September 30, 2009
This month we were not able to BD too close to ovulation because Mr. Bud was very sick after coming home from a business trip, BUT we did BD 3 days before ovulation just like we did the month we got our BFP so this is why I'm keeping some hope that we might have a chance this month. AND there was a beautiful Implantation Dip on 7 DPO. Here is my chart for this cycle: If you are a VIP member of www.FertilityFriend.com you have access to the Chart Gallery and You are able to compare your to others, over lay your chart to ones that are similar to yours and are able to search through thousands of charts. This is so dangerous and so misleading, you see some perfect charts and some that look just like yours and you start to over analyae everything!!
Hopefully this is our month, and will have a sticky thanksgiving turkey in the oven.
September 29, 2009
But did I listen to myself? Of course not! I made it through the morning of 7 DPO without my usual heavy spotting. I got giddy Monday morning thinking that the clomid actually did something and maybe this was our month. But then I went to the bathroom around 2 PM, and hello...there it was. Bleeding that is heavy enough for a tampon, that would make me think AF is starting if I didn't chart and know that my temp was still up, that makes me certain that this is NOT the month. It is so hard to deal with this again.
So, cycle 8 here we come. I had already scheduled an appointment with my RE for this Friday (hoping I would be able to cancel with a BFP) so at least I can go in and talk with her about what we tried this month and what we will change for next month.
September 28, 2009
In other news, my fellow 1WW (1 week wait) sistah on the internet message board I frequent - we joke about our 1WW b/c we have both had short LP issues since being off BCPs... hers have not been quite as bad as mine, but short nonetheless - just got a very faint line this morning, but I saw it in the pic she posted...it was faint, but there & you know what they say: "A line is a line"! We are all 99.99% sure (waiting on a blood test to confirm) she got her BFP this morning after several months of short LPs & recently being put on Prometrium to supplement her progesterone levels. I was SOOOO 'effing happy to see that from her b/c it seriously gives me hope! Congrats woman, you know who you are! OH how I hope it's that simple a fix for me too & I get whatever drug I need to fix my LP & we get KU soon!
Also, I went to watch the season premiere of Desperate Housewives last night with my 19 weeks pg BFF (they all seem to be new mommies or KU except me of course....or maybe it's just how I feel right now)...she finds out what the sex is this Friday! I am so happy for her & she has had such a rough time with being sick thru out the pregnancy that this is actually the first time I have seen her since early June (before she even knew she was pg). And of course, she is starting to get a little bump, which is so freakin' adorable! This is not her, but a good example of about how big her bump is:
Part of me wishes I wasn't charting because in all honestly, ignorance is bliss, right?? Maybe something weird is happening and cycle #4 will be another anovulatory cycle and then what do I do? We aren't actively TTC, but at that point would I suspect that something wasn't right?? Or is charting literally making me crazy to the point where I am irrationally afraid of not O'ing before an anovulatory cycle has even occurred? Maybe it is actually a great thing to know this all now, so that when we DO TTC, I can have a better idea of how often I ovulate? And maybe I WILL O in two days and then all of this worry was for nothing. Three words: MESSED UP HEAD.
September 27, 2009
Maybe "Fitness" isn't the best descriptor, but I believe that fitness (for me) compliments health, happiness, and being a well-rounded person. So Fitness Bud it is. This is my quest to be a fit wife, a fit mother, and a fit ME.....and I don't totally know what this all means yet. I do believe that we are how we see ourselves. Perception is reality. I DON'T want to see myself as any less than the best I can be, because I have wasted too many years doing that. Every day is a struggle, but when I look in the mirror, especially going forward as a wife and a mother, I want to know that I am the best version of myself that I know how to be.
Mr.Fitness Bud and I are currently TTA, but are hoping to TTC within the next few months. We had some things that we wanted to accomplish first and most of them have happened with the exception of me finding a job in my field and me investing in the healthy and fit routine that I had left by the wayside. So I have been spending the last couple of months doing just that. There is still no headway on the job front, but I am getting stronger and healthier all the time. It is coming in baby steps but I still need to recognize my progress. I think that when I write, it will be a lot about health, a bit about the job search, and of course, just to keep things interesting, the status of my sex life and my uterus. Stay tuned and hopefully in the next several months we will be awaiting the arrival of Baby Fitness Bud!
September 26, 2009
I do I have to say that I was a little disappointed at first but I won't be next time because now I know what to expect!
First of all, if you are a 1st time mom (within the last 12 months) and have never been, you can sign up online for their pre-sale events... 1st pick of everything!
Second, don't go until you know the sex of your baby. Otherwise you really can't shop for clothes because while you can pick through it all to find those "gender neutral" items, everything is separated by boy/girl.
Third, if you are looking for specific or in demand items and can't take advantage of the pre-sale, you must get there 1st thing on the 1st day. I was looking for big furniture items but went on the second day and later in the afternoon so there was only a total of 3 cribs left, 4 changing tables and no dressers left. None of which were cute. Boo! :(
I wandered around this expo center for a good 2 hours checking out the clothes, shoes, blankets, strollers, toys... etc! All I came out with was a set for $13 which included 5 onsies (brand new tag says $22!), a receiving blanket, and two sleeper shirts. Check it out!It was my very first purchase since we found out that we were expecting so it was very exciting for me! I wish Mr. GB was not out fishing with the boys tonight so I could show them off... soon enough! At this point I am feeling like Baby GB is destined to wear only green and yellow! How do people plan without finding out the sex???
Anyway, the next JBF event that I'll be attending is the end of November over in the Seattle area, I'll be able to register for the pre-sale to get there early - and I'm going with my mom so it should be fun. It'll be our first baby shopping trip together! Also, we should know the sex by then so I'll be able to actually SHOP!
September 25, 2009
Because this is all we've ever known in our generation, it got me thinking how they did things way back when - you know - before HPTs even existed. My mom began having her kids (there are 6 of us) back in the 60s. I asked her how it worked back then. I was shocked to hear that these poor, poor women had to wait to miss three periods before they could go to the doctor and confirm pregnancy. THREE! Sometimes I think I'm going to die waiting 3 or 4 weeks to get an answer. I can't even begin to imagine the agony of waiting three months.
On the other hand, one could argue that waiting so long - and not using HPTs - is a blessing in disguise. For those of us who have had the unfortunate experience of a chemical pregnancy, you might know what I mean. I won't say knowing I had nearly succeeded (I mean the sperm FERTILIZED my egg!) is something I wish I hadn't known. It was just weird to think that had I been taking this journey 40 years ago instead of now - things would have happened quite differently. My period would have just been a little late and that would have been that.
So, ladies, I leave you with these thoughts. Sometimes technology is a blessing - we get to be really impatient and pee on sticks at home as often as we want (or can afford to!). But also, it can cause us some pain and heartache because we actually get to see what we're losing. In some cases, like mine, I got to watch it fade away . . . while knowing I couldn't do anything to bring it back. I guess each of our generations have downsides.
Good luck to all my girls in the 2ww right now. I hope it goes by quickly and painlessly for all - and with at least a few babies to show for it!
So while I'm in my 2WW, which is driving me nuts, I think of all the things I want.
- First and foremost - I want to be pregnant
- I want to go to BRU and shop, not for a friend or relative, but FOR MYSELF!!
- I want to look at nursery furniture and think of cute baby things
- I want to come up with a list of future baby names but I try not to think that far down the road.
I'm quickly becoming bitter and jealous and its not good for me or anyone around me.
But, I have to remind myself of the bright side - I have less than a week until I visit the RE for our consultation appointment. I am a little fearful and anxious as to what the next steps will be. I'm also anxious to hear what may be causing our issues. I've been patient this far, so I really don't have that much longer to go. I'll just try to be patient with myself and the calender. Once again, I'm wishing my life away and I don't like that ONE BIT.
Happy Fall Everyone!
Until next time,
P.S. Have a great weekend everyone!
September 24, 2009
When I got there my appointment didn't quite go the way I envisioned. I got to go pee in a cup (yay will get to do this every time) and then got taken back to the exam room and had my vitals taken. Then the nurse steps out and I get to strip naked and sit on the table in my little johnny and paper sheet. Midwife comes in to examine me and lecture me on all sorts of stuff. Like don't be around smokers and don't drink caffeine. Also she tells me for every hour I am in the car I need to stop and get out for 10 minutes. Well my drive to work is about an hour and 10 minutes, she says you still need to get out don't go the extra 10 minutes just leave earlier. I am already leaving my house an hour and a half before I have to be to work. I am gone an average of 11 hours for an 8 hour shift.
So then they decide that I get to have my flu shot while I am there. My arm is still smarting from it right now. I also get the lovely news that I get an H1N1 shot next visit, well I am probably going to be opting out of that one. They did not try and find the baby's heartbeat at this appointment so I was a bit disappointed.
I did find out that my 3 hour glucose test came back fine so that was good news.
So now we are waiting again. 4 weeks until the next appointment waiting, wondering if everything is going ok.
I am a little bit jealous and envious of the girls who have already had ultrasounds at 6-8 weeks but I am hoping and praying that everything is going well and continues to be that way.
Along these same lines, this week Mr. Hopeful Bud came into the house and said, "I think we should go on a mission trip. We are so blessed and I really think this is something that we should do to give back." I went to Honduras a couple years ago on a mission trip and I can whole-heartily say that it was a life-changing experience in more then one way. I would love for Mr. Hopeful Bud and I to share in a similar experience. So I think part of my calmness also comes from the idea that maybe we are meant to take this trip before we get our BFP because once we do it wouldn't be safe for me to go to a third-world country.
I say all this today with a calmness in my heart. Tomorrow or months from now I could have a completely different tone. We have been TTC for nine months and I am still hopeful that it will happen in God's timing.
So, this week has been our first bedroom adventures without the added protection of Mr. Rubber Bubber.... (LOL! I just cracked myself up with that one!) ....EVER! I don't know if I even thought about the difference I would feel. Not talking about the actually physical feelings, just the emotional ones! I love Mr. Brainy Bud and sex went off as normal, but laying there afterwards....well, I had a thousand and one things run through my mind that it was difficult to sleep.
"Why didn't I think to get a towel previously?"
"I'm already nervous about being pregnant, what was I thinking?"
"How will I feel if I become pregnant?"
"Will my family be happy or concerned when they find out?"
"How does Mr. BrainyBud feel about all of this? I wonder what he's thinking?"
"Is it supposed to feel this iky?"
And I could go on, and on, and on, but these are the honest thoughts that ran through my head! I have to keep telling myself that I have to go through this to get that wonderful baby we've planned so hard for. I just hope that these "feelings" get better to understand, even if I cannot handle them.
I have to ask... Does everyone feel this way?
Faith, Love, and Baby Flutters
Mrs. Brainy Bud
September 23, 2009
I've had problems the past year with ovarian cysts. My doctor says that this shouldn't cause problems TTC, but, we have yet to get pregnant so I'm skeptical. I had it drained back in September, then was put on BCP to keep it at bay. I was first on Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo, then, it filled back up by the end of December. We were monitoring it with ultrasound, and, he put me on a higher hormone pill. The cyst was continuing to grow, instead of shrink, so I had to have surgery to have it removed. He did that in March without damaging my ovary (thank God!) and told me I'd be fine by May to start TTC (which was when we were thinking because we had a trip to Germany planned and wanted to wait until after that).
I took my last pack of birth control while we were on the trip. My first cycle TTC was a bit of a nightmare. I had a really long cycle and kept getting BFNs. I then had some cramping and spotting around CD 40 so decided to test again. I got a BFP! I scheduled an appt. right away because of the cramping and spotting, and the history of cysts. He got me right in that Monday and did bloodwork. Of course I didn't stop peeing on sticks and my BFP started to disappear. I freaked out Tuesday thinking I imagined it . . . then started reading peeonastick.com and was convinced it was an evaporation line. Wednesday, I woke up with AF. I spent the whole day calling the office trying to get the results of the blood work because I wanted to figure out what happened. My beta level was 8.6, so, it was a chemical pregnancy. They did repeat blood work and it went back to normal. I was definitely disappointed that this happened, but, I knew it was unlikely that I would get pregnant in the first cycle anyway. Also, because I ended up getting so confused (thank you peeonastick.com!) I had talked myself into thinking I’d imagined the BFP from the beginning – that it was a mistake all along. When I got AF and the news that it was a CP – I had an easier time moving on because I hadn’t had enough time to really get excited and feel pregnant. So, you could really say it was gone before it even started.
My cycles since then haven’t really stabilized. I'm on cycle #4 but month #5. I'm not doing charting or using OPKs. DH wants us to remain "casual" for right now. I tend to go a bit batty near the expected end of my cycle because I want to know what's going on. Our philosophies on this differ for right now. If I don't have any luck this cycle I'm going to talk to him about it again and see. I think I might want to start charting.
I also have another cyst. The doctor said this time it is "simple" - which I take to mean there was something weird about the last one I had. He told me TTC will help, so, I'm just doing what I was doing before. I have pain sometimes which sucks, but, I'm hanging in there. I have a repeat ultrasound scheduled for October 15th so we'll see what's going on at that point. My goals are to start communicating better with my doctor. I find he goes too fast and doesn't always fully inform me. I need to prepare myself before each appointment and make sure I get all my questions answered. I'm on CD 19 right now, so, my goal with that is to remain calm for the rest of my cycle, BD every other day, and hope for the best. I'm going to try not to pee on any sticks until CD 29 which is how long my shortest cycle was. I will most likely fail at this . . . I can’t resist peeing on a perfectly good stick any chance I get.
So . . . that's it. I continue to try to be patient while we wait for our time to come. Some days it’s easy and I feel great. Other days, I want to rip my hair out. Today is a good day. I will let you know how tomorrow goes . . .
Thanks for reading!!
DH: you ok?
DH: nervous about today
Me: u? or me?
DH: are you ready to be a mom?
DH: me too. I see baby all the time in my head
DH: when do we start testing?
Me: sometime in October?
DH: are we starting tonight?
DH: ok just let me know
How unromantic, but cute at the same time! :) I have to admit though that the night of this conversation, it didn't happen because I was scared to death and tried to show Mr. BrainyBud that I was "in the mood" but obviously he got it wrong and went to bed, then I got mad, and it was one extremely difficult night with lots of emotions....
Faith, Love, and Baby Flutters
September 22, 2009
I am actually really torn on what I should do about this. Part of me says to just take the plunge & see if I can get in with this other OB/GYN, part of me says to wait it out maybe just one more cycle since my GYN DID tell me to be off the pill @ least 1 cycle before TTC, which I never really gave myself, so technically it would really be cycle #3 TTC I am on now. Yet another part of me says to wait it out & see what happens in the next 3 months - I really did just recently get off the pill & I lost weight while on it - about 40 lbs total. I read in TCOYF that women who lost weight while on hormonal BC usually take a bit longer to regulate after stopping BC.
One thing you should know about me is that I am VERY, I mean extremely indecisive. I will make up my mind about something, then change it 10,897,564 times in a day, or even in an hour. LOL. Another thing, I'm sorta stubborn...sometimes to a fault. So today, before I left work, I had decided I would at least try & call other Drs. to see if I could get in for an initial consultation, but then I had my usual 1.5 hour commute home on our Nation Capital's wonderful Metro
*DC Metro - I commute on here 3x a week*
I had thought that the beginning of this cycle that I didn't really have much hope...the RE wants to switch my meds and from my u/s at my last appointment my lining and follicles didn't look that great. I was already looking ahead to next month and cycle 8...starting fresh with a new doctor, new meds, more visits to check that everything was working. But now that I am right past ovulation, I am getting my hopes up again. I keep thinking it could happen this month. I just had the HSG and fertility increases after that procedure. If I get pregnant this month, I will save so much money by not having to keep seeing the specialist. My due date would be June 14, which is exactly a year after my best friend's had their babies (6/3 and 6/16) and wouldn't it be fun to have birthday parties for all our kids together one day. I don't want to do this to myself...be hopeful and optimistic and then be crushed when it doesn't happen. But I just can't help it...I want to be hopeful and I want to be optimistic. I just need to figure out how to not be devastated if this isn't our month.
I never thought I'd be here.
11 months ago, I imagined ditching the condoms... and a few months later, PingOAS and finding some cutesy way to tell DH that I was knocked up.
Here I am. Monthly supply of tampax intact, "Conquering Infertility" by Dr Alice Domar (more on this book and Alice Domar's Mind/Body Connection in my next entry) on my nightstand, St Gerard medal around my neck and a Hamsa being hung above our bedroom window.
I've done wiccan chants, burned custom candles and have had more theology discussions than my DH (with 12 years of catholic school) or I (with 8 years of hebrew school) had ever thought were possible.
I'm a cynic. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm afraid. I'm hopeful. I'm worried. I'm bitter.
I'm so bitter.
Male factor infertility. It's such a joke. The factor may be his but infertility is ours. I'm the one not getting pregnant. I'm the one buying the freakin' tampax.
I know he feels bad when I get my period... because I get like this. And I cry. Believe me I cry. I try not to - and I try to hide it when I do. But it's not that easy.
I know he feels responsible. But so do I. Because I'm the one not getting pregnant.
Cycle 11. How did I get here?
Today is Little Faith Bud's Birthday!!! I can't quite believe that my baby is now 6. Time has flown by that's for sure!
This cycle my chart was following the exact pattern from my last BFP cycle so I knew I was going to O either on Sunday night or Monday. Plus I have been drinking Green Tea which I noticed an increase of cm around my O date.
Here is my chart overlay, The green line represents the BFP month and the Purple line represents this month. Its following the exact same pattern...
We BD On Friday, but I do not think his little guys survived all the way until Sunday/Monday.
I have been waiting for this day for a while and planning it out and already hoping that the 2ww would hurry up and pass so that I can poas and hope to see 'Pregnant', but since Mr. Bud was out sick we would have to wait for the next cycle.
Truthfully I was really sad and down all Monday that we were not going to try but I had snap out of it really quick and realize that Mr. Bud is not my Sperm bank/Sex Machine/Baby making tool. Right now I had to put this on hold and take care of him, don't get me wrong the thought of tying him down and jumping on him did cross my head but this is a special moment for both of us.
Sometimes we get baby making in our heads and do nothing but think of this and want this and if something gets in the way destroy it and I was doing this all Sunday night and Monday. I even realized that I was giving him an attitude on Monday, which was so wrong of me... Its not his fault that he got sick.
September 21, 2009
Yep - got my period...at 4 DPO. The B6 helped lengthen my LP by.....drum roll please...1 day. I'm not sure if it was even the B6 or if it was just my body's randomness. And man is AF here in full force - I have had the heaviest bleeding & most painful cramps since coming off BCPs in June. Uggh, it's just so depressing. I try not to be down, I try to tell myself it's fine, it's only my 3rd cycle & I was on BCPs for 12 years on & off, and it's just my body re-adjusting to being off of BC. I told myself after my last pitiful LP that if cycle 3's LP was still alarmingly short then I'd call my Dr. & try to get in for an appointment to discuss how to correct my apparent Luteal Phase Defect (LPD). So that's what I did this morning - despite this being the BUSIEST time of year at work, I took time out today & called my Dr. because this is just soooo much more important to me than anything else right now. I decided to leave a message for the nurse before just making an appointment. I was pleasantly surprised when the nurse asked to see my charts from my last 3 cycles. It made me happy that it seemed like she took my concern seriously and that she was supportive of charting (I hear some Drs. are not). So I faxed my charts over and she said after a nurse reviews them then they will give me a call back to discuss my appointment options, so I am expecting a call tomorrow! I am so happy that I went ahead and called & am hoping that we can find something to help me out here!
On another note - I love Mr. Worry Bud soooo much! He is so incredibly supportive & has been so great to me while I work through my emotions on this whole thing! I just feel so lucky to have a husband who loves and supports me no matter what (& no matter how annoying I am or talk about babies)! He is truly a wonderful man & I know he is going to make an amazing father one day!
The good news is (I'm trying to be optimistic) - everything I have read about LPDs say that it's nothing to be too concerned about - that it is normally very simple to correct and that is very common after coming off hormonal BC, so I am hoping all of that is true! You can find more information on LPDs at babyhopes.com; this is a helpful article I found that explained it all a bit better to me. I'll keep everyone updated on what my Dr. says & hopefully I am one step closer to what all of us Buds want - a BFP & healthy baby!
September 20, 2009
Me- I will be ovulating on your 30th birthday
Him- Great Babe!!!
Me - Does that mean that we don't have to TTA
Him- Sure Babe, I don't want to pull out on my birthday. Oh, and I won those ebay things.
September 19, 2009
September 18, 2009
has just began. I know that I should O any day now but my cycle has been all out of whack since the m/c. If I o on the 16Th day like my other normal cycles that means I will o on Monday, which is a great thing since Mr. Bud and I are usually home all Sunday and have plenty of time to make a baby :)
Since I'm not to confident on knowing what day I o I purchased some OPK 's from Amazon to help me pin point the day. However last night I have heard some mixed reviews from other girls saying they never saw a + OPK. Great.
I also started drinking green tea as of Wednesday and I did notice a lot of cm the first day but nothing else since.
I really hope my body gives me some hints when I ovulate some cm, a + OPK.. ANYTHING!!!
Have a wonderful weekend!
Next week we start back with our MOPS group. I'm curious to see how many new pregnancies will be announced. Our group tends to always have at least two or three pregnant ladies. One of my closest friends, who happens to also be in the group, is in her final weeks of pregnancy for her second child. I can't wait to hear that her little girl is here. One of the nicest things about the group is that we bring new moms meals for a week or two.
I'm still waiting to O, but I've been too busy to really think and/or worry about it. I didn't end up starting to use my CBEFM because I have no idea where I put it. We used it to conceive Little Daisy Bud #1 and when he was a couple months old (and I was scared to death at the thought of getting pregnant again) I put it away somewhere "safe" for next time around. Hopefully it will turn up soon.
Mr. Brainy Bud: "So... Monday is ...." (he starts counting on his fingers) "1...2....3....4! 4 days away!"
Me: "Yes, and I'm terrified enough as it is! You don't have to have your whole body go through a huge change, all you have to do is have fun!"
Mr. Brainy Bud: (still with that goofy smile) "I'm here for ya babe"
I swear if he wasn't so darn adorable, I would have beat the grin right off his face! LOL!
Side Note: Monday is slated to be my first "possibly fertile" days since TTC on Cycle #1.
Faith, Love, and Baby Flutters
Mrs. Brainy Bud
September 16, 2009
The whole pregnancy calculation thing is weird to me since up until I got KU I always thought a woman was pregnant for 9 months. Well that's just not true because in actuality it's 10. Joy right? This is because really calculation starts from the first day of your last menstrual period (LMP)... for the two (approximately) weeks after that you aren't even pregnant! Kind of nice to start with two weeks down already!
Anyway, hopefully I'll have more to report soon as I start showing and start SHOPPING! Can you believe I haven't bought ONE thing yet??? I'm glad all the other Buds are keeping busy and for the most part getting good news to keep our readers entertained! Congrats to Dandelion Bud and Chef Bud on recent developments in their journey!
So, without further adieu (seems I've started a fruit trend for myself) here's what Baby GB is up to this week!
Baby's now the size of a plum!
As you move into the second trimester, baby shifts into the growth and maturation stage. After weeks in the critical development stage, almost all of her systems are fully formed.
On a side note: Last week we were a lime and for some reason to me a lime seems bigger than a plum? Anyone else with me? Just a thought...