They are in

On Wednesday we went in for the transfer in the morning. My acupuncturist arrived 45 mins before the transfer was scheduled and I did a 30 minute acupuncture treatment. Then we went in and saw the 15 embryos and talked with the embryologist about how they were looking. There was one embryo that was grade A and was starting to compact, one grade AB and a grade B that we put in. The rest were a mix of B's and C's but they were either unevenly grouped cells or fragmentation. The embryologist doesn't think that any will freeze but we should find out for sure tomorrow. So after picking our embryos and taking pictures of them I got ready for the transfer. It went smoothly and besides the nurse trying to get my uterus in focus in-between me laughing. I layed around for the obligatory 20 minutes until I could get up and finally empty my bladder. Having a full bladder is uncomfortable anyways but add on sore ovaries it makes it worse. Then I got to go back and lay down for another 30 minute acupuncture session. I fell asleep during the second session and jolted awake part way thru, I hate when that happens! Anyways, I was on bed-rest for two days and my wonderful friends came and visited so I wasn't bored and brought me mounds of food and treats. Today is day three and I can ease back into daily life and get back to some light exercise later in the week. I feel good, just a little hyper sensitive about every twinge that goes on with my body. Always looking for "signs" that those embryo's are doing something good, eventhough I do know that you can't feel anything. We get to test in 12 days so I am going out of town with my mom for a week and relaxing and eating some good food to take my mind off of the wait.

Fertilization Report

So it looks like we had a total of 22 egss retrieved, 21 were mature and 15 fertilized. It looks like Wednesday mid-afternoon will be our transfer day. Last night I had a strange stomach pains and broke into a cold sweat, I was worried that it might by OHSS but I wasn't sure. Luckily the pains subsided eventually and I have been feeling better. I think this time around I am a bit more sensitive to the medications and the retrieval. Keeping my fingers crossed that Wednesday we will have some good strong embryos to transfer.

Twinges

All day I have been feeling what you might describe as "twinges" or a "pinching" feeling on my left side. I am going to go with that it is those little embryos implanting, if not whatever it is just better knock it off!!

Remaining Embryo Update

The Dr. called and said that none of the 11 remaining embryos did not make it to blastocyte stage and therefore none were frozen. I thought I would be more bummed about it since I was soo excited about the potential of having some snow babies. I think all the talking from family and friends that the importance is more on what embryos are put in than what is frozen. I wasn't hopeful the prior two times since we didn't really have any eggs to freeze.

So we have 3 embryos hopefully hatching and starting to implant in my lovely uterus!

2 WW in Progress

I am three days into my 2 WW, and yes it is still as nerve racking as the other two IVF cycles. I have been trying to stay off the IVF chat groups and reading peoples worries because of course they become mine!! I did do a little research about 10 and 12 cell embryos and if that meant they were stronger than the normal 8 cell day 3 embryos. The 12 cell embryo is called a morula, the stage right before blastocyte, and the 10 cell embryo is an intermediate growing embryo. Both of these have higher implantation rates and are supposed to be, statistically, stronger embryos than the 8 cell. I will take that as this time is the lucky round of IVF!!

I have been laying around, flat on my back with my head raised higher than my feet so those embryos stay low in my uterus. I know they say once they are in there isn't much you can do except wait and pray that it will be successful. I am a bit paranoid that my one tube will suck those embryos right out of my uterus thinking they are foreign objects instead of expensive babies that I desperately want to stay put!! I have been minimizing the amount of time I am standing or sitting to make sure my uterus is calm and relaxed as well. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed that these little embryos are growing and thriving in my uterus!!

Embryo Transfer

They are in!!! It was a bit different this time around in seeing the embryos than in Panama. The microscope is in this NICU looking bed so we could walk into the same room and actually look into the microscope to look at each one. There were 4 that were looking the most promising so we only looked at those since really there are 14 to look at. The embryologist had a sheet that has been tracking each embryo from fertilization that showed us how they have grown and changed each day, that was pretty cool to see. Of the 4 we had 2 A and 2 B grade embryos to choose from. The first A was a 12 cell with less than 5% fragmentation, the second A was a 10 cell with less than 5% fragmentation, the first B was a 6+2 (6 even sized cells + 2 smaller uneven sized cells) cell with less than 5% fragmentation and the second B was 4+4 cell with 15% fragmentation. It was pretty cool how the embryologist knew which embryo was where on the petri dish and I like how well he explained the qualities of each one to Mr. Explorer Bud and I. He showed us our name that was written on the petri dish and then each dot of liquid to the right of our name going clockwise was a different embryo. The other 10 embryos were varying degrees of B's and C's but were uneven cell sizes and/or fragmented. The embryologist said there is about a 10% chance the other 10 will freeze and if they have a fragmentation over 45% they will not freeze them. We find out in 2 days if any will freeze.
Getting back to the embryo transfer, talking with the Dr. and embryologist they suggested I put back the 2 A's and one of the B grade embryos due to my age, PCOS, Hypothyroidism, tubal pregnancy and past failures in IVF. I agreed and so we then got to pick between the two B's. Funny that we are choosing which embryo we will put back??!! That is IVF for you so weird but cool at the same time!! I was talking with some friends the other night and we were laughing because I know the exact process of how the female body produces follicles, eggs, ovulates, travels, fertilizes and attaches. I apparently went to reproductive school by being infertile, an expensive education!!
With the help of the embryologist we chose the 4+4 B grade embryo because it was a more evenly dividing embryo even though it had a higher fragmentation. The transfer itself went smoothly, the nurse commented that my lining was looking good since she could see it on the ultrasound clearly and the whole process was smooth and painless. I was worried that there would be some discomfort with my cervix but there was none. I get to be on bed rest for the next two days and modified bed rest the next two days, then ease into normal activity. I am feeling good about this transfer and the embryos we chose so I am feeling hopeful at this point.

Embryo Update

Mr. Explorer Bud once again got the phone call for the embryo update!! So I had to call to get more clarification on the report. We have 4 good embryos and 10 that have a lot of fragmentation and aren't growing as well. When I spoke with the Dr. he said that they will keep watching the 10 and if they make it to blastocyte stage they will freeze them and it means they are hearty embryos. Great that we have 4 good ones and a bit bummed that 10 are not doing well. I think you always want them all to be great and grow but I need to just remember the positive aspects of this cycle. Also, we may change the transfer day to this afternoon but we will have to wait and see how the embryos are growing.

The Waiting Game.

Tomorrow will mark 3 weeks since we discovered our baby didn't have a heartbeat. Honestly, it feels like forever ago. There was denial (the doctor could be wrong, right?) numbness, and TONS of tears. I'll admit that I'm doing much better now, but tears still come to my eyes when I least expect it.

I opted for a natural miscarriage. A few friends were surprised to learn about my decision. In fact, one response was, "Dear God, bless you." Another friend asked, "Why?" I honestly could not answer. It was just what I wanted. I wanted (for once) my body to do something naturally. I wanted to be able to say goodbye to our child on "my" terms.

Sadly, that didn't work out. I never miscarried. I returned to my doctor this afternoon, and she told me that we could wait another week and see what happens. I chose to go ahead with the D&C. Not to sound cold- but, I'm ready to move forward and I feel like the longer we prolong this, the longer it will take to prepare my body for the FET.

My D&C is scheduled for Monday morning.

I was able to ask my RE a lot of questions pertaining to the FET (I'm obviously a planner). She said that we will transfer two embryos this time instead of one (we did one for our fresh cycle). She also told me that they are seeing a greater success with their FETs compared to their fresh cycles. She went on to explain that my body will be under much less stress, and she promised that our frozen embryos were of excellent quality.

I learned that they freeze the embryos in sets of two. And, I also learned that they don't freeze the "best of the best" together. Since my clinic is trying to reduce the number of multiple births, they freeze a "top notch" embryo with a mediocre embryo. Regardless, my RE told me that our chance of success is 53%. It was 50% for our fresh cycle. I'll take it!

Now- if only I could fast-forward til' February. Perhaps I should change my name to Impatient Bud!

-Bossy Bud

5 Days Post Transfer

It is day five of the 2WW. Today is the last day that the embryo's should be hatching and starting to implant. By Tuesday they are supposed to be completely implanted and growing so hopefully at least one of those four are doing what they are supposed to!! I have felt some pinching feelings the past few days but I am not sure if it is the upset stomach from Metformin or implantation twinges. Hard to say unless I can look inside and see what is going on in there!! This is what a six day old embryo implanting looks like, weird huh?!


Photo Credit



Today was the Progesterone shot in the left cheek which is the most sensitive and I did a lot of walking, squatting, leg swings and this time there is not a big knot and hopefully no bruise either!! Tomorrow we fly back to the States!! YEAH!!

Embryo's On Board

My mom and I drove all the way to the Dr.'s office all by ourselves!! We were really nervous since this was only the second time to do it and the first without following someone. There is a huge three lane round-a-bout that we have to drive around which in Utah not that difficult in Panama a whole different story. We did it though and got a parking spot near the office and even got there early. We did get a delicious snow cone before heading out so I think the sugar eased the jitters and helped us get there!!



After consulting with Mr. Explorer Bud, my mom, the Dr., God, a few friends, and of course the internet I decided to go with 4 embryo's to implant. It is fun to get dressed into the surgical outfit then get taken to the dark room to view those little embryo's. It is like my own personal science experiment!! The four are all grade one and 8 cell so hopefully at least one of them takes. Then we get to head back to the "Operating Room" to do the Transfer. Of course I just have the little paper gown that opens in the front so pretty much you are spread eagle with the gown wide open. At least I am not embarrassed about my naked self otherwise it would make for a very uncomfortable procedure. I have the Dr., the scientist, my mom and the nurse all getting a good look at those nether regions!! This time I learned that I don't need to drink very much water for my bladder to be full, last time they said to drink 6 to 8 glasses of water so I did and had to let out my bladder several times because I was very uncomfortable! But the procedure itself isn't uncomfortable and is only about 15 minutes long. Then I get to lay on the table and chill out for a while which is nice.

I am supposed to be only sitting or laying on my back, walking no more than a mile per day, no hanging out in the sun, no activities that will make me sweat and don't get stressed. All easily done but it does make the 2WW a really long time since I am not doing much except work and home!

Embryo transfer complete!

Today I am 2dp5dt. (In English, 2 days past my 5 day transfer).

A 5 day transfer is done 5 days after the egg retrieval (as opposed to a 3dt, which is 3 days past the ER). 5 day transfers are usually done when you have a lot of high quality embryos and they want to see which ones are the best on day 5. I am lucky to have had 6 perfect ones on day 3 so they waited until day 5 to do my transfer.

The ET itself was quick and easy. They let Mr. Sassy Bud come in with me and we got to watch on a TV screen as the embryologist scooped the embryos up in the catheter and brought them into our room. Then we got to watch them being inserted on the ultrasound machine.

I can't remember the specific grading of the embryos, but they were great! Here's a picture of them:

At this stage they are called blastocysts. The mass is where the baby will form.

They also gave us a picture of where the embryos were placed:

The plus marks are where the embryos are. Not many people get an ultrasound this early, so I guess that is a benefit of IVF! Haha. I had a progesterone draw today. I will have my beta pregnancy blood draw one week from today. I'm not sure if I can keep from POAS until then, but I will probably have Mr. Sassy Bud hide all my tests so I don't test too early.

Kissed goodbye 26 eggs

I swear I'm going to change my name to "Bitter Bud" with the way things are going.

I just got our fertilization report: Out of 38 eggs retrieved, we only have 12 embryos. Where did the other 26 eggs go? Why did they fertilize abnormally, or not at all? And how many of those will survive to Sunday? Do we also have a sperm problem here? I was too dumbfounded to ask. My doctor said the number of embryos was good and that retrievals over 20 eggs tend to have diminished returns. I'm not good at math, but I'd say a 31% fertilization rate is not good at all.

More and more I think I was a fool to pin all my hopes on this cycle. Yeah it got me through four months of infertility limbo, but the cycle is turning into one disappointment after another. I told Mr. GB months this summer that I wanted to stop treatments when I turned 40 (this Feb.), but he would hear nothing of it. Well hon, write a check for $22k, pick out another donor, and let me know when it's time to transfer embryos. Or hire a surrogate and let me know when the baby is born. Or figure out how to adopt.

I want off this ride. It makes me sick to my stomach and it's not fun anymore.

Embies on board!!!

We just got back from our embryo transfer and everything went great! I had 4 embryos that had grown and divided like they were supposed to, and the doctor took us right back to the lab to see them and explain each one. We had 1 grade 1 (which is the best) and 3 grade 2's.

We went into the procedure room and found out that my lining was at 10mm!!! I was so very excited about that...it's so important to have a nice, fluffy place for the embies to get comfortable. We were able to watch everything on the screen, and saw a little white flash when the embryos went in to my uterus. It was just amazing.

I had to lay on the table for 10 minutes afterwards, which was torture because I had to go to the bathroom so bad. You have to drink a ton of water so you have a full bladder which helps the doctor guide everything in via ultrasound. That was the worst part of the whole thing...all the other parts were quick and easy.

The embryologist came and talked to us after it was done, and said the grade 2 we put back was actually very close to a grade 1, so both were excellent quality.

We were able to take a video when we were in the lab, so here are Olive and Oliver! We think they look like little olives =)

I have embies!!!

Yesterday was my egg retrieval and it went better than we could have hoped. I was very nervous beforehand, but it was a piece of cake. I changed into my lovely hospital gown, hat and booties, laid on the table, the anesthesiologist set up my IV and...that's all I remember! I was completely out of it and couldn't even tell you how long it lasted. The next thing I remember is waking up in a different room and the doctor telling me he retrieved EIGHT eggs. I was so excited since at my last ultrasound on the 10th we only saw five. I think three of them must have been a little camera shy =) but I'm glad they found their way out. I rested for a bit, got my first progesterone shot (which didn't hurt but I'm sure the fact that I had just been under anethesia had something to do with that!), and then Mr. CB brought me back to our Panama apartment. I am SO happy that we rented an apartment instead of just having a hotel room. It is so comfortable and big, and being able to cook meals and relax on our balcony is awesome.

I felt great last night. I had some minor cramping, but nothing too bad. Mr. CB still insisted on taking care of me, and I didn't resist! He made me dinner, massaged my feet and went out to get me ice cream for dessert. He's a good man.

Today we went out for a little sightseeing around Panama City's oldest neighborhood. Before our walking tour, we stopped by the clinic (it's right across from our apartment) to check on our eggs. The clinic here doesn't do a day 1 morning fert report as they don't like to disturb the embryos, but Dr. Perez told me yesterday I could check back to see how many of my eggs were mature. He told me all eight were mature, and that SIX fertilized normally! I am so happy to have six embies growing strong. I can't wait until Thursday to hear how they have progressed. This is the hardest wait so far, and I'm glad it's a short one.

Mr. CB and I are really enjoying our time together. This is the longest we've ever had to spend together without work or other interuptions, and I'm loving every minute of it. We were lucky that our trip coordinated with my birthday (on the 3rd) and our 3rd wedding anniversary, which is tomorrow. I feel like it's been a lucky and blessed few weeks! Here's a wedding pic in honor of our anniversary...

My transfer is Thursday at 2:30 PM (1:30 PM EST). I have such a great feeling about this!

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise

The IVF 2ww is unlike any other.

Not only are you dealing with the regular 2ww type things, but you're actually injecting your body and taking pills with EXTRA hormones to further convince your body what you already know: You're pregnant until proven otherwise. It makes things harder than I can explain.

And, 8dp3dt (= 11DPO) I think I'm hitting the wall.

The past couple of days have been REALLY hard. I keep searching for something to definitively tell me that I'm pregnant or not (short of POAS, because that's not an option). I've cried only a little bit. I tried to get squeezed in at my IF therapist, but she can't fit me in before beta.

I've been positive this whole time. I hardly even thought of the "what if". Now it's all I'm thinking about.

All I can think of is what happened last time. We got the phone call, and my husband came home from work, because he could hear it in my voice on the phone, and he didn't want me to be in the house by myself. And I just cried for HOURS.

That's all I can think about now... is how I was after that phone call.

So, someone give me something to grab onto until beta - because I HATE feeling how I feel right now. I want to go back to 2 days ago, when I was Joe Positive.

I don't like being this scared little girl, hoping that I'm pregnant.

Those 2 nearly perfect embryos... if this doesn't work.... I just can't imagine.

How About a Fertilization/Transfer All-In-One?

I realize I never blogged about an egg retrieval. There's a reason for it. They hurt like a motherless goat, and i'm really not myself for a few days after. Maybe one day I will... but typically by the time I feel like getting back online after an egg retrieval, i have more news to share...

Enter the fertilization (fert) report.

Or actually this time... don't.

The only phone call I got this time was that fertilization had occurred. I didn't get any details, despite numerous requests. I was really upset. I cried a lot. I pictured a lot of worst case scenarios. But then I thought about last time... when Dr Z called us himself to tell us about the abysmality of our fert report.

But, I guessed that hearing from Nurse F and not Dr Z had to be a good sign. Even though I REALLY wanted to know. I mean, this time we had 13 (!!!!!) eggs. As an example, last time we had 6 shitty eggs. Only 5 were mature and only 3 fertilized. We took those 3 (which turned into less than sub par embryos) to transfer- and we all know what happened next.

But 13.... i could picture it in my head. 10 were going to be mature. 8 were going to fertilize and we might actually get embryos to freeze!!!

I had to wait until my transfer to find out for sure.

And, I was wrong.

And once I found out i was wrong, i realized I would have been upset not knowing those three days, anyway.

Of 13 eggs, only 7 were mature and of those 7 only 4 fertilized. we lost one of those on day 2.

So, 3 embryos. Again.

But the news this time is not as abysmal. This time we have GOOD embryos. REALLY good.

Quick review of Dr Z's grading system; goes on a scale of 1-5 (1 being the best and "no one gets a 1") and at this stage, you want 8 cells in each embryo.

Also a refresher, for comparison, of embryos from IVF #1:

• 6 cell grade 3
• 6 cell grade 4
• 5 cell grade 4

At the transfer, Dr Z sits us down and tells about our embryos. What we find out is, in his lab, what we have is just about as good as it gets for a 3 day transfer.

He tells us about our first 2 embryos first.

photo credit

We have an 8 cell grade 2 (pictured right) and a compacted 8 cell grade 2 (pictured left). Compacted means the embryo is heading for blast, which means our embryo is at LEAST 1/2 -1 day ahead in growth! The other news from Dr Z is like he told us last time: grades 1, 2 and 3 all have the same rate of implantation.

Then he tells us about embryo #3.... it is also 8 cell (holy crap!) but a grade 4, so just lots of fragmentation. He left it up to us to decide what to do with it, but we deferred to his judgment, and transferred it also. I couldn't see disposing of an embryo that was better than anything we transferred last time. Besides, he said with my diagnosis and the failed last cycle, he thinks we can definitely justify transferring 3.

So, 3 embryos transferred. 2 pretty much perfect (pictured) and the one slightly less than perfect (not pictured, b/c it was a last minute decision).

Thanks for all of your well wishes. Please keep them coming.

photo credit

Please be snuggling in for the next 9 months, babies...

Back to bedrest. Welcome to the 2ww.

Be careful what you wish for.

Disclaimer: There are no pictures in this blog entry. I didn't write this to entertain. I cried almost every second I was typing. This isn't about being bitter, this isn't about being sad, and it most certainly isn't about trying to make people feel better about what we're going through. This is about life. Real hard honest painful unfair life. If you're looking for funny pictures and entertainment, you're going to have to look elsewhere.

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Be Careful What You Wish For

When we got our male factor diagnosis, I cried. I told my husband that I would rather have something be wrong with me, so this didn’t have to be on his shoulders.

What an idiot I was.

Since I was a young teenager, all I have ever wanted in the world is to be a mom. All I have wanted to do is to take care of my babies. Raise them and have the best family I can have.

Now I’m 34 years old… and I’m being faced with the possibility that we might never have that family.

3 weeks ago, I found out that our first IVF cycle failed. I knew that I didn’t respond the way they thought I might. I knew that our embryos were pretty sub-par. But I also KNEW that I was over-suppressed from the lupron. I KNEW that with a different protocol, I would respond better, and my eggs and subsequent embryos would kick ass.

Dr Z had other ideas. Half way through my stims, he became convinced that I had diminished ovarian reserve (DOR), AKA really old sucky eggs. He said that if this cycle didn’t work, he was going to do some additional testing.

But I KNEW it wouldn’t be necessary.

I was so wrong. About everything. And as usual, Dr Z proves why we picked him as our doctor.

The tests came back. My AMH is 0.5. That sucks. It worse than sucks. It’s sucktastic.

He says that he's not ready to throw in the towel YET. He likened my ovaries to a baseball team. He said that I have the players, but it was difficult to tell what condition they might be in, and how many might be on the bench. I said, "Great, I'm the New York Mets" (and honestly, after being a Mets fan for my whole life, I should be used to the disappointment).

Dr Z said now that he knows what the problem is, he can treat me more appropriately. He said my ovaries are a lot older than I am... probably about 42 or so… and now he has to treat me like that. He wants to see how I respond to a new protocol (my nurse should be calling me later today with details). But he also said that if this next cycle doesn't work, his recommendation would be donor eggs (DE).

My husband and I had already had a LONG talk the morning before we spoke with Dr Z about where we were going to draw the line. I finally know where he stands with all of the options, and I'm relieved about that. He's okay with DE, but not donor sperm. Okay with domestic adoption, but not embryo adoption.

We won’t move on to DE until we get a second opinion. So, if IVF #2 fails, we plan on probably getting two second opinions: one at Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM), a leading center for ART, via phone consult and another at a leading medical center in Manhattan. Following those, we'll probably be moving onto DE.

However, DH is convinced that now that we know about these issues, IVF #2 is going to work.

I'm going to start acupuncture again, start seeing a chiropractor and we're going to try to go to an infertility counselor, because i'm really depressed. The IVF not working was bad enough - now I’m a devastated mess. There hasn’t been a day without crying since I found out. I don’t know how much more I can take.

There’s no question now that I’m in good hands. Dr Z clearly knows what he’s talking about. I can't imagine many people would have looked at me last cycle and said DOR. I thought I was just over-suppressed, but he saw my response and said, “Look, even with your normal FSH and normal antral follicle count (AFC), something is wrong here. This isn't because of medication. We need to run more tests.”

He was right. I hate it - but he was right.

He also said that my blood work came back positive for the genetic mutation MTHFR. I’m going to find out exactly which mutation tomorrow, when I get copies of my blood work. Dr Z says I don’t have to take any blood thinners, but he has me now on very high dose folic acid. I’m taking a total of 5mg daily. He says that he needs me on it for 4 weeks before we can try again, so we can still plan on cycling for March. I’ll have to continue taking the high dose folic acid as long as we’re TTC or pregnant… which right now feels like the rest of my life. Another complication of MTHFR is elevated homocysteine levels. However, my homocysteine levels are normal.

I’m sorry that this was so long. It’s all the information I have. I feel like all of my dreams are slipping away from me. It’s very easy for people to say “oh, it’s not bad news” and “oh there’s still hope” but this is the end of the world for me.

I’m 34 years old and my eggs are crap.

The worst thing about this is the not knowing. In the beginning, my evaluation was normal. Every single part of it. Dr Z says these tests are really expensive and the insurance companies won’t pay for them unless they can be shown cause, which the failed IVF cycle gave us. I wish we had known about this 2 months ago. Or 7 months ago when we went through our initial testing.

And I hate what this has done to me. EVERY girl I see whose only diagnosis is MFI, I think to myself “that’s what you think” or “for your sake I hope so”.

Because up until 2 days ago, MFI was my only diagnosis too… and I had all the hope in the world.

Now it will be a miracle if I can even use my own eggs.

From the top to the bottom in one phone call.

Be careful what you wish for.

I know what I'm feeling is normal

I wrote this entry almost a week ago, and debated whether or not to post it... today I finally decided to.
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I Know What I'm Feeling is Normal

You sit on the end of a table, holding your husband's hand. The RE sits in front of you with a clipboard. That clipboard holds your hope, your dreams, your future, your past. Everything you've lived for... on those lines. Then in the upper corner... a picture.

Embryos.

Three of them. You can see them. Oh... YOUR embryos. The RE hands you the picture. Explains what you're seeing and what you're looking at. You lay back, still holding your husband's hand, and the embryos are inserted through your cervix where they should stay for the next 36 weeks. And you're still holding the picture.

The whole procedure takes less than 10 minutes. You're now PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise).

After 30 minutes of rest at the doctor's office, you go to the acupuncturist. Where she tells you not to pull your shirt up today. You're being treated as if you're pregnant.

Then you go home. Your doctor wants you on bedrest for 2 days. So your husband treats you like you're pregnant.

Your husband talks to the embryos. Tells them secrets that you're not allowed to know. That's okay. You have the picture. Your embryos.

You look at that picture every day. All day. You can see the babies the embryos are going to become and the stories you'll tell them about how they were conceived. You imagine bringing them to meet the doctor, and hanging their picture on his wall... next to all of his other success stories. You picture showing them the photo one day, and telling them that it is the first picture you ever had of them.

You inject yourself with hormones every day - to convince your body that it's pregnant, because with IVF, sometimes it forgets. Injections and Pills in the morning, suppositories three times a day, more pills at night.

Your body thinks your pregnant. Your mind thrives on the hormones. Your eyes keep staring at that picture.

But one afternoon the phone rings.

All of the hormones, the dreams, the imagination.

Gone.

You're not pregnant.

Even though you still have that picture.

You turn the picture over, and write the date on the back, then slide it into your nightstand. You can't throw it away. In your head, these were already your babies. You think you do this for closure. But it just makes the hurt worse.

IVF #1
1/4/10
BFN