Ready for ET

After my tumultuous day on Tuesday, the week got slightly worse before it got better. I was exhausted on Wednesday from being so stressed on Tuesday. However I still had to teach an entire day and then I had a grad class afterward. I knew there was no way that I could make it through the class, so I went through DD's and bought myself a coffee, a real coffee. You know, the kind with caffeine that most of the world drinks. This was my first caffeinated drink in months, but I didn't think anything of it. I always had coffee late in the afternoon and I was fine, so why would this be any different.

I realized my mistake later that night when I was wide awake at midnight. However the caffeine wasn't the only thing keeping me up. I was in so much pain that any time I would even roll to my side, I was in severe pain. I also couldn't touch my stomach because of all the pain. I was positive I had OHSS and was contemplating waking Mr. PB up to bring me to the emergency room. At some point however (I believe around 3 AM), I fell asleep. A few hours later, I woke and felt about 75% better. I still had slight pain, but nothing really to talk about. I spent the day drinking Gatorade and eating protein. I was waiting for the pain to return later that night. It didn't and by the next morning I had no pain what-so-ever.

That sort of leaves me where I am right now. I am awaiting my ET which is scheduled for noon today. I will have 25 minutes of acupuncture before and after the transfer and then it is the couch for me for the rest of the weekend. I truly hope that these blasts are strong and snuggle in. I am ready to the be the next bud with a success story.

Roller Coaster Ride

That is exactly what IF is. It is one long roller coaster ride that I just can't seem to get off of.
High - 20 follicles found on Saturday
Coming down - 15 eggs retrieved
Near the bottom - only 9 (60%) fertilized using ICSI.
Bottom - clinic schedules 3 dt since they have no confidence I will make it to 5 dt.

Well the last part is my feelings. My RE and I have planned on doing a 5dt, but clinic policy is that by day 2 6 embies need to be growing. I really feel as though if the lab had any belief that we could actually make it to 5dt, then they wouldn't schedule anything until the update tomorrow. I am already preparing myself for a fight. I WILL NOT go in for a 3dt. It didn't work the first time and I'm not taking the chances the second time. We are only transferring 2 embies and I really do not care if we have none to freeze. If this cycle doesn't work, then I am moving to a different clinic.

I just feel so beat down. Why can't this happen for us? Why is the doctor saying nothing is wrong when there is obviously sperm and/or egg issues? I will update you ladies tomorrow, right now I am going to cry in my gatorade.

Follie check #1

I was able to start stims last Friday. After four nights of 150 IU of gonal-f, I went into the clinic this morning for u/s and b/w. After a slight delay due to lost power and a few tears due to missing my one free period (damn hormones), the nurse told me I was off to a great start. I have quite a few smaller follicles on both sides and one to two that measure 10 mm to 11 mm. That was all the information I got. I am always so impressed by the ladies who ask for every little measurement and all the hormone levels. I always mean to ask, but I don't and my clinic does always volunteer them.

Because I am such a good responder, I got a prize today: an extra shot. In addition to 150 IU of gonal-f, I get to add cetrotide. Awesome! Add my acupuncture tomorrow and I will be lucky if I'm not leaking by the time I go in for my follow up on Thursday.

I forgot just how emotional I am on stimms. I really think my family believes I have cracked. I cried hysterical twice this weekend over silly little things. 1) Beyonce on the VMAs- really why can she have it all plus get pregnant 2)Children at family restaurants - I swear the guy at the table near us was propping his son up just to make sure he was right in my line of vision. 3) Missing my one free period today at work when really I wouldn't have done anything except chat with my friend. Can't wait to see what happens when I add more hormones and parents at Open House. Please oh please don't cry!

SORRY

I have been a very bad blogger this summer. You would think with the summers off I would have this time to blog; however I haven't had much time to sit down and write. I have also been tying to stay as sane as possible with everything that is going on. I did find out from our insurance company that even though I was originally told I had no infertility limit, I can only do 6 ART cycles. The no limit applies to a monetary limit. So without realizing it, I have used up 1/3rd of our chances to get pregnant. I have to admit this freaks me out a little bit. I know we would never be able to try once our insurance runs out. Hopefully this upcoming cycle works.

Just a few hours ago, I took my last BCP. Hopefully AF will show up again soon so that I can start stimming for my next ER. I am cautiously optimistic that this must work. Third time's a charm right?

A very belated updated

We found out that FET #1 was a BFN on July 11th. Even though I knew it in my heart, it still hurt more than anything. However after a day of crying and an hour of talking with my therapist, I felt much better. I am still going to continue with treatments even though I am not very confident for some reason. I am going for our WTF this Wednesday. I was going to go alone, because Mr. PlannerBud is starting a new job on Monday and doesn't want to ask for time off so early. However, my therapist convinced me to bring my mother along. I normally go in with a list of questions and ask none of them; this will help me get the answer I want. If our RE doesn't change the protocol at all, we are going to another clinic (about an hour away) for a second opinion. I hope it doesn't come to that, but I want to be prepared.

The reason for this long delayed update is that Mr. PlannerBud and I took off for a week long cruise on Saturday. I was really anxious about going since I knew it was summer and lots of kids would be on the ship. What I didn't know is that it was a Nickelodeon cruise. Every show at night was started by either Patrick and Spongebob or Dora and Diego. Luckily there was a lot of alcohol on the ship and we both partook in plenty of it. Unlike other ships I have been on, there were very few places to escape children. The adults only pool was right next to the family pool and the adults only rule wasn't strictly enforced. The night club was supposed to be 18+ at night, but they allowed children in with their parents. The only true child-free place was a stateroom, which I swear was a broom closet originally. To make matter worse, every couple we sat down next to asked if we left the kids at home. When we said we didn't have kids, they almost always responded with something about how difficult or how horrible kids are. GRRR. That makes one more "last vacation before children" vacation to add to the books. Let's see how many more of these we can list. :::insert eye roll:::

FET Scheduled!

I am too hormonal and tired to really be too witty tonight. I did want to say though that my FET is scheduled for Friday morning. We are planning to transfer two of our three frozen embryos. I hope that we can get at least two. My RE told us that not all embryos thaw successfully and we can be left with any where between zero and three embryos. I haven't been very confident about the chances of this happening, but someone on one of my board groups just got pregnant with her first FET, so here is hope.

I just found out that family friend is going through a FET as well. Almost two years ago, she had her first IVF to have her daughter. Her and her husband are trying to their second. The first IVF didn't work, so they will be doing a FET later this summer. A huge part of me hopes that I get pregnant first. I know it is very b*tchy, but I know it would be very painful to have her get pregnant with her second before I even get my first. It doesn't make it any easier that she and I go to the same clinic, just different doctors. Good luck to both us!

Hormones? Check!

I started taking estrace 2mg twice daily this past Monday. On Thursday, I went to see my therapist and she asked how I was doing with them. Fine, I said. I have had zero side effect, I said. If only it stayed that way. Over the past 24 hours, I have had at least four random crying fits and one random angry fit towards Mr. Planner Bud. The hormones have arrived! Really, I don't think seeing a picture of your father eating a lobster should send you into tears, because "it's not fair that you are at home and not there". How about getting angry at your husband (who is doing you a favor and picking up a gift for your dad) because the first two stores he went didn't have the movie you wanted to get? Yay, they have been that type of crazy moments. Aren't hormones joyful?

All in all this cycle has been pretty easy so far. I have had to take no injections and the estrace pills are smaller than BCP. I have been drinking and having my diet soda; it is nice not having to think about egg quality or things like that. I am thoroughly enjoying living my life like I did before TTC again. This will all come to an end around July 1. Right now that is my scheduled ET. I am excited, but nervous. I am having a hard time being positive about it. Every logical piece of my mind is telling me that if a textbook cycle didn't work, why would something with lower success rates? However, I know that none of this really logical. Hopefully the next couple weeks go quickly.

Popsicles, anyone?

In another month or so, Mr.Planner and I will be transfer two of our own Popsicles. We met with our RE on Monday to figure out what had happened with our last IVF. We got some of the hardest news that we could get. Nothing went wrong. According to our RE, we had a perfect cycle up until our results. We were just the unlucky couple that fell on the bad side of the statistics. While our RE may not be the most touchy-feely man, he did do a good job to make me understand that nothing I did affected the results. Not the 10 hour days, not the stress, not the bad diet, nothing. That was very comforting. So, what is next?

We are moving ahead to a frozen embryo transfer (FET) with my next cycle. We have three embryos frozen, one of high quality and two of average. Our RE said that some embryos don't survive thawing, so we could end up from anywhere from zero to three embryos. Hopefully we will have two good popsicles to transfer come the time. This cycle is so much easier than the IVF. I have to take some estrogen pills to stop me from ovulating naturally and then I have to take some progesterone suppositories to help build up my lining. I don't have to have any injections or any surgery. As my RE said, this is our "Hail Mary" cycle. The chances are lower for a frozen cycle than for a fresh, but there is still a better chance than a normal couple (about 35%). I am trying to keep an open mind, but it is difficult. I am sure this will be as upsetting as the IVF if it doesn't work. Hopefully though I won't even need to think about it.

BFFN

That's right, IVF #1 was a BFN. Even though I was preparing for it, I am actually shocked. We had two very strong embryos, I stayed on bed rest for two days (RE recommends 1), I drank my POM, I ate my pineapple core, I didn't drink after first day of stims. I can't believe it.

As hard as it is, I think we are going to try again. DH wants to try another fresh cycle; I would as well. I have my WTF appointment with my RE next Monday. I am hoping to move it up. Last time we talked, the RE said we would do a frozen after the fresh. My problem with this is that while we have three embryos frozen one is very high quality and two are okay. If we couldn't get pregnant with two high quality embryos, what are our chances with only one? During this appointment, I am also going to talk to him about Mr. Plannerbud's low sperm count with all our procedures, especially the IVF. Maybe there is something that we missed.

While I am doubting that I can get pregnant, the back of my mind is telling me that it will happen. A quote a friend on one of my support board gave me the other day keeps ringing in my head. “Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it’s the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow’.” -Anne Radmacher

Embies on board!

As I mentioned in my last post, I had my ER on Sunday. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. We did however get some bad news right before I went into surgery; Mr. Plannerbud's sample was low (just about 3 million) that we had to do ICSI, which our insurance may not cover. We had to decide whether we would take the chance and possibly have to pay $2500. It was a big decision to make when I was already nervous, but we decided to go with it since it meant a 75% of fertilization. That decision made, I went into surgery. They were able to get 12 eggs! We were so excited.

The next day or so I was uncomfortable, but Mr. Plannerbud was amazing. He waited on me all week and helped to make me as comfortable as possible. All of this was made even better by our fert report: 7 out of the 12 fertilized. We were very excited, and so were my parents. My dad kept telling me that he hoped the "kids were playing good in nursery". It is so great that are on board with all of this.

Three days later, on Wednesday, I went in for the transfer. I pulled out all the stops and had pre- and post-transfer acupuncture at the clinic. Mr. Plannerbud and I are hoping this will be our one and only IVF, so we are doing everything we can. After my first session, the doctor transferred two embryos; one was 10 cells, one was 8, both were considered high implantation potential and had no fragmentation. The nurse who was working with me was hilarious and had me almost in tears during the whole process.

We are now in the waiting process. I go in for my beta on May 15th. Mr. Plannerbud and I are going back and forth on whether to test before it or not. Hopefully my next post will my BFP!

As a parting gift, a picture of my possible future children:

ER scheduled

After only 6 days of stimming, my body is ready for the ER. During my two monitoring appointments, I have about 4-5 follicles on either side. Personally, I thought this was a little low and very quick, but as someone in my infertility group told me, I need to trust my doctor, he knows more than me. I guess she is right. I had to take my ovidrel shot last night at 8, which I basically slept through with Mr. Planner bud helping me. I go into the clinic Sunday morning at 7 AM. We are hoping for a three day transfer on Wednesday.

My clinic doesn't believe bed rest is necessary and recommends I be relax the day of transfer. However, I am such a worry wort that I putting myself on modified bed rest for the day of the ET and the day after. If nothing else, it will give me two days off of work and I missing the last class of two different graduate classes.

I will definitely post about my fert report when the information comes in, but now I need to go write a paper that I thought I would have Saturday and Sunday to write.

Beginning Stimming

After willing and begging AF to arrive, the biatch showed up this morning after I called the RE's to say she didn't arrive. After waiting by the phone all day (I haven't done this since my days trying to find a guy), I just talked to the nurse. I can begin stims on Saturday. This is actually beginning. I actually have a good chance, at least 50%, of being pregnant in a month. This is the best chance that we have had in months. BRING IT ON!

I am very lucky that my friends know about what is going on since I have to take my very first shot during our HP 7 girls' night celebration. Mr. Plannerbud is actually secretly excited that he gets out of one night of helping me with the shot. He will probably be planning lots of events right around my 8 pm shot time.

I will be taking 150iu of Gonal F. From what I have read the side effects are not truly that bad. Many people had harsher side effects with clomid than with the injections. I hope it is the same for me. I am already on edge and snapping at poor Mr. Planner bud and the cycle hasn't really even started.

Fingers crossed that I stim quickly and can get in and out before MCAS testing so my boss doesn't kill me!

Strangest TTC thoughts ever

Some of my thoughts the past few included: "Oh crap, did I remember to take my birth control?" and "Come on AF show up now!"

What kind of TTC thoughts are these? The world of infertility is very crazy and can definitely turn you around at times. While these thoughts would definitely be counterproductive to a normal person TTC, for someone going through IVF it is a normal thought. I have just trained my brain to where all this is normal and at least Mr. Planner Bud and I can joke about it. We went out with friends over the weekend and I had to take my pill while at dinner. The husband was thoroughly confused and asked, "I thought you were trying to get pregnant, what happened?" Mr. Planner bud looks at me and says, "Crap, this is what we have been doing wrong for over a year and a half."

I finished taking the BCP on Sunday and am now waiting for AF to show it. This is another crazy feeling. I have been hoping for AF to come for the last two cycles. This is not what one normally wishes for when desperately trying to have a child. Hopefully AF shows her lovely face today; if not, I will have to call the RE's and go in for some bloodwork. I am just beyond excited to start stimming and get this show on the road. Come on I have this huge pile of needles waiting to be used:

IF Whirlwind

It has been quite and interesting few days since I last posted. I have spent the last few days on the verge of tears. There were even a couple days where I didn't make it out of bed. I was beside myself that our treatment was being pushed back so far. I was sure our chances of getting pregnant during 2011 was totally shot.

Then AF showed up two days early on Saturday. It made my depressed mood even lower. It was Mr. Planner bud's birthday on Sunday and I wanted more than anything to give a BFP, or at least some sexy time. I also thought that this completely shot our chances of doing anything this cycle.

This morning I called my office to let them know I was on CD 3 and see if we could do anything this cycle. The nurse told me she would talk to the doctor, but probably not.

Fast forward to 3:30 today. I get another call from the office. It was the insurance liaison saying that our petition for IVF got okayed for three cycles. I was through the roof. I still thought it meant that we would be out this cycle, but at least we had a great plan. I called the nurse to see if we could possible start today, even though I am on CD3 and not CD1. The answer was YES, pick up your BCP in a couple hours. We are beginning this cycle.

I am beyond excited that we actually have a real chance to try for a child. I know that it may not work out time one, but at least I will know. By the end of this year, I will know whether we can have a child or think about adoption.

Tufts you suck!

Last time I posted, I was anxiously counting down the days until AF shows up. Now I am begging and pleading for AF to be a week or more late. Why? Because my insurance denied our claim for IVF. They say I need to do three FSH + IUI cycles first. After sobbing on the phone to my RE, he agrees that IVF is our best bet. He feels as though the IUIs have a very slim chance of working. Yesterday they resubmitted the request with notes from him this is best chance for us with the lowest possibilities of problems (like HOM). If they reject it again, then the office will just put in for the IUIs.

That being said, the chances of us actually being able to do anything this cycle are slim to none. I absolutely hate that we are being forced to wait and it is so messing up our plans. Mr. Plannerbud and I just booked a cruise mid-July. Have much thinking we decided to keep our trip booked, even though it means we won't be able to cycle that month. If we have to do the three IUIs, we want to do them back to back as much as we can, so May, June and August. We would then begin the IVF hopefully right afterward. Just the thought that it may be September before we can do something that actually can get us pregnant is heart wrenching. I really don't know how I'm going to handle to disappointment until then. It just seems way too long away.

Come in AF!

This has been the weirdest few days of TTC that I have had so far. I am been egging on AF to show. Can you believe that? Crazy infertile me calling on AF to come in? Really? I am only 5 dpo, but I would be super excited if AF decided to show tomorrow.

I am really at the point where I want to start our IVF cycle soon. I looked at all my shot information (which scares the sh*t out of me) and I need to call the insurance liaison and injections nurse next week.

April 4th (the projected day of AF's arrival) seems like ages from now. It is very relaxing to not be thinking about TTC as much. I am having caffeinated coffee in the morning and a glass of wine or beer at night (GASP!).

I hope this next week and half is as short as this entry.

IVF, here we come!

It is offical; Mr. Plannerbud and I are moving onto IVF. We met with our RE earlier today and he thinks this is the best thing for us. Since we are textbook "normal" and I am still young (27), he says we have about a 50/50 chance of getting pregnant with our first few cycles. I know that he probably says that to a lot of people, but I trust that if the chances were slim, he would be telling us so.

Mr. Plannerbud and I are very excited and cannot wait to begin this journey. I do have say though I am a little nervous about all the injections, especially when I have to do two in one day! Hopefully I don't really mess up mixing or setting the correct dosage. My major fear though is that I will have to my trigger shot mid-school day. How will I dress that with my students? "Hold on class, Mrs. P needs to run to bathroom to inject herself with some drugs. Please read silently." Yeah that would go over big.

Now we really just have to wait for this month to pass. I have given up temping. I haven't remembered to do it in like three days and I don't think it is super important for where we are right now. Hopefully I will at least remember to use my OPKs starting tomorrow, so at least we would have some chance this month. It is going to be a crazy few months.

Unexpected Medicine

Since the birth of my friend's daughter sent my week into a tailspin, I was nervous to meet her. I should never had been. The second I held the beautiful girl in my arms, my own sadness about not having a child disappeared. I was content to hold her look at her for hours. My friends are incredibly happy and proud; both were literally beaming as they showed off their new daughter. I may be bias, but I have to say she is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen and I have been plotting how to get back to see her since Friday.

As I was leaving the hospital, I was waiting for the depression to hit me. It really never did; it just made me even more certain that I want a child and will do whatever I can to have one. I can't wait to see Mr. Plannerbud beaming as he passes his child to visitors. I can't wait to see the look on my friends' faces as they fall in love with
my child. I am certain now that we will do what we can and will not give up.

We have our next meeting with our RE on Wednesday. I will be on CD 10, so hopefully that gives us enough time (over 2 weeks) to set up all we need to so we can start with my next cycle. I told you the couple cycle break would quickly go out the window. I will update you ladies after we talk with the doctor. I just hope he has the same ideas in mind as we do.

I thought I was alright with this

I don't know if it is because of all the AF hormones or what, but I am completely falling apart. Last night my good friend had her baby, the first in our group. I am incredibly happy for her and her husband and I can't wait to meet the new little girl. That being said, I can't keep myself together. I didn't think this birth would affect me this way. I made it through the shower and weekly calls, monthly visits. I made it through discussions of nurseries, day care, cute baby outfits. With the exception of the initial announcement (to which I fell apart), I made it through everything with barely a chocked up feeling. Now I am that crazy teacher that cries for now reason. Seriously, I cried four times today at work, three times when students were near. The best moment was after school during practice for the school musical when an eighth grade girl was singing about the "joys of motherhood" and I had to run from the auditorium in tears. Really? When did I become this woman?

It is just so hard to think about. My friend and her husband got married only a two months after Mr. Plannerbud and I. We started TTC together and were excited to "go through it together." Here we are about 18 months later and they are holding their darling little girl and I am crying in the middle of a lessons on prepositions. "Yes, students, tears are falling from my eyes. From is a preposition."

I just don't even know how to put myself together. I can longer be the strong the one. I guess I should talk to the admins about changing my name to Bitter Bud. I guess I am going to be the downer of the crew.

Another one bites the dust!

I remember when my friends and I would apply that very same phrase to guys in our freshman class at college. None of us really thought that when we went to a college in NYC with a large performing arts program there would be no available guys. The year started with all these available straight men, but slowly...da, da, da, da Another one bites the dust...they all came out at started dating each other. It has been years since I have thought of this anecdote. Sadly now this phrase no longer represents all the men I can't date, but it stands for all the cycles that ended with a BFN...18 to be specific.

Even though we officially started TTC January 2009 (15 cycles ago), we did spend a little time in the limbo land of not-not trying for three cycles. Add all this together and you get 18 cycles with no BFP in sight. To say I am despondent would be an understatement. I have reached the point that I don't think I will ever see a BFP. The dream of having a biological child feels farther away than ever. In a hundred years, I NEVER thought we would be here.

We do have an appointment scheduled with our RE on the 16th to figure out what is next. I am pretty sure we are going to move on to IVF. We have insurance coverage and I don't want to waste any more time with IUIs that obviously do not work. However, I think I would like to take a few months break first, but I am sure that will change if the RE says we can start right away.

At this point I can barely think straight, so I am going to wrap it. Welcome to our new buds. I hope your BFPs come a lot quicker than mine is coming.