Tufts you suck!

Last time I posted, I was anxiously counting down the days until AF shows up. Now I am begging and pleading for AF to be a week or more late. Why? Because my insurance denied our claim for IVF. They say I need to do three FSH + IUI cycles first. After sobbing on the phone to my RE, he agrees that IVF is our best bet. He feels as though the IUIs have a very slim chance of working. Yesterday they resubmitted the request with notes from him this is best chance for us with the lowest possibilities of problems (like HOM). If they reject it again, then the office will just put in for the IUIs.

That being said, the chances of us actually being able to do anything this cycle are slim to none. I absolutely hate that we are being forced to wait and it is so messing up our plans. Mr. Plannerbud and I just booked a cruise mid-July. Have much thinking we decided to keep our trip booked, even though it means we won't be able to cycle that month. If we have to do the three IUIs, we want to do them back to back as much as we can, so May, June and August. We would then begin the IVF hopefully right afterward. Just the thought that it may be September before we can do something that actually can get us pregnant is heart wrenching. I really don't know how I'm going to handle to disappointment until then. It just seems way too long away.

Clomid Crazies

After my first cycle on 5 days of 50 mg of Clomid, I really couldn't understand what women meant when they talked about the Clomid crazies. However now I do. My emotions and mood swings have just begun to subside after taking my last pill on Sunday night. All I can say is poor Mr. PB. That man bore the brunt of the abuse. For example, Sunday night I was watching the Golden Globes, but wanted to go to bed with him. I full-on through a hissy fit about wanting to go bed and how he NEEDS to let me watch it in bed.

With the craziness also went deep into sadness. I have always been someone who cried fairly easily, but this last week was ridiculous. I think I have cried at every commercial about a family and most of the shows that I watched.

Add in the hot flashes...this weekend was a blast. I can't wait to go in for my monitoring on Friday morning. Hopefully we can do the IUI on Saturday and Sunday. I feel bad about missing all this work.

20 Questions? More like 200!

It seems like over the past few days for every one question I get answered, another six pop up. I have a feeling this is what the next few months will entail. AF officially came yesterday, which signified the start of our first IUI cycle. Both Mr. PB and I are incredibly excited that we can do something to help us get pregnant, but I am also incredibly nervous.

The minute AF arrived the questions started arriving. How do I get my Clomid prescription? What pharmacies carry it? What time of day should I take it? How will I react on it? After some confusion between myself and my RE's nurse about my clomid got cleared up, most of these questions were answered. However almost immediately a crop of new questions popped up. What happens if I forget to take it? What will happen on my ultrasound day? Since it will not be at my RE's office, will I get results right away? Will I have to wait until Monday for answers? When will I have to take my trigger shot? What happens if I need to come for another ultrasound, but I don't know since the ultrasound isn't with my RE? When will my IUI be scheduled?

I know I can call my RE's office and ask these questions, but I feel bad about calling all he time. I have called 3 different time since Monday and I still have yet to ask about Mr. PB's repeat S/A. I am sure I am not the only one, but I don't want to become annoying to them. I know I will need them for support throughout this problem. I hope these questions will be answered soon.

The road is now mapped out

Mr. PB and I just returned from our RE results appointment. Dr. A seems very optimistic due to our diagnosis and young age (I am 27, DH is 25). Dr. A believes that we have unexplained infertility, but he is having Mr. PB do a repeat S/A to rule out mild male factor infertility. The original S/A results bad; there was 20 mllion (or 25, I can't really remember) and 25% motility. It is the motility that makes him think it may be a mild MFI, but he says a lot of things may cause that, especially our 5 days of abstinence prior to the S/A. This time we will strategically plan to ensure that we can take full advantage of my upcoming O and get his S/A completed.

We have a plan! We are going to start with a Clomid cycle (50 mg) combined with a double IUI (insemination 2 days in a row). Mr. PB is a little nervous about all the side effects listed with this drug. While I am looking forward to the hot flashes, especially during these cold NE winters, he is fearing the hormonal mood swings that he knows are coming. Even without drugs, I can be very moody the first few days of my cycle. Mr. PB maybe contacting some of you looking for a crashpad that first week or so.

Overall, I am very excited to have a plan. We know that it can take another year or so, but at least we have a plan. I am just hoping we are a lucky couple that gets it the first shot. I am sure we won't, but that is why I am happy to have such a great support system, both online and in real life. I thank you ladies for everything you have given me over the past few months.

Be Careful What You Wish For

For the past few weeks, I had been feeling frustrated by having no real diagnosis. I had a few seemingly unrelated abnormalities like mild ovulatory dysfunction and fibroids and also the glaring fact that I cannot seem to be pregnant. The treatment plan outlined by my RE (3x clomid/IUI cycles, 3x injectibles/IUI cycles, then IVF if no success) was basically the generic plan for unexplained IF. I found it frustrating that without knowing what was going wrong, we were sort of taking a shot at the dark and hoping for the best and yeah, for a minute or two, I might have just wished I had an official diagnosis with a specific plan targeted to the problem.

Fast forward to this week when I went in for my final monitoring ultrasound before IUI. I had 8 medium to mature follicles. This was on the lowest dose of Clomid (50mg). "Sweet!!!" I thought to myself, "I responded swimmingly!" Um, the RE had quite a different take on my response to Clomid and my previously noted odd follicle maturation patterns.

In fact, what he said totally surprised me. He told me that he felt fairly confident that I have an atypical case of "lean" PCOS. He also told me that because I am low weight and likely not insulin-resistant (the most common form of the disease is insulin-resistant and affects primarily overweight women since excess fat tissue is what fuels the hormone imbalance), I would be more difficult to treat and more difficult to get pregnant than most PCOS patients.

Since only 2 of the 8 follicles were fully mature, he told me to trigger right away and do the IUI the next day (which was yesterday) in the hope that no other follicles would have the chance to mature further. I still have a risk of higher order multiples this cycle that I am honestly not totally comfortable with. My impression is that 8 follicles on an injectibles cycle is not crazy at all, but 8 follicles on the lowest dose of Clomid is quite unusual and bodes poorly for my ability to handle more aggressive hyperstimulation.

I suppose the larger underlying issue is this: I can't get pregnant on my own but yet with even the lowest dose of ovarian hyperstimulation I over-respond which places me at high risk for OHSS and HOM. No picnic here. If this cycle doesn't work, he said we need to re-think the old plan and go back to the drawing board.

Yesterday we did IUI #2. Unfortunately, our numbers were half of what they were last cycle (12.8 million/50% motility). I hope that I will get lucky this cycle, but not too lucky. Again, I have to be be careful what I wish for! I would love so much to be just 'medium lucky' with one healthy singleton. I am still trying to process all of this new information about my situation and to learn more.

Second Opinion

I had my first appointment with my new RE on Thursday. I think it would the understatement of the year to say that I felt overwhelmed. I spoke with both a younger doctor and the doctor I made the appointment with. They were very thorough and explained things to be very well. However, I still feel uncomfortable.



In all honesty, I don't think my apprehension has anything to do with doctors anymore - I think I'm just sick of dealing with this and sick of how it is consuming me. Oh, and I'm also sick of being a human pincushion. I believe I have been poked and prodded more this year than the Pillsbury Dough Boy himself.



However, unlike Poppin' Fresh, I don't enjoy it as much (and I don't giggle when it happens , its more along the lines of "I can't look at the blood you are about to draw because I will cover the walls of this place with vomit and then pass out.").



So without further adieu, here are the tests that will be run on Mr. SB and I - in list form because even though I'm not a Type A, I feel as though lists give me a handle on the chaos that is my infertility.



1. Seman Anaylsis
I questioned this one because hey, I'm able to get knocked up so why do we need this? They explained that sometimes an abnormal sperm will fertilize the egg and because of the abnormality, it will result in a miscarriage. They will take Mr. SB's sperm and do what they call a swim up (I laughed out loud at the name of this...Hi, I'm apparently 13). If some are abnormal, they will take the normal ones and do an IUI with me.

2. Glucose Intolerance Test
Because of my PCOS, they want to test my insulin levels beyond a simple blood test. Apparently my blood tests were on the higher side of normal (ummm did I mention that no one told me this?!), so they want to take it a step further. I'm excited because I get to drink that big sugar drink (I'm a sugar fanatic. Fun Dip is my BFF).

3. A round of antibiotics after my period
In case there in an infection, this will clear it up. Therefore, eliminating this possibility.

4. Estradiol, FSH and a Transvaginal Ultrasound on day 3 of my cycle.
Shockingly enough (please note sarcasm), my old OB did not test me for these on the correct day of my cycle, so they will need to be done again.

5. HSG
This was questioned as well because again, I'm able to get pregnant. The doctor told me that maybe only one tube would be open. I'm still wondering if I want to do this or not.

So this is where we go from here. During the appointment, it crossed my mind that hey, maybe this guy is preying on my infertility. So because I am never the one to sit out the sidelines (or shut my mouth), I called him out. Probably not the best thing to do since this will be the guy that will be poking me with needles, but I've never been the quiet, shrinking violet and I wasn't going to start now.

And what he said made sense. He said that I came to him to get answers, and he wants to test me for everything he thinks could possibly give me those answers. I accept this explanation.

So, if all comes back well, we start back on Clomid with Progesterone supplements and baby aspirin. This also satisfies me, as I have been pushing for the progesterone supplements with my old RE after M/C #3. Further down the line, if things still aren't working out, they will do IVF with hand-selecting the embryos.

I'm happy to have another plan of action, but still in the back of my mind I'm wondering if I am being taken advantage of. I'm opening the floor to your opinions. Let me know if you think this guy is being thorough, or just trying to get more money from my insurance company.

IUI #1=???

Since I left off last time, I was concerned that our first IUI might not happen this cycle. However, on CD 22 I got a positive OPK and on CD 23 I had a 18.5 mm follicle and an 11.5 mm lining, so it was finally go time! I was lucky to get my u/s done super quickly, but unfortunately the S/A component took MUCH longer than we anticipated because the sperm bank where they do the washing and preparation was really backed up. I was done with my u/s by 8:30 but unfortunately the goods weren't ready until a little after 12pm!

The IUI itself was super quick--a little painful but really not longer than 2 minutes. I was happy because the doctor I like ended up doing it, which definitely made me feel better about things. Unfortunately, I don't think I ovulated until the following day so the timing could have probably been a bit better, but I am so happy it was accomplished successfully and that I did eventually O, even if it wasn't until CD 24. I am trying to feel a little hopeful. While I am not a huge romantic, I never imagined that our first child would be conceived on an uncomfortable table in an exam room but if it works, I will be ecstatic. I feel so relieved to be free from ultrasounds and blood tests for the next 2 weeks.

Slow and steady wins the race?

Just a quick update to say I had another monitoring appointment today at CD 21 and I do have a 14 mm follicle in my left ovary, so I am inching towards some progress here! My next monitoring appointment is on Tuesday. I hope hope hope I will have made more progress by then and the IUI will be a go!

As the IUI keeps getting more delayed I have been becoming a bit of a basketcase. Today when I was waiting for my u/s, a husband and wife (also American) came into the clinic with their twin babies to show them off to the staff. It was her first visit back to to the clinic since she got pregnant apparently, and she started crying. I started to get a little weepy, too, and my feelings were so complicated in that moment. I was crying because I was happy for her, and perhaps projecting a little by sharing in the emotions of her moment, but I was also crying because I was wondering whether I would some day have the opportunity to go back to that clinic with my baby(ies) and Mr. Blueberry Bud.

When we first started TTC, getting pregnant and having a baby seemed so concrete, like this was something that was really going to happen to us and it was such an exhilarating and exciting feeling! As time passes, the idea of having a take-home baby, like the kind you can push into the fertility clinic in a stroller, seems more and more abstract. Some day soon, I hope.

Thoughts at the beginning of our first IUI cycle

One issue I have been struggling with lately as we enter our first IUI cycle is how to deal with missing work for fertility treatments. I recently posted on the Nest GP board about this asking for advice. It is really awkward for me to have to leave work for prolonged periods of time for frequent appointments, especially when the appointments seem spontaneous and unplanned given the unpredictable nature of fertility treatments.

On one hand, I think it sounds like BS to leave for vague, repeated, and unpredictable appointments on short notice. In addition, if it means I have to back out from giving a presentation or going to a conference at the last moment, I feel like it could really trigger concerns about my work ethic or even foster resentment (even if I say it is for a medical appointment, one might ask why I specifically needed to schedule an appointment on the day of something important!).

If I explain I am going for ongoing medical treatments and act vague about it, I don't want to concern people and let their imaginations run wild at what mystery medical problem I might be facing. On the other hand, I really feel like my and DH's effort to conceive is no one else's business and that it's a little TMI--I mean, perhaps they prefer not to know what is going on! Anyway, this is the ongoing monologue in my head that I am currently trying to sort through.

For Mr. Blueberry Bud, the problem is even greater since he has patients scheduled for surgeries months in advance and can't just jump ship and head for the fertility clinic located almost 1 hour from his hospital because his wife's follicle reached the perfect size:-/ We will somehow make this work because it is a priority and we have to make it work but these are some of the anxieties that I am facing right now. I know this must be a common issue for all couples undergoing fertility treatments and we will find our own style and way to navigate, but for now it sure feels like a lot of floundering.

In other news, I had a monitoring ultrasound today on CD 11. My lining was 7.5 but the u/s tech couldn't spot any dominant follicles yet. I hope this isn't a foreshadowing of things to come and that I will still O, albeit maybe a bit late this cycle. Last cycle, I already had a 16mm and 7mm follicle on CD 12 (of course the dominant follicle then started diddly-daddling and grew only 1mm over the next 3 days and I didn't O until 5 days later on CD17). I am trying to think positive thoughts--always hard when you are subconsciously preparing yourself for the next disappointment.

Lastly, I am going to make an appointment tomorrow with a senior RE who is supposed to be amazing. Since we have socialized medicine in Israel, fertility treatment is covered by the government-subsidized health basket (awesome!), but when you go to the fertility clinic you generally see a resident has just completed his rotation in IVF and he consults with a senior RE. If you actually want to deal directly with a senior RE, you need to pay OOP and see him privately. Mr. Blueberry Bud and I decided that at this point it is worth it, especially to get our many questions answered. So far I have seen two of the residents -- one who was really great and another who in addition to not seeming very good, didn't seem to care. If nothing else, I think it will make us at least feel better about the care we are receiving to speak with someone who is very experienced.

Diminshed Ovarian Reserve

Yikes. That's what we are possibly facing. It sounds so ominous.

My FSH came back at 10.2 which the nurse said indicates possible diminished ovarian reserve.

I didn't even cry this time when I got the news. I think I'm just numb to bad news now.

So.... we meet with the RE again in 2 weeks. Two days after my ultrasound to see if my cysts are gone. By then, he'll have all my other bloodwork back, including my AMH to see where we go from here.

The nurse was fairly certain a Clomid/IUI cycle was out. She's not certain about an injectable/IUI cycle but feels strongly that he's going to steer us towards IVF.

We can only afford ONE shot at IVF so we'll really need to sit down and discuss what are best chances are... with my shoddy eggs or with donor eggs.

Little Sunflower Bud was pretty clued in to how upset I was feeling and asked if she could cuddle with me. I jumped all over that because she rarely wants to cuddle now! Of course she then patted my tummy and told me it was getting bigger. Oh how I wish, baby girl.

Had our first appointment with the RE

I chose a practice that seemed tailor made for us. They have an office 5 minutes from where I work and also an office 10 minutes from where I live. Considering I work an hour away from where I live, I was pretty impressed with this! We are able to go back and forth between offices freely because both doctors in the practice visit both offices regularly. They are also open 7 days a week and have extended/late hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I was fully prepared to go in with my guns blazing demanding aggressive treatment. Dr. M was amazingly thorough and detailed. And, blessedly, aggressive. I didn't even need to lay out on the table what I wanted because it was what he immediately suggested.

We're going straight to IUI. We will do one cycle on 100mg of Clomid with IUI.

Photo Credit

Photo Credit

I'm nervous, excited and scared. This month will cost us a little over $2,000. Insurance doesn't cover anything infertility related so we're on our own with the costs. I honestly can't believe we've reached the point where we are paying thousands of dollars to have a baby but we just so badly want to expand our family. We were able to afford to pay for this cycle outright but anything past this, we're going to need to investigate financial options. Our RE's office told us about a program called www.carecredit.com which is a line of credit specifically for health care costs.

So let's hope this cycle works! I'm terrified at how I will feel if it doesn't. I hate how jaded I've become because I already feel like I'm preparing myself for disappointment.

Not a Goodbye, but See You Later

I will be the first to admit that I haven't been around much. The past few weeks have been a bit crazy, both with TTC and just our lives in general. We've had two weddings, a shower and bachelorette party (that I planned and hosted), a bad car accident and having to buy a new car, crazy work schedules and trying to sell our house. Oh yeah, and IUI #2. Needless to say, I feel like we've been spinning in circles. And the trying to conceive part hasn't gone too well.

Photo Credit

In my last post, I talked about my injection class. I learned how to use the follistim pen, and was gearing up for my first injectable cycle. I will say now that the follistim injections were a piece of cake, and after the first couple of days I couldn't even feel the needle when I gave myself the shot. I ended up doing six days of shots, and at my final ultrasound I was told that I had five mature follicles. Yes, you read that correctly...FIVE mature follicles. The nurse said that my RE would cancel my IUI cycle if we had six follicles, but with five the choice was mine to continue or cancel. Mr. Chef Bud and I had many conversations about our options, and I talked to a close friend that has dealt with IF, and we decided to continue with the cycle. I didn't want to look back and have any regrets. I triggered, had a lining that was thicker than ever before (7.4), had 37 million sperm post wash with five follicles. Everything was lining up for a perfect cycle and a BFP...



Until AF arrived. I started my period 9 dpIUI, and honestly, I was devastated. If 37 million sperm and five follicles couldn't produce one baby, there had to be something else going on. I stayed home from work on Monday to get myself together and made an appointment with my RE for Tuesday to talk about what happened and what to do next.


She had no explanation for why it didn't work, which is what I expected with an unexplained diagnosis. What she did suggest is for us to move on to IVF. The way she explained it was that she would have more control with IVF, and would be able to look at other factors including egg quality and fertilization to see if those might be something that is affecting our ability to get pregnant. I understand the rationale behind moving to IVF, but I will be honest when I say that I was really scared. I just never thought I would be at this point, and it was really hard to deal with. Mr. CB had a really hard time with it, especially the financial aspect. He is the money man at our house, and thinking about the cost associated with IVF just blew his mind. We knew we definitely had some long converstions ahead of us.

Photo Credit

We ultimately decided that we needed to move forward in our journey to start a family, but we needed to be financially smart as well. Lucky for us, our clinic offers what is called a split donor cycle. Basically, we will be matched up with another couple who needs an egg donor. I will do an IVF cycle and donate half of my eggs to this couple, and in return I will have a reduced rate for my cycle. In my eyes, this is a win-win situation. Mr. CB and I are able to pay about half of what a standard IVF cycle costs (really important since we are 100% OOP) and we are also able to help another couple whose only shot at having their own child is with an egg donor. I feel very strongly about this since I have seen firsthand on my message board the heartache that women face when they are told that their own eggs are not good enough to create their baby.

Right now we have filled out the donor paperwork, I have talked to the coordinator and we are waiting for them to go over my chart and decide if we are accepted. Once we get the approval, we have to make sure we have all the preliminary testing done, and then we wait for a match. To be matched, a couple has to choose our profile as their donor. It is all anonymous, and I've been told it takes 2-3 months. Once a match has been made, we will do genetic and psychological testing and if all looks good, the recipient and I will go on BCP's to make sure our cycles coincide and then we are on our way. I am hopeful that we will be on our IVF journey sometime this summer. That thought is both exciting and scary.


I have decided that for the next couple of months I will take a break from the blog. We won't be doing much other than waiting to be accepted and then to be matched, and I think it's important for me to focus on other aspects of my life. I have pushed so many things to the back burner since I've been TTC, and now that I have a plan in place and know I have a break ahead of me, I think I should focus on some of those things that have fallen by the wayside. I hope that you will still be interested in my story when I return, and I promise that as soon as I have a match and my IVF cycle is underway (hopefully soon!) that I will be back to let you all know what the process is like. Thank you so much for all of your support and love as Mr. CB and I embark on this next part of our journey!

IUI #1 = BFN

I found out last week that our first IUI didn't work. It's been almost a week, and I think it's taken me that long to come to grips with my emotions and to start feeling like me again. I will be the first to admit that I was a wreck. When I first found out Thursday morning before work, I felt like someone was standing on my chest and I couldn't breathe. I spent Thursday in a depressed fog, and then Friday became a miserable brat. I was mean to Mr. CB and just felt so sorry for myself. We went to Orlando to see my best friends, and had dinner at a friend's house Saturday night. When the talk turned to babies (they all have little ones around a year old) I just couldn't take it. I left the table, cried in the corner of the kitchen and then felt like crap for making my friends feel like crap.

Photo Credit

I am still sorting through my roller coaster emotions, but I think I am getting a better handle on how to stay positive. I think I spent so many months being ok with what was happening and getting through the BFN's without a lot of melt downs, but now it's caught up to me. During the IUI cycle, I kept thinking it wasn't that big of a deal, it was JUST an IUI, that so many girls have been trying longer and are doing much more serious procedures like IVF and dealing with worse diagnosis, like MFI or PCOS. I have realized that I can't minimize what I am going through, and my struggles and emotions are just as valid as anyone else dealing with a different stage of IF.

Our original plan was to take a few months off if the IUI didn't work, but of course that has changed! When I realized the IUI didn't work, I decided that night that I wanted to move on to the injectable cycle right away. I called the doctor first thing Friday morning, and learned that I had to take an injectable class before I could even start. So February was out. Right now, I'm signed up for the class next Friday, and my nurse is working on getting my medicine list and doseages. We are all out of pocket for injectable meds, so we are expecting to spend $1500-$2000 on the meds I will need. I can't believe we are spending so much money for something that may not even result in a baby, but right now we're in this 100%, and will do what we need to in order to bring home our Baby CB.

Photo Credit

We've also looked into acupuncture. I read a post on an IF message board about a woman who saw an acupuncturist and had significant lining thickening, so I figure it's worth a try. We're hoping to get in next week for our first consult. I feel like even if we don't get specific results in regards to fertility, it will be something to help me relax and de-stress...which I definitely need right now!

Photo Credit

Feeling strangely calm this 2WW

I really thought I would be a mess right now, stressing and feeling anxious about our first IUI 2WW. But honestly I am feeling pretty good. I don't have any inclination one way or the other if the IUI worked or not, but I know that we are doing all that we can and if it doesn't happen this month we will figure out our new plan and move on. That is a pretty big deal for me to feel so calm!

Our IUI on Sunday was very uneventful. We were up really early to be at the RE's office at 7:30 for Mr. CB to do his thing. I had a sono that showed my lining went up to 7.05...not great, but better than it has been. Then came the waiting game. My appointment was for 9 am, but we didn't end up getting called back until about 10. I was surprised that it wasn't a doctor that did the procedure, but a nurse. She was very sweet, and talked us through the entire thing. She did have some problems getting the catheter in and had to use some kind of other tool but it found it's way eventually. I had a little bit of discomfort but nothing too bad. Mr. CB held my hand and when it was over and the nurse had left, he kissed my belly and we said a little prayer that this will be our month.

Photo Credit

On Monday, I had an appointment with a therapist to talk about all my emotions that I am feeling as I deal with infertility. I have an EAP program through work that is free, and since we are spending so much money on my treatments, I wanted to try to use it to save some money. They sent me a big list and I basically just had to pick someone out and hope for the best. They didn't have any providers that specialize in IF, so they gave me family counselors. I went in to the appointment hoping that she would help me deal with some of my crazy feelings, but when she told me to wear a rubber band and snap my wrist each time I thought about getting pregnant so I could "refocus" my thoughts, I knew this was going to be an unsuccessful visit!

Photo Credit

I am going to try to find a support group or counselor through my RE's office or some websites friends have shared. I know now that it's really important to find someone who has experience dealing with an IF patient.

IUI #1 is scheduled!

Our first IUI is scheduled for Sunday and I am feeling such a mix of emotions. I am excited, nervous, optimistic, scared and worried all at the same time. When we went in this morning for our ultrasound, they told me that my follicles looked great (I had three at 18, 15 and 14) and the my lining looked better but not great (6.5). I asked the nurse what she thought about us doing an IUI and she said it was up to us. We asked to talk to my doctor, and she is on maternity leave! So we just had to make the decision on our own. We talked to the financial person to get an exact price, and we decided to just go with it!

I am doing two more days of the estrogen patches in hopes that by Sunday my lining will get a bit thicker. We have to go in on Sunday at 7:30 am for Mr. CB to do his thing =) then the IUI is scheduled for 9 am. It seems like a pretty easy, painless process. It's amazing to me that when I first started this TTC journey, things like IUI's, RE's, trigger shots, etc. were foreign and scary, and now they are my everyday life.

I have been feeling the past few weeks that IF is taking over my life. Mr. CB has been very worried about me, and how down I've been. I know I need to not worry and not stress because I can't control any of this, but I haven't done a good job of staying happy and positive. I decided to call my insurance and get some information about seeing a therapist. I have an appointment scheduled for Monday and I hope that she can help me sort through all my feelings.

So we have a big weekend ahead for the Chef Buds...wish us luck!

Trying to stay positive

I am on CD 10, and I am having a hard time feeling positive this month. I know I need to do just that but it's so hard! I am finished with my femara for this month, and started my estrogen patches today. My midmonth follicle/lining check is on Thursday, and ever since we decided to do an IUI this month I just feel like there is so much more at stake. I just want everything to look good so we at least have the chance to try the IUI. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next three days, but while I wait I will have everything crossed and will be praying 24/7 that we get good news on Thursday!

The INS and OUTS of Infertility INSURANCE

With so many couples now getting married in their early to mid thirties the reality is that the baby-making does not start until after that. With only a 20% average chance of becoming pregnant each cycle and the fact that fertility naturally declines with age, it’s no surprise that many couples have difficulty conceiving.

Photography Credit

Since Mr. Blessed Bud and I decided to move onto IVF I had my CD3 Bloodwork last week and I am currently on BCP's for 3 weeks. Dr. B's office is submitting my IVF pre-certification paperwork to my insurance company and if all goes well, the stimming portion of our IVF cycIe will begin in February. I realize I am blessed enough to have Infertility Insurance and I am so thankful because the cost of paying OOP for IUI's or IVF can be daunting. I am fortunate enough to live in New York where there is a state mandate that requires all employers with more than 50 employees to offer health care that covers some type of fertility treatment.

Here is what my Insurance covers:

IUI's:
Unlimited until the age of 44

IVF: 3 Fresh Cycles/3 Frozen Cycles
Follicular puncture oocyte retrieval
Embryo transfer
GIFT/ZIFT
US guidance for aspiration of ova
Culture and fertilization
Culture and fertilization with co-culture of embryo
ICSI
Assisted hatching
Oocyte ID
Preparation of embryo for transfer
Preparation of embryo for transfer including thaw
Sperm ID from aspirate other than seminal fluid
Cryopreservation

Are You Covered?

Photography Credit

It's a great idea before undergoing any fertility treatments that you find what coverage you and/or your spouse have. If you are not covered you may be able to apply for a state grant for instance like the one we have in New York for couples and singles without Infertility Insurance or you may be interested in investing in an Infertility Insurance Policy.

Until Next Time,

Accepting the label

I've been seeing an RE since September. I'm on cycle 11. Not one of my medicated cycles has produced the results within my body that I need to get pregnant. But I was still struggling with saying that I was dealing with infertility. I don't know why it has been so difficult for me to accept...I guess it's something about being labeled as something that is so negative and sad. I didn't want that label to define who I am and my attitude towards life. I've realized that I need to deal with this the same way I would deal with anything else in my life. Aggressive and with confidence. And also with hope and optimism.

Photo Credit

The first thing I usually do when I need to get as much information on a subject as possible is get a book. I know the internet has a ton of info that is readily available, but I am a book lover and enjoy learning new things as I turn the page. So I went to the library after work today and picked up three books on infertility, including Conquering Infertility by Dr. Alice Domar. This book has been mentioned by both Dandelion Bud and Worry Bud so I figured it would be a good start!

Where we are right now - I had an appointment on Saturday and Monday and my follicles didn't do so hot this month (on CD16 I had only one that was worth anything and it was only at 15) and my lining was a depressing 4.8. I was pretty much expecting this as I had been spotting for almost 6 days. We actually met with the RE on Monday, and she reviewed all of our cycles and said that my body was not responding to this protocol and that we probably need to move on. Our options? An injectable/IUI cycle with a cost of about $2000 for one month and a 20-25% success rate, or IVF with a cost of about $6000 (for a shared donor cycle...more on that later) and a 70% success rate. This was a pretty big shock and something I was hoping to never hear. She also offered to do one more cycle like we did last month (since I did have some improvement) to see if we got a better response and also to give us some time to think about our options.

Right now we're kind of in a holding pattern, just waiting...which seems like is all you ever do when trying to get pregnant! We're going to do one more month of the femara/estrogen/progesterone meds and then make a decision based on how the cycle goes. If it doesn't work, I would like to go straight to what gives us our best shot which is IVF, but we also have to consider the cost (no insurance coverage, so all OOP) and if we are comfortable with a shared donor cycle. What this means is that half of our embryos will be donated to a couple struggling with IF and that couple will pay for half of our procedure. My initial reaction is that if we can help another couple going through this, especially one who is probably looking at their last options with the help of people like us, I will do it. I could be someone's one shot at having what they so desperately want, and I'm at the point where I can really relate to that desperation. But Mr. CB and I will have to have some serious discussions about this to see what our hearts tell us to do.

Photo Credit

I'm praying for a miracle to happen in the next few months and hoping I see that BFP before we have to make all of these tough decisions.

A Christmas Blessing

"For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him."
1 Samuel 1:27

Photography Credit

Yesterday was Mr. Blessed Bud's Birthday and at 15DPIUI, he kept harassing me about POAS, so I got a FRER (First Response Early Result Pregnancy Test) Saturday night. I took the FRER before church and when the results came up Mr. Blessed Bud and I couldn't have been more thankful.



My Beta is today at 11:30am, and I am praying that all is well. Any Thoughts & Prayers you guys could spare would be greatly appreciated. Because of our history Mr. Blessed Bud does NOT want to tell any family or friends until after the First Trimester God willing. This has turned out to be a very Blessed Christmas!

Until Next Time,

The whole "be positive" thing is really hard

AF arrived yesterday. While I was expecting it since I had tested and gotten a BFN, it still really stinks to have officially moved on to cycle 11. If I would have gotten pregnant in one of our first couple of cycles I would be due in the next few weeks. That is crazy to think about. I had a major meltdown last night when Mr. CB and I got in to bed, and he was so comforting and understanding. I am trying to be positive but it is so difficult when you are starting over again with a new cycle.

Mr. Chef Bud and I had a long talk the other day about our next steps. I was leaning towards moving to IUI this next cycle, but instead we've decided to do one more cycle like we've been doing. He thinks that since my lining improved last month that we should see if one more month will make it even thicker. I also spent a small fortune on POM juice, which is supposed to help thicken the lining (ok, it was only $20, but that's a lot for 12 cups of juice!).

Photo Credit

My baseline sono is tomorrow and I'll confirm with my nurse what our plan will be for this cycle. Then Wednesday our holiday travels begin! We're starting with Christmas Eve dinner with Mr. CB's family in Palm Coast, FL then we're driving to Charlotte to spend Christmas with my entire family (23 aunts, uncles, cousins, granddad, brother and parents!). Then we're spending New Year's in Orlando with my closest girlfriends and their husbands, and throwing a NYE bash. My silver lining this month...I will be able to enjoy wine with my family at Christmas, and cocktails at our New Year's Eve party. Also, my mid-cycle check will be around January 4, and since I'll be traveling for the next week and a half the time should fly by and before I know it I'll be back in the 2WW!

I won't be back in town until 2010, so I hope all the Bloomin' Babies readers have a wonderful holiday!