Anatomy Scan & Baby Sassy Bud has a name!

First things first- our anatomy scan results were perfect. Baby Sassy Bud weighed in at a half a pound and all the measurements were great. I'm always relieved to hear good results. I think IF has left me waiting for something bad to happen, but so far we have been so lucky to have a perfect baby and I have had a perfect pregnancy. Mr. Sassy Bud's parents went with us to the scan. I wanted them to be able to be a part of this since he is an only child and this will be their first grandchild. They were beyond thrilled to be there and I think they really enjoyed being able to see the baby "live" for the first time.

Now on to the fun part! Baby Sassy Bud was not super cooperative, but the tech was able to get a clear shot:

We are having a baby girl! I can honestly say that the moment those words appeared on the screen was the best moment of my life so far. I finally feel like this is real and that we will have a baby of our own in a few months.

Before our ultrasound, we had not discussed names at all. I had one in the back of my head for a while, even before IVF, but I didn't feel comfortable discussing a hypothetical baby so although I had mentioned it to Mr. Sassy Bud, I never asked his opinion of it. I think we were both too nervous. After we left the anatomy scan, I asked Mr. Sassy Bud what he thought and he said he loved it too, so we have a name!

Introducing "Brynn Atarah":

Keeping with Jewish tradition, she is named after Mr. Sassy Bud's grandfather's first initials. Her middle name is Hebrew and means "crown."

After our anatomy scan, we went withe Mr. Sassy Bud's mom to a few stores and she bought tons of baby clothes for her first granddaughter.

My only complaint lately is a backache and lots of bad headaches but I am seeing a chiropractor in hopes that I can get some relief for that.

27 weeks and all is mostly well....

I just wanted to pop in for a minute and say hi - i know I haven't been updating recently.

I'm almost 28 weeks. I can't believe I'm in my 3rd trimester. Smudge is doing great. S/he's very active and finally head down - although that can keep changing for weeks yet. I'm just glad s/he's not transverse anymore - because that really hurt. Anyway - Smudge is about 2lbs 3oz right now and as we speak, headbutting my cervix. I LOVE baby movement, don't get me wrong - but the cervix stuff just feels really weird.

I've been having really bad sciatica on both sides and my left foot is really numb. So, it's impacting me in a lot of ways. I have a really bad back injury from when I was a teenager, so i expected it was going to act up eventually, even though I've been pain free for years thanks to acupuncture. Right now i'm just trying to hang in there until 31-32 weeks, when my Chiropractor will recommend I'm pulled from work. He'd gladly pull me now, but financially it would be really tough to go out before then because NJ Short Term Disability really stinks.

I'd also like to ask for a favor from the Bloomin' Babies readers. Last week, a friend had her twins at 27w2d. They were both intubated for 2 days, and are currently on CPAP. The girl (Lilly) has a heart murmur, and is being seen by the cardiologist this week. They're both getting head ultrasounds this week to check for bleeding. Please keep Andrew and Lilly in your thoughts and prayers.

Be careful what you wish for.

Disclaimer: There are no pictures in this blog entry. I didn't write this to entertain. I cried almost every second I was typing. This isn't about being bitter, this isn't about being sad, and it most certainly isn't about trying to make people feel better about what we're going through. This is about life. Real hard honest painful unfair life. If you're looking for funny pictures and entertainment, you're going to have to look elsewhere.

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Be Careful What You Wish For

When we got our male factor diagnosis, I cried. I told my husband that I would rather have something be wrong with me, so this didn’t have to be on his shoulders.

What an idiot I was.

Since I was a young teenager, all I have ever wanted in the world is to be a mom. All I have wanted to do is to take care of my babies. Raise them and have the best family I can have.

Now I’m 34 years old… and I’m being faced with the possibility that we might never have that family.

3 weeks ago, I found out that our first IVF cycle failed. I knew that I didn’t respond the way they thought I might. I knew that our embryos were pretty sub-par. But I also KNEW that I was over-suppressed from the lupron. I KNEW that with a different protocol, I would respond better, and my eggs and subsequent embryos would kick ass.

Dr Z had other ideas. Half way through my stims, he became convinced that I had diminished ovarian reserve (DOR), AKA really old sucky eggs. He said that if this cycle didn’t work, he was going to do some additional testing.

But I KNEW it wouldn’t be necessary.

I was so wrong. About everything. And as usual, Dr Z proves why we picked him as our doctor.

The tests came back. My AMH is 0.5. That sucks. It worse than sucks. It’s sucktastic.

He says that he's not ready to throw in the towel YET. He likened my ovaries to a baseball team. He said that I have the players, but it was difficult to tell what condition they might be in, and how many might be on the bench. I said, "Great, I'm the New York Mets" (and honestly, after being a Mets fan for my whole life, I should be used to the disappointment).

Dr Z said now that he knows what the problem is, he can treat me more appropriately. He said my ovaries are a lot older than I am... probably about 42 or so… and now he has to treat me like that. He wants to see how I respond to a new protocol (my nurse should be calling me later today with details). But he also said that if this next cycle doesn't work, his recommendation would be donor eggs (DE).

My husband and I had already had a LONG talk the morning before we spoke with Dr Z about where we were going to draw the line. I finally know where he stands with all of the options, and I'm relieved about that. He's okay with DE, but not donor sperm. Okay with domestic adoption, but not embryo adoption.

We won’t move on to DE until we get a second opinion. So, if IVF #2 fails, we plan on probably getting two second opinions: one at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM), a leading center for ART, via phone consult and another at a leading medical center in Manhattan. Following those, we'll probably be moving onto DE.

However, DH is convinced that now that we know about these issues, IVF #2 is going to work.

I'm going to start acupuncture again, start seeing a chiropractor and we're going to try to go to an infertility counselor, because i'm really depressed. The IVF not working was bad enough - now I’m a devastated mess. There hasn’t been a day without crying since I found out. I don’t know how much more I can take.

There’s no question now that I’m in good hands. Dr Z clearly knows what he’s talking about. I can't imagine many people would have looked at me last cycle and said DOR. I thought I was just over-suppressed, but he saw my response and said, “Look, even with your normal FSH and normal antral follicle count (AFC), something is wrong here. This isn't because of medication. We need to run more tests.”

He was right. I hate it - but he was right.

He also said that my blood work came back positive for the genetic mutation MTHFR. I’m going to find out exactly which mutation tomorrow, when I get copies of my blood work. Dr Z says I don’t have to take any blood thinners, but he has me now on very high dose folic acid. I’m taking a total of 5mg daily. He says that he needs me on it for 4 weeks before we can try again, so we can still plan on cycling for March. I’ll have to continue taking the high dose folic acid as long as we’re TTC or pregnant… which right now feels like the rest of my life. Another complication of MTHFR is elevated homocysteine levels. However, my homocysteine levels are normal.

I’m sorry that this was so long. It’s all the information I have. I feel like all of my dreams are slipping away from me. It’s very easy for people to say “oh, it’s not bad news” and “oh there’s still hope” but this is the end of the world for me.

I’m 34 years old and my eggs are crap.

The worst thing about this is the not knowing. In the beginning, my evaluation was normal. Every single part of it. Dr Z says these tests are really expensive and the insurance companies won’t pay for them unless they can be shown cause, which the failed IVF cycle gave us. I wish we had known about this 2 months ago. Or 7 months ago when we went through our initial testing.

And I hate what this has done to me. EVERY girl I see whose only diagnosis is MFI, I think to myself “that’s what you think” or “for your sake I hope so”.

Because up until 2 days ago, MFI was my only diagnosis too… and I had all the hope in the world.

Now it will be a miracle if I can even use my own eggs.

From the top to the bottom in one phone call.

Be careful what you wish for.