March 8, 2011

I thought I was alright with this

I don't know if it is because of all the AF hormones or what, but I am completely falling apart. Last night my good friend had her baby, the first in our group. I am incredibly happy for her and her husband and I can't wait to meet the new little girl. That being said, I can't keep myself together. I didn't think this birth would affect me this way. I made it through the shower and weekly calls, monthly visits. I made it through discussions of nurseries, day care, cute baby outfits. With the exception of the initial announcement (to which I fell apart), I made it through everything with barely a chocked up feeling. Now I am that crazy teacher that cries for now reason. Seriously, I cried four times today at work, three times when students were near. The best moment was after school during practice for the school musical when an eighth grade girl was singing about the "joys of motherhood" and I had to run from the auditorium in tears. Really? When did I become this woman?

It is just so hard to think about. My friend and her husband got married only a two months after Mr. Plannerbud and I. We started TTC together and were excited to "go through it together." Here we are about 18 months later and they are holding their darling little girl and I am crying in the middle of a lessons on prepositions. "Yes, students, tears are falling from my eyes. From is a preposition."

I just don't even know how to put myself together. I can longer be the strong the one. I guess I should talk to the admins about changing my name to Bitter Bud. I guess I am going to be the downer of the crew.


Cupcake Bud said...

You won't be the downer... we all have our moments and they do pass. Some may take longer than others to pass, but eventually they do.

My friend and I were suppose to be pregnant together and hers carried and mine didn't. I've felt twinges of jealousy and it's hard at times to watch her daughter grow cause I think that could of been mine. And the kicker is she is my god-daughter whom I love dearly and would do anything for... but to be honest I still have my moments of tears and wishing I had my baby.

I think it is a normal feeling... not that it is fun or anything, but it is hard to see others and friends or family have their bundle of joys while we are still waiting for ours.

Hugs for you and I know how you feel... you are not alone.

Silver Rose said...

It's ok to feel that way...all my friends from high school are having babies, and I wish we were ready, so I try to be happy for them and tell myself that when I have my baby, it will be the most wanted baby EVER. Until then, I suggest your favorite movie and a big bowl of ice cream. :)


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