Monday Hurry Up and Get here!

Oh, my gosh I am so bad... but I got the results from the test and it was a BFN. I always say don't get your hopes up this time and whatever you do don't cry. But hope is something I have yet to loose and not sure if I'd want to.

However, I have to go back in on Monday to have it redone. One because they said they don't like to do blood tests till day 35 and it was before that and two the count sometimes doesn't go up as fast if you have PCOS. So that just puts the icing on the cake... ugh. Now I have to wait again and wonder if I am going to have to hear BFN again. This was a tad bit harder than I thought it would be.

I still haven't gotten my next cycle and I am just not trying to think about it cause it's getting to me... the wondering that is. Cause the whole thing is if I still ain't by then I may have to undergo other testing to find out why my eye color is changing and why I am getting random freckles and brown spots on me... very strange.

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I don't know what to do and honestly can't wait till this coming Monday so I can just find out what to do next. My fear now is that I ain't, which is okay in the end cause I'll just keep on trying. The scary part for me is what is going on and what tests will I have to do to find out... eek.

So here's to a few more days of waiting to find out where to go from here.

Home At Last

I am home and man have I missed my comfy bed, my husband and dog!! I am sleeping way better and have enjoyed getting back to work. I am feeling super tired which is just the Progesterone but that means I am ready for bed at 9:00 pm! I feel like an old woman!! I still have been feeling twinges or crampy feeling every day so not sure what it is but I am going to go with that it is a good sign. I am on day 12 of the 2 WW and will be testing this Saturday. The bummer is the Dr.'s office won't be able to give me the results till Monday when they are open so I am sure I will do a HPT on Saturday so I will know otherwise I might just go crazy! I will start back doing taxes next week so either way I will be busy enough to keep my mind off of the results.

Testing at 8DPO=BFN!

So, I'm in a much better place emotionally today, and am about to head out for a run before work.

Before I got dressed, though, I tested! First test of my life, and it wasn't that exciting--I almost didn't take it, because my head was shouting "Magnolia Bud, it's only 8DPO--don't do it!" I knew the possibilities of a positive test were so slim...but I had 25 spankin' new test strips sitting under our sink. After the required 5 minutes, there wasn't even a hint of a second line.

Tomorrow is Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish year. The 24-hour fast starts tonight, so I won't be testing again until Sunday morning (at a more respectable 10DPO, if my temps are still high). To our readers who are fasting, have an easy fast.

Talk to you all once I've eaten again!

Lots of love,

Magnolia Bud

Week One Down!

I have had a very busy week, and I really did not get to go into much detail with how everything panned out from my HSG. I have now spoken to my doctor a bit more in depth about things, and can see a clearer picture now. The HSG hurt so bad that my mind was still pretty hazy directly after, and it really did bother me that I was their for the HSG...when all I really wanted was to be there because I was PREGNANT. I can't remember if I told you that they gave me a pregnancy test before my HSG. This just about shattered my heart. I know it is probably routine to do this because they want to ensure you are not pregnant for risk to the baby if you underwent the procedure pregnant. But, jeez, it was really hard having them do that because I wanted so badly to be pregnant. It was only a pee test, but still. The little voice in my head kept saying, "BE PREGNANT!!!! Be pregnant! Maybe this whole PERIOD thing you are on is just a fluke!!!!" But lo and behold...it was negative.

I have completed my Clomid. My doctor prescribed this to me for days 5-9 of my cycle. He said that although my tube was clear, and that it appears I do ovulate each month, he wanted to ensure O happened and did not want to waste this cycle. From days 10-13 I am on Estrace 3 times a day. Then from days 16-30, I am on a vaginal insertion of Prochieve, which is a Progesterone cream injected into the vagina that helps thicken the lining of your uterus and helps to 1. achieve pregnancy, and 2. sustain it if conception does indeed occur. Now, this med was 300$, which I chose not to pay. Not because we couldn't afford it, but that this money really needs to be saved in case we face other obstacles in our TTC journey. So, my doc gave me samples for the 14 days I need it, which are a 4% level rather than an 8%. So, I will gamble with it this cycle and if no luck I will discuss with Mr. JB about buying the regular prescribed amount out of pocket.

The Clomid was not too bad, but it did cause me to feel as if I was experiencing hot flashes at certain points of the day, but did not necessarily bother me just at night. It also did make me kind of moody, and gave me some sharp abdominal pains a few times a day. Oh, and wonderful gas. Yes, lots of gas LOL. But, other than that it was ok. I think I am coming down with a cold, so I cannot necessarily tell how the Estrace is affecting me; but I can say that as I sit here and type this I am feeling a bit warm and hotflashy. :-)

Mr. JB also had his SA. Lucky for him, he did not have to sit in a cold room and watch 80's porn. He got to take the sample jar home, provide his sample and bring it back. Thank goodness I was at work. It would have just been weird, lol. But, he did have a very funny encounter upon returning the little brown bag with his specimen in it...

I had left the jar and the brown paper bag on the counter for him, as I had picked the jar up at my HSG appointment. There was also a label for him to affix to the jar with his name, etc on it. I had left a piece of paper nearby that I had filled out with some necessary info the doctor needed on it, and left it next to the paper bag. So, before I leave for work, Mr. JB asks me, "Should I masturbate more than once so that they have a bigger amount to look at?" Me, "um, no honey...they need to see what your ACTUAL specimen contains and its motility when you ejaculate, so doing it multiple times would not give us an accurate answer." Mr. JB, "Ok, ok."

So, we had already discussed the issue of amount, etc. I know he wants to feel adequate, so I knew where he was coming from as soon as he asked it...but, still. It gets funnier though...

He does what he needs to do and heads to the lab to turn in the specimen. He hands the lady the paper bag awkwardly, and waits. She looks in the bag, looks at Mr. JB and says, "Is this it???" Mr. JB about DIES, and thinks oh GOD! I DON'T Produce ANYTHING!!!!!!! He is sooo mortified now, and stutters, "Uh, ya." She says, "Oh, ok well there is supposed to be a piece of paper in here." He remembers then that he had stuck the piece of paper in his pocket. He hands it to her and sighs a huge sigh of relief. The poor women was probably thinking he was crazy. HAHAHAHA!

Anyhow, now to wait for the results and pray. Mr. JB really feels the issue lies with him. I of course, think it is me. So, then I bring my best friend up to date on everything, as she lives 1500 miles away from us. She mentions to me that maybe the issue IS with Mr. JB because of Chemotherapy and Radiation he had to undergo for a lengthy period of time as a child due to tumors in his leg that kept growing back. I had NEVER, EVER thought that may be the cause of our issue, but the more said talked about it, the more sense it made. Now, I am REALLY nervous to find out the results.

Waiting Stinks. But, here I sit and pray.

June Bud

We have a plan!

Well, I am back from the follow up RE consult. Dr. G sat us down & spoke with us a little about our options. First things first, Mr. Worry Bud's repeat S/A came back with similar, but a little better results - both his count & motility are still low. Dr. G basically said that the only truly viable option for us to conceive is IVF with ICSI. I pretty much figured, but today we got that confirmed. I am okay - I am happy that the count & motility went up even a little....some is better than none right? I had pretty much prepared myself for our official diagnosis of MFI & for the fact that Dr. G. would suggest IVF with ICSI.

The good news is that due to my age & the absence of any female fertility issues, Dr. G has given us a 65% of conceiving with IVF/ICSI!!

Photo Credit

I asked about having Mr. WB see a urologist & Dr. G gave us a recommendation for one that specializes in IF, but said that he would be comfortable starting IVF w/o even going thru a urologist 1st. His reasoning was that the surgery that 'effed up Mr. WB's count/motility happened over 10 years ago & most likely the damage is done, which Mr. WB tends to agree with. Also Mr. WB DOES NOT want to have surgery down there again, especially if it may not do anything to help. But, he is going to see a urologist regardless just b/c it's good for his health overall.

I also asked about my short LP & trying in the mean time, so he gave me a Rx for prometrium (progesterone) that I will try out this cycle, but I am not getting my hopes up that it'll work. If it does - that would be an amazing miracle from God, but if not I will take it as a sign that we need to move on to IVF.

After Christmas I am going to call to schedule my mock embryo transfer & then get started on our first IVF cycle sometime in Jan/Feb & we are praying to have a lil' WB (or 2) in the oven by our first anniversary in March?! I will blog more later about how we are going to finance everything since we do not have insurance coverage. Please keep us in your prayers.

Quick Post...

I'm in the ER with Mr. Bud because he is having sharp cramping on his left abdominal side, so Ill make it short and sweet....

Last week after my betas come back showing 26 my doctor wanted me to come back in a week until they were all they way below 5.

This morning I went in for my f/u beta test and should know the results this afternoon. Praying to God that they have dropped so that we can start the blood work testing. This takes up to 8 weeks for the results.

Will check back in a few and let you know the results.

Big Test Tomorrow Morning.....

Tomorrow morning I will be using the First Response Fertility Test after a few sketchy cycles to determine once and for all if I am just crazy-bad at temping.....or if God-forbid, something might be up. Obviously the test is not comprehensive, but it will be a good starting point. I am excited, but also a little scared. Basically the test checks FSH level to determine the quantity and quality of eggs, thus an indicator of a woman's ability to get pregnant. I am hoping and praying that tomorrows test will have a positive result....I just want to know that when we start trying in a couple months, that we at least have a better idea of my ability to conceive. That way if there is a problem, we know where to start.

Maybe it is too early to worry.....maybe I am jumping the gun. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I want to be as proactive as possible now so that when the time comes to TTC, I am as informed and knowledgeable as possible about what is going on with my body. I will post results tomorrow.....keep your fingers crossed that all is well!

Quick Update

Hey everyone! I just wanted to pop in & let everyone know that I had my CD 2 vaginal u/s & b/w done. Everything looks very normal according to my Dr. & nurse. During the u/s they did find one small fibroid, but the Dr. said that she does not believe that it is effecting my fertility in any way. I talked to the nurse more about it when she called & she basically said that of the Dr. is not worried about it, then I shouldn't be. From what I read about fibroids, she is most likely right, but, I will talk to Dr. G about it more during our followup consultation, which is scheduled for December 18th.

My b/w was also all normal - she told me all the numbers, but I didn't write it down, but my Estrogen, Prolactin, LH & FSH were all at the normal levels they like to see from women at the beginning of their cycles. So, basically so far, so good!

Mr. WB's SA & my HSG is scheduled for this Wednesday, November 18th & I am also hoping for good news! Please pray for normal results for us!! If everything looks normal, then we will still do the followup consultation, but most likely stick with our plan to try for a few more cycles before doing any medicated cycles.

In the mean time, I am keeping busy with my Thanksgiving (my husband's family is coming up to our area this year) & other holiday plans. I can't believe the holidays are already upon us - my how time flies!

Do you want the good news or bad news first?

No preference? Okay, I'll go with the bad news first:

I'm on to cycle #6 - cramps, bleeding & all of AF's other ::insert sarcasm here:: wonderful side effects are in full effect. I can honestly say that I NEVER thought it would take this long to get pregnant. I thought maybe 4-5 months at the most...I was truly naive. And due to my STUPID LP, this whole process has been prolonged. Now I know those of you reading this, who have been trying for way longer than we have, are thinking that I need to calm down - just take look at my charts...my LP (esp. for cycles 2-4) is bad - I mean really horrible. I mean maybe I do need to calm down, but I am a worry wart - hence my name. :o) But seriously, everyone has a different TTC journey, for some it is a long, difficult one...for others, it's fairly simple - and IMO I am out of the simple category, but not quite in the difficult category, so I am not completely sure where I fit in.

My temps also plummeted this morning. And with that, I am on to cycle #6. Hopefully THIS will be our cycle?! The 9 day LP this past cycle has me really excited that maybe my body really will fix itself & that I don't need medical intervention just yet. You see, I, Worry Bud, am a firm believer that God sends us signs all the time. I have been praying for his guidance in our choice to pursue fertility treatment at this point & I feel like maybe my 9 day LP (up from 3!!!) is a sign that I need to take a step back, maybe see how the next couple of months go & then pursue other treatment avenues with my RE. I mean from 3 to 9 days is a huge difference & I truly believe it happened by God's grace.

So now for the good news - which I already mentioned: 9 day LP. Woot! That is such a miracle to me that I can't even be THAT upset about not getting pg this cycle. I mean, don't get me wrong, I really wish that I did get a BFP, but I didn't & I think that means I just need to go thru the fertility testing & find out the results. As I mentioned above, although I do believe my lengthened LP is a sign from God, I also think that I NEED to have this testing done for my peace of mind.

Photo Credit

Mr. WB & I have had a long discussion about this and we have decided that we will go through with all the testing, which includes:

• Routine STD testing for both of us
• CD 2-4 testing of hormone leveles (Estrogen, FSH, LH, etc.) plus a vaginal u/s to check out my uterine lining & ovaries
• An HSG between CDs 5-10
• An SA for DH

After we finish all of that testing, then we will go in for a f/u appointment with our RE & discuss next steps. Due to my lengthend LP this past cycle, Mr. WB & I have decided that if all our tests come back normal, then we will hold off pursuing treatment until January 2010. We want to do this for two reasons: 1) if we can get pg on our own, we would most certainly want to try that first & since my LP seems to be correcting itself, then we feel like we may not need medical assistance, and 2) my annual deductible would start again in January & we want to hold off on paying it for 2009 when we would have to turn right back around & start paying it again in 2010 (which will be about a month away once we get this cycle of testing done & over with). I think we have made the best decision for us & our future family right now.

If the testing reveals that there is a problem with either of us, then we will talk it out with our RE & see what he suggests to move forward. Like I told Mr. WB - I'd rather go thru all the testing now & find out nothing is wrong, than not go thru it later & find out something was wrong all along. Of course, I am hoping in the mean time to get pg on our own, but we shall see how everything goes. If it was simply my LP preventing us from getting pg before & it's lengthening on it's own, then perhaps we can get pg on our own too?!?! So many important decisions...I can only hope we are making the best one for us & our future children.

My RE Consultation

We went in for our RE Consult on Tuesday. Yes - I realize today is Thursday & that I shouldn't keep everyone in such suspense, but sorry - I got busy! But, before I tell you about the actual visit, let me set the scene: So a little over an hour before I was supposed to be at the RE's office, I was meeting my mom at the Dept. of Motor Vehicles (DMV) to switch my old car from my name to her name (giving it to my little sister who is a minor) & to surrender my plates since I just bought a new car. So, after we wait in line & get up to the counter of the DMV, the lady says we need a notarized statement saying that I am giving the car as a gift to my little sister to avoid paying sales tax. I told my mom that I just wanted to get this done with & get the car out of my name so that I didn't have to insure it anymore. I also didn't know I had to surrender my plates - I thought I could just transfer them over to my mom's name, but NOOOOO the Virginia DMV is difficult & makes you actually surrender the old plates & the new owner needs to get new ones! Can you say a 'effing.waste.of.my.time?! Since I was oh so ready to be done with this whole shenanigan, I told my mom that we would run over to her house & get the plates off the car, then run to the bank for the notarized statement & then run back over to the DMV to finish switching the title over to her name. Well, by the time all that was done, it was 2:00 PM & I was supposed to be at the RE's office by 2:10 PM since it was my first appt.

Well, on my way speeding home to pick up Mr. Worry Bud, I remembered that I had not printed out my charts, so I had to call Mr. WB & walk him through how to print out charts in Fertility Friend, lol. When I got home, we grabbed the charts, paperwork, medical records, etc. & ran out the door. It was 2:08 PM by that time & I live about 10 minutes from the RE's office. Needless to say, we were late - we arrived at like 2:21 PM & then I realized I hadn't filled in our insurance information on the front of the registration form. And I also neglected to fill out another form, so I was still filling those out when we got in the office! Ugh...crazy day!

Finally, after all that craziness & after I got weighed & they took my height, the doctor comes out & calls my name. We shook hands & then walked back to his office. He basically reviewed our paperwork & asked follow-up questions about our medical & family history. Then he went on to explain the whole reproductive process & we discussed my concerns. He agreed with me that my LP is "a little on the short side" (his words, not mine - I personally think it is A LOT on the short side). He explained all the testing we need to get done - regular b/w, CD testing & an HSG for me plus an SA for Mr. WB. He also suggested some genetic testing to test to see if we are carriers of cystic fibrosis &/or tay sachs - we still haven't decided if we would do this or not. I asked about testing my progesterone levels & he said that he certainly could, but that regardless of the levels his initial approach to treatment would be the same. He told me that because of my health & age, he thinks that I have an excellent chance of conceiving without invasive procedures. He told me that he believes that I am ovulating, but just late & possibly weak, but he thinks that a low does of fertility medication (ie, Clomid) will help correct my problem. Chef Bud also suggested that I push to get some progesterone supplements along with the Clomid, so that is something I am absolutely going to be bringing up with the Dr. as well.

After we left the office, I really felt like Mr. WB was apprehensive about all the testing & possible cost of everything. We were unable to speak with a financial counselor at the consultation because the lady was out of the office, so they are supposed to be having someone from another office call me this week to discuss costs. I have actually done a bit of research on my insurance & it appears that they cover 85% of testing and treatment, but 0% of Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) - ie, IUI, IVF, etc. The good thing about working for the federal government though is that we have 50+ health care plans to choose from - all with different levels of coverage for certain conditions/Dxs, co-pays & deductibles. And also, the government has negotiated with the available insurance carriers so that there is absolutely NO EXCLUSIONS for pre-existing conditions. So, I think for now, I plan to stick with my current insurance company & make a decision about switching at a later time if we need to.

Tough Decisions:

Photo Credit

So, like I was saying, Mr. WB seemed very apprehensive, which made me feel like he thought I was overreacting or jumping the gun on all of this. He told me that he is just confused because he doesn't know too much about all of this stuff & he does think I am just worrying a bit too much (go figure - once again, hence my name) & a bit too early. I told him that this is how I see it: I would rather do the testing now & find out that nothing is wrong, than wait to do the testing & find out something is wrong a year from now. After a serious discussion, he agreed with me & is okay with moving forward...but still wants to know how much everything will cost out of pocket. If I do not hear from a financial counselor by the end of the day, the nurse told me to call & ask to speak with someone at the end of the week, so hopefully we will get some definitive answers on that front soon.

At this point, I am being optimistic & trying not to stress too much about the whole thing. I hope Dr. G will help us quickly correct my LP issue & we get our BFP very very soon! Oh & 1 more thing - check out my chart (link under "The Beautiful Buds" section over there --> on the right hand column of the blog), today I got CH's on CD 20 & this morning's temp jump was crazy - I don't think my temps have EVER been that high post O. I am not getting to excited about it, it's just odd & worth mentioning. I was just telling Obsessive Bud today, what if my LP does fix itself & I get pg on my own?! How exciting would THAT be?!

Mr. OB's SA

Well tomorrow is the day that Mr. OB goes in for his SA. That's about all new I have to report in the TTC journey. I'm sure everything will be fine but you know me, I obsess and worry. Hopefully everything will go well and we will be parents sooner rather than later.

On another note, I decided to get in shape. I run 5Ks ALOT but realized just because I run them doesn't mean I am healthy or in shape. I gained 41 lbs.. EEK yes I said 41 lbs since I got married and I don't even have an excuse except pure laziness. I also believe that this extra weight gain has caused some issues with my cycles. I know alot of people don't believe that and that is fine but I do. My cycles used to be very normal. I never had spotting. Day 1 of my cycle cramps from hell would come last about 3-4 days and everything would be great. I charted and things looked awesome.

Then I stopped caring. And here I am now. Spotting 2-3 days before AF and 2 days of real flow. I really think if anything it is going to make me a happier and healthier person. What better way to spend your evenings with your husband.. Working out

So . . . now we wait

I am VERY pleased to announce that I got my BFP! With that . . . I shall tell you the story of how incredibly stupid I am.

Tuesday, I had plans to go to a Pampered Chef party at a friend's house. The person selling is PG and she knows we've been TTC. I decided I wanted a drink that night because I didn't want to answer any questions. I decided Tuesday morning - even though it was really early - I would take a test. That morning I woke up early, and, peed on my stick. I then decided to wait less than 2 minutes, see the negative I was expecting, then toss it out. In hindsight - not the best plan - but I was sleepy and clearly not thinking straight. Later, when I woke up again, I was again not thinking clearly when I decided to take it OUT OF THE GARBAGE and look at it. Of course, there was a line, but of course, I couldn't trust that considering!!

Now, after 4 tests, I have two distinct lines on my test!!!!

Now I remain cautiously optimistic. I'm having the early signs of morning sickness. I've literally been sick to my stomach for three days - constantly - though no throwing up. I'm hoping my early BFP and the early nauseated feelings are good signs that the hormones are plentiful (and doing their job). I've been having some cramping but I'm told that is normal. It makes me nervous - but - I'm keeping it all together.

Because I had a chemical pregnancy last time, it's hard to forget that and just be excited. I'm a little scared in the back of my brain even though this time feels differently. As a friend told me, every day I'm still pregnant is a good day, so I'm going to keep that in mind for the next 8 or so months!

I have a doctor's appointment already scheduled - because they were following up on my cyst - so I even get an ultrasound then. I will be about 6 weeks then, so, I'm hoping we get to see a heartbeat so I can relax a little.

That's about all I'm feeling today . . . or at least all I can get out right now.

--Book Bud--

Did they call it the Three Month Wait (or, 3mw)?

The Two Week Wait (or, 2ww) is something that we've all faced on this (sometimes) difficult journey of trying to conceive. This period I refer to is, of course, the time we have to wait after ovulating to find out if this cycle was successful. Some, myself included, will start using those wonderful home pregnancy tests as soon as 8 days after ovulation. OK, so, I personally don't ever know when I ovulate, because I don't track it, so all I know is I start using the HPTs well before I should. I waste a LOT of money peeing on sticks.

Because this is all we've ever known in our generation, it got me thinking how they did things way back when - you know - before HPTs even existed. My mom began having her kids (there are 6 of us) back in the 60s. I asked her how it worked back then. I was shocked to hear that these poor, poor women had to wait to miss three periods before they could go to the doctor and confirm pregnancy. THREE! Sometimes I think I'm going to die waiting 3 or 4 weeks to get an answer. I can't even begin to imagine the agony of waiting three months.

On the other hand, one could argue that waiting so long - and not using HPTs - is a blessing in disguise. For those of us who have had the unfortunate experience of a chemical pregnancy, you might know what I mean. I won't say knowing I had nearly succeeded (I mean the sperm FERTILIZED my egg!) is something I wish I hadn't known. It was just weird to think that had I been taking this journey 40 years ago instead of now - things would have happened quite differently. My period would have just been a little late and that would have been that.

So, ladies, I leave you with these thoughts. Sometimes technology is a blessing - we get to be really impatient and pee on sticks at home as often as we want (or can afford to!). But also, it can cause us some pain and heartache because we actually get to see what we're losing. In some cases, like mine, I got to watch it fade away . . . while knowing I couldn't do anything to bring it back. I guess each of our generations have downsides.

Good luck to all my girls in the 2ww right now. I hope it goes by quickly and painlessly for all - and with at least a few babies to show for it!

Hit the 1st bump in the pregnancy

My doctors office called today, while I was at work and left a message on my voice mail that I didn't get until 11pm. My one hour glucose tolerance test was a little high so I win the lovely prize of having to have the 3 hour test done.

With my medical issues over the past couple of years I know that I am at a higher risk for gestational diabetes and this is why my doctor has tested me so early in the first place.
So tomorrow (or rather later this morning) I get to call and find out how much fun the next test will be.

The journey may not be easy but I think in the end it will be all worth it once our little Daffodil Bud is here.

I'm perplexed AND scared to test!

For some reason, I'm really worried about testing this cycle. I just can't bear to see another BFN! Yet I have numerous people telling me that they think I'm pregnant based on my chart.

I also feel like I very well could be pregnant but then again I'm not tired or run down. Maybe it's just too early for thos symptoms yet.

Well, I guess I will just have to wait and see what my temperature does tomorrow. If it goes up, then I may test. I was trying so hard to hold out until Saturday but we will see if I make it or not.

Ugh, I really hate the flip flopping that I'm doing right now.