Today is the last day...

Of birth control pills!!! YAY!!!!

I'm trying this whole "be positive" thing. So I expect to be posting my bfp in a few weeks, okay?

If my cyst shrunk from 4cm to 2cm in 2 weeks, it should shrink small enough to move forward with injections in a week and a half, right!?

So here's hoping that AF starts soon!!! I'll be pulling out all of the white underwear and pants that I own to trick the wench into showing her ugly face.

It's been a nice break, although unwanted. But I'm ready to get back in the game, coach. I've got 2 cartridges of Follistim and an HCG shot in the fridge just itching to be used! I've never been so excited to get a shot in my life. Crazy the twists that life takes...

getting back to business is hard

I am emerging to the reality of what lies ahead from the bliss of vacation: no charting, no waiting rooms, no monitoring appointments, and no needles. I knew the chances of us being successful on a natural cycle like this were slim, but a small part of me was hoping against hope that some time away with minimum stressors was just what we needed and that this would be our lucky cycle. I thought it would have been awesome if we conceived a baby on the eve of the Jewish New Year.

I got really excited when I got a positive OPK on CD 13. Based on OPKs and CM, it seems like I O'ed on CD 15, which is the earliest it has happened in a while, so I liked to believe maybe the stars were finally aligning. Today I think I am 11 DPO. Like an idiot, I decided to just see what my temp is like (already on the low side) and take an FRER (BFN). In addition, my face is already breaking out.

Yesterday was Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement on the Jewish calendar. In the liturgy, there is a fair mention of childlessness. It is right up there with spiritual excision and the death penalty in terms of punishments warranted for certain types of sins. I am a religous person but I am not so black-and-white in my religious interpretation of things. Yet, reading those lines made me feel so sad and angry. What did Mr. Blueberry Bud and I do wrong to not deserve children? I know that is a very simplistic way of looking at it, and it is not generally how I feel, but at my most vulnerable on Yom Kippur I couldn't help but repeatedly mull this question over in my head.

Anyway, this cycle I loved so much not worrying about the constant appointments and not always knowing and worrying about exactly where I am in a cycle, if we will time the IUI perfectly, etc. With AF looming, it is now time to make the arrangments for our upcoming Clomid IUI cycle. It makes me cringe, but I know I have to suck it up and jump back into the game. I pointed out to DH that if we were to conceive this upcoming cycle, the EDD would likely be the same week he hopes to start a fellowship. He responded that we should only be so lucky to deal with that obstacle. Of course he is absolutely right.

New Beginnings for a New Year

I know it has been a while! Our first IUI cycle ended in AF, which had already become obvious last time I posted with my temp landslide. A couple days later, we were off to North America for Mr. Blueberry Bud to attend a conference and to spend quality time with both of our families. The last few months have been pretty stressful for me between TTC difficulties and work/grad school-related woes, so the change of scenery has been refreshing and it is always great to see our families, since we live half-way across the globe.

On the TTC front, we are on a break from treatment this cycle as we take a break from our normal lives. My gosh, it is so liberating! No more ultrasounds, bloodwork, fretting, acupuncture appointments, waiting rooms, etc for one whole month. I've also ditched the thermometer (not waking up to temp every morning has helped to free my mind from the constant reminder of TTC and our lack of success). The past two cycles I was reticent to give up the BBT even though I was being monitored by ultrasound despite pleas from DH and the nurse at the fertility clinic, so this is a huge step for me in giving up a little bit of my obsessive need for control. I am just happily plodding along keeping track of CM and using OPKs.

Psychologically it is still difficult -- on one hand I have very limited expectations for this cycle since we aren't doing any treatment and those low expectations are actually liberating; on the other hand, I am secretly praying for a Rosh Hashana miracle this week. I am pretty sure I will actually O at a normal time this cycle and not so late like last cycle because I have lots of fertile CM that began yesterday at CD12.

One thing that has been really awesome about this break is that I have taken it as an opportunity to get back into my running groove. Since getting married I have really "let myself go" as they say:) Not in terms of weight, but in terms of sitting on my freaking butt and vegetating. I have tried to get back into running several times since TTC, but getting truly back in shape involves some pain, pain and stress on my body that I felt could interfere with our TTC efforts. I decided that since this was our "off" cycle I would use it as an opportunity to push myself and get back into shape, with the goal of maintaining it but not necessarily pushing myself too much further when we go back to IUIs. I am so glad that I did--not only do I feel better, but the running has truly lifted my spirit. I am still feeling down about work/grad school related stress, but I am generally feeling more optimistic about things in general.

As Rosh Hashana , the Jewish New Year, approaches, I wish a year of many sweet and new things for all of us -- may we be blessed with the things we have worked so hard for and long desired and also some happy surprises along the way! The image for this post is a pomegranate, called a reemon in Hebrew, because it symbolizes new beginnings for a the start of a new year, as well as health and yup, fertility:)