September 23, 2010

My thoughts thus far

Well, it is Thursday and has been three days since the news of Mr. JB's SA came back. We have told many of our friends and family the situation we face, and everyone has been very supportive. They of course, remind us of the fact that God can work in mysterious ways, and that I may turn up pregnant soon. Right. Well, if that does indeed happen, I would be ecstatic, but I am not holding my breath. Anyways, it feels good to have a plan in action. I have gotten in touch with the counselor at the child welfare agency that would need to help get things in gear for us to be re licensed as an adoptive home. This SHOULD be a pretty painless process, with little red tape to go through, since we only gave up our foster care license about 8 months ago. I am waiting to hear back from her in regards to what our next step will be. I am such an impatient person, that it is KILLING me waiting to hear from her. But, I know that I need to sit back and relax. This is one time that you CAN give me the advice to relax, and I will not bite your head off.

I do still feel sad at times about the way all of this has played out. Mr. JB and I used to always talk about what would happen if we weren't able to have kids, but it is a whole different ballgame when they actually TELL you that you can't. I get sentimental when I think about not being pregnant, or not feeling my baby kick, or not get to go into labor, or breastfeed etc. But, then I look into Lil JB's eyes, and I remember how good God can be, because he did bless us with him through foster care and adoption. We fought very hard for him, and it was a tough 2 year battle. If Mr. JB and I can get through that, and come out on top and strong, then we can do anything. I truly believe this. There were times I cried myself to sleep when we were sure lil JB was going to leave to go live with some relative who was a STRANGER to him. I pictured him waking up in the middle of the night crying for me, and me not being able to be there to help him. I pictured him wondering why we left him, and nobody being able to give him any answers. My heart would be torn out and broken into pieces while I imagined the worst, only for a few weeks to go by and for things to look up and seem to be going in our favor. Then we would be on a blissful high that no one could take us down from. We dealt with a lot over those two years, and we always leaned on each other and held each others hand along the way. Many couples may have been broken apart dealing with the stress we dealt with, but for us, it was a huge learning experience and made us appreciate what we had even more and learn to lean on one another in serious times of need.

I fantasize about what our child will look like, and if it will be a boy or a girl. I know that our darling child is out there, and pretty soon we will get to meet them.

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