September 21, 2010

Black hole? Check. Ladder? Missing.

I officially hit rock bottom. After the nurse called me yesterday, I had to pull over to the side of the road because I was crying so hard that I couldn't see and I couldn't stop. I stayed there for almost 40 minutes. It wasn't so much the news as the impact. The final straw, if you will. I finally got home where I went up to my bedroom and cried for another 2 hours while Mr. SB had little SB out running errands. When they got home, I sucked myself together and read her books, get her ready for bed and cuddled with her for a very long time. When I left her room, I couldn't think of anything else I wanted to do more than going back to bed and crying more. So that's what I did. And finally fell asleep at some point. Woke up this morning to more despair and more crying and finding no joy in anything except little SB. Once she was dropped off at school, back came the black cloud.

Let's rewind a little bit. I was very psyched up this month. I was going to show infertility that it was wrong and that I was going to get pregnant before needing any further prescription treatment. Then came 2 whole days, morning noon and night, of very positive OPK's (smiley faces so there was no confusion)! Wooohooo, I rarely get that many. THIS was going to be a great month, I could tell!! Had some pretty major cramping during that time and just knew I had released a doozy of an egg. Heck, maybe two!! Because I was going to beat infertility this month. I was really going to show it who was boss here. I was going to have the last laugh.

I've had no phantom symptoms or any of my normal symptoms for the past week so naturally I took that as a sign. Oh yeah... different is good!!! No symptoms = a really good symptom!!

No. No symptoms = no ovulation.

My progesterone level was 7. The nurse said that indicated no ovulation, or at the very least, a weak ovulation and that the level would not support a pregnancy. She was happy with my estradiol level of 135... a lot of good that does me if I didn't ovulate.

I see the RE on Friday to discuss everything. I don't even know if I want to go. Let's face it, it's not going to happen. I've had two surgeries, three Clomid attempts, two RE's, a partridge, a pear tree and a broken heart.

If it wasn't for my daughter, I honestly wouldn't even get out of bed. I don't want to. I drag myself out and I make the motions of living my life but it's not me anymore. I don't think I'm ever going to be the person I was two years ago, happy, optimistic, full of joy and life. All that's left is bitter, jaded, angry and broken.

I'm just completely broken. My spirit is broken. My body is broken. My heart is broken.

And the worst part... I feel like I'm all alone. I feel like NO ONE knows how this feels. I'm tired of being told to just have faith, don't give up hope. There is no more hope. It's completely drained. Faith? Why bother... I can't have faith in something that has caused me so much pain and heartache. Perhaps I've done something to deserve all of this. *shrug* I haven't been the most perfect person. I've made mistakes.

Normally I can rebound pretty quickly and regain some optimism and trudge forward with the next cycle. Not this time. I seem to have misplaced the ladder and I can't climb out.

And I still have 9 whole days before the end of this cycle. As if the 2WW wasn't bad enough, it's even worse when you know there's no chance of being pregnant and having to wait 9 more days to get it over with.


Sarcastic Bud said...

If anything, please know that you are not alone. There are many women out ther (including myself) that sometimes feel this way. I cannot say that I know "exactly how you feel" because I am not you (and that expression annoys the BAJESUS out of me, so I wont use it on you), but I also feel defeated at some points.

Please take care of yourself. I am constantly thinking and praying for you.


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