Appointment Disappointment

Welcome Bossy Bud, it is great to have you here!!

Today was our second IVF appointment where we were doing an ultrasound to check how the eggs were growing. Well...it seems I don't respond all that well to Clomid & Femara and my eggs are not growing. So we had two choices, cancel the cycle now or the next two days up my dose of Menopur and do another ultrasound Thursday to see if they have grown so we can retrieve them. I feel like banging my head against a wall!! We of course went with option 2 since who bails when you have a slight chance to get something out of the cycle. So we went home and Mr. Explorer Bud gave me 4 vials of Menopur in my rear. Luckily with some good numbing I didn't feel a thing. Really numbing does wonders when it comes to shots!! So I am keeping my fingers crossed that the eggs will grow so we can harvest them soon.

Disgusted

When I started blogging over a year ago, I was in a very different place. I have talked plenty about the frustration of going from a place where we were ready to start TTC over a year ago, to employment situations changing, to now being in limbo and on hold. What I haven't talked about is the reason I have the screen name that I do; Fitness. Way back when, when TTC seemed like it was just around the corner, I was focused on fitness. I was working out regularly, I was eating well, and though I wanted to lose a few pounds, I wasn't overly concerned about where I was at.

My how times have changed. I don't know if the stress did it, or the disappointment, or the setback from being involved in a car accident. It could have been campaign season that did me in, or really just my own sheer stupidity. Either way, I am now 20 pounds heavier than I was, and I feel absolutely disgusted with myself. My clothes don't fit, and things that used to look good on me now look far too snug.

Mr. Fitness Bud has always been my biggest fan. Even as I started gaining weight, he never stopped telling me I was beautiful, but I definitely stopped believing him. This is not a fun place to be in. I hate watching the numbers on the scale climb, yet I know that it is completely my fault. I may not be able to control my employment situation right now, but I CAN control my weight, and the time for that is now.

This was me on my wedding day. This was me when I was at a weight that I was comfortable with. I felt attractive. I felt comfortable in my own skin. I wasn't at my lowest weight, but I was at my "perfect" weight. I just felt good.

I don't feel good anymore. Which is maybe why I don't have any recent pictures.....I don't want to be in them!

This is the first time I have said this "out loud". I felt that with everything going on, that my weight was the least of my worries. But I need to get back to feeling good about myself. I need my confidence back.

So, it starts today. I am going public with these stupid weight struggles. I want to lose the weight BEFORE I get pregnant, so that I don't have an additional 20 pounds to lose AFTER. And I need accountability, so I am trying this again.

I know this is a sensitive subject for a lot of people. I know that I am not severely overweight. I also know each of us have different body types, and different sizes at which we feel comfortable. I am not saying that one way is better than another. I am only speaking for myself and how I feel comfortable in my own skin. And I am asking for help and support so that I can get there.

Thank you all so much. Today is a new day. And hopefully it will be a better one.

Egg Retrieval & disappointing fert report. :o(

We did my ER yesterday morning at 8:45am. I was a little scared since I had never been under anesthesia, but everything went well...I was literally in the operating room talking to the nurses, then the anesthesiologist told me he was administering part 2 of the drugs & next thing I know I was back in my recovery area. I rested there for a bit, then the nurse had me walk around & they discharged me. Before we left, the nurse told me that they got 17 eggs! I was happy with that # since my nurse told me that the average # was 10-20 eggs retrieved. When we got home, I laid in bed all day & let Mr. Worry Bud cater to me. :o) We were told to expect a call with the fertilization report today between 12pm-3pm.

Well, Dr. G just called me & here is my very disappointing fert report #s:

• 18 eggs retrieved (I guess maybe they counted wrong yesterday?)
• Only 7 were mature
• 5 fertilized - 1 abnormally, 4 normally

So 4, we have 4 embryos developing. I am soooo disappointed with this #s & I'm sure Dr. G could hear the disappointment in my voice, b/c he said that he knows going from 18 down to 4 seems very disappointing, but he triggered me a day earlier than he had originally expected to since I was responding so well to the meds & at risk for OHSS. I told Mr. WB that I thought I was being triggered a bit early, but that I figured that was the reason why - and although, I know just how dangerous OHSS can be & I'd never want to risk that for more mature eggs, it is still disappointing. Dr. G was saying that 4 was still good though since we will only be transferring 1-2 anyways, but I'm still upset. He asked if I had any questions, and I couldn't think of any, so he said he'll call me again tomorrow with an update. Ugh. This pretty much means that if this cycle fails, then I'll have to do another very time consuming fresh cycle (vs. an Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET)). :o( I'm trying not to think of that outcome, but realize it's a possibility & still trying to stay positive about this. I know God is watching over our 4 little embryos & is seeing to it that they continue to thrive. Please, Lord...watch over & protect our babies. Please let all 4 of them continue to grow & thrive & allow the two best to be ready for transfer on Tuesday or Thursday. Thank you for all that you do for us. Please help us to be the one thing we want to be more badly than anything else in this world - parents. Please help me to remain positive & optimistic about our chances for a happy & healthy pregnancy after this cycle. I love you Lord, Amen.

Sorry for a bit of a depressing post, but I'm still pretty upset about the #s. I know God has a plan for us & our embryos, but it is difficult not to be upset that only 22% of our embryos fertilized normally. And now of course, I'm starting to think of the "what ifs". What if he had allowed me to stim one additional day? What if he did & I developed OHSS? What if more were mature & fertilized normally? Would I feel a bit more excited rather than nervous? What if this cycle fails? I know the answer is that we will try to immediately cycle again (& luckily, we did Shared Risk so we have several more cycles left), but still...ugh. How will I handle that? Please send us any spare prayers, thoughts, vibes - anything you got - that our embryos continue to grow & make it to transfer this week. And also that 1-2 of the transferred embryos stick & we are celebrating our BFP in a couple of weeks. Thanks guys for everything. :o)