September 30, 2010
How on earth is it possible that I am 30 weeks pregnant?!
Well - i may not know how it's possible - but I know that I am. 30 weeks and 1 day pregnant. And yesterday I had the greatest OB appointment of my pregnancy so far. It was the first time I think I left without any doubts or concerns. And I left with a smile on my face.
So - this is how it went....
First - the typical, pee in a cup, blood pressure check and get on the dreaded scale. Except, as much as I dread getting on the scale, there was no reason to be worried. I had only gained 1 pound since my last appointment, making my pregnancy gain for the past 30 weeks only 14 pounds. I'm so proud of myself. Mr DB is proud of me. Dr Loh is proud of me. I'm well on track to gain no more than the 25 pounds I've resigned myself to, even though I originally wanted to stay under 20. It's really hard to be a fat chick with a huge appetite and control your pregnancy weight. But we're doing all of the right things with my diet - and I guess it's helping.
Then I asked a few questions about weird movement that I've been having. One of them feels like a vibration - and I asked her about it. Apparently babies can have the startle reflex in utero. Who knew? Then I mentioned the weird cervix feelings, where it feels like the baby is trying to dig it's way out.
So, she measured my uterus - all is well, and pulls out the doppler. Not long after she pulls out the doppler, she's pulling over the ultrasound machine. Now, she tells me that she just wants to check position, with what I was telling her. But silly nurse that I am knows that she really did it because she couldn't find the heartbeat. She kept getting mine. And i know the difference. I wasn't worried. Smudge had been moving around all day - and I knew the heart was right by my aorta. But it was awesome to get a surprise peek at Smudge, who is too big to even fit on the whole screen anymore! Smudge is transverse, again, surprise. Head on the right, butt on the left and fist in the mouth. And don't forget all the arms and legs hanging down dangling right on my cervix - explaining what i'm feeling.
Then we talked about some other symptoms I've been having - dizziness, cramps, contractions... we talked about my extreme water intake and she wants me to add more electrolytes and even gave me permission to eat a little bit of extra salt. So, i just downed a bottle of Gatorade Natural (thank you Whole Foods). I also got permission to change my PNV to a natural vitamin recommended by a friend, since my prescription PNV is no longer being made.
Oh - and at the end of my appointment, we discussed my ongoing back/hip and leg issues.... and she decided to pull me from work effective as soon as I want to be out. So, even though I'd rather never ever ever go back (ever)... i decided to do the responsible thing and stop working October 8th - exactly 2 months before my due date.
I'm SO out of there.
So meanwhile - Smudge is growing strong - and kicking the crap out of me. Tuesday night, we actually were able to watch my belly move for about 15 minutes. We had never seen such exaggerated movement before. It was so much fun to watch. I've been having a lot of contractions, but I still haven't hit her magic number to require monitoring (4-6 in an hour) - so despite contracting all day long, it's never been more than 3 in 60 minutes. Hopefully the electrolytes help.
So, that's our update for now... 4 shifts left at work. 10 weeks (or so) left of pregnancy. Starting my biweekly OB visits now and hoping to complete my clinical hours for school before the beginning of November. Our childbirth classes with our doula start on saturday, also!! We're really excited.
Smudge is almost here!
On October 31, 2007 my life changed forever. A little 12 pound bundle of 9 month joy was brought into my life. It is important to know that up until this time, Mr. JB and I had fostered four children. The first one entered our lives on March 31, 2007, and the last one had left our home on October 25, 2007. With each child's arrival I felt overwhelming joy, and with each child's departure I felt broken. It is also important to note that the child who left on October 25, 2007, had left me with a huge empty heart, and feeling a lot of despair. He came to our home in May, and from the get go we wanted to adopt him. We were under the impression that we probably would be able to, but by October 23, 2007 I was informed that he was going to be reunited with his father. Great news that his father was on the right track, but devastating for me, because I really felt that he would be our forever child.
As soon as the case manager pulled into the driveway at about 5:00 PM on October 31, 2007, I ran out the door to meet our new little guy. I was faced with an ADORABLE tiny child, with a big heaping hair of curls. I could not get over how cute he was, and in such a short life, this child had been through so much. Lil JB was born at the end of January and spent less than 4 months at home with his mother. The bulk of his time with his mother was spent in his crib, crying for her, and getting no response. She would leave him laying in his crib while she did drugs, and he developed an innate habit to scratch himself til he bled to get her attention. Yep, at exactly 1-3 months old, my child had been forced to do this to himself in order for her to even acknowledge him. He was removed from the home in May 2007, and spent the next 5 months bouncing from home to home. He had a severe case of Eczema, and continued to scratch himself to death, and no one wanted him. They labeled him a "behavior issue," and basically had to beg people to care for him. He also was so underweight that they had labeled him Failure to Thrive. My question is...How is a five month old a behavior problem?! I just wish we had found him sooner.
From the moment I took him out of his car seat, he never once cried, or acted like he didn't want to be around me because I was a stranger. The case manager even commented on how we quickly bonded, and stated that he had never been so calm and serene before around anyone. She told me that she felt like he just knew that this was his home. I giggled in delight and told her that, "of course it was, because he is my Pumpkin Baby." To this day I still call him my Pumpkin Baby, and if you ask lil JB why mommy's favorite holiday is Halloween, he will tell you that it is because he was my pumpkin baby. I also tell him that he was born in our hearts on Halloween. So, Halloween will always be a special holiday for our family.
The case manager informed us that lil JB's mother was still in the picture, and that she was supposed to visit him on a regular basis. This usually turned into maybe a visit once a month, and he also saw his 1/2 sister who was just a year older than him at the visits too. His mother was working on a case plan to get him back, but was very unstable and did not have a stable home or job. They also did not know who his biological father was. This was a relief to us, because it just meant that if they could not identify the father, that in the event the mother failed her case plan and her rights were terminated, that we could probably easily adopt lil JB. Little did we know what kind of bumpy road was heading our way! This pic is the first pic we took of him, the day after he came to our home! Sorry it is so grainy...I have carried it around so many place to show him off to so many people that it is rather worn now!
Til next time!
Our "main" baby shower (being hosted by my sister & close friends) is this Saturday & my work shower is next Tuesday, so I am excited to see all the cute stuff little Baby WB receives! Speaking of showers, Mr. WB's mom threw us a lovely first baby shower on September 18th & we got some really cute stuff off of our registry, like:
This cute Carter's bouncer & mini Eddie Bauer "man" diaper bag for Mr. WB:
And lots & lots more from clothes to bottle drying racks to bottle warmers to blankets & everything in between! His mom, aunts & cousin did such a wonderful job with our shower - it was much much more than I ever expected, which was just a small family thing! We had a great time & loved all of the cute stuff we got for Baby WB!
In recent baby buying obsession news, I also bought a few more things over the past couple of weeks...so bad, I know, I know - but I can't HELP it! Here's what I got:
Amazon. Now we have all the frames we need for her wall, so hopefully I can talk Mr. WB into putting them up this weekend so we can mark it off our to do list.
I hadn't planned on buying any "going home" baby outfits or any special outfits other than the first onesie we got from Target before we even knew that Baby WB was a girl. But then Obsessive Bud showed me pics of of little Olivia at the hospital & I saw that adorable matching gown & beanie outfit on from Etsy seller Addie Kakes Kreations & I just HAD to have one too (sorry for being a copier Mrs. OB, but it was too adorable to pass up)! So I got this one (in white & Baby WB's name of course, but the design/colors are all the same otherwise):
My little sister is going to take pics of us with the baby the day after she's born when she comes to visit us in the hospital & our little girl is gonna look so ADORABLE in her personalized cap & gown! I can hardly wait to get it!
I also had a 20% off Hallmark coupon, so today I bout the babe a cute memory book to record some memories from her first year with us. I feel like I may be going a teeny bit overboard, but hey...it's our first behbeh, so I'm excited! ;oP
According to Baby Center, Baby WB is the size of a cantaloupe this week. She is about 4 3/4 pounds & 18 inches long! She's getting plump in there - her fat layers are filling out more & her lungs are continuing to mature. When I got my weekly Baby Center email this week about the baby's development, it actually made me breathe a huge sigh of relief because it said that babies born between 34-37 weeks that have no other health problems generally do just fine. Not that I want her born any time before 37 weeks (or before the end of October for that matter), but still, good to know.
I can't believe the miracle of babies growing inside of women - it'll be even more real when she gets here, but sometimes I sit & think about how wonderfully awesome it is that I have another human being growing inside of me! It's also becoming so real that she'll be here soon...like SO real. I'm starting to get a little nervous - excited, but still nervous at all the changes our relationship, family & life in general are about to go through! As far as I go, I'm doing okay - very tired/achy by the end of the day & I can't breathe all that well, so I'm breathing really heavy when I walk short distances or talk too fast. I've also been getting pretty daily, beautiful cankles since last week. My Dr. assures me this is normal & advised that I just rest with my feet up at the end of the day, which normally does the trick, so by the next morning, my ankles are back! I'm also getting up to pee in the middle of the night much more often, which makes me even more exhausted when it's time to get up for work. Speaking of work...I got my final maternity leave schedule okay'ed by both of my bosses this week, woot! So the plan is that my last day in the office is October 29th - exactly a month from yesterday, woo! Then, I'll telework November 1st - 4th & take my normal Friday off on November 5th. I'm due November 6th, which is a Saturday. Then I'm off using a combo of holiday, sick, annual & comp time leave from November 8th until January 29th. I absolutely cannot wait to not have to worry about work for THREE months & am so blessed to have such a flexible job that I am able to take off that long! I figure even if I go past my due date, I'll just go ahead & start my leave anyways because I'll likely get induced the week after my due date. Hopefully I won't need to worry about that, but I'm not against it if I don't go into labor on my own either.
We had our 34 week appointment last Friday, the second to last bi-weekly appointment. We have one more next Friday, then I start seeing my OB once a week! This appointment was a normal one - peed in a cup, they checked my weight & blood pressure & the Dr. listened to the babe's heartbeat with the Doppler - 158 bpm if I remember correctly. I think they said I will get the order to do the Group B Strep test at my next appointment. And finally...here's my 33 & 34 week bump shots, I think she's definitely getting bigger in there:
But I'm not talking about that today.
This week on a message board I frequent, the question was asked "How do you distract yourself from the TTC madness?" I'm paraphrasing a bit, but that's the general gist.
It's a good question, really, because TTC has a nasty habit of infiltrating every nook and cranny in my brain until its hard to think of anything else. It becomes preoccupying and stressful, which kind of defeats the purpose.
So what does one do?
In my case, a lot of my distraction comes from the written word.
I am currently taking part in a book challenge through Stainless Steel Droppings, and as of tomorrow, I will be taking part in the Nest's Fall Book Challenge. I love reading, and I love checklists. Book challenges combine them both into a cornucopia of fun.
When reading doesn't sound enjoyable (read:almost never), I write. I've been writing a manuscript for about a year now, mostly for my own enjoyment, rather than for publication.
Both avenues allow me to immerse myself in fiction, which is, to me, the ultimate distraction from everything (for serious. When HP and the Deathly Hallows came out, I locked myself in my room for eight hours to read it. Mr. Cherry Bud though I had run away.). I have to stay away from books involving babies, but I don't mind. The literary world has plenty to offer in the way of baby-free materials.
What do you do to distract yourself from the baby-making madness?
September 29, 2010
This week we had our Doctor's appointment and it went AMAZING!! We confirmed it was a boy and we were able to see him in 3d/4d. WOW.. I cried, I felt as if I met him at that moment. He has Mr. Buds nose... adorable.
I have been feeling really good and have no complains... I've been getting my energy back and have had no more nausea.
Here are a few belly pics.. This week I'm really starting to show and am loving it!!! I'm loving how to accessorize my bump :)
And this week at 19 weeks...
After our 12 week appointment I was dying to purchase my baby bag. This was something very personal to me, I know what I wanted and did not want anything that screamed out BABY!! Especially since I have to go back to work and will take my breast pump to pump milk through out the day.
I had a 20% off coupon and headed into the outlet and found this beauty on clearance for 50% off!!! It was meant to be.....
I have tons to post... Nursery, pregnancy fashion and tons more!
Yesterday someone on a local message board I visit posted about an opportunity to participate in a study for women who are TTC. I requested more information. Who knows, maybe sometime soon I will be......and being compensated to TTC is something I am all about. :)
I went in for my baseline appointment today to start my injection cycle. I have a 4cm (40mm) cyst.
I have no shame. I burst into tears right there in the middle of the ultrasound before she even told me. I knew going in that something was wrong. My period is incredibly heavy and thick and full of very large clots. My fear was that my fibroid was back. Having a cyst was in the back of my mind due to the pain I'd had during ovulation and the very low progesterone number. Even though I had the feeling that something wasn't right, I still wasn't prepared to hear that it was actually true and we would be canceled until the cyst resolves itself. However long that is going to take.
I'm having such a hard time right now. It feels like absolutely nothing is going right and I don't understand what I did to deserve all of this. I just stayed in bed all day today and cried.
The nurse said we could try on our own this month and it took a lot of willpower not to laugh in her face. Really? Try on my own? BWAHAHAHAHAHAH. The whole reason we are doing the injections is because I can't get pregnant on my own.
And then she followed that up with telling us that the risk of miscarriage is higher because of the cyst.
Just another step closer to throwing in the towel and being done with all of this crap.
September 28, 2010
The more exciting news is that today is my donor's 5th day of stimulation meds. My donor coordinator called me with an update--our donor had 11 measurable follicles and 45 more growing. Those numbers are so big I can barely add them! Granted they may not all be mature at the time of her retrieval (estimated next Monday or Tuesday) but still, those are great numbers. I am very hopeful!
I go in Friday for another estrogen check and an ultrasound to measure my lining. Friday is our donor's day 8 appointment as well, so I'll have another update on her follicle count. She should be triggering Friday or Saturday. Holy cow!
Til Friday - wish us luck!
My window is oddly shaped: 84" wide by just 16" high. It runs across the top of our bed, and into the side yard. So I needed two panels, each fairly wide, but only 17" long.
Once I had the old panels cut to size, I ironed the seams to make nice, crisp edges. This was quite the task, being 6 mos. pregnant. Since I got pretty lightheaded after crawling around the rug to measure and cut the panels, I set up a seated ironing table in our office. If I can sit, I can iron. It actually worked out really well:
After ironing a 3" hem, I realized that the sheerness of the curtains would make the jagged edge from my kitchen scissors show. Can't have that! So I folded the top edge in, so that there was about an inch of a hem, with smooth edges on both sides. And then I ironed like crazy, with a little spray starch.
Once I got the seam sewn across the hem, I realized that the stitching still showed. It looked alright, but when you have a spool of 1/4" ivory grosgrain ribbon in your arsenal, who's good with just alright? Not me, that's for sure. So I added a neat row of ivory edging, about 3/4" above the bottom edge of the curtain, smack on top of the original hem seam.
I'll be back with in-room success shots once our new furniture gets delivered and the room gets put together!
September 27, 2010
My new clinic, which I love by the way, has an on-site acupuncturist and he offers a free consultation to all patients under Dr. T's practice. I have done acupuncture twice in the past and I really love how relaxed I felt after those two appointments. Here is what my future acupuncturist believes are the benefits of acupuncture for IVF and infertility:
1) Acupuncture and Chinese medicinals help to improve ovarian function by increasing blood flow to that region of the body. This may allow for the development of better quality eggs and strong, healthy embryos.
2) Acupuncture increases blood flow to the uterus. Studies indicate that increased blood flow to the uterus can help to promote follicular development and encourage implantation of the embryo.
3) Acupuncture and Chinese medicinals can help support the ovaries to respond more efficiently to the hyper-stimulating drugs thereby allowing for the production of more follicles.
4) Acupuncture and Chinese medicine can regulate estrogen and progesterone levels which can augment the lining of the uterus for proper implantation.
5) Acupuncture strengthens the immune system. Since approximately half of chemical pregnancies miscarry, one of the treatment goals is to boost the patient’s immune system using acupuncture and herbs.
6) There are high levels of physical and emotional stress associated with trying to get pregnant. Acupuncture and herbs are very effective in reducing stress and alleviating the side-effects of the hyper-stimulating medications, which help the patient to be calm and relaxed.
A recent study in the Journal of Fertility & Sterility in February 2002. In this study, 160 women underwent routine IVF. Half of them were randomized to have acupuncture both before and after the embryo transfer and half were not. The results were also blinded to those who had acupuncture and those who didn't. Randomization and blinding made this a very good and unbiased study. The acupuncture group had a pregnancy rate about 40% higher than the group that did not have acupuncture.
I will be calling tomorrow for my initial consult and I am excited to get the acupuncture ball rolling again in preparation for my fresh cycle in November...
September 26, 2010
However, I think it is time to come clean. I could just sit here and type to you matter of fact postings describing how crazy fertility drugs make me, but that is not the reason why I joined this blog. In my short 4 month here, I have come to see you all not as strangers, but as a supportive community. You have all shared your ups and downs with me, and I think it is time to share mine with you.
After AF decided to announce her presence (on her own this time, which is very out of character), I began Clomid cycle #3 on 100mgs of pure insanity.
This time? Was kind of anti-climatic. I was a little weepy the first night, and I continue to have a few hot flashes, but so far I have not been an emotional basket case nor have I spit my gum on the side of someones car because they cut me off in traffic (Wait, did I forget to tell you guys that story? Its probably for the best.). Basically, I have just been hanging out and FREAKING THE EFF OUT over becoming pregnant again.
I'm scared to death that if I become pregnant and lose a fourth pregnancy, it will be the one that breaks me. On the other hand, I feel like I cannot move forward with my life until I get past this hurdle. I feel like I have been stuck in a time warp, and when I think that we have been trying to have a baby for almost 2 years now, it literally makes me sick to my stomach.
Not to mention how much I feel like a failure. I feel like I am letting everyone down with my infertility. My poor husband - what did he do to deserve this?
Speaking of my poor husband, I think he knows more about the female reproductive system than any man ever wants to know. No man should know what EWCM is, let alone what it looks like.
So here I am, wallowing in my own pity, and moving forward without knowing if I should. However, if I always feared the unknown, I would be sitting alone, in my house, with approximately 10-15 cats (all of which I would be knitting socks for).
I think right now its best to take a chance. Because without chances, I think we all would become Crazy Cat Ladies.....and I'm not that great of a kniter anyways.
September 24, 2010
I am not a highly religious person, but can't help thinking that there has to be a good reason why we can't get pregnant. Maybe it is just not the right time, maybe something else big is planned for us. All I know is we are definitely ready and I just hope answers come quick and easy.
September 23, 2010
Olivia Clare made her debut into this world on September 15, 2010 at 5:32 PM. She weighed 7lbs 8.5 oz 19 1/4th inches long. She has the cutest dimple and lots of hair! I can’t begin to tell you how lucky and blessed we are to have such a beautiful little girl. She is gorgeous. My birth story is very interesting and eye opening. I’m so lucky to have such a great doctor and little Miss Liv is also.
Last Maternity Photo 38 Weeks 3 Days
It all started on Tuesday, September 14, 2010. I had my 38 week doctor appointment with my awesome doctor. I had been on bedrest for the last couple of weeks and was dying to get off of bedrest. Let me tell you, what I would do to have that back =) Anyways, when we go in I get checked and he said I was 25-50% effaced and 1-1.5 cm dilated. I was actually excited about that progress. For the longest time I was no where and I was REALLY worried I wouldn’t dilate at all on my own because of previous cryotherapy. I wanted nothing more than to have a vaginal birth. My doctor let me know we were on the schedule for that night to have an induction and if I wanted it to go in at 10pm. I didn’t really know what to do to be honest. I went back and forth on it in the room with Mr. OB. Thinking how a failed induction = csection but I really wanted to meet our little girl and she was measuring on the bigger size and who knows if I could push out a 9lb baby. While we were talking it over my doctor let me know he was going to strip my membranes. Ouch. I swear I was going to pee on the guy. It wasn’t so bad painful just I swear he was stripping my bladder! He then told me how he didn’t do mine that much and sometimes he does it and breaks women’s waters and that he could have done more for me. We then decide to see what happens with this membrane stripping. I figured I would be having contractions frequently and by the end of the day ready to have her out and I would have made my decision. We told the receptionist I would call back with our decision.
We go home and we talk it over and I’m about 75% leaning towards the induction 25% leaning towards waiting on more week. Well little did I know my decision would be made for me. Mr. OB decides to go to the office and I realized I’m soaking up panty liners with blood. I knew I was suppose to bleed but there was alot of bleeding. I call into the doctors office and my doctor said why don’t you just go into labor and delivery and we can see what is going on. We then decide might as well start this induction early.
I call Mr. OB he comes home and I tell him we need to go get new phones. Yes before I went to the hospital I made sure I checked one more thing off my list. We went to Verizon to get new phones. See I have had a crappy go phone for the last 5 years. I have never upgraded. My phone can’t take pictures, get on the internet, etc and I felt like this was important. My bleeding had subsided so I felt like it was okay for the time being. And how long could that REALLY take?
We get 2 new phones.. YAY! And we are off to the hospital. Let me tell you though, that phone saved me during labor. I was talking to people constantly keeping my mind off of the contractions etc. It was VERY worth it. We get Wendy’s before we get to the hospital because I know if I dont eat I won’t get food for a while. I get a chicken sandwich and try to eat as much as I can. I’m a little nervous and eating was difficult.
Well we get to the hospital and I go into labor and delivery and the nurses there ask me why I am there. They have a full house and I’m not on the list to be induced tonight. But I do have my paper work told them about my bleeding and they got me into a triage room. I was admitted at 6 and finished eating my dinner and we started Cyotec to help ripen my cervix. I was having some pretty constant contractions but nothing too painful and I was getting a repeat dosage every 3 hours.I was also pretty upset I didnt eat more at dinner time. I was already starving and it was only 10! I lost my mucus plug at about 10 pm. I’m not going to lie I told myself pretty soon I would be in pain and my hunger pains would be nothing compared to the contractions! My doctor came in and chatted a bit with us and I told him how he started all of this by stripping my membranes. On a side note I can’t believe how much those guys work. He was there at all hours of the day.
I went from a 1-2 at about midnight. It was going slowly but that was okay for me. At 3 am I woke up and told Mr. OB I think my water broke. He said, are you sure you didn’t pee on yourself. Well when your water breaks like it did for me you know your water broke. There was no holding it in. I got up to walk to the bathroom and I was just leaking everywhere. Because my water broke spontaneously I couldn’t get anymore medication vaginally so off to Pictoin it was. We had to have this baby within the next 24 hours. EXCITING!So at 4 AM we started the Pictocin. I knew that these contractions are contractions from hell but I was also determined to get the epidural when I was at least 4 cm dilated. I didn’t want to get it too early because I knew it would slow down the process which was already slow in my opinion. The nurse also told me to be aware when you ask for the epidural you don’t get it then and there. You have to get tons of fluids in you before you get it and it takes about an hour to an hour and a half for that. I definitely kept that in mind. At about 7 I decided the pains were pretty bad. They asked me what my pain level was 1-10 and I said 6-7. Mr. OB says, umm you take the epi when you are at a 10. Well buddy in about an hour or two I will be at a 10 and it will be too late. I couldn’t have asked for it at a perfect time! I labored for about 3-4 hours without the epidural and it was rough there at the end. I was dilated to at about a 3 or 4 at this time. When I was checked at 11AM I was at a 5. I was finally getting SOMEWHERE! At 1:30 I was at a 6 and at 2:30 I was at an 8! I think alot of my progress was due to my awesome nurse Jenifer I had. Every time she checked me she stretched and massaged my cervix because she knew I had cryotherapy. She was such an awesome nurse. At 3 I was at a 9.5 and it was about time to push. Go figure the epidural would wear off by now and I could feel alot of pressure in my groin and back. Major Back Labor! I couldn’t get more medicine because then I couldn’t feel my contractions and know when to push. I figured I could handle it.
We started pushing at 3:30ish right after I threw up. I guess thats the sign its time to push? This is the photo Mr. OB took RIGHT before I started pushing. Notice my phone. See it was VERY important I get that phone.
Once we started pushing I thought she was NEVER going to come out. I pushed for 2 hours straight. It was rough. I could feel everything with every push I had pain in my right groin and nerve pain because she was hanging out on my nerve and there was nothing anyone could do for it. We decided to have me push on my side. It was a VERY awkward laboring position but it was the only way I felt some sort of relief. After about 2 hours of pushing my doctor came in and it was go time.
There is a funny part in this story… I had a labor music. I had a song I wanted to be played while I was pushing and I told Mr. OB about it. It was more a joke but we played it from our phones and all the nurses came in wondering what the hell I was doing. Yes I was pushing to the song by Salt N Pepper … Push It. With every push I laughed. Nurses were coming in wondering why rap music was blaring. All the nurses were saying when they have their babies they are totally going to push to that song.I told Mr. OB and the nurses how my doctor was going to come in and think WTH is this chick doing. The nurses said nah he will like it. He comes in and and I’m pretty sure he was singing or dancing away. I’m sure now he thinks Im a nut. Pure awesome. It definitely lighten the mood.
After a couple of pushes everyone says they can see her head and she is almost out. Then I hear the nurse say, “She didn’t show any signs of this. If she had we wouldn’t have had her labor”. Yep the cord was wrapped around my daughters neck and tight. Little Olivia didn’t ONCE show any signs of distress. At all. Her heartrate was perfect throughout the entire laboring process. Amazing.
As I’m waiting for her to cry, I hear my doctor say, “There is something you want to do right” to Mr. OB and Mr. OB cuts the cord. Then I heard the most awesome sound ever. Her crying. It was amazing. Then this is where things went downhill FAST!
Mr. OB walked over to look at Miss Olivia because I couldn’t see her or hold her because the doctor was working on me. I knew I needed to deliver the placenta but had no idea there were complications. Pretty much the cord ruptured and I was hemorrhaging. My doctor is elbow deep into my uterus trying to get out residual placenta and I hear him say, we need to get her to the OR ASAP and she needs a blood transfusion. She has lost ALOT of blood. I’m like huh? I just want to see my daughter. Mr. OB comes over with her before they rush me out and I see her and she is perfect. I’m in alot of pain because 1. the epidural as worn off and 2. my doctor is trying to find the rest of the placenta since the cord ruptured and ouch it was WORSE than labor pains.
The nurse gave me a shot of demerol and I was out. I was fainting and told everyone and off to the OR I went. I meant to tell Mr. OB I loved him before they wheeled me out but I was gone. I remember getting to the OR and saying oh I feel alot better. It was super cold in there and helped me come to it.
My doctor began working on me and I had a d and c to get the remaining placenta. I lost alot of blood so I was very out of it. I do remember telling the doctor I was sorry Push It wasn’t on in the OR room. I also remember shaking SO bad from the epidural and tell my doctor I was sorry it might be hard to work down there with all my shaking. The nurses were also telling my Mr. OB was worried about me and if I wanted to tell him anything. Oh yeah I did. This is what I wanted to tell him. My nipples hurt. Yes I said, tell him my nipples hurt its so cold in here. He will know I’m fine. After I guess what about was an hour I’m all finished and my doctor finished me up and I was sent to recovery. I see Mr. OB waiting for me outside and he said so I guess you’re okay but your nipples aren’t? HAHA
I was sent to a room and was able to see my daughter and bond for the first time. The nurses in the nursery were so wonderful. They didn’t bath her give her a bottle or anything. I said I wanted to breastfeed as soon as possible and I didn’t get that hour to bond with her but they realized what I went through and made it happen. I was so happy. Here is our first family photo!
After an hour it was time for mommy to rest. And rest I did. I was so dizzy and just out of it from losing so much blood. I needed a blood transfusion. I got two units of blood the next morning and felt AMAZING. I can’t believe how much blood I had lost. Pretty much half of my blood. I’m so lucky and fortunate to have such a wonderful and talented doctor. It could have been worse better yet I could have died on that table. I can’t begin to tell you how blessed we are. I kept on telling my doctor thanks for saving my life and he was like Nah, it wasn’t a big deal.
Little Miss Olivia had to stay an extra night in the hospital without her mommy because of some jaundice issues. Theses are all taken care of but let me tell you leaving the hospital with an empty carseat was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I can’t believe the love I have for my daughter already. Its so amazing.
More on how our first night home was etc later. For now Mommy needs some much needed rest!
I'm to call as soon as I start my period (in the next few days) and then they will have me come in for my baseline appointment. At that point, they will call in to the pharmacy of my choice (they gave me a list of 4 they recommend) to order my meds. I'll be on a low dose of Follistim to start out conservatively and see how I respond, ramping up if necessary. Then I'll be going in daily for ultrasounds and bloodwork after a few days on that to see how I'm responding. Once ovulation is imminent, I will be triggering with 10,000 miu of Novarel HCG. And then taking vaginal progesterone suppositories until either I'm not pregnant or until 12 weeks of pregnancy.
He said that there is a 22% chance of conceiving with this protocol with my history.
He also said he doesn't feel IUI is necessary but would do it if we wanted. He feels we would be wasting our money though so I agreed to give it a shot with TI this month and see what happens, maybe move on to IUI next cycle.
He didn't even feel the need to really discuss IVF at this point, saying he doesn't feel I'm a candidate for it yet and we'd worry about it after a few cycles of this.
So... that's where I stand. A little nauseous about the cost but knowing it will be worth it.
I do still feel sad at times about the way all of this has played out. Mr. JB and I used to always talk about what would happen if we weren't able to have kids, but it is a whole different ballgame when they actually TELL you that you can't. I get sentimental when I think about not being pregnant, or not feeling my baby kick, or not get to go into labor, or breastfeed etc. But, then I look into Lil JB's eyes, and I remember how good God can be, because he did bless us with him through foster care and adoption. We fought very hard for him, and it was a tough 2 year battle. If Mr. JB and I can get through that, and come out on top and strong, then we can do anything. I truly believe this. There were times I cried myself to sleep when we were sure lil JB was going to leave to go live with some relative who was a STRANGER to him. I pictured him waking up in the middle of the night crying for me, and me not being able to be there to help him. I pictured him wondering why we left him, and nobody being able to give him any answers. My heart would be torn out and broken into pieces while I imagined the worst, only for a few weeks to go by and for things to look up and seem to be going in our favor. Then we would be on a blissful high that no one could take us down from. We dealt with a lot over those two years, and we always leaned on each other and held each others hand along the way. Many couples may have been broken apart dealing with the stress we dealt with, but for us, it was a huge learning experience and made us appreciate what we had even more and learn to lean on one another in serious times of need.
I fantasize about what our child will look like, and if it will be a boy or a girl. I know that our darling child is out there, and pretty soon we will get to meet them.
September 22, 2010
|Photo credit: Golden Bud|
On Monday our donor had her suppression check. My coordinator didn't call me with the results, which I assumed to be a good sign (this time anyways). A quick email confirmed that our donor had no cysts and would be starting her stims this Friday.
I've been on Lupron and estrogen patches (the square patches weirdly known as "Dots") and am popping Tylenol daily to deal with the annoying Lupron headaches. I go in for an estrogen test this Friday. That'll be our next hurdle -- we need a good number to show that my lining is increasing. I've never had lining problems in the past, so I expect smooth sailing.
As our donor's egg retrieval draws near, I've been shopping on Etsy for donor gifts. It's common to deliver a gift for her to receive after her surgery. I'm collecting a few goodies in her favorite color (teal) and ordered a necklace that I hope she likes.
Things are pretty boring right now, but that's ok. No news is good news.
Til next time,
It was a good plan.
I had given up on this cycle, I made my peace with it, and I was excited to start fresh.
And now what do I have?
On the bright side, if I O'd, even though we had bad BD timing, it would mean I did it on my own, and that I'll start AF in a week or so.
On the downside, I had a plan, darn it!
September 21, 2010
Let's rewind a little bit. I was very psyched up this month. I was going to show infertility that it was wrong and that I was going to get pregnant before needing any further prescription treatment. Then came 2 whole days, morning noon and night, of very positive OPK's (smiley faces so there was no confusion)! Wooohooo, I rarely get that many. THIS was going to be a great month, I could tell!! Had some pretty major cramping during that time and just knew I had released a doozy of an egg. Heck, maybe two!! Because I was going to beat infertility this month. I was really going to show it who was boss here. I was going to have the last laugh.
I've had no phantom symptoms or any of my normal symptoms for the past week so naturally I took that as a sign. Oh yeah... different is good!!! No symptoms = a really good symptom!!
No. No symptoms = no ovulation.
My progesterone level was 7. The nurse said that indicated no ovulation, or at the very least, a weak ovulation and that the level would not support a pregnancy. She was happy with my estradiol level of 135... a lot of good that does me if I didn't ovulate.
I see the RE on Friday to discuss everything. I don't even know if I want to go. Let's face it, it's not going to happen. I've had two surgeries, three Clomid attempts, two RE's, a partridge, a pear tree and a broken heart.
If it wasn't for my daughter, I honestly wouldn't even get out of bed. I don't want to. I drag myself out and I make the motions of living my life but it's not me anymore. I don't think I'm ever going to be the person I was two years ago, happy, optimistic, full of joy and life. All that's left is bitter, jaded, angry and broken.
I'm just completely broken. My spirit is broken. My body is broken. My heart is broken.
And the worst part... I feel like I'm all alone. I feel like NO ONE knows how this feels. I'm tired of being told to just have faith, don't give up hope. There is no more hope. It's completely drained. Faith? Why bother... I can't have faith in something that has caused me so much pain and heartache. Perhaps I've done something to deserve all of this. *shrug* I haven't been the most perfect person. I've made mistakes.
Normally I can rebound pretty quickly and regain some optimism and trudge forward with the next cycle. Not this time. I seem to have misplaced the ladder and I can't climb out.
And I still have 9 whole days before the end of this cycle. As if the 2WW wasn't bad enough, it's even worse when you know there's no chance of being pregnant and having to wait 9 more days to get it over with.
September 20, 2010
On the other hand, aside from the party, my weekend was chaotic. I started getting sick at the end of last week, and spent the last 5 days doped up on cold medicine, with pockets full of Kleenex and cough drops. :( Being sick isn't fun no matter what, but ESPECIALLY when you work 75 hours per week, like me. Luckily I have a casual office and we are pretty much self-governed, so I was able to sneak in a short nap in lieu of a lunch break which helped a bit. I am sure that the stress isn't helping health-wise. I am always exhausted, and my stress level is high. I keep telling myself that I only need to maintain this pace for another 5 weeks, and then there will be some reprieve........although hopefully not too much reprieve, because I need to find another job after this!
Anyways, the Wow, the Ouch, and the Really, are all of course related to TTC....or lack thereof. It has been such a mix of emotions going through this waiting period. Mr.FB and I have always known that we wanted children. We have talked about it a lot. I knew that I was ready before Mr. FB, but I never wanted him to feel pressured, so I let him come to terms with when to start TTC on his own. And now, we are both SO ready, and can't do anything about it. :( I love my husband so much, and while I am so glad that he is emotionally ready for this, it makes my heart ache each time he tells me that he can't wait to see me with a pregnant belly, or that he is so excited to be a dad, or that he can't wait to see me as a mother. I want all of those things too....SO badly, but we can't have them because even after over 400 applications, my husband still does not have a job, and we are just not at a place where this is a good idea practically speaking.
This week my sister got to hear her baby's heartbeat, and she hit the 15 week mark. My friend made it to 10 weeks and got to break out the bella band. My other friend also just announced on Facebook that she is pregnant.
Today I went to lunch with one of my best friends. She was my maid of honor in my wedding. I was in her wedding. We have been friends for 10 years and have been through so much together. In fact, we even decided that we wanted to try to have our kids close together because we wanted to share that experience. And while I realize that it is silly to try to plan those things, it was fun to think about and hope for the shared experience. She asked me today whether we were going to start TTC as planned (this was going to be our month), and I told her that, no, we still had to wait, that there wasn't a job and that we were hoping for the best. Then she got choked up a bit and couldn't even look me in the eye as she told me that she is pregnant. I am SO SO happy for her, and I am so sad that she felt sad telling me her news. I love her dearly, and while it is bittersweet, I am thrilled for her.
I am hoping that someday soon I can share news of my very own. And I told my friend that it wasn't too late to still go through part of this pregnancy together.
Keeping my fingers crossed.
It's not an evil plan, but look at that kitteh! I wuv it.
My temp spiked, which I'm ignoring, because that's what you do to things who only want attention. I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt only because my cheap-o HPT's haven't arrived from Amazon yet. When they do, if my temp hasn't indicated O, I'll test, get a little weapy over the BFN, and fill my prescription for Provera.
That should start Cycle 4, and with it, implementation of The Plan. The Super Awesome Cherry Bud Pregnancy Attainment Plan.
2. Green Tea. Drink it. I have a bunch at home, I just forget to drink it. Always.
3. Vitex. I'm buying the smallest possible bottle tonight and crossing my fingers that it doesn't turn me into a crazy person. I mentioned awhile back that Provera turns me into Ted Bundy. What I didn't mention is that I wasn't surprised. My emotions are apparently in a very rickety balance, and a hormonal difference one way or the other turns me into a kaleidoscope of nuts. The point of this is that I'm giving the Vitex a chance, as it is (apparently) a fertility wonderment. We'll see how it goes. If my posts become mentally unbalanced in the next few weeks, you'll know why.
4. BD-ing. We're ok at this, actually. So I guess we'll just keep up the good work and stuff.
Sweet Thing Mr. Cherry Bud said this week: "So....you said your temp went up...or down...something good...how did....how did that work out for you?" He's trying so hard, and I love him for it.
September 19, 2010
On Monday, I spotted - just once - and it never came back. It was way too early for my period, so I immediately thought this was implantation bleeding and had a minor freak out (and by minor I mean major because I'm not one for surprises or things that aren't planned for). I called my new RE and asked about the progesterone supplements just in case I was pregnant. And do you know what I was told? I was told that they do not assist patients who become pregnant on their own.
Nope, no need to go back and re-read that sentence, you read it right.
And if that statement was not bad enough, I was also told that the doctor would call me back, but not today because he was on vacation. If I didn't receive a call back by Friday, the nurse instructed me to call them. You know, just in case I was "lost in the shuffle."
Again, no need to re-read. True story.
When situations arise such as this, I have to remember that I am a grown up and have to conduct myself in a "mature" manner, not like a member of The Bad Girls Club. And let me tell you, it took everything I had to not flip out on this poor, unsuspecting nurse and tell her what a crock of crap that practice was. I instead, thanked her for her time and immediately set up an appointment with my old RE to go over the information I was given with my second opinion (woo hoo! grown up status has been achieved!).
And just as I suspected, every single test the Second Opinion RE wanted to do on me was not necessary. Dr. T just kept repeating, "It wouldn't hurt, but its not necessary." It was nice to know that my current doctor is more concerned about keeping me pregnant than getting a fat payout.
So, I'm back with Dr. T and will start my Clomid again this cycle (hold onto your butts, readers). My TTC hiatus has officially ended only after 2 months (but 10 lbs gone!). I'm ready to give this another shot and feel like I am both physically and mentally ready.
Let the baby making (and keeping) begin.