Accepting the label

I've been seeing an RE since September. I'm on cycle 11. Not one of my medicated cycles has produced the results within my body that I need to get pregnant. But I was still struggling with saying that I was dealing with infertility. I don't know why it has been so difficult for me to accept...I guess it's something about being labeled as something that is so negative and sad. I didn't want that label to define who I am and my attitude towards life. I've realized that I need to deal with this the same way I would deal with anything else in my life. Aggressive and with confidence. And also with hope and optimism.

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The first thing I usually do when I need to get as much information on a subject as possible is get a book. I know the internet has a ton of info that is readily available, but I am a book lover and enjoy learning new things as I turn the page. So I went to the library after work today and picked up three books on infertility, including Conquering Infertility by Dr. Alice Domar. This book has been mentioned by both Dandelion Bud and Worry Bud so I figured it would be a good start!

Where we are right now - I had an appointment on Saturday and Monday and my follicles didn't do so hot this month (on CD16 I had only one that was worth anything and it was only at 15) and my lining was a depressing 4.8. I was pretty much expecting this as I had been spotting for almost 6 days. We actually met with the RE on Monday, and she reviewed all of our cycles and said that my body was not responding to this protocol and that we probably need to move on. Our options? An injectable/IUI cycle with a cost of about $2000 for one month and a 20-25% success rate, or IVF with a cost of about $6000 (for a shared donor cycle...more on that later) and a 70% success rate. This was a pretty big shock and something I was hoping to never hear. She also offered to do one more cycle like we did last month (since I did have some improvement) to see if we got a better response and also to give us some time to think about our options.

Right now we're kind of in a holding pattern, just waiting...which seems like is all you ever do when trying to get pregnant! We're going to do one more month of the femara/estrogen/progesterone meds and then make a decision based on how the cycle goes. If it doesn't work, I would like to go straight to what gives us our best shot which is IVF, but we also have to consider the cost (no insurance coverage, so all OOP) and if we are comfortable with a shared donor cycle. What this means is that half of our embryos will be donated to a couple struggling with IF and that couple will pay for half of our procedure. My initial reaction is that if we can help another couple going through this, especially one who is probably looking at their last options with the help of people like us, I will do it. I could be someone's one shot at having what they so desperately want, and I'm at the point where I can really relate to that desperation. But Mr. CB and I will have to have some serious discussions about this to see what our hearts tell us to do.

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I'm praying for a miracle to happen in the next few months and hoping I see that BFP before we have to make all of these tough decisions.