I am too hormonal and tired to really be too witty tonight. I did want to say though that my FET is scheduled for Friday morning. We are planning to transfer two of our three frozen embryos. I hope that we can get at least two. My RE told us that not all embryos thaw successfully and we can be left with any where between zero and three embryos. I haven't been very confident about the chances of this happening, but someone on one of my board groups just got pregnant with her first FET, so here is hope.
I just found out that family friend is going through a FET as well. Almost two years ago, she had her first IVF to have her daughter. Her and her husband are trying to their second. The first IVF didn't work, so they will be doing a FET later this summer. A huge part of me hopes that I get pregnant first. I know it is very b*tchy, but I know it would be very painful to have her get pregnant with her second before I even get my first. It doesn't make it any easier that she and I go to the same clinic, just different doctors. Good luck to both us!
Showing posts with label jealousy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jealousy. Show all posts
June 28, 2011
April 20, 2011
Confession time: I'm still angry
I don't know why, but this whole pregnancy I have been watching my "baby is the size of what fruit" ticker like a hawk, just waiting to get to lime.
For some reason, I have always watched other people's tickers get to lime and it has seemed unreal. This safe haven of fruit size.
I think anytime you have trouble trying to conceive, you start to expect things to go wrong. I have had no spotting this entire time *knock on wood*, yet I still have been both terrified and sure something would go wrong. Even knowing the odds, hearing the heartbeat and knowing the risk is only 4%, I still expected it to be me. And why not? Month after month we had perfect timing, odds are it should have worked. But it didn't. It took 2 cycles of femara to get here, which is far less than a lot of women I know. Which I think is also part of the problem. When it takes a while, you start seeking out others having trouble, blogs, message boards, you find each other for support, but you also see all that can go wrong, and you think, "if it can happen to them, it can happen to me."
I've heard a lot of women say, and I fully agree that T-TTC takes the innocence away from TTC and pregnancy. You're never just happy, you're also cautious and terrified. We learn to be that way when TTC, when every month we say "maybe it will work, but probably not." And you hold you breath every day of the 2ww waiting for a temp drop, or a BFN, or that first spot.
I always thought that reaching lime would be this magic bullet. This time when I could stop being afraid, and angry about how this has all gone down. But I'm not. A friend whose wife is 23 weeks was joking yesterday about how when they conceived their baby, they sent their other kids to the grandparents for the weekend and announced to the world that they were going to make a baby that weekend. And guess what, they did. You'd think I wouldn't care anymore. That I would have stopped being jealous of him and everyone else who just decides to have a baby, and then does just like that. But I'm not, I'm still angry.
I am pregnant, and I am happy, and I love this baby, but I still don't quite believe that it will all end well. And I'm still jealous of those for whom becoming parents comes easy. I don't want to be. I hate being this bitter. I want to be happy for my friend even when he makes stupid insensitive comments. I thought I would be "over this" by now, but I'm not. I just wish I knew how to let it go and just be happy.
I think anytime you have trouble trying to conceive, you start to expect things to go wrong. I have had no spotting this entire time *knock on wood*, yet I still have been both terrified and sure something would go wrong. Even knowing the odds, hearing the heartbeat and knowing the risk is only 4%, I still expected it to be me. And why not? Month after month we had perfect timing, odds are it should have worked. But it didn't. It took 2 cycles of femara to get here, which is far less than a lot of women I know. Which I think is also part of the problem. When it takes a while, you start seeking out others having trouble, blogs, message boards, you find each other for support, but you also see all that can go wrong, and you think, "if it can happen to them, it can happen to me."
I've heard a lot of women say, and I fully agree that T-TTC takes the innocence away from TTC and pregnancy. You're never just happy, you're also cautious and terrified. We learn to be that way when TTC, when every month we say "maybe it will work, but probably not." And you hold you breath every day of the 2ww waiting for a temp drop, or a BFN, or that first spot.
I always thought that reaching lime would be this magic bullet. This time when I could stop being afraid, and angry about how this has all gone down. But I'm not. A friend whose wife is 23 weeks was joking yesterday about how when they conceived their baby, they sent their other kids to the grandparents for the weekend and announced to the world that they were going to make a baby that weekend. And guess what, they did. You'd think I wouldn't care anymore. That I would have stopped being jealous of him and everyone else who just decides to have a baby, and then does just like that. But I'm not, I'm still angry.
I am pregnant, and I am happy, and I love this baby, but I still don't quite believe that it will all end well. And I'm still jealous of those for whom becoming parents comes easy. I don't want to be. I hate being this bitter. I want to be happy for my friend even when he makes stupid insensitive comments. I thought I would be "over this" by now, but I'm not. I just wish I knew how to let it go and just be happy.
September 16, 2010
2WW Continues...and I'm Emotional
Well, my first 2WW continues! I was in a bit of a temp-induced panic for CD 4 and 5 when my temp plummeted (seriously, 95.9?!), but it's since come back up to a solid 97.4 for two days running. So I'm going to jump in and test (way too early) tomorrow if my temp stays elevated in the morning. When I decided this, I actually rolled my eyes at myself.
Here's the whine/vent: In other news, we found out some news today that was hard for me to take. Mr. Magnolia Bud's brother and sister-in-law are expecting their second baby (their first, our nephew, is about 20 months), and are due in February. Their family has NO girls, and they found out today they're having the family's first girl. We're both happy for them, but I'm upset and jealous that everything happens to them first, and we're not getting to be first with anything. It seems like everyone got married before us (my sister, his brother), and everyone is having babies before us too (both sides of the family plus friends), and the only thing we've excelled at so far is accumulating graduate degrees.
Now, I know that's not a bad thing. But I feel like we've both worked so hard at school our entire lives, and now that we're done and have our lives in proper "adult" order (you know, house/careers/savings/stability), it should be our turn right now. ***pouting***
Thanks for listening. I know this is only our first cycle TTC, and I'm thrilled that we're finally there. But I'm not good at having patience, let alone with something I've been wanting for so long. Here's hoping tomorrow's a better day!
Love and LOTS of baby dust to each of you on this sunny Thursday!
-Magnolia Bud
January 11, 2010
Surrounded
Surrounded is how I felt yesterday. Surrounded by reminders. Reminders that I am not pregnant.
Mr. Sassy Bud and I are close friends with another couple. They moved here about 4 years ago from Europe because he works for an automotive supplier with a company that has US locations in my area. We met this couple through mutual friends soon after they moved here, and it turned out they lived almost across the street from Mr. Sassy Bud and me. She is the only one of my friends I told about TTC. We wanted to have children close in age, and thought it would be fun to be pregnant together, but she wasn't quite ready to start TTC yet when we had our first conversation about it.
So, here we are, a year after I told her we were TTC. She stopped BCP in August, and got pregnant immediately. When her H told his employer last month that they were expecting, they got an unexpected response. They have to leave the U.S., soon. Of course I had planned on throwing her a baby shower, now it will just have to be much earlier than I had anticipated. The past week I've spent my free time searching for invitations, gathering addresses, addressing, planning, rushing.
Yesterday the four of us took a trip to Babies"R"Us to register for her shower. Aisles and aisles of baby products, baby clothes, pregnant women, and babies. I think I did a good job of showing her things I thought she would need, and wearing a smile throughout the day. I've become good at hiding my feelings throughout this process. In reality, I felt like I was suffocating. Why doesn't someone just give me a big glowing sign that says "Hi, my name is Sassy Bud, and my body doesn't work."
I did make it through the 2 hour BRU excursion. The good part was that I was able to spend time with some great friends that will be leaving soon. I also got to help pick out a lot of her registry items, and since I'm a shopaholic, that was exciting for me. She deserves to be pregnant, just like all women (with a few exceptions) and she will be an amazing mother. This is what I remind myself when I feel bitter.
After BRU we went to a maternity store to look for an outfit for her shower. I ended up just standing in a daze while she tried on outfits. I think the stress from the day finally hit me, and my body was not happy with me. I had extreme lower back pain, to the point where it was excruciating to even walk, along with a migrane. I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening in bed. It's amazing what stress can do to you physically.
I feel better today, thankfully. I have to focus on school, and that is very helpful in keeping my mind off of "other" things. In fact, this will probably be the most difficult semester I will have during my law school career, in terms of workload. Each week I have several hundred pages of reading, along with case briefs, analysis, charts, papers due, and research. It's a welcome distraction, and I am devoting myself fully to it.
If nothing else, it will keep me from staring at my chart every 5 minutes.
Mr. Sassy Bud and I are close friends with another couple. They moved here about 4 years ago from Europe because he works for an automotive supplier with a company that has US locations in my area. We met this couple through mutual friends soon after they moved here, and it turned out they lived almost across the street from Mr. Sassy Bud and me. She is the only one of my friends I told about TTC. We wanted to have children close in age, and thought it would be fun to be pregnant together, but she wasn't quite ready to start TTC yet when we had our first conversation about it.
So, here we are, a year after I told her we were TTC. She stopped BCP in August, and got pregnant immediately. When her H told his employer last month that they were expecting, they got an unexpected response. They have to leave the U.S., soon. Of course I had planned on throwing her a baby shower, now it will just have to be much earlier than I had anticipated. The past week I've spent my free time searching for invitations, gathering addresses, addressing, planning, rushing.
Yesterday the four of us took a trip to Babies"R"Us to register for her shower. Aisles and aisles of baby products, baby clothes, pregnant women, and babies. I think I did a good job of showing her things I thought she would need, and wearing a smile throughout the day. I've become good at hiding my feelings throughout this process. In reality, I felt like I was suffocating. Why doesn't someone just give me a big glowing sign that says "Hi, my name is Sassy Bud, and my body doesn't work."
I did make it through the 2 hour BRU excursion. The good part was that I was able to spend time with some great friends that will be leaving soon. I also got to help pick out a lot of her registry items, and since I'm a shopaholic, that was exciting for me. She deserves to be pregnant, just like all women (with a few exceptions) and she will be an amazing mother. This is what I remind myself when I feel bitter.
After BRU we went to a maternity store to look for an outfit for her shower. I ended up just standing in a daze while she tried on outfits. I think the stress from the day finally hit me, and my body was not happy with me. I had extreme lower back pain, to the point where it was excruciating to even walk, along with a migrane. I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening in bed. It's amazing what stress can do to you physically.
I feel better today, thankfully. I have to focus on school, and that is very helpful in keeping my mind off of "other" things. In fact, this will probably be the most difficult semester I will have during my law school career, in terms of workload. Each week I have several hundred pages of reading, along with case briefs, analysis, charts, papers due, and research. It's a welcome distraction, and I am devoting myself fully to it.
If nothing else, it will keep me from staring at my chart every 5 minutes.
October 20, 2009
Updates...
Hey everyone. I'm back - I needed to take a step back from everything & evaluate my options after my breakdown post last week. I wanted to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart to everyone for all the thoughts & prayers sent my way. It's just so disheartening that all of this is happening to me...to us. I know that many women have bigger problems on their hands TTC & I feel selfish, but I can't help but feel horribly for myself and my Mr. Worry Bud. Of course he is amazing & tells me that everything will be okay, I just need to be patient. :o) But, I guess it's the fact that I never ever thought I would encounter any road blocks in my TTC journey (who does?), so it was hard for me to accept that something not right is going on & it was all weighing heavy on my heart.
I am so fortunate to have a coworker who can relate to my situation - she is encountering some difficulty TTC, so she and I talk a lot about everything we both have going on. She gave me a referral to her RE to start getting tested & *hopefully* find out what's going on. She (like many other women on my favorite message board) said that she thinks I should just go straight to an RE since they specialize in fertility & they can most likely provide the best help. IDK why, but I have this fear that the Dr. & I will sit down to talk and he will be like you have been trying how long? Uhhh, why are you wasting my time? Then bust out laughing at me for being a crazy baby-obsessed woman (Or something along those lines)!
I know, I have absolutely NO reason to even think like that, but for some reason...I do. So after thinking long & hard about everything going on, I decided to take that step & call the RE. I am hoping this new Dr. will help me to figure out what's going on & get me pregnant ASAP! I can't wait to bring a little miracle into this world...and make my husband the happiest man in the world (again!). My appointment is coming up here quickly on November 3rd & I am both excited & scared at the same time. But, Mr. WB will be there with me & I know know he will help me to remain somewhat calm.
In other news, I was talking to my older sister yesterday (she's older by like 2.5 years) & she said she & her husband are about to start trying for baby #2. I hate feeling like this, but I am SUPER jealous...I wanted to be the next to get pregnant & I still may be, but still...hmph! I mean, don't get me wrong - I love my sister & I love my nephew & it'll be great to have another little niece or nephew, but I wanted to be the next one - you know what I mean? My nephew was an accident - in fact, she wasn't even married to her now husband at the time, so she said as soon as she gets off BCPs she will probably get KU again. Which means, we may be pregnant at the same time if all goes well with my RE! In a way that would be cool, but I also wanted to be the PG one! It would be my 1st though, so I have some satisfaction in that fact, lol. I'm literally LOL'ing as I type this b/c I sound sooo ridiculous saying all of this. Really, I'll be happy for my sister, just a little sad if she is pregnant AGAIN before we even get pregnant for the first time!
That's all I got for now - I am on CD6...still spotting from AF's appearance last week. I took a break from temping during her visit to see if I was less stressed not doing it & it honestly makes no difference. I don't think it's charting that stresses me out - it's the fact that my LPs have consistently been alarmingly short for the past 4 months & nothing I do is helping that is stressing me out. I also added in vitex this cycle, but I hear it sometimes takes several cycles for it to kick in so we shall see how that goes.
I am so fortunate to have a coworker who can relate to my situation - she is encountering some difficulty TTC, so she and I talk a lot about everything we both have going on. She gave me a referral to her RE to start getting tested & *hopefully* find out what's going on. She (like many other women on my favorite message board) said that she thinks I should just go straight to an RE since they specialize in fertility & they can most likely provide the best help. IDK why, but I have this fear that the Dr. & I will sit down to talk and he will be like you have been trying how long? Uhhh, why are you wasting my time? Then bust out laughing at me for being a crazy baby-obsessed woman (Or something along those lines)!
I know, I have absolutely NO reason to even think like that, but for some reason...I do. So after thinking long & hard about everything going on, I decided to take that step & call the RE. I am hoping this new Dr. will help me to figure out what's going on & get me pregnant ASAP! I can't wait to bring a little miracle into this world...and make my husband the happiest man in the world (again!). My appointment is coming up here quickly on November 3rd & I am both excited & scared at the same time. But, Mr. WB will be there with me & I know know he will help me to remain somewhat calm.
In other news, I was talking to my older sister yesterday (she's older by like 2.5 years) & she said she & her husband are about to start trying for baby #2. I hate feeling like this, but I am SUPER jealous...I wanted to be the next to get pregnant & I still may be, but still...hmph! I mean, don't get me wrong - I love my sister & I love my nephew & it'll be great to have another little niece or nephew, but I wanted to be the next one - you know what I mean? My nephew was an accident - in fact, she wasn't even married to her now husband at the time, so she said as soon as she gets off BCPs she will probably get KU again. Which means, we may be pregnant at the same time if all goes well with my RE! In a way that would be cool, but I also wanted to be the PG one! It would be my 1st though, so I have some satisfaction in that fact, lol. I'm literally LOL'ing as I type this b/c I sound sooo ridiculous saying all of this. Really, I'll be happy for my sister, just a little sad if she is pregnant AGAIN before we even get pregnant for the first time!
That's all I got for now - I am on CD6...still spotting from AF's appearance last week. I took a break from temping during her visit to see if I was less stressed not doing it & it honestly makes no difference. I don't think it's charting that stresses me out - it's the fact that my LPs have consistently been alarmingly short for the past 4 months & nothing I do is helping that is stressing me out. I also added in vitex this cycle, but I hear it sometimes takes several cycles for it to kick in so we shall see how that goes.
September 7, 2009
I'm lacking in everything, but jealousy.
I'm going to O any day now - and a couple of things have occurred to me...
- i've been extremely lax in my temp taking this cycle
- i've had several glasses of wine this month - more than I've had since the breast cancer scare started
- i've even been lax in my green tea drinking
In the past few months i've wondered at some women who seemed so affected by these other pregnancies, becacuse i didn't feel the same pain they did.
I do now.
Every announcement, every belly, every newborn coo makes me wonder if and when it will be me.
The jealousy is an ice pick through my heart. Physical pain. An actual ache.
I hope my lackadaisical attitude isn't because i'm giving up.
Will it ever be my turn?
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