Self-preservation or stupidity, probably both

First off, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while . . . a long while. I'm just in a really weird place right now and I don't know if it's pregnancy hormones or just this constant dreary weather that has me down. I am almost 8 weeks pregnant and up until the last week I was high as a kite, over the moon excited. Now that I'm approaching our first doctor's appointment I'm terrified, to be honest. On Monday of this week I had a little bit of red blood on the toilet paper when I wiped. It never happened again and I haven't had any cramping so I just check it off as a fluke. Also up until this week I would talk to Baby Hopefulbud every night before we went to sleep and every morning before we got out of bed. I would thank both God and Baby HB for another day together. This week, I haven't felt as connected. I feel great, very little nausea, incredibly sore boobs, but nothing too unbearable. I have no reason to believe that something is wrong with our baby, which leads me to believe that it's just self-preservation. I'm usually such an optimistic person, but when something is really really important and personal I often think the worst and then am thrilled when something good happens. I think that is what I'm doing in preparing for our doctor's appointment on Monday. Unconsciously I'm thinking "if I just distance myself from the baby a little, then it won't hurt so bad if something isn't right." That is terrible thinking, I hate that I feel that way. I hate it that I pray "God if something isn't right with this baby, take him or her now before I get too attached." What kind of a mother prays this? I am totally ready to be a mother, or I guess as ready as any individual can be, and I want to be ecstatic to be pregnant. I just didn't expect the fears that came along with being pregnant. No one really tells you that before you are pregnant. My sister and all my friends seemed to have such smooth pregnancies. They made it look easy. I'm sure they were wrestling with these same fears inside, I just didn't know it.

On Monday at our appointment we will discuss family history, what I can and can't do the next 32 weeks, get blood work done and hopefully see the heartbeat. I pray that we get to see Baby HB's heartbeat. I think that will do wonders for my fears.

Currently Baby HB is the size of a blueberry. Baby's brain -- both hemispheres! -- is growing fast, generating about 100 new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place.

Please Baby HB have a strong heartbeat so that we can see it on Monday if we get an u/s. This will make mommy and daddy so happy. We love you so much already!