Long Awaited Answers

I'm not sure I had ever been more excited to go to the doctor than I was today. Hold on, I take that back. Baby 1's 1st ultrasound was the most exciting moment of my life until I found out I had miscarried. But any who, I went to the endocrinologist today and met one of the most amazing doctors I have ever had the privilege of directly dealing with. After going over my recent blood work and all of my symptoms (which includes severe facial acne, facial hair (blonde, thank GOD), oily skin, irregular cycles, high testosterone levels, and infertility) she was able to diagnose me with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome)!!!

It might sound crazy but I could not be more excited to finally have someone confirm with me that there IS something wrong with me hormonally. In June of last year I had a dermatologist tell me that my acne was due to hormones. In August I had an acupuncturist tell me many of my symptoms were hormonal (excessive sweating and body heat) I wasn't sure how to approach my RE about this so it kind of just sat in the back of my mind. I certainly wasn't as educated about the reproductive system as I am now, otherwise I would of spoken up about it.

So, rather than Metformin, which is what most women seem to be treated with, my Endo chose to put me on the brand name GLUMETZA. Unlike immediate-release metformin, GLUMETZA is released slowly and steadily over several hours. This delay in the release of the medicine may result in fewer stomach-related side effects, such as nausea, in the 1st week of taking the medication. She wants to get me up to 2000mg a day, so here is my future dosing schedule:

Week 1: 500mg 1x day
Week 2: 1000 mg 1x day
Week 3: 1500 mg 1x day
Week 4: 2000 mg 1x day

She also advised she would like me to reduce my carbohydrate intake to less than 120g daily and my protein up to 60g daily (at least). She says that will boost my weight loss since I'm currently at a standstill after losing 20lbs.
**Also, She said that my initial weight gain is what actually brought the PCOS to the surface. Since I have been off of BC since April 2010, the weight gain triggered it. And even after losing the 20lbs it won't completely go away. It has actually made it worse for some strange reason. It gets worse each and every week.

SO, my other good news involves my 2 MTHFR gene mutations, which my Endo happened to know a lot about. For those who don't know what this is......it's a blood disease that deals with blood clotting and the inability for my body to metabolize Folic acid. She explained that the Folic acid that I currently have a prescription for (1mg 2x daily) is considered synthetic Folic acid. She wrote me a prescription for NEEVO DHA. This is a prenatal that also contains L-Methlyfolate, nature’s active form of folate as found in leafy green foods. L-methylfolate is superior to synthetic folic acid. Several months ago one of the BB Blog readers commented on my post about this so it has always been in my mind. And to my surprise today my Endo mentioned this so I became pretty excited. This will be taken in place of my existing Pre-Natal 1x daily. On a side note, she did tell me that these mutations were most likely the cause of my 3 miscarriages (not the 1 tubal though). No one has yet to tell me that (not even my RE) so it was such an amazing feeling to hear that news. Nearly 2 years I have been waiting to hear that.

If you also unfortunate enough to have 2 mutuations of the MTHFR gene and would like additional information, here is the brands website:
http://www.neevodha.com/

Well, that is all I have for now, I will be very surprised if many make it through reading this entire posting. If you do, I much appreciate it :) So I end this cold rainy day with hope in my heart. Sad songs didn't sound so sad today, and my optimism is at the highest it has been in a very very long time. Please keep me in your prayers that I will soon get my baby back. I know he is up there waiting for me to bring him back down :) Let's hope the 5th time's a charm!!

Is It Ovulation?

So I am going to switch back to gluten-free cause I just felt so much better on that. I lost about another 5 pounds since aunt flo left. So on that note I've felt this twinging of pain and it makes me wonder if I'm ovulating? That would be awesome if that is what the pain was :) but of course with that comes the creeping fears of miscarriage.

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What is more frustrating is I thought I was beyond that... thought I was okay and ready for this. Don't get me wrong I am, but those fears are creeping back in about will I make it past those 6 weeks and if I do will my anxiety fears calm down? Will I not feel peace until I hold the bundle of joy in my arms. UGH!

All these thoughts have been getting me down the last few days... which I don't want. So I had a long talk with God and I just have to put it in his hands. I have to put complete trust that he will take care of me and the miracle my heart so desires... and know it will be okay if I get pregnant this cycle.

I can't help [despite the fears of miscarriage & thinking I wanted to wait two more cycles] hope that I will get pregnant this cycle. And as the days near the end of this cycle I am hoping I get a BFP. I don't think that hope really ever leaves when TTC... even though I say next time I won't get my hopes up or set them to high, but I do anyways... every time without fail.

So as I wait out these last weeks I will wait and see if my next cycle starts or just maybe [hoping] I get a BFP.

And The Wait Continues

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Now I am officially another 48 hours which if my Beta were continuing to increase at the rate they did the previous 48 hours I should be at a 16!! I know pretty crazy high numbers there but I might as well put my amazing math skills that I learned in College to good use while I wait and hang onto this small shred of hope. I was going to do a HPT this morning but then decided I should wait till tomorrow or Friday so they would be higher if indeed they are increasing. Tomorrow I should be at a 32 and Friday should be a 64 and Saturday would be 128 which would be where I was about on day 16's Beta level of last IVF cycle which was ectopic.

I have not renigged the mass text I sent out to everyone that this cycle did not work because in all reality it hasn't but I do feel a bit guilty with everyone being sad and I am hanging onto a little hope that I can send out that text saying, "Guess what one did stick and grow and we are expecting!!" I got a lovely bouquet of flowers and one of the most well stated sympathy note that was the perfect mix of sympathy and positiveness. If I had it at work I would tell you what it said but it is on my fridge at home. I think that is what I hate the most about telling people is having to accept all the sympathies and wanting to talk when all I want to do is forget about it make it go away. I am excellent at ignoring the elephant in the room!!

Anyways, lets move onto any symptoms I am having of a possible pregnancy, by boobs are a little bigger, there is still no spotting or bleeding, the twinges/cramping has subsided to almost nothing and I have little appetite. So who knows I am still taking all the meds and man has this mornings Progesterone shot been smarting all morning!! Maybe it is because I am still taking everything that AF hasn't arrived to make it all final.

I will let you all know if I am brave enough to test tomorrow morning or Friday or Saturday!!

Follow-up with OB/GYN

So after yesterdays tragedy (there really is no other way to put it in my eyes) I had a follow-up appointment with my Doctor. Mr. DBud accompanied me to the appointment for moral support, and so we can both get all the facts. She checked me out and saw that my cervix was perfectly closed up, and the bleeding wasn't too profuse. I actually haven't even passed much tissue, to tell you the truth - a bit TMI, but c'mon, it's a sit about TTC and birthin' babies for chrissake! ;) ;) ;)

Anyway, so we chatted a bit about what may have happened, etc. I mentioned

my first tests that I took the week before and how faint the results were, and we also discussed all the symptoms I felt leading up to the actual miscarriage. She predicted, based on my symptoms and tests, that one of 2 things may have occured... I may have had a Chemical Pregnancy or a Blighted Ovum. Either way, it was definitely a miscarriage, so I am officially going to fall under the "TTC after a Loss" category, and have to wait 4-6 weeks for everything to get cleaned up down there and for AF to show her ugly face before we can think of TTCing again. My Doc gave me a prescription for a pill that will help flush me out (I forgot the name of it right now, and already dropped off the prescription), but said I may not need to take the full 9-days. She also told me not to continue taking it if I felt that it was making me cramp too much and not too much blood was coming out. She also sent for some blood work to find out my blood type (yup, it has taken me 28 years to find that out...), so if I am RH Negative, I'll need to get the RhoGAM shot. But, the part that really sucks now is NO SEX for about 4 weeks... BLAH!!!! Me. not. happy. Mr. DBud. not. happy. either. It would've been nice if we could've "relieved some stress". Oh well...

I started wondering why this happened to us the way it did, and I can't help but wonder... being Catholic and having strong beliefs in God... did he do this because he wanted me to know that it IS possible for me to get pregnant, but that right now is not a good time? I mean, I have a big audition coming up i

n three weeks, so who knows? Maybe HE wants me to do that first... But one thing is for sure... having to wait until at least April to TTC again gives us time for things to happen, especially giving me time to see where my Opera career is headed (because of the big audition). I am glad to know I was able to conceive without much help, and hope that next time I have a sticky baby to take home in 9 months...

So, for now, I am not going anywhere. I will continue to post here and there, letting you know what's up. But I am sure my TTC Journey won't be very eventful until AF shows up, signaling a new cycle. In the meantime, tons of luck and baby dust to all my Buds and all the readers!!!!! I love you all, and am so glad you can all be part of this journey with us :)

Valentines Day & Cycle 3

My valentine’s day started out with getting up at 3am to send Mr. DB off to work on his day off. He has been trying to work as much OT as possible to save up for all these fertility treatments and our new home. Mr. DB then called me around noon to let me know they need him to stay and work more OT (guess all the hubby/wives are calling in today). Oh well, I am sure we can celebrate once he gets home around 8pm! I can’t wait to give him tons of hugs and kisses.

I also received a call from my RE setting up my Clomid check for 1:50pm. Gosh, don't you just love the transvaginal ultrasound to check your ovaries and uterus (total sarcasm). I hate every minute of the ultrasound. It is one of the most uncomfortable things I put myself through each month. I still get nervous every time I go in for the appointment. I worry I won’t be cleared for another round, but Happy Valentine’s Day to me, everything was perfect and I was cleared for another round. My RE decided to up the dose this time.

Starting tomorrow 100mg of Clomid (2 tablets daily for 5 days), Clomid Crazies here I come! Bring on those pills, hot flashes, mood swings, irritability, sore breasts, headaches and complete inner craziness!

I know all of the craziness will be worth it in the end! Nothing but high hopes that this is my cycle, this will be the one to give us our little miracle!

So for now I will keep hoping and wishing!

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Hope everyone had a wonderful time with their Valentine! We are all so lucky to have someone in our lives who care about us through all the ups and downs of IF. I know I am truly thankful for Mr. DB! He is my valentine, my rock, my strength, my true love and my best friend!
Happy Valentines Day!!!

Wishin' and Hopin'

I know this is so out of left field, and is also completely premature... but according to Fertility Friend, if I did, in fact, conceive this cycle, our little one would be due July 2, 2011... How awesome would that be? Here's hoping :)

Gotta love FF... that site is FANTASTIC! I highly recommend it :)

Can't get pregnant, can't get unpregnant

I don’t want to spend too much time talking about the D&E itself. I will say that if you take away the heartbreak, the procedure is fairly simple and painless. We hadn’t told anyone about the pregnancy except my mom and my best friend, so we only had to break the bad news to two people. My mom had apparently told her friends, so she got to untell them as well.

My RE’s office needed to know if the defect was genetic in origin, so we had karyotyping done. Neural tube defects (NTDs) aren’t typically genetic, and ours was no exception (meaning it wasn’t the donor’s fault). I never did ask if the donor was allowed to cycle again. I did find out the sex of the baby, which I’ll refrain from sharing. (Mr. GB didn’t want to know.) I also received tiny footprints, which are tucked away safe for now.

(We don’t know what caused the defect. They say that NTDs can be prevented with folic acid. I’d been taking prenatal vitamins for years, but it wasn’t enough. At my request I was tested for MTHFR (a disorder that can cause difficulty in absorbing folic acid), and I don’t have that mutation. My homocysteine levels were also normal. I read NTDs are more common with IVF…I always wonder if the lengthy embryo transfer was the cause. I also read that hot tubs and saunas can cause NTDs, and I wonder if sunbathing was the cause, even though I sunbathed after the window for NTDs closed. It was probably just horrible bad luck. I’m taking 4 mg of folic acid now, just in case. I have a 1% chance of it happening again. I hope it doesn’t.)

As I was recovering from the D&E, I was more determined than ever to try again. In fact, I was filled with an odd sense of hope that’s really hard to explain. Maybe it was just a coping mechanism. I did have bouts of sadness and grief, but I was ready for AF to arrive and start a new donor cycle.

Except AF was nowhere to be seen, and my HPTs were still positive. And I was still bleeding, like for a month. Went back to the MFM’s office for an ultrasound but nothing looked suspicious. She gave me Cytotec/Misoprostol to try to flush out my uterus, but nothing happened. Mentioned the bleeding to my donor coordinator, who talked to my RE, who told me to come in for a hysteroscopy to look around. The camera showed that my uterus was filled with cobwebs (aka “products of conception”) and a second D&C was needed. My RE said I could get the procedure done at the RE’s surgical center, but we’d have to wait a month.

So we commenced waiting. Again. We’re talking 77 days between the first procedure and the second.

Surprise surprise, AF arrived 58 days after my D&E. I will spare you the details but let’s just say it was the worst period EVER. My RE still recommended the D&C, but the good news was that I got to go on the pill, which meant I’d finally have control of my cycle back and we were finally ready to start looking at donors again. YAY!

I had my second D&C on August 11, the same day we put down our donor deposit. In the next few days I’ll talk a bit about our selection process (my criteria changed dramatically), a slight setback, and where we are today. But for now, I’ve got to run upstairs for a Lupron shot!

To be continued…

Golden Bud

Thoughts for the New Year

To our Jewish readers and my fellow Buds, L'Shanah Tovah!

Today is the Jewish New Year, and I wanted to reflect on the past year and what my hopes for the New Year are.

Last year, Mr. Magnolia Bud and I were in a tough spot. I was working only part-time (at a firm where I was miserable), and he had just started his post-doctoral fellowship. I was also in school part-time for my master's, and had nothing but tough classes on my plate (I was studying for my LL.M. in tax. Every class was a bear!). We were renting a condo, and had just moved to North Carolina--away from many friends who had turned into family in the five years we lived near them. We decided our goal for the next year was to become stable, and work on both our marriage and ourselves so that we could have a clutter-free, chaos-free, financially- and emotionally- stable home.

Since we made that decision, we have made a lot of other smaller (but related) decisions that support our choices. We made a budget, beefed up our savings, bought a home in November, made friends in our community and our neighborhood, worked on our marriage (and our sex life), and we've individually been pursuing things that help us live a more peaceful/less chaotic life. For me, those things are finding a new job (which I did in January), finishing school, yoga, acupuncture (occasionally now that my acute issues have been fixed), running, and other hobbies.

Every day I'm thankful for the peace that I have found in my life.

This coming year, I hope that we will be able to continue working on our home, our faith/religious observance, and am looking forward starting our own family. I hope that Mr. Magnolia Bud will find a job that he loves (his fellowship is coming to a close over the next 6 months+, so he's started looking). I also hope that all of you, whether TTC or TTA, are blessed with the families you hope and pray for.

Wishing you a sweet new year,

Magnolia Bud

And The Verdict Is.....

I cried at work today.

This is a big no-no in SB land. I work at a very fast paced, stressful job (and oddly enough I LOVE it!) and I have convinced myself that showing any emotion at work will label me as weak, and I will be preyed upon by upper management.

After having lunch with a few co-workers and I looked down at my phone and saw a missed call from my RE's office. I knew this could only mean one thing.....our karyotype results were in.

Commence freak out.

I tried to reason with myself and thought that I would just listen to the message when I left work. That thought lasted for a wopping 2 minutes when all I could do was just stare at my computer screen. I went into the hallway and dialed my voice mail, leaning up against the wall preparing for the worst.

The message was from one of the nurses who simply said to "call her back."

Commence anxiety shit show.

I walked outside and sat down on one of the benches by our pond. I figured that I would have to be sitting down when I heard the bad news. I mean really, if it was good news she would have left a message saying so, right? RIGHT?!

My hands were shaking and my voice was trembling when I asked to speak to the nurse. And when she said "Hi SB, how are you?", I heard doubt in her voice.

Or so I thought.

As it turns out, our chromosomes are totally normal. No balanced translocation, no weird genetics, just perfect chromosomes for baby making. And in that moment, the weight of the world was taken off of my shoulders.

I returned to my desk still shaking, and while staring at my computer screen (I really do work at work - promise) I started to cry. I cried tears of joy for the first time in almost 2 years. Having a happy, healthy pregnancy finally seemed attainable to me, and that feeling absolutely consumed me.

I was told to call the RE's office the first day of Aunt Flo, but I told them no thanks. I'm still on my break. My mind and body need time to heal, because the past 2 years have been hard on both of them.

What I didn't tell them was I was going to seek out a second opinion. Right now I'm on the search for a new RE to see what insight they can offer me. I have made a decision to not stop until I get answers or a healthy baby.

There still is a long road ahead for us, but for once, I feel there is hope.

Phantom Symptoms?

So the main reason why I am in so much HATE with the 2WW is mostly because of the phantom symptoms (?) I have. Most of the symptoms I am having right now point to me being pregnant, but because of the Clomid, I am not sure what to think. Are my natural hormones causing this, or is it just my medication?

Bubbies (oh how I love thee, Real Housewives of NJ) the size of beach balls? Check! Cravings for things I have never liked in my life such as cappuccino (the foam reminds me of cat vom)? Check! Headaches in the morning? Check! Feeling as though I'm the size of Shamu, the whale? Check yet again.

Seriously? I'm confused.

I used an OPK for about 5 days and it didn't show a surge (Clear Blue Smileys are FANTABULOUS), but I read that if you have PCOS, it may not be accurate. So, back to the drawing board and the waiting game, which for the most impatient person in the world is kind of a problem.

I should be hearing from my doctor's office sometime this week to see if my blood test showed that I ovulated, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to control myself from being "that patient" that calls the office every day asking for an update. If this cycle doesn't work out, I'm really going to push for the Provera since it seemed to snap my body back into cycle previously.

So now I sit and wait, and hope for those two pink lines to make an appearance yet again.

Monitoring Update #92347596: I'm SO not getting cancelled

I knew IVF was going to be a roller coaster of experiences and emotions - but I wasn't prepared for the extremes of it all.

Two days ago, i walked out of the RE's office crying hysterically - trying to prepare myself for the possibility of this cycle being canceled. Follicles not responding. Lining steady at 8mm.

But it was only day 9 - and what did i know about how long this might take. They expected me to respond immediately, since I don't have a diagnosis other than MFI. (I still think they oversuppressed me with the BCPs and Lupron - but that's another post.)

All i know is - i haven't left the RE's office smiling in a long time. It feels like years.

It was today.
My lining is up to 14mm in the trilaminar pattern (the three layers needed for implantation)! I still have 6 growing follicles - my two lead ARE MATURE(!!!) at 19mm and 18mm. (There's also a 15mm, 2 @ 14mm and 1 at 13mm, along with 6 labeled "small".)

All i know is the lining would NOT be growing if there wasn't abundant estrogen and i am SO not being canceled!!!!

Keep the juju coming, girls... it's working.

Finally getting somewhere!

Alright. So I had a mini-meltdown yesterday.

I don't know if it's because everyone and their mom seems to be pregnant around me, or if I keep getting the "So, are you pregnant yet?" questions, or if it's simply for the fact that I have baby rabies.

I finally cracked to Mr. Snow Bud, and told him that we are taking all the right steps financially, we are doing great, much better than we expected. We are saving, we are financially stable, we are OKAY. We talk about getting pregnant daily, babies are a daily passing conversation. I'm ready. I've been ready. Nothing has changed for me, I want a baby.

Of course, I said this all through tears and was a big sniffling mess. I received the hugs, and he even tried to cheer me up by offering to go get chinese food and watch girl movies all night. He didn't say much otherwise.

.... Until this morning. He said that he stayed up last night thinking about what I had said, and this morning thought about it, and decided that he may be able to get on board with a St. Patrick's day continuation of TTC date. He said that at that point, we will be able to see if we are still in fact on track, doing well, and gives us both a date to look forward to.

YAY!!

Let's hope this isn't how our St. Patty's goes this year...

Until next time,

I can imagine only one feeling better....

...than the feeling I have right now: seeing a positive pregnancy test.

For the first time in 5 days, I didn't wake up crying, I don't have hives on my face, and i don't have chest pain.

For the first time in 5 days, I have hope.

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It turns out I was wrong about the amount of sperm we have. We have even less than I thought.

We don't have 1.8 total motile after wash. We have 1.8 total motile BEFORE wash. Which means after wash we would have bupkis and it is now totally irrelevant.

Because our fabulous RE got our insurance company to approve our IVF cycle.

35-ish days and counting until egg retrieval (ER).

Our first medication teaching will be next week. Our second will be the week after that. And maybe, JUST maybe, we'll be pregnant by new years.

Where did this hope come from?

My RE Consultation

We went in for our RE Consult on Tuesday. Yes - I realize today is Thursday & that I shouldn't keep everyone in such suspense, but sorry - I got busy! But, before I tell you about the actual visit, let me set the scene: So a little over an hour before I was supposed to be at the RE's office, I was meeting my mom at the Dept. of Motor Vehicles (DMV) to switch my old car from my name to her name (giving it to my little sister who is a minor) & to surrender my plates since I just bought a new car. So, after we wait in line & get up to the counter of the DMV, the lady says we need a notarized statement saying that I am giving the car as a gift to my little sister to avoid paying sales tax. I told my mom that I just wanted to get this done with & get the car out of my name so that I didn't have to insure it anymore. I also didn't know I had to surrender my plates - I thought I could just transfer them over to my mom's name, but NOOOOO the Virginia DMV is difficult & makes you actually surrender the old plates & the new owner needs to get new ones! Can you say a 'effing.waste.of.my.time?! Since I was oh so ready to be done with this whole shenanigan, I told my mom that we would run over to her house & get the plates off the car, then run to the bank for the notarized statement & then run back over to the DMV to finish switching the title over to her name. Well, by the time all that was done, it was 2:00 PM & I was supposed to be at the RE's office by 2:10 PM since it was my first appt.

Well, on my way speeding home to pick up Mr. Worry Bud, I remembered that I had not printed out my charts, so I had to call Mr. WB & walk him through how to print out charts in Fertility Friend, lol. When I got home, we grabbed the charts, paperwork, medical records, etc. & ran out the door. It was 2:08 PM by that time & I live about 10 minutes from the RE's office. Needless to say, we were late - we arrived at like 2:21 PM & then I realized I hadn't filled in our insurance information on the front of the registration form. And I also neglected to fill out another form, so I was still filling those out when we got in the office! Ugh...crazy day!

Finally, after all that craziness & after I got weighed & they took my height, the doctor comes out & calls my name. We shook hands & then walked back to his office. He basically reviewed our paperwork & asked follow-up questions about our medical & family history. Then he went on to explain the whole reproductive process & we discussed my concerns. He agreed with me that my LP is "a little on the short side" (his words, not mine - I personally think it is A LOT on the short side). He explained all the testing we need to get done - regular b/w, CD testing & an HSG for me plus an SA for Mr. WB. He also suggested some genetic testing to test to see if we are carriers of cystic fibrosis &/or tay sachs - we still haven't decided if we would do this or not. I asked about testing my progesterone levels & he said that he certainly could, but that regardless of the levels his initial approach to treatment would be the same. He told me that because of my health & age, he thinks that I have an excellent chance of conceiving without invasive procedures. He told me that he believes that I am ovulating, but just late & possibly weak, but he thinks that a low does of fertility medication (ie, Clomid) will help correct my problem. Chef Bud also suggested that I push to get some progesterone supplements along with the Clomid, so that is something I am absolutely going to be bringing up with the Dr. as well.

After we left the office, I really felt like Mr. WB was apprehensive about all the testing & possible cost of everything. We were unable to speak with a financial counselor at the consultation because the lady was out of the office, so they are supposed to be having someone from another office call me this week to discuss costs. I have actually done a bit of research on my insurance & it appears that they cover 85% of testing and treatment, but 0% of Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) - ie, IUI, IVF, etc. The good thing about working for the federal government though is that we have 50+ health care plans to choose from - all with different levels of coverage for certain conditions/Dxs, co-pays & deductibles. And also, the government has negotiated with the available insurance carriers so that there is absolutely NO EXCLUSIONS for pre-existing conditions. So, I think for now, I plan to stick with my current insurance company & make a decision about switching at a later time if we need to.

Tough Decisions:

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So, like I was saying, Mr. WB seemed very apprehensive, which made me feel like he thought I was overreacting or jumping the gun on all of this. He told me that he is just confused because he doesn't know too much about all of this stuff & he does think I am just worrying a bit too much (go figure - once again, hence my name) & a bit too early. I told him that this is how I see it: I would rather do the testing now & find out that nothing is wrong, than wait to do the testing & find out something is wrong a year from now. After a serious discussion, he agreed with me & is okay with moving forward...but still wants to know how much everything will cost out of pocket. If I do not hear from a financial counselor by the end of the day, the nurse told me to call & ask to speak with someone at the end of the week, so hopefully we will get some definitive answers on that front soon.

At this point, I am being optimistic & trying not to stress too much about the whole thing. I hope Dr. G will help us quickly correct my LP issue & we get our BFP very very soon! Oh & 1 more thing - check out my chart (link under "The Beautiful Buds" section over there --> on the right hand column of the blog), today I got CH's on CD 20 & this morning's temp jump was crazy - I don't think my temps have EVER been that high post O. I am not getting to excited about it, it's just odd & worth mentioning. I was just telling Obsessive Bud today, what if my LP does fix itself & I get pg on my own?! How exciting would THAT be?!

Trying to stay calm through the wait

Last week I thought I was half way through the dreaded 2WW, but then the evil FF decided to change my ovulation date by four days, so NOW, "I think", I am half way through this waiting game. I've been trying really hard not to over think every "symptom" or "feeling" but I'm only human. I just wish my symptoms were the same every month so that I will stop getting my hopes up. Last cycle I had extremely sensitive nipples (which was new for me) so I started thinking "maybe it's a pregnancy sign." This week my whole boobs have been sore every morning, so now I'm thinking "maybe it's an early pregnancy sign." Despite these "symptoms" and the change in O date, I feel surprisingly calm this cycle. The only thing I can contribute this new calmness to is my faith. I've been spending more time in prayer and with people who are praying for us. I take comfort in knowing that God already knows our Little Hopeful Bud's name, birthdate and everything about him or her. It is not for me to know when we will be blessed with this miracle. I can only wait and prepare my body, heart, and head for this blessing.

Along these same lines, this week Mr. Hopeful Bud came into the house and said, "I think we should go on a mission trip. We are so blessed and I really think this is something that we should do to give back." I went to Honduras a couple years ago on a mission trip and I can whole-heartily say that it was a life-changing experience in more then one way. I would love for Mr. Hopeful Bud and I to share in a similar experience. So I think part of my calmness also comes from the idea that maybe we are meant to take this trip before we get our BFP because once we do it wouldn't be safe for me to go to a third-world country.

I say all this today with a calmness in my heart. Tomorrow or months from now I could have a completely different tone. We have been TTC for nine months and I am still hopeful that it will happen in God's timing.

Wishing on a dandelion.....

Could it be? Is there an end to this infertility nightmare in sight? Are my ducks quacking into a row? Could the stars possibly be aligned?

Was I just given good news?

I don't even know how that's possible. Good news doesn't come to us. The tide doesn't turn, the luck is not usually in my favor. Deuce after deuce, when I'm holding king-queen.

But today.... I feel like I pulled the nuts on the river. (Apologies for the poker analogies.)

After being told by my gastroenterologist this morning that he wasn't sure if he could recommend my getting pregnant, my RE called me to tell me that the GI doc had given me his blessing (i made one hell of an argument... guess I did good). All i need now is a letter from the breast surgeon clearing me (which she already verbally has). Then the financial guru of the RE's office called to help us figure out some financial mumbo jumbo. Then the IVF nurse (my new angel) called to give me some dates and advice and bada bing bada boom.....

...I'm on the IVF cycling schedule for a December retrieval.

It's really going to happen.

Is it possible? This emotion I'm feeling... is it...

So ladies - wish me luck. Wish me hope. Wish me baby dust and sticky embryos. Wish on a dandelion with me... and watch that little puff ball of dreams carry this one away...

Here's to getting knocked up for the new year....