Cycle Day 7 - I Might Be Normal Again

Well, today is the 7th day of my cycle and there is no sign of Ov in sight. No CM and no temp increases. On the 8th day of my last cycle, FF says I OV'd. I would think if that were the case this cycle, I would of atleast gotten a positive OPK by now. I tested Monday 2x, Tuesday 3x, and once this morning got all negatives. Just a little bit of LH in my system but not enough that means OV is coming. I recently learned that LH is always in our bodies. Who knew?!
So maybe this means my cycle might be somewhat normal this month! That would be such a relief!

Today is the last day of my 5 day dosage of Femara. The 2- 2.5 mg pills each day hasn't caused any side effects. Just slight headaches .....but I think those were around before I took even took the meds. Now today.....that is another story. I've been taking them at 11am each day, and today at around 2:30ish, I got SOOOO sluggish and dizzy. The headache came to. I attribute all of this to the Femara. I'm glad it's the last day! I am experiencing some weird pains on each side where my ovaries are......idk what that means.

Now I just pray that the Femara does what it is supposed to do and ensures that I OV. Ideally, that would be around day 12 or 13. That way my egg will be soft enough for the little squirmys to get in ;)

Here is my chart as of this morning......no abnormal temperature spike, so hopefully it holds off another few days!!

Uninvited Guest

A little bit of nausea the past couple days and a consistently high temperature gave me a glimmer of hope that I might just be KU. Although I knew in my heart I really wasn't. I didn't let myself get excited so the disappointment was minimal when I got my declining temperature yesterday morning. I knew she was coming soon and she did. Aunt Flo graced me with her presence during an already stressful day at work yesterday. She treated me with ungodly painful cramps that had me hunched over in pain. Oh well, the pain lets me remember that I'm still alive ;)

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http://www.weddingbee.com/2009/05/05/planning-for-aunt-flo/

So today is day 2 of my cycle and I start the Femara tomorrow! I'm pretty excited about it but still a bit nervous. I really hope I don't Ovulate as early in this cycle as I did my last (Day 7).

Instructions for use: Take 2 tablets (2.5mg) by mouth everyday at the same time on cycle day 3-7. The side effects are supposed to be minimal, but I will keep everyone posted on how it makes me feel. Wish me luck friends!!

Who Ever Said Nothing In Life Is Free?

So I went to pick up my script today for my Femara. Thankfully there is a generic for this drug which makes it much more affordable. However, to my surprise, this medication was not only covered by my insurance, it was FREE!!! Yes Free! How? Why? Don't know and don't care!

I grabbed those pills and pretty much sprinted out of Walgreens as fast as I could before they could tell me something was wrong. Is this a sign that I'm supposed to get knocked up soon?! Lets hope so! I will start on this medication around mid December.

Instructions for use: Take 2 tablets (2.5mg) by mouth everyday on cycle day 3-7

For the hell of it, I thought I would post some basic info about this Clomid replacement.
Credit: http://www.ivf1.com/letrozole-femara-infertility/

Letrozole, also sold under the name Femara, is being used commonly as an infertility treatment. It is also medication that has been widely used in women with breast cancer. Letrozole, taken during cyle day's 3-7, is a medication that is metabolized rapidly in the body and is not thought to have significant levels in the blood or tissues for a prolonged period of time.

Credit: http://www.advancedfertility.com/femara-letrozole-fertility.htm

• Femara is known to have a short half-life in the bloodstream and is given early in the menstrual cycle - several days before a fertilized embryo is present.
• It is believed that the drug has cleared from the system before the egg is fertilized. Therefore, it is puzzling as to how the drug could cause birth defects.
• The manufacturer of the drug has apparently not filed for FDA approval to use it for infertility. However, physicians often use medications in an "off label" way. When the off label use is safe and effective it is perfectly legitimate.

Another GREAT resource can be located at:
http://www.ivf.com/clom.html

And let me remind you of what my doc said......."All of the benefits of Clomid, but without the nasty side effects!"

Confession time: I'm still angry

I don't know why, but this whole pregnancy I have been watching my "baby is the size of what fruit" ticker like a hawk, just waiting to get to lime.

For some reason, I have always watched other people's tickers get to lime and it has seemed unreal.  This safe haven of fruit size. 

I think anytime you have trouble trying to conceive, you start to expect things to go wrong.  I have had no spotting this entire time *knock on wood*, yet I still have been both terrified and sure something would go wrong.  Even knowing the odds, hearing the heartbeat and knowing the risk is only 4%, I still expected it to be me.  And why not?  Month after month we had perfect timing, odds are it should have worked.  But it didn't.  It took 2 cycles of femara to get here, which is far less than a lot of women I know.  Which I think is also part of the problem.  When it takes a while, you start seeking out others having trouble, blogs, message boards, you find each other for support, but you also see all that can go wrong, and you think, "if it can happen to them, it can happen to me."

I've heard a lot of women say, and I fully agree that T-TTC takes the innocence away from TTC and pregnancy.  You're never just happy, you're also cautious and terrified.  We learn to be that way when TTC, when every month we say "maybe it will work, but probably not."  And you hold you breath every day of the 2ww waiting for a temp drop, or a BFN, or that first spot. 

I always thought that reaching lime would be this magic bullet.  This time when I could stop being afraid, and angry about how this has all gone down.  But I'm not.  A friend whose wife is 23 weeks was joking yesterday about how when they conceived their baby, they sent their other kids to the grandparents for the weekend and announced to the world that they were going to make a baby that weekend.  And guess what, they did.  You'd think I wouldn't care anymore.  That I would have stopped being jealous of him and everyone else who just decides to have a baby, and then does just like that.  But I'm not, I'm still angry. 

I am pregnant, and I am happy, and I love this baby, but I still don't quite believe that it will all end well.  And I'm still jealous of those for whom becoming parents comes easy.  I don't want to be.  I hate being this bitter.  I want to be happy for my friend even when he makes stupid insensitive comments.  I thought I would be "over this" by now, but I'm not.  I just wish I knew how to let it go and just be happy. 

Trying to stay positive

I am on CD 10, and I am having a hard time feeling positive this month. I know I need to do just that but it's so hard! I am finished with my femara for this month, and started my estrogen patches today. My midmonth follicle/lining check is on Thursday, and ever since we decided to do an IUI this month I just feel like there is so much more at stake. I just want everything to look good so we at least have the chance to try the IUI. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next three days, but while I wait I will have everything crossed and will be praying 24/7 that we get good news on Thursday!

So that's what that was...

When I went to the doctor last Monday I had been spotting on and off since right after Christmas. My lining was thin, my follies were small and my trigger was cancelled. I continued spotting all week and then Friday I found myself with full-on flow. But if this was my period it was over 7 days early! The flow continued through Saturday and then stopped altogether on Sunday. I called my nurse this morning and after describing everything she thought it was probably my period, making today CD 4 and with that I had to schedule a last minute appointment to go in for my baseline sono and to get my prescription for my last month, last ditch effort of femara/estrogen patches/HCG trigger/progesterone. I go back on the 21st for my midmonth check. I've stocked up on pomegranate juice, cut out most alcohol (hey, I give myself two glasses of wine on the weekend...with all that I'm going through I deserve it!), have been listening to fertility meditation CDs and am trying to stay calm and stress-free so my body can be healthy and ready for a little baby to make itself comfortable.

Mr. CB and I also decided today that if all looks good on my midmonth check (a manageable number of good sized follicles and a lining over 7 mm) we will be doing an IUI this month. My insurance covers half of an IUI, so we figured we may as well do everything we can to maximize our chances this month.

In other life news, we are the proud owners of a brand new laptop! My old laptop was ancient by computer standards (bought in early 2003) and I have been feeling like it was going to kick the bucket any minute. I asked my family for Best Buy gift cards or "computer cash" for Christmas and we got enough to almost completely pay for it! It's a shiny black Toshiba Satellite with lots of ram and gigs and memory and all that computer stuff. I had our tech guy at work help me pick one out so I know it's good, but I just care that it has a big screen, surfs the web at a fast speed and burns CDs and movies. It's so much fun getting new big girl toys!

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Accepting the label

I've been seeing an RE since September. I'm on cycle 11. Not one of my medicated cycles has produced the results within my body that I need to get pregnant. But I was still struggling with saying that I was dealing with infertility. I don't know why it has been so difficult for me to accept...I guess it's something about being labeled as something that is so negative and sad. I didn't want that label to define who I am and my attitude towards life. I've realized that I need to deal with this the same way I would deal with anything else in my life. Aggressive and with confidence. And also with hope and optimism.

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The first thing I usually do when I need to get as much information on a subject as possible is get a book. I know the internet has a ton of info that is readily available, but I am a book lover and enjoy learning new things as I turn the page. So I went to the library after work today and picked up three books on infertility, including Conquering Infertility by Dr. Alice Domar. This book has been mentioned by both Dandelion Bud and Worry Bud so I figured it would be a good start!

Where we are right now - I had an appointment on Saturday and Monday and my follicles didn't do so hot this month (on CD16 I had only one that was worth anything and it was only at 15) and my lining was a depressing 4.8. I was pretty much expecting this as I had been spotting for almost 6 days. We actually met with the RE on Monday, and she reviewed all of our cycles and said that my body was not responding to this protocol and that we probably need to move on. Our options? An injectable/IUI cycle with a cost of about $2000 for one month and a 20-25% success rate, or IVF with a cost of about $6000 (for a shared donor cycle...more on that later) and a 70% success rate. This was a pretty big shock and something I was hoping to never hear. She also offered to do one more cycle like we did last month (since I did have some improvement) to see if we got a better response and also to give us some time to think about our options.

Right now we're kind of in a holding pattern, just waiting...which seems like is all you ever do when trying to get pregnant! We're going to do one more month of the femara/estrogen/progesterone meds and then make a decision based on how the cycle goes. If it doesn't work, I would like to go straight to what gives us our best shot which is IVF, but we also have to consider the cost (no insurance coverage, so all OOP) and if we are comfortable with a shared donor cycle. What this means is that half of our embryos will be donated to a couple struggling with IF and that couple will pay for half of our procedure. My initial reaction is that if we can help another couple going through this, especially one who is probably looking at their last options with the help of people like us, I will do it. I could be someone's one shot at having what they so desperately want, and I'm at the point where I can really relate to that desperation. But Mr. CB and I will have to have some serious discussions about this to see what our hearts tell us to do.

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I'm praying for a miracle to happen in the next few months and hoping I see that BFP before we have to make all of these tough decisions.

Quick appointment update

I had my baseline sono today at my RE's office and all is normal and as expected. She did say that I had a small cyst on my right overy but that it was collapsing and would go away with my period. My doctor decided to cut my dose of femara in half, thinking that my dosage may be affecting my lining in a negative way. Other than that, all is the same. 2.5 mg of femara on days 3-7, four vivelle dot (estrogen) patches on days 10-15, midcycle sono to check follicles and lining on January 2nd, then ovidrel to induce ovulation and endometrin (progesterone suppositories) four days past trigger. I am hoping and praying and crossing everything I have that 2010 brings us our Baby Chef Bud.

A positive spin on side effects

When I was getting ready to write this post, I was planning on talking about the side effect hell that I am currently experiencing...but that would not fit in with the new, improved POSITIVE Chef Bud so I decided I needed to look at my side effects in a different light.

1. I am so short-tempered that even the smallest thing can send me into a tirade...which is good at work since I'm an assistant principal. If the students weren't scared of getting in trouble and being sent to my office, they definitely are now!

2. I feel nauseous and sometimes sick to my stomach...which is good since I wanted to lose some weight anyway and it's quite easy to not eat when you feel like you're going to throw up.

3. I am an emotional mess...which is good because when I get all weepy and sad, Mr. CB feels so bad for me and will do the dishes, bring me wine, walk the dog, etc.

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I am hoping that all these side effects mean my medicine is working and doing what it is supposed to do. We are on the same plan for this month as we were last month. I've already done five days of femara, I am on day two of five for the estrogen patches, the HCG trigger shot is currently being overnighted and I anticipate triggering on Monday night after my follie check/lining check on Monday morning. I also added in pomegranate extract pills to see if nature could give my lining a boost.


Monday is a big day. My appointment is at 9 am, and I usually just go by myself if Mr. CB has to work, but I asked him to make sure he could be off to go with me. I am terrified that I'm not going to have responded to the meds, and my lining will still be thin. I know I will be a wreck if that is the case, so I want him there for support. But of course I am hopeful and optimistic for a great ultrasound that shows a big, fat, fluffy lining that is all ready for Baby CB to get comfortable for the next nine months!

First Follie Check!

So yesterday (cycle day 11) I had my first follicle check with Dr. B! I took Femara cycle days 5-9 and Follistim every other day. In addition, Dr. B has me on 1500 mg of Metformin every day for my PCOS.

My first stop at his office was into the lab to have my blood drawn by Nurse K, to check my estrogen and progesterone levels.

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Next it was time for my ultrasound with Dr. B. and I was praying that I would be responding well to this particular protocol. Sure enough the ultrasound revealed 3 follies all size 14.

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Dr. B's Instructions:

Take the final 150iu dose of Follistim Monday night
BD on Wednesday
Return for final Ultrasound and Trigger shot on Thursday
BD on Thursday
BD on Friday

Looks like Mr. Blessed Bud and I are in for a busy week...

Until Next Time,

Cycle 9, Cycle Day 12

So I'm almost at the mid-month point of this cycle. I'm surprised at how quickly the past two weeks have gone by...very unusual for me! I think I've done a better job at not thinking about TTC so much and have not stalked my chart on FF every few hours. =) So far this month, I've done my 5 days of femara, and today is day 3 on the vivelle dot patch. The patch is estrogen, and the doctor said it should help make my lining thicker. I go on Wednesday for my follicle and lining check, and I hope they have good news for me. If all goes as planned, I should do the HCG trigger shot Wednesday night which means ovulation before the week is over.

Like every other cycle, I have high hopes for this month, but at the same time I just can't picture myself getting a BFP. Hoping that I get a great Thanksgiving surprise!

Cycle 2 Underway Again!

So Cycle #2 is underway again since I got the all clear from Dr. B. This cycle we are doing the following:

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2.5 mg of Femara for 5 nights

150 iu of Follistim every other night

Ovidrel Trigger

1500 mg of Met every night

and Timed BD

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I have my first Follie check this afternoon with Dr. B and I pray that this cycle goes smoothly and that we get a BFP! I will have an update about how this cycle is progressing soon...

The 2WW is torture

Today I am 8 DPO, but it seems like it's been months since I ovulated! I don't know how 8 days can seem so long.

This has been an interesting month. It's the first month I've been on the medication regimine prescribed by my RE. At the beginning of the month, there were five days of femara. Then on CD14, I had the pleasure of giving myself a shot called ovidrel, which triggered ovulation. I actually gave myself the shot, which is a huge deal because I do NOT do well with needles. It's amazing the fears you can overcome for something you want so badly. Then four days after the shot, I started on endometrine, which is a progesterone suppository.

When I started out with all this, I was sure that it would be the trick for me to get pregnant. Now that I am at the end of my cycle I'm not so sure. I don't know what it is that makes me think I'm not pregnant right now. I've actually had more symptoms than any other month, including cramps, backaches and moodiness. But I have no idea if that is progesterone side effects or pg symptoms. I also still have high temps and no spotting, which is great for me. But again, that could be attributed to the progesterone. Maybe I am not feeling like this will be our month because I have to have some sort of defense mechanism to protect myself from being crushed if I start AF. I did test this morning and it was a BFN, but I know it was early. I guess I will have keep waiting, see what my temps do and hope that AF stays away!

I have to give myself a what???

Last Friday I had a follow-up appointment at the RE to discuss my test results from last month and to talk about our plan for the next few months. Everything was perfectly fine from my bloodwork (I don’t have HIV or syphilis, yippee!) and the HSG was clear. She did say the doctor noted that my uterus is asymmetrical and that my right tube filled with the dye a lot quicker than the left because of how the uterus is shaped. But she didn’t seem too concerned so I am not worried about that.

She then outlined the plan for this month. First off, a switch from clomid to femara. Apparently one of the side effects of clomid is thinning of the uterine lining, and since my lining was already thin during my last ultrasound, Dr. M. doesn’t want me to take clomid. Next, in the middle of my cycle I am going to go in for an ultrasound to check out my follicles and lining. Once the follicles are a certain size and look ready to be released, I will give myself an HCG trigger shot that will basically cause my body to ovulate, and Mr. CB and will do it like teenagers. Four days after the shot I will start progesterone suppositories twice a day. And hopefully all this craziness will end in a BFP.

I am totally fine with doing all of this. If my doctor told me that running around the block naked would help get me pregnant I would do it (ok, well maybe not quite that far, but you know what I mean). I will do what it takes to have a baby, but I do wish it weren’t quite so darn complicated. If the ultrasound on Monday shows that my follicles aren’t big enough, I will have to keep going back in until they are ready…and will have to keep paying $70 for each visit. Don’t even get me started about the shot. I’m not sure how that is going to work since I’m totally needlephobic. I told Mr. CB he will have to give me the shot (his response was “I hope that I’m mad or annoyed with you so I can take some pleasure out of stabbing you with a needle”…he’s a sweetheart). Then two weeks of progesterone goo leaking out of my vag. Not to mention any side effects that might come from all the medication. What happened to two people having lots of unprotected sex to get pregnant???
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In my non-TTC world, Mr. CB and I will be home this weekend for the first time in SIX WEEKS! We travel all the time, especially during football season since we have FSU season tickets. There is a home game this weekend but we decided that we are just worn out from all the weekends out of town and we just want to hang out together, at our own house, with no plans. So this weekend we will be sleeping in, working around the house, watching movies and relaxing. I can’t wait!

The pieces are falling into place...

I just got back from my HSG (a hysterosalpingogram) test. I was really, really nervous about the procedure because I read such wildly different accounts about the pain associated with the test. I am a huge WIMP and I always seem to get myself worked up about things like this, but I was proud of how calm I was last night and this morning. Once I got in the room I was a little freaked out, but the nurses and doctor were great and talked me through everything. I took a lot of deep breaths and I'm happy to report that it didn't hurt at all! Some very mild discomfort but that's it. The best news is that my tubes were all clear. This is what it looked like on the monitor when they put the dye in:

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Now I will meet with my doctor to go over everything and decide what the next move will be. From our last visit, I think she will switch me to femara (letrozole) and add in progesterone. I think I'm going to try to wait through next week before I make my appointment since I should ovulate this weekend, and if I make it to next weekend without any spotting there may be some hope for this cycle. I read that there is increased fertility after having an HSG, so that is exciting!

I did call the office manager this morning about the insurance stuff. She was very nice and basically said that what I came in to the office to discuss was infertility and that coding it another way would essentially be fraud. She said my insurance company could request my records and would see my charts and labs and know that I was in for infertility issues. I could push the issue, or find a new doctor, but I am ok with it. I decided yesterday that I needed to get a new attitude about TTC...I need to be less stressed, more go with the flow and trusting that there is a plan for us. Yes, it's a lot of money ($681 in the past three days!) but if this leads to a baby it will all be worth it.



This cartoon cracks me up because when Mr. CB and I were meeting with Dr. M she made a comment about fertility medicine being like voodoo...you just try different things until you find something that works.



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