Mixed Emotions

As I posted awhile ago, I stopped charting. It was stressing me out, I was having difficulties due to my schedule, and since we are not TTC, it seemed a bit unnecessary at this point....although I definitely see the value in it! Other than keeping track of CM I haven't done anything to keep track of O'ing. DH and I have been semi-careful, not BD'ing when CM indicates that O is near, but I completely realize that method is not fool-proof, and we were ok with that. Basically, our half-assed attempt at TTA, while being ok with a surprise if it happened.

The other day, I entered my CM into my chart, and I suddenly realized that I was on CD 29. I have only ever had one 29 day cycle before. They are always 26-28 days. Instantly I had a moment of panic and hopefulness at the same time. It was really too soon to think that I could maybe be KU, but deep down, I have to admit there was a little part of me that hoped it wasn't just a random long cycle. I debated back and forth about whether to test, or to just wait another day, expecting that AF would show up. I allowed myself to entertain the possibility that maybe this was the "surprise" that I have halfway been expecting since we went off bcp in June. I allowed myself to panic just a little bit......although I would be excited, was I as ready as I thought I was?? What would DH think?

For those of you that have been following my posts, you know that DH and I are both ready and excited for children, but our job situation with my husband being recently laid off, has kind of put our TTC plans on hold. While half of me feels that we need to be practical, the other half of me feels like we should just go for it. That things can change a lot in 9 months, for the good or the bad. That part of me thinks that even if DH did have a fantastic job right now, that might be different in 9 months. And the fact that he doesn't have a job now probably won't be a concern 9 months from now. Life hands us so many unexpected circumstances, that we can't count on anything.....we can't plan our lives around "sure things." Then the practical side of me fights back. It is always this internal battle, trying to make sense of one of the biggest decisions we will make in our lifetime together. It is so hard.

Well all of the emotions that I was feeling on the infamous CD 29 were wasted. AF showed up on CD 30.

It's back to the drawing board.....or to the think-tank.....or the hamster wheel......or whatever you want to call this process. And honestly, I think that the process of making the decision to TTC is almost as craptastic at times, as TTC itself.