Accepting the label

I've been seeing an RE since September. I'm on cycle 11. Not one of my medicated cycles has produced the results within my body that I need to get pregnant. But I was still struggling with saying that I was dealing with infertility. I don't know why it has been so difficult for me to accept...I guess it's something about being labeled as something that is so negative and sad. I didn't want that label to define who I am and my attitude towards life. I've realized that I need to deal with this the same way I would deal with anything else in my life. Aggressive and with confidence. And also with hope and optimism.

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The first thing I usually do when I need to get as much information on a subject as possible is get a book. I know the internet has a ton of info that is readily available, but I am a book lover and enjoy learning new things as I turn the page. So I went to the library after work today and picked up three books on infertility, including Conquering Infertility by Dr. Alice Domar. This book has been mentioned by both Dandelion Bud and Worry Bud so I figured it would be a good start!

Where we are right now - I had an appointment on Saturday and Monday and my follicles didn't do so hot this month (on CD16 I had only one that was worth anything and it was only at 15) and my lining was a depressing 4.8. I was pretty much expecting this as I had been spotting for almost 6 days. We actually met with the RE on Monday, and she reviewed all of our cycles and said that my body was not responding to this protocol and that we probably need to move on. Our options? An injectable/IUI cycle with a cost of about $2000 for one month and a 20-25% success rate, or IVF with a cost of about $6000 (for a shared donor cycle...more on that later) and a 70% success rate. This was a pretty big shock and something I was hoping to never hear. She also offered to do one more cycle like we did last month (since I did have some improvement) to see if we got a better response and also to give us some time to think about our options.

Right now we're kind of in a holding pattern, just waiting...which seems like is all you ever do when trying to get pregnant! We're going to do one more month of the femara/estrogen/progesterone meds and then make a decision based on how the cycle goes. If it doesn't work, I would like to go straight to what gives us our best shot which is IVF, but we also have to consider the cost (no insurance coverage, so all OOP) and if we are comfortable with a shared donor cycle. What this means is that half of our embryos will be donated to a couple struggling with IF and that couple will pay for half of our procedure. My initial reaction is that if we can help another couple going through this, especially one who is probably looking at their last options with the help of people like us, I will do it. I could be someone's one shot at having what they so desperately want, and I'm at the point where I can really relate to that desperation. But Mr. CB and I will have to have some serious discussions about this to see what our hearts tell us to do.

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I'm praying for a miracle to happen in the next few months and hoping I see that BFP before we have to make all of these tough decisions.

IVF about to begin?

I swear my dear old Aunt Flo is playing games with my mind right now. Last night I started spotting with brownish/red blood (sorry for the TMI) & I figured when I woke up this AM, AF would be full on. Nope. She has pretty much disappeared as of yet. I am hoping that IF she is going to come, then she just does so that I can call my IVF nurse for directions on what to do to get our IVF cycle under way! I have a lot of emotions running thru me right now, but mostly I'm hopeful for our future!!

I am calling a IF counselor today to see if me & Mr. Worry Bud can get in & talk to a professional about the stress & anxiety I'm beginning to feel. I guess it's just fear of the unknown, so I want to stop any negative thoughts before they begin. I'm not sure exactly what we/I will get out of the session, but I truly believe that the less depressed/anxious/stressed you are about your cycle, the better outcomes will be. Dr. Alice Domar talks about the importance of the mind/body connection in her book, "Conquering Infertility".

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In addition to the professional counseling, I am trying to get into yoga & practice other relaxation techniques. I'm trying to rid my life of unnecessary stressors & just focus on us making a baby for now. Thanks again for all the T&P being sent my way - it helps to know others are thinking of us. :o)

Thoughts upon becoming a bitter infertile....

I never thought I'd be here.

11 months ago, I imagined ditching the condoms... and a few months later, PingOAS and finding some cutesy way to tell DH that I was knocked up.

Fast forward.

Here I am. Monthly supply of tampax intact, "Conquering Infertility" by Dr Alice Domar (more on this book and Alice Domar's Mind/Body Connection in my next entry) on my nightstand, St Gerard medal around my neck and a Hamsa being hung above our bedroom window.

I've done wiccan chants, burned custom candles and have had more theology discussions than my DH (with 12 years of catholic school) or I (with 8 years of hebrew school) had ever thought were possible.

I'm a cynic. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm afraid. I'm hopeful. I'm worried. I'm bitter.

I'm so bitter.

Male factor infertility. It's such a joke. The factor may be his but infertility is ours. I'm the one not getting pregnant. I'm the one buying the freakin' tampax.

I know he feels bad when I get my period... because I get like this. And I cry. Believe me I cry. I try not to - and I try to hide it when I do. But it's not that easy.

I know he feels responsible. But so do I. Because I'm the one not getting pregnant.

Cycle 11. How did I get here?

FUIF.