And the journey continues...

Thank you readers and Buds for the warm welcome yesterday. It feels good to be here.

So back to my TTC journey. A quick review of the Golden Bud TTC timeline thus far

• 12/07: Start TTC
• 10/08: RE visit, fertility tests
• 12/08: IVF #1: cancelled on Day 8 due to no response
• 3/09: IVF #2: 2 follies, 2 eggs, 1 embryo, BFN
• 10/09: IVF #3: 2 follies, 2 eggs, 1 embryo, BFN
• 12/09: Start the donor egg process
• 3/10: Donor cycle

A lot of women talk about how hard it was for them to move on to donor eggs. For me the decision was a relief. I could finally stop throwing good money after my bad eggs, and the odds were so good that I couldn’t help but be giddy about the whole process, which goes a little something like this:

• Month 1: More testing. Most of my tests had expired after 1 year, so I needed an SHG (less painful than the HSG) and blood work, and Mr. GB needed a new SA and blood work. We were also required to meet with a psychologist and a geneticist. Not sure we go sure we got our money's worth in return, but the $350 for both was just a drop in the bucket so I didn't complain.

• Month 2: Mock cycle, which is basically a trial run of using the estrogen patches to test my lining. Mr. GB also had genetic tests done because we thought we were getting good pricing on the testing (we didn’t--long story). No genetic issues turned up, so we decided not to test the donor.

• Month 3: Donor selection & cycle—yippee!

Now it was time to select a donor. I admit I was a little naïve about the selection process. I thought I'd make it fun by booking a date for Mr. GB and me to bring our laptops to Panera and look at donor profiles over dinner. What I discovered was that most of the donors I liked were already booked. This process was actually the hardest thing about IF thus far and I was unusually cranky for a few days. At the time I really wanted to find a donor just like me—looked like me, built like me, personality like mine. It wasn't until this process that I think I finally mourned the loss of my genetics and any coincidental resemblance to me. Fortunately a donor I liked became available, and my whole outlook changed. It takes some women months to find the right donor. It took me about a week.

So why did I choose our donor? She had blue eyes (like ours), fair skin (like ours), brown hair (like Mr. GB), wavy hair (like me), and 0+ blood (like ours). I also really liked her personal statement—she sounded just like me. She looked more like Mr. GB than me, so I figured at least our children would strongly resemble Mr. GB and not some other woman. I admit I did not obsess over her family health history, her occupation or grades, or her ancestry.

I put down our deposit before I even asked about her donation history. Another terribly naïve thing to do. Turns out she had 4 successful recipient pregnancies and I was thrilled! But I misunderstood the stats and thought that “0 embryos frozen” meant that none of the recipients had done a frozen cycle. What that really meant was that despite her successful recipient pregnancies, she’d never had embryos survive to freeze. But I let the 100% success rate go to my head and thought we’d have twins and be done with babymaking. Did I mention I was naive?

From the get-go I had a bad feeling about the cycle. I tend to be very intuitive and a little superstitious. My feeling of dread was caused by these events:

• Day 5 of stims: Donor coordinator calls and says the donor is responding great and her meds have been reduced. My intuition says OVERSTIM! Immature eggs! Failure!

• Day of ER is the day of the “spring forward” time change. I was paranoid that they would get her retrieval time off by an hour, and either the eggs would be gone or immature.

• Day after ER: Embryologist calls. Bad news. Of 20 eggs retrieved, only 8 were mature. Her worst cycle ever. So I was right about my fears of overstimming. The embryologist was happy with the fert rate though—6 fertilized—but all I could think was that we only got 4 more eggs than I can produce myself.

• Day of ET: Day 3 transfer of 2 embies. Saw a different RE than the one who’d done my previous 2 transfers. My bladder was overfilled and the RE had difficulty doing the transfer. So much so that the embryologist started to get worried. The RE put the embies back in the dish and kept trying. The second time was successful, but I couldn’t help but think that the embryos may have been damaged in the shuffle.

• Freeze report: Nothing made it to freeze. I wasn’t surprised, but I was still devastated. This was the most upset I’d been to date.

Call me a Debbie Downer, but by this point I was really worried. I spent a few days on the couch pouting and I was convinced we’d failed.

I think I'll wrap this up for today.

Til then,

Golden Bud

"Everything's normal" ~ shouldn't that be a good thing?

After our IVF BFN, Mr. Chef Bud and I talked about our next steps. We can't afford to dive right back into IVF, and honestly I don't even think I would want to at this point. I feel like there is something wrong, and for a doctor to just label me unexplained and want to go right to IVF just doesn't seem like a smart decision. We decided to get a second opinion, and made an appointment with a a group affiliated with the local university.

Photo Credit

We had our first appointment last month and it was such a refreshing change from RE #1. Dr. M sat down with us for almost an hour and talked through all of my issues, our failed cycles and what he thought we should do to move forward. We set our plan for the next three months which included:

Month 1:

Antral follicle count ultrasound and day 3 bloodwork ~ to test for my "maternal age" and see if my eggs are on younger, on track or older than my actual age

Saline Sonogram ~ to check my uterus for abnormal growth such as fibroids or polyps

Month 2:

Endometrial biopsy ~ to see if my cycle is "in phase". This will be done during my luteal phase to see if my lining is doing what it is supposed to be doing during this time of my cycle.

Month 3:

Mock cycle ~ using estrogen and progesterone to see if we can get my lining where we want it and stop the spotting

So far I've completed the antral follicle count (17 follicles), bloodwork (all normal) and saline sonogram (no uterine abnormalities). I feel like I should be happy and consider this good news, but I just want something to be able to fix. I want the doctor to say, "Oh, lookie here...we'll just take care of this and you'll be good to go!" I am trying to look on the bright side and be thankful that everything looks good so far, but I have to keep reminding myself that being normal = good news.

While I wait for the next couple of months of diagnostic testing, I have been trying to improve my fertililty by improving my lifestyle. I got the book Making Babies after a friend recommended it to me, and I am doing my best to follow the program outlined for my fertility type. I have changed my diet to be (mostly) whole, unprocessed foods (eating organic when I can), I'm limiting alcohol to one day a week, taking supplements, focusing on relaxing and destressing and going to acupuncture once a week. I feel like these steps are good for my overall health so even if this isn't going to be the magic formula that gets us pregnant, I will still be healthier. It's been a hard transisition to change my eating habits, but I think I'm doing pretty good and getting better every week. At least I feel like I am doing something while we save for another round of IVF.

So for now we're just moving forward slowly, which is definitely hard for someone like me who likes to be moving full-speed ahead. I'm learning that I have to be patient and give these lifestyle changes some time to take affect in my body. I haven't spotted yet this month and I'm already on CD 18, so maybe this stuff is really working and I will have great news to report at the end of the month.

Amazing what a second opinion can tell you!

We met with the top ranked RE in our state this morning. I was highly impressed immediately when I met him. Dr. P is extremely detail oriented and very thorough. He spent 2 hours with us and had pulled up every single documentation that was in the hospital records system and went through it all with a fine tooth comb.

Dr. P said that he disagrees with everything that Dr. M said.

1. I do not need IVF. At all. He was incredulous that Dr. M even suggested it.
2. It's not a polyp. It's the same fibroid that I had surgery on in February. It's submucosal. Half of it had been embedded in the muscular wall and has now popped out into the uterine cavity and is preventing us from getting pregnant. It does need to be surgically removed especially due to the increasing intensity of my periods. He was concerned when he heard my last period was 9 days long and I was going through super tampons paired with pads and soaking through both in less than an hour.
3. He agrees that the right tube is blocked but disagrees that it can't be removed and he wants to remove it. This would mean I would only get to ovulate out of one tube every other month but it decreases our risk of ectopic pregnancy which is sitting around 10% right now.
4. He disagrees with the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve and said that my FSH should never be tested when my ovaries are covered in cysts because they cause increases in your hormone levels. My FSH in September was 7.8 when I had no cysts.
5. Mr. Sunflower Bud has (in the doctor's exact words) amazing and perfect "donor quality" sperm that he doesn't see very often. Naturally, Mr. Sunflower Bud is all puffed up and feeling good about himself right now.

He said that once we get in there and get everything out, we should have no trouble getting pregnant and he would want to do the IUI (artificial insemination) without any fertility drugs until I actually show signs of ovulation problems. He's very conservative about fertility drugs and feels they shouldn't be used if you already ovulate fine on your own.

I feel like we actually have hope now. If we can just get this fibroid out once and for all...

I go back tomorrow for another SHG so he can get a good look at how the fibroid is situated and if there are any others. He also wants a more in depth look for himself at the blockage on the right tube. Dr. M wrote that it was a hydrosalpinx and Dr. P finds it hard to believe that is the case but won't rule it out until he sees it himself.

Afterward, we'll discuss scheduling the surgery. Another surgery... UGH. But at least this time I know it's just a means to an end.

I held a 4 week old baby girl tonight for over an hour. Just the feel of her in my arms and looking at her sweet face gave me restored hope and faith that one day I will be holding one of my own again.

Where do we go from here?

Extremely emotional appointment with the RE today. He did a SHG to follow up on the HSG that I had on Monday.

He found a very large polyp almost immediately. Even my untrained eye saw it instantly. It was very clear on the screen. He said it was approximately 3cm and needs to be surgically removed.

The cysts are still there and haven't shrunk at all so he wants to have those removed as well.

My right tube is definitely blocked on the outside. Because of this, he said my risk of ectopic pregnancy rises and he recommends going straight to IVF.

Unfortunately, I don't know how we'll afford IVF.

I feel like we've reached a wall that I can't break down or go around. I left the doctor's office and sat in the car and just sobbed and sobbed. Big, loud, heaving sobs. Somehow I made it through the day at work with breaks to go in the bathroom and cry.

And as if that bad news wasn't bad enough.... I got a big box of Enfamil samples in the mail today. Grrrrr.

Meetings, procedures & classes, oh my!

The last two days I have been staying pretty busy gearing up for our IVF cycle. Last night I attended the IVF Support Group meeting I talked about yesterday. When I got there, I saw a couple sitting outside in the hall & when I tried them, the doors to my fertility center (different location than my normal office - same place I went for my HSG) were locked. So I rang the doorbell & the group facilitator came out to let us in, the couple sitting outside followed me in, saying they didn't realize that there was a bell to ring! Then the facilitator, who is a licensed clinical psychologist, went back to her office to grab a few things. While we were waiting for the meeting to begin, the couple & I started chatting a bit. The other couple & other lady who was attending showed up about 10 min. later & we got started! It was really great to get to talk to people in similar situations & having similar feelings about their upcoming IVF cycles. One of the ladies attending even has an estimated ER three days before me! We all exchanged information & left saying we'd keep in touch. It was seriously awesome. I have absolutely no regrets about attending & I plan on doing it again next month if I am available - for sure! I highly recommend that anyone facing IF - whether you feel like you are really having a hard time or even if you feel like you are coping with your IF pretty well - attend a support group meeting either thru your RE's office or check out RESOLVE to see if there are any group meetings in your area. Talking to other women in a situation similar to you is really very powerful & takes away a lot of the feelings of being broken & isolation that you may be feeling. (Photo Credit for above photo).

Today I had a saline sonohysterogram (SHG) & mock embryo transfer (MET). I did not realize I was even getting an SHG until I got to the office & they gave me a paper to sign agreeing to undergo the procedure. I thought it would just be a MET, but I guess my RE likes to do both at the same time to ensure there are no problems uterine problems that had not been caught. Anyways, the whole thing went by pretty quickly. He inserted the cathetar & released a little of the solution in slowly. Mr. WB was right there with me & my RE showed us where the catheter was & the solution being released in side my uterus, and also showed us the shape of my uterus & ovaries - both of which he said looked perfect! No cysts or any other problems he could identify.

After that, we headed over to the injection training class. It was very informative & we got to meet a few other couples from our center. The nurse leading it was my nurse, who I LOVE! IMO, the scariest of the shots seems to be the HCG Trigger shot, but I think I will ask my sister (a nurse) to do that one for me. If she's unavailable at the time I need it (doing it exactly on time is VERY important as it must be done 36 hours prior to retrieval), then Mr. WB can do it. We start Lupron injections on Tuesday. I can't believe we are really getting this cycle started...hard to believe that our greatest wish could become a reality in just about a month! I am hoping that everything continues to go smoothly & my body responds well to the meds. As always, thanks so much for the all the T&P (sorry I always end like this ;o), but I really do want to express my gratitude to everyone thinking of us)! (Photo Credit for above photo).

An Unbelieveably Blessed Day!

So a little history...
4 weeks ago at the beginning of my Follistim/Femara Cycle and during a Hysteroscopy my RE Dr. B found a large uterine polyp that took up the majority of my uterine cavity. Dr. B cancelled the cycle and told me I would need it surgically removed before I could cycle again. He tried for awhile to get it with his forceps but he could not. I then made appointment with Dr. R my OB/GYN and she scheduled me for a Saline Sonogram for Tuesday November 3.

Photography Credit

Fastforward to Tuesday November 3
Dr. R and her colleague Dr. G performed the Saline Sonogram this afternoon and according to what they saw my uterus was clear and informed me I would not need surgery and that the polyp probably passed on its own... What?????? I was so irritated and confused because I saw that huge ugly polyp for myself on the video screen during my hysteroscopy.

So I get to my car and call my RE Dr. B. He tells me to come right in to his office no appointment at all and gave me a sonogram and another Hysteroscopy this evening and the huge polyp is gone!!!!! He showed me the before and after pics tonight and it is truly unbelievable! I have been praying about this situation and Dr. B gave me the all clear to go ahead and cycle so I will be doing Femara, Follistim Ovidrel and Timed Intercourse! I love Dr. B!!!