ALMOST THERE!!!

Today is D day. The final day of completing what we need to do in order for our application to be re licensed as foster parents to be approved again. Today Mr. JB has to complete his health physical, and then we have our sanitation inspection from the county this afternoon. I spent last night cleaning and organizing things, and of course locking up all meds, cleaners, etc. Sigh, this is a long process, and it always amazes me how much they make you do in order to become a foster parent...when the parents involved with the system had done nothing like this. Whatever. It is what we want to do, and we are excited to have another lil one in our home soon. Even Lil JB is excited!

I am hoping that maybe this adventure will help lil JB out a bit. He has been having a rough go since he turned 4 with his behavior. Maybe his world seems a little off kilter since he turned 4? Who knows. But, we are working with him on it, and hopefully soon he will be back to his old self. Still, he is adorable and I can't help smiling every time I look at him!

I will let you know as soon as I hear back and know that we are officially re licensed! It will be a very exciting day in June Bud Land!

Til then!

~June Bud

Ups and Downs and Decisions Oh My!

First off, let me apologize for not blogging recently. The last time I blogged, I had just rang in the New Year and had an awesome time visiting my family in the northeast for Christmas. I had also taken a little detour to NY to visit family, especially my granny who had just moved into an Assisted Living Facility and was having a very difficult time with this. I am sad to say that she passed away five days after I saw her, so I immediately took another trip back up north for her funeral. I had a very difficult time saying goodbye to her, and recently I have found myself being very emotional about it. I feel like on whole chapter of my life has closed, and it is hard for me to imagine that neither my granny nor my gramp are here anymore.

Now that I am back in town and getting back into the swing of things, I wanted to update all of you on our adoption journey. Mr JB and I are in the process of trying to get re licensed as foster parents again. We have decided to try this route before doing private domestic adoption. We were blessed with lil JB through the joys of fostering and adopting, so we would like to go this route again. It is a lengthy process to get licensed, so we are in the midst of tons of paperwork, and home visits galore! we hope to have all of it in soon so that our licensing packet can be sent off for approval and we can take in another lil JB!

The best part so far about this whole journey is that we got to put up a crib! We are interested in fostering children ages 0-5, so in order to qualify to take babies, we had to have a crib. So, we had fun getting that and putting it up! We lucked out and got a really pretty one for cheap. It was originally 279$ and we got it for 134$! We were excited. This is what it looks like...

I love it! It looks so nice in the room we have it in too, I will be sure to post pics of the room soon!

~ June Bud

Ringing in the New Year

I finally made it back home! The holidays truly were wonderful, and it was so nice to spend them with family and friends that we had not seen for a long time. It was also nice to be back in New England during the holidays, when winter is at its most fierce. We got a blizzard while we were there...so, Lil JB really got to see what snow and winter were like. As a Florida boy, he was not too impressed, but it was fun none the less!

I really thought I would be able to post from NY when I got their to visit my grandmother. She recently moved into an Assisted Living Facility (ALF), and I stayed at her old home. Little did I know that my aunt and uncle had already turned off her cable, and her internet...so, I had no way of posting...thank goodness I got a Kindle for Christmas!

There were a lot of emotions over the holiday. I found out that my husbands cousin had her baby, and that made me happy and sad at the same time. I found out other people were pregnant again, and looking to welcome babies this spring and summer. AF made her appearance on Christmas Eve, and although I KNEW she was coming, it was hard. It always is. I had NO PMS at all this go round, which is so unusually odd for me, so I had a little glimmer of hope that maybe I was indeed knocked up. Now, that we saw all of our family and friends face to face, many asked us about our plan to adopt. So, we went over that plan, and over it and over it and over it. I was OVER IT all together by the time I returned home again lol, but I know that they were only curious, and that they love us and want to wish us best in everything. It was still hard though.

We did find out some interesting news though...lil JB had two half siblings in Georgia that his mother lost custody of. Apparently, they have been adopted, and we are in the process of giving out contact info to the case manager that handled the adoption so that she can pass it on to the adoptive family. It will be nice to see if we can get any pictures and exchange info, and it will be nice to hear about lil JB's birth mother and what they may know about her that we do not.

All in all, a very nice holiday. Here's to 2011. :-)

~June Bud

Holiday Travels...

This will probably be my last post before Christmas. We leave Christmas Eve for Boston, and will be in New England until December 29. Then I am headed to Long Island (without Lil JB and Mr. JB) to see my grandmother. She is moving into the nursing facility on Thurs, so I am sure I will have time to blog once I am there.

Anyways, not too much to report here. We are waiting until after the holidays to submit our adoption app to the agency. We keep hoping that maybe, just maybe, a child in the foster care system will need a forever home and that it will be ours. AF is due in two days...and of course, I wait in anticipation for her arrival, even though I know she will come and once again my cycle will not result in a pregnancy. Sigh. Happy Holidays to all...On a positive note, here is lil JB's Santa photo. It makes me smile :-)

Til next time...

~June Bud

Making Progress and Anxious!

So, I finally spoke with the social worker at the adoption agency we have decided to go with. Mr. JB is having a leeeeetle bit of trouble swallowing the pricetag, but with all we have been through and all of the doors that have been closed, we know we will make it happen somehow. we revamped our budget so we can put more money aside each month, and have a game plan.

Anyways, when I spoke with the SW, she asked me all sorts of questions so she could get an idea of exactly what we were looking for in our adoption. I got her some necessary first paperwork, and she emailed me the application. I have it ALL filled out and ready to go, I just have to make a stop at our safety deposit box to get a copy of our marriage license. Then we will write the first (of many) checks and send it in. I am starting to get a little anxious, but I am really excited! It feels good to finally have a plan.

On a side note, we had family pics done yesterday by a friend of mine who has a small side photography business. The last fam pic we have is from our wedding, and lil JB needed his 4 year pics done too. So sweet.

June Bud~

The Wait Continues...

On my last post I told you about how we had gotten the big rejection from the adoption agency we wanted to work with due to our religion. You had to be a born again Christian/Evangelical Faith to adopt through this particular agency...so, we quickly found ourselves back at square one. After much thinking, we decided to get back in touch with the agency we originally met with over the summer...Ironically, this is the agency we met with before we even knew we were infertile, and we were just trying to gather some information about other options we had in the event we WERE infertile. Love the agency, and love the social worker who would work with us. So, things (hopefully) are looking up. I have not heard back from her yet, other than for her to say that she got my email about our decision to work with them again, and she will be in touch with set up another meeting. Sounds good, except I am HORRIBLE at waiting for ANYTHING. So, I will TRY to be patient.

In the meantime, we are gearing up for the holidays in June Bud land. Lil JB is ECSTATIC about Christmas, and is trying (as hard as an almost 4 year old can try) to be on his best behavior so our Elf on the Shelf, Elfabit, won't report badly to Santa about him. LOL. In the midst of all of this, we are preparing to fly up to New England to visit family for the holidays. It will be our first WINTER visit in 5 years. So, we are bracing ourselves for the (miserable) cold. HAHA. It will be fun to see Lil JB's reaction to it, because he is a Florida boy.

On the not so happy note, my grandmother no longer can take care of herself, and she is moving into an assisted living facility (with as much nursing care as they will give her) next weekend. So, I am actually changing my ticket back from New England, and making a stop for a few days to see her in New York. Mr. JB and Lil JB will continue the trip to Florida without me, and will pick me up 3 days later. What is saddest about all of this is that my Gramp died last December. Granny has been holding her own for a year, but just can't do it anymore with how badly her Ameloydosis is getting. It will be so sad being at her house without her in it anymore. She and my Gramp moved into my house when I was 13. Now, at almost 30, it is heartwrenching to think of her anywhere else. We will make a trip back to the house while I am there to sort through everything. *sigh*. I will miss New Year's with my boys, but I will have an opportunity to go and see family I don't get to see very often, so it will be a good change. Keep her in your prayers for me, and I will keep you posted on the adoption side of things!

Oh, and here is a little Christmas Cheer, straight from the JB Household.

More Doors Closed...

Happy Holidays everyone! It is December 1, and I can hardly believe that it is almost time to ring in 2011. I know that December will go by in a blur, and I am just trying to take it one day at a time. It has been a rough few weeks, but we did have a nice Thanksgiving and a nice much needed break from reality.

I had a week off from work over the holiday. My in laws came into town, so as much as it is fun to have visitors over the holidays, it still was VERY busy and I felt very depressed at times. But, I worked through it and got over the bumps in the road. The saddest thing was AF's arrival the day after Thanksgiving. It is always hard to see her come, even though I know she is expected. She has been coming with a vengeance recently, and it is so hard to get through the first couple of days once she arrives.

The next thing that has been hard is being turned away by the adoption agency that we thought we would be using. I finally received the application and I read over it carefully. They kept stressing how they only work with "born again Christians" and those of Evangelical faith. So, before I even began filling out the app I contacted the case manager to ensure we qualified. Nope. We don't. I guess being Catholic doesn't have its perks right now. The sad thing about this is that this agency had a really reasonable fee (it was based off of 10% of your income), and that was a huge factor for us in working with them.

So, now I am back to square one. The agency we really love that we met with this summer has a high price tag, and we just don't know if we can swing that. Well, we CAN, but it is going to be tough and we are scared to take that plunge. I want to go ahead and sign with the agency, so that we can actually go ahead and apply for grants (most require you to have signed with an agency or have a home study done already), and Mr. JB is weary because of the money involved.

Any suggestions from my BB family?

Thanks for listening.

~June Bud

Adoption Series Chapter 3

It did not seem to take long at all...the results of the DNA testing for lil JB's birth father came back all too quickly. There was a 99.99999 something % chance that he was his father. Now we knew. Where was this man? Well, he was in jail. We soon found out that he had been in jail more years than he had been out in his lifetime. He was in his early forties, and a life of crime was basically what he had led. We breathed a sigh of relief, because in all reality...how could a man in jail parent this darling child? Apparently, we spoke too soon.

It was not long before our case manager was calling us to tell us that lil JB had a grandmother in NY. A grandmother that worked full time, had her own apartment, and had raised three children. Well, in all actuality, I believe she raised TWO children, because lil JB's birth father had not ended up anywhere but in jail. But, she was blood and the foster care system always feel it is best for a child to be with his parents and if he cannot be with his parents, then a suitable relative or non relative. The fight began.

The case manager stated that they would have to look into her as a possible placement. This could take up to a year to determine if she was a suitable place for him to be placed, because they would have to submit paperwork through the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children. It didn't matter that he was a special needs child (black and under the age of five), it still took time. The other thing the grandmother would have to do per NY state law, was become a licensed foster parent. This all seemed so far out of reach, but the state expects the agency to look into this. They must exhaust all arenas. At this point it was about February of 2007. We were feeling deflated. We were scared. We just wanted lil JB to be here with us, forever. We knew it would be a long battle.

The next thing that happened was his grandmother decided to take a trip to Florida. With her nephew in tow, she flew down here and visited with other family and friends in the area. Then the big bomb came...she wanted to see lil JB. We offered to the case manager to have her over to our home. The case manager felt it was best for the visit to take place in her office. So, on one sunny afternoon in late March, the case manager picked up my baby boy from daycare and brought him into the office to meet his grandmother, and essentially his cousin. We waited with bated breath.

My husband ironically (sometimes to the day I wonder if he really did) had a staffing at the case manager's office that afternoon. He decided he would pick lil JB up after the visit. The case manager asked him to come back to her office a few minutes after the visit was scheduled to end because she wanted to ensure that the grandmother was already gone to avoid any interaction or possible conflict. Conflict? Who us? Haha. Anyways. It just so happened that as my husband was leaving the office with Isaiah he ran into the nephew in the parking lot, who yelled out, "Bye Isaiah!" So, my hubby took it upon himself to go over and introduce himself. They got to talking, as the nephew seemed to be around our age, and apparently had a little boy back at home the same age as Isaiah. My husband offered for them to meet up down the road at McDonald's and continue the visit. The nephew agreed and said that he and his aunt would meet them their. So, off they went.

The visit went well, and my husband got along great with these relatives. As they were talking and getting to know one another, Isaiah played in the play area. All was going well. When it was time to leave, the nephew pulled my husband aside and said, "It is so apparent that Isaiah loves you, and that YOU are his father. I would hate for him to be taken away from you, when he is so well adjusted. I will talk to my grandmother and try to get her to drop the request to take custody of him. It just wouldn't be right. If we all remained in contact, I am sure that this would work out okay." My husband had never been so grateful in his life. So, now we waited in anticipation to see if the grandmother would drop her pursuit...

~June Bud

Turning Over a New Leaf...

AF arrived today. She woke me out of a sound slumber at 5 am with horrendous cramps. I got up to go to the bathroom and there she was. Stupid wench. I knew she was coming, but even with our diagnosis of MFI, it still never gets easier each month when she arrives. Fitness Bud's post got me thinking, and I am on my way to trying to turn over a new leaf.

I will admit at this very moment that I am 100 pounds heavier than I was the day that I married Mr. JB. I was not at my thinnest when we got married, but to me I was at my perfect weight, and if I could get anywhere near that weight again, I would be SO HAPPY. The problem has been that I am not unhappy at my weight. I know I am overweight, but I am happy with myself, my life, my family, and my career. So, it makes wanting to be successful in losing weight even harder.

This past week I made it a point to make it to the gym. I did go twice, and I will probably go again over the weekend. I felt good about going. I also tried to watch what I ate. I didn't deny myself, but I also did not overindulge. Overall, I think the week went well. I even felt like maybe I lost a pound or two. Definitely a step in the right direction.

The reason I am posting about this is because I think that working towards a healthier lifestyle is something that can help take my mind off of everything else that is going on, instead of letting it become just another thing we have to worry about.

The pictures below are my then and now. Our wedding, and our recent trip to the pumpkin patch. 'Nuff said.

~June Bud

On the Road Again...

The road to AF that is. Does anyone else do this???? Hello, we had Mr. JB's SA done, and of course we all know it wasn't good news. We have moved on to adoption, but in the back of my mind I still believe that MAYBE someday I will get pregnant. Like now. I am on CD23. I *usually* have a 26-27 day cycle. More often than not a 26 day cycle. I did have a couple of 29 day cycles in their towards the very end, and my last cycle was 30 days (but, I tend to think the 30 day cycle was a result of being on the progestorone supplement). Anyhoo, here I sit wondering if I am pregnant. I know. I know. I need to let it go and just focus on the adoption process. Which, I am...but, one can hope right??? I want to be that person that tells everyone about our infertility struggles with Mr. JB's sperm, and then ends up pregnant with that miracle baby. Hmmmph.

I even went looking for my BBT last night figuring that I could start temping again to see if my temps are up. I could not find it ANYWHERE. I have a hunch that Mr. JB threw it away. Seriously. He told me to get rid of it when we decided to go the adoption route, so it would not be beyond the realm of possibility that he did indeed trash it. Anyways, after a searching frenzy I gave up.

I have even resorted to looking at my FF chart again, even though I have not temped at all. I am thinking I O'd around CD 12-14, as I had tons of EWCM on CD 10, and I usually O within a few days of that. So, I figure I can ballpark when I O'd.

Gosssssh, I am a LOSER!

Apprehensively waiting!

Before I left work yesterday, I decided to send the social worker from the agency we are going to work with (hopefully) for our adoption. When I spoke to her a few weeks ago, she did the prelim questions with us, and when all of those checked out okay, we went on their waiting list. They won't be able to take on new adoptive parents til sometime after the new year, so from there it would just be a waiting game.

I felt like I needed to check in. So, I emailed her. I got a response today, and she said that they are still looking at the beginning of the year for new adoptive parents, but that applications to all the couples on the wait list are going out next week. Then once our application is approved we can start getting the ball rolling.

YAY! At least this is progress! I am an OVERLY, and when I say overly, I probably should say OBNOXIOUSLY overly impatient person, so just having something to look forward to really helps!

~June Bud

No News is Good News?

Not much has been going on in the world of June Bud. We are enjoying our October, and each weekend has been full of fall fun. Still no word on any children available for adoption, but we are still waiting anxiously and hoping that something comes along soon. Just wanted to give you a pretty little update!

~June Bud

Two years down, a lifetime to go!

Today is Mr. JB and I's second wedding anniversary. It is AMAZING to me that it has been two years already! I cannot believe that we are A. no longer newlyweds, and B. we aren't even close to even being a sort of newly wed. So much has happened in the past two years. The day we got married, Lil JB was still our foster son. He was not even two years old yet, and was already the apple of our eye. There was no adoption in our future, and we were not even sure that we would be able to keep him. He was such a special part of our day, and I look back on our wedding and can't imagine him not being a part of it.


There is one specific time right after our honeymoon that I remember Mr. JB and I discussing our future and our future children. It was only a couple of days after we returned from Aruba, and we were sitting on our porch with my father in law. The topic came up about children, and we ended up having a long conversation about it. We decided that we did not want to start trying to have biological children until we had been married for close to a year, so we looked at the following summer as a good time to start trying. The bigger issue here was also that we were not even going to start trying to have kids until we knew for sure whether or not Lil JB could be adopted by us or not. We did not want to bring a baby into the family and then they get attached to one another and then he have to leave. Little did we know that the complicated issue would not even be the adoption, but the fact that we could not have biological children.


At our first anniversary, Mr. JB and I were discussing how wonderful it was that we would be finalizing our adoption on Lil JB anytime in the coming month. We had finally come to the end of that long, treacherous road, and we were looking forward to finally becoming an offical family. Now, as our second anniversary is upon us, we are looking at the end of another treacherous road (finding out and dealing with the fact that we have Male Infertility), but also a new road of how and when our next child will come to us.


What a difference a year makes...

~June Bud

Adoption Series Chapter 2

Right after lil JB came to live in our home, we had him checked out by his pediatrician. She was alarmed to see that he only weighed 12 pounds, and informed us that he had been battling being able to gain weight ever since he was born. He had been placed on a very special (and very expensive) formula, and it was imperative that we keep him on this. She also asked us to bring him back in two weeks so that she could see if he began thriving. If not, she was going to diagnose him with Failure to Thrive. She also gave us a special prescription medication for his Eczema, because he would get patches of dry skin so bad that he would bleed and then they would get infected. At at least one time, he had been hospitalized due to an infection of one of his soars from the Eczema, and it had been accompanied by a really high fever. She felt that a lot of his issue had to do with the homes he had been placed in. She had been seeing him his whole life thus far, from when he was born and lived with his mother, and had seen him be sheltered into care and then bounce around the foster care system. It broke my heart to hear that one foster home she knew of did not want babies, only wanted to care for teens, and they had taken him because the child welfare agency had begged them. She said the very next home he had been in was a Spanish speaking home, and she had a lot of difficulty trying to communicate with them, so she could just imagine how it was for him. We took the prescriptions and our broken hearts and took our little bundle of joy home to help him get well.

It really perplexed me that the other homes had such issues caring for him. He slept through the night from the VERY first night he came to us, and seemed to be pretty content. Slowly his Eczema cleared up, and it mostly only showed back up on his elbows or in the creases of his knees. Sometimes, he would get a spot or two on his face, but the creams were working wonders. He also gained THREE pounds in the two weeks until his next appointment, and even his doctor was shocked. She said she knew right then and their that he really just did not get the love or attention he needed. With a little effort, and a LOT of unconditional love he was beginning to crawl, and within weeks was pulling up on everything. He had really stolen our hearts.

Over Christmas that year he met my father in law, as well as my parents, grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins. Every one just adored him. Before we knew it, it was his first birthday, and my mother in law and her best friend came from out of town to celebrate with us. Lil JB was hysterical on that day...he did NOT want to eat his cupcake, he hated to have his hands dirty. This is incredibly funny to me, because even now, at almost 4 years old, he is the biggest BOY in the world but HATES to have dirty hands or feet.

During this month, his birth mother also came back into the picture. She visited him every couple of months or so, but would disappear for awhile, and then resurface. Of course, with his first birthday upon us, it did not surprise me in the LEAST that she all of a sudden popped up and wanted to see him. So, he had a visit with her. The case manager on the case took him to the visit, and according to her he did not want to be put down at all and would not interact with his birth mom. She was essentially a stranger to him, and she could see that he did not want to bond with her. She asked the case manager about his current foster family, and she informed her that he had been moved to a home of a young couple with no other children. The case manager emphasized to her that we did not plan to take any more children in our home, because we wanted to ensure that he developed appropriately, and that all of his medical conditions were under control. She also told the mother that we would adopt him if he were to be available for adoption. Of course, at this point in time, she was working on a case plan, but she had failed drug treatment twice, and had no intentions of going back.

When I heard about the visit, and the conversation that Lil JB's birth mother had had with the case manager, I felt it was important for her to know who we were. So, at the next court hearing a few weeks later, I attended and I came with an armful of goodies. I had pictures from Lil JB's first birthday for her, and I also had a note with my cell phone number in it. I told her that she was welcome to see her son anytime she wanted, and that I would be more than happy to meet her or pick her up and go to a park and let her visit. This way, she did not have to deal with case manager's, and visiting with him in the office of the case manager. She seemed relieved and also happy to know that we were open to working with her. She had an appointment scheduled for that afternoon to see Lil JB, and she planned to see him at the office, but stated that she might call me to arrange otherwise. I told her to call me and we could plan something. She never showed for her visit at the office, and never called me to ask to see Lil JB. About a month or so later, she called the case manager and told her that she had another possible man who could be Lil JB's father, and provided the name. She also told the case manager that, "she wanted the nice lady from the court hearing who had lil JB to adopt him." She was very clear that she did not want his father or his family to gain custody, but felt that we were where Lil JB needed to be.

The case manager informed me of this telephone call, and stated that the man she had named as JB's possible father was currently in prison. They were getting an order to have a DNA test done, and from their we would move forward with dealing with this situation in the event he did turn out to be Lil JB's father. We felt so relieved about what his birth mom had told us, but then felt like the breath had been knocked out of us when she named a father. She had named several men in the past who could have possibly been his father, and none had panned out. We would have to wait with baited breath to see if this was the case with this man as well.

Until next time,

~June Bud

Up and Down My Emotions Go!

I don't even know where to begin this post. It has been a very.rough.week in June Bud land. It all started when I finally got in touch with the agency that licensed us as foster parents back in 2007. Let me remind you...I had called and left messages, emailed, and called and left messages, and emailed the woman whom I needed to speak to in regards to reopening our home as an adoptive placement. Finally, on a whim, at about 12 pm one afternoon last week, I just picked up the phone again and dialed. She actually answered. She sounded chirpingly (is that a word??) happy until she heard who it was on the other end of the line. Yup, honey. It 'tis me. The woman you have been trying to ignore for over two weeks. Not fair. I had been very explicit with what we wanted when I left my initial message, "hi, this is so and so, and we were foster parents. We would like to look into how our home can be reopened as an adoptive placement. We are looking to adopt a baby or toddler." So, she basically just started spewing on and on about how they are no longer licensing homes that want to adopt, unless of course we want to adopt one of the children over 11 years old that they have an abundance of sitting in the foster care world looking to be adopted. She knew we were looking into a baby or toddler, and she said that the foster homes they were licensing were only going to be utilized as foster homes, so any child placed in our home that ended up staying for a year or more would be inevitably transitioned into an adoptive home, so adopting would not be an option. OK, whatever, who cares what is right for the child involved? So, then I asked her if we could just look to adopt, and she said nope. Only if we were looking to adopt an older child. Now, I am not against adopting an older child, but this is something Mr. JB and I have thought about doing when our kids are older and can really take part in helping out a child less fortunate than ours. We are barely even 30 years old, I could not even imagine parenting a near teenager at this point in our lives. The only GOOD thing that came of our conversation was that the agency can do an adoptive home study for us free of charge, that we can then take to other agencies. They apparently do that for people who have worked with them before, as a courtesy, when they can't help us get what we are looking for. Great, thanks. Let's see how many phone calls it takes before I can actually get through to her again to get THAT lined up.

So, I was feeling pretty down. I cried a lot and really just felt like every door I tried to open kept getting slammed in my face. God forbid we want to HELP a child in need?? I just felt like their was no light at the end of the tunnel, and I really felt that things were finally taking their toll on me. Mr. JB and I had some rough patches last week, but in the end we just cried together. He is much more optimistic than me at this point, and sometimes that is helpful for me, and sometimes it frustrates me. I know he is just trying to be their for me, and to be strong. But, I want to be strong too dammit! I also got my period this weekend. Of course, I knew it was coming, but of course their is always a shimmer of hope out their in my soul that thinks just MAYBE I am pregnant. It was not even the normal, "oh here comes my period..." I had IMMENSELY painful cramps from Thursday-Sunday, and actually they were so bad Monday and today that I have been out of work. I honestly felt like my insides were being twisted and pulled. This has never happened to me before...I usually get a bit of cramping and some lower back pain, and then WHAM! She arrives. But, this time it was on and off for days, and then when she finally arrived Sunday, I thought things would look up. NOPE, I had extremely heavy bleeding, large clots, headaches, and very painful cramps. Just now today I am still cramping, but they are subsiding, the bleeding is slowing down and I just have a bad headache. So, with that and many new face book, I AM PREGNANT posts, I was beyond upset and frustrated. I am also over telling me how it will get better and things will fix itself. Really? Don't try to tell me that somewhere over the rainbow I am going to get magically pregnant and that the last 16 months my body just did not cooperate for the sake of not cooperating. Even my mother in law has chimed in, and THAT really made me lose my gourd. She is an RN, so every time something medical comes up she consults her com padres. So, I get to listen to how Mr. Urologist Man, who has never met my husband thinks this over the counter miracle drug is going to help his sperm. Really? He has a morphology and motility problem, not a sperm count problem. Oh, and Mrs. Doctor of all Doctor's told her that he can have surgery to correct the problem. Well, duh...if there IS a problem, we will look into getting it fixed...but, it all comes down to price. We don't have eons of money sitting around to just fork over. But, in mother in law land, just the fact that she can give her two cents is worth oodles of money to her. I told Mr. JB that when she has an infertility problem then she can give me advice. Last I checked...she had three kids. Sorry, I know that is vicious and mean, but I am over hearing people who have no idea what we are going through give me their piece. Just yesterday my dear friend told me that if I adopt again I will never get to look MY baby in the face when he or she is born, and just have that motherly feeling. Really? Cause, I looked in the face of 9 month old lil JB when he came to us, and I am SURE I felt the same thing. But, because he didn't come from meeeeeee, everyone feels the need to chime in. OK, vent over. On to more positive things.

We did go to dinner with some of Mr. JB's coworkers on Thursday night. It was nice to catch up with them, and they all know what we are struggling with. He works in social services, so we have some of his coworkers looking out for a baby in the system that will need a forever home. If one were to come available, we would try to take custody of the child as a non-relative placement, since the foster care avenue has not been working in our favor. I did also have a friend tell me that I should call Florida Baptist Children's Homes, which does foster care, adoption, domestic infant adoption, as well as has several shelters for children. I figured what the heck? Some people had told me that there domestic infant adoption program is not as pricey as others. We had immediately ruled out Catholic Charities and Bethany Adoptions because of the price tag. We just don't have $15,000 lying around...tax credit or not. So, I left the social worker at FBCH a message on Friday. She called me back today.

She was very sweet on the phone. I explained our situation to her, and expressed an interest in finding out more about their domestic infant adoption program. She went through a list of preliminary questions with me, and then did disclose that they currently have a waiting list. She anticipates being able to take on more couples a few months into 2011. She discussed fees and services with me (and it WAS cheaper), and I left our name on the list. She will be calling back early next year to let us know where we stand. So, that sounded promising. Of course, I HATE WAITING...but, at least this is a step in the right direction. Mr. JB was also excited. So, now we have two plans in place...1. if a child comes available from foster care that is adoptable, and 2. domestic infant adoption through FBCH. *sigh* I hope things look up soon.

~June Bud

Adoption Series

I was made aware of an awesome blog recently named Flower Patch Farmgirl. She recounts her adoption experience every week...she started at the very beginning of their journey, and each week she posts another tale. With everything that has been going on lately, the other night I was sitting with Mr. JB on the couch and we were watching lil JB play. We reflected on how far we had come, and how mesmerized we were that he was going to be 4 years old in just a few short months. On Halloween of 2007, lil JB was placed with us, and with Halloween coming up it made me very sentimental. Flower Patch Farm Girl has inspired me to do my own adoption series, and to blog about the process starting from the very beginning. It will take awhile, but I hope to show people what our adventure was like, and shed some light on the foster to adoption process. It can be heartwarming, grueling, heart breaking, and completely awesome all at the same time. I think it is important for people to know that. So, here it goes...

On October 31, 2007 my life changed forever. A little 12 pound bundle of 9 month joy was brought into my life. It is important to know that up until this time, Mr. JB and I had fostered four children. The first one entered our lives on March 31, 2007, and the last one had left our home on October 25, 2007. With each child's arrival I felt overwhelming joy, and with each child's departure I felt broken. It is also important to note that the child who left on October 25, 2007, had left me with a huge empty heart, and feeling a lot of despair. He came to our home in May, and from the get go we wanted to adopt him. We were under the impression that we probably would be able to, but by October 23, 2007 I was informed that he was going to be reunited with his father. Great news that his father was on the right track, but devastating for me, because I really felt that he would be our forever child.

As soon as the case manager pulled into the driveway at about 5:00 PM on October 31, 2007, I ran out the door to meet our new little guy. I was faced with an ADORABLE tiny child, with a big heaping hair of curls. I could not get over how cute he was, and in such a short life, this child had been through so much. Lil JB was born at the end of January and spent less than 4 months at home with his mother. The bulk of his time with his mother was spent in his crib, crying for her, and getting no response. She would leave him laying in his crib while she did drugs, and he developed an innate habit to scratch himself til he bled to get her attention. Yep, at exactly 1-3 months old, my child had been forced to do this to himself in order for her to even acknowledge him. He was removed from the home in May 2007, and spent the next 5 months bouncing from home to home. He had a severe case of Eczema, and continued to scratch himself to death, and no one wanted him. They labeled him a "behavior issue," and basically had to beg people to care for him. He also was so underweight that they had labeled him Failure to Thrive. My question is...How is a five month old a behavior problem?! I just wish we had found him sooner.

From the moment I took him out of his car seat, he never once cried, or acted like he didn't want to be around me because I was a stranger. The case manager even commented on how we quickly bonded, and stated that he had never been so calm and serene before around anyone. She told me that she felt like he just knew that this was his home. I giggled in delight and told her that, "of course it was, because he is my Pumpkin Baby." To this day I still call him my Pumpkin Baby, and if you ask lil JB why mommy's favorite holiday is Halloween, he will tell you that it is because he was my pumpkin baby. I also tell him that he was born in our hearts on Halloween. So, Halloween will always be a special holiday for our family.

The case manager informed us that lil JB's mother was still in the picture, and that she was supposed to visit him on a regular basis. This usually turned into maybe a visit once a month, and he also saw his 1/2 sister who was just a year older than him at the visits too. His mother was working on a case plan to get him back, but was very unstable and did not have a stable home or job. They also did not know who his biological father was. This was a relief to us, because it just meant that if they could not identify the father, that in the event the mother failed her case plan and her rights were terminated, that we could probably easily adopt lil JB. Little did we know what kind of bumpy road was heading our way! This pic is the first pic we took of him, the day after he came to our home! Sorry it is so grainy...I have carried it around so many place to show him off to so many people that it is rather worn now!

Til next time!

June Bud~

A New Kind of Wait...

Well, the last time I had to wait, I was waiting for MR. JB's SA results. We all know that the results we got were not good, so we have decided to move onto adoption. I am sitting here typing this, and I am trying so hard to not be irrational. The day after we decided to go ahead with working towards adoption, I contacted the agency that we had fostered through to find out the process of having our home reopened as an adoptive home. I spoke to the woman who had originally licensed our home and worked with us for the two years we fostered, and she led me in the right direction. Little did I know everything would come to a screeching halt. I first emailed the woman who I need to speak with in regards to becoming an adoptive home. This was last Wednesday, and by Friday I still had not heard anything. So, I decided to drop her another quick email. She did write me back, wanting to know what would be a good time to call me that day. I gave her a huge open window (basically from 11 am on), and waited anxiously for her phone call. It never came. So, the weekend went by and I just enjoyed being with my family. We have some great friends who are our neighbors, and we attended a surprise birthday party at their house. I also babysat overnight for my friends one year old, which helped me get my baby fix. Monday rolled around, and I was very busy at work, but I took a moment to call the woman at the agency. Left her a message, gave her two different phone numbers to reach me on, and waited. She never called me back. Patience is not my best virtue, and I understand they are busy. But, in my mind, having a potential adoptive home ready to go that has already had a home study, and just needs to be reopened would have me jumping for joy. Oh well, I know I am not on the top her list, but when you have gone through what we have with trying to get pregnant, not getting pregnant, and then getting the news of not being able to get pregnant, you really, REALLY, REALLY want to move forward and as quickly as possible. I emailed her again yesterday to try to touch base and yet again, got no response. I just feel like it is never going to happen. I told Mr. JB my concerns, and of course he is urging me to be patient. RIGHT. I also brought up domestic infant adoption again, and that is just not in the cards right now, as the money would be an issue. Sigh. Waiting. It SUCKS!

My thoughts thus far

Well, it is Thursday and has been three days since the news of Mr. JB's SA came back. We have told many of our friends and family the situation we face, and everyone has been very supportive. They of course, remind us of the fact that God can work in mysterious ways, and that I may turn up pregnant soon. Right. Well, if that does indeed happen, I would be ecstatic, but I am not holding my breath. Anyways, it feels good to have a plan in action. I have gotten in touch with the counselor at the child welfare agency that would need to help get things in gear for us to be re licensed as an adoptive home. This SHOULD be a pretty painless process, with little red tape to go through, since we only gave up our foster care license about 8 months ago. I am waiting to hear back from her in regards to what our next step will be. I am such an impatient person, that it is KILLING me waiting to hear from her. But, I know that I need to sit back and relax. This is one time that you CAN give me the advice to relax, and I will not bite your head off.

I do still feel sad at times about the way all of this has played out. Mr. JB and I used to always talk about what would happen if we weren't able to have kids, but it is a whole different ballgame when they actually TELL you that you can't. I get sentimental when I think about not being pregnant, or not feeling my baby kick, or not get to go into labor, or breastfeed etc. But, then I look into Lil JB's eyes, and I remember how good God can be, because he did bless us with him through foster care and adoption. We fought very hard for him, and it was a tough 2 year battle. If Mr. JB and I can get through that, and come out on top and strong, then we can do anything. I truly believe this. There were times I cried myself to sleep when we were sure lil JB was going to leave to go live with some relative who was a STRANGER to him. I pictured him waking up in the middle of the night crying for me, and me not being able to be there to help him. I pictured him wondering why we left him, and nobody being able to give him any answers. My heart would be torn out and broken into pieces while I imagined the worst, only for a few weeks to go by and for things to look up and seem to be going in our favor. Then we would be on a blissful high that no one could take us down from. We dealt with a lot over those two years, and we always leaned on each other and held each others hand along the way. Many couples may have been broken apart dealing with the stress we dealt with, but for us, it was a huge learning experience and made us appreciate what we had even more and learn to lean on one another in serious times of need.

I fantasize about what our child will look like, and if it will be a boy or a girl. I know that our darling child is out there, and pretty soon we will get to meet them.

OMG, Just Give Me The Dirt !

I posted a couple of days ago about waiting for the results of Mr. JB's SA. They had told him on Friday when he called (SA done on Thursday) that they should get the results in over the weekend, and would call him on Monday. So, of course being the annoying Mrs. JB that I am, I bugged him via email all day to call and find out the results. Well, he got really busy and was not able too, and I was too scared to! So, he promised me he would call first thing this morning. When 11:50 rolled around, and I knew that the office would be going on lunch at 12, I decided to call myself. The nurse is really nice, but I am so frustrated now! She said that the results came in yesterday afternoon, but the doctor was not in the office, so he would look at them today. I figured she meant that he would look at them and she would call me back with the results, but she clarified that he looks at them at the end of the day, and then depending on the results either he will give us a call or she will, and we should hear within a couple of days. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT. I have to wait a couple of more days???? I think I am going to explode.

And the waiting begins...again!

June Bud

Week One Down!

I have had a very busy week, and I really did not get to go into much detail with how everything panned out from my HSG. I have now spoken to my doctor a bit more in depth about things, and can see a clearer picture now. The HSG hurt so bad that my mind was still pretty hazy directly after, and it really did bother me that I was their for the HSG...when all I really wanted was to be there because I was PREGNANT. I can't remember if I told you that they gave me a pregnancy test before my HSG. This just about shattered my heart. I know it is probably routine to do this because they want to ensure you are not pregnant for risk to the baby if you underwent the procedure pregnant. But, jeez, it was really hard having them do that because I wanted so badly to be pregnant. It was only a pee test, but still. The little voice in my head kept saying, "BE PREGNANT!!!! Be pregnant! Maybe this whole PERIOD thing you are on is just a fluke!!!!" But lo and behold...it was negative.

I have completed my Clomid. My doctor prescribed this to me for days 5-9 of my cycle. He said that although my tube was clear, and that it appears I do ovulate each month, he wanted to ensure O happened and did not want to waste this cycle. From days 10-13 I am on Estrace 3 times a day. Then from days 16-30, I am on a vaginal insertion of Prochieve, which is a Progesterone cream injected into the vagina that helps thicken the lining of your uterus and helps to 1. achieve pregnancy, and 2. sustain it if conception does indeed occur. Now, this med was 300$, which I chose not to pay. Not because we couldn't afford it, but that this money really needs to be saved in case we face other obstacles in our TTC journey. So, my doc gave me samples for the 14 days I need it, which are a 4% level rather than an 8%. So, I will gamble with it this cycle and if no luck I will discuss with Mr. JB about buying the regular prescribed amount out of pocket.

The Clomid was not too bad, but it did cause me to feel as if I was experiencing hot flashes at certain points of the day, but did not necessarily bother me just at night. It also did make me kind of moody, and gave me some sharp abdominal pains a few times a day. Oh, and wonderful gas. Yes, lots of gas LOL. But, other than that it was ok. I think I am coming down with a cold, so I cannot necessarily tell how the Estrace is affecting me; but I can say that as I sit here and type this I am feeling a bit warm and hotflashy. :-)

Mr. JB also had his SA. Lucky for him, he did not have to sit in a cold room and watch 80's porn. He got to take the sample jar home, provide his sample and bring it back. Thank goodness I was at work. It would have just been weird, lol. But, he did have a very funny encounter upon returning the little brown bag with his specimen in it...

I had left the jar and the brown paper bag on the counter for him, as I had picked the jar up at my HSG appointment. There was also a label for him to affix to the jar with his name, etc on it. I had left a piece of paper nearby that I had filled out with some necessary info the doctor needed on it, and left it next to the paper bag. So, before I leave for work, Mr. JB asks me, "Should I masturbate more than once so that they have a bigger amount to look at?" Me, "um, no honey...they need to see what your ACTUAL specimen contains and its motility when you ejaculate, so doing it multiple times would not give us an accurate answer." Mr. JB, "Ok, ok."

So, we had already discussed the issue of amount, etc. I know he wants to feel adequate, so I knew where he was coming from as soon as he asked it...but, still. It gets funnier though...

He does what he needs to do and heads to the lab to turn in the specimen. He hands the lady the paper bag awkwardly, and waits. She looks in the bag, looks at Mr. JB and says, "Is this it???" Mr. JB about DIES, and thinks oh GOD! I DON'T Produce ANYTHING!!!!!!! He is sooo mortified now, and stutters, "Uh, ya." She says, "Oh, ok well there is supposed to be a piece of paper in here." He remembers then that he had stuck the piece of paper in his pocket. He hands it to her and sighs a huge sigh of relief. The poor women was probably thinking he was crazy. HAHAHAHA!

Anyhow, now to wait for the results and pray. Mr. JB really feels the issue lies with him. I of course, think it is me. So, then I bring my best friend up to date on everything, as she lives 1500 miles away from us. She mentions to me that maybe the issue IS with Mr. JB because of Chemotherapy and Radiation he had to undergo for a lengthy period of time as a child due to tumors in his leg that kept growing back. I had NEVER, EVER thought that may be the cause of our issue, but the more said talked about it, the more sense it made. Now, I am REALLY nervous to find out the results.

Waiting Stinks. But, here I sit and pray.

June Bud