A 2WW for Christmas

I have one day and one and a half hours of work left before I'm released for Christmas Vacation. So little of me wants to work right now that it's probably illegal. I just have no motivation to do any of my work. All I can think about is what I'm looking forward to eating for Christmas, wondering what I might get for Christmas from my parents (who always go above and beyond for no particular reason) and thinking about the idea of being pregnant.

Working for a baby supply company doesn't reduce my baby fever at all. Most people I know are deceived that if I'm around baby stuff and babies all day long (because working moms can bring their babies to work with them) that it is going to suppress that feeling of wanting to be a mom. What a joke! It's like telling someone who loves Oreos to stand in front of a freakin conveyor belt of Oreos and not touch one. What a tease!!!

To be completely honest, not many people know that we are TTC because frankly they would throw a fit. This is why I feel it's important for a short while for Mr. Travel Bud and I to keep our anonymous status in order to protect ourselves from outlashes. For serious. I did decide though that I needed to share my thoughts and feelings with people somehow since my mother looks like she's going to faint if I mention the idea of her being a grandma in her early 40s and any of my friends think I'm too young or wasting my life by wanting to have children so early. It's difficult to feel alone and not have any support, besides Mr. Travel Bud. I know that someday when I tell my mom I'm pregnant she'll eventually be happy, but I think she has irrational fears of me being just like her throughout my adult life. My mother had me when she was around 20 years old and she begged me to wait to get married until I graduated college, that didn't happen, and then she begged me to wait until I was about 27 or 28 to start having kids, and that probably won't happen. I think she just wants me to have a more easy and fulfilling life, which I appreciate her concern, but it's heartbreaking to know that if I had to tell my mom about being KU she'd have an adverse reaction initially. I want that moment to be a happy moment, not something I'm afraid of doing. This is why TTC for us is so hush hush. There's no need to give my mother any indication that we're TTC because there's no need to give her a premature heart attack.

My best friend is getting married soon and the last thing on her mind is having kids. She actually loathes the idea of having a baby someday, so talking to her is not the way to look for understanding or support. Plus, she'd probably have a little bit of an issue with me being 7 months pregnant at her wedding. Yikes. Most of my friends are not at the age where they're thinking about kids so it's hard to have people around as support. Most of my friends that are moms are a good 5-10 years older than I am. For me, I know I'm young, but if the doctor recommends that I try earlier on, I'm doing that to avoid as much heartbreak as possible with the looming thought of IF issues. With endometriosis running in my family there's no need for me to be naiive and put it off, when I could be proactive now and do everything I can to conceive in the easiest manner possible. If it comes down to it in the future, of course I'd go to any length to have a baby, but if I can avoid the heartache by taking preventative or proactive measures now, I will.

As for now in this cycle, I'm in the 2WW and should be able to test around the 3rd or 4th of January. I'm not feeling very hopeful this cycle as much BDing didn't go down between Mr. Travel Bud and I due to sickness a few nights, and an argument another night. It'd be nice to have that NY BFP, but I think I'm out this cycle. Until then, I'm just ready to enjoy Christmas with my family and friends.

Until next time,
Travel Bud

Time to put on my big girl panties...

WARNING - this may be a LONG post, with lots of jumbled up thoughts, but I am just putting it all out there.

I know it's been a while since my last post, but not too much has been going on with the Worry Buds - just getting ready to host our first married Thanksgiving at our house this year. That alone has been keeping me VERY busy to say the least & then add in the renovation of our master bath and I'm sure you can understand why I have been MIA. I have been feeling optimistic lately - my cycles seem to be normalizing (even think I may have O'd yesterday - on CD 13!!) & all of my tests were coming back perfectly normal. I was just truckin' along, that is...until yesterday - November 24, 2009. Yesterday my whole world was turned upside down with one phone call.

I was sitting at my desk at work checking the voicemail I had missed while away from my desk & I saw my RE clinic name pop up on the caller ID as an incoming phone call on the other line, so I switched over. It was Dr. G. He never calls to deliver results, usually it's my nurse, Jane. But, then again, I have only been working with them for just about a month, so maybe this was normal?? This is how the conversation went:

Dr. G: "How are you today?"
WB: "I'm great & you?"
Dr. G: "Good...so, I'm calling b/c we got back you husband's S/A results."
WB: "Mmmmhmm"
Dr. G: " And we identified some problems."
::heart drops::

Without going into the specific counts & percentages, etc. - I may later, but I'm just not ready to do so at this time - we have a problem...major problem. I didn't even know how to think/act/feel at that moment. It has seriously been my biggest fear ever since learning about Dandelion Bud's story. In all honesty, I did not want to be honest with myself. I knew it was possible that there could be a problem - I knew years ago when my serious boyfriend at the time (now Mr. Worry Bud) told me he had undergone emergency surgery on his testicles when he was a senior in high school. At the time, he told me it could be difficult for him to have children, that it was possible, and I heard him, but I just didn't think it would be a problem if we ever got to the that point. I wasn't even thinking about kids then. I was an undergrad in college for goodness sake. Who thinks about kids at that time in life?

Fast forward about 4 years later to after we are married & when we start TTC & I notice that I'm having short LP issues. I suggest going in to see an RE, who, as a matter of routine, tests my husband's sperm in addition to looking in to my problem. And come to find out, I am perfectly fine (at least seems that way from the tests so far), but there is a issue with my husband's sperm. Let me back up a bit here - when you are preparing for your first RE visit, they send you a big packet with a lot of paper work to fill out. During the course of us filling out said paper work, I finally discovered exactly what Mr. WB had gone through. I had never really asked too many questions about the surgery before. Frankly, I did not ever really think it would be a huge concern for us & Mr. WB was a little sensitive about the topic, so I just pushed - no forced - it to the back of my mind. He had undergone surgery for testicular torsion.
Here is an illustration of his condition at the time; the picture below shows one normal testicle (left) & one of a torsed testicle (right):

Photo Credit

The condition requires emergency surgery in order to prevent a loss of the effected testicle. It is extremely painful. In Mr. WB's case the effected testicle was "saved", but I am assuming got damaged somehow. What I don't get is why it has caused problems now - if only one testicle was effected, and he has two, and you only need one normal testicle to make a baby, then why isn't the other one functioning as it should? All questions we will be discussing with my RE & most likely, a urologist at some point.

So where do we go from here? The RE said that they would like to do a repeat S/A, and do some hormonal testing on Mr. WB to make sure that the results weren't due to a fluke/bad day & that there are no underlying hormonal issues. However, Dr. G seems to think that the problem was caused by the surgery. He also said that we will most likely need to pursue a more aggressive treatment than he originally thought - possibly IVF. Ugh. I am absolutely TERRIFIED of IVF. It flat out scares the bejesus out of me - the emotional toll, the cost, the physical toll, the shots, taking BCPs again to gear up for an IVF cycle, etc. etc. Ugh again. I didn't cry & I haven't yet....I am trying to be strong for my husband. This is devastating news for us both, but truly devastating to him - he wants to be a daddy more than anything & I wish I could just wave a magic wand & fix this, but I can't.

There is a possibility that the second S/A could show that there is nothing wrong, but I doubt it. I am only 26 years old - I never imagined having to deal with anything this earth shattering at such a young age & in our first year of marriage. I don't know what to do or how to feel, but I know I need to do SOMETHING to occupy myself. Yesterday, I ordered some books about infertility that I will be reading to familiarize myself more with my new reality. I also already follow several blogs of women who have gone through IVF, plus of course Dandelion Bud is a friend. I am trying to learn as much about all of this as possible. I am going to make a list of questions for the RE when we meet again with him on December 18th, but I am holding off on considering us "diagnosed" with MFI until we have our follow up appointment with Dr. G. I am looking into different insurance options that are available to me (thankfully, it's open season at my job & there are no exclusions for pre-existing conditions for our health care options). We will talk to the Dr. about counseling & see if he thinks we should be talking this out with someone. My biggest concern right now is with my husband - I know he feels horrible & I have been telling him that it's not his fault - and it's not. Sometimes life hands you lemons & I truly do believe that the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. If that is true, I hope that this is it - I don't think I can handle anything else, but I guess He knows best. Please keep us in your prayers - I will update as much as possible. I feel like I just got on a roller coaster that I don't want to ride. Please, please let me off.

Motherhood at 35

Let me start by saying I hope that my thoughts and opinions don't offend anyone as this is not my intent with this post.

I recently turned 35 (last week) and age is a topic I have seen come up again and again. A lot of people ask when is the right time to have a baby? Well for me the right time is now (well in April really). Yes I am going to be a 1st time mom at age 35 but I think I wouldn't have been ready 5-10 years ago whatsoever.

At 25 I was still trying to figure out who I was.

At 30 I was still finding out if Mr. Daffodil Bud and I could weather the storms that make relationships so tough, at that time we didn't need to add a little one to the mix. We did figure out that we can make it through just about anything together and we got married a few months before I turned 34.

This year shortly before our 1st anniversary we found out we were pregnant so here I am 35 and pregnant. I am so happy to be here and can't wait for certain milestones like hopefully finding out in a few weeks if baby Daffodil Bud is a boy or a girl.

I am of the thought that if you are 25 and want a baby or 45 and want a baby if you are prepared to love it, nurture it and be there for it then that time is your right time to have a baby. I never wanted to fill some arbitrary time line of when things would happen in my life. I had been I probably would have been very disappointed in where I was at at certain times instead of letting things come as they need to in my life.

So yes I am going to be a 1st time mommy at 35 and I am loving the thought and hopefully will love the reality once it hits!

Now on to a quick fun thing for this week. I am 16 weeks and 3 days along today this picture was taken on Monday and I figured I would share with all our faithful readers.