October 31, 2010

I Hate Facebook

How is it that every time I miscarry, as soon as I sign onto Facebook a friend of mine has updated their profile picture with a sonogram picture and everyone is all OMG! Congrats! Are you pregnant? Is it a boy or a girl? When are you due? I've had enough.

I'll admit, I'm bitter right now. In the past I have half-heartily written my own congrats on my friend's Facebook wall, but this time I just cannot do it. Come to think of it, in the past I have done a lot. I have shopped for maternity clothes with friends, bought baby outfits, planned baby showers and marked on my calendar when they were finding out the sex because I thought that I just had to get over it and stop being so selfish. Now? I just cannot do it anymore.

Please don't misunderstand - I am very happy for my friends, but right now the wound is too fresh and I just cannot fake it anymore. To say I'm exhausted is an understatement. What it comes down to is this: In the past two years I have been pregnant a total of 4 times. And all I have to show for it is an extra 30 lbs, saggy bubbies and more heartbreak than anyone can imagine. I'm starting to lose faith, and I'm scared that I will never be able to carry a baby to term.

Mr. SB and I have an appointment next Monday (our anniversary! what a way to spend it.) with a high risk pregnancy specialist. We are going to see what they have to say. Our old doctor, whom I still adore, has done all that he can for us. He did his job. He got us pregnant. Now we need to move on to someone who can keep me pregnant.

We have decided that if our new doctor wants us just to try again without a new plan of action, we will move onto the next. I think it is silly to keep trying the same thing and expect different results (also the definition of insanity, I believe).

But right now I choose to be bitter. I choose to hate all things baby on Facebook and I choose to cry in front of others. I have always been perceived as being strong, unemotional and on occasions, have been accused of not having tear ducts. I realize now I cannot keep up this act anymore. I need to start being real.


Christa said...

Hellllllll no would I shop for maternity clothes with friends or plan baby showers. Congratulating them is about as far as I can go. Celebrating with them is not something I can do. So don't feel sorry about being bitter. We've all been there, some for longer periods than others. I'm in that bitter place right now and when I don't celebrate a friend's pregnancy, I don't call it rudeness, I call it self preservation

Golden Bud said...

My solution to Facebook baby announcements is to only friend other infertiles and people over 50. Seems to be working, though I did friend my step-cousin who is tall, thin, beautiful, and just had a daughter. I secretly hate her.

You might get a kick out of this:

Hang in there!

Diva Bud said...

You have every right to feel the way you do! Do not feel, at all, guilty! We are all behind you, and understand your pain... hang in there... I am sure you will see your silver lining soon enough :)

Silver Rose said...

I agree, you take your time and be bitter! And when it's your turn, I bet they will be right there shopping with you!


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