27 Week Update

I've been somewhat Missing In Action here because my family is going through a terrible time right now. Unfortunately, my Father-In-Law was diagnosed with Leukemia. We have been through a whirlwind these past few days and it has been hard to focus on anything, much less blogging. Right now, we don't have much information other than the diagnosis which is definitely scary. Any thoughts and prayers the Bloomin' Babies readers can spare would be much appreciated.

As far as the pregnancy, things are still moving along well. I haven't taken a picture the past two weeks so I think I am getting bigger but don't have pictures to prove it. The baby has bruised my ribs and I am in SO much pain all the time now. It really sucks, sometimes I am so frustrated by the pain I just cry. My back has started hurting as well, the one Tylenol a day just isn't helping anymore. I don't think there is anything else I can do to ease my pain though.

I feel hungry all the time but I am paranoid of gaining too much weight. I try to eat healthy but I am not sure I am doing the best job at that. I do eat a lot of cereal, lately Raisin Bran, and therefore a lot of milk. I am trying to get all the nutrients I need for the baby but it is definitely a challenge.

Our Bradley classes start next week and I am really excited. I have been reading the course book, Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way and am excited for Mr. BB to learn the techniques. The teacher seems really great through the phone calls and emails so I think we are going to learn a lot. I have to admit I am a little paranoid, they say that 97% of Bradley moms go med-free. I really don't want to be in the 3% who don't make it. I know Mr. BB will be great I am just worried I will give up. The Bradley Method is all about relaxing and I am stressing about not being able to relax through the contractions. I am sure stressing about that doesn't help, haha!

I have my Glucose test next week as well. I really hope I pass, I was fine with my daughter so I am using that to remind myself that I will probably be ok.

I will have more updates next week after my appointment. After that appointment I go every two weeks already! Sometimes I feel like I still have a long way to go but getting to appointments every two weeks makes it seem close.

All the best,

28 Weeks

(Image Credit: http://diffusibility.com/28-3.html)

Seeing as its the last day of my 28th week, I think it's high time I put up an update. I'll do another post later about the shower and such.

I had my 28 week appointment today. He had a heartbeat, which is always good to hear. Apparently I'm measuring appropriately...the doctor never told me the number but presumably she'd have done so if it were too much or too little. She asked about birth control after the baby, which sort of took me by surprise. The only things I didn't like about the appointment were that I again felt rushed with this doctor and the weight gain. I've decided spreading my remaining appointments amongst her and the 6 other doctors who could be on call in the practice on delivery day is probably for the best. I had an appointment with one of the other OBs last week and felt much less rushed. With the weight, I was up 2 pounds in a single week. I know its in large part due to eating horribly while we were gone for the past week, and I know I'm within the normal range still...but its hard to see I weigh the same as my husband right now. I've now graduated from monthly OB appointments to biweekly. Woot!

How far along: 28 weeks and 6 days

Total weight change: Ugh. I had my 28 week appointment today and I'm up 2 pounds in the last week alone. I'm blaming it on eating lousy when traveling. I think my grand total to date is +21. Still within the normal range, but its not looking like I'll make the 25 or less my doctor recommended at the start of the pregnancy. (Sorry that got long, been feeling like a bloated whale the last few days so its a touchy subject)

Maternity clothes: All.the.time. Even the yoga pants I had need to be retired until after the little one is born.

Stretch Marks: Just a few itty bitty ones on the right side of my stomach.

Movement: Generally he's pretty still during the day and is more active at night. Today was an exception to that rule...I'm guessing he was thrown off by the change from east to west coast yesterday. He's been really active all day long today. (Interesting side note: While we were on the East Coast he totally changed his schedule to match my adjusting to the different time. I thought that was kind of neat.)

Sleep: Its hit or miss. Either I sleep great or barely at all. The barely at all nights are generally due to the carpal tunnel & ulnar nerve issues I have (the tingling in my right hand has now progressed to include my thumb to middle fingers as well...which is why I'm now saying carpal tunnel as well). On those nights I wake up with my hands in pain. Not fun. I sometimes fine myself sleeping in a reclined position (with pillows, haven't resorted to a recliner). My doctor put in an order for wrist braces for me to wear when sleeping today. The other thing keeping me up during sleeping is the night owl in my belly. His wiggle fests are great, but they do keep me running to the bathroom which in turn keeps me awake.

Best Moment This Past Week: Having our baby shower

Most Difficult Moment This Past Week: Feeling pulled in different directions when visiting family for the shower. Both my husbands and my side wanted to spend time with us and it was hard to please everyone.

Belly Button In or Out: Still an inny.

Cravings/Aversions: Right now I'm completely turned off by fast food, take out, cheeseburgers and pizza. Its not a pregnancy related aversion though, its because we ended up eating a TON of those types of food on our trip last week. For the same reason I'm jonesing for fruit and veggies.

Symptoms: Tingly fingers, particularly on my right hand. Bloat, including the infamous cankles. Just generally feeling like a whale, which is probably a mix of the rapid weight gain and the bloat.

What I'm Looking Forward To: This weekend we are going to take the gift cards we got at our shower and buy some baby gear that we'll need when the baby comes home. I'm looking forward to finally getting the pieces in place for him to arrive.

26 week update and DOUBLE digits!

Here's a quick (but lengthy) update for 26 weeks:

I am in shock that third tri starts this week! Baby is somewhere between 2 and 2.25 pounds, and around 14" long. I'm in maternity clothes most of the time--some tops are still too big, but most are starting to fit really well. I'm up about 20 pounds, and after two straight months of 7-8 pound gains, my weight gain has held steady for the past two weeks. But that means I definitely don't fit into my bathing suits from last year anymore--so I got some new bathing suits last week. It's been in the high 90's here for a few weeks now, and they are C-U-T-E! I decided to eschew true maternity suits in favor of bigger-sized bikinis, and I'm so happy I did. DH and I both LOVE the suits I ended up with, and they're mix-and-match (prints/solids), so I have the equivalent of four new suits, but only had to buy two!

Speaking of weight gain, I've started to notice a few teeny stretch marks, but they're just white-ish and not noticeable unless onlookers are staring at my side-hip right above my hip bones. I've continued moisturizing like crazy, and have even started using Mederma in the hopes they don't get any worse. (I'm very thankful our birth center has free samples :) ). Belly button is still in, but getting wider and shallower. I don't know yet if it's going to become an outie, but that possibility really weirds Mr. MB out. It's funny!

I'm sleeping better now than ever before in this pregnancy. I've finally started to figure out the whole liquid-consumption-before-bed thing, and have realized that if I stop drinking for the night about 8pm, I'll be able to get to bed at 10:30 and only wake up once or twice to pee. It's awesome!

Baby Magnolia Bud is moving around pretty consistently. I feel him/her up around my belly button, and also on the left side, about halfway between my ribs and my pubic bone. Mr. Magnolia Bud loves feeling the baby move, and he gets so excited every time he's able to feel him/her. He talks to the baby most days before we get out of bed, telling him/her things like "Baby, this is your daddy. We can't wait to meet you, but not today. Today you need to keep kicking around inside mommy, but not too hard. Have to go now, I'll see you tonight. Bye baby." It's really adorable, and makes me love him even more than I already do.

My food cravings and aversions have pretty much eliminated themselves. I'm eating frequent, small meals, and trying to make most of them healthy. I still don't remember to take my vitamins every day, but have been eating loads of fruits and veggies to help compensate.

Overall, I really enjoy being pregnant. I get asked occasionally if I miss anything about not being pregnant, and I don't really. Pregnancy hasn't changed much about our lifestyle, and we're going to strive to continue that trend once baby arrives. Our friends that do have kids are really flexible, fun people, who have been able to maintain lives that don't revolve around their kids--but where their kids are involved, treasured, and loved. That's what our goal is.

Here are a few things I'm looking forward to over the next few weeks:
-Next week, Mr. MB and I are spending 4 days/3 nights in Asheville from Thursday to Sunday. I have to be there for work, but it's my work's biggest program of the year, and spouses get to come too. When I'm not working, we're having some great dinners out with friends, taking a hike, going to a black-tie dinner/dance, and relaxing by the pool. He's also participating in a golf tournament and a 5K while I'm working.
-The week of June 27, we're going on vacation all week to the Outer Banks. We're going with Mr. MB's mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law, uncle, aunt, cousin, and our niece and nephew. We have a huge house right on the beach in Duck, and I'm so excited to spend a week sitting on the beach, windsurfing, swimming, and hanging out with DH with no commitments.
-My next appointment is June 27. I have my glucose tolerance test that morning, and then my 28-week appointment just after the test. That appointment marks the start of every-other-week appointments until 36 weeks!
-My first baby shower is July 9! That's 3 weeks from Saturday! I'm going to post separately about the baby showers and registry observations, but I can't believe it's coming up so quickly!

I'll leave you with two thoughts:
-Second tri FLIES by. When my girlfriends told me it would, I didn't believe them--at 13 weeks, it feels like nothing will go quickly. Well, of course they were right. We got so much done over the last 13 weeks, but there's still so many small things to do before baby arrives. I think I'll post separately about home improvement projects we're undertaking over the next 14 weeks.
-Pregnancy really starts to get fun during second tri. You start to look pregnant, you've told everyone, while the worry is still present, it subsides greatly (especially after 24 weeks), and I don't know about the rest of you, but I've really been enjoying being pregnant.

Sending all of you lots of love!
Magnolia Bud

24 week update

I can't believe 2nd trimester has flown by so quickly. I'm 24 weeks this week (24 weeks, 3 days today).

Back at the beginning of this pregnancy (~21 weeks ago), I thought this point seemed *so* far away. The point where I'd be done with appointments every four weeks, and be going every two. The point where I was getting ready to take my GD test. The point where our furniture would be delivered, or where we'd decide on names. The point where I'd finally be showing so the world wouldn't think I had just eaten too much. The point that we're almost done with childbirth classes. You know, the I'm-a-crazy-planner-so-technically-all-the-pre-baby-necessities-are-taken-care-of point.

Yet here we are. Crazy!

We had our 24-week midwife visit this week, and I'm measuring right on track. Fundal height is 24cm, which is right where it should be. I'm up 19 pounds (oops), but the midwives think it's on track, even if I gain another pound every week until the end. Baby's heart rate seems to stay between 135 and 145 every time it's checked, and s/he is moving around like a kickboxer throughout the day. My next appointment at 28 weeks will include my GD test and the start of every-other-week appointments (until 36 weeks).

I'm feeling great. Very little swelling (even with 95+ degree days), no constipation, less heartburn than I've ever had in my adult life...really I have no complaints right now. Of course, you could probably guess that my sleep is interrupted with frequent pee breaks, but when I'm not up to pee, I'm sleeping. I started acupuncture again this week, and my acupuncturist wants to see me again in 8-12 weeks, depending on how I'm feeling. At that point, we'll come up with an induction plan for once I'm full-term. In the meantime, she prescribed massages every 3-4 weeks, and chiropractic appointments to make sure everything's aligned (and stays that way).

Baby's furniture is being delivered tomorrow morning. I can't wait! We already have the co-sleeper and crib, and tomorrow our glider and dresser arrive. We've narrowed down our names list to two girl options and one boy option. Since we both think we're having a boy, we made sure we LOVE our boy name. We love both of our girl names, so we're keeping all three close to our chests so we can recycle the names for the next baby.

I think that's it for now! I hope I'll get the nursery a little closer to being finished in time for my next post so you all can see pictures!

I want my body back

Here is a short recap of my weight gain/weight loss over the last two years

• April 2009 120 lbs
• December 2009 182 lbs
• May 2010 124 lbs
• September 2010 140 lbs
• December 2010 129 lbs
• February 2011 138 lbs
• Today 133 lbs

It's been 2 years since I felt good in my skin. Like, really felt good. Two years ago this April I found out I was pregnant with Little PB&J Bud. After the shock of a BFP wore off I swore I was going to remain healthy and fit throughout my pregnancy. I was already working out regularly and eating a healthy, well balanced diet. So it wouldn't have be an adjustment to maintain that lifestyle for the next 40 weeks. Ha. That mentality lasted for about 5 minutes. Morning sickness set in and there wasn't much I could eat. And if I could stomach it, chances are it wasn't healthy. And by the time my first trimester (and morning sickness) was over, I had embraced my less than ideal diet and lack of exercise. Unfortunately this lifestyle continued well after Little PB&J Bud was born. But even with my poor eating habits, I did manage to get within 4 lbs of my pre-pregnancy weight while BFing. It was great! I dropped the 60 lbs I gained during my pregnancy without having to adjust my lifestyle!

However, once I stopped BFing in May of 2010 (and continued eating bad and not exercising) the weight crept back on. By September I weighed an all time high of 140 lbs. I had gained 16 lbs! And my boobs went from a size D back to an A. I had an enormous ass and small boobs. WTF. I was in such a rut, that I began to accept my new body. I had always been a skinny girl and very active, but I had just kinda given up, ya know? I felt uncomfortable in anything other than an oversize t-shirt and yoga pants. I loathed having to get dressed and leave the house. Often I would have a mini break down (complete with tears and all) trying to find an outfit that didn't make me feel like a stuffed sausage. It sucked. Finally I had enough, and about 10 months after Little PB&J Bud was born I decided to give the South Beach Diet a go. It was great. I dropped lbs fast, slimmed down, felt better about myself and I had finally found the motivation to get the weight off. I dropped about 11 lbs! And then I got pregnant! Something we had been trying for for so long! And then I lost the baby. Sigh. And that motivation I had found was lost too. I fell right back into my old habits and over the next three months I gained 9 lbs. I ate bad, didn't exercise and didn't much care about the cellulite that had now moved to the fronts of my thighs. Yes, you read that right, the fronts of my thighs.

About three weeks ago I came to the realization that I CAN feel good about my body again. No, it probably won't be what it once was, prior to Little PB&J. But that doesn't mean I can't have a positive body image. And then I came to another conclusion. I shouldn't be so critical of my body. My body IS an amazing thing. It carried and nurtured Little PB&J Bud for 40 weeks and it did a pretty darn good job, if I do say so myself. My body has allowed me to get this far in life and still remain relatively healthy, even if I didn't always take the best care of it. So what if I don't look like Gisele Bundchen with my clothes off? And so what if I will never been a size 0 again? But I can (and I should) take better care of my body. Sometimes I still hard on myself, and this new mentality is not always easy to embrace. But I am trying to be less critical.

I have gotten back on the South Beach Diet and I have been working out 4 to 5 times a week. It's wonderful to get my motivation back! But I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared that I will fall back into my old habits when I get my BFP. I am afraid that I will let my diet get out of control and I will pack the weight back on. It's especially a concern since I have PCOS making weight loss exceptionally hard. And I feel a little guilty to admit that I am looking forward to not having to share my body with a fetus in my ute. While I welcome pregnancy and it still is my ultimate goal, I want to be done with it. I want to put the chapter of growing babies behind me. I am ready to get my body back. Both in the sense of getting fit and in the sense that my body belongs to me and only me.

Oh and screw you Gisele for being such a freak of nature.

pic credit

PB&J Bud :)

Pregnancy was not kind to me

Initially when I got pregnant with Little PB&J I swore I would watch what I eat and keep my weight gain to a healthy minimum. I thought I would be that glowing pregnant girl who was all belly. You know, I thought I'd be radiant. Bwhahahah. Aww, I was so cute to think that. Morning sickness set in and the only foods that were appetizing were french fries and sour patch kids. I did eat other foods along the way but these two items were the staples of my diet. Sad, isn't it? Thank God for prenatal vitamins. Anyway, that respectable weight I was trying to stay under was nothing but a joke and I ended up gaining 60 lbs. Whoopsie. I was a fat ass. Pregnant, yes but dude, believe me when I say I was a fat ass. And I had CRAZY swelling. I was notorious for the size of my ankles. Every where I went Mr. PB&J would beg me to show everyone. "C'mon PB&J just show them your ankles." It was like I was a traveling freak show.

I know the look of horror you have in your eyes right now! I saw it all throughout my pregnancy. And yes, it was painful. Please excuse my not so manicured nails. I wasn't about to get a pedicure in that condition. But to prove that I am human and not part elephant, here is a non-pregnant pic of me with smaller ankles. It's not the best pic, but I don't have too many pictures of my ankles lying around.

My ankles weren't the only thing that swelled. So did my boobs. All my life I have been flat chested (see pic above) and I desperately wanted bigger boobs. I never knew what it felt like to have a guy check out my chest. So I was stoked when my A cup boobs became a full D cup! And then began to I notice creepy old men looking at my chest. Pervs. Even when I was 9 months pregnant and 60 lbs over weight. Umm, me no likely. Give me back my small boobs. Kind of an awkward request but check out how big they were......

And why did nobody tell me to put on a sweater??? Because those things were out of control.

But all in all, I love every single minute about being pregnant! I just wish pregnancy loved me back! I can't wait to experience it again, as it was the thing I am most proud of. It was well worth it because in the end I got this......

And she's worth it :)

PB&J Bud

5 Weeks 2 Days

I made it! I'm officially the most pregnant I've ever been!


My first pregnancy miscarried at 5 weeks 1 day. Yesterday was that same gestation for this pregnancy. Made it through with flying colors. Such a huge relief, I can't even tell you. The days leading up to yesterday were so fraught with nerves. Basically me preparing myself for a repeat performance. One that, thankfully, didn't happen. I'm still so thankful for each and every day and am hoping beyond hopes that things are going well in there. If they are, the next big milestone should be hearing/seeing a heartbeat. Still no word on the insurance situation, so that isn't scheduled yet.


I guess I might as well use this post as my 5 week pregnancy update as well.


I'm doing pretty well. Symptoms are still relatively minor and almost all are intermittent. Nausea seems to really prefer middle of the night or when I'm out in places with food smells (restaurants, grocery stores). So far its still just nausea. The boob changes Cherry Bud referenced in a recent post are beginning to happen. I'm still the same size, but fuller now. The tenderness is more than usual, but not too bad. I've had some definite issues with bloat lately. No fun. Especially no fun when my 'fat pants' are even too snug. The spotting I had at just after the 4 week mark hasn't returned. So thankful for that. I guess that's pretty much it so far for symptoms.


The last time I weighed myself was last Friday, and I was down half a pound. Probably from cutting out some sweets. I'm firmly planted in the 'overweight' category based on BMI, so I'm trying to be good about watching my food intake while pregnant. I'm trying to stay active too. Up to this point that's consisted of lots of walking the dog. I'll probably start getting back to the gym this week.

40 weeks... Yep. Still Pregnant.

So, we had our appointment this morning. Here is a picture of me at the doctor's office at 40 weeks pregnant:

The Good:

Progress! Yay. Last week I was barely 1cm and Dr Loh still had to go in practically up to her elbow to check me. This week I'm 1-2cm and 40% effaced, and she barely had to go in to her wrist. So, cervix and baby are much much lower. She's very happy with my progress. Especially for a first timer. AFI is great. Baby has awesome movement. And like I thought, I have 2 little feet (we saw toes and all) kicking my liver. I keep telling the baby s/he can't get out that way. We'll see if it sinks in!

Oh - and at 40w - my total gain is 19 pounds!! I couldn't be any prouder of myself. I celebrated by coming home and having some dark chocolate hershey kisses and I'll be having pumpkin pie for dessert.

The Bad:

She brought up inducing at 41 weeks. I expected that to happen. The conversation, i mean. I was just hoping to avoid it if there was progress. Her deal: she's a single doctor practice, and I already knew that she doesn't guarantee her availability past 41 weeks. No problem. Based on my history and family history, we had no doubt that I'd deliver early. So much for that. But now it's an issue. I asked her if all signs point to healthy, if she would consider letting me go past 41 weeks. She said she would, but I should know there are 2 days that week she will not be in town, and her coverage would be delivering. I said that of course I'd want her to deliver, but not being induced is very important to me, and we might have to take that chance. At least it's out there now.

The Plan:

Non-Stress Test (NST) at the hospital saturday morning followed by NST and exam in the office on monday.

The Crunchy in me:

I've been thinking for awhile now that maybe the red raspberry leaf (RRL) tea was doing TOO good a job toning my uterus and it was holding the baby in. DH thought that was dumb. Well - i called my acu - who told me to stop the RRL for exactly that reason. So, i'm stopping the RRL as of today, and will start it again post partum for toning. I have a 4oz bottle of Castor Oil which will be my "i've tried everything else, so I have nothing to lose" backup plan (more on that later). I haven't done acu in 2 months for financial reasons, but called her on a whim earlier this afternoon, and went in to start my acu induction. I had a 45 minute session today, and I'll follow it up with another on monday if I haven't delivered yet.

My acu wants me to start drinking peppermint tea (already have it and brewing now), eating dark chocolate (no problem) and garlic (i married a sicilian).

We're going to continue our nightly mall walking and just keep our fingers crossed.

The Inconvenient:

Because I was forced to take FMLA to do IVF (my job sucks), and because i've been out on disability since 32 weeks, my FMLA actually runs out at 41 weeks exactly. So technically, my job can fire me as of a week from today if I don't deliver. On one hand I don't care - because i don't plan on going back there anyway. However, in NJ we have NJFLI, which gives me another 12 weeks of job protection, which I was planning on using to find a new job. I can't apply for that until the day I deliver.

So, right now, we're working on finding out the following:

I know I am entitled to my STD for the 6 or 8 weeks following delivery regardless of when work separates me. So, i'm covered for that period. We're trying to find out, that if my job separates me at 41 weeks exactly, if I can apply for unemployment once the STD runs out. If I can, then we don't have a problem. If I can't, then the last ditch castor oil option happens at 40w5d.

Meanwhile, the intermittent contractions continue and are clearly doing something. PLEASE wish me labor. Even Mr DB is begging baby to come out now... and he's been the one telling Smudge to take his or her time.

Acu - don't fail me now.

Babywatch 2010 continues.....

Fitness Post #1

Well friends, after my last post I promised I would be more diligent about posting regarding health, fitness, weight-loss and all of the things I am currently struggling with. I never thought I would say it, but my job is finally over, meaning 2 things; 1) I am officially unemployed, 2) I have officially gained an additional 80 hours per week that were previously lost to my job. I figure if I even spend 10 of those working out, that I am in really good shape!

After my last post, I was so appreciative of the comments that I recieved. It feels good to be supported in these struggles, and to know that there are others who have been through it, and/or are willing to encourage me along the way. I have spent the last several days catching up on sleep after being completely consumed with work for the past several months, so today was the first day that I have really been "back in action." I did laundry, got out of the house, and started setting myself up to get healthy and accomplish my weight loss goals.

This morning I met a friend for a walk. We did a 4.5 mile route and kept up a pretty good clip. I had every intention of taking the pup for a walk when I got home, but as per usual, my back was bothering me, so instead, I am trying to talk myself into going to the gym and riding the bike for a bit. :) Today I also signed back on to The Daily Plate. I decided that I need to keep good track of what I am eating so that I can get my calories under control and really start making progress towards losing weight. I stayed within my calories today, which was great, but I realize that I will need to be a LOT more conscious in the coming weeks or I will easily fall back in to the trap of mindless eating and continued weight gain.

Although I am so incredibly embarassed about this, I have decided to take the plunge and post some weight loss progress pictures, in hopes that it will keep me accountable, and maybe help someone else too. It's strange to be on a board where most women are posting beautiful pictures of their growing baby-bellies, and here I am posting my fat belly, with hopes that it will get smaller before it gets bigger! I beg of you, please be gentle in your criticisms, this is really hard for me to do, but I am doing it anyways, for the reasons I mentioned above.

My goal is to post the following weekly:

* Progress photos (See below)

* Previous and current weight 148.6 (current)

* Previous and current measurements Chest: 37" Waist: 33" Hips: 43 1/2"

* Accomplishments and setbacks for the previous week I signed up for the Daily Plate again, and I went on a 4.5 mile walk today. Setbacks....still eating when I am not hungry, and not drinking enough water. Since this is my first post however, I hope that I will have more positive things to say next week!

So without further adieu:

Turning Over a New Leaf...

AF arrived today. She woke me out of a sound slumber at 5 am with horrendous cramps. I got up to go to the bathroom and there she was. Stupid wench. I knew she was coming, but even with our diagnosis of MFI, it still never gets easier each month when she arrives. Fitness Bud's post got me thinking, and I am on my way to trying to turn over a new leaf.

I will admit at this very moment that I am 100 pounds heavier than I was the day that I married Mr. JB. I was not at my thinnest when we got married, but to me I was at my perfect weight, and if I could get anywhere near that weight again, I would be SO HAPPY. The problem has been that I am not unhappy at my weight. I know I am overweight, but I am happy with myself, my life, my family, and my career. So, it makes wanting to be successful in losing weight even harder.

This past week I made it a point to make it to the gym. I did go twice, and I will probably go again over the weekend. I felt good about going. I also tried to watch what I ate. I didn't deny myself, but I also did not overindulge. Overall, I think the week went well. I even felt like maybe I lost a pound or two. Definitely a step in the right direction.

The reason I am posting about this is because I think that working towards a healthier lifestyle is something that can help take my mind off of everything else that is going on, instead of letting it become just another thing we have to worry about.

The pictures below are my then and now. Our wedding, and our recent trip to the pumpkin patch. 'Nuff said.

~June Bud

Disgusted

When I started blogging over a year ago, I was in a very different place. I have talked plenty about the frustration of going from a place where we were ready to start TTC over a year ago, to employment situations changing, to now being in limbo and on hold. What I haven't talked about is the reason I have the screen name that I do; Fitness. Way back when, when TTC seemed like it was just around the corner, I was focused on fitness. I was working out regularly, I was eating well, and though I wanted to lose a few pounds, I wasn't overly concerned about where I was at.

My how times have changed. I don't know if the stress did it, or the disappointment, or the setback from being involved in a car accident. It could have been campaign season that did me in, or really just my own sheer stupidity. Either way, I am now 20 pounds heavier than I was, and I feel absolutely disgusted with myself. My clothes don't fit, and things that used to look good on me now look far too snug.

Mr. Fitness Bud has always been my biggest fan. Even as I started gaining weight, he never stopped telling me I was beautiful, but I definitely stopped believing him. This is not a fun place to be in. I hate watching the numbers on the scale climb, yet I know that it is completely my fault. I may not be able to control my employment situation right now, but I CAN control my weight, and the time for that is now.

This was me on my wedding day. This was me when I was at a weight that I was comfortable with. I felt attractive. I felt comfortable in my own skin. I wasn't at my lowest weight, but I was at my "perfect" weight. I just felt good.

I don't feel good anymore. Which is maybe why I don't have any recent pictures.....I don't want to be in them!

This is the first time I have said this "out loud". I felt that with everything going on, that my weight was the least of my worries. But I need to get back to feeling good about myself. I need my confidence back.

So, it starts today. I am going public with these stupid weight struggles. I want to lose the weight BEFORE I get pregnant, so that I don't have an additional 20 pounds to lose AFTER. And I need accountability, so I am trying this again.

I know this is a sensitive subject for a lot of people. I know that I am not severely overweight. I also know each of us have different body types, and different sizes at which we feel comfortable. I am not saying that one way is better than another. I am only speaking for myself and how I feel comfortable in my own skin. And I am asking for help and support so that I can get there.

Thank you all so much. Today is a new day. And hopefully it will be a better one.

Re-Introduction

You may (or may not) have noticed that I haven't posted in a very long time. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you don't remember me at all. So I am re-introducing myself, and telling my story. I am Fitness Bud. Actually, I could probably call myself Unfit Bud, nowadays. :( When I began blogging I was very active, running, lifting weights, and in addition to feeling more comfortable in my own skin, was preparing my body for baby. Things have gone VERY downhill in the last several months, and that is part of my story too.

At this time last year, we were ready to have kids. We were holding off for a little bit, as I was hoping to find a more secure job, but life was good, we were ready, and we were excited to begin TTC. Then, in November, my husband lost his job, and all of our plans were put on hold. While his being laid off was a huge blow, we were confident that with his experience and education, he would find a job quickly. In the mean time, I was continuing to look for a more secure job in my field. Then, in January, I was in a car accident. It wasn't major, but my car was totalled, my back was injured, and the person who hit me didn't have insurance. In addition to having a tighter financial situation, I now had to add the expense of purchasing a new car, and due to my back injury, I was in no shape to continue working out like I had been. 

Fast Forward 9 months, to now. I have not been able to work out like I had been and am feeling terrible about myself. My husband still has no job. We have depleted half of our savings in an effort to pay our bills and stay afloat. I have a new job, but it doesn't pay too well, and I am working 75 hours a week. I took this job because it was an "in" in my field, but it is a temporary position, so as of November, I will be looking for employment. (Although I have repeatedly been assured by my bosses that with my newfound connections it should be no problem). Needless to say, life is not what we thought it would be. It is not what we planned. Last year at this time, I was certain I would be holding a baby in my arms by now. Instead, I am watching my sister, and 7, yes SEVEN of my friends have babies. It blows. 

BUT, I am back. I need to talk about my current station in life. I need to have some way to track my progress. To look back one day and know that things have gotten better. And hopefully it will be therapeutic for me, and just maybe it will help someone else out there as well.

Newsflash - I Have a Stubborn Child

We had to know from the beginning right - from the hell we went through getting pregnant, to finding out about the lost twin, to the bleeding hell with the subchorionic hematoma... nothing about this was going to be easy, right?

Well, my 12 ounce child isn't making it ANY easier.

Smudge continues to be the most stubborn and uncooperative child there is.

We had our anatomy scan today. S/he's frank breech, which means i have a head, 2 hands and 2 feet at the top of my uterus and a butt at the bottom. I gave a stern warning that s/he has 18 weeks to flip around, otherwise, we'll be meeting for the 1st time in the OR, and I'm not planning on that. There's plenty of time yet for said flippage to happen, so I'm not remotely worried about it. My placenta has also shifted to be more anterior than posterior now. It's actually right at the fundus. So, that might explain why it took so long to feel consistent movement, what with all of the hands and feet at the placenta.

45 minutes later - we got to see a hand!

The sonographer couldn't get all of the views they needed to check everything, but what they did see was absolutely perfect. We have to go back in 2 1/2 weeks to try to finish the anatomy scan, and we're also going to get a fetal echo, which is a specialized heart ultrasound, because apparently with the type of IVF (ICSI) we had to do, there is a miniscule risk of cardiac issues. We're not remotely worried - but if it's just an ultrasound, why not make sure EVERYTHING is okay... so they'll do it at the same time.

20 week belly

Meanwhile - we found out our risk categories for downs syndrome (1 in 880) and Trisomy 13 and 18 (1 in 10,000), so we'll happily take those odds. Apparently the average downs risk for my age group is 1 in 300 and once we finish the anatomy and fetal echo, he anticipates our risk dropping even more. (I already knew my results were "normal", but I'm glad the perinatologist told us the ratios.)

Smudge chewing on a hand

Since Smudge was incredibly uncooperative, we got awful pictures today. With the ones the tech gave us, she had to explain what we were seeing. I begged the one with the open hand from the perinatologist himself, since the tech didn't give it to me. I figured it was the only really clear picture the whole scan, and I wanted just one i didn't have to explain. He laughed at me when I asked, and happily handed it over.

Hopefully we'll get better ones in 2 1/2 weeks.

Anyway - here's Smudge at 20 weeks 1 day and my big ole 20 week belly. Its starting to get in my way now. It's so funny. I love it. 20 weeks and less than 10 pounds gained (7 the last time I got on a scale). I'm really proud of myself.

18 weeks pregnant?

Apparently, sometime while I was asleep, Smudge grew to about 7 inches long, and 7 ounces. A little foot is now an inch long and s/he can recognize my voice when I talk.

When the heck did that happen?

So, since this apparently happened overnight, here are some of the things I HAVEN'T blogged about this month.

First, these are pictures from my 14w5d ultrasound that I bullied my OB into doing before i went back to work after the sub chorionic hematoma:










The one on the left, Smudge is waving and the one on the right is my scary alien baby... but it's really cool (i think) because you can see the structures in the skull, the developing brain, the rib cage, the heart, the upper arms and the beginning of the pelvic bone. Smudge spent the overwhelming majority of the ultrasound snuggled on my placenta like it is a body pillow. It was really cute.

Most importantly, you can't see the SCH... it was gone and I went back to work. I still hate my job. SO hate my job. There are more issues every day. And as much as I love my OB, she's just never going to get it. I hope I'm able to convince her later on that she's going to need to pull me early. I just can't do it much longer. By 34 weeks, I want to be out. I really don't want to get into all of the issues here, but the bottom line is I have an assistant manager who would be more than happy to get rid of me. People tell me she keeps coming after me because she knows she can make me cry. Which is nice for her, but sucks for me, because being a hormonal mess at work REALLY isn't my thing. I'm still looking for another job. I probably send out 5-10 resumes every week. I thought I had something lined up for a little while, but it didn't work out.

The only pregnancy issues I've been having lately have been blood pressure related. And my blood pressure is ONLY elevated at work.

For now, I'm hoping the rumors of voluntary lay offs are true, and I'll be able to leave work with a full unemployment package. That would make things much better for us right now. My stress level would drop considerably and we would just figure out the money. Maybe not the most financially responsible thing I can do - but the best thing, health wise, i can do for my child and for me.

Nothing is more important than this baby.

I've been having wicked round ligament pain - to the point of being doubled over and wanting to vomit. This is normal. Who knew that pregnancy hurt? We all knew labor hurts, but pregnancy? Just gives me an excuse to rub my belly, though. Oh, and i'm still on pelvic rest because of the SCH, bleeding and the lost twin, so we're still on standby in the bedroom. Dr Loh wants to wait until after the anatomy scan to check the placenta again before she clears us. Last weird pregnancy thing for today... I'm already leaking. At 18 weeks, I can express fluid from my breasts. It's so weird. But it's clear, and it's normal, and I guess it means i'm getting ready. Almost 1/2 way there. I can't believe in 5 months, I'm going to be a momma.

Other pregnancy related news is that I made the decision that barring medical complications, I'm going to have a natural delivery. It's been discussed with my OB and she's completely on board. I've even hired a doula to help me through it (click on the link for my doula's website). It's really important to me that after EVERYTHING my body has screwed up in the last two years, I can prove to myself that it can do this ONE thing that nature intended it to do. And staying Team Green is part of it... our "green-ness" is going to be the light at the end of an unmedicated tunnel for me.

Meanwhile, we've been TRYING not to baby shop... I had a HUGE moment the other day though, while I was browsing in Gymboree while Mr. DB was drooling over the iPhone 4 in the apple store. Unfortunately for my wallet, they had the cutest collection of gender neutral monkey clothes. Mr. DB has a HUGE monkey thing, and I'll be honest. I do too. Here are some of the first things I've bought for Smudge (fair warning - cutest clothes ever below):























Other things we've purchased are just little things... whatever discount cloth diapering supplies we can get our hands on, some clearance things on discount websites, like an organic moby wrap for about $11 and a boppy with organic cover for $29.99.

But here's the big one... we haven't purchased it yet, but I'm pretty sure we've decided. We picked out our furniture. We still need a glider arm chair with an ottoman for the nursery, but the crib and all we finally picked. We LOVE the Essex collection from Munire in Chestnut.

photo credit

In other baby news, I had my 18 week appointment yesterday. My uterus is perfect. Heartbeat is perfect and Smudge was really active during the doppler. My OB kept asking if I could feel the movements, but I can't quite yet. Hopefully soon. The best news? My blood pressure (94/58) and my weight (only gained 7 pounds so far!). I'm going to have to start wearing compression hose at work (stupid spider veins and swelling), but if that's what it takes to avoid the varicose veins my dad has, I'll do it.

And I'll leave you with this. I can't believe my fat ass is posting it here, but here goes nothing. This is an 18 week bump picture. You'll have to trust me that it isn't all regular fat. It truly is a baby bump. I'm hoping it becomes more obvious. We're going to start taking weekly pictures from here out. But I'm definitely starting to look pregnant and not just fat.


DH and I also had a conversation about #2 last night. Sounds kind of silly, since #1 isn't even here yet. But since our post baby plan for birth control is our mutual infertility, we're sort of hoping for a miracle baby within the first year. If miracle baby doesn't show up within the first year, we plan on going back to Dr Z as soon as Smudge is weaned to cycle for #2. It always makes me feel good to have a plan.

Anatomy scan is two weeks from today. Can't wait to see Smudge again. Until then....

Am I a fetus?

Ah, the questions I'm sure smudge is asking right now.

Depending on the website, smudge may not be an embryo anymore. The information is fairly evenly divided as to when an embryo is considered a fetus. Merck says 8 weeks, IVF.ca says 8 weeks and medline says 8 weeks. So we're saying 8 weeks.

And in that case... meet my fetus:














-----------Smudge 8w via Dr L ---------------------------Smudge 8w1d via Dr Z-------

At 8 weeks, we had our first appointment with Dr L, my new OB. Her partner (Dr M) is my Gyn, and I and thrilled that i'm able to stay with the same practice.

Dr L is exactly the kind of doctor I need. She's going to be a weight nazi, and has me already counting calories and calcium content and focusing on low-glycemic carbohydrates. I need that. After losing 60 pounds, and keeping it off for more than 2 years, I'm actually terrified of gaining too much weight. Not because I don't want to - i'll PROUDLY wear my baby belly, but that's all I want it to be. I'm still a good 45 pounds overweight, and I really want to keep it to the minimum. Hopefully she'll be able to help me do that so I can also try to avoid complications like gestational diabetes.

Another thing I like about her is that she isn't all about medication. THRILLED because neither are we. She asked me about constipation, which you all know I know well at this point. She had me add 500mg of magnesium to my vitamin regimen taken at night before bed. It's working so far. YAY for no more prunes. But I love how she went to the magnesium, and NOT the colace or the metamucil. This is definitely the doc for me.

I was a little concerned about her being a single doctor OB practice, but she was able to set our minds at ease. She schedules her vacations in advance, and if she has plans or makes plans for the window around your due date, they tell you at the time of your first appointment, so you can decide if you want to stay with the practice, knowing she might not be able to deliver you. For me, the worst case scenario would be if Smudge comes on thanksgiving, because she'll be 6 hours away with family, but other than that, we're good to go. I'm not worried.

The next day was my last appointment with Dr Z. It was so bittersweet. It was awesome that smudge is doing SO great (1 day ahead in growth and a perfect heartbeat). He was happy to tell me that our miscarriage rate is now less than 5%, having hit the 8 week mark. We saw little flippers on the u/s and a brain cavity! And I really love seeing the little flicker of the heartbeat.

Dr Z hugged me before we left. He said that if I ever want to come back for an appointment with him, all I have to do is call and that he WANTS to see me; they don't get to see many pregnant bellies at his office. He gave me his personal email address to send him pictures and updates. And best of all, he reminded me that he was ALSO board certified in ObGyn, so if I ever had any questions about something I was being advised to do, I could just call him and get his opinion.

Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE Dr Z? I'm going to miss him and his staff. We're sending them an edible arrangement to thank them for getting us this far, and for being so awesome.

So, for now, I have to try to get used to being a normal pregnant lady (albeit, one who is advanced maternal age). It's going to be difficult to switch to monthly visits rather than weekly. I'm used to all of this medical attention. So weird now.

So, our upcoming schedule:
10w: Next Dr L appointment
12w2d: NT scan
14w: Dr L
18w: Dr L
20w1d: Anatomy Scan

You know i'm going to have to finagle something for 16 weeks. There's NO way i'll be able to go a FULL month with NOTHING.

Oh jeez - i can totally see me buying one of those dopplers now, for in between appointment use. Hey - at least I'm trained to use it.