Cramps and a Bad Attitude

My temps have plumetted over the past 2 days. Not surprised tho. I knew my lack of symptoms were telling me the truth. I'm not sure why I was even disappointed on Saturday when I tested and got a BFN again. I should be used to the disappointment but it still put me in a crappy mood on Sunday. I spent the entire day cleaning just to try and keep my mind off of it. Lately, I find myself trying to do things to put my mind somewhere else. I'm so consumed with frustration and obsessed during the 2WW it's ALL I can think about. Work is boring so all I do is google this crap all day. (Not literally crap for all you sick minded like myself who are entertained by it) I've started trying to read more which has really seemed to help. Watching too much t.v. doesnt do the trick b/c after the show is over I realize I'm right back in my shitty situation again. I've gotten into baking/decorating cupckaes and of course have tried to stay busy with my other hobbies. Keeping my mind occupied has def started to help.

I have been talking to Mr.BB for those who are wondering. I'm still exceptionally frustrated with him though. I tried to talk to him last night but all he does is shut down when I try to talk about something serious. However, he did tell me that he thinks something is wrong with him and that he has has "pain" on one side of his you know what for the past couple of years. He seems to think they are "twisted." Why he hasn't gone to the doctor about this is beyond me. This could be our answer and he chooses to not care. Then he makes jokes that he has cancer and that he would rather not know if he is going to die from it. This man kills me. So, now I will have to begin a 6 month battle with him to try and talk him into going to the doctor.

I feel as if there is no point in TTC until this thing with his "boys" can be worked out. Maybe I will see what its like to not obsess for a month or two. I'm dealing with the most stubborn man in the Midwest so God only knows how long it will take him to go have this checked out. I'm going on vacation to Florida at the end of May so maybe I will try to enjoy those days by drowning in Bud Light while smoking a pack of Camels on the beach each day. Heck, I might even try Parasailing. Eff trying to protect my little ute for the next couple of months. I'm so sick and tired of being sad. I think if I were to get happy again I would be stuck so far in this depression that I wouldnt even be able to be happy again.

With that being said, you may not be hearing from me as much as you have lately. Of course I will post ANY updates as soon as they come. But I think I need a break. It's going to be difficult trying to not temp each morning. Hopefully I will be able to give myself a break......it's become an addiction.

So long for now.....

-Buckeye Bud

I Love You Snooki. I Hate You Snooki. I Love You Snooki.

Sorry I havn't posted in a while. I've just been really down lately. There are so many lucky women announcing their pregnancies that it just makes me feel so hopeless. I'm pretty sure I counted 13 women on my FB in the past three months makes their announcements. EVEN FRIGGIN SNOOKI IS KNOCKED UP (for the record, I effing love her)! It's bittersweet. I can't imagine living a life where this wasn't on my mind 24/7.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO happy that these women can experience this joy. But I sometimes imagine what my life would be like if I knew for sure this was never going to happen for me. And to be honest, it really does mess with your will to live. I'm a woman and it's my job to make and raise babies and the thought that this may never happen kills my spirit. But I won't give up....the hope is all I have to hold onto. On paper, it seems I have so many things worked out. My 4 pregnancy losses have been explained (so they say). But then in the back of my mind those aren't concrete answers so I'm left thinking.....what if these reasons weren't what caused them like they think.

My PCOS being discovered gave me hope for a minute. But then it faded because I study my Fertility Friend Chart probably 10X a day. It was my understanding that with PCOS a lot of women don't ovulate. Which is why I thought I wasn't getting KU. But According to my OPK's and several of my charts I do show that I ovulated (temp spike). That then leads me to think that maybe my hormones are saying I ovulated but the egg was never actually released. Then I start thinking, "well maybe it's Mr. BB!" Or maybe it's my CM. Maybe the consistency is off! AHhh what a mess I have going on inside my own mind. I need out.....but a break is not even an option in my world.

So that's where I'm at emotionally. Physically, I'm doing so so. I am currently on my 4th week of Glumetza (Metformin). I am at 1500mg each day and I'm not sure when I will be able to add in another 500mg. Week 1 was fine with 500mg. Then on week 2 I started at 1000mg. That's when I started to get insanely nauseous and my appetite dimished. I got brave 10 days later and started the 1500mg. I still feel nauseous but not as badly as before. I've noticed that about an hour after I eat (no matter what I eat) I feel SO hungry again. WTF?! I thought this was supposed to help me lose weight?! Nothing at all sounds good to eat but then I'm starved at the same time. This is bullshit if ya ask me. I'm hoping it's just a temporary side effect and will go away once I hit 2000mg's a day. We'll see.

Here are some of my other updates:

CD 3-7 I took my fertility med Femara (alternate to Clomid) each day for these 5 days.
CD 8-9 ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor stated Low Fertility.
CD 10- ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor stated High Fertility. Increase in CM. Did the BD.
CD 11- ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor stated High Fertility. Increased CM. Positive OPK.

I feel well equipped.....so beat it AF.....I don't wanna see your ugly mug anymore for a while! However, if that bish does decide to come this month, I have plans to get some PreSeed Sperm Friendly Lubricant. I get SO burnt out on the BD by day2 that my poor vajay get's tired! (LOL...sorry TMI). Maybe then Mr.BB's little swimmers will be more apt to hang around for a longer period of time up there. THEN, in 2 months, if that doesn't work, Mr. BB has to throw in the towel, swallow his pride, and go get tested himself. In the meantime, I will continue to take my synthetic folic acid, 81mg of Asprin, Glumetza, and my NeevoDHA prenatal.

So that's where I'm at and that's our plan Stan. I'll keep everyone updated on this CBEFM and if it matches up with my FF chart.

Buckeye Bud - An Introduction to My Journey

I am SO excited to not only be the newest addition to this blog but also to be joining an amazing group of women with similar life struggles. I never imagined how hard this journey would be or why God would choose me to be a passenger on this unfair journey. Here is a quick wrap-up about how I got here today.

My first pregnancy occurred in July 2010. I went in for my ten week Ultrasound on a Friday and found out my baby stopped growing at seven weeks. I had a missed miscarriage that weekend and a DNC the following Monday. I was completely and utterly devastated beyond belief. I had never in my entire life felt pain to that magnitude. My life was over, my dream was destroyed, and the light at the end of the tunnel was 20 light-years away. Everyone I encountered seemed to say all the wrong things. “It wasn’t meant to be,” or “it will happen again just be patient” were some of the worthless rubbish I heard on a daily basis. People didn’t mean to be cruel; they just don’t know what to say in situations like that.

Three very long months later I got pregnant again. Shocker…another miscarriage at six weeks. Four months later I got pregnant AGAIN and had a miscarriage at six weeks. By this time, I was completely numb from the pain. I had cried so much over the past year that I was completely out of tears by the time I found out about an unexpected tubal pregnancy in August 2011. A persons mind is a very sensitive thing and for it to be beat up so much in so little time put me in such a deep depression I never thought I would find my way out. But hope has pulled me out.....it's all I have left!

My goal of joining this blog are to become a support system for other women in situations similar to my own. Helping others helps with healing my own self, so I am tremendously eager to get started!

-Buckeye Bud

A start of a new cycle

Quick update on me: Last cycle was a bust and I am not pregnant. I have an appointment tomorrow with my OB to figure out the next step in the TTC process for me. I am nervous about what he might suggest but ready to move forward and finally get pregnant. I will be sure to post any updates.

Also need to apologize for my sparse updates lately. I have been trying to keep myself busy and my mind off the setbacks of TTC. I mean to post, but when I sit down to actually write something the sadness becomes overwhelming. Basically I was trying to avoid my emotions. And I didn't want to depress people with my Debbie Downer attitude. It truly is not my personality!. But bottling up emotions is not best and I hate to admit that lately I have taken out some of my TTC frustration on Mr. PB&J. Poor guy. We had a heart to heart talk this weekend and I feel better about where we've been, where we are and where we're going. I have learned that I need to talk about my feelings so I will be posting more regularly. Today I woke up and felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. It's amazing what communication can do!!

I hate to post and run, but I am going to post and run. I have a busy day but like I promised earlier, I will post tomorrow with updates from my doctors appointment. Hope everyone is having a GREAT day :)

Losing Hope at 10 DPO

This morning I awoke to pure excitement thinking today would be THE day. Today would be the day my life would change forever. Today would be the day I would get that BFP I have deperately wishing for. I hopped out of bed at 5:00 AM knowing that it was finally an acceptable time to test. I had only been counting down the hours since the morning before. I had woken up at 2 AM but I decided to get a few more hours of sleep and let my HCG hormones build up. I had also fought back the urge to test at 8 PM the night before during a moment of weakness. I quietly slipped in the bathroom, being sure not to wake a sleeping Mr. PB&J and grabbed a HPT. I took a deep breath as I tore open the packaging with a mix of emotions playing through my head. I waited in pure agony as the result window was washed over with urine.

::Nothing. Nothing. Test line. Hmm. Where's the result line? Why is it not showing up? Don't lose hope. Maybe it just hasn't been enough time. You are only 10 DPO, your HCG levels are still week, if at all present::

While I am looming over the bathroom counter starring at test results I have seen all too often, and hoping that when the three minute window has lapsed I will see two glorious lines, I get a glimpse of my bathroom trash. At first I laugh. Holy fuck, I am only 10 DPO. Haha. I'm pathetic.

But then another emotion creeps in. Saddness. Sadness for the $30 of test I have wasted in the last three days. I feel like a junkie. And I feel sadness for the hope I have lost with each negative test. Not just the hope I'd lost over the last three days but the hope I'd lost over the last year. Every month my bathroom trash can shows a similar picture. And a years worth of sadness boils over and I start to tear up.

Today I am having a hard time accepting the failures over the last year. This one year mark is a tough pill to swollow. While I know it would be foolish to say this cycle is a bust I just can't believe I am here. 1 full year of TTC and nothing to show for it. Depression is not something I am accustomed to. But each month, around 10 DPO, my hope turns to despair. I'm an optimist and TTC is beginning to change that.

I just want to get these next few days over with so I can move on. Move on to another cycle (or pregnancy.......not likely) and a new attitude. Like I said I am an optimist at heart and somehow, someway my hope is renewed with each cycle day 1. If I lose hope, then what? But maybe that iswhy I crash so hard come 10 DPO? But I can't lose hope....

**Side Note - I do typically use internet cheapies to support my POAS habit. Just this cycle I ran out and my only option was to buy a box (or two) of HPTs from Wal-Mart. Well, ok, that really that wasn't my only option. My other option would have been NOT to test. But that's not gonna happen. I just don't want any of you to think financially irresponsible as well lacking in self control. I do have limits :P**

PB&J Bud :)

I thought I was alright with this

I don't know if it is because of all the AF hormones or what, but I am completely falling apart. Last night my good friend had her baby, the first in our group. I am incredibly happy for her and her husband and I can't wait to meet the new little girl. That being said, I can't keep myself together. I didn't think this birth would affect me this way. I made it through the shower and weekly calls, monthly visits. I made it through discussions of nurseries, day care, cute baby outfits. With the exception of the initial announcement (to which I fell apart), I made it through everything with barely a chocked up feeling. Now I am that crazy teacher that cries for now reason. Seriously, I cried four times today at work, three times when students were near. The best moment was after school during practice for the school musical when an eighth grade girl was singing about the "joys of motherhood" and I had to run from the auditorium in tears. Really? When did I become this woman?

It is just so hard to think about. My friend and her husband got married only a two months after Mr. Plannerbud and I. We started TTC together and were excited to "go through it together." Here we are about 18 months later and they are holding their darling little girl and I am crying in the middle of a lessons on prepositions. "Yes, students, tears are falling from my eyes. From is a preposition."

I just don't even know how to put myself together. I can longer be the strong the one. I guess I should talk to the admins about changing my name to Bitter Bud. I guess I am going to be the downer of the crew.

Pity Party - Table for 1

I was planning on posting today about Mr. TB's urology appointment, but all I can think about is my temp drop today.  I finally got the results of my 7DPO blood work yesterday.  My progesterone was 11.3, which is better that the previous 7.35, but not by enough.  Apparently they want to see +10 for a regular cycle, but +15 for a medicated cycle, which mine was.  The Dr. wasn't in today, but the nurse is going to talk to her and call me today.  I don't think she'll do anything because she said that the 7DPO b/w will be too late for this cycle, and she said that she doesn't want to do anything with progesterone until after I get my thyroid checked out with the endocrinologist, which won't be until the end of cycle 9.  

I know that may not sound like a long time, but we also just had to push our appointment with the RE back as well, because Mr. TB can't make our original appointment.  That appointment is now May 10th, which won't be until the start of cycle 11.  So I'm just having myself a pity party.  This cycle is probably a bust, and it feels like the next 2 will be as well. 

I've also been eating like crap the last 2 days.  I've been crazing junk food like none other - fries, chips, soda, etc.  I'm sure I'm putting on weight which I really can't afford to do.  I was hoping that the crazing might mean something (even though I know that's ridiculous) but now I'm just mad at myself for giving in.  Blah.

Shot through the heart at dinner

Yesterday my FET was officially proclaimed a negative (via email, at my request). Today I picked up Mr. GB's records and shuttled his thin stack and my gigantic stack to clinic #2. I knew exactly where to go--it's right next door to the MFM clinic where we got such horrible news this summer. I was a little taken aback walking in and seeing a male receptionist, but I instantly liked him when he offered to photocopy all of my records. Any bit of compassion helps these days so I accepted his offer and browsed their various brochures. Picked up one for an acupuncture clinic (yay, another out-of-pocket expense) and made my way home to file away the copies in a locked drawer. Nothing to see here.

Tonight we went to my dad/step-mom's house for dinner. All their Christmas cards were on display and I saw two that ripped my heart out--two photo cards of babies of family/friend couples we know, both of whom got married AFTER us and are substantially younger. Good for them having sex & making babies! That's so awesome. One was even due on my due date. She got to keep her baby and put it on a Christmas card. I got to send out yet another card featuring Golden Dog (for the third in a row). Is this what our lives will be like--perpetual Christmas cards of our dog? Won't people start to feel sorry for us? Do they already?