I'm Finally Back.....

...............and knocked up.

Yep, after 4 miscarriages, I'm pretty sure I'm going to get my take home baby.

After my 4th miscarriage, I took a break from this blog and all things baby, for about a year. After coming home from vacation in July, I looked and Mr. SB and asked him if he wanted to give it the old college try again. If it didn't work this time, we would make our way to the Cleveland Clinic for IVF with genetic testing on the embryos - although deep down I know my heart couldn't take coming to that. Mr. SB agreed and I made a call to my RE that afternoon.

Our first cycle was in August. I upped my Clomid dose to 150 mgs (helllooo crazy!), and the cycle failed. My first only failed cycle with Clomid. Devil pills worked like a charm every time before. So, being the neurotic head case that I am, I convinced myself I couldn't even conceive anymore.

Next cycle was in September - 150 mgs again (poor Mr. SB).

10 DPO - nada

12 DPO - peed on stick, went in shower, washed hair, looked at stick, thought I saw 2 pink lines, thought my eyes were still "sleepy", jumped out of shower, woke up Mr. SB to confirm lines, lines confirmed by Mr. SB, phone call made to RE. Diagnosis? Pregnant.

The next few weeks was pretty much the hardest thing I have ever been through. Blood test after blood test to make sure the babe was growing. The first was the worst - especially since my beta was a mere 14. But 48 hours past, and it jumped to 110. Bingo.

And at 8 weeks I saw this, and was released from my RE:

To date, my most treasured picture. This is the little dude at 7 weeks 5 days with a strong heartbeat. One of my saddest days was saying goodbye to my RE's office, especially to Nurse K - who hugged me and cried with me when we found out I had miscarriage #4. Their last words to me were, "Make sure you send us a picture of your baby!", and my eyes instantly welled up with tears. It made it all seem so real - it was really happening - I was having a baby.

A few days after this picture was taken, morning sickness kicked in full force. Have you ever driven down a highway at about 65 mph, find yourself dry heaving and despite your best efforts can't find ANYTHING to puke into inside your car? And you find yourself praying to Baby Jesus that if he spares your freshly cleaned upholstery just this one time, you promise to never cuss, take a fake sick day or gossip (insert sin here) ever again? Well, that was a day in my life, and after that day, I never left home without my trusty puke bucket (pictured below):

I was one of those lucky broads that was sick for about 16 weeks. Not the oh, I kind of feel like I have bad heartburn sick, but the holy bajesus, I need to go to the bathroom now and oops I just puked on my pants kind of sick. I kept a peppermint teabag at my desk so I could just smell it when some idiot cooked fish or burnt popcorn in the break room. Ginger ale and saltines were my new besties that I couldn't go an hour without.

I also ate orange sherbert - a lot.

But as bad as it was, morning sickness gave me a great sense of security. If the dude wasn't growing, I wouldn't be hurling - so in a way I sort of appreciated it (not that I'd want it back or anything, but you know).

So this was a basic recap of my first trimester. I'll post again soon to recap the second (didn't want to make it too long).

Congrats to all my buds that are now pregnant (Diva, I'm looking at you!), and for the ones that aren't don't give up hope. You will all have your take home babies soon as long as you keep the faith.

Clomid Cycle #3

I've debated writing this post. I am usually not an emotional person, and do not wish to be portrayed as such. I view emotion as weakness, and for the most part, try to keep it at bay - especially in front of strangers.



However, I think it is time to come clean. I could just sit here and type to you matter of fact postings describing how crazy fertility drugs make me, but that is not the reason why I joined this blog. In my short 4 month here, I have come to see you all not as strangers, but as a supportive community. You have all shared your ups and downs with me, and I think it is time to share mine with you.



After AF decided to announce her presence (on her own this time, which is very out of character), I began Clomid cycle #3 on 100mgs of pure insanity.



This time? Was kind of anti-climatic. I was a little weepy the first night, and I continue to have a few hot flashes, but so far I have not been an emotional basket case nor have I spit my gum on the side of someones car because they cut me off in traffic (Wait, did I forget to tell you guys that story? Its probably for the best.). Basically, I have just been hanging out and FREAKING THE EFF OUT over becoming pregnant again.



I'm scared to death that if I become pregnant and lose a fourth pregnancy, it will be the one that breaks me. On the other hand, I feel like I cannot move forward with my life until I get past this hurdle. I feel like I have been stuck in a time warp, and when I think that we have been trying to have a baby for almost 2 years now, it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

Not to mention how much I feel like a failure. I feel like I am letting everyone down with my infertility. My poor husband - what did he do to deserve this?

Speaking of my poor husband, I think he knows more about the female reproductive system than any man ever wants to know. No man should know what EWCM is, let alone what it looks like.

So here I am, wallowing in my own pity, and moving forward without knowing if I should. However, if I always feared the unknown, I would be sitting alone, in my house, with approximately 10-15 cats (all of which I would be knitting socks for).

I think right now its best to take a chance. Because without chances, I think we all would become Crazy Cat Ladies.....and I'm not that great of a kniter anyways.

Smelling The Roses

Unfortunately, my type of personality is the one that falls on the border between slightly neurotic and complete lunatic. Throw in The Clomid Factor, and I'm sure you can guess where my head is at right now. I am the type of person who always has to be in the driver seat, and who can always manage the situation (Hi! I'm an only child - can you tell?). I am that person that strives for perfection with whatever task I'm undertaking, and because I'm that persistent? I usually achieve it.

Hello my name is Sarcastic Bud, and I am a control freak.

So, as you can imagine, infertility has hit me where it hurts. Its such a foreign concept to me that I am not perfecting the art of making a baby (Wait, I'm definitely perfecting the art of making the baby, just producing a child from it. TMI? Sorry about that - I'm also an over-sharer). And as much as I just want to hold my breath and stomp my feet in protest because I have not been able to get knocked up and keep a pregnancy for almost 2 years, I know that won't get me anywhere (except maybe a trip to the funny farm, or to the nearest preschool).

But I had a moment of clarity yesterday. I have been investing so much of my time and energy into getting pregnant, I haven't taken a moment in a long time to take in all of the wonderful moments that have been happening in my life. And the good? It far outweighs the bad. In fact, the only bad thing - ahem, bump in the road - in my life right now is this infertility business.

And I would like to take this opportunity right now to share with you, the awesomeness that is my life (in list form, because I am a master list-maker).

1. I am financially stable.

2. My complete kick ass marriage. My husband is my best friend and lover all rolled into one. I have never had a connection with anyone like I have with him. The support that we have given each other over the past year has touched my heart, and made me realize how lucky I really am.

3. I don't have a mortgage to pay. My house was inherited from my grandparents.

4. My dad is now cancer free. He was diagnosed last summer with colon cancer and it completely killed me. My dad is my hero, and to see him going through what he had to go through made my heart actually ache. But now? He's back to riding his Harley and planning his next tattoo (ya, I have a cool dad!) because he has been in remission since March.

5. My husband is the most handsome man I have ever laid eyes on. This is why I'm so good at trying to make babies.

6. The job I am so lucky to have. Who gets their dream job in their 20s? My job is the job I having been wishing for every since I graduated college. I still feel sometimes that I am a little girl playing dress up in her mother's clothes when I'm getting ready for work in the morning, or that I don't actually deserve this job, but ever day I walk in there kicking ass and taking names to prove that I belong there. I get paid to do what I would do for free.

7. I have a wonderful friends. Friends that will be there to dry my tears or buy me a box of wine (keeping it classy) - depending on what the situation calls for.

Yes, this list is a little self-indulgent and maybe boring for others to read, but it has helped me out a lot. If you are going through the same thing that I am, I encourage you to make a list too.

Life goes by far too quickly and if you focus too closely on the negatives, you will miss the positives that makes life worth living.

As for me, I am taking the time right now to stop and smell the roses around me. And there has never been such a sweeter scent in my life.

Holy Mood Swings, Subtitle: Why My Husband Deserves a Freakin' Medal

Under normal circumstances I hate to be uncomfortable - either mentally or physically. Standing outside in 90 degree weather? Forget about it, I'm not too fond of sweating through my clothes. Sitting in the kitchen while a friend and her husband are arguing about their finances? I'm out like a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.

Because I am so sensitive to my comfort level, my annoyance meter usually stays at a steady 40 (out of 100, 100 being the highest annoyance, of course), but you would never know it. Somehow, miraculously in my older age, I have been able to control my emotions. But throw in The Clomid Factor (yes, this has hit the point that it deserves a formal title!) and Holy Mother of Cats, hold on to your butts.

I've been fortunate enough that I have not experienced the harsh side effects others have had on this medication, but this little pill? Has made my annoyance meter hit a steady 80 (on a good day), and has taken down a few innocent bystanders along the way.

The Clomid Factor has influenced the following situations this week:

1. Apparently talking through a yawn is completely unacceptable behavior. Mr. SB had the nerve to do this unthinkable act on the phone the other day and I hung up on him........only to call back 30 seconds later to apologize.

2. A teenage employee at Chik Fil A wished me a Happy Mothers Day complimented by a free brownie. This made me Lose. My. Mind. Most of you are probably thinking this upset me because of the problems I have been having becoming pregnant, and that my emotions were totally warranted. Not the issue. I thought she was calling me old. I snatched the bag out of her hand and peeled out of the drive thru like a bat out of hell (yes, I ate the brownie, yes, I enjoyed it, and yes, I'm pretty sure this secured my spot in hell).

3. Speaking of driving, I'm beginning to think that the keys should be quickly taken away from me. But being that my work is about an hour away from my house, there's really no way to get around it. My road rage has about tripled on the annoyance meter, and the only thing that has kept me under control is the irrational fear I have where I think everyone carries a gun in their glove compartment (irrational fears are my specialty).

4. Trip to the grocery store? A small feat under normal circumstances, a complete disaster under The Clomid Factor. Not being able to find the peanut butter led to a sob fest in the car on the way home. Never in my life have I been so over emotional over peanuts and oil (shocking, I know.).

Add in the fact that my favorite hockey team (love ya Pens!) was completely embarrassed out of the playoffs, and its been a hard week. But you know what? Every day it has gotten better. I've learned to curb my emotions and realize when I am acting like an irrational, crazy person. And above all, I have an understanding that sometimes you have to go through a little bit of hell to get to heaven (I just hope Mr. SB has the same understanding. Have I mentioned how I do not deserve this man?).

I have my eyes on the prize - a Little SB that will most likely have my eyes and my husband's laugh. And that, my friends? Is worth all the unjustified Mother's Day brownies and tears spilled over peanut butter in the world.