Baby SB is Here Part II

I started to be induced around 3 pm on Tuesday.  It started off with the magnesium sulfate hook up. I had to be on this because of the pre eclampsia - it prevents seizures.  Honestly, I would have rather had the seizure.  When this drug is first turned on, it feels like the room goes to 100 degrees for about 15 minutes.  If that is not bad enough, you cannot get up to walk around (hello bed pan), makes you have flu like symptoms, exhausts the hell out of you and causes you to be a little out of it.  I was on this devil drug for three whole days (you have to be on it 24 hours after delivery too) - it was awful.

After the magnesium, they put a little pill on my cervix to try to dilate it or soften it up (as I was a little out of it, I forget).  Then you wait 4 hours, and they check you.  If nothing happens, they will do it again.  This was my first 8 hours of labor.  I came in 1 centimeter dilated all this little pill did was soften my cervix - no more dilation.

During this time I should mention that Baby SB's heartbeat would drop every time I went to the bathroom - I have no idea why.  People would just come rushing in my room and throw an oxygen mask on my face and turn me on my side, then he was fine.  From that point on, I was no longer allowed to be on my back and my legs were cramping up horribly.  It was some scary stuff.  Apparently I was having a lot of contractions too - none of which I could even feel.  Since the contractions were coming so often, they thought it was putting the baby in distress so they gave me another drug to slow them down which made me feel like I had taken no less than 10 Hydroxycuts (the kind that are illegal now - remember those?) and made my heart feel like it was jumping out of my chest.  This led me into a mild panic attack.

After the 8 hours with no progress, they decided to literally blow up my cervix.  I think it was called a foley balloon.  They use this to dilate you even further.  As this sounded like medieval torture to me, I immediately asked for an epidural. 

And let me tell you - the epidural freaked me the eff out.  Like, I threw up because I was so scared (P.S. no reason to be scared of the epidural - it is your friend.  I will never understand that I can get piercings and tattoos and not even flinch, but if you dare stick me with a needle for medical purposes, I will spaz out).  It took forever to put in, because I was sitting lopsided.  The poor lady putting it in could not figure out why the hec it wasn't going in straight.  After we figured out why, Baby SB's heart rate dropped again while the epidural was nearly finished.  I had 12 medical professionals in my room.  His heart rate went back up and the epidural was in place.

The foley made me dilate to 4 + centimeters (whatever that means) and it stayed there for over 24 hours - no progression was made and I felt like I was being tortured.  They broke my water too, and now I think it is hilarious all of the times that I thought I was leaking amniotic fluid during pregnancy - Ha.....hahahahahaha (good god you will KNOW)! They also couldn't monitor my contractions from the outside anymore, and they had to insert something inside of me.  It wasn't so bad until Baby SB started tugging on it (oh I kid you not), and they had to keep reinserting it.  After the third time I told them no more and they would have to come up with another plan.

Lets fast forward to Thursday morning (hi - I was in latent labor for about 40 hours).  My doctor I have been going through my entire pregnancy with comes in and asks me how I am doing.  I tell him miserable and he agrees with me.  He told me that obviously things were not progressing, and asked if I wanted a c section.  I said yes and tried my hardest not to kiss him on the lips (have I mentioned to you how good looking my doctor is?  Mr. SB and I call him Dr. Sexy and think that he is the reason my blood pressure was high.  However, I would have kissed a gross old man with tongue if they offered me a c section at this point).  Before I knew what was happening, I was prepped for surgery and was being wheeled into the OR.

William Kenneth was born at 8:48 am and at that moment, I could have cared less if I was in labor for a month.  He was so worth it.  He was checked over, determined that no extra care was needed and was then placed in Mr. SB's arms.  I kissed him on his head and just stared at him for the rest of the surgery.  I can't get over how much he looks like my husband.  I'll spare you the pictures of him with guts all over him on the scale (only parents think those are cute - to others they are gross).

My world has now changed forever and I couldn't be happier.  This little boy has stolen my heart and I will never be the same again.  Check out this handsome guy....

So I guess this is Sarcastic Bud signing off.  Thank you all for sharing my journey with me and to all of you struggling with infertility, please do not give up until you are holding your LOs in your arms.

Baby SB is Here! Part I

Yes, you read that correctly.  Mr. William decided to come 4.5 weeks early on May 10, 2012.  He weighed 6 lbs 4 ounces and was 20.5 inches long.  Amazingly, no NICU was required.  He came out perfect and I cannot even begin to tell you how lucky I feel.

I must warn you though - reading my birth story is not for the faint of heart.   Even though I had a wonderful outcome, my labor and delivery was kind of a train wreck and probably would scare the curap out of me if I was reading it having never gone through the experience.  So please read at your own risk.

I woke up the Monday before my delivery and immediately took my blood pressure as I had every morning for the past three months.  It was then that I knew something was wrong.  Usually in the morning it is between 115-120/70 or 80s.  That day it was 142/84.  Even though it was a reading that was not in the danger zone for my blood pressure, I knew it was not normal for me.  I called my doctor's office to inform them, and they told me to sit tight and if any other symptoms came about, to come down to triage.  Sounded like a plan.

I continued about my day, but around 5 pm I became extremely dizzy and light headed.  A call was placed once again to my doctor's office and Mr. SB and I made our way down to triage at our hospital.

**Side Note** Even though my water didn't break and I was no where near delivering, Mr. SB still treated our trip to the hospital as though I was in active labor.  He drove like a maniac, almost plowed over some poor old lady in the elevator with a walker (he claimed she blended into the wall) and I was told to "hurry up and walk faster."  I thought this was hilarious.

Once in triage, my blood pressure numbers were high.  Again, not extremely high, but worse than what they were.  For the first time ever my labs were slipping as well.  Kidney function was getting worse and my platelet numbers were dropping.  After surviving over 8 weeks since my diagnosis, pre e was starting to rear its ugly head.

I was admitted to the hospital for overnight observation and was sent first thing on Tuesday morning for a growth ultrasound.  Little SB was measured to be 6 lbs and 14 ounces at 35 weeks and 3 days.  I knew at that moment they were going to push for delivery.

After my ultrasound as I had predicted, a few doctors came in to talk to me about my options.  They recommended delivery.  My labs were getting worse and although I was not in danger yet, it was around the corner (pre e can go from mild to scary pretty quickly).  They said that if I wanted, I could stick it out in the hospital and see how much my body could take, but that was not worth the risk to me and my baby.  I agreed to go in for an induction and a few hours later I was whisked away to labor and delivery.

Stay tuned for my next installment :)

Ups and Downs

Things are going pretty well over here in SB Land. I had my weekly doctor's appointment (went from twice a week to once a week). My blood pressure was 118/62 and there was trace levels of protein in my urine. No swelling, no weird vision. I fully understand that this can take a turn at any time, but I am hoping with two good doctor's appointments under my belt, this is more of an indication that I can make it to 37 weeks. Dr. B even suggested that I can take my appointments to twice a month now. I declined simply because of the fact that I am a spaz.

Speaking of being a spaz......

I had my second growth ultrasound two Saturdays ago. Since the diagnosis, they want to make sure the baby is still growing and getting everything he needs. So I go about once every 4 weeks to go and get him checked out now. Dude, our baby is getting what he needs and plenty more of it where that came from. HE IS BIG! In the 81st percentile for his growth and at 31 weeks he was weighing in at about 4.5 lbs. No surprise really. Mr. SB was an 8 pounder and I was a 9 pounder so to think our baby was going to small was pretty much a figment of our imaginations.

Well, during this appointment, I noticed the tech taking extra pictures of the baby's head (which by the way is measuring 4 weeks ahead!!!!) and measuring it. This let me into hysterics because I was convinced she was doing all of these measurements because the baby is brain damaged. Rational and logic aside (umm, her job is to measure - that's pretty much what we went in for), I was prepared to take in the bad news at my doctor's appointment. Needless to say, everything was fine and I will just add that instance to the list of why I will be the craziest mother on earth (If you are a hypochondriac, just wait until you get knocked up - then you have two people to obsess about).

However, pre e has not come without a few bumps in the road. I was in the ER twice in past week.

The first time was for high blood pressure that would not go down. Mr. SB and I went out for lunch and I don't know how to explain it but I just felt...off. We were going to go and finish up some baby shopping after, but I asked him to take me home - I didn't feel well. Once I got home, I took my blood pressure. It was sky effin' high. So I put my feet up, drank some water, and tested again - still high. Repeated this one more time and then called my doctor's office. They told me to come in.

Once in triage, my blood pressure went down to safe levels and all of my blood work came back normal. I was sent home with another 24 hour urine test to do (I'm such a pro at this now). My levels came back slightly elevated from last time, but nothing to be concerned about.

The second trip was because I am a little crazy and thought my water broke. I'm going to go all TMI on you guys here and tell you that holy mother of cats do I have a ton of discharge in my third trimester. Needless to say, my water is still in tact, but that didn't stop them from keeping me in triage for FOUR HOURS because my blood pressure was high (umm no shit - I thought my water broke). But I guess it is best to be monitored, and after a few blood tests and other blood pressure readings, I was sent home again.

Tomorrow I will officially be 33 weeks (which marks 6 weeks since my diagnosis of pre e). One week away from our first goal of 34 weeks and I must admit, it feels pretty good to have made it this far. Let's just hope that my body can endure this for 4 more weeks. Every day I am considering a blessing.

I'm going to leave this post on a positive note and say that I also had my baby shower this month. It was so cute! My cousin did a baby bird theme for me. Here are some pics:

Pre Eclampsia - I Has It

Hi All! Sorry to have been MIA - just have kind of been on a whirlwind of emotions that has to do with the title of this post.

At my 27.5 week appointment, I thought it was going to be a normal run of the mill appointment. Go to Dr. appointment, get told my blood pressure was a little high, hear Dude's heartbeat get sent home. Guess what? It didn't go that way.

Apparently the first blood pressure taken was so high they wouldn't even tell me the numbers. After the doctor came in and listened to the heart beat, he took it again and said it was still on the high side and sent me to triage (kind of like the ER for pregnant ladies) for a few hours to do rolling blood pressures. He told me he didn't think anything was wrong, but he wanted to be sure.

When I got to triage they hooked me up on all kinds of monitors and had my blood pressures taken. I was pulling high numbers - I was stressed out. They took blood to make sure my liver and kidneys were still functioning properly and took a pee sample to look at the protein levels.

The blood tests turned out fine, but the pee test showed my proteins were up to about 280. The cut off for pre eclampsia is 300. Due to the high blood pressure numbers I was pulling in triage (160s and 180s/80s) I won the prize of a night stay in the hospital. I had never stayed in the hospital overnight before so I freaked out a little bit more.

I did a 24 hour urine sample in the hospital and had my blood pressures taken every 4 hours. The BP came down significantly - in the 120/130 and a few in the 140 range, but the pee test came back at 320, so the diagnosis of pre eclampsia was given.

I was scared to be diagnosed so early. All I kept thinking was that I was going to have a premature baby at 28 weeks, which is terrifying. However, they said my condition was mild, but it could turn around at anytime.

Things I have to be mindful of:

1. Spots in front of my eyes (Can I tell you how many "spots" I think I see now? I'm almost positive I see them when I turn my head and come to find it is just a bug. I talked to my doctor about it and he said that those spots are normal - I'm sure he thinks I'm psycho)
2. Pain in my upper right quadrant (I have this all of the time on my right and left sides - especially when Dude is in my rib cage)
3. Headaches that are severe or don't go away (Want to know how many phantom headaches I have a day? Don't ask)
4. Nausea or vomiting (another symptom I've been having when Dude is doing back flips in my belly)

So ya, give a hypochondriac (me) a list of symptoms and I swear I have them all and that I'm going to die. My only saving grace is my blood pressure machine at home. I take it about 3 times a day (sometimes more because I'm a little obsessed with it) and record my pressures. They are almost never high when I'm at home which is a relief.

I guess I'm kind of on a modified bed rest. I don't really go anywhere except places where I know I can sit and much walking isn't involved and I work from home 4 out of 5 days a week now. Seems to be working.

I've went from 2 appointments a week back down to one since my BP on Tuesday was 122/60 and my proteins came back negative on the dip test (I had another 24 urine same the week before and levels were only up 30 points), so I'm feeling a little better. Although the terms "seizure" "stroke" and "premature baby" still tend to haunt me.

But for now, I guess I'm holding steady. I've had this for almost 4 weeks now and in 1 day, I will be 31 weeks pregnant. No blood pressure meds and no full bed rest. If Dude can hold out for at least 3 more weeks, I will be ecstatic - although I know he needs to cook longer than that.

Oh, and I have a new "due" date too. Since they won't let me go past 37 weeks, looks like I'm having the baby no later than May 19th. Yes, I'm having a baby next month. Four days after my 30th birthday to be exact.

Sounds like the best birthday present ever to me. Let's just keep praying for 37 weeks.

Second Trimester Recap

Well, I have one more day in my second trimester, so what better time than the present to give everyone a recap?

My second trimester started out uneventful (besides the pukes that seemed to linger longer than they should have), but has proven to be quite the spectacle.

But I'm going to start things off on a positive note. Here are the things I loved about my second trimester:

1. Being able to eat like a normal human again
2. Actually looking pregnant and not just like I gained some more fluff
3. Not wanting to choke someone because they burnt something in the toaster in our break room
4. I'll be honest here - the attention I got from everyone when I "came out"
5. Finding out I'm having a boy!
6. Feeling the little Dude's kicks for the first time
7. My doctor
8. Hearing the baby's heartbeat on the doppler for the first time


But second tri did not come without problems. Listed below are my issues:

1. High blood pressure. I'm pretty sure this started even before I went to a regular OB. Ever since 12 weeks, I have been about 140/70. Won't go up, won't go down. Minor swelling and no protein in the pee, but now I have to start taking my blood pressure from home two times a day and reporting back to my doctors office. I'm also scheduled for sonograms every six weeks to make sure he is growing correctly. Funny thing? I was always a 120/80 kind of gal. Everything about this pregnancy is stressing me out. Oh, the best part? The 24 urine test I had to do at 16 weeks. It was like pissing in a gasoline container all day.
2. Stretch marks. Seriously? I'm a frickin road map.
3. Fat legs and arms. Hi - why didn't anyone ever tell me that you gain weight EVERYWHERE not just your belly??? On the positive side - I do like my bigger ass.
4. Failing my one hour glucose test. Going back on Wednesday for the 3 hour. Hopefully I pass.


I'll keep everyone update on the blood pressure and glucose issues - cross your fingers and toes for me. See you in the third trimester!

I'm Finally Back.....

...............and knocked up.

Yep, after 4 miscarriages, I'm pretty sure I'm going to get my take home baby.

After my 4th miscarriage, I took a break from this blog and all things baby, for about a year. After coming home from vacation in July, I looked and Mr. SB and asked him if he wanted to give it the old college try again. If it didn't work this time, we would make our way to the Cleveland Clinic for IVF with genetic testing on the embryos - although deep down I know my heart couldn't take coming to that. Mr. SB agreed and I made a call to my RE that afternoon.

Our first cycle was in August. I upped my Clomid dose to 150 mgs (helllooo crazy!), and the cycle failed. My first only failed cycle with Clomid. Devil pills worked like a charm every time before. So, being the neurotic head case that I am, I convinced myself I couldn't even conceive anymore.

Next cycle was in September - 150 mgs again (poor Mr. SB).

10 DPO - nada

12 DPO - peed on stick, went in shower, washed hair, looked at stick, thought I saw 2 pink lines, thought my eyes were still "sleepy", jumped out of shower, woke up Mr. SB to confirm lines, lines confirmed by Mr. SB, phone call made to RE. Diagnosis? Pregnant.

The next few weeks was pretty much the hardest thing I have ever been through. Blood test after blood test to make sure the babe was growing. The first was the worst - especially since my beta was a mere 14. But 48 hours past, and it jumped to 110. Bingo.

And at 8 weeks I saw this, and was released from my RE:

To date, my most treasured picture. This is the little dude at 7 weeks 5 days with a strong heartbeat. One of my saddest days was saying goodbye to my RE's office, especially to Nurse K - who hugged me and cried with me when we found out I had miscarriage #4. Their last words to me were, "Make sure you send us a picture of your baby!", and my eyes instantly welled up with tears. It made it all seem so real - it was really happening - I was having a baby.

A few days after this picture was taken, morning sickness kicked in full force. Have you ever driven down a highway at about 65 mph, find yourself dry heaving and despite your best efforts can't find ANYTHING to puke into inside your car? And you find yourself praying to Baby Jesus that if he spares your freshly cleaned upholstery just this one time, you promise to never cuss, take a fake sick day or gossip (insert sin here) ever again? Well, that was a day in my life, and after that day, I never left home without my trusty puke bucket (pictured below):

I was one of those lucky broads that was sick for about 16 weeks. Not the oh, I kind of feel like I have bad heartburn sick, but the holy bajesus, I need to go to the bathroom now and oops I just puked on my pants kind of sick. I kept a peppermint teabag at my desk so I could just smell it when some idiot cooked fish or burnt popcorn in the break room. Ginger ale and saltines were my new besties that I couldn't go an hour without.

I also ate orange sherbert - a lot.

But as bad as it was, morning sickness gave me a great sense of security. If the dude wasn't growing, I wouldn't be hurling - so in a way I sort of appreciated it (not that I'd want it back or anything, but you know).

So this was a basic recap of my first trimester. I'll post again soon to recap the second (didn't want to make it too long).

Congrats to all my buds that are now pregnant (Diva, I'm looking at you!), and for the ones that aren't don't give up hope. You will all have your take home babies soon as long as you keep the faith.

Signing Off.....For Now

Its been a long time since I last posted. I kind of wanted to be out of the trying to conceive world as long as possible. I've been through a lot in the past 6 months, and as of right now, I am taking a baby break.

Gone are the days where I check for EWCM, wonder why my bubbies hurt and am peeing on every stick in sight. Also no more prenatals. And like Golden Bud said, I'm proud to report I can finally poop again like a normal human being. No more BDing to procreate, just doing the wild monkey dance because its fun again. And most importantly, not having my world revolve around making babies.

We actually had a pregnancy scare a few weeks ago. AF was MIA, I was exhausted and the teetas were extremely sore. We were scared. As the test line darkened, we both held our breath and prayed for only one line to show up (hi, are we 16 again?). Only one line did show its face, and as my luck would have it, AF showed up the very next day...she has impeccable timing (right after I shelled out $20 for a pregnancy test). Things have definitely changed in the SB household.

I may give this whole pregnancy thing a try in the summer, but as for now, I am signing off. Congrats to all of my Buds who are expecting their LOs and welcome to our new members. I will miss this blog and the positive impact it has brought to my TTC journey. Love you all!

XOXO SB

Getting Better

Hello, everyone. Just wanted to check in to let you all know I'm still alive.

Wow, what a depressing month it has been. But I have to admit, I am feeling better. Its probably been about a week since I have cried and I've been feeling a lot more like myself.

However, I have made the decision to go back on my antidepressants. I have been off of them for almost 2 years now because I was TTC. But right now, I need to jump back on that bandwagon. I am not myself and I am a little scared of the path I have been taking. I know the patterns and what they lead to, and it needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later.

FYI - TTC on happy pills is a no no. This is fine with me. I need some time to repair and recover both physically and emotionally. I have toyed around with getting back on BCP, but I just can't bring myself to do that yet.

Right now I'm going to focus on my diet, my emotional health and my marriage. No more obsessing about babies, miscarriages and peeing on sticks. A welcomed break.

I wanted to give a huge heart-felt thank you to all the Buds and readers here at Bloomin' Babies. The kindness and compassion you have shown to me has really touched my heart and has made me get through one of the most horrible times of my life. To the other Buds that are going through what I am, I hope you find comfort soon.

And to my dearest, darling Sunflower Bud - I am so, so happy and excited for you and wish you the happiest and healthiest 9 months anyone could have. God knows you deserve this.

Tough

I never thought I would say this, but I think this is the miscarriage that has finally broken me. Every day seems like a struggle, and is not left without some sort of tears being shed. I think most of this comes from the fact that I am still bleeding. We are almost reaching the 3 week mark, and I am reminded of my loss every day.

I finally passed tissue last night and immediately broke down into giant, unattractive, sobbing tears. Never did I think that 2 years ago when I decided to have a baby, that all of this heartache and frustration would be what was in store for me. I have spent my life trying to prevent unplanned pregnancies so I could further develop myself and my career - and after waiting so long, this is what I have to deal with? It just doesn't seem right.

We went to the High Risk Pregnancy Specialist on Monday and were told what we have always been told. All of your tests are normal, and because of that reason, we feel you will have a positive outcome. Really? Because I'm starting to lose hope of anything positive. They said they could not even classify me as high risk because I was losing pregnancies so early. This I do not understand.

I'm not sure where I want to go from here. All I can tell you is that right now? I am emotionally and physically exhausted. But what I do know is that I been pushing both my mind and body to the limits for the past 2 years and I think it is time for both of them to take a break.

I Hate Facebook

How is it that every time I miscarry, as soon as I sign onto Facebook a friend of mine has updated their profile picture with a sonogram picture and everyone is all OMG! Congrats! Are you pregnant? Is it a boy or a girl? When are you due? I've had enough.

I'll admit, I'm bitter right now. In the past I have half-heartily written my own congrats on my friend's Facebook wall, but this time I just cannot do it. Come to think of it, in the past I have done a lot. I have shopped for maternity clothes with friends, bought baby outfits, planned baby showers and marked on my calendar when they were finding out the sex because I thought that I just had to get over it and stop being so selfish. Now? I just cannot do it anymore.

Please don't misunderstand - I am very happy for my friends, but right now the wound is too fresh and I just cannot fake it anymore. To say I'm exhausted is an understatement. What it comes down to is this: In the past two years I have been pregnant a total of 4 times. And all I have to show for it is an extra 30 lbs, saggy bubbies and more heartbreak than anyone can imagine. I'm starting to lose faith, and I'm scared that I will never be able to carry a baby to term.

Mr. SB and I have an appointment next Monday (our anniversary! what a way to spend it.) with a high risk pregnancy specialist. We are going to see what they have to say. Our old doctor, whom I still adore, has done all that he can for us. He did his job. He got us pregnant. Now we need to move on to someone who can keep me pregnant.

We have decided that if our new doctor wants us just to try again without a new plan of action, we will move onto the next. I think it is silly to keep trying the same thing and expect different results (also the definition of insanity, I believe).

But right now I choose to be bitter. I choose to hate all things baby on Facebook and I choose to cry in front of others. I have always been perceived as being strong, unemotional and on occasions, have been accused of not having tear ducts. I realize now I cannot keep up this act anymore. I need to start being real.

#4

Well, the Betas are in and they are shit. I knew this was going to happen when I started spotting yesterday. Even though it was brown spotting, I knew what was coming. I've gone through it 3 times prior - I'm pretty much an expert!

So welcome miscarriage #4. You would think that I would be thrown a bone. At least one of these pregnancies should have been viable, right? Apparently not.

It is just so unfair. What a crock of shit it is that a financially stable, responsible, very much in-love couple cannot have a child. And I am just not saying this for me - I'm saying it for all of us that have been through or are going through this.

The thing that really gets me is that my body is perfect. Yes, I could afford to lose a few pounds, but that's about it. They have not been able to find a single thing that is medically wrong with me. I have had every test know to man done on me, and am surprised that I haven't been mistaken for a heroin addict, being that I have been a human pincushion for the past two years.

Wow, two years. Two years of trying to conceive only to end up with heartbreak in the end. Happy Anniversary to us.

I have an appointment with the RE next Wednesday. They are talking about shipping me up to The Cleveland Clinic for IVF with genetic testing.

I don't know what else to write. Infertility sucks.

The Little Beta That Could

Beta #2 is back. Not good news, but not necessarily bad.

HCG is at 67, progesterone at 17.5

They wanted to see it go up to 80, but the nurse told me that because the numbers are lower, sometimes there is a margin of error when they test the blood. In actuality, my numbers could be higher (yes, they could be lower too, but I'm trying not to think of that).

So I will go in on Tuesday to have my 3rd draw. They want my numbers to be around 220. That seems like such a large jump from 67, and it makes me extremely nervous.

My only symptoms right now are fatigue and sore BBs - no nausea and I'm still able to to go the bathroom (TMI?).

So again, its a waiting game for the most impatient girl in the world.

Affirmative

Beta #1 is in!

HCG is at 44 and progesterone is at 14. Since my progesterone is still pretty low, they have upped my dosage of devil pills to twice a day.

I go back on Friday for my second draw to see if my numbers double. They didn't the first time, and I'm scared to death it will happen again.

Right now its all about milestones. First, to make it past Friday. Then, to make it past 6 weeks. Finally, to be able to make it to December 20th when I will be in my second trimester.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up right now, but I am trying to be positive.

Here's hoping this is our sticky baby!

Official Retraction

I may need to retract my last post.

I think I'm pregnant.

I took a test, and there were definitely two lines there. Not to mention the symptoms I've been having that I have totally blamed on the progesterone - fatigue, sore BBs, mild cramping, lower back aches, gas and nausea.

I must have ovulated A LOT later than I thought. I have been off of progesterone for two days, which kind of makes me nervous.

I'm going to wait until Thursday and then test again - just to make sure it wasn't an evaporation line. Not calling my doctor yet either.

My first reaction? I cried. I'm so scared.

You Want Me To Put What, Where?

I just finished my progesterone supplements. And as much as I am an oversharer, I'm quite shy about my, ummm, Chucky.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that I did not take these by mouth. When the pharmacist described them as suppositories, I did a side-eyed double take. Ya, these were not to be taken by mouth, but put closer to where the baby would be (God bless the woman's heart who explained this to me).

You guys? I dont even use tampons unless absolutely necessary. I don't like My Chucky to be invaded.

Despite my apprehension, after the first night, I was fine with them...except for what transpired the next morning.

I'm going to do everyone a favor and not describe what happened the next morning - I'm sure you can use your imagination.

So, at 15 DPO I am not pregnant, and I stopped taking my progesterone. Ya, it is kind of a bummer not to be knocked up, but it is sweet relief to be rid of theose demon pill for just a little while - if only for the phatom symptoms they caused me (fatigue, sore BBs and mild cramping).

This cycle, because my progesterone was only at a 7, my doctor will be upping my Clomid dose to 150 mgs. I'm scared for Mr. SB.

I hate to say it, but I have a REALLY good feeling about this cycle. Even though My Chucky still isnt too keen on the progesterone supplements, I'm hoping that it will help us have our long awaited for take home babe.

He's Baaaaack

I'm scared.

Clomid Cycle #3

I've debated writing this post. I am usually not an emotional person, and do not wish to be portrayed as such. I view emotion as weakness, and for the most part, try to keep it at bay - especially in front of strangers.



However, I think it is time to come clean. I could just sit here and type to you matter of fact postings describing how crazy fertility drugs make me, but that is not the reason why I joined this blog. In my short 4 month here, I have come to see you all not as strangers, but as a supportive community. You have all shared your ups and downs with me, and I think it is time to share mine with you.



After AF decided to announce her presence (on her own this time, which is very out of character), I began Clomid cycle #3 on 100mgs of pure insanity.



This time? Was kind of anti-climatic. I was a little weepy the first night, and I continue to have a few hot flashes, but so far I have not been an emotional basket case nor have I spit my gum on the side of someones car because they cut me off in traffic (Wait, did I forget to tell you guys that story? Its probably for the best.). Basically, I have just been hanging out and FREAKING THE EFF OUT over becoming pregnant again.



I'm scared to death that if I become pregnant and lose a fourth pregnancy, it will be the one that breaks me. On the other hand, I feel like I cannot move forward with my life until I get past this hurdle. I feel like I have been stuck in a time warp, and when I think that we have been trying to have a baby for almost 2 years now, it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

Not to mention how much I feel like a failure. I feel like I am letting everyone down with my infertility. My poor husband - what did he do to deserve this?

Speaking of my poor husband, I think he knows more about the female reproductive system than any man ever wants to know. No man should know what EWCM is, let alone what it looks like.

So here I am, wallowing in my own pity, and moving forward without knowing if I should. However, if I always feared the unknown, I would be sitting alone, in my house, with approximately 10-15 cats (all of which I would be knitting socks for).

I think right now its best to take a chance. Because without chances, I think we all would become Crazy Cat Ladies.....and I'm not that great of a kniter anyways.

Diagnosis: Crappy Luck

Lesson learned - always go with your gut feeling. There was a reason why I felt uncomfortable about my new RE.

On Monday, I spotted - just once - and it never came back. It was way too early for my period, so I immediately thought this was implantation bleeding and had a minor freak out (and by minor I mean major because I'm not one for surprises or things that aren't planned for). I called my new RE and asked about the progesterone supplements just in case I was pregnant. And do you know what I was told? I was told that they do not assist patients who become pregnant on their own.

Nope, no need to go back and re-read that sentence, you read it right.

And if that statement was not bad enough, I was also told that the doctor would call me back, but not today because he was on vacation. If I didn't receive a call back by Friday, the nurse instructed me to call them. You know, just in case I was "lost in the shuffle."

Again, no need to re-read. True story.

When situations arise such as this, I have to remember that I am a grown up and have to conduct myself in a "mature" manner, not like a member of The Bad Girls Club. And let me tell you, it took everything I had to not flip out on this poor, unsuspecting nurse and tell her what a crock of crap that practice was. I instead, thanked her for her time and immediately set up an appointment with my old RE to go over the information I was given with my second opinion (woo hoo! grown up status has been achieved!).

And just as I suspected, every single test the Second Opinion RE wanted to do on me was not necessary. Dr. T just kept repeating, "It wouldn't hurt, but its not necessary." It was nice to know that my current doctor is more concerned about keeping me pregnant than getting a fat payout.

So, I'm back with Dr. T and will start my Clomid again this cycle (hold onto your butts, readers). My TTC hiatus has officially ended only after 2 months (but 10 lbs gone!). I'm ready to give this another shot and feel like I am both physically and mentally ready.


Let the baby making (and keeping) begin.

Second Opinion

I had my first appointment with my new RE on Thursday. I think it would the understatement of the year to say that I felt overwhelmed. I spoke with both a younger doctor and the doctor I made the appointment with. They were very thorough and explained things to be very well. However, I still feel uncomfortable.



In all honesty, I don't think my apprehension has anything to do with doctors anymore - I think I'm just sick of dealing with this and sick of how it is consuming me. Oh, and I'm also sick of being a human pincushion. I believe I have been poked and prodded more this year than the Pillsbury Dough Boy himself.



However, unlike Poppin' Fresh, I don't enjoy it as much (and I don't giggle when it happens , its more along the lines of "I can't look at the blood you are about to draw because I will cover the walls of this place with vomit and then pass out.").



So without further adieu, here are the tests that will be run on Mr. SB and I - in list form because even though I'm not a Type A, I feel as though lists give me a handle on the chaos that is my infertility.



1. Seman Anaylsis
I questioned this one because hey, I'm able to get knocked up so why do we need this? They explained that sometimes an abnormal sperm will fertilize the egg and because of the abnormality, it will result in a miscarriage. They will take Mr. SB's sperm and do what they call a swim up (I laughed out loud at the name of this...Hi, I'm apparently 13). If some are abnormal, they will take the normal ones and do an IUI with me.

2. Glucose Intolerance Test
Because of my PCOS, they want to test my insulin levels beyond a simple blood test. Apparently my blood tests were on the higher side of normal (ummm did I mention that no one told me this?!), so they want to take it a step further. I'm excited because I get to drink that big sugar drink (I'm a sugar fanatic. Fun Dip is my BFF).

3. A round of antibiotics after my period
In case there in an infection, this will clear it up. Therefore, eliminating this possibility.

4. Estradiol, FSH and a Transvaginal Ultrasound on day 3 of my cycle.
Shockingly enough (please note sarcasm), my old OB did not test me for these on the correct day of my cycle, so they will need to be done again.

5. HSG
This was questioned as well because again, I'm able to get pregnant. The doctor told me that maybe only one tube would be open. I'm still wondering if I want to do this or not.

So this is where we go from here. During the appointment, it crossed my mind that hey, maybe this guy is preying on my infertility. So because I am never the one to sit out the sidelines (or shut my mouth), I called him out. Probably not the best thing to do since this will be the guy that will be poking me with needles, but I've never been the quiet, shrinking violet and I wasn't going to start now.

And what he said made sense. He said that I came to him to get answers, and he wants to test me for everything he thinks could possibly give me those answers. I accept this explanation.

So, if all comes back well, we start back on Clomid with Progesterone supplements and baby aspirin. This also satisfies me, as I have been pushing for the progesterone supplements with my old RE after M/C #3. Further down the line, if things still aren't working out, they will do IVF with hand-selecting the embryos.

I'm happy to have another plan of action, but still in the back of my mind I'm wondering if I am being taken advantage of. I'm opening the floor to your opinions. Let me know if you think this guy is being thorough, or just trying to get more money from my insurance company.

And The Verdict Is.....

I cried at work today.

This is a big no-no in SB land. I work at a very fast paced, stressful job (and oddly enough I LOVE it!) and I have convinced myself that showing any emotion at work will label me as weak, and I will be preyed upon by upper management.

After having lunch with a few co-workers and I looked down at my phone and saw a missed call from my RE's office. I knew this could only mean one thing.....our karyotype results were in.

Commence freak out.

I tried to reason with myself and thought that I would just listen to the message when I left work. That thought lasted for a wopping 2 minutes when all I could do was just stare at my computer screen. I went into the hallway and dialed my voice mail, leaning up against the wall preparing for the worst.

The message was from one of the nurses who simply said to "call her back."

Commence anxiety shit show.

I walked outside and sat down on one of the benches by our pond. I figured that I would have to be sitting down when I heard the bad news. I mean really, if it was good news she would have left a message saying so, right? RIGHT?!

My hands were shaking and my voice was trembling when I asked to speak to the nurse. And when she said "Hi SB, how are you?", I heard doubt in her voice.

Or so I thought.

As it turns out, our chromosomes are totally normal. No balanced translocation, no weird genetics, just perfect chromosomes for baby making. And in that moment, the weight of the world was taken off of my shoulders.

I returned to my desk still shaking, and while staring at my computer screen (I really do work at work - promise) I started to cry. I cried tears of joy for the first time in almost 2 years. Having a happy, healthy pregnancy finally seemed attainable to me, and that feeling absolutely consumed me.

I was told to call the RE's office the first day of Aunt Flo, but I told them no thanks. I'm still on my break. My mind and body need time to heal, because the past 2 years have been hard on both of them.

What I didn't tell them was I was going to seek out a second opinion. Right now I'm on the search for a new RE to see what insight they can offer me. I have made a decision to not stop until I get answers or a healthy baby.

There still is a long road ahead for us, but for once, I feel there is hope.