Up and Down My Emotions Go!

I don't even know where to begin this post. It has been a very.rough.week in June Bud land. It all started when I finally got in touch with the agency that licensed us as foster parents back in 2007. Let me remind you...I had called and left messages, emailed, and called and left messages, and emailed the woman whom I needed to speak to in regards to reopening our home as an adoptive placement. Finally, on a whim, at about 12 pm one afternoon last week, I just picked up the phone again and dialed. She actually answered. She sounded chirpingly (is that a word??) happy until she heard who it was on the other end of the line. Yup, honey. It 'tis me. The woman you have been trying to ignore for over two weeks. Not fair. I had been very explicit with what we wanted when I left my initial message, "hi, this is so and so, and we were foster parents. We would like to look into how our home can be reopened as an adoptive placement. We are looking to adopt a baby or toddler." So, she basically just started spewing on and on about how they are no longer licensing homes that want to adopt, unless of course we want to adopt one of the children over 11 years old that they have an abundance of sitting in the foster care world looking to be adopted. She knew we were looking into a baby or toddler, and she said that the foster homes they were licensing were only going to be utilized as foster homes, so any child placed in our home that ended up staying for a year or more would be inevitably transitioned into an adoptive home, so adopting would not be an option. OK, whatever, who cares what is right for the child involved? So, then I asked her if we could just look to adopt, and she said nope. Only if we were looking to adopt an older child. Now, I am not against adopting an older child, but this is something Mr. JB and I have thought about doing when our kids are older and can really take part in helping out a child less fortunate than ours. We are barely even 30 years old, I could not even imagine parenting a near teenager at this point in our lives. The only GOOD thing that came of our conversation was that the agency can do an adoptive home study for us free of charge, that we can then take to other agencies. They apparently do that for people who have worked with them before, as a courtesy, when they can't help us get what we are looking for. Great, thanks. Let's see how many phone calls it takes before I can actually get through to her again to get THAT lined up.

So, I was feeling pretty down. I cried a lot and really just felt like every door I tried to open kept getting slammed in my face. God forbid we want to HELP a child in need?? I just felt like their was no light at the end of the tunnel, and I really felt that things were finally taking their toll on me. Mr. JB and I had some rough patches last week, but in the end we just cried together. He is much more optimistic than me at this point, and sometimes that is helpful for me, and sometimes it frustrates me. I know he is just trying to be their for me, and to be strong. But, I want to be strong too dammit! I also got my period this weekend. Of course, I knew it was coming, but of course their is always a shimmer of hope out their in my soul that thinks just MAYBE I am pregnant. It was not even the normal, "oh here comes my period..." I had IMMENSELY painful cramps from Thursday-Sunday, and actually they were so bad Monday and today that I have been out of work. I honestly felt like my insides were being twisted and pulled. This has never happened to me before...I usually get a bit of cramping and some lower back pain, and then WHAM! She arrives. But, this time it was on and off for days, and then when she finally arrived Sunday, I thought things would look up. NOPE, I had extremely heavy bleeding, large clots, headaches, and very painful cramps. Just now today I am still cramping, but they are subsiding, the bleeding is slowing down and I just have a bad headache. So, with that and many new face book, I AM PREGNANT posts, I was beyond upset and frustrated. I am also over telling me how it will get better and things will fix itself. Really? Don't try to tell me that somewhere over the rainbow I am going to get magically pregnant and that the last 16 months my body just did not cooperate for the sake of not cooperating. Even my mother in law has chimed in, and THAT really made me lose my gourd. She is an RN, so every time something medical comes up she consults her com padres. So, I get to listen to how Mr. Urologist Man, who has never met my husband thinks this over the counter miracle drug is going to help his sperm. Really? He has a morphology and motility problem, not a sperm count problem. Oh, and Mrs. Doctor of all Doctor's told her that he can have surgery to correct the problem. Well, duh...if there IS a problem, we will look into getting it fixed...but, it all comes down to price. We don't have eons of money sitting around to just fork over. But, in mother in law land, just the fact that she can give her two cents is worth oodles of money to her. I told Mr. JB that when she has an infertility problem then she can give me advice. Last I checked...she had three kids. Sorry, I know that is vicious and mean, but I am over hearing people who have no idea what we are going through give me their piece. Just yesterday my dear friend told me that if I adopt again I will never get to look MY baby in the face when he or she is born, and just have that motherly feeling. Really? Cause, I looked in the face of 9 month old lil JB when he came to us, and I am SURE I felt the same thing. But, because he didn't come from meeeeeee, everyone feels the need to chime in. OK, vent over. On to more positive things.

We did go to dinner with some of Mr. JB's coworkers on Thursday night. It was nice to catch up with them, and they all know what we are struggling with. He works in social services, so we have some of his coworkers looking out for a baby in the system that will need a forever home. If one were to come available, we would try to take custody of the child as a non-relative placement, since the foster care avenue has not been working in our favor. I did also have a friend tell me that I should call Florida Baptist Children's Homes, which does foster care, adoption, domestic infant adoption, as well as has several shelters for children. I figured what the heck? Some people had told me that there domestic infant adoption program is not as pricey as others. We had immediately ruled out Catholic Charities and Bethany Adoptions because of the price tag. We just don't have $15,000 lying around...tax credit or not. So, I left the social worker at FBCH a message on Friday. She called me back today.

She was very sweet on the phone. I explained our situation to her, and expressed an interest in finding out more about their domestic infant adoption program. She went through a list of preliminary questions with me, and then did disclose that they currently have a waiting list. She anticipates being able to take on more couples a few months into 2011. She discussed fees and services with me (and it WAS cheaper), and I left our name on the list. She will be calling back early next year to let us know where we stand. So, that sounded promising. Of course, I HATE WAITING...but, at least this is a step in the right direction. Mr. JB was also excited. So, now we have two plans in place...1. if a child comes available from foster care that is adoptable, and 2. domestic infant adoption through FBCH. *sigh* I hope things look up soon.

~June Bud

A New Kind of Wait...

Well, the last time I had to wait, I was waiting for MR. JB's SA results. We all know that the results we got were not good, so we have decided to move onto adoption. I am sitting here typing this, and I am trying so hard to not be irrational. The day after we decided to go ahead with working towards adoption, I contacted the agency that we had fostered through to find out the process of having our home reopened as an adoptive home. I spoke to the woman who had originally licensed our home and worked with us for the two years we fostered, and she led me in the right direction. Little did I know everything would come to a screeching halt. I first emailed the woman who I need to speak with in regards to becoming an adoptive home. This was last Wednesday, and by Friday I still had not heard anything. So, I decided to drop her another quick email. She did write me back, wanting to know what would be a good time to call me that day. I gave her a huge open window (basically from 11 am on), and waited anxiously for her phone call. It never came. So, the weekend went by and I just enjoyed being with my family. We have some great friends who are our neighbors, and we attended a surprise birthday party at their house. I also babysat overnight for my friends one year old, which helped me get my baby fix. Monday rolled around, and I was very busy at work, but I took a moment to call the woman at the agency. Left her a message, gave her two different phone numbers to reach me on, and waited. She never called me back. Patience is not my best virtue, and I understand they are busy. But, in my mind, having a potential adoptive home ready to go that has already had a home study, and just needs to be reopened would have me jumping for joy. Oh well, I know I am not on the top her list, but when you have gone through what we have with trying to get pregnant, not getting pregnant, and then getting the news of not being able to get pregnant, you really, REALLY, REALLY want to move forward and as quickly as possible. I emailed her again yesterday to try to touch base and yet again, got no response. I just feel like it is never going to happen. I told Mr. JB my concerns, and of course he is urging me to be patient. RIGHT. I also brought up domestic infant adoption again, and that is just not in the cards right now, as the money would be an issue. Sigh. Waiting. It SUCKS!

Holy HSG!

I had my HSG Ultrasound yesterday. WOW. I knew it would probably hurt a bit, but it REALLY did. It was like my Uterus was going to explode. Well, not really, but you know what I mean. The cramping was unbearable, but I made it through. The doc said I have at least one good tube, they could not see the other one on the ultrasound, but he suspects it is good as well. He did prescribe me Clomid, and Mr. JB has Semen Analysis tomorrow.

The sad part was that I was SO depressed at the OB's office. They had me take a pregnancy test to rule out that I was pregnant before they did the U/S. Well, I knew I was not pregnant, because they perform the HSG while you are on AF, but of course I had that glimmer of hope. I kept thinking how badly I wanted to BE THERE to confirm I was pregnant and start that wonderful journey. Then when they did the actual U/S I kept thinking that SOMEDAY I would be there for an U/S to see my baby. Sigh...OH, and every time a cute little pregnant lady came in for an appointment, I teared up.

Moving on...

Can anyone explain to me what Clomid might do to my temps? I got a big temp spike this morn after taking it last night. I went up from 96.80 to 97.33. Just wondering if it makes it go up a bit. Anyways...the road goes on...

Let the fun begin...

I'm happy to report that we got a BFP this weekend! I had a light 2nd line on a FRER Saturday morning at 12dpo, then confirmed with a FRER digital Sunday morning at 13dpo. DH and I are both over the moon! It was my 9th cycle off BCP - a long and rocky road with the sweetest ever ending!

As you might remember from my recent post, at the beginning of March we got a less-than-ideal sperm analysis report, showing only 3% normal morphology. We kicked into gear right away, cutting out alcohol and supplementing with Pycogenol (for DH) and Pom juice for both of us. I never expected it to happen so quickly, and had totally prepped myself to wait the 3 months it takes for sperm to regenerate. I have no idea if these "home remedies" did anything, or if it was just luck. Let's hope this little jingle baby is a sticky one!

For those who are interested, here are the symptoms I had in this 2ww. I'm only listing the ones that I didn't experience before, because in my 9 mos. TTC, I had many, many fakeouts:

• Single-boob soreness started at 4dpo - other boob felt fine
• Clear implantation dip at 7dpo
• Started feeling really fatigued at 7dpo
• Cramps also at 7dpo that went away
• Increased appetite at 8 dpo
• Woke up with a headache every day since 10dpo, which continues
• By 12dpo both boobs were swollen and very sore, even to the touch, continues

Since it's still only Sunday night, I haven't called my doc yet, but FF gives me an EDD of 12.20.10, which is a day before the 5-year anniversary of our engagement. DH told me this morning at breakfast that when he first woke up today, he felt as giddy as he did the morning after he proposed to me. He is going to be the best dad, I'm swooning already!

We're working on our morph

We finally got DH's SA results yesterday... almost 2 weeks after they told him "a day or two". The cover letter said the results were "normal", and in fact everything in the top portion was excellent. Sperm concentration, count, motility, rate of progression, viscosity - all well above the normal ranges. So that was cause for celebration.

BUT... The morphology section didn't paint as pretty of a picture. Only 3% of this sample had normal forms, with 87% head defects and 10% tail defects. The "normal range" on our report says >4% normal, "strict normal" is >14%, and the WHO says >30%. Women all over message boards report their docs giving them a less than 5% chance of conceiving naturally with our morph numbers. So I'm not sure why they told us all was good in the cover letter.

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We immediately started Googling, and we have a game plan. We figure that since his total number of motile sperm and rate of progression are so high, there are actually more normal sperm with that 3% than there would be in a sample count closer to the threshold. Normal # motile is >15 mil, we have 256 mil. So we've got that going for us. DH is also going to make some behavioral changes to improve his morphology, like cutting back on alcohol and cutting out the occasional smoke altogether, eating right and exercising regularly. And, we've ordered a bottle of Pycogenol, a supplement many (online) say can improve sperm morphology in as little as 3 months. He'll start 200 mg/day once it arrives.

Even though I know that the threat of ART is still definitely in our picture, these results are actually a relief. At least we know what's up now. It'll no longer be a mystery and a cruel joke when AF comes about 28 days from now. I already expect it, and will for the next couple cycles. If we get to July, which will be our 1-year mark, then he'll have a repeat SA while I start my own testing. And if we have to advance to IVF or IUI, so be it. At least he has a lot of sperm, normal heads or not, and knowing that there are biological children in there somewhere is a major, major relief for me.

And now we wait...

Yesterday was a big day - I had my HSG & Mr. Worry Bud dropped off his "sample" for the SA. Those were the final two big tests that we have to go thru. We need some additional routine b/w done as well & will probably get that done tomorrow on our day off. I will be sooo happy when we get thru with all this testing & *hopefully* find that there is nothing wrong with either of us! As I have mentioned before, we will go in for the followup consultation with the RE on December 18th & we will discuss next steps with him. Although, I think we are pretty firm in our decision to continue to try on our own for a few months if the test results raise no concerns. Especially if this cycle's LP is as long or longer than last cycle's.

Results:
My HSG was relatively uneventful. I took 4 ibuprofen about an hour beforehand & then drove in for the test. The HSG itself was very quick - took less than 5 minutes total! I had slight cramping while the dye was going thru my uterus & tubes, but it was fine once it stopped. I also had slight discharge of the dye for a few hours after the procedure, so I just wore a panty liner the rest of the day yesterday & it was all good. This morning, I am having slight cramping, but nothing unbearable. The Dr. said that I got the "fastest HSG of the day" award because the dye went straight thru my tubes quickly & he also said everything looked "textbook normal" - my uterus was the normal triangular shape & my tube were nice & straight & clear.

Photo Credit

It was huge sigh of relief for us that basically everything looks fine as far as my testing goes!! Mr. WB's SA results will take 3-5 business days, so I will be anxiously awaiting those. But, I bet everything will be just fine & we really didn't have anything to worry about at all (which is what he said all along)! I really think I talked about it a bit in a previous post, but I feel like the fact that my LP lengthened was a sign from God to just continue trying on our own & we will get PG eventually (hopefully sooner rather than later), so I am pretty comfortable with waiting on his timing at this point if all of our test results come back normal.

In the mean time, I am just getting ready for Thanksgiving (Mr. WB's family is coming up from about 4 hours away & we are hosting our first married Thanksgiving at our home), and also focusing on finishing up our Master Bath renovation project - which has been quite the challenge! Hopefully I will O in the near future here & we can start trying for our Christmas baby! Thanks for all the kind words & well wishes - they keep my spirits up!

Do you want the good news or bad news first?

No preference? Okay, I'll go with the bad news first:

I'm on to cycle #6 - cramps, bleeding & all of AF's other ::insert sarcasm here:: wonderful side effects are in full effect. I can honestly say that I NEVER thought it would take this long to get pregnant. I thought maybe 4-5 months at the most...I was truly naive. And due to my STUPID LP, this whole process has been prolonged. Now I know those of you reading this, who have been trying for way longer than we have, are thinking that I need to calm down - just take look at my charts...my LP (esp. for cycles 2-4) is bad - I mean really horrible. I mean maybe I do need to calm down, but I am a worry wart - hence my name. :o) But seriously, everyone has a different TTC journey, for some it is a long, difficult one...for others, it's fairly simple - and IMO I am out of the simple category, but not quite in the difficult category, so I am not completely sure where I fit in.

My temps also plummeted this morning. And with that, I am on to cycle #6. Hopefully THIS will be our cycle?! The 9 day LP this past cycle has me really excited that maybe my body really will fix itself & that I don't need medical intervention just yet. You see, I, Worry Bud, am a firm believer that God sends us signs all the time. I have been praying for his guidance in our choice to pursue fertility treatment at this point & I feel like maybe my 9 day LP (up from 3!!!) is a sign that I need to take a step back, maybe see how the next couple of months go & then pursue other treatment avenues with my RE. I mean from 3 to 9 days is a huge difference & I truly believe it happened by God's grace.

So now for the good news - which I already mentioned: 9 day LP. Woot! That is such a miracle to me that I can't even be THAT upset about not getting pg this cycle. I mean, don't get me wrong, I really wish that I did get a BFP, but I didn't & I think that means I just need to go thru the fertility testing & find out the results. As I mentioned above, although I do believe my lengthened LP is a sign from God, I also think that I NEED to have this testing done for my peace of mind.

Photo Credit

Mr. WB & I have had a long discussion about this and we have decided that we will go through with all the testing, which includes:

• Routine STD testing for both of us
• CD 2-4 testing of hormone leveles (Estrogen, FSH, LH, etc.) plus a vaginal u/s to check out my uterine lining & ovaries
• An HSG between CDs 5-10
• An SA for DH

After we finish all of that testing, then we will go in for a f/u appointment with our RE & discuss next steps. Due to my lengthend LP this past cycle, Mr. WB & I have decided that if all our tests come back normal, then we will hold off pursuing treatment until January 2010. We want to do this for two reasons: 1) if we can get pg on our own, we would most certainly want to try that first & since my LP seems to be correcting itself, then we feel like we may not need medical assistance, and 2) my annual deductible would start again in January & we want to hold off on paying it for 2009 when we would have to turn right back around & start paying it again in 2010 (which will be about a month away once we get this cycle of testing done & over with). I think we have made the best decision for us & our future family right now.

If the testing reveals that there is a problem with either of us, then we will talk it out with our RE & see what he suggests to move forward. Like I told Mr. WB - I'd rather go thru all the testing now & find out nothing is wrong, than not go thru it later & find out something was wrong all along. Of course, I am hoping in the mean time to get pg on our own, but we shall see how everything goes. If it was simply my LP preventing us from getting pg before & it's lengthening on it's own, then perhaps we can get pg on our own too?!?! So many important decisions...I can only hope we are making the best one for us & our future children.

A huge weight lifted off my shoulders

I am the type of person who obsesses over the littlest things. That's what I do and who I am. The minute we found out about Mr.OBs medicine and how it could cause some fertility issues I freaked. I started to worry and obsess. Then I realized he is strong amazing and got through brain surgery and we could get through anything in front of us.

I tried really hard to see life in a different perspective and tried not to worry and obsess and think about the good things in life. It was very hard. We decided on the advice of Mr.OB's doctors to go ahead and get an SA. And great news..

ITS NORMAL!!!

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I won't stress so much. I feel like I can calm down now. It just feels so great to have this reassurance. That's how I am. I need someone to reassure me about things.

I'm so happy. I'm so thrilled. I'm feel so ridiculously grateful. We have been through so much together and I just can't for the day to tell Mr. OB he knocked me up!

Mr. OB's SA

Well tomorrow is the day that Mr. OB goes in for his SA. That's about all new I have to report in the TTC journey. I'm sure everything will be fine but you know me, I obsess and worry. Hopefully everything will go well and we will be parents sooner rather than later.

On another note, I decided to get in shape. I run 5Ks ALOT but realized just because I run them doesn't mean I am healthy or in shape. I gained 41 lbs.. EEK yes I said 41 lbs since I got married and I don't even have an excuse except pure laziness. I also believe that this extra weight gain has caused some issues with my cycles. I know alot of people don't believe that and that is fine but I do. My cycles used to be very normal. I never had spotting. Day 1 of my cycle cramps from hell would come last about 3-4 days and everything would be great. I charted and things looked awesome.

Then I stopped caring. And here I am now. Spotting 2-3 days before AF and 2 days of real flow. I really think if anything it is going to make me a happier and healthier person. What better way to spend your evenings with your husband.. Working out