Unsung Lullabies

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I have started reading "Unsung Lullabies" and so far I think it will be an awesome book for me to read. It goes through the emotional trauma that people go through when the find out that they have fertility problems and how you can deal with those struggles. It also goes over how fertility problems affect the male and ways to help them cope with there feelings. I know that Mr. Explorer Bud is always trying to be strong for me and not express his sadness about not being able to have kids the "Normal" way. I hope that after reading this book I can be a bit more aware of what Mr. Explorer Bud is feeling, of course we talk about it a lot, and how to help him express himself and know it is alright for him to let those feelings out. We are only able to really heal after we allow ourselves to express our thoughts, feeling and emotions.

My friends always ask how I am doing and how I am handling not being pregnant and having so many friends and family that have new babies and I can honestly say it is getting better. I feel like I am at a point where I am not so jealous and angry at everyone for having what I can't. Not that I don't still want to be pregnant but I am embracing where I am here and now and being happy with it. It has taken me a while to honestly feel that way but I am glad I have reached this point and hope that I can continue to find happiness in our lives in whatever stage of TTC we are in.

Disgusted

When I started blogging over a year ago, I was in a very different place. I have talked plenty about the frustration of going from a place where we were ready to start TTC over a year ago, to employment situations changing, to now being in limbo and on hold. What I haven't talked about is the reason I have the screen name that I do; Fitness. Way back when, when TTC seemed like it was just around the corner, I was focused on fitness. I was working out regularly, I was eating well, and though I wanted to lose a few pounds, I wasn't overly concerned about where I was at.

My how times have changed. I don't know if the stress did it, or the disappointment, or the setback from being involved in a car accident. It could have been campaign season that did me in, or really just my own sheer stupidity. Either way, I am now 20 pounds heavier than I was, and I feel absolutely disgusted with myself. My clothes don't fit, and things that used to look good on me now look far too snug.

Mr. Fitness Bud has always been my biggest fan. Even as I started gaining weight, he never stopped telling me I was beautiful, but I definitely stopped believing him. This is not a fun place to be in. I hate watching the numbers on the scale climb, yet I know that it is completely my fault. I may not be able to control my employment situation right now, but I CAN control my weight, and the time for that is now.

This was me on my wedding day. This was me when I was at a weight that I was comfortable with. I felt attractive. I felt comfortable in my own skin. I wasn't at my lowest weight, but I was at my "perfect" weight. I just felt good.

I don't feel good anymore. Which is maybe why I don't have any recent pictures.....I don't want to be in them!

This is the first time I have said this "out loud". I felt that with everything going on, that my weight was the least of my worries. But I need to get back to feeling good about myself. I need my confidence back.

So, it starts today. I am going public with these stupid weight struggles. I want to lose the weight BEFORE I get pregnant, so that I don't have an additional 20 pounds to lose AFTER. And I need accountability, so I am trying this again.

I know this is a sensitive subject for a lot of people. I know that I am not severely overweight. I also know each of us have different body types, and different sizes at which we feel comfortable. I am not saying that one way is better than another. I am only speaking for myself and how I feel comfortable in my own skin. And I am asking for help and support so that I can get there.

Thank you all so much. Today is a new day. And hopefully it will be a better one.

IVF about to begin?

I swear my dear old Aunt Flo is playing games with my mind right now. Last night I started spotting with brownish/red blood (sorry for the TMI) & I figured when I woke up this AM, AF would be full on. Nope. She has pretty much disappeared as of yet. I am hoping that IF she is going to come, then she just does so that I can call my IVF nurse for directions on what to do to get our IVF cycle under way! I have a lot of emotions running thru me right now, but mostly I'm hopeful for our future!!

I am calling a IF counselor today to see if me & Mr. Worry Bud can get in & talk to a professional about the stress & anxiety I'm beginning to feel. I guess it's just fear of the unknown, so I want to stop any negative thoughts before they begin. I'm not sure exactly what we/I will get out of the session, but I truly believe that the less depressed/anxious/stressed you are about your cycle, the better outcomes will be. Dr. Alice Domar talks about the importance of the mind/body connection in her book, "Conquering Infertility".

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In addition to the professional counseling, I am trying to get into yoga & practice other relaxation techniques. I'm trying to rid my life of unnecessary stressors & just focus on us making a baby for now. Thanks again for all the T&P being sent my way - it helps to know others are thinking of us. :o)