April 20, 2011

Confession time: I'm still angry

I don't know why, but this whole pregnancy I have been watching my "baby is the size of what fruit" ticker like a hawk, just waiting to get to lime.
 BabyFruit Ticker
For some reason, I have always watched other people's tickers get to lime and it has seemed unreal.  This safe haven of fruit size. 

I think anytime you have trouble trying to conceive, you start to expect things to go wrong.  I have had no spotting this entire time *knock on wood*, yet I still have been both terrified and sure something would go wrong.  Even knowing the odds, hearing the heartbeat and knowing the risk is only 4%, I still expected it to be me.  And why not?  Month after month we had perfect timing, odds are it should have worked.  But it didn't.  It took 2 cycles of femara to get here, which is far less than a lot of women I know.  Which I think is also part of the problem.  When it takes a while, you start seeking out others having trouble, blogs, message boards, you find each other for support, but you also see all that can go wrong, and you think, "if it can happen to them, it can happen to me."

I've heard a lot of women say, and I fully agree that T-TTC takes the innocence away from TTC and pregnancy.  You're never just happy, you're also cautious and terrified.  We learn to be that way when TTC, when every month we say "maybe it will work, but probably not."  And you hold you breath every day of the 2ww waiting for a temp drop, or a BFN, or that first spot. 

I always thought that reaching lime would be this magic bullet.  This time when I could stop being afraid, and angry about how this has all gone down.  But I'm not.  A friend whose wife is 23 weeks was joking yesterday about how when they conceived their baby, they sent their other kids to the grandparents for the weekend and announced to the world that they were going to make a baby that weekend.  And guess what, they did.  You'd think I wouldn't care anymore.  That I would have stopped being jealous of him and everyone else who just decides to have a baby, and then does just like that.  But I'm not, I'm still angry. 

I am pregnant, and I am happy, and I love this baby, but I still don't quite believe that it will all end well.  And I'm still jealous of those for whom becoming parents comes easy.  I don't want to be.  I hate being this bitter.  I want to be happy for my friend even when he makes stupid insensitive comments.  I thought I would be "over this" by now, but I'm not.  I just wish I knew how to let it go and just be happy. 


Mrs. Lydon said...

If you find out how...please let me know! It is shitty to be this bitter. I know it. Whats worse is when you start to lose friends because of it. But you also need to stay true to urself and your feelings.

Explorer Bud said...

I don't think that bitterness/worry/fear ever goes away. I just try to smother that gut reaction becuase people usually don't mean to offend, they just don't think all that much about what comes out of thier mouths!!


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