October 30, 2009

To TEST or Not To TEST for Recurrent Pregnancy Loss

So, my new RE Dr. B sent me to Quest Diagnostic last month to have a full Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL) Blood Work Panel and WOWzers they took 26 vials of Blood! I went in hoping that I would at least find an answer for my miscarriages, but I was anxious because I knew that often times the results come back normal. Despite my nervousness, Dr. B and Mr. Blessed Bud both strongly agreed that before we try and get PG again that I should go ahead and have the RPL Testing.


Photography Credit




Here is what my new RE tested me for:


ANA
Protein C Activity
Protein S Activity
Protein S Antigenic

Plasminogen Activity Inhibin 1
Lupus Anticougulant
Antithrombin III Activity
Antithrombin II Antigen
Factor V Leiden
Factor IX Activity
Factor VIII Activity

T4/T3 Uptake/T$ Free/TSH
Proclactin
Homocysteine
Prothombin Gene Analysis
B2 Glycoprotein
MTHFR Mutation
Anticardolipin AB
Antiphosphoserine
Antiphosphatidylinositol
Antithyroid Antibodies

Platelet Antibody
Annexin VAB
DNA (DS) Abs
ACE insertion/deletion

So I finally had all of this blood drawn, and patiently awaited my test results...


THE RESULTS:

My RPL TEST RESULTS diagnosed me with a small amount of Annexin V antibodies (Antiphospholipid Antibodies) and 1 copy of MTHFR C677T. Other than that everything else came back NORMAL. I believe Dr. B will be putting me on Baby Aspirin and Low Dose Predisone. So, if at first you don't succeed dust yourself off and try again...

Photography Credit



Doc appointment - Beta levels Part 1

This morning I had my first appointment to draw blood to see if my beta levels are doubling.

To start off with, I am in love with this office!! The nurses are super nice, very supportive and were so helpful. I can go on about my 30 minute appointment.


The doctor also gave me more prenatal vitamins called PreNexa which are suppose to be very good because they have more Folic acid and DHA. The only bad part is the pills are huge!! Hopefully these do not make me feel nausea's like Obtrex did.

On Monday I go again to draw blood and pray to God that my Beta's are doubling.

Off to go eat the only thing that I want.. Quesadillas with sour cream and coleslaw!! Yummy!!




October 29, 2009

What Next!!!!

We just got the news that the cost of health insurance at Mr. Daisy Bud is going to skyrocket and the coverage is going to be much less. So much less that we're not sure if we will be able to afford to continue the insurance with them. That's where the trouble lies. All of the private insurance plans require you to be on them for 18 months before being pregnant. Plus with the additional medical cost I don't know what we should really be doing.
I guess we'll just have to see what happens this cycle since I'm within a day or so of Oing anyways. I really don't want to have to stop TTC, but I'm really not sure of any other options.

Mr. OB's SA

Well tomorrow is the day that Mr. OB goes in for his SA. That's about all new I have to report in the TTC journey. I'm sure everything will be fine but you know me, I obsess and worry. Hopefully everything will go well and we will be parents sooner rather than later.

On another note, I decided to get in shape. I run 5Ks ALOT but realized just because I run them doesn't mean I am healthy or in shape. I gained 41 lbs.. EEK yes I said 41 lbs since I got married and I don't even have an excuse except pure laziness. I also believe that this extra weight gain has caused some issues with my cycles. I know alot of people don't believe that and that is fine but I do. My cycles used to be very normal. I never had spotting. Day 1 of my cycle cramps from hell would come last about 3-4 days and everything would be great. I charted and things looked awesome.

Then I stopped caring. And here I am now. Spotting 2-3 days before AF and 2 days of real flow. I really think if anything it is going to make me a happier and healthier person. What better way to spend your evenings with your husband.. Working out

Stress free is the way to be!

So, my last post I talked about the debate on whether or not to chart. I wasn't sure, I was going back and forth, and when the time came?

I took a break.

stress free:)) Pictures, Images and Photos

I cannot tell you how nice it's been for me. Mr. Snow Bud and I have been BD'ing because we want to, not because we think it's good timing. I have been sleeping better than I have the last few months, and it's SO wonderful. For this month, I feel as though I'm really going with the flow. To me, it would be the best way to conceive our child. I would love nothing more than to begin the journey to mommy-hood in a stress free body, with a clear mind and a patient heart.

I do need to say, because I think this is hilarious, that Mr. Snow Bud has been holding off on "releasing" anything during BD. He says he's saving it up for the positive OPK test day. Whatever Mr. Snow Bud, suit yourself! :]

I posted on my favorite TTC message board about taking a break. Some people advised me against it, some people said to go for it. Some people knew how stressed charting had made me and urged me to not chart this month. I do believe that to each their own, and I do think that I will pick charting back up next month, if we don't get our BFP this month.

Either way, I feel like letting out a big sigh of relief.

Whew.

Until next time,
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Very Quick Update

I just got the call from the doctor. Everything looks good
21,000 for HCG and 25 for progesterone
I still have to stay on the progesterone pill though but I sure feel better. Now for the bleeding to stop.
Faith, Love, and Baby Flutters,
Mrs. BrainyBud

The results are in...



I am over the moon.

Here is the recap... last night after dinner I tell Mr. Bud that we might be knocked up. and I'm so proud of him when he asked me.. 'How are your temps?" to tell you the truth I never thought he was actually paying attention when I would tell him about the temps and all of that. So I showed him the graph how yesterday's temp went up and he smiled. Then tells me that he's not going to be able to sleep until we know for sure and of course I caved in and told him we have 1 digital left from our m/c. He looked at me with the face saying what the hell are you waiting for Go!!! and I tested :)

This is our second cycle trying after our m/c and I used OPK's to try to pinpoint my O date. After ovulation I had non stop cramping on my right side for a week and a half, and then on 8 DPO and then very light spotting on 9 DPO which I was hoping it was implantation spotting.

Tomorrow Im going to the Doctors to draw blood for my beta levels and then again on Monday. I am praying that they are doubling and we have a healthy sticky baby.

Not getting any better



I'll be the first to admit that my absolute FAVORITE color to wear is red, but now I'm beginning to despise anything that color because my spotting is getting worse. It is now more abundant and has turned dark red since Monday's first incident of brownish-black. (I know TMI) But I digress, this progesterone treatment isn't working and the fact that the doctor still hasn't called with lab results that were due yesterday by noon is killing me. I just know that something is wrong, I just know it. My faith is fading as quickly as my patience. I'm trying to stay strong for Mr. BrainyBud, but I'm not sure how long that will last.

Just,
Mrs. BrainyBud

October 28, 2009

Coincidence?

An interesting coincidence about this cycle is that the cycle that we conceived Little Daisy Bud 2 years ago started on October 13th, which happens to be the same day this cycle started. I'm hoping this is a good sign.

Strange Cycle

So far this cycle has been so weird.

First, my period was only 4 days long and it usually 7 to 8 days.
Then, I had spotting on CD 11 along with watery CM. I have never done this.
Lastly, I am almost positive I am going to O sooner than usual.

Let's hope that this is a sign that this cycle is going to be THE ONE!

Thoughts On Becoming A Mother.

Author Unknown

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought,
without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation
are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child,
knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends
will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child
that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife,
a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

October 27, 2009

Priceless......

New BBT (after a failed search and rescue mission) - $8.00
Gummy-Vites with folic acid - $7.00
Stash of $Tree OPK's - $10.00
Having a very important TTC talk with the DH - Priceless!!!

I literally just got done venting on my favorite message board about how I was so frustrated that our TTC has been hampered by what seems like a futile job search. My sister just announced to me yesterday that she and BIL will be TTC and while I wanted to be excited, it made me so depressed because I was wishing that we were in the same place, but as of late it has seemed like TTC would be on hold for longer than anticipated.

Tonight DH and I talked though. He told me that he wants to start trying. It is a long story and a big conversation about how he reached this conclusion, especially since we have had some big goals for before TTC. We have accomplished almost all of them and the ones that remain are ones that he feels confident will be taken care of very soon. Sooooooo.......while we will likely still wait another month or so to sort things out (being the practical, planner-type people that we are), I am ecstatic that this thing that I have been hoping for for so long might actually become a reality sooner than I thought. I will be sure to post more about how this process unfolds. Right now I am just trying to take it all in and think through everything that we need to do for ourselves......and for our future Fitness Baby!

A Flicker of Hope

Today was my first prenatal appointment, and I spent about 1.5 hours there. I first was weighed and it said that I weighed 145-146 lbs, which I'm not buying that I've gained 5 lbs because I had on a heavy sweater over my shirt and boots, so we'll say that was it. I then PIAC and sat down for 2 seconds when we were called back into a tiny little room. We answered about 5 minutes of questions about family history and had my blood pressure taken, it was great as usual. Then Nurse J brought in the large ultrasound machine and we watched as she got the va-ja-jay cam ready with goo and condom alike.

Then Dr. K came in and we talked a little about SEC football (he is a UTK fan, why I like my Dr is beyond this UGA gal's thoughts) and then we told him about the brown bleeding. I started having some medium-heavy brown spotting yesterday and today which is a concern so Dr. K put me on Prometrium to keep the bleeding down and hopefully secure the pregnancy. There IS a risk of miscarriage, and he wanted to take all precautions we can today. Dr. K is going to have them run a Progesterone test in with my bloodwork and if it above 20 (I think) then we should be okay, but he's putting me on the medicine anyway in case something happens between now and then. So I'm waiting on pins and needles to see if the bloodwork shows up good tomorrow. I then got undressed and waited for him and Nurse A to come back in to do the vaginal ultrasound. Mr. BrainyBud and I were very anxious to see if there was anything even in there after the days events, but sure enough, there was!


Meet Baby BrainyBud. Tiny at 6 weeks, but still in the ute! It took Dr. K what seemed like FOREVER to tell us that he saw a flicker of a heartbeat... A FLICKER!

We saw the flicker of a heartbeat but it was very small but gave me a glimmer of hope. We won't know for sure until the bloodwork though...speaking of bloodwork (YIKES!) I went to the lab and they asked me to sit in the chair, and I shook my head like a 2 year old and say "No!" I told them my ordeal with needles and they took me to a room where I could lay down. The lab tech was great about not showing me the needle and I even got the pediatric needle I asked for! Mr. BrainyBud was my rock, he kept eye contact with me, rubbed my head even when I was crying and said I felt like I was going to throw up! (I didn't) And like that it was done. I could NOT have done it without him. He said I was very brave, but I think it was all him.I just hope the results come back good tomorrow and that in 2 weeks the baby is good and healthy.

We also found out that the new EDD is June 20,2010, Father's Day. What a great present, no? What makes this even more special is that it will be 28 years to the day that Mr. BrainyBud was born, and it was a Father's Day that year too!

LOTS OF FAITH, love and baby flutters,
Mrs. BrainyBud

12 weeks!!!

I can't believe we made it this far! I feel so blessed and am truly loving being pregnant. I have my next doctor appointment on Thursday and I can't wait!!! For now here is the newest belly shot!

Implantation Spotting.. Hopefully

Today marks 9DPO and my body is playing games with me, I dunno if its a mental thing or what.

After ovulation I had strong cramps
for 4-5 days and then on and off for the past couple of days. Yesterday I was starving alllllllll day and when I would eat I would not get full so that already had me in cloud 9 thinking that there was a possibility that I was KU. As soon as I got home I had to POAS, I know I know its kind of early but I could not resists. It was a very very faint line, but I really did not want to count on this almost not there line. A line is a line, but that was a very very faint, it actually looked like the line was already there before I tested.

I went to FertilityFriend.com and checked out their OPK gallery and look what I
found:



Then this morning when I went to the restroom I had some very light brownish spotting and I just kept thinking great AF is going to show up early. AF has never shown up early, she is always here on the 27th day why would she show up early? Later in the morning when I used the restroom the spotting was gone.

Could this have been Implantation spotting? It does happen around 9 DPO.

I really hope this is our month, tomorrow I am going to test with FMU and I will let you know!

Truly Blessed...

O Lord of hosts, blessed is the man that trusteth in thee. (Psalms 84:12)

Hi Everybody! I am the newest Bud on the Blog Blessed Bud! I feel very happy to be a part of Bloomin’ Babies and thankful that I will be able to share my TTC journey and encourage other women who desire to have a child.


Mr. & Mrs. Blessed Bud
I met Mr. Blessed Bud back in 2004 in New York and we have been together ever since. We became very close because my mother passed away 6 months after we met and his support let me know he would always be there for me. We were married in the Destination Wedding of our dreams October 11, 2008 in Ocho Rios, Jamaica.



Mr. Blessed Bud has a daughter from a previous relationship and he has sole custody of her. I have been in her life since she was 1.5 years old and I have had lots of practice parenting, as I am helping him raise her. I plan on legally adopting my step-daughter in 2010. At our wedding in Jamaica, she told me and Mr. Blessed Bud she wants a brother and a sister as soon as possible, so I guess we have a lot of work to do.





A Little TTC History
In 2006 about 5 months before Mr. Blessed Bud and I got engaged I got the biggest SURPRISE, I found out I was pregnant! It was a huge shock because we were NOT TTC at all. I had gone on a trip to Jamaica in April 2006 and apparently was PG then but never thought anything about my breast being tender during the trip. When I returned home my OB confirmed my pregnancy with an Ultrasound. I was 6 weeks and I was going to be a MOMMY! Well about 1.5 weeks later (May 2006) at work I started to bleed and I immediately left work and went to my OB. He told me I was threatening to miscarry and I was DEVASTATED! I was put on bed rest for 2 days and I miscarried while on bed rest. I had a D&C right after my miscarriage.

No words can describe how painful miscarriage can be, but through the grace of God and lots of prayer I got through it. Three months later Mr. Blessed Bud proposed to me and I dove head first into planning what would eventually be our Destination Wedding in Jamaica. This helped me cope with my miscarriage, and we decided we would not officially start TTC until after our wedding.

Before starting TTC in December 2008, I went to my OB for a pre-conception check-up and a basic uterine ultrasound. Everything appeared OK and my OB told me to try for 6 months to get PG and if I did not, to come see her again. December 2008 was our first natural cycle and a BFN. I did not get AF in January or February and I became slightly concerned, but I sometimes had irregular periods. March and April were both BFN's and I did not waste anymore time, I got on the phone with an RE and set up a consultation.

After many tests with my RE, I was diagnosed with PCOS and decided to do an injectables cycle with timed intercourse with Dr. P in July 2009. The news: BFP! I was ecstatic that we got PG on our first cycle with my RE, but unfortunately I miscarried again in August 2009 at 4 weeks. In September I switched to Dr. B, my new RE that specializes in Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and I have a new outlook on my TTC journey.


Moving Forward
Despite all of the obstacles we have been faced with, I feel blessed that God has allowed me to become a stronger person after everything we have been through. My Faith in God is what keeps me on my TTC Journey and I continue to pray for the day when we have a little Baby Blessed Bud to add to our family.




October 26, 2009

Go Team Blue!

You guessed it - We are officially Team Blue!!! Photo Credit

When we first went in the tech asked if we wanted to know the sex. Of course we said yes! She then said that only if she's 100% sure will she say either way. Then Baby GB decided to spread eagle!!! And she said - we've definitely got a boy! Mr. GB of course needs to be sure before he gets excited so he asked the tech again how sure she was. Her response was really funny - she said (in really technical terms) that they say a boy looks like a turtle head and a girl looks like a big mac... she points to the money shot and says "THAT, is a turtle head." Haha... here's proof:

Then we went through about a zillion other angles and shots - all of which she said seemed to look ok. I guess Dr. C gets to go through all of them and only if she see's something out of the ordinary will she call... let's hope for no call! :)

The heart had all 4 chambers and the heartbeat was at 156 beats per minute. Baby GB's kidney's were functioning and his bladder was full (as was mine! I had to get up and pee 1/2 way through). The spine looked straight and the head was measuring right on track. I can't remember exactly but I think she said he was about 9 ounces based on all her measurements.

The rest is kind of a blur but I have ton of pictures! This one's my favorite:

I think that's all the excitement for today - our next appointment is Nov. 7th and we get to meet our alternate doctor, Dr. W - just in case Dr. C isn't available. That should be fun, I hope she isn't planning any late March vacations!!!

Cheers everyone!

Trying to be optimistic

I apologize for being a bit absent lately - basically, I don't have too much going on. Right now I'm just waiting to O & I am still charting, although not as good as I have been doing the past few cycles. I actually went on FF yesterday & noticed that I forgot to input last Thursday & Friday's temps! And the thing is that I definitely temped, I just never put them in FF & then I wrote over the temps I put in my cell notepad without entering them - OOPS! I have been REALLY busy with house stuff (we are re-doing our entire Master Bath :oD) and the biggest news is we just bought me a new SUV this weekend, woo hoo! It is our "family car" for the future little ones - a 2008 Toyota Highlander with all the extras I have wanted since FOREVER! And we got a great deal on it because my uncle's friend is the manager of the Toyota dealership we went to. It a pearly white & is getting detailed & whatnot, but should be ready for pickup at the end of this week; this photo is the same model/year Highlander:


All of this stuff going on is helping me quickly pass the time this cycle, which is always a good thing. Also, I am just a little over a week away from my RE appointment on November 3rd! I truly hope & pray that he will be receptive of my concerns & help me figure out how to correct my LP issues. In the mean time, I am staying busy & being optimistic about our chances of getting pregnant soon!

October 25, 2009

Books on my Nightstand

Image Source

If you are having/ or think you may have infertility issues, this books is a definite must read. I didn't know too much about this book when I first saw it and assumed that it was more of a book on the struggles of TTC, but after about Chapter 3, it dives straight into the world of infertility. I kept reading it because it was very good. If you are just starting to TTC, I wouldn't go out and purchase this book, however...

I would DEFINITELY recommend this book to those struggling with infertility treatments!

Faith, Love, and Baby Flutters

Mrs. Brainy Bud


All IUI's should be THIS fun!

I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible, btw.

You ever have one of those weeks where you feel like everything is going wrong and when you think it can't get any worse some else happens and all you can do is laugh?


Yup! that was my morning.


So we get to the RE's office at 8am. DH gave his "sample" and the nurse told us that it would be about 45 minutes to and hour for the wash. By the time they called it was about 9:30am. We went in to the room and the nurse was really nice. The first thing she said was "This is where the magic happens" How romantic!
She told us the post-wash count was 60 million and then gave me a brief run through of what would be happening. She asked if I had any questions and then we started.


Thus began the funny part.....


They could not get the catheter in to my uterus. She tried a couple of times and it just was not working. She then went and found another nurse to try. She was a little rougher but the discomfort/pain was bearable.

Nurse #1 was trying to take my mind of what was going on by asking me when I wanted to do my P4 b/w and then asked me if this was my first insemination to which I responded yes. She replied, "Oh no! I'm so sorry we're ruining it for you"

Nurse #2 also had no luck.

They said they would call the RE and have him do it. Great!


Well the RE was doing an ET. They said he would be about 45 minutes. So we went back out to the waiting room and waited. Thankfully, the RE's office has a computer station with internet access so I was able to keep myself entertained. Mind you, the RE's office closes at 9:30 on Sundays. At this point it was already about 10:25am so the office was completely empty they had turned off some of the lights and it was just DH & I. I soooo wanted to take a nap. We got gotten up at 5:30am to make to almost 2 hour drive to the office.


Anyway, once the Dr. was done we went back in to the room.

He was really nice and tried to make me comfortable.

As it turns out, my uterus is backwards which equals a painful IUI.

I didn't see what was going on because I was laying down but I do know that they inserted the speculum, then he inserted a needle (yes, a needle in my vagina!) with an anesthetic to numb the area (so glad I didn't see this part, I would have freaked out), then put in the tenaculum


and used it to straighten the angle between the cervix and the uterus could he insert the catheter. The whole thing was really painful and took about 15 minutes. Much worse than the HSG. DH was nervous since he saw everything they were sticking in there but he was really good at trying to get me to relax.
After they were done they left us in the room so I could lay for about 15-20 minutes. At this point DH started his comedy hour. He was being super silly and loving which was great :)
Once the time was up we went home. On the way down the elevator the IVF patients that the RE was working on before be got on when we passed the lab floor. Nurses 1 & 2 were with us also and Nurse #1 was chatting with her. The wife was saying how the ET went so much better than she could have ever hoped and that sh was so excited. I was so happy for her. I didn't even know this woman and at that instant I just wanted to hug her and wish her luck! Wherever you are lady in the elevator, I wish you lots of luck and hope your embies snuggle in for the long haul!!!

So now I'm home and up from my nice long nap. I laid in the car since sitting was just not an option and I'm still in a bit of pain now which is usually made better once I lay down.
I'll be back there tomorrow for IUI #2.

The RE that's doing it tomorrow did my HSG so I'm hoping he'll have an easier time.

That's all for today :) I'll have a brief update after tomorrow.


The 2WW is torture

Today I am 8 DPO, but it seems like it's been months since I ovulated! I don't know how 8 days can seem so long.

This has been an interesting month. It's the first month I've been on the medication regimine prescribed by my RE. At the beginning of the month, there were five days of femara. Then on CD14, I had the pleasure of giving myself a shot called ovidrel, which triggered ovulation. I actually gave myself the shot, which is a huge deal because I do NOT do well with needles. It's amazing the fears you can overcome for something you want so badly. Then four days after the shot, I started on endometrine, which is a progesterone suppository.

When I started out with all this, I was sure that it would be the trick for me to get pregnant. Now that I am at the end of my cycle I'm not so sure. I don't know what it is that makes me think I'm not pregnant right now. I've actually had more symptoms than any other month, including cramps, backaches and moodiness. But I have no idea if that is progesterone side effects or pg symptoms. I also still have high temps and no spotting, which is great for me. But again, that could be attributed to the progesterone. Maybe I am not feeling like this will be our month because I have to have some sort of defense mechanism to protect myself from being crushed if I start AF. I did test this morning and it was a BFN, but I know it was early. I guess I will have keep waiting, see what my temps do and hope that AF stays away!

17 Week 6 Days...

... 1 day until the BIG ultrasound! I already know I won't be able to sleep well tonight.

I've got all sorts of things running through my head -
  • Is it too early to tell?
  • Is everything ok?
  • Why haven't I felt this baby move?
  • Why haven't I popped yet?
Ugh! Hopefully not only will tomorrow's u/s tell us what team we're playing for but I'm hoping it'll ease my mind (for the time being anyway) that everything is okay with Baby GB.

A breif mornng rant...

Dear Cervix,

You suck.

Tis' all.

Yours Truly,

Me



I'll elaborate once I get home.

October 24, 2009

Good end to a not so good week.....

"Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of life. -Maureen Hawkins"

This week has been pretty crazy for me. I think when I started this cycle I had expectations on how things would go. I thought I would have responded a little better to the meds which turned out to be not so much. I also found out that one of my really good friends/my god-daughter's mom is pregnant with #2. I haven't really had any trouble dealing with friends being PG but yesterday, I think due to my being extra hormonal, I lost it. Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic for them. She's going to be 40 so I know they were eager to get pregnant soon and had been trying with no luck for almost a year....it was just a shock and I was totally shocked that I reacted that way. Anyway, I'm looking forward to having another baby to spoil. They make adorable kids.

Ok...back to the cycle.

On Thursday, CD 12 I went in for my first u/s and E2 check. My largest follie was about 15mm and my E2 was 173. I was asked to go back on Fri. That testing showed an E2 of 199 and my follie was up to 17mm. Today my E2 was at 273 and Mr. Follie is up to 22mm! I'm a little disappointed that I only have 1 but, 1 is better than none.

The RE's office called and said to do the trigger tonight between 7-9pm (DONE!). Tomorrow morning at 8am we'll report to IUI #1, then back again Monday morning for IUI #2.

So! Here we go!
I'm really excited but also incredibly nervous. I'm trying to be positive without getting my hopes too high. Something that is SO HARD to do.

Wish us luck! I'll be back to tell you about it tomorrow.



My letter to my Aunt

Dear AF,

Will you come or not come? Geez seriously this is not fun. I hate spotting. HATE HATE HATE it. I wish you would come full force if you are going to come at all. Honestly I wish you would go on vacation for about 9 months or so. Your maybe I will show up, maybe I won't show up crap is really upsetting me. I really hate this. Ugh you piss me off.

That's all.

Sincerely yours,

Obsessive Bud

In my hiding cave.

Well, AF officially showed up after about 3 days of spotting. She arrived Thursday and was not very nice about it.

I think because we really thought this could have been our month, I've been fairly reserved. I'm not visiting my favorite TTC message board as much, I'm trying not to think about TTC, I am not temping during AF. I need a break for a few days. Funny, I didn't have a heart sunk into my stomach sort of feeling when she arrived. It was more of a day, push it to the back of my head and move on feeling.

So, I really don't have much to report in terms of TTC. I told Mr. Snow Bud this morning that I am not sure I want to chart this next cycle. He doesn't understand it. I just know that this last month, even doing everything right, it still didn't work. I lost sleep so many nights during my 2WW, our BDing was so calculated, and we were referring to them as "business meetings", and because it was so planned and calculated, we barely BD'ed after O, I think we both needed a break after that monotony of it all.

So, now I have a day or two to decide if charting is right for me this next cycle. Yikes.

On a happier note, we took in a foster puppy on Thursday. He is a 6 month old Bulldog mix, and as cute as could be. If we didn't have the three already, I would adopt him in a heartbeat. I'll leave you with his adorable face.

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Until next time,
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October 23, 2009

Where Oh Where Could my BBT Be??

I can't imagine how I managed to lose my BBT after taking my temperature multiple times a day for 5 days, but it has officially vanished. Since I know for certain that it must be within a 10 foot radius of my bed (I didn't leave my bed for almost a week) I have been hesitant to purchase a new one, but I think I will have to take the plunge. I am now on CD 7 and only have one good temp. My first 4 were tainted by the flu, I got one good one in, and then the BBT vanished into thin air. I was thinking of just winging it for the rest of the cycle, but I am really hoping to get a good cycle in.

The last two cycles have appeared to be anovulatory but I suspect it was just because my temp times were all over the place due to my work schedule. I think I finally found a time that would be more feasible for me to temp, so I want to try again and see how this month goes, and if there is a more clear temperature shift. We are still TTA and while I can sort of predict my O date, I really feel like I should be more sure if we want to avoid any "oopsies." Although I must confess.....I think that both of us would be ok with an oops. More on that too come.....

Self-preservation or stupidity, probably both

First off, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while . . . a long while. I'm just in a really weird place right now and I don't know if it's pregnancy hormones or just this constant dreary weather that has me down. I am almost 8 weeks pregnant and up until the last week I was high as a kite, over the moon excited. Now that I'm approaching our first doctor's appointment I'm terrified, to be honest. On Monday of this week I had a little bit of red blood on the toilet paper when I wiped. It never happened again and I haven't had any cramping so I just check it off as a fluke. Also up until this week I would talk to Baby Hopefulbud every night before we went to sleep and every morning before we got out of bed. I would thank both God and Baby HB for another day together. This week, I haven't felt as connected. I feel great, very little nausea, incredibly sore boobs, but nothing too unbearable. I have no reason to believe that something is wrong with our baby, which leads me to believe that it's just self-preservation. I'm usually such an optimistic person, but when something is really really important and personal I often think the worst and then am thrilled when something good happens. I think that is what I'm doing in preparing for our doctor's appointment on Monday. Unconsciously I'm thinking "if I just distance myself from the baby a little, then it won't hurt so bad if something isn't right." That is terrible thinking, I hate that I feel that way. I hate it that I pray "God if something isn't right with this baby, take him or her now before I get too attached." What kind of a mother prays this? I am totally ready to be a mother, or I guess as ready as any individual can be, and I want to be ecstatic to be pregnant. I just didn't expect the fears that came along with being pregnant. No one really tells you that before you are pregnant. My sister and all my friends seemed to have such smooth pregnancies. They made it look easy. I'm sure they were wrestling with these same fears inside, I just didn't know it.

On Monday at our appointment we will discuss family history, what I can and can't do the next 32 weeks, get blood work done and hopefully see the heartbeat. I pray that we get to see Baby HB's heartbeat. I think that will do wonders for my fears.


Currently Baby HB is the size of a blueberry. Baby's brain -- both hemispheres! -- is growing fast, generating about 100 new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place.


Please Baby HB have a strong heartbeat so that we can see it on Monday if we get an u/s. This will make mommy and daddy so happy. We love you so much already!

Just Hangin' Around

So, this cycle I am just hanging out. I am continuing to chart because it helps me know my body. However, I am not stressing over it and I am not looking at my chart after I put in the info. I put it in and then go to another website.

There really isn't much to say. I am hopeful, but not too hopeful. I am focusing on everything except TTC. I think I am in the mind frame of "If I don't think about it, it will happen". So, we will see.

I am on CD 8, so perhaps this time next week I will be ovulating and then we will see just how calm I am then.

The only news I have for you is that we close on our house in 2 weeks. That's right, 2 weeks from today (Friday, October 23rd). We are so excited!

I'm an emotional wreck!

Image Source

Last night, I was an emotional wreck! I completely broke down and felt like the worst mother-to-be in the world. I sat in my living room floor, in the dark, just sobbing uncontrollably stating all types of horrible things that I won't mention here because I know so many of you would love to be in my position right now (KU). Basically, after about an hour of Mr. BrainyBud trying to get to the root of the problem, we basically just decided that I am so scared of being pregnant. Not being a mother, just the next 9 months part. I don't know what possessed me to think that I am strong enough to handle this. I just felt that I couldn't do it. Of course I would never abort, no way.... and I'm definitely ready to be a mom.... but I am just terrified to be going through all of this. Terrified. I wouldn't wish last night's meltdown on anyone, but just know that I'm better today, but still scared if I am going to be able to do this.


OH! and the spotting went away yesterday! so here's hoping for another good day!


FAITH, love and baby flutters,
Mrs. BrainyBud

October 22, 2009

On to Cycle # 5

Yup that's right. On to cycle # 5. So this morning I checked my cervix as normal and there was red blood. Looks like its on to the next cycle. Now don't start saying, it could be implantation bleeding or anything like that. I don't believe it (Pessimistic much?). I'm 99.999999 % certain it's AF showing up for the weekend. Yay! Insert sarcasm here. Hey at least I can drink for all of our Halloween parties right? I rather not drown my sorrows in alcohol and THAT is a huge statement from me. I love to drink. But I would rather give it up for a little embryo. Sigh. The time will come right? That's what everyone keeps on telling me. But..

I don't believe it. Maybe its because I really thought this was the cycle. For the first time saw EWCM. We had great timing, but we ALWAYS have great timing. That doesn't help. Who knows now. I'm starting to think since it hasn't happened in the first 4 cycles.. its going to take a REALLY long time now. I feel like you either get it in the first 3 or you are screwed. I think we are screwed.

I hate this. I'm a firm believer in God. I really do believe in a higher being. But today I'm not going to lie I asked myself on the way to work this. "Really? DON'T YOU THINK WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH? Seriously, 1 month in the hospital with a husband paralyzed wasn't ENOUGH for us?"

Then I thought, "Oh yeah we must have ran out of "Get us out of jail cards" while we prayed for Mr. OB to live through his brain ordeal" But.. you can't run out of those. Right? I mean its impossible. I still have faith!

My next thought, "I'm going to be happy and thankful. Grateful Mr. OB is still here." It sucks we deserve a baby along with others who deserve it and are trying.

Its been 4 tries. I can't give up trying. There are couples out there who have been trying WAY longer than we have and are probably saying, "Talk to me when you have been trying 24 + months" And you know what?

They are exactly right! Its been 4 cycles. 4 months. 4 of the best months of my life. Mr. OB and I have gotten REALLY closer and I know my body so well. Even through all the sadness after AF visits I realize we can try again. We will get through this.

So what's next? Well Mr. OB is going to go ahead and get an SA to see where we are with that. Since he was in the hospital for a month and had numerous CT scans and MRIs that could have had an issue with his little boys. Nothing time can't fix. Or at least that is what I am telling my self.

In January I will go on Mr. OB's insurance. His insurance covers IF treatments which is great however, the down side, is AFTER July 2010 they stop coverage due to an increase of claims. Therefore, if we need treatment we have to get it done before then or pay out of pocket (Not cool!) But hey at least we have about 6 months of coverage. Lets hope we don't need anything and I get KU on our awesome cruise in November!

13 weeks 3 days and Doctor Appointment

So depending on whose calculation you go by I either hit my 2nd trimester yesterday at 13 weeks 3 days or on Sunday at 13 weeks. Either way I have made it to the 2nd trimester, woo hoo!

So yesterday I had an appointment with the OB. Lets start out by saying pretty much the same as the rest, pee in a cup, step on the scale of shame(I always hate scales) and have my BP taken by a nurse. Yesterday was the 1st time I got to hear the sweetest most amazing sound in the world though. I got to hear the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler. Getting to that point was a bit of another story.



The nurse tried to get it on the Doppler and all she was picking up was mine so I started to get just a wee bit nervous. So the doctor comes in and he tries for about a minute and nothing, he is getting ready to send me for an ultrasound and the Doppler tool he is using lets out this awful high pitched squeal he says I'll be right back just stay where you are (flat on my back on a exam table holding my extra roll out of the way for him) and comes back with a different Doppler tool. Within 30 seconds he finds the heartbeat and it is a nice steady high 140's low 150's heartbeat. best sound in the world when you are 13 weeks and haven't heard or seen your baby yet!



I didn't get to go for that ultrasound I still get to wait until 18-20 weeks for that but I know my little bud is in there and doing well.



Here is this weeks "bump" picture to show where I am at now :)


Implantation Cramps

Since Sunday night I have been having some very mild cramping on my right lower right side. Then this morning I had two really sharp pains on the same side. These pains lasted like two seconds each and then go away. It feels like a constant pressure, kind of an achy pressure.

Could this be implantation?


Everything that I have researched says women can feel this cramping around 8-10 dpo. This cramping is due to
the newly fertilized egg burrows itself into the wall of your uterus however I'm only 4 dpo.

Can implantation really happen this early?



October 21, 2009

I've been a bad blogger!!!

The last few weeks have been a little rough but we are getting back to normal now. I was very sick with morning sickness 24/7 and throwing up all day long.... Not fun! Then little Faith Bud got sick with what is suspected to have been H1N1. Then of course I got it! I was pretty much sick & in bed for 2 weeks. We also moved into a new house this past weekend so still trying to get settled here. I am still dropping pounds, down 8 now according to our scale, but the bump is definitely growing! I am feeling little flutters so I'm thinking that all is OK. I have my next appointment in a week. I'm excited but nervous for it. I am going alone as Mr Faith Bud has to work. I'm very excited to hear the heartbeat but am nervous that something will be wrong. We are just a short 2 weeks away from being out of the first trimester! I can't believe it! I am so excited to see our little monkey. Here is a picture of the 11 week bump! Enjoy!!!

Aging, Infertile and Generally Feeling Bad about Myself

So, I'm 34 today.

Yesterday, I opened a little pink package, and popped a pill.

http://www.healthsquare.com/common/images/o/ORG02611_53581_5.JPG

BCPs. Ugh. I don't think prior to yesterday I ever read the list of side effects before. These sumbitches are scary.

Drugs.com lists the following as possible side effects of BCPs:

* sudden numbness or weakness, especially on one side of the body;
* sudden headache, confusion, problems with vision, speech, or balance;
* chest pain or heavy feeling, pain spreading to the arm or shoulder, nausea, sweating, general ill feeling;
* a change in the pattern or severity of migraine headaches;
* nausea, stomach pain, low fever, loss of appetite, dark urine, clay-colored stools, jaundice (yellowing of the skin or eyes);
* swelling in your hands, ankles, or feet;
* a breast lump; or
* symptoms of depression (sleep problems, weakness, mood changes).

Less serious side effects may include:
* mild nausea, vomiting, bloating, stomach cramps;
* breast pain, tenderness, or swelling;
* freckles or darkening of facial skin;
* increased hair growth, loss of scalp hair;
* changes in weight or appetite;
* problems with contact lenses;
* vaginal itching or discharge;
* changes in your menstrual periods, decreased sex drive; or
* headache, nervousness, dizziness, tired feeling.

I just can't believe I'm back on BCPs.
I know it's for a good reason, and it's getting me closer to my goal of IVF and getting pregnant - but it's still really sad for me. Just like putting the BBT in a drawer and turning off the daily 5am alarm that reminds me to temp. It's been replaced by a 9am alarm that tells me to take my pill.

It's just a reminder that for the next 2 months, I will not get pregnant.


Don't get me wrong.... i'm PSYCHED to cycle. I know IVF offers us the best shot we have of conceiving. But knowing without a doubt that we won't get pregnant makes me sad.


Don't tell DH, but it has squashed my sex drive like a bug.


We've had sex plenty of times when I wasn't fertile in the last 12 cycles of TTC. But now ... i don't know, it just feels different.


I wonder if 2 pills is enough for me to start feeling side effects. I'd love for my low libido and depression for the last 36 hours to simply be a side effect of the pill, and not really in my head.

But I doubt it.

I need something to snap me out of this.

Ladies?


How long does it take for sperm

to reach the egg? A few weeks ago I read this amazing article that was posted on my favorite board that it explains how it takes sperm about 3-4 days for implantation. Click HERE for a great visual Slide show that explains this procedure.

After reading this article I think that it really does not matter if you BD on your o date or worry that you missed your O date. As long as you BD a few days before so that your DH's little guys can live in there until your egg is released.


This week has been a pretty good week... For the first time ever I had a + OPK (From OPK from Amazon.com) and I think/hope we had good timing.

Here is my chart (it is also linked under my profile on the right hand side):




This month I started to have really sharp cramps on Sunday night until Monday, something that I've never had before. Not like period cramps, but a cramp that felt as if my lower stomach was being stretched. Odd.

Update... We have began on our Master bedroom makeover!!!! I'm so excited, I cant wait to revile it to you guys.


Here is a before pic (right when we were able to move into our home):




And here is one of my Inspiration picture:


Credit

Now comes the longest 2 weeks until I can POAS...

October 20, 2009

Ok...now I'm worried!


See this color? I HATE this color! Why? because for the last 4 days (including today) I have experienced some brown discharge. Some things I read says that this is an early sign of a miscarriage and others say that there is nothing to worry about. My doctor's appointment is still a week away! I'm very worried that all of this was just too easy for me. I'm worried I might be losing this baby...



Holding onto Faith by strings...
Mrs. BrainyBud


Update: Just heard back from the OB/GYN and they said for me to continue to monitor it but it sounds normal (even though that is still not going to calm my nerves) and my 1st appt is in a week so hopefully all will still be well.

When she's right around the corner....


So this morning, I can't decide what's worse. Could it be the actual arrival of AF, or a temp drop so low that you know she's arriving any minute?

Three days ago my temperature starting dropping, just a little. I almost wanted to blame it on the colder weather. Two days ago, it dropped a little more, but was still well above my coverline. Today? It plummeted. I know the inevitable is around the corner, and to me, that is more disheartening than her arrival.

So, I suppose that any minute, or hour I'll be saying something to the effect of "onto cycle #4!". For anyone TTC, whether they be in cycle #1, or cycle #12, you know the feeling. For me it's a, stay home in pajamas and curl up on the couch with a good book feeling. It's a wanting every single comfort in the world because I'm just THAT sad feeling. It's so frustrating knowing that you did everything right and the outcome was so wrong. Mr. Snow Bud and I are such "fixers". If there is a problem, we fix it. With this, there is no fixing. There isn't a single thing we could have done more, different, or less. It is sad, and it is frustrating, and it is a situation in which you just have to buckle down and continue on, head down and forward. Much like making your way through a blizzard.

I really do commend those who have gone through this much longer than myself. I find strength in the fact that I'm not the only one. I am comforted when I read stories of women TTC much longer than myself, and finally receiving their longed for BFP.

As for myself? Today sounds like a good day to curl up in pajamas on the couch, with the dogs laying all over me, reading a good book.

Until next time,
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My two favorite couch buddies

Updates...

Hey everyone. I'm back - I needed to take a step back from everything & evaluate my options after my breakdown post last week. I wanted to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart to everyone for all the thoughts & prayers sent my way. It's just so disheartening that all of this is happening to me...to us. I know that many women have bigger problems on their hands TTC & I feel selfish, but I can't help but feel horribly for myself and my Mr. Worry Bud. Of course he is amazing & tells me that everything will be okay, I just need to be patient. :o) But, I guess it's the fact that I never ever thought I would encounter any road blocks in my TTC journey (who does?), so it was hard for me to accept that something not right is going on & it was all weighing heavy on my heart.

I am so fortunate to have a coworker who can relate to my situation - she is encountering some difficulty TTC, so she and I talk a lot about everything we both have going on. She gave me a referral to her RE to start getting tested & *hopefully* find out what's going on. She (like many other women on my favorite message board) said that she thinks I should just go straight to an RE since they specialize in fertility & they can most likely provide the best help. IDK why, but I have this fear that the Dr. & I will sit down to talk and he will be like you have been trying how long? Uhhh, why are you wasting my time? Then bust out laughing at me for being a crazy baby-obsessed woman (Or something along those lines)!


I know, I have absolutely NO reason to even think like that, but for some reason...I do. So after thinking long & hard about everything going on, I decided to take that step & call the RE. I am hoping this new Dr. will help me to figure out what's going on & get me pregnant ASAP! I can't wait to bring a little miracle into this world...and make my husband the happiest man in the world (again!). My appointment is coming up here quickly on November 3rd & I am both excited & scared at the same time. But, Mr. WB will be there with me & I know know he will help me to remain somewhat calm.

In other news, I was talking to my older sister yesterday (she's older by like 2.5 years) & she said she & her husband are about to start trying for baby #2. I hate feeling like this, but I am SUPER jealous...I wanted to be the next to get pregnant & I still may be, but still...hmph! I mean, don't get me wrong - I love my sister & I love my nephew & it'll be great to have another little niece or nephew, but I wanted to be the next one - you know what I mean? My nephew was an accident - in fact, she wasn't even married to her now husband at the time, so she said as soon as she gets off BCPs she will probably get KU again. Which means, we may be pregnant at the same time if all goes well with my RE! In a way that would be cool, but I also wanted to be the PG one! It would be my 1st though, so I have some satisfaction in that fact, lol. I'm literally LOL'ing as I type this b/c I sound sooo ridiculous saying all of this. Really, I'll be happy for my sister, just a little sad if she is pregnant AGAIN before we even get pregnant for the first time!

That's all I got for now - I am on CD6...still spotting from AF's appearance last week. I took a break from temping during her visit to see if I was less stressed not doing it & it honestly makes no difference. I don't think it's charting that stresses me out - it's the fact that my LPs have consistently been alarmingly short for the past 4 months & nothing I do is helping that is stressing me out. I also added in vitex this cycle, but I hear it sometimes takes several cycles for it to kick in so we shall see how that goes.
 

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