September 30, 2009

8 weeks!!!

We had our first appointment on Monday & everything was great. Baby Faith Bud had a strong & healthy heart beat of 170 bpm. Our little gummy bear is growing just like he should. The ultrasound was so emotional for Mr Faith Bud and I. We both shed a few tears. It was such a relief for us to know that our little angel is healthy and that all is well. Here is a picture of our little angel!

I am so excited!

Haha, not this kind of excited!

OK, so maybe I am being incredibly naive, but this first cycle TTC has been so exciting. All I can think about is that I might be making a baby at this very moment... eeeeeee how exciting!

We have been BDing like two high school kids dating. It has been really fun, too. Mr. SB told me the other day that he never wants me to take BCP ever again because my sex drive has been so high. Little does he know, it's really because I have an agenda (j/k hehehehehe).
Anyway, I am on CD 15 and I am almost positive that I ovulated either yesterday or Monday and once I get cross-hairs from FF, I will officially be in my first 2WW. I can't wait to see how it pans out. I know that there is a big chance that I won't get pregnant, but there is always a chance that I will ;)

Can't wait to let you know what happens!!
P.S. Tomorrow is Mr. SB's 30th Birthday. Wouldn't that be the best birthday present ever?

False Symptoms

We are in the 2WW and for any little symptoms I have or feel I keep thinking its because I might be pregnant. With my last BFP I did not have any symptoms until 2-3 days after the positive pregnancy test around 16 DPO. This week I have been dead tired and have had major migraines though out the day. I had stopped drinking coffee but I lately I really need that morning picker upper and still am dragging.

This month we were not able to
BD too close to ovulation because Mr. Bud was very sick after coming home from a business trip, BUT we did BD 3 days before ovulation just like we did the month we got our BFP so this is why I'm keeping some hope that we might have a chance this month. AND there was a beautiful Implantation Dip on 7
DPO. Here is my chart for this cycle: If you are a VIP member of www.FertilityFriend.com you have access to the Chart Gallery and You are able to compare your to others, over lay your chart to ones that are similar to yours and are able to search through thousands of charts. This is so dangerous and so misleading, you see some perfect charts and some that look just like yours and you start to over analyae everything!!

Hopefully this is our month, and will have a sticky thanksgiving turkey in the oven.

September 29, 2009

Not Getting Excited in the 2WW - Lesson #127

I don't know why I did it to myself again this month. I told myself I was going to stay cool and stay calm, always keeping in mind that it's been 6 long cycles with no BFP and that I shouldn't read into anything that much. That I should plan and prepare for the worst (a BFN) so that I wouldn't get too upset.

But did I listen to myself? Of course not! I made it through the morning of 7 DPO without my usual heavy spotting. I got giddy Monday morning thinking that the clomid actually did something and maybe this was our month. But then I went to the bathroom around 2 PM, and hello...there it was. Bleeding that is heavy enough for a tampon, that would make me think AF is starting if I didn't chart and know that my temp was still up, that makes me certain that this is NOT the month. It is so hard to deal with this again.

Photo Credit


So, cycle 8 here we come. I had already scheduled an appointment with my RE for this Friday (hoping I would be able to cancel with a BFP) so at least I can go in and talk with her about what we tried this month and what we will change for next month.

September 28, 2009

Just hanging out & hanging in there...

Today I'm on CD 9....still taking the B6, drinking green tea & just hanging out...waiting to O. I would really love it if my LP would correct itself, but I'm so impatient that I do NOT wanna wait for that. If you remember in my last post I was trying to figure out whether I should try to go to another GYN & get a 2nd opinion on waiting it out 3 more months before going in about my short LP, or if I should just wait it out & hope hope hope my GYN was right. Well the day after I posted that & after much thought, I decided to go ahead and call my PCP to go in for my annual physical & try to see if they would give me a few blood tests I wanted. Well when I called to make the appt. the receptionist asked if I needed a pap smear & I said no, but I was surprised b/c I either: a) never knew my PCP also provided GYN services, or b) I forgot. So I told the receptionist that I'd like to speak with the Dr. about reproductive concerns though & she said that I could absolutely talk to my Dr. about that at the appt. My appt. is October 9th & I can't wait! When I go in I am going to ask that my progesterone, iron & thyroid levels be checked. I am hoping that whatever the problem is, it is something that can easily be fixed & that I get a BFP soon. Please pray for me that my Dr. is proactive & doesn't want to make me wait the next 3 months out like my GYN does...I would love to get a BFP before the end of this year, perhaps around the holidays - what a Christmas gift that would be!

In other news, my fellow 1WW (1 week wait) sistah on the internet message board I frequent - we joke about our 1WW b/c we have both had short LP issues since being off BCPs... hers have not been quite as bad as mine, but short nonetheless - just got a very faint line this morning, but I saw it in the pic she posted...it was faint, but there & you know what they say: "A line is a line"! We are all 99.99% sure (waiting on a blood test to confirm) she got her BFP this morning after several months of short LPs & recently being put on Prometrium to supplement her progesterone levels. I was SOOOO 'effing happy to see that from her b/c it seriously gives me hope! Congrats woman, you know who you are! OH how I hope it's that simple a fix for me too & I get whatever drug I need to fix my LP & we get KU soon!

Also, I went to watch the season premiere of Desperate Housewives last night with my 19 weeks pg BFF (they all seem to be new mommies or KU except me of course....or maybe it's just how I feel right now)...she finds out what the sex is this Friday! I am so happy for her & she has had such a rough time with being sick thru out the pregnancy that this is actually the first time I have seen her since early June (before she even knew she was pg). And of course, she is starting to get a little bump, which is so freakin' adorable! This is not her, but a good example of about how big her bump is:


Photo Credit

I am so happy for her, especially since she had some early spotting & was worried about m/c, but I am a little sad for myself since she & I had always said that we wanted to get pregnant together. It's not completely out of the question, but we would be pretty far apart even if I got KU in the next few months...and I guess God had other plans in mind for me, so I am just praying that he blesses Mr. Worry Bud & I with a baby soon. In the mean time, I will keeping hoping & praying with everything I have in me that God sees fit to bless us with a little one soon! Stay tuned...hopefully the next few weeks will bring good news!

Charting Gives Me a Headache!

Despite the fact that we are currently TTA, I decide to ditch bcp back in the end of June, and have been charting since then. I am about halfway through my 4th cycle charting and I have definitely developed a love/hate relationship with my chart. The first 2 months, I LOVED my chart! It was clear that I had text-book cycles, I definitely O'ed, and the whole AF scenario was pretty much perfect. Then, cycle #3 showed up and suddenly everything became a whole lot less certain. My chart was all over the place, I apparently didn't O, I was having phantom pregnancy symptoms, and AF showed up early and lasted about 8 days from start to finish which is a good 3-4 days longer than normal! I chalked it up to a fluke and got on with charting cycle #4, and for some reason I am feeling totally unsettled about this cycle as well. Everything is wonky. No CM at all. NOTHING. Temps all over the place, and absolutely no signs of O yet, even though based on cycles 1 & 2, O should be happening tomorrow or the next day. And suddenly I am afraid.

Part of me wishes I wasn't charting because in all honestly, ignorance is bliss, right?? Maybe something weird is happening and cycle #4 will be another anovulatory cycle and then what do I do? We aren't actively TTC, but at that point would I suspect that something wasn't right?? Or is charting literally making me crazy to the point where I am irrationally afraid of not O'ing before an anovulatory cycle has even occurred? Maybe it is actually a great thing to know this all now, so that when we DO TTC, I can have a better idea of how often I ovulate? And maybe I WILL O in two days and then all of this worry was for nothing. Three words: MESSED UP HEAD.

When Life Gives You Lemons

One of my favorite quote pre-Baby GB was one I once heard on the Blue Collar Comedy tour from Ron White (the sweaty, whiskey drinking, cigar smoking one of the four):

I BELIEVE, when life gives you lemons -
go find someone whose life gave them vodka and have a party!!! :-)

Obviously I'm singing to a different tune these days but I couldn't help but laugh when I got my reminder e-mail from thebump.com that I was today, 14 WEEKS!



Baby's now the size of a lemon!

Your adorable little fetus is busy with thumb sucking, toe wiggling, (not so cute but equally amazing) making urine, and breathing amniotic fluid as the liver, kidneys, and spleen continue to develop. Lanugo (thin, downy hair) is growing all over her body for warmth.

September 27, 2009

Getting nervous

for Little Daisy Bud #1. I really need to get my annual physical set up. The last one I had was a week before I got my BFP. At that appointment the doctor had discussed the possibility of having polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).  Because I ended up pregnant that cycle (after 9 months/6 cycles of trying) we never ended up following up on diagnosis. Since it doesn't seem to be getting any easier to conceive Little Daisy Bud #2, I'm concerned.

Intro - Fitness Bud!

Who is Fitness Bud?? Once I tell you, you may think the name is a bit misleading. No, I am not a marathon runner, I don't eat all organic and whole foods, and I am not built like Dara Torres during the Olympics. Who I AM is someone that wants to have a baby. Someone who thinks that having a healthy lifestyle before bringing children into the world is important. Someone who is health-conscious but really just wants to be a better overall ME so that in the process I can be a better wife and mother for as many days as God gives me.

Maybe "Fitness" isn't the best descriptor, but I believe that fitness (for me) compliments health, happiness, and being a well-rounded person. So Fitness Bud it is. This is my quest to be a fit wife, a fit mother, and a fit ME.....and I don't totally know what this all means yet. I do believe that we are how we see ourselves. Perception is reality. I DON'T want to see myself as any less than the best I can be, because I have wasted too many years doing that. Every day is a struggle, but when I look in the mirror, especially going forward as a wife and a mother, I want to know that I am the best version of myself that I know how to be.

Mr.Fitness Bud and I are currently TTA, but are hoping to TTC within the next few months. We had some things that we wanted to accomplish first and most of them have happened with the exception of me finding a job in my field and me investing in the healthy and fit routine that I had left by the wayside. So I have been spending the last couple of months doing just that. There is still no headway on the job front, but I am getting stronger and healthier all the time. It is coming in baby steps but I still need to recognize my progress. I think that when I write, it will be a lot about health, a bit about the job search, and of course, just to keep things interesting, the status of my sex life and my uterus. Stay tuned and hopefully in the next several months we will be awaiting the arrival of Baby Fitness Bud!

September 26, 2009

The 1st baby purchase!

If you haven't heard of or been to a Just Between Friends sale yet - it is a must!

I do I have to say that I was a little disappointed at first but I won't be next time because now I know what to expect!

First of all, if you are a 1st time mom (within the last 12 months) and have never been, you can sign up online for their pre-sale events... 1st pick of everything!
Second, don't go until you know the sex of your baby. Otherwise you really can't shop for clothes because while you can pick through it all to find those "gender neutral" items, everything is separated by boy/girl.
Third, if you are looking for specific or in demand items and can't take advantage of the pre-sale, you must get there 1st thing on the 1st day. I was looking for big furniture items but went on the second day and later in the afternoon so there was only a total of 3 cribs left, 4 changing tables and no dressers left. None of which were cute. Boo! :(

I wandered around this expo center for a good 2 hours checking out the clothes, shoes, blankets, strollers, toys... etc! All I came out with was a set for $13 which included 5 onsies (brand new tag says $22!), a receiving blanket, and two sleeper shirts. Check it out!It was my very first purchase since we found out that we were expecting so it was very exciting for me! I wish Mr. GB was not out fishing with the boys tonight so I could show them off... soon enough! At this point I am feeling like Baby GB is destined to wear only green and yellow! How do people plan without finding out the sex???

Anyway, the next JBF event that I'll be attending is the end of November over in the Seattle area, I'll be able to register for the pre-sale to get there early - and I'm going with my mom so it should be fun. It'll be our first baby shopping trip together! Also, we should know the sex by then so I'll be able to actually SHOP!

CANNOT WAIT!!!

September 25, 2009

Did they call it the Three Month Wait (or, 3mw)?

The Two Week Wait (or, 2ww) is something that we've all faced on this (sometimes) difficult journey of trying to conceive. This period I refer to is, of course, the time we have to wait after ovulating to find out if this cycle was successful. Some, myself included, will start using those wonderful home pregnancy tests as soon as 8 days after ovulation. OK, so, I personally don't ever know when I ovulate, because I don't track it, so all I know is I start using the HPTs well before I should. I waste a LOT of money peeing on sticks.

Because this is all we've ever known in our generation, it got me thinking how they did things way back when - you know - before HPTs even existed. My mom began having her kids (there are 6 of us) back in the 60s. I asked her how it worked back then. I was shocked to hear that these poor, poor women had to wait to miss three periods before they could go to the doctor and confirm pregnancy. THREE! Sometimes I think I'm going to die waiting 3 or 4 weeks to get an answer. I can't even begin to imagine the agony of waiting three months.

On the other hand, one could argue that waiting so long - and not using HPTs - is a blessing in disguise. For those of us who have had the unfortunate experience of a chemical pregnancy, you might know what I mean. I won't say knowing I had nearly succeeded (I mean the sperm FERTILIZED my egg!) is something I wish I hadn't known. It was just weird to think that had I been taking this journey 40 years ago instead of now - things would have happened quite differently. My period would have just been a little late and that would have been that.

So, ladies, I leave you with these thoughts. Sometimes technology is a blessing - we get to be really impatient and pee on sticks at home as often as we want (or can afford to!). But also, it can cause us some pain and heartache because we actually get to see what we're losing. In some cases, like mine, I got to watch it fade away . . . while knowing I couldn't do anything to bring it back. I guess each of our generations have downsides.

Good luck to all my girls in the 2ww right now. I hope it goes by quickly and painlessly for all - and with at least a few babies to show for it!

What I Want

I've been bad at blogging lately - I apologize.


So while I'm in my 2WW, which is driving me nuts, I think of all the things I want.


  • First and foremost - I want to be pregnant
  • I want to go to BRU and shop, not for a friend or relative, but FOR MYSELF!!
  • I want to look at nursery furniture and think of cute baby things
  • I want to come up with a list of future baby names but I try not to think that far down the road.
Obviously, I want several things that seem to be within my grasp but somehow always seem to slip away and I HATE IT! 


I'm quickly becoming bitter and jealous and its not good for me or anyone around me.


But, I have to remind myself of the bright side - I have less than a week until I visit the RE for our consultation appointment.  I am a little fearful and anxious as to what the next steps will be.  I'm also anxious to hear what may be causing our issues.  I've been patient this far, so I really don't have that much longer to go.  I'll just try to be patient with myself and the calender.  Once again, I'm wishing my life away and I don't like that ONE BIT.


Happy Fall Everyone!


Until next time,
Sunshine Bud


P.S.  Have a great weekend everyone!

September 24, 2009

We have a bump!!

It really is true you "pop" sooner with baby #2! I feel like there is actually a bump now & not just fat! Here is a pic from week 6 and a pic take today.




Waiting to Ovulate Pretty Much Sucks.

It's been said before that waiting to "O" is just annoying. I have to agree. When we were TTA, it was "when do I ovulate so that we can do what is necessary to avoid?" Now it is "when do I ovulate so that we can do what is necessary to make a baby?" That last thought is a lot more stressful than the first. You want to make sure you do everything right - eat right, sleep right, fornicate right, EVERYTHING needs to be just so.

However, I will say that charting is really something I enjoy. I enjoy knowing exactly what is going on with me. I enjoy seeing my chart fluctuate and give me signs. I enjoy knowing that my body does some weird things.

It's funny what us girls go through to make a baby and what guys don't go through. Women who TTC methodically have to make sure to temp and chart correctly. We have to make sure to have sex on the correct days and time everything just right. What do men have to do? SEX, that's what they have to do. If your husband is anything like mine, he really ejoys sex-anytime, anyday, anywhere, so this is no big deal to him. He is really lucking out that we are TTC because he is getting so much that he doesn't know what to do with himself (TMI, sorry).

Don't get me wrong, I am NOT complaining by any means. I am so excited at the thought of TTC and the idea that I could possible get pregnant this cycle. I really enjoy sex with Mr. SB and I really try hard to not think about sex as a "deposit" and to think of it as sex with my wonderful husband.


I am on cycle day 9, so I guess sometime within the next week or so I will be ovulating. I guess, anyways. Maybe? Oh hell I don't know. Ugh, why is TTC so complicated?

Always waiting for something

So yesterday I had my 10 week appointment (well 9.5 weeks) and was all excited going in because at my 1st appointment the nurse told me they would likely try to find our little buds heartbeat on Doppler.

When I got there my appointment didn't quite go the way I envisioned. I got to go pee in a cup (yay will get to do this every time) and then got taken back to the exam room and had my vitals taken. Then the nurse steps out and I get to strip naked and sit on the table in my little johnny and paper sheet. Midwife comes in to examine me and lecture me on all sorts of stuff. Like don't be around smokers and don't drink caffeine. Also she tells me for every hour I am in the car I need to stop and get out for 10 minutes. Well my drive to work is about an hour and 10 minutes, she says you still need to get out don't go the extra 10 minutes just leave earlier. I am already leaving my house an hour and a half before I have to be to work. I am gone an average of 11 hours for an 8 hour shift.

So then they decide that I get to have my flu shot while I am there. My arm is still smarting from it right now. I also get the lovely news that I get an H1N1 shot next visit, well I am probably going to be opting out of that one. They did not try and find the baby's heartbeat at this appointment so I was a bit disappointed.

I did find out that my 3 hour glucose test came back fine so that was good news.

So now we are waiting again. 4 weeks until the next appointment waiting, wondering if everything is going ok.

I am a little bit jealous and envious of the girls who have already had ultrasounds at 6-8 weeks but I am hoping and praying that everything is going well and continues to be that way.

Trying to stay calm through the wait

Last week I thought I was half way through the dreaded 2WW, but then the evil FF decided to change my ovulation date by four days, so NOW, "I think", I am half way through this waiting game. I've been trying really hard not to over think every "symptom" or "feeling" but I'm only human. I just wish my symptoms were the same every month so that I will stop getting my hopes up. Last cycle I had extremely sensitive nipples (which was new for me) so I started thinking "maybe it's a pregnancy sign." This week my whole boobs have been sore every morning, so now I'm thinking "maybe it's an early pregnancy sign." Despite these "symptoms" and the change in O date, I feel surprisingly calm this cycle. The only thing I can contribute this new calmness to is my faith. I've been spending more time in prayer and with people who are praying for us. I take comfort in knowing that God already knows our Little Hopeful Bud's name, birthdate and everything about him or her. It is not for me to know when we will be blessed with this miracle. I can only wait and prepare my body, heart, and head for this blessing.

Along these same lines, this week Mr. Hopeful Bud came into the house and said, "I think we should go on a mission trip. We are so blessed and I really think this is something that we should do to give back." I went to Honduras a couple years ago on a mission trip and I can whole-heartily say that it was a life-changing experience in more then one way. I would love for Mr. Hopeful Bud and I to share in a similar experience. So I think part of my calmness also comes from the idea that maybe we are meant to take this trip before we get our BFP because once we do it wouldn't be safe for me to go to a third-world country.

I say all this today with a calmness in my heart. Tomorrow or months from now I could have a completely different tone. We have been TTC for nine months and I am still hopeful that it will happen in God's timing.

Does Everyone Feel This Way?

Image Source

So, this week has been our first bedroom adventures without the added protection of Mr. Rubber Bubber.... (LOL! I just cracked myself up with that one!) ....EVER! I don't know if I even thought about the difference I would feel. Not talking about the actually physical feelings, just the emotional ones! I love Mr. Brainy Bud and sex went off as normal, but laying there afterwards....well, I had a thousand and one things run through my mind that it was difficult to sleep.

"Why didn't I think to get a towel previously?"
"I'm already nervous about being pregnant, what was I thinking?"
"How will I feel if I become pregnant?"
"Will my family be happy or concerned when they find out?"
"How does Mr. BrainyBud feel about all of this? I wonder what he's thinking?"
"Is it supposed to feel this iky?"

And I could go on, and on, and on, but these are the honest thoughts that ran through my head! I have to keep telling myself that I have to go through this to get that wonderful baby we've planned so hard for. I just hope that these "feelings" get better to understand, even if I cannot handle them.

I have to ask... Does everyone feel this way?


Faith, Love, and Baby Flutters
Mrs. Brainy Bud

September 23, 2009

Not much to report

So I've been a little MIA lately. Not much to report. AF finally came after 60 + days. Mr. Rosebud and I are officially ttc again. I am temping again and am on cycle day 13. I hope O comes soon. I feel that at least I am trying again instead of just playing the waiting game of AF's arrival. I really hope that it happens for us soon and to every bud on this blog who are trying as well.

Hi!!!

Hi . . . I’m Book Bud! I'm 27, Mr. Book Bud is 31. We've been married for 4 years. Mr. Book Bud is in finance and really wanted to be sure we had some financial stability before we started TTC. Although my body was telling me something different, my brain was telling me he was right.

Photobucket



I've had problems the past year with ovarian cysts. My doctor says that this shouldn't cause problems TTC, but, we have yet to get pregnant so I'm skeptical. I had it drained back in September, then was put on BCP to keep it at bay. I was first on Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo, then, it filled back up by the end of December. We were monitoring it with ultrasound, and, he put me on a higher hormone pill. The cyst was continuing to grow, instead of shrink, so I had to have surgery to have it removed. He did that in March without damaging my ovary (thank God!) and told me I'd be fine by May to start TTC (which was when we were thinking because we had a trip to Germany planned and wanted to wait until after that).



I took my last pack of birth control while we were on the trip. My first cycle TTC was a bit of a nightmare. I had a really long cycle and kept getting BFNs. I then had some cramping and spotting around CD 40 so decided to test again. I got a BFP! I scheduled an appt. right away because of the cramping and spotting, and the history of cysts. He got me right in that Monday and did bloodwork. Of course I didn't stop peeing on sticks and my BFP started to disappear. I freaked out Tuesday thinking I imagined it . . . then started reading peeonastick.com and was convinced it was an evaporation line. Wednesday, I woke up with AF. I spent the whole day calling the office trying to get the results of the blood work because I wanted to figure out what happened. My beta level was 8.6, so, it was a chemical pregnancy. They did repeat blood work and it went back to normal. I was definitely disappointed that this happened, but, I knew it was unlikely that I would get pregnant in the first cycle anyway. Also, because I ended up getting so confused (thank you peeonastick.com!) I had talked myself into thinking I’d imagined the BFP from the beginning – that it was a mistake all along. When I got AF and the news that it was a CP – I had an easier time moving on because I hadn’t had enough time to really get excited and feel pregnant. So, you could really say it was gone before it even started.



My cycles since then haven’t really stabilized. I'm on cycle #4 but month #5. I'm not doing charting or using OPKs. DH wants us to remain "casual" for right now. I tend to go a bit batty near the expected end of my cycle because I want to know what's going on. Our philosophies on this differ for right now. If I don't have any luck this cycle I'm going to talk to him about it again and see. I think I might want to start charting.



I also have another cyst. The doctor said this time it is "simple" - which I take to mean there was something weird about the last one I had. He told me TTC will help, so, I'm just doing what I was doing before. I have pain sometimes which sucks, but, I'm hanging in there. I have a repeat ultrasound scheduled for October 15th so we'll see what's going on at that point. My goals are to start communicating better with my doctor. I find he goes too fast and doesn't always fully inform me. I need to prepare myself before each appointment and make sure I get all my questions answered. I'm on CD 19 right now, so, my goal with that is to remain calm for the rest of my cycle, BD every other day, and hope for the best. I'm going to try not to pee on any sticks until CD 29 which is how long my shortest cycle was. I will most likely fail at this . . . I can’t resist peeing on a perfectly good stick any chance I get.

So . . . that's it. I continue to try to be patient while we wait for our time to come. Some days it’s easy and I feel great. Other days, I want to rip my hair out. Today is a good day. I will let you know how tomorrow goes . . .

Thanks for reading!!



What WAS I Thinking!?

Well, this week we began our TTC journey. It started out with the cutest text message conversation...

DH: you ok?
Me: yea
DH: nervous about today
Me: u? or me?
DH: you
Me: yea
DH: are you ready to be a mom?
Me: yes
DH: me too. I see baby all the time in my head
Me: aww
DH: when do we start testing?
Me: sometime in October?
DH: are we starting tonight?
Me: maybe
DH: ok just let me know


How unromantic, but cute at the same time! :) I have to admit though that the night of this conversation, it didn't happen because I was scared to death and tried to show Mr. BrainyBud that I was "in the mood" but obviously he got it wrong and went to bed, then I got mad, and it was one extremely difficult night with lots of emotions....

Image Source

We ended up forgiving each other of course, but then I felt very reluctant to start all over again. I mean, come on, it was already an uphill roller coaster to muster up the courage (over a year's time) to start TTC, now I have to find the courage in less than 24 hours? It was all too much to handle. Why does this have to be so darn hard?


Faith, Love, and Baby Flutters
Mrs. Brainy Bud

September 22, 2009

Hopes Dashed

In my last post I talked about my crazy short LP & how I called my Dr. When I left off, I was waiting on a call back from the Dr. after reviewing my charts. Well they did & they called me back today - the final verdict? To wait it out - yep, just wait, at least 3 more months. She told me to that's it's a bit too early to start being concerned about any issues when I have only been off BCPs for 3 cycles. I told my girls on the internet message board I frequent & they suggested I go talk to another GYN or an RE. I tried to make excuses for why I couldn't do that - all the offices in my area have long waits or aren't accepting new patients, but they weren't having it! I got a recommendation from one of the women who lives in my area for her OB/GYN, and it seems like a very proactive practice!

I am actually really torn on what I should do about this. Part of me says to just take the plunge & see if I can get in with this other OB/GYN, part of me says to wait it out maybe just one more cycle since my GYN DID tell me to be off the pill @ least 1 cycle before TTC, which I never really gave myself, so technically it would really be cycle #3 TTC I am on now. Yet another part of me says to wait it out & see what happens in the next 3 months - I really did just recently get off the pill & I lost weight while on it - about 40 lbs total. I read in TCOYF that women who lost weight while on hormonal BC usually take a bit longer to regulate after stopping BC.

One thing you should know about me is that I am VERY, I mean extremely indecisive. I will make up my mind about something, then change it 10,897,564 times in a day, or even in an hour. LOL. Another thing, I'm sorta stubborn...sometimes to a fault. So today, before I left work, I had decided I would at least try & call other Drs. to see if I could get in for an initial consultation, but then I had my usual 1.5 hour commute home on our Nation Capital's wonderful Metro & had even more time to second guess my decision. It can be a gift & a curse - the metro - it sometimes gives me too much time to fight myself over life decisions....and I have made plenty on this here method of public transportation, lol!


*DC Metro - I commute on here 3x a week*
Photo Credit

When I got home Mr. Worry Bud & I took a drive to pick up some take out & we discussed the options. He thinks I should either go to a new GYN or to my primary care physician (PCP) & at least get the blood tests done I am concerned about so that I can have peace of mind. I am actually due for a physical & I am sure they will be drawing blood at that time, so it wouldn't hurt to ask them to test my progesterone & iron levels. So as of right now, that's the plan - to get those two things checked out at my normal physical & if there are irregularities then I will re-adjust my plan to figure out what my next step is. I am going to remain on B6 throughout this time & continue charting my cycles. All I know is that I am pretty much willing to do whatever it takes to get pregnant with a healthy baby at this point, so I am going to pray really hard tonight that God hears me & helps calm my heart & grants my prayer for a happy, healthy baby soon. Wish me luck & send any spare thought & prayers you have my way!

Unofficially in the 2WW

I made it to the 2WW. I don't have crosshairs on FF yet, but I expect the next two days to bring higher temps, and an O date of 9/21. I know most people dread the 2WW, but I am so happy once it gets here. For me, it's harder being in the beginning of the cycle and the uncertainty of waiting to O. Plus trying to time sex just right, and knowing you have your short span of time to get it all right to make a baby. I guess it doesn't help that I spend over two weeks from the start of AF until ovulation, and only have 9 or 10 days in my 2WW. With my spotting issues I always think that if I make it to day 8 with no spotting there really could be a chance. So a week from today I could be a very excited girl!

I had thought that the beginning of this cycle that I didn't really have much hope...the RE wants to switch my meds and from my u/s at my last appointment my lining and follicles didn't look that great. I was already looking ahead to next month and cycle 8...starting fresh with a new doctor, new meds, more visits to check that everything was working. But now that I am right past ovulation, I am getting my hopes up again. I keep thinking it could happen this month. I just had the HSG and fertility increases after that procedure. If I get pregnant this month, I will save so much money by not having to keep seeing the specialist. My due date would be June 14, which is exactly a year after my best friend's had their babies (6/3 and 6/16) and wouldn't it be fun to have birthday parties for all our kids together one day. I don't want to do this to myself...be hopeful and optimistic and then be crushed when it doesn't happen. But I just can't help it...I want to be hopeful and I want to be optimistic. I just need to figure out how to not be devastated if this isn't our month.

Thoughts upon becoming a bitter infertile....



I never thought I'd be here.

11 months ago, I imagined ditching the condoms... and a few months later, PingOAS and finding some cutesy way to tell DH that I was knocked up.

Fast forward.

Here I am. Monthly supply of tampax intact, "Conquering Infertility" by Dr Alice Domar (more on this book and Alice Domar's Mind/Body Connection in my next entry) on my nightstand, St Gerard medal around my neck and a Hamsa being hung above our bedroom window.

I've done wiccan chants, burned custom candles and have had more theology discussions than my DH (with 12 years of catholic school) or I (with 8 years of hebrew school) had ever thought were possible.


I'm a cynic. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm afraid. I'm hopeful. I'm worried. I'm bitter.

I'm so bitter.

Male factor infertility. It's such a joke. The factor may be his but infertility is ours.
I'm the one not getting pregnant. I'm the one buying the freakin' tampax.

I know he feels bad when I get my period... because I get like this. And I cry. Believe me I cry. I try not to - and I try to hide it when I do. But it's not that easy.

I know he feels responsible. But so do I.
Because I'm the one not getting pregnant.

Cycle 11. How did I get here?

FUIF.

Doing the 13 Week Happy Dance!

And what a better day to hit the 2nd Trimester than MY BIRTHDAY! WOOT WOOT! :-)

Ok ok - I won't be celebrating my birthday too much today. One - because we are trying to save every penny. And two - because well, I'm KU! In recent past birthdays, they've went out in style! Extravagant dinners with all my friends - champagne and all! Well - sparkling cider just isn't the same! So I think maybe this year I'll just lay low. Mr GB offered to make me a nice dinner at home and told me I can pick between getting the Ugg Boots I've been wanting since last Sept.22nd. (I know we're saving right?) Or getting my hair did! :-) The controversy of getting my hair dyed while KU still stands but I got the ok from Dr. C now that the 2nd Tri hit and as long as the fumes don't make me ill I'm ok. I haven't decided what I want more?! Suggestions anyone?

Regardless, I'm definitely psyched about hitting the 2nd Tri. A lot of the worries I had went out the window but with those now I have others. I always thought that 9 months would drag on and I'd feel like I was pregnant forever but so far, it's flown by and now I feel like I haven't done a dang thing to prepare! I keep saying we are waiting to find out the sex... which is still over a month away! Also, I thought I'd magically feel different when I hit the 2nd Tri - like a light switch all my energy would come back and I would feel normal again. Well, that just doesn't happen, at least it hasn't as of today.I doubt I'll feel normal for a good while now but I have learned though that I get A LOT more tired in the afternoons if I haven't drank enough fluids. So as long as I stay hydrated I can usually ward off needing that afternoon nap - as long as I get to bed before 9. :-)

I really can't complain though - I sailed through the 1st Tri without an ounce of morning sickness. I really give some kudos to those of you who it hit bad - I have a girlfriend who's only a week behind me and she's still in the toilet every morning. I have set a new goal though since I do technically have a little more energy during normal waking hours. The gym membership that I've been ignoring has to get more use to justify keeping the expense. So, my goal is to go walk on the treadmill or the elliptical 3 times per week. Period.

Oh and I almost forgot - today is my favorite day of the year for another reason! Today at precisely 5:18 EST it is officially FALL! The best and my favorite time of the year!

SO - HAPPY 2nd TRI, GLOW BUD'S BIRTHDAY, FALL - to each and every one of you today!

7 weeks!!!

Today marks the start of 7 weeks pregnant. I feel like we have reached a milestone! I have never been pregnant this long, except for with Little Faith Bud. After our scare last week I spoke with the dr yesterday who assured me everything is fine. They cancelled the ultrasound and we will go in at our regularly scheduled appointment next Monday. I can't wait to see our little monkey again!

Today is Little Faith Bud's Birthday!!! I can't quite believe that my baby is now 6. Time has flown by that's for sure!

This cycle can bite the dust....

Mr. Bud came home from a business trip feeling under the weather and ended up with having a fever all Sunday and Monday. He was so sick, boogers were flying everywhere the poor thing. All I could do is spray Lysol on everything!

This cycle my chart was following the exact pattern from my last BFP cycle so I knew I was going to O either on Sunday night or Monday. Plus I have been drinking Green Tea which I noticed an increase of cm around my O date.

Here is my chart overlay, The green line represents the BFP month and the Purple line represents this month. Its following the exact same pattern...

We BD On Friday, but I do not think his little guys survived all the way until Sunday/Monday.

I have been waiting for this day for a while and planning it out and already hoping that the 2ww would hurry up and pass so that I can poas and hope to see 'Pregnant', but since Mr. Bud was out sick we would have to wait for the next cycle.

Truthfully I was really sad and down all Monday that we were not going to try but I had snap out of it really quick and realize that Mr. Bud is not my Sperm bank/Sex Machine/Baby making tool. Right now I had to put this on hold and take care of him, don't get me wrong the thought of tying him down and jumping on him did cross my head but this is a special moment for both of us.

Sometimes we get baby making in our heads and do nothing but think of this and want this and if something gets in the way destroy it and I was doing this all Sunday night and Monday. I even realized that I was giving him an attitude on Monday, which was so wrong of me... Its not his fault that he got sick.



Now when I think of Mr. Bud all I can think about is him being my...


Off to the next month!

September 21, 2009

Well that sucked....

Yep - got my period...at 4 DPO. The B6 helped lengthen my LP by.....drum roll please...1 day. I'm not sure if it was even the B6 or if it was just my body's randomness. And man is AF here in full force - I have had the heaviest bleeding & most painful cramps since coming off BCPs in June. Uggh, it's just so depressing. I try not to be down, I try to tell myself it's fine, it's only my 3rd cycle & I was on BCPs for 12 years on & off, and it's just my body re-adjusting to being off of BC. I told myself after my last pitiful LP that if cycle 3's LP was still alarmingly short then I'd call my Dr. & try to get in for an appointment to discuss how to correct my apparent Luteal Phase Defect (LPD). So that's what I did this morning - despite this being the BUSIEST time of year at work, I took time out today & called my Dr. because this is just soooo much more important to me than anything else right now. I decided to leave a message for the nurse before just making an appointment. I was pleasantly surprised when the nurse asked to see my charts from my last 3 cycles. It made me happy that it seemed like she took my concern seriously and that she was supportive of charting (I hear some Drs. are not). So I faxed my charts over and she said after a nurse reviews them then they will give me a call back to discuss my appointment options, so I am expecting a call tomorrow! I am so happy that I went ahead and called & am hoping that we can find something to help me out here!


Photo Credit


On another note - I love Mr. Worry Bud soooo much! He is so incredibly supportive & has been so great to me while I work through my emotions on this whole thing! I just feel so lucky to have a husband who loves and supports me no matter what (& no matter how annoying I am or talk about babies)! He is truly a wonderful man & I know he is going to make an amazing father one day!

The good news is (I'm trying to be optimistic) - everything I have read about LPDs say that it's nothing to be too concerned about - that it is normally very simple to correct and that is very common after coming off hormonal BC, so I am hoping all of that is true! You can find more information on LPDs at babyhopes.com; this is a helpful article I found that explained it all a bit better to me. I'll keep everyone updated on what my Dr. says & hopefully I am one step closer to what all of us Buds want - a BFP & healthy baby!



September 20, 2009

Being Pregnant is SCARY



I have been a really bad blogger lately. We have had a really eventful past few days so here is the Cliff notes version. Thursday night I started having some bad cramping & a little bit of spotting. Because of the miscarriages in the past I completely lost it. I called my Dr's office & they told me I could either go to the ER that night or wait and call them back in the morning. Since Mr. Faith Bud was out of town working and it was just me and little Faith Bud I opted to wait until the next day. Well I called my Dr the next morning and they were not able to get me in so they suggested I go to the ER. I headed that way and spent about 6 hours in the ER. They did another HCG quantitative where they discovered my HCG levels were 56,000. At the high range for 6 weeks pregnant, which is where we are. They wanted to do an ultrasound to make sure baby was OK as well. They also established that I was extremely dehydrated so I was lucky enough to get an IV. The ultrasound showed baby measuring right on and I was able to see our little monkey. His heart was beating at 129 bpm, which is pretty good/normal for 6 weeks. They released me with a diagnosis of Threatened Miscarriage with instructions to make an appointment with my OB/GYN ASAP for follow up. They also put me on bed rest & pelvic rest until I was released by my OB/GYN. So it's been a really emotional weekend. A lot of ups and downs but I am feeling pretty optimistic right now. I haven't had any spotting since Friday which is a great thing. With our previous m/c's the bleeding only got worse. My m/s also returned this morning. I have been trying to take it easy and drink a lot of water. We are praying that tomorrow the baby is still thriving and growing! We are trusting God to keep our little monkey safe and healthy.

Good Bye TTA, Hello TTC!

Well, Mr. SB gave me the go-ahead and we are going to start trying to make a baby this cycle.

The conversation went like this (all through texting, of course):

Me - Guess What
Him-
What?
Me-
I will be ovulating on your 30th birthday
Him-
Great Babe!!!
Me - Does that mean that we don't have to TTA
Him- Sure Babe, I don't want to pull out on my birthday. Oh, and I won those ebay things.

Mr. SB has some trouble staying on topic, but we did actually talk about this face-to-face also. I am so excited to know that we could possibly make a baby this month. However, I am also scared to death that something may be wrong and we may have problems. Mr. SB keeps telling me to think positively, so that is what I am really trying to do.

Here is the plan (because I have to have a plan):
Sex every other day until the week of ovulation and then sex everyday until confirmed crosshairs and then continue with sex every other day. This may wear me out, but we are definietly going to give it an honest effort.

Wish us luck!

September 19, 2009

Not that it's shocking...

... but it's still a bummer.

Onto cycle #11.

I can't believe it's almost a year.

FUIF.

September 18, 2009

The guessing game...


has just began. I know that I should O any day now but my cycle has been all out of whack since the m/c. If I o on the 16Th day like my other normal cycles that means I will o on Monday, which is a great thing since Mr. Bud and I are usually home all Sunday and have plenty of time to make a baby :)

Since I'm not to confident on knowing what day I o I purchased some OPK 's from Amazon to help me pin point the day. However last night I have heard some mixed reviews from other girls saying they never saw a + OPK. Great.


I also started drinking green tea as of Wednesday and I did notice a lot of cm the first day but nothing else since.

I really hope my body gives me some hints when I ovulate some cm, a + OPK.. ANYTHING!!!

Have a wonderful weekend!

Is It Really Friday Again?!

We're starting to get the hang of our fall schedule. Little Daisy Bud has his first day of early childhood class today. He was just a tiny baby at the start of last school year and now he's a walking, talking toddler. Time goes by way too fast!
Next week we start back with our MOPS group. I'm curious to see how many new pregnancies will be announced. Our group tends to always have at least two or three pregnant ladies. One of my closest friends, who happens to also be in the group, is in her final weeks of pregnancy for her second child. I can't wait to hear that her little girl is here. One of the nicest things about the group is that we bring new moms meals for a week or two.
I'm still waiting to O, but I've been too busy to really think and/or worry about it. I didn't end up starting to use my CBEFM because I have no idea where I put it. We used it to conceive Little Daisy Bud #1 and when he was a couple months old (and I was scared to death at the thought of getting pregnant again) I put it away somewhere "safe" for next time around. Hopefully it will turn up soon.

Hard to believe that . . .

I'm half way done with my 2WW and I haven't stressed about it hardly at all. I've been so focused this last week and a half on helping Mr. Hopeful Bud start his new diet, that I haven't had time to stress or over think things. I can honestly say I was super surprised when FF gave me cross-hairs a couple days ago. For some reason I had convinced myself that this was going to be an anovulatory cycle because of all of my flat temperatures and because I wasn't doing Clomid anymore. I know that FF can't actually see in my ovaries to see if I ovulated, but the fact that my temps have stayed up the last week and we had excellent BD timing, makes me the most optimistic than I've been since we started this process 8 months ago. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.



I am so proud of Mr. Hopeful Bud and his decision to lose weight. He is being so strong and is keeping to his plan to the tee. It has been such a pleasure to go through this process with him. He says that since we want to start a family, that he is doing this so that he is around for a long time. He also wants to be able to play ball and be active with our children and right now walking is sometimes hard. Doesn't help that he has clubbed feet, but he knows that losing weight will help him walk easier. So far he has lost 10 pounds and a couple inches. He is doing great!

Husbands Say the Darnest Things!

So last night, I was feeling quite upset after a 3 hour long church committee meeting and was extremely tired at 11:30 when I crawled into bed. Mr. BrainyBud had the giddy-iess grin on his face and said....
Image Source


Mr. Brainy Bud: "So... Monday is ...." (he starts counting on his fingers) "1...2....3....4! 4 days away!"

Me: "Yes, and I'm terrified enough as it is! You don't have to have your whole body go through a huge change, all you have to do is have fun!"

Mr. Brainy Bud: (still with that goofy smile) "I'm here for ya babe"


UGH! ..................Guys!
I swear if he wasn't so darn adorable, I would have beat the grin right off his face! LOL!


Side Note: Monday is slated to be my first "possibly fertile" days since TTC on Cycle #1.


Faith, Love, and Baby Flutters
Mrs. Brainy Bud

September 16, 2009

Week 12

I'm such a bad blogger... It's been over a week since I last checked in but to be honest I don't have much to report on myself or Baby GB. We are doing well though at 12 weeks and 2 days!!! About 1 week away from the official start of the 2nd trimester. I guess 13 weeks and 3 days is the exact calculation for 1/3 of the way through... even though my doctor told me that at 12 weeks I'm done with the 1st tri. Every book you read is contradictory too...

The who
le pregnancy calculation thing is weird to me since up until I got KU I always thought a woman was pregnant for 9 months. Well that's just not true because in actuality it's 10. Joy right? This is because really calculation starts from the first day of your last menstrual period (LMP)... for the two (approximately) weeks after that you aren't even pregnant! Kind of nice to start with two weeks down already!

Anyway, hopefully I'll have more to report soon as I start showing and start SHOPPING! Can you believe I haven't bought ONE thing yet??? I'm glad all the other Buds are keeping busy and for the most part getting good news to keep our readers entertained! Congrats to Dandelion Bud and Chef Bud on recent developments in their journey!

So, without further adieu (seems I've started a fruit trend for myself) here's what Baby GB is up to this week!

Baby's now the size of a plum!
As you move into the second trimester, baby shifts into the growth and maturation stage. After weeks in the critical development stage, almost all of her systems are fully formed.






Photo Credit


On a side note: Last week we were a lime and for some reason to me a lime seems bigger than a plum? Anyone else with me? Just a thought...


Not much to report this week

So other than being extremely tired I haven't got much to talk about right now.

I am in a waiting game for results from my 3 hour glucose test and my next appointment is next Wednesday.

So far I am still pretty much dealing with the same symptoms: Tiredness, queasiness and tender breasts.

Perhaps I'll hear more about my glucose test before my doctors appointment.

 

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