Job Interview!

Photo credit goes to http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/.

Hilarious stuff.

This is pretty much me this afternoon. I got a call asking if I could come in for a job interview on Monday!

The Background: In August I left my job in Virginia so that I could actually live with my husband again. We'd lived apart for 8+ months courtesy of the Navy. Part of that time Mr CB was underway and the rest we were living bi-coastally.

I've only had one interview, and that was by phone as I was on the East Coast still. It wasn't a good fit.

Needless to say being sent rejection letters from every place under the sun is pretty depressing. Especially when it continues for months.

The Scoop: The job is a PT gig at a local department store. Something I'm totally confident I can handle as I've done most of what was on the job description back in my high school and college days. Yeah, I'm over qualified. I have a BA degree and 10 years experience in my field. But you know what? My field isn't hiring right now. Even if it was, I work with hazardous waste and I literally can't go on those job sites if I'm pregnant.

This PT job is actually a potential really good fit for once the baby arrives as it would allow me to be home with the baby while my husband is at work and work a few evening/weekend shifts each week.

Financially, we can get by on my husbands income. It will be tight, but doable. My having an income will allow a little breathing room. It also will help occupy my days and help me feel a little more like I'm part of the world. This gap in my employment is my first time since I was about 16 years old that I've not had an income of some sort coming in. Its been an adjustment.


The Question: When would you tell them about the pregnancy?

I know they legally can't ask during the interview. If the subject comes up, I'll politely deflect. That said, when should I let them know? When an offer is on the table? Once we're out of 1st Tri? Once I'm showing?

I'm really uncomfortable telling people in real life about the pregnancy this early. My own mother doesn't even know yet and we're pretty close. I'm having a hard time with the thought of bringing it up to a complete stranger before I've even seen a heartbeat...but I don't know what the right thing is to do.

I'd love to hear what you would do in this situation, assuming they offer the job that is (please, please, please).

WOW - OUCH - REALLY?

Before I dive in to the emotional rollercoaster that has been this weekend, I want to start with the good news, and that is the fact that Mr.FB's birthday party went extremely well! Close to 40 people came to celebrate with us, and it was a really good time. Mr.FB was so happy, and I was so glad to see him enjoying time with his friends and not having to worry about the job situation for one evening. It ended up being the perfect way to ring in the big 3-0.

On the other hand, aside from the party, my weekend was chaotic. I started getting sick at the end of last week, and spent the last 5 days doped up on cold medicine, with pockets full of Kleenex and cough drops. :( Being sick isn't fun no matter what, but ESPECIALLY when you work 75 hours per week, like me. Luckily I have a casual office and we are pretty much self-governed, so I was able to sneak in a short nap in lieu of a lunch break which helped a bit. I am sure that the stress isn't helping health-wise. I am always exhausted, and my stress level is high. I keep telling myself that I only need to maintain this pace for another 5 weeks, and then there will be some reprieve........although hopefully not too much reprieve, because I need to find another job after this!

Anyways, the Wow, the Ouch, and the Really, are all of course related to TTC....or lack thereof. It has been such a mix of emotions going through this waiting period. Mr.FB and I have always known that we wanted children. We have talked about it a lot. I knew that I was ready before Mr. FB, but I never wanted him to feel pressured, so I let him come to terms with when to start TTC on his own. And now, we are both SO ready, and can't do anything about it. :( I love my husband so much, and while I am so glad that he is emotionally ready for this, it makes my heart ache each time he tells me that he can't wait to see me with a pregnant belly, or that he is so excited to be a dad, or that he can't wait to see me as a mother. I want all of those things too....SO badly, but we can't have them because even after over 400 applications, my husband still does not have a job, and we are just not at a place where this is a good idea practically speaking.

This week my sister got to hear her baby's heartbeat, and she hit the 15 week mark. My friend made it to 10 weeks and got to break out the bella band. My other friend also just announced on Facebook that she is pregnant.

Today I went to lunch with one of my best friends. She was my maid of honor in my wedding. I was in her wedding. We have been friends for 10 years and have been through so much together. In fact, we even decided that we wanted to try to have our kids close together because we wanted to share that experience. And while I realize that it is silly to try to plan those things, it was fun to think about and hope for the shared experience. She asked me today whether we were going to start TTC as planned (this was going to be our month), and I told her that, no, we still had to wait, that there wasn't a job and that we were hoping for the best. Then she got choked up a bit and couldn't even look me in the eye as she told me that she is pregnant. I am SO SO happy for her, and I am so sad that she felt sad telling me her news. I love her dearly, and while it is bittersweet, I am thrilled for her.

I am hoping that someday soon I can share news of my very own. And I told my friend that it wasn't too late to still go through part of this pregnancy together.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

Thoughts at the beginning of our first IUI cycle

One issue I have been struggling with lately as we enter our first IUI cycle is how to deal with missing work for fertility treatments. I recently posted on the Nest GP board about this asking for advice. It is really awkward for me to have to leave work for prolonged periods of time for frequent appointments, especially when the appointments seem spontaneous and unplanned given the unpredictable nature of fertility treatments.

On one hand, I think it sounds like BS to leave for vague, repeated, and unpredictable appointments on short notice. In addition, if it means I have to back out from giving a presentation or going to a conference at the last moment, I feel like it could really trigger concerns about my work ethic or even foster resentment (even if I say it is for a medical appointment, one might ask why I specifically needed to schedule an appointment on the day of something important!).

If I explain I am going for ongoing medical treatments and act vague about it, I don't want to concern people and let their imaginations run wild at what mystery medical problem I might be facing. On the other hand, I really feel like my and DH's effort to conceive is no one else's business and that it's a little TMI--I mean, perhaps they prefer not to know what is going on! Anyway, this is the ongoing monologue in my head that I am currently trying to sort through.

For Mr. Blueberry Bud, the problem is even greater since he has patients scheduled for surgeries months in advance and can't just jump ship and head for the fertility clinic located almost 1 hour from his hospital because his wife's follicle reached the perfect size:-/ We will somehow make this work because it is a priority and we have to make it work but these are some of the anxieties that I am facing right now. I know this must be a common issue for all couples undergoing fertility treatments and we will find our own style and way to navigate, but for now it sure feels like a lot of floundering.

In other news, I had a monitoring ultrasound today on CD 11. My lining was 7.5 but the u/s tech couldn't spot any dominant follicles yet. I hope this isn't a foreshadowing of things to come and that I will still O, albeit maybe a bit late this cycle. Last cycle, I already had a 16mm and 7mm follicle on CD 12 (of course the dominant follicle then started diddly-daddling and grew only 1mm over the next 3 days and I didn't O until 5 days later on CD17). I am trying to think positive thoughts--always hard when you are subconsciously preparing yourself for the next disappointment.

Lastly, I am going to make an appointment tomorrow with a senior RE who is supposed to be amazing. Since we have socialized medicine in Israel, fertility treatment is covered by the government-subsidized health basket (awesome!), but when you go to the fertility clinic you generally see a resident has just completed his rotation in IVF and he consults with a senior RE. If you actually want to deal directly with a senior RE, you need to pay OOP and see him privately. Mr. Blueberry Bud and I decided that at this point it is worth it, especially to get our many questions answered. So far I have seen two of the residents -- one who was really great and another who in addition to not seeming very good, didn't seem to care. If nothing else, I think it will make us at least feel better about the care we are receiving to speak with someone who is very experienced.

Job Interview

Yes.....I have one! I don't want to get my hopes up, but I can't help it. The interview is with a company with which I have several "ins" if you want to call it that. DH used to work there and left on extremely good terms. He still speaks regularly with many of his former co-workers. We have two friends that work there that I am certain would give me a good recommendation. The organization is also one of the clients that my fellowship group is representing this legislative session, so I know their policy people. AND, their President and CEO was one of my graduate instructors, and I got an "A" in his class. So I HOPE that one of these connections in addition to my interview will be enough to get me in the door!

The interview is next Friday so I am trying to prepare as best I can, in hopes of knocking their socks off. Getting this job would be the first step in finally getting more established in my career, having more financial stability, and being able to set a DEFINITE timeline for TTC! Just as importantly, I know that I would really enjoy the work. This is an organization that I really believe in what they do, the clients they serve, and their business model.

PLEASE send up thoughts, prayers, good vibes, etc. this week. I would really really appreciate it!

Tentative Work Schedule

It's been a busy week in the GB household!!! I feel like I have so much to share this week... or maybe I'm just an AW lately! :)

First of all, I finally had the much anticipated meeting with my boss this morning - I'm not sure why I was so worried (just goes to show that people "tone" can be misconstrued very easily through an e-mail or text)... it went perfectly and we worked out a schedule that **fingers crossed** will work for us.

The company I work for doesn't offer a paid maternity leave but through FMLA they are required to let me have up to 12 weeks off before filling my position - during which time I can use my accrued sick time/vacation time. So what's Mrs GB going to do? She's going to take full advantage of 12 weeks off with Baby GB!!! Even though I don't technically have that much paid time off our HR department said I can spread out the time I do have so I'm at least getting paid. So during my leave I'll only be getting paid 20-30 hours a week but I figure that I'm not going to be doing much as far as anything that will cost money anyway so we should be ok.

After my leave my boss agreed to let me come back at 30 hours per week and we have a tentatively set schedule. Mondays & Friday's I'll be putting in full 8 hour days because those days tend to be our busier days. That leaves 14 hours to be split between Tues, Wed, & Thurs as needed and as it works best for us. It's hard to have a schedule laid out exactly because my job really depends on work flow.

WAHOOO!!!! One less thing I have to worry about for the moment!

Tomorrow at 8am I go in for the 3-hour Glucose testing (that I'm REALLY excited about?!) and then Sunday is my shower... STAY TUNED!!! :)

I don't have a good feeling...

In one of my recent posts I talked about my options on going back to work after Baby GB is born.

Well, we finally made a decision that I think works best for the Glow Bud house - option 2!!! This was the option to keep my current position but go down to working 30 hours per week. With this option Mr. GB will be able to stay home one day with Baby GB and then we'll alternate daycare and in-home care from our neighbor for the remaining 3 days.

Since I like to have things in writing for my own personal reference, I outlined this in an e-mail to my boss. I first sent the e-mail last Thursday... I didn't hear back.

Not too concerned about it when I got to work on Monday I needed to let my boss know of my upcoming 3 hour glucose test (more on this in another post!) and to let her know when my next monthly appointment was so when I e-mailed her on that I included a note asking if we could discuss my previous e-mail. She responded right back that she has a meeting with HER boss to discuss it... hmmm... ok.

So today, said meeting with boss was first thing in the morning and shortly after I get another e-mail scheduling a "sit down" for tomorrow morning. For some reason, I have a bad feeling about this sit down.

Wish me luck!

Mixed Emotions

As I posted awhile ago, I stopped charting. It was stressing me out, I was having difficulties due to my schedule, and since we are not TTC, it seemed a bit unnecessary at this point....although I definitely see the value in it! Other than keeping track of CM I haven't done anything to keep track of O'ing. DH and I have been semi-careful, not BD'ing when CM indicates that O is near, but I completely realize that method is not fool-proof, and we were ok with that. Basically, our half-assed attempt at TTA, while being ok with a surprise if it happened.

The other day, I entered my CM into my chart, and I suddenly realized that I was on CD 29. I have only ever had one 29 day cycle before. They are always 26-28 days. Instantly I had a moment of panic and hopefulness at the same time. It was really too soon to think that I could maybe be KU, but deep down, I have to admit there was a little part of me that hoped it wasn't just a random long cycle. I debated back and forth about whether to test, or to just wait another day, expecting that AF would show up. I allowed myself to entertain the possibility that maybe this was the "surprise" that I have halfway been expecting since we went off bcp in June. I allowed myself to panic just a little bit......although I would be excited, was I as ready as I thought I was?? What would DH think?

For those of you that have been following my posts, you know that DH and I are both ready and excited for children, but our job situation with my husband being recently laid off, has kind of put our TTC plans on hold. While half of me feels that we need to be practical, the other half of me feels like we should just go for it. That things can change a lot in 9 months, for the good or the bad. That part of me thinks that even if DH did have a fantastic job right now, that might be different in 9 months. And the fact that he doesn't have a job now probably won't be a concern 9 months from now. Life hands us so many unexpected circumstances, that we can't count on anything.....we can't plan our lives around "sure things." Then the practical side of me fights back. It is always this internal battle, trying to make sense of one of the biggest decisions we will make in our lifetime together. It is so hard.

Well all of the emotions that I was feeling on the infamous CD 29 were wasted. AF showed up on CD 30.

It's back to the drawing board.....or to the think-tank.....or the hamster wheel......or whatever you want to call this process. And honestly, I think that the process of making the decision to TTC is almost as craptastic at times, as TTC itself.

Talking about IF with others

I don't know if it was the post-Christmas blues, the end of 2009, or our upcoming IVF, but starting the middle of last week I was feeling pretty horrible - lonely & anxious to be exact. I told Mr. Worry Bud about it & told him that I think I want to speak to one of the IF counselors at my RE's office & he agreed that I probably should...he even offered to go with me! So, I am calling today to to see if we can get an appointment sometime in the near future. I just want to be sure I talk about my anxiety & why I am scared with someone who has experience with IF. I feel like it will better prepare me for IVF & all the emotions that go along with it.

Photo Credit

I also told my mother & sister about our IF this weekend. They were both very understanding & supportive & I am soooo happy I told them. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off me now that they know. I can't really explain it, but that's how I feel. It made the whole rest of my weekend better after talking to both of them about everything we are going through. I saw both of them in person & I basically just explained how we started seeing a Dr. about my short cycles & that as part of standard procedures, they test both partners. I told them that all of the testing on me came back normal, but the testing on Mr. WB revealed that his semen quality was not ideal for us to conceive the natural way. I told them that I would not discuss the specifics of the S/A findings, and they respected that. I told them the Dr. gave us a less than 5% chance of conceiving on our own & that Mr. WB & I had decided to move forward with IVF. My mom - who is not a very emotional person - said that she was very sorry to hear about it & asked lots of questions about my RE (success rates, how good the fertility center was). My sister asked more about the IVF procedure itself & I explained all that I could & told her we'd be starting shortly. They both asked how much it was going to cost us & I told them what we were paying & how many cycles it included. I am so happy that I told them now - they are probably the only IRL family (or friends) that we will tell. I think we may talk about it more after we have children, but for now we want it to be a private matter.

My next hurdle will be telling my job. We have a very very liberal sick leave policy & I know my supervisor won't ask too many questions, but I am still scared to tell him/them about what's going on. I'm not sure how exactly I will tell them, but I will most likely do it in the next month or so. Obviously before the actual IVF cycle starts, but probably after the mock embryo transfer & any other testing/procedures that takes place in the month preceding the actual ER/ET. I want to talk privately with my boss & ask that he keep the information to himself, and say that I am undergoing treatment for a non-serious (it is to me, but I don't want to give TMI) medical condition that will require outpatient surgery & monitoring appointments before/after the procedure. I think that telling them once, even if we have to do IVF more than once (H&P that we don't!), then they won't really question me switching my telework days around, coming in to work late, or taking sick leave when needed. I am not going to give them a time frame & hopefully they won't ask. I hope that they respect my privacy & do not tell any other management (some of the managers in my office have big mouths)...and I don't want any of my colleagues questioning me about what's going on. Photo Credit (for above image).

As far as my current cycle, I have been slacking this past weekend on temping - I would wake up & then fall back asleep before temping. I temp REALLY early - at 5am, so it's really hard to wake up on the weekends! I did temp consistently until I confirmed my O for cycle #7 and then off & on since then. I noticed this AM (7 DPO) that my temp dropped pretty close to the cover line, so we will see what happens. I am not feeling the familiar twinges that tells me AF is coming, but sometimes I don't really before hand. Once/if (still wishful thinking that we could have a miracle BFP ;o) AF starts, I will call my RE nurse & get further directions on when to start the BCPs. I am feeling okay, mostly just ready & full of hope to become a mommy soon! Please continue to pray for us & send any positive thoughts for a successful 1st IVF attempt our way...your T&P mean more than I can ever express in words!

Going Back to Work After Baby

Oh how I dream of being a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM)... and then, I wake up.

I dream about all the things I could do if I were a SAHM:

• I'd have dinner made every night when Mr GB got home from his long days of work - plus I'd have more time to plan out and try new things in the kitchen!
• I'd be with my first child through every milestone, boo boo and story time!
  
• I'd have time to catch up on the 3+ years of scrapbooking I've officially lost track of - plus all the pages I'd be able to complete of Baby GB.
• I'd be able to make those mid day Mommy & Me classes at my gym.
• The house would always be clean.
• Can you say play dates???
  
• This list is endless...
  

The reality is that there's no way financially we could make it work on one income without cutting back DRASTICALLY. Even then, I'm not sure it'd be worth it because while groceries and cleaning supplies wouldn't be a major cutback; the scrapbook supplies to catch up, the gym membership with my mommy and me classes well, they'd be the first to go. Along with my internet and cable TV probably. Also, Mr GB's job doesn't offer health benefits so without my job - we are S.O.L.

Boo... tear...

We have no family to help in the town we live in and the only things that are going to help us out so that we don't have to put Baby GB in full time day care are that Mr GB will always have a weekday off and that our neighbor (retired military couple with 3 grown kids of their own) are actually begging to watch him. They actually have offered to be our day care but I just have a really hard time putting that on someone full time.

My boss has been asking me since the moment I announced my pregnancy if I'm coming back to work. I guess the last pregnant girl said she was coming back but left for maternity leave and we never saw her again - so I don't blame her for asking so soon. So I've been weighing my options for weeks now. I had a sit down with her and told her that yes - financially I have to come back but asked about my options about only coming back part-time.

Now, first off - to keep my health benefits I have to work at least 20 hours per week. So from what she tells me I have 3 options:

1. Keep my 40 hour a week job. Here we opt for day care at least 3 full days a week - with Mr GB watching him one day and our neighbors watching him another day.
   
2. Keep my position and go down to 30 hours a week (as long as I keep a set schedule). With this option there is also the possibility of going back up to 40 hours a week if we decide we want to. Mr GB and our neighbors would still each take one full day while I'm working then we could do 3 part time day care days.
   
3. Go down to 20 hours a week - no more/no less for the foreseeable future. And I'll have to make a lateral switch to another department along with switching managers. I think with this option I'd still be able to work one full day with Mr GB watching him and then split up a few short days where our neighbors would take him. No day care... so that's a plus!?
   

I'm so torn - there is so much more to say about each option that this post would be a mile long but that's the gist of each. Someone gives me a pro, I give them a con. All I know is that with any option there are still going to be huge sacrifices in our budget, that's inevitable.

Capable

Life has been so chaotic as of late. DH was laid off, I have been trying to get ready for the holidays, trying to pick up extra hours at work, job-searching, the list goes on. At the same time I feel basically invisible. I haven't been present on my online forums except in lurking spirit, and just long enough to catch up on news. I haven't spent time with friends. I haven't cleaned my house. I have basically felt like I am rushing through life in shadow-form.....going through the motions, but completely unnoticed.

I've been going through some major self-reflection. Looking at my life, my goals, my values. Trying to find daily inspiration. Thinking not of what I am supposed to do, but what makes me fulfilled. So I apologize in advance that this post is a little deep, bear with me.

There is a book that I just bought called "ONE". You can pick it up at any Starbucks. It is absolutely fricking fantastic. Light, inspirational reading. Cheap. Worth every penny. As a person who is going through a time of "Who am I, and what is my life?", this book has been instrumental in helping me to look more deeply at myself. In addition, I have been totally girl-crushing on Ingrid Michaelson who has some of the most amazing music out there. On that note.......

I have also been hitting the gym like a maniac. For the first time in my life I can actually understand what a "runner's high" is......and I NEVER thought I would say that. I signed up for a 5K. I actually RAN a 5k today at the gym. And then I did 10 miles on the bike and lifted. And why does this matter at all?? Because I NEVER thought I was capable of this. As I was stretching after my run, I realized that if I am capable of this one small thing that I was sure I could never do, what else am I capable of?? How have I been limiting myself.....not allowing myself to reach my full potential??

And what in God's green earth does this have to do with Ingrid Michaelson?? Well.......in addition to every other amazing song that she has written, there is one called "Turn to Stone" that I am totally loving. It says, "Let's go to sleep with clearer heads and hearts to big to fit our beds, and maybe we won't feel so alone..." So I will keep thinking about how to be a better person. How to reach my potential. And how to live more fully and love more deeply. And maybe in the process I will discover what I am truly capable of.

http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/turn-to-stone/id315034498?i=315035185

It's O Time

Today was the first day of school. I am an assistant principal at a high school, and the first day of school is not a fun day. I was up at 5 AM, at work at 6:30 AM, and didn’t leave until 8 PM. It was at least 95 degrees today and I spent about 3 hours and 15 minutes of my day outside directing traffic, herding students to class or watching them eat lunch. The rest of the time I was running from classroom to classroom, picking up attendance cards, delivering bus passes and generally looking like a chicken with my head cut off. I was sweaty, exhausted, grumpy and hungry. But as soon as I got home, I jumped on Mr. Chef Bud, dragged him to the bedroom and mustered up enough energy to TTC Little CB. It is THAT time of the month…not AF, but the big O. I had a positive OPK last night and this morning, and am expecting to ovulate tonight or tomorrow. And after six months of TTC I’m now at the point that NOTHING is going to stand in my way of BDing during my fertile window.

Before it would have been a miracle for Mr. CB to get me to have sex any time during the first week of school, let alone the first day! Yes there are nights that one or both of us don’t want to, and sometimes Mr. CB isn’t feeling it, if you know what I mean (such as last night, we had to shake it up a bit and move to the living room…he said he wanted a change of venue!) but we both want to be pregnant so badly and are willing to do what we need to in order to make it happen. And I know that we could have sex every other day and be fine, but I like knowing that we did everything in our power to conceive Little CB. And when you look at my chart at the end of this week, there should be at least 6 days in a row of intercourse…which just might be a record for us. If it doesn’t happen this cycle, it sure won’t be for lack of trying!!!

Morning Sickness is not for Sissies

Starting last week at about 5 Weeks and 6 days pregnant I started experiencing the beginnings of morning sickness and nausea that Lasts. All. Day. Before I got pregnant I would think to myself, "Ohhh morning sickness, it can't be that bad, what are these girls complaining about - they should be thrilled - they're growing a baby!" I must say I was very sadly mistaken, (not about the latter part - I'm still thrilled!) morning sickness is the devil. I think it's definitely worst in the morning when there's nothing in my stomach, but I honestly haven't felt good since last Tuesday at any point in the day.

Today I hit the wonderful milestone of throwing up in the bathroom at work. I have no idea if anyone heard me but if this keeps going on the office is sure to catch on soon and I really didn't want to break the news until my ultrasound at 11 weeks. Readers, do you have any advice on this?

Luckily Mr. Expat Bud has been amazing at picking up the slack. He's been cooking, cleaning and trying to make me a comfy as possible.

Here's hoping this "healthy glow" passes quickly!

Cheers,

Expat Bud