The itch.

Today is 7dp5dt, and I'm itching to take a HPT.  I know, I know.  It's still too early.  I've done ALL of the reading online.  Most sites say 9dpt is long enough to detect HCG, but I frequent the infertility board on thebump and a woman got a BFP on 6dp5dt.  I'm losing my mind.

I have two tests waiting for me underneath the bathroom sink.  They are literally calling my name.  We didn't do a HPT with our fresh cycle last fall because my trigger (lupron) contained HCG and could give me a false positive.  Also, I was too chicken.  This time, though, it was a FET, so my RE said I could test before my beta.  I just don't know.  I keep preparing myself for a negative, but I'm still praying for a positive.

I've also been comparing this cycle to the last one.  I did have cramping during our fresh cycle.  In fact, I remember crying in our bed while Mr. Bossy held me.  I was convinced it hadn't worked and the cramps were AF.  I was obviously wrong.

I have had some mild cramping here and there, but nothing like last time.  I have to continuously reassure myself that it doesn't mean it didn't work.

Do I hold out until Monday for my beta, or do I take a HPT beforehand?

Hi-  My name is Bossy Bud and I'm scared sh*tless.

 

                Bossy Bud

Embies on Board!

Today was our FET!

Since my darling 3rd graders have FCAT testing this week, I went in to work this morning to administer the test. I left immediately after, and Mr. Bossy & I drove to the clinic.

There are 4 REs at the clinic, and they all have an assigned IVF day. My RE is not the IVF doctor on Wednesday, but the clinic's founding doctor is. He's old enough to my grandfather and super nice. He actually did the transfer for our fresh cycle last fall.

To make a long story short, I guzzled water all the way to the clinic so that I would have a full bladder for the ultrasound, and they sent me straight into the operating room. We transferred two (a 4BB blastocyst and a morula) embryos. The RE called the 4BB a "beauty." The RE was really funny, and he kept the mood light while I had my legs up in the air. I reminded him that he had done my fresh transfer, which was successful (even though it resulted in a miscarriage), so I knew that this transfer would also work. It just had to. He laughed and agreed with me. I was able to watch the spectrum being inserted and saw the embryos release into my uterus. As soon as he released them, he said- "That's it! You're pregnant." That got a good laugh out of me.

Mr. Bossy treated me to Cheesecake Factory for lunch on the way home. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with my couch for the next 5 days. :)

Here are our two little rockstars!! (Please excuse the blue sticky note. I used it to cover up my name)

















Bossy Bud

A Sock Story.

I'm not superstitious. At all. I am; however, a firm believer in doing things that make you happy.

When we began our IVF journey last summer, friends and family were very supportive. They shared words of encouragement and prayed, but they didn't know what else to do for us.

I shared a story with my girlfriends about a woman who had asked her friends to buy her a pair of silly, fun socks to wear to her appointments while she underwent fertility treatments. I loved the idea, so I asked my girlfriends if they would be willing to do the same for me. I figured if I had to have my feet up in the air, I (the nurses & doctors) may as well be a little entertained.

I was amazed at the number of friends that immediately gave me a pair of socks (my BFF gave me two), and it immediately became a "must" to wear a different pair each time. I've received lots of comments from the nurses and my doctor about the socks. Mr. Bossy even joined the fun and gave me a new pair in my stocking at Christmas and one in my Easter Basket yesterday!

I recently read online that the actor who plays Dr. Spencer Reed in Criminal Minds wear mismatched socks for luck in real life. I'm definitely doing this on Friday and for our transfer.
I figure we can use all the luck we can get!

Brighter Days!

My appointment on Monday went extremely well! My cyst had to be smaller than 12 mm for us to proceed safely. Not only was it less than 12 mm, but it was completely GONE! I almost started crying right there in front of the nurse. I was instructed to stop taking my BCPs and wait for CD1 to begin my meds.

AF arrived bright and early Wednesday morning, and I took my first estrace pill. My next appointment is on Friday, April 13th. They will check my lining and give me our transfer date. We can't wait! Until then, this is how my days look:

Metformin- 3 X daily
Estrace- 4 X daily (last pill is vaginal)
Doxycycline- 2 X daily (with food)
Prenatal vitamin every evening

I'll begin my PIO soon after the CD10 appointment on the 13th. I'm curious as to why my last estrace pill must be vaginal. When we did the fresh IVF cycle, all of my estrace pills were oral. I'll try to remember to ask my nurse when I see her again.

More good news- I'm an AUNT! My nephew was born early Wednesday morning. He's precious, and I love him already.




Bossy Bud

Sittin' Tight.

Not much to say....


I've been on my new BCPs for a week now. Thankfully, this past week flew by!! I'm really hoping that this next one does the same.

I return to my RE's office on April 2nd to see if the cyst has shrunk. Until then, I've been keeping busy with projects around the house. I LOVE Piterest! Is anyone else as addicted as I am? :)




Bossy Bud

A bump in the road.

AF finally showed her face Friday afternoon. I've been on Spring Break this past week, and all I've done is wait and pray for her to come. I had three tentative appointments (Monday, Wednesday, & Friday), but I couldn't go to any of them because she hadn't arrived.

I almost cried tears of happiness when I saw red on the toilet paper. I called Mr. Bossy and my mom to tell them the good news. I was so excited to finally get the ball rolling. We had waited 3 months to do our FET. I phoned my nurse and she set me up for a 8:15 appointment on Saturday. I happily set the alarm clock for 6:30 am Friday night (our clinic is an hour away), put out my lucky socks (I'll explain these in another blog), and had my green outfit (Saturday was St. Patty's Day) selected. I was ready. I had to force myself to go to bed Friday night. I felt like a child on Christmas Eve.

Fast forward to Saturday morning. Mr. Bossy and I make the hour's drive to our clinic. We walk in to the clinic where I greet the receptionist with the biggest smile. We take our seats and wait to be called. They called me back for blood work first. Finding a vein in either of my arms is always a challenge for the nurses. I'm not the type that looks away when they insert the needle; I have to look. I don't mind the pinch, and it never really hurts very much. The nurse inserted the needle and MAN, did it hurt! We had to go back to the waiting room and wait to be called back for the ovary check.

The nurse called my name within a few more minutes and we were walking happily toward the examining room. She even commented on my dress, and said that it was the perfect outfit for an ultrasound. She left us in the room to get situated, I put on my socks, and waited on the table. She came back rather quickly and we began the ultrasound. She made a comment that we were looking for a nice thin lining and no cysts. I kept my eyes glued to the screen. Then I heard her say- Ohhh. My heart dropped. It didn't sound good. I looked closer at the screen and saw it. A huge, honker of a cyst. She confirmed it. She said that the doctor on call would have the final decision, but she didn't think we'd be able to proceed with the FET. I had waited 3 months for this? I must be cursed.

Mr. Bossy and I left the clinic and attempted to salvage our day. We shopped a little on the way home. I was in Hobby Lobby (one of my favorite stores!) when the nurse called me with instructions.

The bad news- I wouldn't be able to proceed with the cyst.

The good news- I have to take two more weeks of birth control pills and return on April 2nd to see if the cyst has shrunk. If it has, then I can move forward on the date and I don't have to wait for another period. The nurse also prescribed me some stronger birth control pills.

Mr. Bossy was so sweet. He said if we can wait 3 months, then what's two more weeks?! My mom was also encouraging and called this a "bump in the road." I'm still really disappointed, but I'm trying to look on the bright side. At least, I don't have to wait 3 more months...




Bossy Bud

{Im}patiently Waiting

Period #2 showed up on Feb. 21st. I started BCPs for the FET on the 23rd, and I just took my last one this past Saturday. I had a baseline appointment set for Monday at 9:30 am. Unfortunately, I was unable to go because AF has not shown since I stopped the BCP.

Ugh. The wait is killing me!!




Bossy Bud

It never hurts to ask.

It's shocking how much infertility can cost. Especially when your insurance doesn't cover it.

Mr. Bossy and I are OOP for all infertility procedures. Fortunately, my hysteroscopy was covered by insurance due to my PCOS diagnosis, and I do receive free metformin from our local grocery store's pharmacy because of their fight against diabetes. But nothing else is covered. Florida BCBS just doesn't have it in their plan.

We knew this when we began our journey, and we've been blessed with a generous family. We went with the Attain Program that works exclusively with our clinic. We paid $15,700 for four attempts (two fresh and two frozen). Meds for our first fresh cycle amounted to almost $3,000! Our RE is positive that one of our attempts will result in our take home baby.

After the d&c, Mr. Bossy and I returned to see our RE to discuss the FET protocol. As we were leaving, I spoke with the receptionist to pay for our visit (Insurance does cover for me to see a specialist. My co-pay is $40 per visit). The receptionist told me that we had a previous unpaid balance. [ I remembered receiving a statement in the mail from the clinic a few weeks prior with an amount that I didn't agree with. At the time, I called the billing department and spoke with someone in charge. She agreed that something wasn't adding up, and she would have her boss look over my account with a "fine-toothed comb."] I relayed the information to the receptionist, and she told me that the amount had become larger due to insurance not covering the entire d&c. Everything totaled to almost $500. I was livid. The receptionist was really nice, and told me that she would write a note on my account to have the billing department call me again. I did NOT pay the full amount that day. I had some calls to make.

I called my insurance company to question the amount that was not covered. I'm typically a very go-with-the-flow kind of person. I do what I'm told, and I don't rock the boat. Infertility costs have changed me entirely. I wanted to know why I owed such a large amount. A d&c is not infertility. Fertile women have miscarriages all of the time. I needed answers.

I spoke with a representative from BCBS. Now- with all of my anger, I was still able to be polite. I realize that the person on the other end of the line is not personally responsible for any mistakes that were made and being nasty to them isn't going to help the situation. I explained that I didn't understand the amount that I owed and it was more than I had expected to pay. The woman from BCBS was SO nice. As I explained our IVF and d&c, I began to cry. She completely understood, and she worked feverishly to find out why my coverage was denied. It took some time on the phone, but she agreed that insurance should have covered the entire procedure, and I should have only been charged my co-pay - $40! She submitted the claim to be re-reviewed and told me it would be about 30 business days until they made a decision. I told the representative that she was officially my new best friend!

The anesthesiologist had also charged me too much, and BCBS submitted that claim to be reprocessed. I was walking on air!

Yesterday- I received a new statement in the mail from BCBS saying that they had reprocessed my claim. I, now, only have to pay $40! When in doubt, it never hurts to ask!





Bossy Bud

Finally!!!

Aunt Flo arrived yesterday!! After cramping for almost a week, she finally showed her face. I have to admit, I was starting to wonder if we had succeeded on our own this cycle. But- she finally arrived, and I'm totally fine with it.

Now, it's time to get this show on the road! I immediately phoned my favorite nurse, and she instructed me to begin my BCPs on Thursday. I will take my last one on Thursday, March 8th. My first appointment for our FET is Monday, March 12th. I'm also supposed to begin retaking my metformin tonight. Who would have ever thought that I would be SO stinkin' excited about Aunt Flo showing AND starting BCPs?! As Mr. Bossy said to me this morning- "It's babymakin' time!"

I am also so excited for my sister buds!

Diva- I think about you every day! You've got this, girly! Sending you tons of positive vibes and sticky mojo. :)

Buckeye- I'm so glad that you were able to meet with your new RE, and you were finally given a diagnosis. What a relief you must have felt!

Curly- Glad to see you and Baby Curly are doing well! I was beginning to wonder where you've been.

Bossy Bud

Grandpa's Girl

No baby-making news to report. Still waiting for AF to arrive one more time. Then it's a "go" for our FET. We can't wait.

I'm going to get a little off topic on this post and discuss my grandpa. He turned 81 last July, and he's the only grandpa I've ever had. When I was a child, he always seemed so "no nonsense" and a little scary. My parents would take my younger brother and I to our grandparents' house for one week during the summer since my grandpa was retired. Grandma still worked, and she would get up every morning to get herself ready. I would wake up and go into the bathroom where she was, and I would always beg her to not go to work. I didn't want to stay at the house with grandpa. Grandpa was mean.

Of course, he really wasn't "mean". He would take my brother and me to swim in the lake, bowling, to McDonalds for lunch, and even to the children's museum. He was just an older man. He had raised his children and was more strict than my parents. I loved him, but I was also a little scared of him.

As I grew up, I developed a stronger relationship with my grandpa. I'm not his only grand-daughter, but I am the only one that lives close by. I became his "monkey" and he would always tease me about misbehaving (I promise, I was a perfect child). I was born with naturally curly hair, and it looks pretty wild at times (due to the humidity in FL). He would laugh and say that he could mop the floor with my head. He became more affectionate as I grew up; always hugging me and kissing me on the cheek when we would say our goodbyes. I became a grandpa's girl.

Sadly, my grandpa's health is declining. He was diagnosed with throat cancer a couple of years ago and has been treated for it. He's lost a lot of weight, and he's become very ornery. It breaks my heart to see him this way. He's not my same grandpa anymore. Two weeks ago, he was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. He had to have a tube put in his lung to the drain the fluid, and he was released to a nursing home soon after. The plan was for him to receive rehab while he was in the home, and then return to his home with my grandma where she would continue to care for him. He lasted 2 days in the nursing home and had to return to the hospital due to a fever. We're waiting to see how he does.

I remember sitting on my grandpa's couch 3 years ago with Mr. Bossy and telling my grandparents that we were ready to start a family. When our first round of IVF worked, my grandma shared the good news with him, but he didn't completely understand. His mind is beginning to slip. I'm beginning to realize that my grandpa might not be alive for the birth of my children. Knowing that they will miss meeting such a great man is devastating to me.
If you pray, please pray for my grandpa.

XOXO,



Bossy

When it rains....

It pours! [Ironically, it's raining in Central Florida this very moment.]

Still no period. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Nothing.

Good news- I'll have to take a blood test to rule out a pregnancy in order for my RE to prescribe me Provera. I can have my blood drawn locally and do not have to drive an hour just to give blood! It's looking like I'll be doing this on Monday.

Bad news- I'll have to take Provera for 10 days. It then can take up to 7-10 days after my last pill for my period to arrive. I still have to get one more period after that for my RE to allow to do a FET. So much for starting in February. Bummer.

To help make matters worse. Mr. Bossy is being laid off at the end of the month. His company told him over a year ago that they were phasing out his department. There was a chance he could interview for a different position in a different department. He's since gone on three interviews and hasn't received a job offer. His last day will be the last day of this month.

We have a Plan B. He originally started as a temp with this company. After a few months, he was offered a permanent position. The company is currently going through some budget cuts and would prefer to not have to pay benefits on so many employees. Instead, they'd like to hire more temps. Mr. Bossy is hoping to return to the company as a temp and then squeeze back through the company's doors.

We're scared beyond belief. If he has to be unemployed for a month or two, we'll survive financially (it will be tight, though). I'm torn about doing our FET. Since AF hasn't arrived yet, it's looking like we won't be able to begin until March at the earliest. The FET is already paid for since we went through the Attain Program, but I'm still concerned.

Do we still go through with the FET even if Mr. Bossy doesn't have a permanent position? We're not getting any younger and quite frankly, I'm tired of waiting around. Mr. Bossy wanst to proceed, and my heart is saying the same. My stupid head is the one I'm arguing with.




Bossy Bud

Here's the plan, Stan!

Mr. Bossy took off this past Wednesday, and we returned to our RE.

First off, I have to say that we have the BEST RE in the world. She is so kind and really takes an interest in Mr. Bossy & me. She sat down with us and explained that we would be transferring two embryos for our FET. The embryologist will decide on the two that we'll transfer. At first, I was annoyed by this. I like to have a say in major decisions, and I was a little ticked that we wouldn't get to decide. My RE explained that the embryologist knows best and will be able to make the best decision as to which two will hopefully (fingers crossed) attach.

She also explained how much easier a FET will be on my body. She's having me take estrogen and progesterone. That's it. She had previously mentioned that I would take 4 nights of the progesterone in oil shots, then switch me to the suppositories. I had a mental note to ask if I could just stay with the shots. I'd prefer them since they are over with so quickly, and I've heard the suppositories are really messy. Imagine my surprise when (before I could even mention it) she asked if I would like to take the PIO shots only. Without hesitation, I agreed! She actually prefers her patients to continue with the shots but also knows how painful they are, so she doesn't require it. She was pleased that I would prefer to keep taking them.

Mr. Bossy really surprised me when he spoke up and asked if there is anything he needs to do to help us. My RE told him that he'd already done everything and to just relax. Regardless, I thought it was really sweet of him to see what he could do to help our chances.

Now for the frustrating part- Aunt Flo still hasn't arrived. When I mentioned it to our RE, she acted like it was normal. The plan is for Aunt Flow to arrive. Then, we'll get started on the next cycle. I'm so anxious! Our RE said that it is not safe for us to try and conceive on our own this cycle. She went on to explain that 40% of couples that use fertility treatments are able to conceive on their own afterward. She gave us the "all clear" to try naturally the cycle after AF arrives.

In the midst of all of this, we've had two more pregnancy announcements amongst our friends. Does it ever get easier to hear them? ::sigh::



Bossy Bud

Hip, Hip Hooray for Christmas Vacation!

It's official! I have the next two weeks off! Being a teacher definitely has its perks.

Although I'm looking forward to sleeping in every single day, I am going to miss my weekday routine. Teaching my lil' rugrats has helped keep my mind off of things.

Great news! I have an appointment with my RE on January 4th to discuss the next steps and our FET. I'm super excited and (almost) counting down the days until then. I told Mr. Bossy earlier today that I think I'll start feeling MUCH better when I know the plan. Then, I'll be able to feel like we're back on track.

Until then, I plan to keep as busy as possible with Christmas shopping (I still have a ton to do!) and quilting. Both of our families are local, so we'll be spending lots of time with them next weekend. One of my favorite traditions that my family has is watching Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation every Christmas Eve. Mr. Bossy, my brother, and I can practically quote the entire movie. We always find it hilarious how my dad can never stay awake through the entire movie!!


Hoping all of my Bud sisters have a VERY Merry Christmas and 2012 brings you much happiness!

XOXO

Bossy

The Waiting Game.

Tomorrow will mark 3 weeks since we discovered our baby didn't have a heartbeat. Honestly, it feels like forever ago. There was denial (the doctor could be wrong, right?) numbness, and TONS of tears. I'll admit that I'm doing much better now, but tears still come to my eyes when I least expect it.

I opted for a natural miscarriage. A few friends were surprised to learn about my decision. In fact, one response was, "Dear God, bless you." Another friend asked, "Why?" I honestly could not answer. It was just what I wanted. I wanted (for once) my body to do something naturally. I wanted to be able to say goodbye to our child on "my" terms.

Sadly, that didn't work out. I never miscarried. I returned to my doctor this afternoon, and she told me that we could wait another week and see what happens. I chose to go ahead with the D&C. Not to sound cold- but, I'm ready to move forward and I feel like the longer we prolong this, the longer it will take to prepare my body for the FET.

My D&C is scheduled for Monday morning.

I was able to ask my RE a lot of questions pertaining to the FET (I'm obviously a planner). She said that we will transfer two embryos this time instead of one (we did one for our fresh cycle). She also told me that they are seeing a greater success with their FETs compared to their fresh cycles. She went on to explain that my body will be under much less stress, and she promised that our frozen embryos were of excellent quality.

I learned that they freeze the embryos in sets of two. And, I also learned that they don't freeze the "best of the best" together. Since my clinic is trying to reduce the number of multiple births, they freeze a "top notch" embryo with a mediocre embryo. Regardless, my RE told me that our chance of success is 53%. It was 50% for our fresh cycle. I'll take it!

Now- if only I could fast-forward til' February. Perhaps I should change my name to Impatient Bud!

-Bossy Bud

Sooo Much Pain

It is still the night before my FET. I am in so much pain from my progesterone shots. I don't know how I could bear three months of this morning and night if I am to become pregnant. I took PIO for my round of IVF, but I hardly had any soreness at all. Now it is so bad that it is difficult to function. I really hope there is another way. I am going to ask the Dr in the morning. Has anyone used progesterone suppositories before? Is it the same difference at the PIO? Lucky Bud is off trying to find ice for my very sore muscles so that I can get some sleep. Big day tomorrow at 10 am!

A very belated updated

We found out that FET #1 was a BFN on July 11th. Even though I knew it in my heart, it still hurt more than anything. However after a day of crying and an hour of talking with my therapist, I felt much better. I am still going to continue with treatments even though I am not very confident for some reason. I am going for our WTF this Wednesday. I was going to go alone, because Mr. PlannerBud is starting a new job on Monday and doesn't want to ask for time off so early. However, my therapist convinced me to bring my mother along. I normally go in with a list of questions and ask none of them; this will help me get the answer I want. If our RE doesn't change the protocol at all, we are going to another clinic (about an hour away) for a second opinion. I hope it doesn't come to that, but I want to be prepared.

The reason for this long delayed update is that Mr. PlannerBud and I took off for a week long cruise on Saturday. I was really anxious about going since I knew it was summer and lots of kids would be on the ship. What I didn't know is that it was a Nickelodeon cruise. Every show at night was started by either Patrick and Spongebob or Dora and Diego. Luckily there was a lot of alcohol on the ship and we both partook in plenty of it. Unlike other ships I have been on, there were very few places to escape children. The adults only pool was right next to the family pool and the adults only rule wasn't strictly enforced. The night club was supposed to be 18+ at night, but they allowed children in with their parents. The only true child-free place was a stateroom, which I swear was a broom closet originally. To make matter worse, every couple we sat down next to asked if we left the kids at home. When we said we didn't have kids, they almost always responded with something about how difficult or how horrible kids are. GRRR. That makes one more "last vacation before children" vacation to add to the books. Let's see how many more of these we can list. :::insert eye roll:::

FET Scheduled!

I am too hormonal and tired to really be too witty tonight. I did want to say though that my FET is scheduled for Friday morning. We are planning to transfer two of our three frozen embryos. I hope that we can get at least two. My RE told us that not all embryos thaw successfully and we can be left with any where between zero and three embryos. I haven't been very confident about the chances of this happening, but someone on one of my board groups just got pregnant with her first FET, so here is hope.

I just found out that family friend is going through a FET as well. Almost two years ago, she had her first IVF to have her daughter. Her and her husband are trying to their second. The first IVF didn't work, so they will be doing a FET later this summer. A huge part of me hopes that I get pregnant first. I know it is very b*tchy, but I know it would be very painful to have her get pregnant with her second before I even get my first. It doesn't make it any easier that she and I go to the same clinic, just different doctors. Good luck to both us!

Hormones? Check!

I started taking estrace 2mg twice daily this past Monday. On Thursday, I went to see my therapist and she asked how I was doing with them. Fine, I said. I have had zero side effect, I said. If only it stayed that way. Over the past 24 hours, I have had at least four random crying fits and one random angry fit towards Mr. Planner Bud. The hormones have arrived! Really, I don't think seeing a picture of your father eating a lobster should send you into tears, because "it's not fair that you are at home and not there". How about getting angry at your husband (who is doing you a favor and picking up a gift for your dad) because the first two stores he went didn't have the movie you wanted to get? Yay, they have been that type of crazy moments. Aren't hormones joyful?

All in all this cycle has been pretty easy so far. I have had to take no injections and the estrace pills are smaller than BCP. I have been drinking and having my diet soda; it is nice not having to think about egg quality or things like that. I am thoroughly enjoying living my life like I did before TTC again. This will all come to an end around July 1. Right now that is my scheduled ET. I am excited, but nervous. I am having a hard time being positive about it. Every logical piece of my mind is telling me that if a textbook cycle didn't work, why would something with lower success rates? However, I know that none of this really logical. Hopefully the next couple weeks go quickly.

Popsicles, anyone?

In another month or so, Mr.Planner and I will be transfer two of our own Popsicles. We met with our RE on Monday to figure out what had happened with our last IVF. We got some of the hardest news that we could get. Nothing went wrong. According to our RE, we had a perfect cycle up until our results. We were just the unlucky couple that fell on the bad side of the statistics. While our RE may not be the most touchy-feely man, he did do a good job to make me understand that nothing I did affected the results. Not the 10 hour days, not the stress, not the bad diet, nothing. That was very comforting. So, what is next?

We are moving ahead to a frozen embryo transfer (FET) with my next cycle. We have three embryos frozen, one of high quality and two of average. Our RE said that some embryos don't survive thawing, so we could end up from anywhere from zero to three embryos. Hopefully we will have two good popsicles to transfer come the time. This cycle is so much easier than the IVF. I have to take some estrogen pills to stop me from ovulating naturally and then I have to take some progesterone suppositories to help build up my lining. I don't have to have any injections or any surgery. As my RE said, this is our "Hail Mary" cycle. The chances are lower for a frozen cycle than for a fresh, but there is still a better chance than a normal couple (about 35%). I am trying to keep an open mind, but it is difficult. I am sure this will be as upsetting as the IVF if it doesn't work. Hopefully though I won't even need to think about it.

I'm calling BFN

Still getting stark white sticks. And every morning before my PIO shot I can feel AF knocking on my door. Contrary to what the inexperienced IVFers all say (aka the "puppies and rainbows" assurances), it's pretty much impossible for me to get a positive beta at this point. I'd have some hope if I had even half a pregnancy symptom, but I don't. I'm super tempted to just stop all my meds and enjoy the holidays. I'm super tempted to enjoy the holidays anyway (and by "enjoy," I mean "drink heavily").

I've also had some time to reflect on my bitter infertile's New Year's resolutions:

• Switch RE's at my clinic
• Get a second opinion at another clinic
• Find out WTF is wrong with my lining
• Take a few cycles off
• Possibly kill more embies by putting them in my uterus
• Turn 40
• Suggest to Mr. GB that he start looking into adoption (I did all the IF work; it's his turn now)

The truth is we are running out of money. We won't be bankruptcy broke, but we won't have any savings left if we do another fresh cycle. And I refuse to put any more embies back until my lining gets above 8. These two things could severely limit our options to the point where adoption could be our only solution. It's not what I want, but what can you do? If your eggs are fvcked and your uterus is fvcked then there isn't much point in trying to have a baby.

Never in a million years did I think I'd be childless at 40. Most days I can deal with it, but I do have bouts of sadness. I was reminded once again of our childless status yesterday when I found out that our friends (who don't have kids--she's in law school) hosted their annual "cookie party" for all of their friends who have kids. So what that means is that 3 sets of our good friends got invited, but we did not. My best friend was among the invitees and we had lunch yesterday and she told me all about it. I told her it was too bad that my baby didn't have a skull, otherwise we wouldn't be childless and thus we'd qualify for attendance. This of course is my bitterness talking, and I'm sure my friend would have invited me if I'd asked. But then I'd be at a party with a bunch of OPKs (other peoples' kids) and that's no fun, either.

All this whining aside, I still love my life. I have a million things to be happy for and just one that makes me sad. That's pretty good in my book.

If you don't hear from me until after the holidays, you can safely assume that I've gotten my BFN and am too tipsy on champagne to post an update.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Golden Bud