Disgusted

When I started blogging over a year ago, I was in a very different place. I have talked plenty about the frustration of going from a place where we were ready to start TTC over a year ago, to employment situations changing, to now being in limbo and on hold. What I haven't talked about is the reason I have the screen name that I do; Fitness. Way back when, when TTC seemed like it was just around the corner, I was focused on fitness. I was working out regularly, I was eating well, and though I wanted to lose a few pounds, I wasn't overly concerned about where I was at.

My how times have changed. I don't know if the stress did it, or the disappointment, or the setback from being involved in a car accident. It could have been campaign season that did me in, or really just my own sheer stupidity. Either way, I am now 20 pounds heavier than I was, and I feel absolutely disgusted with myself. My clothes don't fit, and things that used to look good on me now look far too snug.

Mr. Fitness Bud has always been my biggest fan. Even as I started gaining weight, he never stopped telling me I was beautiful, but I definitely stopped believing him. This is not a fun place to be in. I hate watching the numbers on the scale climb, yet I know that it is completely my fault. I may not be able to control my employment situation right now, but I CAN control my weight, and the time for that is now.

This was me on my wedding day. This was me when I was at a weight that I was comfortable with. I felt attractive. I felt comfortable in my own skin. I wasn't at my lowest weight, but I was at my "perfect" weight. I just felt good.

I don't feel good anymore. Which is maybe why I don't have any recent pictures.....I don't want to be in them!

This is the first time I have said this "out loud". I felt that with everything going on, that my weight was the least of my worries. But I need to get back to feeling good about myself. I need my confidence back.

So, it starts today. I am going public with these stupid weight struggles. I want to lose the weight BEFORE I get pregnant, so that I don't have an additional 20 pounds to lose AFTER. And I need accountability, so I am trying this again.

I know this is a sensitive subject for a lot of people. I know that I am not severely overweight. I also know each of us have different body types, and different sizes at which we feel comfortable. I am not saying that one way is better than another. I am only speaking for myself and how I feel comfortable in my own skin. And I am asking for help and support so that I can get there.

Thank you all so much. Today is a new day. And hopefully it will be a better one.

4 weeks, 6 days

The past six days (since my +HPT) have flown by. Mr. Magnolia Bud and I are thrilled, and we're starting to believe it's real. I wanted to share my observations from the past week with you all.

1. Bloat only gets worse! I had to use the hairband trick last weekend to get into my jeans--but once I had it fastened, boy were they comfy! [A note: I went out and bought two BeBands last night, just in case I need them sooner than I hope to--white and black.]

2. I've read a lot of newly-pregnant women on the Bump say that they're hungry all the time. I'm not. I was a pretty clean eater before, and I've cut out all the junk now (well, except the snickerdoodles Mr. MB made me last week!). I'm finding that it's hard to get all the protein I'm supposed to be eating, along with all the fruits & veggies. I don't have food aversions, unless I can count just not wanting to eat much. I actually made a little chart that I keep with me so I can check off my food groups. I really just want to do everything for this embryo in my power to help it stick around.

3. Every time I use the restroom, I still check the TP for spotting. I never knew it was possible to worry so much about someone so teeny. Seriously. Size of a poppy seed.

4. One of my coworkers asked me flat out yesterday if I were pregnant (he does this from time to time--he was making a joke about doulas). I'm feeling pretty good about my lawyering skills since I was able to turn the question around on him and get him talking about pet parenting instead.

5. Mr. Magnolia Bud has been incredibly excited and supportive this entire journey, and he told me something last weekend that made me even more excited about this pregnancy and going through this journey with him--he had been following my chart, and every day would ask how my temp was that morning. The day I got my BFP, I told him that my temp went down (it did a little), and he was just like "oh, ok." After I got my BFP, he told me that even though he was nonchalant, he was really sad about the temp dropping. He teared up a little when he told me that. I think he's a keeper!

Lots of love and baby dust!

-Magnolia Bud