'm not in them constantly, but man are they comfy!

Stretch Marks: No

Movement: Not that I can feel

Sleep: Generally sleeping pretty well

Best Moment This Past Week: The best moment in the past week was, hands down, getting to see Baby Cactus Bud during an ultrasound. I think I exhaled for the first time in a loooong time when I saw the flicker of a heartbeat and the wiggling around. It really made it real to me that there might actually be a baby at the end of this journey.

Most Difficult Moment This Past Week: The most difficult moment in the past week was, hands down, the days leading up to the ultrasound. For some reason I was pretty zen the day of and day before (kind of a 'what will be, will be..at least I'll finally know' attitude), but the days before that I was a mess. The day of I was really nervous from when I walked into the building until the ultrasound. My blood pressure was even about 15 points higher than usual (its usually super low), I actually commented on that to the nurse.

Belly Button In or Out: Definitely still in

Cravings/Aversions: Dairy. I'm a milk fiend! Trying to steer clear of ice cream (its my weakness and I've been told to keep the weight gain on the low side). Instead I'm downing milk, cheese & today even pudding like its going out of style.

Symptoms: Aside from some notable nausea today, I've not had morning sickness in the last week. The boobs have been pretty tender today. I'm wondering if they might be about to grow again. Am hoping they keep growing to a minimum as they were a D to start with. Fingers crossed on that one! I've been having round ligament pain a little more regularly. Best of all, I haven't spotted from the ultrasound and attempted pap last week. I have no idea how this is possible as a BM can bring on spotting with me sometimes and I saw the samplers she was using in there and they looked like something out of a horror movie. You know what though, I'll take it! Adding on some symptoms a few days after posting this. I've noticed a pretty major change in my symptoms as this week has gone on. The growth cramps in my ute are much more frequent (every 36ish hours instead of once a week). My boobs are tender as anything and I'm pushing the limits of what my current bra can take, ordered band extenders yesterday. I've also noticed I'm getting tired as anything in the afternoon, and I rarely had pregnancy coma before now. Pretty sure the bambino has reached the developmental transition into 2nd Tri :-D

What I'm Looking Forward To: The NT Scan on Thursday and telling family. I'm planning on sending out an Easter card to my parents with a note on it saying something to the effect of "It seemed fitting to celebrate a day that is about a miracle by telling you that another miracle is on its way" and then signing it with our names and Baby Lastname (expected mid-October). Will probably put a little arrow or something to the date to say Happy Birthday to my mom. Her 55th birthday is just a few days before our EDD. Planning on getting that card in the mail the day of the NT scan. Once they've called me so I know they know, we'll tell the rest of our immediate family via email (Mr CB has said he's OK with his two sets of parents finding out via email). We're telling most of our family and close friends via email because we live thousands of miles away from everyone. So hard to believe that we're less than a week away from spilling the beans!

Take care,

It's ALIVE!

I'm very happy to tell you all that todays ultrasound went well. Not only was there a heartbeat (cue my exhaling for the first time in weeks), but Baby Cactus Bud was wiggling all around too. It doesn't show in the picture very well, but at different points during the scan I could see all four limbs, the spine, even a hand that seemed to be going to the face. It was really surreal to see the image on the screen. I seriously could've watched it all day.

This is the third different doctor I've been to for this pregnancy, not counting the ER trip. Thankfully from now on (hopefully) I'll be going to the same building with the same 'team'. I'd like to try and get the same doctor if I can as I liked her, but I'd like to meet them all since I don't know who'll be delivering when the time comes. With the change in doctor came a change in my due date. Again. I'm now back to October 15th, the date that comes up if you go by my last menstrual period. October 15th is also exactly what the baby was measuring, 11w5d.

The bulk of the appointment was going over my history. I'm happy to say that not only did the doctor have a clue about my history, but the nurse that weighed me in did too. I was totally expecting to have to tell them about the miscarriage, it was nice to only have to add on how far along I was at the time.

After the history was done, they tried to do an annual exam. I had one at my civilian doctors in January...but they don't have access to the records. Whatever. The ultrasound was going to be vaginal anyways, so I knew I was already going to spot. If you *need* to do a pap, knock yourself out. I warned them that I think I have a sensitive cervix and that I was pretty sure it would bleed with that...but they wanted to try. Lets just say that the doctors reaction to how sensitive my cervix is involved the word "Wow". She ended up throwing in the towel on the pap smear (so much blood it would come back inconclusive from the lab) and gave me paperwork for my medical records to be sent to them. Ha! Told ya! I've now been officially diagnosed as having a 'very sensitive cervix'. As much as it sucks to know I'll be spotting pretty bad in the next day or so, I'm pretty happy that they came to the same conclusion I did about the spotting and that its nothing that will threaten the pregnancy. Unfortunately, she says I'm stuck with it for the duration of the pregnancy. Kind of a bummer, but I'll take it in a heartbeat if it means a baby in the end.

I asked the doctor how my heart-shaped uterus will play into things moving forward. She said that with anatomy like mine, the trick is usually getting pregnant. This surprised me as I seem to get pregnant pretty easily (50% of the months we tried), its staying pregnant that is more challenging for me. From what she said it didn't sound like she anticipates my having higher chances for early delivery or a c-section. Very good news.

She said all my bloodwork came back normal (at the first appointment they took A LOT of blood and a urine sample). I was sent for another blood draw today, this one to go with the NT scan which is next week.

I ended up having a job interview this afternoon, so my shopping spree for clothes that actually fit had to be put off till tomorrow. Looking forward to it more than I thought I would. I'll also likely be pulling the trigger on a home doppler soon too. I figure it will ease my worries in the month between doctor visits and will come in handy at the end of the pregnancy when the kid can't move much.

My next appointment is April 7th for the NT scan. The next regular appointment I have is May 9th. That will just be a doppler check and Q&A time.

9 Weeks

(Photo credit: http://www.pregnology.com/)

Since my EDD got bumped to Oct 17th, that moves the week marks to Mondays.

Baby is about the size of an olive this week. The tail at the bottom of your baby's spinal cord has shrunk and almost disappeared by this week. In contrast, your baby's head has been growing — it's quite large compared with the rest of the body and it curves onto the chest. By this week, your baby measures about 0.6 to 0.7 inches (16 to 18 millimeters) from crown to rump and weighs around 0.1 ounces (3 grams). The tip of the nose has developed and can be seen in profile, and flaps of skin over the eyes have begun to shape into eyelids, which will become more noticeable in the next few weeks.

The digestive system continues to develop. The anus is forming, and the intestines are growing longer. In addition, internal reproductive features, such as testes and ovaries, start to form this week.

Your baby may make some first movements this week as muscles develop. If you had an ultrasound now, those movements might even be visible, but you won't be able to feel them for several more weeks.*

(Image and development info* credit: http://tinyurl.com/5uccd5v )

How far along: 9 weeks
Total weight change: +2. Bloat
Maternity clothes: Still no, but Bella Band is beginning to be more comfy than a belt. Pretty much I'm in the "Is she pregnant, or just fat?" category.
Stretch Marks: No
Movement: Too early
Sleep: I've been sleeping fine other than being woken up by having to pee or being too hot.
Best Moment This Past Week: Having my first appt and getting the u/s scheduled to see the heartbeat. Finally.
Most Difficult Moment This Past Week: Finding out I apparently have a misshapen uterus and worrying about how that could impact this baby...and that I have to wait until months end to see a heartbeat
Belly Button In or Out: Definitely still in
Cravings/Aversions: Still no eggs and BBQ sauce. I don't like being around raw meat lately either.
Symptoms: I'm still lucking out. Nausea is regular (similar to motion sickness), but still no puking. Irritable (just ask my husband!), bloated, constipation if I'm not careful. Spotting with disturbances 'downstairs'...including bright red spotting after sex. The bright red part about gave me a heart attack even though I knew spotting was likely.
What I'm Looking Forward To: The u/s that is light years away. Finally letting the cat out of the bag in early April.

Heart Shaped Box

Before I go any further, PLEASE tell me someone gets the song reference in the title of the post. I'll feel really old if nobody does.

I had my first appointment with my new provider this morning. All-in-all it was as expected. We went over history. She estimated my due date. Based on the u/s that I had in the ER a few weeks back apparently we're looking at October 17th rather than the 15th. A couple of days later than LMP is expected due to my late ovulation (see chart), so whatever. They scheduled me for my first shot at hearing the heartbeat (FINALLY!), and then sent me to the vampires in the lab for blood draws and peeing in a cup.


As of right now, my first chance at seeing a heartbeat won't be until March 31st. I'll be about 11.5 weeks. Ironically, I'll be getting a NT Scan at a different hospital (the u/s tech that does them at the military hospital is deployed) at roughly the same time (11-13 weeks). I'll be waiting what feels like an eternity for an u/s, and then getting two in two weeks time. Figures.



******

Now for the big news of the day. Apparently I have what they are deeming a Bicornate Uterus. I knew at my ER visit at 6 weeks that they were looking at the possibility, but I had no idea it was official. I'm honestly kind of suspecting its the fibroid I've been told is there growing and distorting things, but they are right to be conservative.


For those that don't know, a bicornate uterus is basically one with a partial division down the center. There are two common shapes to a bicornate uterus. Heart-shaped and two horned. I'm the heart-shaped variety. I don't have an image of my own yet, so here is the closest I could find on the internet to what I saw during my u/s.

A three-dimensional image that demonstrates a heart-shaped bicornuate uterus. Fundal indentation is well seen (arrow), as well as the widely divergent horns (asterisks) with a single cervix (arrowhead). (Image and explanation courtesy of: http://tinyurl.com/4gnr7zd)

From what I've been able to find online, the biggest risks are:
*Miscarriage if implantation happens in a region of the uterus where growth would be too restricted.

*Early delivery due to space restrictions.

*Cesarean section due to breech/transverse presentation. Basically the shape of the the uterus can restrict the baby being able to flip into a head-down position for delivery.

I've also found examples on the internet of women going full term and doing natural deliveries, so I'm just taking it as something they'll be watching closely. We'll deal with potential complications as we go. I've already got a list going for questions to ask the doctor. Right now I'm just trying to remind myself that this is the same pregnancy as it was yesterday, I'll just be watched more closely now. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was concerned though. Its scary being told your pregnancy is now deemed risky enough that they are sending you to the Big Dogs to be watched more closely. The same place that you were told just weeks ago was for "high risk" only. *Gulp*

Sooooo, that pity party might have been a bit premature.

My day just got worse after I posted on Thursday– meltdowns left and right.  I was wishing I had tested so that the temp drop wouldn’t have been such a shock.  I decided I would test in the morning, get a BFN, and that would be that.  

Instead, in the morning my temp was up.  I tried not to get my hopes up as I tested with an Internet cheapie.  As the dye was still moving, I saw a line.  

I ran into the bedroom and yelled for Mr. Teacher Bud to get in the bathroom and put on his glasses.  He jumped up, startled and thought for sure I had seen a big spider.  This wasn’t helped when I said “I think I see something!”  Once he figured out that I was talking about an HTP, he was a bit annoyed that I woke him up.  I’ve “thought” that I’ve seen something before. 

But he saw it too.  So we whipped out a digital and another internet cheapie just for good measure.  The wait for the digital to pop up seemed like the longest wait of my life.  

 Big Freaking Positive.  It was unreal.  I cried, and DH thought I was nuts, but that's ok.  I was terrified because we had gotten news that my progesterone was low the day before.  I called the obgyn on my 2 hr drive to work (freezing rain - thank goodness for a 2-hr delay at school!) My obgyn wasn't in, but they had another one prescribe progesterone suppositories.  They're a lovely cream that I get to shoot up near my cervix every day.  Fun.  But hey, if it keeps this baby safely inside of me, I'll do anything.  

I'm excited, but also terrified.  Not of having a baby, but of losing this one.  I have an appointment on Wednesday to get blood work done, and hopefully the beta numbers will be good, and we can breathe a little bit.  Until then, we are cautiously optimistic.  Any positive thoughts you can send our way for this baby to stick will be much appreciated. 

Job Interview!

Photo credit goes to http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/.

Hilarious stuff.

This is pretty much me this afternoon. I got a call asking if I could come in for a job interview on Monday!

The Background: In August I left my job in Virginia so that I could actually live with my husband again. We'd lived apart for 8+ months courtesy of the Navy. Part of that time Mr CB was underway and the rest we were living bi-coastally.

I've only had one interview, and that was by phone as I was on the East Coast still. It wasn't a good fit.

Needless to say being sent rejection letters from every place under the sun is pretty depressing. Especially when it continues for months.

The Scoop: The job is a PT gig at a local department store. Something I'm totally confident I can handle as I've done most of what was on the job description back in my high school and college days. Yeah, I'm over qualified. I have a BA degree and 10 years experience in my field. But you know what? My field isn't hiring right now. Even if it was, I work with hazardous waste and I literally can't go on those job sites if I'm pregnant.

This PT job is actually a potential really good fit for once the baby arrives as it would allow me to be home with the baby while my husband is at work and work a few evening/weekend shifts each week.

Financially, we can get by on my husbands income. It will be tight, but doable. My having an income will allow a little breathing room. It also will help occupy my days and help me feel a little more like I'm part of the world. This gap in my employment is my first time since I was about 16 years old that I've not had an income of some sort coming in. Its been an adjustment.


The Question: When would you tell them about the pregnancy?

I know they legally can't ask during the interview. If the subject comes up, I'll politely deflect. That said, when should I let them know? When an offer is on the table? Once we're out of 1st Tri? Once I'm showing?

I'm really uncomfortable telling people in real life about the pregnancy this early. My own mother doesn't even know yet and we're pretty close. I'm having a hard time with the thought of bringing it up to a complete stranger before I've even seen a heartbeat...but I don't know what the right thing is to do.

I'd love to hear what you would do in this situation, assuming they offer the job that is (please, please, please).

7 Weeks

I want to extend a warm welcome to our two new buds: Cupcake Bud and Teacher Bud. I'm looking forward to following your journeys.

I also want to apologize in advance if this post is a little disjointed as I've had a helluva sinus headache today. This pretty much sums up how I've felt all day

(Photo credit: http://tinyurl.com/484vr9h )

One of the joys of 1st Tri is that if a medicine might actually work to relieve something that is bothering you, you probably can't take it. I'm not complaining in the least, I'd take this headache any day over another miscarriage, but it has made today a challenging one. This will pass though, I'm just repeating that to myself.

I'm pretty much in shock to have made it to 7 weeks, especially after the spotting I had last week. Thankfully the spotting from last Monday has stayed away save for a few tinges of pink the last few days. I know that is par for the course after a trans vaginal ultrasound though, so that little bit of spotting I didn't worry about. Symptoms have been picking up a little this week. I'm still lucking out in the morning sickness department. No tossing my cookies yet, just mild nausea. Its been a little more regular this past week though, which is a good thing. Since my ER visit I've been feeling more growing pains down there. (Are those round ligament pains? Do they have a name?) Just mild cramping in the ute area, nothing major. I used to mostly get it in the middle of the night, but the last few days its started going on in the day too. The girls have gotten more tender the last couple days too, and I swear my left nip is changing a little. Why just the left is beyond me, but whatever. I haven't really had much issue with fatigue lately. Naps are always welcome, but its not that overwhelming MUST SLEEP NOW feeling. I've noticed my hair is oilier than usual too. Just an observation.

I finally ironed out my insurance situation. The bad news is that I'm out of luck in terms of going to my civilian doctor. The good news is that I have the ball rolling to get things going with the military doctors. I'm bummed I'm having to adjust to another new hospital and system as I've just gotten used to my civilian doctor (we moved here this past fall). Some other disappointing news with that is that the first appointment they can get me in for isn't until March 10th, and that's just a meet & greet to go over paperwork and history. I'll be about 9 weeks at that point. They won't even schedule my first "official" ultrasound until that appointment is done. So, the soonest I'll possibly get to see the heartbeat is 10 weeks, nearly a month after this past bleeding scare. That's best case scenario, it could easily be more like 12 weeks.

I'd really like have the appointment sooner than later both to see the heartbeat (something I've never seen before) and because I'm itching to tell my mother about the pregnancy. I just can't bring myself to do so before I see proof of a heartbeat (the miscarriage broke her heart). Its really hard not blurting it out to her when we talk on the phone and she asks how I'm doing. We're planning on telling all of our immediate family at the end of 1st Tri, so hopefully we'll have had that ultrasound by then.

I guess that's about it. I'm thankful each and every night to have made it through another day still pregnant.

Best of luck to those testing in the coming days!

Spotting Again (Updated with u/s pic)

Pretty much the same exact story as when it happened exactly two weeks ago, reddish brown spotting when I wipe. Thankfully, it seems to be winding down a bit...but its still freaking me out.

I've already spoken to the on-call doctor at my OBs office and the doc recommended taking it easy this evening (feet up, drink lots of water, no lifting or exercise) and give their office a call in the morning. Apparently they can see me if there is bleeding as its considered emergency care.

I'd really like to get in and get checked out tomorrow, no matter which hospital I have to go to. Preferably an ultrasound so they can find the source of the bleeding and (please, please, please) maybe see a little heartbeat.

Please keep Baby Cactus Bud in your thoughts tonight.

Update: I spoke with my doctor this morning and she said I needed to be checked to rule out an ectopic. Soooo, I got to spend the WHOLE day today in the ER. Awesome.

Results were mostly good news. Namely that Baby CB is where its supposed to be AND that its measuring correctly. I'm 6 weeks even going by my ovulation date (6w3d by LMP), and the little bugger was measuring 6 weeks.

There wasn't a heartbeat yet, but I'm trying to convince myself that is because its just a smidgen early. I know its roughly 50/50 odds to see it that early. I'm trying to take the measurements as a good sign and hope the future holds a heartbeat.

Here is a blurry first picture of Baby CB. The black blob is the amniotic sac and the white line in the blob is Baby CB.

(Yes, I'm a dork and took a pic of the screen because I knew they wouldn't give me a print out)

6 Weeks!

(Image credit: http://archive.energyfarms.net/node/376 )

I can't believe my ticker for this pregnancy is now on Sweet Pea. Never made it past Appleseed last time. I can't even tell you how good it looked to see an image I'd never seen before AND see it say 6 weeks. Awesome.

Not a whole lot has happened in the last couple days. Only real news it that I might have experienced my first real bought with morning sickness all day yesterday. I'm still not convinced thats what it was though. I felt warm (to myself, thermometer was fine) and was pretty nauseous all.day.long. No puking, but that doesn't say much as I have a really strong stomach. Is it bad that I'm hoping its the pregnancy both to have a 'sign' things are progressing and because I don't want to deal with my husband being sick? Woke up feeling 100% today. So strange how things come and go.

Hoping all is going well in there. This is such a weird stage. I'm past the initial excitement of the BFP, but it feels like I'm years away from getting to see Baby CB on an u/s.

Speaking of seeing Baby CB on u/s, I got news yesterday (after an HOUR on hold) about the status of my referral. Rejected. I'm going to contest it next week, we'll see how that goes. As a back up plan though right after I contest it I'm going to go set up my appointments(hopefully including the first u/s) at the military clinic. I'm pretty much figuring the contesting will fall through, and that way I'll have the ball rolling for getting things going with the new hospital. If there's one thing I've learned as a military spouse its to roll with the punches...the only constant is change. Why should healthcare be any different? *sigh* Right now I'm just trying to be thankful that regardless of where I go for treatment, I have healthcare.

Staying Positive

So yesterday, after my spotting scare, I spotted a tad bit more (less than the first time). It stopped again after a couple of wipes, and was extremely light to begin with. I decided to go to bed relatively early so I can rest...

When I woke up this morning (on a side note, slightly nauseous- still nauseous) and used the bathroom, I had very light brown spotting when I wiped. I haven't had any cramping and it's so light it only appears on the paper after wiping... I guess this is a good sign. Please keep us and our baby in your thoughts... I am praying that everything continues to go well, and that this baby sticks!!! Thanks to those of you that have been keeping track of my journey and have been sending your love :)

I am a bit confused as to how far along I am... All the sites have me at 5 weeks but with 35 day cycles (to the day) and ovulation occurring around 1/24-1/26, I don't understand where that puts me. I guess I will find out soon enough!




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Cherry Bud's Guide to 1st Tri

I will officially be 14 weeks this Monday, which means that I have been out of First Tri for one glorious week. To commemorate the blessed event, here is my how-to guide for things you need to know about your first trimester.

On Food and Nutrition....

- Don't plan meals at this point. My stomach was so touch and go that an entire chicken went bad in the freezer before I found that I could eat meat again...this week. Just eat what sounds good right this minute, even if that thing is fruit roll-ups for two days. Which I totally did NOT do. Of course. Because that would be terribly unhealthy of me.

- Because you really should be at least attempting to eat healthy, try and find things that your body can handle that will give you what you need. I couldn't do meat or most vegetables, but I could do peanut butter and V8 juice, which helped supplement.

- Embrace the moment that you encounter a once favorite food and find yourself retreating to the bathroom. It's your body saying "You really are pregnant! For reals!". For me it was Chef B R Dee, which claims to give a full serving of vegetables, and who am I to argue with a Chef? They went to school for this, they know these things.

On Doctor's Appointments...

- This is said over and over, but WRITE DOWN any questions or concerns you have; Pregnancy Brain is real and it will steal all your thoughts.

- If your DH is with you for that first ultrasound where you see the babies heartbeat, warn the poor man that it's going to be an internal. Poor Mr. CB was completely unprepared for the moment that they stuck a very large camera..you...know...up there. So was I, actually. It's very large, you see.

- Crying upon seeing your LO's heartbeat is completely acceptable.

On your Body...

- Yea, your boobs are going to get enormous. You are truly not prepared for how very enourmous they are going to be. They will be "Honey, I'm applying to be a porn star!" Huge. Except you shouldn't apply to be a porn star, because the guys in those movies are always feeling up on the girls, and anyone who comes within touching distance of my bazoombas is going to be attacked by something resembling a half-angry-pregnant-woman-half-hungry-puma. I went up a cup and band size by the time I was eleven weeks, and I'm already needing to go up another band size and possibly another cup size. Mr. CB is loving it. Me, not so much.

- Sex is...umm..iffy at best. There have been times when nothing has sounded worse to me than having anything to do with MR. CB's nether regions. Then, out of the blue, my body will say "SEX!! NOW!!". Usually when DH is not home, and by the time he gets home, I have reverted to an asexual, schlubby mess again.

- No matter what sport or physical activity you were into before you got pregnant, pooping just became your new Olympic sport. You win a gold medal if you can manage the deed in under fifteen minutes and with no tears. Seriously, I was late to work this morning for this very bullet point, and I wasn't taking home a gold medal, either.

On your brain...

I actually can't remember what I was going to write here, so I may go cry for no reason.

All in all, it's not an easy thing, first tri. It's tough, but it's beyond worth it when you pass that twelve week mark and you realize people weren't lying when they said you get a little energy back and you suddenly find you can eat again. Plus, your belly is starting to show, and nothing replaces the feeling of looking down and saying, "Hello, little one!" Even though you know they can't hear you yet.

I apologize for the lack of belly pictures. We got a new camera for Christmas, I just keep forgetting we own it.

Lots of love and baby dust,

The excitement is really starting to build...

I was able to make our 1st appointment with the OB/GYN. This is not the first time that I see this Dr., but I haven't seen her since I was a single, unmarried, woman. When I switched insurances, she wasn't covered so I had my annual with another Dr. who was. Now that I am on a different, better, Health Insurance Plan, I can go back to seeing her. Coincidentally she is sharing a practice with the Dr. I was seeing recently, so it all works out :)

Our 1st Appointment is February 28th at 3pm. We are going to confirm pregnancy, check on everything, and hear the heartbeat for the 1st time!!!!! Mr. DBud is VERY excited, and I am ECSTATIC!!!!! We have decided to wait until after that appointment to tell our Parents and Families. We want to make sure everything is ok, and confirm everything, before we get everyone all excited.

This also gives us a chance to decide exactly what we want to do to share the news... I was thinking about getting a cute baby bib that says I love Grandma and I love Grandpa and packing it with a sonogram picture or picture of the positive test... Something like that. How did you all share the big news??






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Smudge is SO Grounded

I really can’t complain about this pregnancy so far. I’ve had nausea, I’ve been dizzy and I’ve definitely been extremely fatigued. But I can’t complain. If barely being able to hold my head up is the worst of my 1st trimester, then I definitely can’t complain.

More than anything else, I have never spotted. Not once. Not a hint of it.

So this morning, when I saw that blood on the toilet paper, on the last day of my 1st trimester, I just about lost my mind.

First I called my husband, told him I was spotting. Then I called my doctor’s nurse, and was barely able to hold my voice together. I told her what had happened, and that I knew everything was probably fine, but was there any way she could fit me in tomorrow, just to get checked. Thankfully, Nurse M knows about everything we’ve been through. She was mostly worried about me. She told me that she could hear me shaking on the phone. She was going to call Dr Loh (who was at the hospital) and call me back. Meanwhile, I called a good friend who would keep me occupied until Nurse M called me back.

When Nurse M called back, to my surprise, they weren’t going to fit me in for an ultrasound tomorrow. She was sending me immediately to the radiology place they affiliate with for an ultrasound. She faxed a prescription and said they were waiting for me, and would take me as soon as I got there (it was about 40 minutes away).

Our sonographer was Linda, and she was wonderful. Seriously kid gloves. Exactly what I needed. As soon as she put the wand on my belly, we saw a little arm pop up. All I wanted was to see the heartbeat, but Linda kept saying that with all the movement, everything was fine. Then we saw the perfect heartbeat beating away at 173. And then I breathed.

The ultrasound was amazing. 15 minutes of watching baby acrobatics. And Smudge was MOVING. All over the place. Cartwheels, somersaults, the works! Kicking and waving up a storm. It was great to see. And as soon as I saw s/he was okay, I pointed at the monitor and said “you’re grounded”, and the baby promptly raised it’s arm.

I’m fairly certain my child just gave me the finger.

Measurement-wise, we’re ahead in everything. The head is measuring 6 days ahead, abdomen 1 day and femur 3 days. I even got a NT sneak peek… the baby wouldn’t cooperate well, but from what she was able to see, she said she saw no significance to the area at all. So, although highly unofficial, I’ll take it.

Linda did find all three fibroids… so they’re still there, but the largest is hanging off the back of my uterus, so that’s fine. The two smaller ones are embedded in the wall, but not interfering with anything.

Then I saw the little black patch at the bottom of the screen. I’m a nurse. I’m not an idiot. I know what blood looks like on an ultrasound. I pointed it out to Linda and asked her if it was a subchorionic hematoma, and she said that, yes, that’s what she would call it.

Well, now we have our answer.

I’m 100% convinced that the HORRIBLE day I had at work yesterday, where I was on my feet for 12 hours, wasn’t able to sit hardly at all and didn’t drink nearly as much water as I would have wanted to, combined with the SCH is the reason why I spotted today.

Needless to say, I’m not going in tomorrow. I already called out.

So, here I am, sitting on my comfy chair with my nalgene bottle filled with water and the remote. Smudge is waving at me from the ultrasound picture on my right.

Today is the last day of my first trimester, and I absolutely love my baby.

It’s real. I’m pregnant. And I’m going to do whatever I have to in order to assure this baby is born healthy.

What I learned being KU - the 1st Tri Edition!

Since my dear dear friend, Glow Bud had her LO, and "graduated" from blogging on Bloomin' Babies. I decided as a tribute to her, that I'd carry on her tradition of What I learned being KTFU. I always enjoyed reading her's so, hopefully mine will be just as entertaining & everyone will enjoy reading my thoughts about each trimester as well! She did her first one at 10 weeks, but I'm starting a little late...I'm already in the 2nd tri, but I am not so far away from the 1st tri that I don't remember the things I learned & thought about. So, here goes...

• Once people know you are pregnant, they will want to touch your stomach...even when you're only 8 weeks (ahem, my MIL) & not even close to showing yet. It's just fat people. No, my stomach wasn't completely flat before & what you're feeling right now - it 'aint baby. It's disturbing, but sometimes you have to roll with it I guess. I know it's gonna REALLY freak me out when strangers start doing it....maybe I should buy this shirt (click to make larger; Photo Credit)? --->
• Gagging due to a person's odor (which may not necessarily be bad - just something you can't tolerate at the time) while on public transportation is rude yes, but something that is sometimes unavoidable. Sorry people!
  
• If buying that cute little unisex onesie you passed by at target will help you stop thinking about all of the "what If's" the first few months of pregnancy bring, then buy it! And it's so cute too...how can you resist the cuteness?! :o)
• Not buying one of those at home Doppler thingys was probably a good idea for yours truly. You see my name right? If I would have been unable to find Baby WB's h/b before my 12 week appointment (when my OB's very experienced nurse practitioner couldn't even find it), I think I would have went insane...literally. It would have been a definite emergency room visit for the Worry Buds. And, now I can spend all the money I saved on not paying a $40 rental fee per month for the Doppler on cute baby/nursery stuff!! And hopefully I'll start feeling the LO soon enough & at that point I hear you don't worry so much about what's going on in there. (Photo Credit)
  
• I'd like to reiterate Glow Bud's very pertinent point about not making long road trips when you have no control over how much you will be stopping. Yeah, I planned a 4 hour road trip to NYC (on one of those big commuter buses) when I was like & 7 weeks pregnant. Yeah, I was dying trying to hold my pee & almost threw up multiple times b/c if I didn't eat exactly when I needed to I'd feel sick. On the way home, I demanded that we be dropped off at an earlier stop in our city b/c, "I was not getting back on that bus." I told Mr. Worry Bud that he might have to just get back on the bus & meet up with me later if the driver refused to give us our bags at the earlier stop, lol.

• Don't try & rationalize your emotional (and by emotional, I mean cRaZy) outbursts to your husband. He just thinks you're crazy. He doesn't see a baby or a bump, so he doesn't understand the whole pregnancy can cause often extrememly irrational emotional outbursts. Just apologize when it's over & give your hubby a big hug & kiss! (Photo Credit)
• If you're hungry - eat...even if you feel like you just ate a couple hours ago. Believe me, it'll make you feel SO much better.
• If your boobs/nipples itch, scratch 'em. Even if you're in public...just find a way to discretely scratch them. Oh & speaking of your girls - pay no mind to how large the veins in your breasts get - it literally looked like someone punched me in the boob & gave me a big bruise all of a sudden one morning. Weird, but it happens, I hear due to increased blood volume in your body while pregnant. :oP
• Play the "pregnancy card" whenever necessary with your husband - hey, this is his baby too (that he wanted just as bad as you did) & he can pick up some of the slack if you're too exhausted to . In my case, it was usually cooking, cleaning, or walking the dog. (Photo Credit)
• Don't feel like you need to rush to make all the decisions that come with being a first time parent: home- or center-based daycare, nursery furniture, bedding, strollers, medicated or natural birth, cloth or disposable diapers, etc., etc. Take your time, weigh your options. Don't feel like you always have to have an opinion one way or another right away.
• Every 1st time mom worries, but try to not let the worry consume you. It's very hard sometimes, but when you aren't worrying, it feels soooo good. Like a weight being lifted off your shoulders. And also, I think in the back of your head you will always worry about your child - even when they're 19 & in college. For different reasons, yes. But it all boils down to one thing: the immense & overwhelming sense of responsibility & love you have for them. Even when they are only the size of a poppy seed. (Photo Credit) It's normal!

And that's all I got for now! I really had fun doing this. Maybe for the 2nd tri edition, I'll start writing them down beforehand so I don't sit in front of my computer screen for an hour trying to think of everything, lol. I'm sure I missed a few things.

My 16 week appointment is on Friday, woot! Hoping to schedule our BIG u/s for 18 weeks, which is the earliest my OB allows their patients to schedule it. Technically the day I want to schedule it for is 17w6d, so hopefully they won't give me any problems on that. Please send prayers that the appointment goes well & we have no scares like we did at our last one. :o/ <--- see that? WORRYING. It never ends. Hope everyone has a great week!