Nothing New

Acupuncture is going well, I have talked with another girl that did acupuncture and got pregnant about her experiences seeing various acupuncturist. She had similar experiences in that they were all different and she ended up going with the one that was the most thorough. Her's unfortunately is about an hour away so I won't be going to her for acupuncture but I may go up for a nutrition and herbal recommendation. Last month I started doing the ovulation tests but I didn't start testing till day 12 in my cycle so I am not sure if I already had. This cycle I got a faint positive last night and so I am going to take another one tonight to see if it is a stronger positive. If so that is a good sign that the acupuncture is helping since I haven't ovulated on my own in a couple of years. We are still moving forward with IVF in July/August but have continued to look further into our other options if this round doesn't work. Mr. EB and I are off to Oahu today for the week and are looking forward to lots and lots of relaxation and sun!!!

Cycle Day 7 - I Might Be Normal Again

Well, today is the 7th day of my cycle and there is no sign of Ov in sight. No CM and no temp increases. On the 8th day of my last cycle, FF says I OV'd. I would think if that were the case this cycle, I would of atleast gotten a positive OPK by now. I tested Monday 2x, Tuesday 3x, and once this morning got all negatives. Just a little bit of LH in my system but not enough that means OV is coming. I recently learned that LH is always in our bodies. Who knew?!
So maybe this means my cycle might be somewhat normal this month! That would be such a relief!

Today is the last day of my 5 day dosage of Femara. The 2- 2.5 mg pills each day hasn't caused any side effects. Just slight headaches .....but I think those were around before I took even took the meds. Now today.....that is another story. I've been taking them at 11am each day, and today at around 2:30ish, I got SOOOO sluggish and dizzy. The headache came to. I attribute all of this to the Femara. I'm glad it's the last day! I am experiencing some weird pains on each side where my ovaries are......idk what that means.

Now I just pray that the Femara does what it is supposed to do and ensures that I OV. Ideally, that would be around day 12 or 13. That way my egg will be soft enough for the little squirmys to get in ;)

Here is my chart as of this morning......no abnormal temperature spike, so hopefully it holds off another few days!!

Blah Blah Blah

Nothing too much to post about today. I'm still frustrated by my confusion. Did I ovulate just 7 days past AF's arrival like fertility friend said I did (I sure hope not). Or did I ovulate 10-12 days past AF's arrival like my OPK said. I don't know what to believe.

My tata's are still sore and I feel kind of bloated today. My temperature is still rising so I dont know what in the world all of this means. I guess I will find out in about a week when "technically" I'm supposed to start my cycle.

Another frustrating part is the fact that I have ALWAYS been like clock work. 28-30 day cycle each and every month. And of course when we are finally able to try again, something gets effed up! Ugh.....never fails.

Here's my current chart.

Cramping is a sign of...

Who knows?! :( I have had some strange cramps and twinges. Not to mention that I threw up twice last week, all of a sudden. I don't know if it's the diet I'm on (using medication and metformin), or what... Mr. DBud made me POAS, but all I got was a BFN. Surprise, surprise.

According to my Period Tracker App, I am ovulating this week...





... On Thursday, to be exact. I guess we'll see. It's been so hectic lately, we haven't even BDed. We have been so exhausted and busy with other things. Gotta make time to get busy!!!!! :)

Anyway... Hope everyone had a nice Halloween! I can't believe it's already November... Hopefully some of us can cook up some Turkeys of our own this month ;)



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Maybe?

Going to make this quick, as I am in bed and want to go to sleep ;)

So today was supposed to be the day of the "O", as per my Period Tracker App... The little flower marked Wednesday, April 20th, proudly :)

When Mr. DBud got home, he was feeling quite frisky... I actually think he totally forgot I was O-ing today, but he didn't care! He just wanted some... And it was good :) I was happy... It had been a while since we got busy.

When shower time came around and I used the restroom... There it was... A LOT of what seemed to be EWCM. This was around 4-5 hours after we got busy, so it definitely wasn't anything else - I had already used the restroom a few times and hadn't seen this. Is this a good sign?? Advice please :)

But now, with this, we enter the 2ww... :-/

And now it's time to pop a pre-natal...

Here's hoping May 4th brings good news :)




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Well hello ovulation.

At least I think that's what this is. I have been feeling some twinges on my lower right side (which I don't typically notice ovulation pain) and the OPK I took earlier today is SUPER dark. It's not quite positive, but I am thinking that if I take another OPK later in the day it will be. The best sign that ovulation is impending is my cervix is high and soft and holy crap, I had EWCM that probably could have stretched for a mile. No joke. I have never seen it like that! Hopefully all signs are correct, and my body is gearing up to ovulate. And maybe even today!! That would be a welcomed change since I am currently on CD 13 and I typically ovulate somewhere around CD 25-27.

The only downfall to my theory is my chart is whacked out this month. Seriously. My temps are all over the place. So much so Fertility Friend gave me cross hairs on CD 10. What??! Umm, I fairly confident I didn't ovulate on CD 10. And if I did, I am screwed since there is no chance we caught the egg. But yeah, I am pretty sure I didn't ovulate then.

Fingers crossed that I ovulate in the near future. I am hopeful that ovulating on CD 14 vs CD 27 will be the change I need to get KU!

I want another one of these.....

Yep, I AW Little PB&J Bud every chance I get :)

PB&J Bud

There might be a small chance....

That I *could* get pregnant this cycle.

!!!!!!!

Initially I thought I was out this cycle since I'd be out of town and away from my H during O. The latest I have ovulated (since I began charting) is CD 27 and according to the calendar, I wasn't due to arrive home until CD 31, which was way past any real hope of conceiving a baby. So I decided to enjoy my "off" month and take a charting break......which I am now regretting.

Half way through my 3.5 week trip to FL I got a wild hair and decided to change my departing date and come home 5 days earlier, or on CD 26. So maybe, just maybe there is a chance I might get pregnant (remember, last month I ovulated on CD 27)! To further my excitement, I was super stoked to arrive back home to an overwhelming amount of EWCM, which is an oddity for me. Another promising sign that pregnancy is not out of the question is the morning I left for the airport my temp was 96.50 and the following morning it rose to 97.60. Talk about a spike! But of course I have 15 days of missing temps prior and an explanation for my low temp could have been my 4:30 AM waking time in preparation for my early morning flight (which I missed BTW. Lucky for me I was able to get out later in the day).

So who knows. I guess I will find out the answer in the next few days. Either AF will arrive or I will get my BFP. Sigh. I am not holding my breath. The cynic in me says AF will be arriving any day now......

PB&J Bud :)

Hoping for a little magic!

First I want to welcome all the new buds! I am so happy to read your stories and follow your journey.

Sorry for the delay in writing, last week I was super busy helping one of my good friends get her wedding details finished before the big day. Both Mr. Determined Bud & I were in their wedding this past weekend. Since I was the only bridesmaid (or I guess matron) who was married I had to help keep her calm before the big walk down the aisle. It was a great day for Mr. DB & me to remember our vows, and the love we shared on our day. Something about weddings just makes everyone really express how they feel. Overall it was a beautiful day and perfect for our friends to express their absolute devotion and love to one another.

I was very excited because the morning of their wedding I woke and took an OPK, the normal for CD 14, and there was that little happy face smiling at me. I truly love that little happy face! Mr. DB & I started BD’ing! So now I am stuck in the dreaded 2ww! Today is CD 16. Fingers crossed that this cycle worked. I have definitely felt more symptoms than in my earlier cycles. I have felt more twinges of pain which I am hoping is my body actually ovulating! We will see. I think this 2ww might go a little faster than the others have for me. We will be closing on our new home in 10 days, so I have plenty of packing and cleaning to do to keep my busy until the wait is over.Photo Credit

I will be finding out right before our family (Mr. DB, myself, my amazing mother, & fantastic brother) vacation to Disneyland. How fun would it be to break the news to all of them in Disneyland. It would truly make Disneyland the happiest place on earth for us!

Photo Credit

So I am going to keep hoping I can share magical news to my family in a very magical place!

I hate waiting

So I am unofficially in the 2ww. I had my peak day on the monitor along with O pains and EWCM I am pretty sure I O'd on CD14. That makes me 2dpo today, only 12 more days until testing!

I started eating pineapple core yesterday and I was pleasantly surprised. The texture definitely isn't my favorite, think hard, stringy celery, but the flavor is still pineappley. Hopefully this works. Mr. Buttercup Bud thinks it is weird, oh well.

I have also been staying in bed on my back after we BD and not getting up until morning. Hopefully that helps as well. DH has been really into making sure we BD a lot this cycle. I think my impatience has worn off on him a little.

Since I wasn't temping I cannot be sure that I O'd but I would really like a break from BDing. That might sound bad but it does get tiring doing it every single day.

I have been reading a ton of books on birth, the history of birth, midwives etc and Mr. Buttercup Bud and I are really hoping to use a midwife when I get KU'd. Luckily, one of my best friends mom is a midwife who works at a really wonderful birth center. When we get KU she will give us a private tour! I am super excited about that. I have been to the birth center many times but never really got the tour.

Random funny Buttercup Boy story: Me and Buttercup Boy & Girl went to the pharmacy yesterday to pick up my prenatal vitamins. Buttercup Boy asked why I needed vitamins. I told him it was incase I had a baby in my belly to make sure it is healthy. So the little guy walks up to the pharmacist and says, "We need vitamins for our baby!". Out of the mouths of babes. It was super cute. Hopefully he has some sort of intuition!

Hope all my fellow buds are doing well!

-Buttercup Bud

O Machine says...

Max Fertile Day is CD 12! I seriously love this thing. Right now I am CD 7 so it looks like I will be O'ing on Valentines Day. I seem to have a knack for O'ing on holidays, I O'd on Christmas too. Hopefully Valentines Day is the day that brings us a BFP.

I have been drinking POM and Green Tea like it is my job this cycle. I have also been staying away from Fertility Friend since I spent a lot of time staring at my chart last cycle. I have been trying to relax more this cycle too. I also plan on eating Pineapple core starting on the 15th and through the 20th. It can't hurt right?

My friends mom is a midwife and I have gotten in contact with her for advice on conceiving. I have been reading everything I can get my hands on about birth, mostly natural birth. The midwife said she had some more books for me (my Kindle is full of a page worth of Birth books!) and that she would give Mr. Buttercup Bud and I a private tour of the birth center. I definitely want the tour but I don't want to do it until we are pregnant. I suppose I might be getting a little ahead of myself researching birth when I am not pregnant yet, oh well.

Awhile back I bought a Skip Hop Duo Deluxe Messenger Diaper Bag, that looks like this:



from my local cloth diaper store and one cloth diaper. Yes, just one! I wanted to start building my stash. Since I bought those though, I have resisted buying anything else for future Baby Buttercup. It is so hard, I love baby stuff! Plus 2 of our really close friends are pregnant and due within a week of each other. Lots of babies going on around here. Hopefully I can join them soon. Until then my uterus and I will keep hoping.

-Buttercup Bud

Cross Hairs!

Not really a surprise to see them as I've had some pretty convincing signs that ovulation happened in the last few days (+OPKs, plummeting and then dramatically rising temperature, sex drive went from ridiculously high to non-existent). Still good to see nice solid cross hairs on my chart though. Any sign that my body is doing what its supposed to when its supposed to is a good thing.

I'm currently 3 DPO. I'm going to try and hold out on testing until 10 DPO (Friday, Feb 4th). Hopefully AF holds out until then too. Last month I started spotting at 9 DPO and that's just really cutting the luteal phase a little too short for my liking. I'm hoping it was a fluke post-miscarriage thing as its never happened before. I had some other weird (for me) symptoms in the 2ww last month too, namely really sore boobs (I'm talking wake me up at night painful, ouch!). When I was in for my annual last month, the doc said things like that are par for the course in the first few cycles post pregnancy loss. Last month was Cycle 2 post loss, so I'm optimistic that was the case.

So far I'm doing pretty well in this 2ww. Mr. CB and I had pretty good timing, and knowing we did what we could to up the chances helps. This is the easy part of the 2ww though. No chance the prospective little bud has implanted, so no point in even thinking of testing. I may be singing a different tune a few days from now...when the real mind games of the 2ww begin.

Take care,

Introducing Cactus Bud!

Hi Everyone,

I'm happy to be a part of Bloomin' Babies as I think it's a great idea to show the different paths we follow on the road to becoming a parent.

I'm Cactus Bud, chosen because I'm a recent transplant to Southern California. No shortage of cacti out here! I'm here in California courtesy of Mr. Cactus Buds job with the military. Before moving here, we lived in Virginia, but we're both from New England originally. We knew each other in high school, but were just friends. We started dating around the time of our 10 year reunion. We've been together more than 5 years now, married for about a year and a half of that. As you probably gathered from the numbers I just mentioned, we're in our mid-thirties, which is adding to our desire to start our family sooner rather than later.

I guess our TTC journey began in December 2009 when I went off the pill. Within weeks of that the military sent Mr. Cactus Bud went on a little trip which ultimately led to us living apart for upwards of 8 months. I used the time apart to learn how to chart and to let my body acclimate from coming off the pill. Thankfully my body adjusted to being off the pill quickly, becoming relatively predictable (avg ~29 days) within a couple months. We were reunited in September 2010, and that's where our TTC journey began in earnest.

We got our first BFP at the end of our second cycle trying (November 2010). I hadn't really been charting that month and was pretty surprised as I didn't think we'd timed things well at all. About a week after the BFP, near the 5 week point in the pregnancy, I had a miscarriage. I'm sure I'll discuss the loss more in a future post, so for now I'll just say it was a heart wrenching experience that I hope nobody reading this ever has to have.

I was very lucky in that my body miscarried both spontaneously and completely, allowing me to not need surgery and to TTC again after just one cycle. I was also lucky in that my body didn't miss a beat in getting back to a normal cycle. There have been some changes to my cycle since the loss, namely that I'm apparently ovulating a little later and have a shorter luteal phase. Its apparently pretty common for there to be such changes, and my doctor says the luteal phase length should be fine.

I'm currently in the midst of my second cycle TTC after a loss and am finding it a much different experience mentally than before the loss.

I'm looking forward to sharing this journey with you all.

Take care,

Happy happy :)

Well, what can I say? I am floating on a big, fluffy, cloud. Mr. DBud and I had a FABULOUS time celebrating our Anniversary. It was so wonderful, and we really needed it... It was nice to get away, just the two of us. :)

With that said, we had a good weekend when it came to BDing and Ovulating. If I did, in fact, ovulate this time, then we may have a success. But still, only time will tell.








In this screen shot of my calendar from the Period Tracker App... The flower represents my Ovulation (currently it is predicting that I am Ovulating today), and the hearts tell when we BDed. On Friday, u noticed I was dripping clear watery discharge (like, I could feel it), and on Monday we had major EWCM... So I think that was a good sign :)

So now, we wait...

Am I About to O?

I think today might be the day! You all know what I'm going to be doing tonight ;)

Judging by past temperatures (my past three charts have had a pretty sharp dip with a moderate temp increase on the day of O, with a sharp rise the next day), plus the symptoms I've been able to track, I may be on track for an earlier-than-usual O. Woohoo! [And if I put in high temps for the next 3 days, it gives me today as the day]. But I suppose all of this is just hypothetical until I actually see a temp rise. Too bad I have to be on a plane tomorrow at 7, which means my wake-up temp is going to be off. Also too bad that we're flying up to see my parents until Monday--so we'll be sleeping on a futon in the living room and I'll have a terrible time sleeping!



If you're traveling this week, stay safe. Sending all of you wishes for a BFP come January 1!
Love, Magnolia Bud

First O After M/C, Check!

I haven't been posting as much as I'd like to recently, because it's been hard for me to talk about the in-between. You know, the time in-between when I miscarried, when I felt my worst (physically and emotionally), and now, when I feel sort of better but still have some terrible moments that strike unexpectedly.

Mr. Magnolia Bud and I spent Thanksgiving weekend with my family, and had a nice weekend. Not stress-free or relaxing, by any means, but at least we were able to spend a little fun time with people who are important to us. My family lives near Chicago, so it was a chilly weekend!

Today is the first day of Hanukkah, and Mr. MB and I are using it as a new beginning. We're trying to stay positive, and are both tentatively excited about TTC again next cycle. I'm more ambivalent than he is, but as this cycle progresses, I find myself thinking ahead instead of only about what happened. We decided that even if we're going to not-not try, I'm still going to be taking Vitex and Maca Root, so that if I do get pregnant, the corpus luteum will be at its strongest and will have the progesterone it needs to survive until my body takes over. We're also excited about Maca's reputation for increased energy & libido...I haven't really had the best sex drive since the miscarriage. Poor Mr. MB!

Speaking of this cycle, it looks like I've O'd! At 3DPO I had solid crosshairs, and they've since changed to dotted...but I have a feeling it's from CM inconsistencies. I've been taking a lot of antihistamines this cycle since I had hives about two weeks ago. All of the open circles are from taking my temp too early, given all the travel we've been doing for a few weeks. I'm hoping this means my cycle will get back to "normal" in a couple of days with AF's arrival...

On the Road Again...

The road to AF that is. Does anyone else do this???? Hello, we had Mr. JB's SA done, and of course we all know it wasn't good news. We have moved on to adoption, but in the back of my mind I still believe that MAYBE someday I will get pregnant. Like now. I am on CD23. I *usually* have a 26-27 day cycle. More often than not a 26 day cycle. I did have a couple of 29 day cycles in their towards the very end, and my last cycle was 30 days (but, I tend to think the 30 day cycle was a result of being on the progestorone supplement). Anyhoo, here I sit wondering if I am pregnant. I know. I know. I need to let it go and just focus on the adoption process. Which, I am...but, one can hope right??? I want to be that person that tells everyone about our infertility struggles with Mr. JB's sperm, and then ends up pregnant with that miracle baby. Hmmmph.

I even went looking for my BBT last night figuring that I could start temping again to see if my temps are up. I could not find it ANYWHERE. I have a hunch that Mr. JB threw it away. Seriously. He told me to get rid of it when we decided to go the adoption route, so it would not be beyond the realm of possibility that he did indeed trash it. Anyways, after a searching frenzy I gave up.

I have even resorted to looking at my FF chart again, even though I have not temped at all. I am thinking I O'd around CD 12-14, as I had tons of EWCM on CD 10, and I usually O within a few days of that. So, I figure I can ballpark when I O'd.

Gosssssh, I am a LOSER!

Well, look at that

My temp went up again this morning.

I've still missed temping two out of the last four days, and I'm pretty sure FF is dead wrong about my cross hairs and also I don't want to get my hopes up...

But huh.

How about that.

Also, my boobs hurt and I'm really hungry.

NO! Say no to phantom symptoms!

Convincing myself I am I'm not I am I'm not pregnant,

Black hole? Check. Ladder? Missing.

I officially hit rock bottom. After the nurse called me yesterday, I had to pull over to the side of the road because I was crying so hard that I couldn't see and I couldn't stop. I stayed there for almost 40 minutes. It wasn't so much the news as the impact. The final straw, if you will. I finally got home where I went up to my bedroom and cried for another 2 hours while Mr. SB had little SB out running errands. When they got home, I sucked myself together and read her books, get her ready for bed and cuddled with her for a very long time. When I left her room, I couldn't think of anything else I wanted to do more than going back to bed and crying more. So that's what I did. And finally fell asleep at some point. Woke up this morning to more despair and more crying and finding no joy in anything except little SB. Once she was dropped off at school, back came the black cloud.

Let's rewind a little bit. I was very psyched up this month. I was going to show infertility that it was wrong and that I was going to get pregnant before needing any further prescription treatment. Then came 2 whole days, morning noon and night, of very positive OPK's (smiley faces so there was no confusion)! Wooohooo, I rarely get that many. THIS was going to be a great month, I could tell!! Had some pretty major cramping during that time and just knew I had released a doozy of an egg. Heck, maybe two!! Because I was going to beat infertility this month. I was really going to show it who was boss here. I was going to have the last laugh.

I've had no phantom symptoms or any of my normal symptoms for the past week so naturally I took that as a sign. Oh yeah... different is good!!! No symptoms = a really good symptom!!

No. No symptoms = no ovulation.

My progesterone level was 7. The nurse said that indicated no ovulation, or at the very least, a weak ovulation and that the level would not support a pregnancy. She was happy with my estradiol level of 135... a lot of good that does me if I didn't ovulate.

I see the RE on Friday to discuss everything. I don't even know if I want to go. Let's face it, it's not going to happen. I've had two surgeries, three Clomid attempts, two RE's, a partridge, a pear tree and a broken heart.

If it wasn't for my daughter, I honestly wouldn't even get out of bed. I don't want to. I drag myself out and I make the motions of living my life but it's not me anymore. I don't think I'm ever going to be the person I was two years ago, happy, optimistic, full of joy and life. All that's left is bitter, jaded, angry and broken.

I'm just completely broken. My spirit is broken. My body is broken. My heart is broken.

And the worst part... I feel like I'm all alone. I feel like NO ONE knows how this feels. I'm tired of being told to just have faith, don't give up hope. There is no more hope. It's completely drained. Faith? Why bother... I can't have faith in something that has caused me so much pain and heartache. Perhaps I've done something to deserve all of this. *shrug* I haven't been the most perfect person. I've made mistakes.

Normally I can rebound pretty quickly and regain some optimism and trudge forward with the next cycle. Not this time. I seem to have misplaced the ladder and I can't climb out.

And I still have 9 whole days before the end of this cycle. As if the 2WW wasn't bad enough, it's even worse when you know there's no chance of being pregnant and having to wait 9 more days to get it over with.

Rainbows = Fertility?

Cross-hairs AND five free VIP days on FF? AND a rainbow at work?

Yes, Please!

Granted, the rainbow has nothing to do with my fertility, but I can take it as a sign if I want to. And I think I will, actually.



That's scientifically sound, right?

Joking (mostly) aside, after 32 days, we are officially in the 2ww; without medication, I might add. Our timing wasn't fantastic, but the fact that I O'd on my own is more than enough to make up for it if this isn't our cycle.

Hoping everyone else is having a rainbow and unicorn filled day,
Cherry Bud

Good Vs. Evil!

Guess what I did today?? Shopped for my neighbor, who just had a beautiful baby boy. We became good friends with them, when we realized that their daughter, attended the same preschool as lil June Bud, and that the kids were in the same class. Lil JB doesn't go to that preschool anymore, but with them living diagonally across the street from us, we have remained very good friends with them. Not only did she have a beautiful baby boy, but she also named him our number 1 baby boy name. Not that it makes any difference to them or us, but it was just ironic to me. I went out and sucked up my own self pity, and bought them a really cute onesie, some cute lil socks, and some other stuff. I am also going to cook a dish for them, so that maybe that will help them out a bit. Aren't these onesies adorable????? Walmart!!!!! Such a great place for cute digs for newborns :-)

Oh, and of course I got a really cute gift for the new big sister. :-) I am so excited that their new little bundle of joy is here, but of course deep down inside I can't help being jealous. I wonder how it will be emotionally when I hold him for the 1st time? I will probably cry...tears of joy for them, and tears of frustration for us. The good thing is, that they know exactly what we are going through. Even though we have not known them too long, I really feel comfortable talking to them, so I have opened up about our TTC struggles, so they know exactly the position we are in.

Guess what else I did today?? I THOUGHT I had finally ovulated. I know. I was speechless too. I had a temp spike this morn, so I figured within a few days I would probably get crosshairs on FF (well, dotted ones atleast due to my crazy temp taking times), but crosshairs at that. Well, then I got a massive amount of EWCM. WHAAAAA? So, where does that put me in the whole O dilemma? Any insight would be awesome. I am just thoroughly confused by my body this month...and the timing does not help either. If we WERE to get pregnant this month, I would have a mid May due date, which would be AWESOME because it would only be a few weeks before the end of the school year. All of the standardized testing would be done, all of my counseling would be coming to an end, and they would not even have to replace me while I was gone.

Murphy's Law says that would be too good to be true. Oh, but here's a positive...

I bought myself cookies, and will indulge because I can :-)

LOVE!

June Bud