Confession time: I'm still angry

I don't know why, but this whole pregnancy I have been watching my "baby is the size of what fruit" ticker like a hawk, just waiting to get to lime.

For some reason, I have always watched other people's tickers get to lime and it has seemed unreal.  This safe haven of fruit size. 

I think anytime you have trouble trying to conceive, you start to expect things to go wrong.  I have had no spotting this entire time *knock on wood*, yet I still have been both terrified and sure something would go wrong.  Even knowing the odds, hearing the heartbeat and knowing the risk is only 4%, I still expected it to be me.  And why not?  Month after month we had perfect timing, odds are it should have worked.  But it didn't.  It took 2 cycles of femara to get here, which is far less than a lot of women I know.  Which I think is also part of the problem.  When it takes a while, you start seeking out others having trouble, blogs, message boards, you find each other for support, but you also see all that can go wrong, and you think, "if it can happen to them, it can happen to me."

I've heard a lot of women say, and I fully agree that T-TTC takes the innocence away from TTC and pregnancy.  You're never just happy, you're also cautious and terrified.  We learn to be that way when TTC, when every month we say "maybe it will work, but probably not."  And you hold you breath every day of the 2ww waiting for a temp drop, or a BFN, or that first spot. 

I always thought that reaching lime would be this magic bullet.  This time when I could stop being afraid, and angry about how this has all gone down.  But I'm not.  A friend whose wife is 23 weeks was joking yesterday about how when they conceived their baby, they sent their other kids to the grandparents for the weekend and announced to the world that they were going to make a baby that weekend.  And guess what, they did.  You'd think I wouldn't care anymore.  That I would have stopped being jealous of him and everyone else who just decides to have a baby, and then does just like that.  But I'm not, I'm still angry. 

I am pregnant, and I am happy, and I love this baby, but I still don't quite believe that it will all end well.  And I'm still jealous of those for whom becoming parents comes easy.  I don't want to be.  I hate being this bitter.  I want to be happy for my friend even when he makes stupid insensitive comments.  I thought I would be "over this" by now, but I'm not.  I just wish I knew how to let it go and just be happy. 

Next up- more appointments.

I feel like my TTC journey moves in slow motion sometimes. It's frustrating having to make appointment after appointment for Mr. Sassy Bud and I, but it's a necessary evil, so we do it.

Mr. SB is going in for his repeat S/A tomorrow.

I also went to my gyno and got our referral to the RE so we can officially start going to their office even though we have had all our procedures done there already.

The consultation appointment is on my birthday. I'm hoping that it wasn't a bad idea to schedule it that day. I'm pretty much already prepared for IVF as a treatment course based on our S/A results, so I don't know that I will really get any bad news at the appointment. Hopefully it is moreso exciting than upsetting, even though just making the appointment yesterday turned me into an emotional mess. I just have to be strong, and keep moving forward. February will mark 2 years of TTC. I desperately hope to be pregnant by then.

Here we go...

I've come to a decision that I am ready to get out of my TTC limbo. After Mr. Sassy Bud's bad S/A results, I got to a point where I was feeling quite defeated and I just didn't care about anything TTC related anymore.

My friends that moved to Germany 6 months ago came back to visit us recently. After having a baby in the house for the past few weeks, I have found my motivation to keep going. Mr. Sassy Bud told me the other day that he is going in for his repeat S/A soon. I also finally made my appointment to see my ob/gyn for my annual, and I will ask for my RE referral at that time. I'm anxious to hear what they have to say regarding what our options are. I'm ready to go forward with whatever we need to do right now to get pregnant.

I survived!

The past month has been full of insane study sessions, culminating with the finals week that I just finished yesterday. For some reason I thought it was a good idea to take 4 classes this term, all of which had one final exam that made up the entire grade for the class. Oh, and did I mention I work full time? Yes, I was crazy when I chose that schedule. I am glad that's over with.

Mr. Sassy Bud has not had his repeat S/A yet. I haven't had the time to even think about getting that done lately. I hate to admit it, but it's still not high on my priority list. I think it is partly that I am still in denial that his results were so terrible, and partly because I know that regardless of the outcome of the second set of results, I am just not ready to go through fertility treatments right now. I can't explain the reasoning behind this, other than it just doesn't feel right, for me, right now. Between working and law school, all my energy and emotions are taken. Law school is the most challenging and exhausting thing I have ever done. Maybe when graduation becomes more of a reality than a far-off dream, I will be able to reevaluate our options.

For now, we will take things slowly, and (unrealistically) hope for a miracle.

Sperm Update

Today Mr. Sassy Bud and I met with the urologist. I was able to get a copy of the semen analysis results. Here's the complete numbers:

• Volume: 1.5ml (low/normal: 2.0+)
• Color: Normal
• Viscosity: Slightly Viscous
• Liquefaction: Complete
• pH: 7.2 (Normal)
• Concentration: 36 Million (normal/normal: 20m+)
• Motility: 41% (low/normal:50%+)
• Total Progressive Motile: 0 (no fwd movement)
• Morphology: less than 1% (low/normal: greater than 3%)

You may notice that the count is much higher than what I thought in my last post. Apparently the nurse read me the wrong line when I asked her for the count. This is much, much better than I originally thought.

The rest of the appointment went really well. The doctor was very knowledgeable and made us feel very comfortable. He did a physical exam and found no issues with vericoceles.

They also ran some blood work to check Mr. Sassy Bud's FSH and Testosterone. He gave us a referral for another S/A. If the results come back the same they will be doing an ultrasound to check for any other issues. The doctor told us that we could try some supplements, such as FertilAid, while we are waiting for the test and ultrasound results. We should be able to do the repeat S/A in the next few weeks.

In non-MFI news, I received a call about the job that I have been waiting on. I go in for a meeting with them on Wednesday. It is more of a meet and greet style meeting than an interview. She basically just wants to see how qualified each applicant is to move on to the next step in the interview process. This is the job that would put a hold on our TTC plans for a year or so, so hopefully she can give me some idea of the time frame I am looking at if I were to get hired.

I have put my charting membership on hold for now, since there isn't really any chance of us getting pregnant without medical intervention at this point. The good part of having answers is that CD1 was not difficult for me this time. I knew it was coming and didn't expect anything different.

Hopefully my next update will have some answers and good news!


'

I couldn't have prepared for this.

Today we got Mr. Sassy Bud's S/A results.

I tried to prepare myself for bad news but this was worse than I expected. His count was 1.5 million. Morphology was less than 1%. Motility was 41% with no forward movement.

We have been referred to a urologist who specializes in male factor infertility.

I am still numb from the shock of the results. Mr. Sassy Bud is actually in good spirits and said he is not going to worry unless they tell them there is nothing they can do. Hopefully we can get in for some answers very soon.

S/A Saga

In my last post I was getting ready to discuss the possibility of adoption with Mr. Sassy Bud if we got to a point where we could not conceive without medical intervention. The discussion went well and I think it is something we are both open to but we've decided to leave any further discussions until we have some concrete answers.

The next step that I have been waiting for Mr. Sassy Bud to take was getting his S/A. I finally ended up making an appointment for him that he said would work with his hectic schedule at work. He was supposed to drop off his sample at the RE's office last Thursday. That morning he had an unexpected meeting scheduled at work that he couldn't get out of.

Needless to say I was quite upset. After 3 months of waiting I felt so relieved to have this out of the way, only to find out I had to wait even longer for answers. I may have said some not so nice things to Mr. Sassy Bud that day.

I then decided that I was going to just drop the subject completely and leave it up to him to make the appointment. He informed me last night he had rescheduled his appointment for Wednesday of this week. Unfortunately, that just won't work!

Let me back track a little. The reason we have had such a problem coordinating the S/A is that Mr. Sassy Bud needs some "assistance" with his sample. He is one of the rare men that just can't (or won't?) do it on his own. In order to get the sample, I purchased a special condom from the RE's office to collect the sample through intercourse. While that may be TMI for some, I thought it was important to discuss. I didn't realize that you could get the sample that way or that you would need a special condom to collect the sample until I got the paperwork from the RE.

Anyway, this basically requires that I go home at lunch time to meet him and then he can bring the sample in. With my work schedule, I can be in different locations each day. I am always at my main office on Thursdays so hopefully he can and will make the effort to change the appointment for Thursday of this week.

Of course this week I should be O-ing so we might lose our opportunity for good timing due to abstaining for the S/A, but I think it is well worth it to finally get some answers. I am hoping for some nice, strong, healthy sperm!

Another CD1

AF sucks.

Every cycle I allow myself to be hopeful. You'd think by now I would know better!

This marks the end of 17 months TTC. I think it is pretty obvious we have a fertility problem. I have gone through a number of tests- bloodwork, ultrasounds, and an HSG and every single one has come back great. You probably see where I am going with this... I'm thinking it may be a sperm issue. We have had great timing every single cycle.

When I started spotting last night, a lot of thoughts started going through my mind. When we started TTC, I was pretty open to fertility treatments. I'm not sure how I feel about them now. Of course, I am getting ahead of myself here, since we don't have a diagnosis, yet.

I'm going to sit down with Mr. Sassy Bud this week and discuss our game plan if I don't get the job I am waiting on. I plan on bringing up adoption. We have discussed it before and we both were open to it at that point. If he is on board still, I will start doing some research on it and see if it seems right for us. Of course I would love a biological child, but I do not have an overwhelming desire to be pregnant. I would just like to be a mother.

~Sassy Bud

Another 2ww

I resumed charting this cycle on CD17. It looks like I have since O'd so I am 2-3 DPO now.

I'm guessing that last cycle I also O'd late which is why my cycle was longer than any had been in the past.

I'm still waiting on word about the job opportunity, so until then, I will just keep going with our same routine- that obviously doesn't work!

The good news is that TTC is the only negative aspect of my life. Everything else is really, really, great, which makes it easy to focus on positive things.

Let's see what the next few weeks bring.

TTC on repeat

AF has come and gone again. Of course, she came the day before vacation, just like I figured.

I can't believe it's June already. That means I'm entering my 17th month of TTC.

Mr. Sassy Bud still has not gotten his S/A. It really doesn't matter much now anyway since I am not going to take any medical steps to get pregnant while I am in the process of interviewing for the new job. I got my results back from my test and I passed! Now I wait to hear from them for the next step.

We had a lovely vacation. I would definitely consider it one of the best I have been on, ever.

I think I will start temping again tomorrow so that I at least know when to expect AF. Besides, it's always fun to obsess over post-O temps, right?

That's all the randomness I have for today!

~Sassy Bud

What a week.

As you may recall, I am not charting this cycle.

I tested on Tuesday, assuming I could be anywhere from 9-11DPO. Early, yes, but I figured.. why not?! Wouldn't you know it- I saw a hint of a second line. Kind of like a now you see it, now you don't type of line. I showed Mr. Sassy Bud, and he said he saw it too. I was in total disbelief. Of course I brought 2 HPT's with me to work, held my pee for a few hours, and tested again. Nothing. Later that afternoon- still nothing. I hoped that I just needed FMU so I decided to wait until the next morning.

Wednesday morning's test- no trace of a second line. Of course! I can't be the person to stop charting, test early, and actually get a surprise BFP.
I've concluded that what I saw was an evaporation line. They are not common on pink dye tests (I used an internet cheapie) but they do happen. Lucky me, I got to experience one.

The week was not all bad, though. Wednesday I went for the first step of the interview process for my dream job. It was basically a rundown of the position, along with some intense written testing. I found out that if I do get the job, I am required to relocate outside of my state due to the nature of the position. After a mild panic attack about leaving my home and friends, I am actually excited. How often do you get the chance to basically take a map of the US and pick the place that you want to live?! I am really hoping I can make it through the rest of the process. It will be difficult but I want it badly and I am going to do my best to get there. I should get the test results in 7-10 days.
I also got my final grade of the term on Wednesday. I got an A!! Not only that, but it was in the most difficult, time-consuming, challenging, and overall HORRIBLE class that I have taken so far. It also happens to be my first A of my law school career. Typically, I strive for mediocrity (aka a passing grade). So, the BFN was definitely overshadowed by great things.

Today is CD 28. Of the cycles that I have O'd while charting, they have been 26, 27, and 27 days. So- not really sure what is happening to my body, except maybe another annovulatory cycle. I suppose I need to test again at some point, but I'm not sure I can handle another BFN after the disappointment of this week.

Next week is our big trip so I will update after we get back unless there is other news to share!

~Sassy Bud

New Approach

When this cycle started I decided I was going to stop temping. I wasn't sure that I could keep up with not doing it since I was so obsessed with knowing where I was in my cycle. I am glad that I temped for the cycles that I did so that I have a good idea of my typical cycle.

This morning I realized I didn't even know what CD I was on. You know what- it was a great feeling. I am still using Fertility Friend to keep track of when AF comes, but that is it. I think I made the right decision for myself. I feel much less stressed out about my cycle. My chart was not getting me pregnant, obviously.

In non-TTC news, Mr. Sassy Bud just got back from a long-weekend vacation visiting family in Texas. We are also taking another trip in a few weeks for his 30th birthday and our 4th anniversary. I'm really looking forward to spending some relaxing quality time together. School started for me again yesterday. I am taking 4 classes plus working full time. I foresee myself being a wreck about 14 weeks from now when I have to take 4 law-school finals in one week. Yikes!

STILL no O

CD33 and I still haven't ovulated.

I guess this puts me back in the long-cycle club. I have been teased by a few small temp rises, only to be let down the next morning when it drops again. This is really hindering my progress with my TTC plan, since I have to wait until CD1 to schedule my HSG. As I mentioned in my previous entry, Mr. Sassy Bud is also waiting to do his S/A until then. I like to call this TTC limbo.

Photo Credit

Yep that's me. Somewhere between TTC heaven and hell.

I sit and hope for a BFP to end this craziness but I also am trying to be realistic to avoid the roller-coaster of emotions when AF comes. And she does. Every month.

Non-TTC life is good. Once this school term and tax season are over, I'm going to visit my sister and nieces and nephew in Texas. We are also celebrating our anniversary and Mr. Sassy Bud's birthday by taking a trip to Atlantic City and New York City. I have never been to either place so I am very excited to be able to go. I am also going to visit one of my "nestie besties" while I am there, so that is something great to look forward to.

Until then, I wait, and wait, and wait.

A non-update

CD22 and no O yet.

I took some Motrin about a week ago. I had a migrane and I was far from home and desperate during my moot court competition. It looks like that may have delayed O for me this cycle.

I cannot call to schedule my HSG until CD1, so I am in TTC limbo at the moment. We are waiting to schedule Mr. Sassy Bud's S/A until CD1 also. On the off chance I were to get PG this cycle, I don't want to waste $150 on an uneccessary test.

Last night Mr. Sassy Bud and I watched this movie:

Photo Credit

If you haven't seen it, I would definitely recommend watching it. While the views were slanted (as most documetaries are), it still gave us a lot to think about as far as what we want to happen at the birth of our (imaginary) child.

Hopefully my next update will be a 2ww!

Progress

I went to my gynecologist appointment last week. I was a little early for my annual but the doctor was still able to sit down with me and discuss our next steps.

I was very happy with her response. Her recommendations were exactly what I was looking for. She wrote me referrals to get an HSG, and for Mr. Sassy Bud to get a S/A. I'm not looking to be medicated at this point, so I am glad that she didn't want to go that route. I think that it is more important to make sure everything is working properly before moving on to any other steps. I have to call on CD1 to schedule my HSG, and Mr. Sassy Bud will schedule his testing then also.

In non-TTC news, I participated in a Moot Court competition this past weekend. My partner and I made it to one of the final rounds out of all 4 campuses. Our only loss was to the team that is going to the finals. It was a very exciting weekend, and it definitely kept my mind off of all things TTC.

I should be O-ing in the next few days, so I can begin my 2ww (or for me, 9-day wait) obsessing!

Another Cycle Down

Well, AF showed again after a 9-day LP.

I'm still on the TTC train. I just can't bring myself to TTA. If this is our cycle, I would be completely thrilled, despite EDD timing. I am sure I can figure out a way around taking a whole term off, either by appealing to take exams the following term, since there is obviously a medical reason, or taking some exam-less electives.

I have my annual ob/gyn appointment this Thursday. I assume they will be referring me to an RE since this is our 14th month of TTC. My plan with the RE is to have them do a S/A for Mr. Sassy Bud. If everything looks good on that end, then I will worry about our next steps at that point. Now that I'm sure I'm ovulating, the only concern on my end is my short LP. Hopefully I will get some guidance on that between my gyn and the RE.

I never expected TTC to be such a "process."

8DPO

I'm nearing the end of my 2ww, if my LP is consistent with last month. I have tested, on the off chance that my original CH's were correct (making me 10DPO). So far, I have gotten BFN's. I don't mind them though, it just means I can test again tomorrow! I have had no symptoms of AF or anything pregnancy related, so I'm thinking that my LP may just be getting longer this cycle. That is good news, since I was a little concerned with the 10 day LP last month.

If this cycle ends with AF, I am seriously considering TTA for one cycle. If I were to get pregnant next cycle, my EDD would be around the first week of December. That's one week before exam week. If I were due in October or November, that would have given me plenty of time to recuperate before exams. January is not ideal, but at least being at the beginning of the term, I would not miss much. I'm having a hard time with this because although I do not at all want to TTA, I really don't want to push back my graduation a whole term. So now I have to weigh school & career vs. baby. I think know what my decision will be already (school), but it's just hard to think about letting another cycle pass me by.

I never thought I would still be TTC after 13 months, but surprisingly I feel less bitter as the time passes. I think I am just getting used to the disappointment, which is not a terrible thing. I have a lot of good things going on, and I'm going to focus on them until my time comes.

Hopefully the rest of my 2ww flies by!

Chart Obsessing

I am hopefully entering another 2ww this weekend. My temps have been all over the place this cycle. I have some problems with anxiety, and it was in full force for a while last week. I'm sure this had something to do with my temps being so high. I woke up several days with my heart pounding out of my chest. I have no real reason for it either, just normal life stress. This is what anxiety has done to my chart:

It looks kind of like an EKG!

I was afraid that the anxiety issues would delay ovulation, but I think I actually may have another normal cycle. The other night, I actually had EWCM! I have not had any since coming off of BCP. I switched to drinking green tea instead of taking the supplements this cycle, so I will attribute my fertile CM to that.

I also got a +OPK yesterday, along with 2 consistent higher temps. I doubt FF will take into account my "high stress" markings for the beginning of the cycle, but I will override it if I have to. As a fellow GP'er reminded me, beautiful charts mean nothing. They are just used to confirm O and measure your LP.

I won't stop temping after O though, because no matter the outcome, I like to submit my charts to the gallery to hopefully help others learn about their cycles.

This is my 13th month TTC. Sometimes it is hard to stay positive, especially when others around you seem to be able to get pregnant so easily. I give a lot of credit on staying positive to Mr. Sassy Bud. He has been amazing through this whole process. He was ready for children much earlier than I was. However, he stayed patient and never pressured me to make the decision to TTC. He is always so encouraging to me, despite the crazy things that have gone on with my cycles since we started this journey. I feel very fortunate to have him in my life. I hope to be able to repay him by making him a father one day.

Last weekend I hosted the baby shower for my friend that is moving away. It was so nice to be able to give her and her husband that memory before they leave. She got so many great gifts! I decided not to have any games at the shower because they are not really my thing. I think people spend enough time eating and watching the gifts being opened, that it is not necessary to make them suffer through doing silly things. Apparently the girls that attended agreed with me, because they all thanked me for not making them play games! Instead, we gave a few gift baskets away by placing stickers under the plates. Quick and easy, just my style.

So, here's hoping my temps stay up, and AF stays away!

Another Cycle Down

Well, AF came last week. I took this new cycle pretty hard. I've been pretty strong through the whole TTC process, but I really hoped it would be my cycle. It would have been perfect- a baby due almost on my birthday, my due date would have been mid-semester so I could have still taken some classes, and October is a slower time at work so I wouldn't have had to stress about having time off.

The first two days of my cycle, all I could do was cry. One whole year of unsuccessfully TTC. I even had to cancel dinner with my PG friend because I knew I couldn't hold it together long enough to not become a crying fool in public.

Thankfully, I am feeling better now. I'm don't really believe in "fate" per se, but I'm just going to take it one cycle at a time, and when it's meant to happen it will. That does not mean I am not going to be proactive with my health, I am just trying not to upset myself about it.

The next step will be getting a semen analysis for Mr. Sassy Bud. My gut feeling is that there is nothing wrong on his end. He has never smoked, drank, done any type of drugs and he has a pretty healthy diet. I know there are other factors, but I'm feeling/hoping it is not his problem. We are still going to have the test done though, just to cover all of the bases.

I only wish I had known about charting earlier in our journey. I have no idea if I even ovulated before last month. Looking at my 84 day cycle, it seems quite possible that all of our trying previously was just a waste. Oh well, at least we had fun trying!

I also signed up for a Short-Term Disability plan last night. It has a 14-day elimination period (the time you have to be disabled before you can collect benefits) and a 10-month waiting period before I can become disabled. Basically, if I were to get PG this month, I will miss the waiting period by a few days. I know a lot of people do this to "tempt fate," but I just wasn't too concerned about having one before, and now I feel like I really need to have something to fall back on, in case something were to happen to Mr. Sassy Bud's job. So, if this isn't our cycle, I will be ok with that. It gives me some time for my waiting period to be valid.

This weekend I am hosting a baby shower for my close friend. I hope that I can make it through without getting emotional. She is moving out of the country in a few weeks, and she deserves to have a wonderful shower and to be happy. I don't want to ruin that. So, I'll be putting on my happy face, at least until it's over and I'm in the safety of my car. Then, I can't make any promises.

I Outed Myself

Mr. Sassy Bud and I have been keeping the TTC business pretty hush-hush for the past year. The only people that are aware that we have been trying (unsuccessfully) are his parents, my older sister, and one close friend/neighbor. I prefer to keep my personal business just that, personal.

I had dinner with a friend this past week. She is one of my closest friends, and also a self-proclaimed baby-hater. She has made it quite obvious that she does not, and may never want to have children. We've had the discussion about children many times before and she always comments about how I better not get pregnant anytime soon. Those comments have gotten past the point of annoyance to me, and now are just down right rude. This conversation happened to come up again when we were at dinner. So, I told her- about TTC for the past year, about the trouble I have had, and how frustrating it has been to me. My decision to tell her was mostly due to not wanting to hear her negative comments anymore, and if/when I do get KU I really don't think I could handle what I'm sure would come out of her mouth if she hadn't understood the whole process. Overall, I think it went well. Besides making a stabbing motion towards her head with the chopstick, she didn't really say much besides that she understands why I feel this is a good time for us to TTC.

In other news, today is CD17. My chart overlay is showing that my temps are very similar to last cycle (ended with Provera at CD84). I'm optimistically waiting to O, but I'm not getting my hopes up. My annual ob/gyn appointment is in February (along with my one-year TTC anniversary), so if I haven't made any progress by then, I will see what her plan for us is. Until then, I'm being patient and keeping busy.