September 19, 2010

getting back to business is hard

I am emerging to the reality of what lies ahead from the bliss of vacation: no charting, no waiting rooms, no monitoring appointments, and no needles. I knew the chances of us being successful on a natural cycle like this were slim, but a small part of me was hoping against hope that some time away with minimum stressors was just what we needed and that this would be our lucky cycle. I thought it would have been awesome if we conceived a baby on the eve of the Jewish New Year.

I got really excited when I got a positive OPK on CD 13. Based on OPKs and CM, it seems like I O'ed on CD 15, which is the earliest it has happened in a while, so I liked to believe maybe the stars were finally aligning. Today I think I am 11 DPO. Like an idiot, I decided to just see what my temp is like (already on the low side) and take an FRER (BFN). In addition, my face is already breaking out.

Yesterday was Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement on the Jewish calendar. In the liturgy, there is a fair mention of childlessness. It is right up there with spiritual excision and the death penalty in terms of punishments warranted for certain types of sins. I am a religous person but I am not so black-and-white in my religious interpretation of things. Yet, reading those lines made me feel so sad and angry. What did Mr. Blueberry Bud and I do wrong to not deserve children? I know that is a very simplistic way of looking at it, and it is not generally how I feel, but at my most vulnerable on Yom Kippur I couldn't help but repeatedly mull this question over in my head.

Anyway, this cycle I loved so much not worrying about the constant appointments and not always knowing and worrying about exactly where I am in a cycle, if we will time the IUI perfectly, etc. With AF looming, it is now time to make the arrangments for our upcoming Clomid IUI cycle. It makes me cringe, but I know I have to suck it up and jump back into the game. I pointed out to DH that if we were to conceive this upcoming cycle, the EDD would likely be the same week he hopes to start a fellowship. He responded that we should only be so lucky to deal with that obstacle. Of course he is absolutely right.



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